The L Word s02e08 Episode Script
Loyal
We're done for now.
We'd be clear to Barker Pass by now if you hadn't brought that uppity preacher's daughter.
Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Yeah.
Looking for these, boys? What the For last night.
For this morning.
Next time, don't undercook the yolks.
And cut! Are you okay? Do I get extra pay for that? Back to ones, everybody.
Get the hell off of him! Oh, shit! Oh! Burr, c'mon! Burr! Get the fuck outta here! Argh! Go on! Don't come back! What the fuck are you doing?! It's none of your business! It is absolutely my business! What if that kid talks, huh? Did you ever think of that? Huh? What if he goes to The Star and he says that Rod Sebring is an ass bandit? No.
No.
Ben wouldn't do that.
Ben wouldn't do that.
No.
He wouldn't.
You don't know that.
And I have too much riding on this picture.
Burr.
Burr! "Loyal" Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! God, don't freak, it's Sunday, we're allowed to get up late.
Alice, it's Monday.
No.
Mm-mm.
No, it's Sunday.
Alice, think about it.
Yesterday, we got brunch delivered, and then the night before, we watched "Saturday Night Live".
Right! Oh, fuck! Oh, my God, I have my KCRW thing tomorrow! I haven't come up with a single idea! I'm totally fucking up! Oh, God.
Uh, it's - uh! What am I gonna do for my audition?! A once-a-week, three-minute culture spot.
Great.
I need fucking ideas! People who ruin their lives because they can't stop having sex? 'Kay.
That's really not helping.
I'm sorry.
Look, you're not the only one who's blown off important things to stay in bed fucking for five days, okay? I should be training.
You should always be training.
So.
Alright, look.
I'm gonna go make us some coffee, okay? Okay.
Work.
Okay.
Get to work! Okay, okay.
- Hey.
| - Hi.
I got you tea.
I wasn't sure what you were eating these days, but Thank you, that's nice.
I spoke to Dan Foxworthy this morning.
I was thinking about going back to therapy.
Oh.
I don't know about therapy.
I think we should just focus on the baby.
Oh, no, not for us - I - I was thinking about going to see him myself.
Oh! That's great, that's really great.
That'll be good for you.
Yeah.
Can I just say one thing? You can say anything you want.
No, I can't.
I mean, you've made it clear that you don't exactly wanna hear what I have to say right now and that's fine, but I, um I never got to say how happy I am for you.
For us.
I'm glad you're happy.
This should be your happiness too.
Let's, um just focus on being really good parents.
It'll be a new kind of partnership for us.
My teacher, Charlotte Birch, is pushing me.
And I'm really freaked out because she's intimating there's some kind of mysterious challenge in all of this for me.
Okay, well can I tell you what I think about Charlotte? - I think | - What.
You have a crush on her.
No, I don't.
I think you do and I think it's totally okay, and and I think that you are allowed to have a crush on your teacher.
And you know what? I think you should go for it.
Totally go for it.
Fuck you.
What? You want me to be jealous? Well, if you think about fucking her, I will kill you.
My next sonogram is Wednesday the 7th at 10 a.
m.
Well, I'd love to be there - I mean, if that's okay with you.
I'd really like to see the baby.
How exciting.
You ready to go? The agent has four listings planned out for us.
We're real estate hunting.
Real estate hunting.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Helena wants to rent a house in L.
A.
The Chateau Marmont is getting so tedious, I mean, I can't walk from one end of the lobby to the other without being offered to do blow or finance four independent films starring Maggie Gyllenhaal.
All totally unsolicited, I'm sure.
Totally.
Um I'll see you on the 7th.
Okay? I'll call you.
Look, the thing about reality is it's gonna draw the audience in.
Right.
Basically, I need pussy that we can smell and taste.
Absolutely.
Right.
Of course.
I mean the thing about this film, though, is it's got that, but it's got more.
It's um it's fascinating, I mean we're giving people access to a world that they've never seen before.
You know.
It's like journalists who infiltrate mosques, it's witness - Why don't you show me footage? I mean, usually, I don't write checks sight-unseen.
I completely understand.
Um I just need a little more time.
I mean, this isn't scripted, so it's - something's happening, I mean, it's real but we can't force - We'll cut you something together.
And it will be dripping with hot lesbian pussy.
Won't it, dude? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll work on cutting something together.
You can, uh show yourselves out.
Great.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
Did you see the movie Hannibal? Uh, Freddie versus Jason? Please.
You don't honestly think that regaling me with a list of the owners' mediocre movies is really going to influence whether I rent this property or not? May I see the specs, please? I think I'm gonna go take a look around.
Mkay.
But, um Don't go too far.
So, I'm assuming the tenant will move out of the guest house if I decide to rent this behemoth? Ah.
Now, why don't you tell me about the household staff that come along with this property? Okay.
Listen to this.
Um "Walking through Fred Segal this week, I could sense all was not right in the world of consumerism.
Something's wrong.
" You said that.
What? Well, you said all was not right, and then you said something's wrong.
Just it seems redundant.
Okay.
May I? Yeah, go ahead.
Okay.
"There's an invasion underway.
Our troops are in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and we are here, shopping.
" What are you doing to your voice? It's my radio commentator voice.
You have to have one.
Can I continue now? Yeah.
Sorry.
Thank you.
"Is the main mission of our troops the protection of our way of life, and is our way of life defined by our consumerism? Are women and men dying in Iraq so that back home we can shop til we drop?" Is consumerism the right word? Well.
It's a little vulgar.
But it's amusing.
Could you live like this? Why don't we find out? Hey.
What are you doing? I couldn't be expected to have a property like this without seeing if it's conducive to this.
Hey.
Could you live like this? Oh yeah Helena.
You've seen the matching his and hers walk-in closets? Or should I say hers and hers? - Shane! Hey.
| - Hey.
You're alive.
I haven't seen you around, how've you been? How's, uh Oh, it's uh it's better, thank you.
I've been worried about you.
Thanks.
Um.
So where you off to? Work.
Hair job, or Veronica Bloom job? Hair job.
It's a day call.
Um.
Well, have a good one.
You too.
Most of this stuff is just crap, man.
They're not doin' nothin' but talkin'.
Sometimes they eat.
What do you think, lesbians just fuck all the time? Obviously not, but if they don't start soon we're not gonna What the fuck is this, man? It's none of your fucking - why are you so fucking nosey? God.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's some total lez who's never gonna give you the time of day and you're rock hard for her! Jesus.
I bet you just fucking sit here all night jacking off while you watch her sleep! You shut the fuck up! Great.
This is just fuckin' perfect.
We've been best friends for how long? Just get out of here.
And now you're gonna fuck up this gig we've been working our asses off on for some chick? News flash, man! This girl you're crushing on is never gonna be with you! You've got a real live dick! And that disqualifies you from getting up in there! Bette.
Leo and I have something we're very excited about and we'd like to share with you.
Leo? We just wanted to let you know that Helena Peabody is going to be joining the CAC's steering committee.
What? We're going to welcome her at our regular board meeting tomorrow.
I'm sure you can appreciate what a coup it is for the CAC to have a Peabody on the Board of Directors.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but she's bringing Allyn Barnes with her to her first Board of Directors meeting.
Allyn Barnes is coming to our board meeting? Mm-hmm.
Allyn and Peggy are old friends.
She's known Helena since she was a little girl.
There's a rumor that Allyn Barnes has been contemplating a career retrospective.
The Modern's been after her for years.
She's pretty resistant.
I mean, everybody knows Allyn hates the art world.
But, Helena thinks she might be ready.
Now I've asked your department to put together some press clippings of the CAC so we can present it to her tomorrow.
Well, I'd like to go over those materials.
This is Leo's strength, Bette.
Why don't we just let him do his thing? We'll see you tomorrow at six.
Hm? Come on.
This is more like it.
Do you think? Bette saw this house in "Architectural Digest" she said it was the quintessential California beach house.
Hm.
Did she, now? There are eight bedrooms all together, uh, not including the guesthouse, and there's a nanny's quarters down below.
What, Walter? Please just tell me what you have to tell me - no digressions.
Amazing view.
No, no, Walter, I do not ex - Walter, what did I charge you with? Don't tell me things I don't want to hear! That's not what I pay you for! Do you wanna show me the kitchen? Walter, no, here's what's happening.
I'm moving to Los Angeles, and I want my children here with me, so just fucking well make it happen, and call me when it's done! So? Do we like it? It's spectacular.
Okay.
I'll move in tomorrow.
Okay Hi, I'm Winnie Mann.
Thanks for seeing me.
Really nice to meet you.
I, uh, I didn't know that you would be bringing - I don't have a nanny, so when the kids are with me, they are with me.
I hope it's not - Oh, no, no.
It's fine.
It's great.
Do you remember me? I'm - we met in New York.
Don't take it personally, it takes more than one meeting.
Wilson, wait, um, uh - Oh, sweetie, sweetie! No, no, no, no, no.
Oh.
See, this is a Richard Prince, and it goes right there.
Hey, would you guys like to go swimming? Yeah, that'd be great! Yeah, can we? Uh, well, I don't really swim, do you think you might go in with them? Sure.
Okay.
Okay, will you listen to this one? Okay, so basically I'm gonna get someone from the left, someone from the right, someone from the center - local, elected officials, whatever.
And then I'm gonna interview them about trends.
'Kay? So.
"State Attorney General Wachtel, have you shopped for your new granddaughter at the new "La La Ling" baby store in Las Feliz?" So.
Mm-hmm.
So, I'm trying to get that intersection between culture and politics.
I don't know.
Al, it's good.
It's just - it's not funny.
It's not supposed to be funny.
Hello? Have you listened to KCRW? Yeah, but didn't Mimi ask you personally to try out for this? So? So, she must want you to be you.
No, I'm going to be a funny person on the radio.
I don't know why everybody thinks I'm so funny.
Because you are.
Alice, you're a funny lady, and it's one of the things I love about you, and I'm not the only one.
I don't like you very much right now.
It makes me so hot when you're angry.
Oh yeah? Oh yeah.
You're totally topping me again.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through the feathers, Pillow Queen.
Have you always been a top? I'm not a top.
Yeah, you are.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you are.
You know what I want you to do? W hat? I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.
I don't know if I can do that.
But you're doing it right now without even using one.
Okay.
Yeah? Twisted my arm.
You know, Bette, I - I know you don't know me, but, um, I'm taking a wild stab that maybe we have some interests in common.
What are you asking me to do? I'd like you to be a character witness against you know who.
I know she's coming on to your board of directors.
Yeah, she's everywhere.
Can't seem to get away from her.
That's how she deals.
She colonizes.
- She fuckin' plunders and pillages, that's | - Uh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That was bad.
Bette, we've got a court hearing in six weeks.
You want me to appear in court? Yes.
Jesus, Winnie.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm really gonna have to think about it.
It's, you know, it's not just that she's on my board of directors, but there's Tina, the Well, fuck, I understand if you don't want to - No, it's not that I don't want to.
Believe me, I would love nothing more than to stand up in court and say what I think of you know who.
You wanna play again? Yeah.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Ahh! Woo! Um.
I - I - I just saw you out there, and it - I dunno, it looked like you were hiding.
I'm not hiding.
I don't believe you.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Sh - Shane, who did this? Who did this to you? It doesn't matter.
No, tell me.
I will fucking kill them.
Who did this to you? You did it.
What? Fuck you.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
Look, I'm sorry.
That was a fucked-up thing to say.
Well, maybe you meant something by it.
- Maybe we should just talk and see what happ | - No.
No.
No.
Can we can we just forget what I said? Let's go back to being friends.
Is that what you want? Really a lot.
I'm so angry I can barely control myself.
But, then I know the more I act like that, the more this person can "F" me up.
But, there I am screaming like a crazy B-I-T-C-H.
That's gotta be hell.
She made my life a living hell.
What were you doing with her, Winnie? Is it so hard to understand? Look at Tina.
You two were separated when she met? Yeah.
And now she has her completely enthralled.
Yeah.
My first play had just debuted at PS 122.
The Voice gave it a rave, and this person shows up and underwrites the entire run of the show.
The next thing you know, I've got my own theatre company, I'm living in a five million-dollar loft in Tribeca, and And starting a family.
Yeah.
Hey, she'd never even thought about kids, but it was a dream of mine, and she's in the business of making people's dreams come true, until she co-opts and makes them her own.
Mommy, I'm finished with my chicken nuggets.
Can I have some ice cream? Uh I think I have some if it's okay.
Did you and your sister finish your salad? Yep.
Alrighty.
Then you get the big prize.
Can I give you some advice about it? I could sure use some.
Drives her crazy when you don't react.
So, she'll bait and bait and bait, and if you just don't take it "We're done for now.
" "We'd be clear of Barker's Pass by now if you hadn't brought that uppity preacher's daughter.
" Hey ladies.
Oh, hello.
It's Mark.
Excuse me.
Is that how you greet your roommate? What are we watching? We're watching a Burr Connors film festival.
Yes, Miss Jenny over here is going to ghostwrite his memoirs.
I'm gonna be his stenographer.
No way.
Do you know that I had a Burr Connor action figure doll as a child? You did? I did, and I made him beat up my G.
I.
Joe on a daily basis.
Are you serious? You actually thought this guy, Burr Connor, is more - is tougher than G.
I.
Joe? Oh, pffpt.
Look at him.
Way tougher.
This is sentimental claptrap.
How could you possibly call these macho men sentimental? Um, because it's a pretext for telling stories about, like, the purity of male friendship and devotion.
I mean, Mark, okay, look at all these films.
They're all fucking the same.
Chick flicks are the same! Okay, okay, you know what? You cannot tell that theory to Burr Connors.
No.
Kiss.
Now.
Thelma and Louise Mwah! No more.
Where's Shane, by the way? Um, I - I think she, uh, went out.
Where? I dunno.
To a club? We don't know, Mark.
Yeah.
Sixteen Candles.
Dukes of Hazzard.
Gone With the Wind, Funny Girl.
Bless me father, for I have sinned.
It's been sixteen years since my last confession.
And what brought you here tonight? Everyone wants something from me, and I don't feel like I have anything left to give.
What have you been giving up until now? Sex.
That's mainly what people want.
Actually, I I don't even know at this point.
I don't - I don't - I don't know.
Do you feel you have to have sex with everyone who wants it? In church I didn't.
I used to, uh, live in a church shelter, so When was that? I guess I was 10.
And I ran away from my foster family because someone told me my real mom was back in Austin.
And she used to go to that shelter when she was trying to get clean.
Your mother was a drug addict? Yeah.
Have you ever considered joining a church group? No.
No.
No, no, I don't like groups.
The thing I I like about confession is you don't have to see the other person's face.
And you don't have to see how how hurt they are when they realize that you can't be that thing they want you to be.
You might find that there are people who don't want anything from you.
They just want to know you.
Yeah, I haven't met anyone like that.
Anyway, there's nothing to know.
My friend, would you just consider it? Ah, thank you.
Sure.
Alice! What? Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought that would go away.
You knew you did this to me? Well, I wasn't doing it on purpose.
You bruise easy.
You're not the only one.
Oh, my god! I look like I've been beaten! I have my interview today! It's radio.
I have to make an impression.
And I don't.
You're right.
I have a photo shoot with Women's Fitness today.
I'm the first out lesbian they've ever put on the cover.
Well, you'll just be saying you can be gay and a slut.
Is there any more? Yeah! Where.
Oh, really! I haven't seen you guys in a couple days.
What have you been doing? - Working.
| -Training.
They've been having sex all weekend.
- Hi! | - Hey! - Hi, everyone.
| - Hi.
Um, why don't you two join us? Okay Thank you.
That's nice.
Hi.
Hello.
So, um Tina was just saying that Dana and Alice are having sex.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
They'll be in good company.
Yeah, we haven't, though.
I've been busy and she's been busy and Working.
Oh, yeah, uh, let me see.
No Busy! Ohh! Okay, let's see.
Um, working! Oh, my goodness! Working it, working it, uh-huh.
Let us see, let us see! Open it up.
- Alright.
I have | - Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I have my KCRW audition and I kinda don't know what to do so I was Look, you know Why don't you take this.
Because passion should never cost you respect.
No that Helena, I couldn't accept this.
It's Hermes.
It's vintage.
And for having such a good eye, you get to keep it.
Ohh! Wow.
You know, I think I'd better be getting to work.
Well, that's a shame.
Why don't you take the morning off? Well, because it's not really an option for me.
Of course it is.
You're having breakfast with one of your board members.
And we're gonna discuss what we're gonna talk about with Allyn Barnes tonight.
You've gotta be kidding.
Uh, Helena has just joined the board of directors for the CAC.
I'll see you at the meeting.
Well - Bette, why don't you come over later tonight, after the meeting? Tina and I have found a house.
Oh - no - Helena has found a house.
Well, you know what, why don't you all come over tonight, we'll have a, uh - Yeah.
| a house warming party! You should see this house.
It's amazing.
It's the one on Broad Beach.
The one in Architectural Digest.
It's gorgeous.
Of course it is.
You know, that sounds really nice, Helena.
Maybe if I'm not too tired.
Good.
- Bye, Bette.
| - Bye.
- Bye, you guys, good luck.
| - Thanks.
- Hey.
| - Hey.
Did I say something to offend you? No.
Look.
You saved my ass.
And I'm sorry if I didn't thank you adequately.
So thank you.
Do you know anything about, uh about the Samurai code, Ronin? That one of those Hong Kong action flicks? No, it's a book actually.
I was really into that shit when I was like 13, 14, got my first degree black belt in Shotoka.
Lucky for me, huh? Yeah.
Well, according to the Samurai code, if you save someone's ass you're forever indebted to that person.
You're - it's the greatest honor and privilege you can ever achieve.
Look, I - I said thank you.
I don't know what else you want me to do.
Not you, me.
I'm indebted to you for giving me that opportunity.
No, so, it's like, basically, I'm your servant, now.
No thank you.
It's just the way it's gotta be.
You're stuck with me.
Sit, please.
Oh, oh, oh! Allow me.
Will you be having a beverage, my lord? No.
Hello? Hi.
Um, this is Jenny Schecter for Mr.
Burr Connor, please? - Yes, Miss Schecter, come on in.
| - Thank you.
It's a hard feeling to describe.
But I think that I've known for a really long time, and I fought against it because I knew that my family wouldn't approve, but I actually think that I've always known.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
From the time I was a small boy, I I always knew I wanted to be an actor.
How cool.
So like, what - what kinda writers would you say you model yourself after? Judith Krantz, Danielle Steele? Like that? Ew! You're kidding.
I'm sorry.
Looking at you, having spent a few minutes with you, um I'm good at this.
Mary Gaitskill.
Wow! Thank you.
I don't know.
I mean, Charlotte's pushing me really hard right now, so my style is just evolving pretty fast.
Well, I won't be pushing you.
Okay? I, uh I basically just need you to correct my grammar Mm-hmm.
And add an adjective or two here and there.
'Kay.
Have you - have you ever written anything before? No, not really.
I've been tape-recording myself.
- Oh, yeah? | - Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Actually, I have this.
No.
Uh.
You can put that away.
Okay, then I'll put it away.
Can I - can I just use um, my notebook? No, go ahead.
Um, okay.
I have a couple of questions for you, to begin.
Mm-hmm.
Rod Sebring.
It appears as though you have a very profound connection with him.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, we did three pictures together.
Yeah.
The scene in, uh, in Hard Man To Know, where you carry Mr.
Sebring across Texas after he's been shot it's beautiful and quite romantic.
Mm-hmm.
You like that movie? I loved it! I really - I - I thought it was like - I loved it.
- Really? | - Yeah.
You don't seem like the type.
Oh, my god.
I've seen all of your films.
- I'm sure you have, yeah.
| - Yep.
Burr: In the last two days, right? Yes, but Okay, but - but - but my girlfriend actually has seen all your films.
Your girlfriend.
Yeah.
When she was a little kid, she and her step-dad used to go to all your films so now she can recite all your dialogue.
So she's a tomboy? Gosh, I've never thought of her like that.
I think she's just beautiful.
Well Miss Schecter, thank you so much for coming on over.
And I'll be in touch with you to let you know if I'll be needing your help.
- Oh.
Okay.
| - Okay.
Um, are you firing me, um because I'm gay? Well, I wasn't aware that I'd actually hired you.
But I do prefer to have certain things flaunted in my face.
My big catch-phrase-ending could be, um, "Go ask Alice 'cause she knows what's goin' on!" Like No, that's good.
That's good.
Um, look, I'm gonna go talk to my new chef.
What? Yeah! You got a new chef, that's so cool.
Girl, I stole her from A.
O.
C.
She was training under Suzanne Goins.
Maybe I should write about that.
I mean, it - it's gotta be better than what I have.
No, no, yours is really good, Alice! I mean, you just gotta relax and breathe.
Benjamin.
Right.
You bet.
Yeah.
Okay? Yeah.
This is Alice Pieszecki reminding you to relax and breathe.
Relax and Reminding you to relax and breathe.
Alice.
Gabby! I thought you'd have a more interesting demise than muttering to yourself at The Planet.
Yeah - wow.
Gimme a hug.
Oh.
'Kay.
Oh.
- Hi! | - Hi.
You look good.
Thanks.
What's wrong with you? Mm, nothing except that I'm in love.
Yeah.
Gabby Devaux in love.
Wow.
How are you? What's going on with you? Um - I'm in love too! Aw.
Yeah.
You can't tell? Um, maybe I'm not showing it or something - I'm very private, so.
Alice "tell me all your secrets and I'll sell them to the Daily Planet" Pieszecki? So, who is the lucky lady? Um, she - you don't know her.
I pretty much know everybody.
Well, do I know your new paramour? She's, um - oh.
Here she is.
- Hey.
| - Lara? Hey Alice.
I - I guess you do.
Hey, baby.
Did you like your recipes? Dishes, honey, we don't call them recipes.
So, Alice, how's Dana? She's fine! Yeah! She's great! Actually.
Great.
Yeah, I'm sure you'll see her around and stuff.
So cool - great to see you guys.
The two of you.
Yeah.
Okay.
- Bye.
| - Yeah! Bye! " powered by Real Networks.
KCRW, a community service of Santa Monica College.
" All this at KCRW dot com - Alice.
Hi, Mimi.
I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, you're not gonna believe what just happened to me.
- What? | - Ohh.
Are you ready? Yeah.
I am ready.
I am ready.
Can you say a few words, please? Yes, I ca - um - Yep.
'Kay, good.
Okay.
Hello.
Um, hi - hi, this is Alice Pieszecki.
This is - one, two, is that good? That's good.
Um yeah.
So out walks Lara, who's the - the ex of my current girlfriend.
And, uh, what does she do? She makes out with my ex.
I mean - if I was gonna draw you a picture of this, um, Alice to Dana, Dana to Lara Lara to Gabby - hi, gross.
Gabby to Alice.
I'm just totally freaked out about it! I'm sorry, it's like ahh! Um, I don't know, it's - well I have this chart, and - it's - you know, started on the back of a napkin but now it takes up an entire wall in my living room.
But it's about these entanglements, you know? It's - it's, like, got, uh, relationships on it, one night stands - pretty much has anybody who slept with anybody else That, therefore, connects me to Tina, which connects me to Helena, who Tina's currently seeing And once you get her on the chart, y'know, you have Warren Beatty.
Which, you have him on the chart, you know, you pretty much have Presidents, Presidential interns, I mean, I'm - I'm connected to Monica Lewinsky.
It's random.
It's I don't know, it's I'm sorry, I'm totally rambling, and um 'cause I have sorry.
It's okay, Alice.
I think we've got what we need.
I don't understand.
That's okay.
It was great, I promise you.
Since this isn't a regular meeting, I won't regale you with details of budget or schedule, I'll just welcome Helena Peabody.
And turn it over to Leo.
Well, I think Helena deserves a little more fanfare than that! Helena, the California Arts Center is privileged and highly honored to welcome you to our Board of Directors.
And, Helena has a very special guest with her tonight.
Helena, please introduce Allyn Barnes.
Well, I really don't think Allyn needs any introduction.
She's quite simply one of the most important living artists of our time.
Nonsense.
Stop it.
Nobody outside of the art world even knows my work.
That's an understatement, hardly anyone in the art world knows your work.
Of course we do.
Everybody remembers Allyn Barnes' Tet Offensive.
Well, that was 1972.
I mean, Allyn, how do you propose to show the work you've done since you stopped showing at galleries, because that's 30 years of work that's never been exhibited.
Well, I'm not sure I propose to show it at all.
Allyn doesn't have to worry about that.
We'll devote the entire museum.
All five galleries.
The CAC will be the Allyn Barnes museum.
Oh.
Allyn.
Please don't worry, you're in very good hands with Leo.
What about the earth works in Humboldt County? I mean, A Season In Hell is one of the most magnificent pieces of art made during the last 20 years, and it was destroyed due to clear-cutting.
Bette, I think you're a little out of step here? Allyn and I have discussed this, and - That was what the piece was about.
Yes, but in a retrospective, it would be a glaring omission.
There has to be some way that we reference that work.
I mean, I feel - incredibly privileged to have seen it.
You saw A Season In Hell? I wrote my graduate thesis on it.
That was you? That piece that was published in the Art Forum? It was crude.
I think that I'm a better critical writer now.
I was so furious! You were the first person in eighteen years that penetrated my anonymity.
Well, I did scale three fences just to get close to it, I thought I was gonna get shot at.
Well, you almost were shot at.
But, it was the best article that's ever been written about my work.
I mean, you really, really understood what I was going after.
I attended your lecture series the semester you taught at Yale.
So you must've studied with Si Stillman? Oh, my god! He hated me! Did Si give you that exercise where you had to write about a Vasarely after a story by Borges? "Tlon, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius.
" That was the story I chose.
Reality of Perception.
Labyrinth of Time and Space - Hey! | - Oh, was it that bad? I fucked it up massively.
And how did you manage that? Well, I think that Mister Connor doesn't like the fact that I'm a lesbian.
You told him that? Yeah.
And how did that happen? Guess it just sort of came out.
And I was - I was talking about you.
Aww.
You outed me to Burr Connor! He's a big, creepy homophobe.
Oh.
Well don't worry about it.
Most men from that generation are.
- Hey.
| - Hey.
Um.
Look, a few of us are gonna go hang out, you think you might wanna come? I dunno, I, uh Okay.
How 'bout this.
As my servant, I'm instructing you to come and hang out, because I need the protection.
Alright.
Good answer.
So, it's all about things that are connected.
It can be funny, it can be serious, as long as it fits the premise.
I'm so proud of you.
The Chart with Alice Pieszecki, Fridays at 3 on KCRW.
Ooh, good voice.
You like? Yeah.
Alice, make out with me.
So what made you pick the chart? You had so many other ideas.
Um I don't know.
Actually, I ran into Gabby Devaux.
Blugh! You did! Yeah, and she was all, "Let's be friends!" You know? I don't understand what this need to have a, uh, deep yet sexless relationship with an ex that treated you shitty and cheated on you, but hey.
Yeah, I, you know, don't necessarily think we should be friends with our exes.
Really! You agree, huh? Yeah, I do.
Huh.
Well, what if one of your exes just kinda showed up like that? Well, uh, I'm not ready to be friends with Tonya, if that's what you mean.
Right.
What about, uh I don't know, like Lara.
Alice, I haven't thought about Lara in a long time.
I don't know.
I don't - I guess we could be friends? Unless you don't want me to.
I'll go get that.
Hello? Hi, Jenny, it's Dana.
Hol - hold on.
Um, Jenny and Carmen aren't going to Helena's.
Really? Where they going? Where you going? Is this an LA thing? You invite people, they say they're gonna come, and then they just don't show up? It is.
I remember being shocked by it when I first moved here.
Now I'm just used to it.
Yeah, well, it's not gonna fly with me.
Well, you'll just have to send formal invitations next time.
I'm not so sure there's gonna be a next time.
I'm not very forgiving when it comes to social transgressions.
Come on.
This is nice.
We get to be alone together in your new house, and initiate it all by ourselves.
Or am I not enough for you? You're more than enough for me.
Oh, my god.
Hi! What are you doing? We thought we'd invite ourselves over, if that's okay.
What about Helena and Tina's? Oh, no, it's too far.
Malibu's such a drive.
Oh, the curse of the west side.
And it is family night.
How are you? Hi.
Good to see you.
I guess I'll order pizza! Oh, let me.
I feel privilege being invited to your family night.
Um.
Angeli? Sure.
I think the phone is on the credenza.
Hey, Mark.
Can you get one with, like, ricotta cheese or something? I think they call it, like, the quattro stagione.
What's it called? The quattro stagione.
Kah-tro sta-gee-on? Um, how'd it go with Burr Connors? The Burr Connors? Yeah! Jenny's ghostwriting his memoirs.
Not after today.
That one, and my friend Alice wanted the, uh, meat lover's.
So, everybody, everybody.
Congratulate Alice.
Congratulate Alice! Congratulations! Will you guys listen? To what? To her show! Can you do a radio voice? No.
Come on.
Just do it.
Just do it.
No! I never wanna hear the radio voice again! Please! Doesn't everyone have one? "But there must be something I'm missing, please tell me again.
" Cheers.
Drink, Bette? Thanks to Steph for the transcript Subing: Alucardo
We'd be clear to Barker Pass by now if you hadn't brought that uppity preacher's daughter.
Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Yeah.
Looking for these, boys? What the For last night.
For this morning.
Next time, don't undercook the yolks.
And cut! Are you okay? Do I get extra pay for that? Back to ones, everybody.
Get the hell off of him! Oh, shit! Oh! Burr, c'mon! Burr! Get the fuck outta here! Argh! Go on! Don't come back! What the fuck are you doing?! It's none of your business! It is absolutely my business! What if that kid talks, huh? Did you ever think of that? Huh? What if he goes to The Star and he says that Rod Sebring is an ass bandit? No.
No.
Ben wouldn't do that.
Ben wouldn't do that.
No.
He wouldn't.
You don't know that.
And I have too much riding on this picture.
Burr.
Burr! "Loyal" Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! God, don't freak, it's Sunday, we're allowed to get up late.
Alice, it's Monday.
No.
Mm-mm.
No, it's Sunday.
Alice, think about it.
Yesterday, we got brunch delivered, and then the night before, we watched "Saturday Night Live".
Right! Oh, fuck! Oh, my God, I have my KCRW thing tomorrow! I haven't come up with a single idea! I'm totally fucking up! Oh, God.
Uh, it's - uh! What am I gonna do for my audition?! A once-a-week, three-minute culture spot.
Great.
I need fucking ideas! People who ruin their lives because they can't stop having sex? 'Kay.
That's really not helping.
I'm sorry.
Look, you're not the only one who's blown off important things to stay in bed fucking for five days, okay? I should be training.
You should always be training.
So.
Alright, look.
I'm gonna go make us some coffee, okay? Okay.
Work.
Okay.
Get to work! Okay, okay.
- Hey.
| - Hi.
I got you tea.
I wasn't sure what you were eating these days, but Thank you, that's nice.
I spoke to Dan Foxworthy this morning.
I was thinking about going back to therapy.
Oh.
I don't know about therapy.
I think we should just focus on the baby.
Oh, no, not for us - I - I was thinking about going to see him myself.
Oh! That's great, that's really great.
That'll be good for you.
Yeah.
Can I just say one thing? You can say anything you want.
No, I can't.
I mean, you've made it clear that you don't exactly wanna hear what I have to say right now and that's fine, but I, um I never got to say how happy I am for you.
For us.
I'm glad you're happy.
This should be your happiness too.
Let's, um just focus on being really good parents.
It'll be a new kind of partnership for us.
My teacher, Charlotte Birch, is pushing me.
And I'm really freaked out because she's intimating there's some kind of mysterious challenge in all of this for me.
Okay, well can I tell you what I think about Charlotte? - I think | - What.
You have a crush on her.
No, I don't.
I think you do and I think it's totally okay, and and I think that you are allowed to have a crush on your teacher.
And you know what? I think you should go for it.
Totally go for it.
Fuck you.
What? You want me to be jealous? Well, if you think about fucking her, I will kill you.
My next sonogram is Wednesday the 7th at 10 a.
m.
Well, I'd love to be there - I mean, if that's okay with you.
I'd really like to see the baby.
How exciting.
You ready to go? The agent has four listings planned out for us.
We're real estate hunting.
Real estate hunting.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Helena wants to rent a house in L.
A.
The Chateau Marmont is getting so tedious, I mean, I can't walk from one end of the lobby to the other without being offered to do blow or finance four independent films starring Maggie Gyllenhaal.
All totally unsolicited, I'm sure.
Totally.
Um I'll see you on the 7th.
Okay? I'll call you.
Look, the thing about reality is it's gonna draw the audience in.
Right.
Basically, I need pussy that we can smell and taste.
Absolutely.
Right.
Of course.
I mean the thing about this film, though, is it's got that, but it's got more.
It's um it's fascinating, I mean we're giving people access to a world that they've never seen before.
You know.
It's like journalists who infiltrate mosques, it's witness - Why don't you show me footage? I mean, usually, I don't write checks sight-unseen.
I completely understand.
Um I just need a little more time.
I mean, this isn't scripted, so it's - something's happening, I mean, it's real but we can't force - We'll cut you something together.
And it will be dripping with hot lesbian pussy.
Won't it, dude? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll work on cutting something together.
You can, uh show yourselves out.
Great.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
Did you see the movie Hannibal? Uh, Freddie versus Jason? Please.
You don't honestly think that regaling me with a list of the owners' mediocre movies is really going to influence whether I rent this property or not? May I see the specs, please? I think I'm gonna go take a look around.
Mkay.
But, um Don't go too far.
So, I'm assuming the tenant will move out of the guest house if I decide to rent this behemoth? Ah.
Now, why don't you tell me about the household staff that come along with this property? Okay.
Listen to this.
Um "Walking through Fred Segal this week, I could sense all was not right in the world of consumerism.
Something's wrong.
" You said that.
What? Well, you said all was not right, and then you said something's wrong.
Just it seems redundant.
Okay.
May I? Yeah, go ahead.
Okay.
"There's an invasion underway.
Our troops are in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and we are here, shopping.
" What are you doing to your voice? It's my radio commentator voice.
You have to have one.
Can I continue now? Yeah.
Sorry.
Thank you.
"Is the main mission of our troops the protection of our way of life, and is our way of life defined by our consumerism? Are women and men dying in Iraq so that back home we can shop til we drop?" Is consumerism the right word? Well.
It's a little vulgar.
But it's amusing.
Could you live like this? Why don't we find out? Hey.
What are you doing? I couldn't be expected to have a property like this without seeing if it's conducive to this.
Hey.
Could you live like this? Oh yeah Helena.
You've seen the matching his and hers walk-in closets? Or should I say hers and hers? - Shane! Hey.
| - Hey.
You're alive.
I haven't seen you around, how've you been? How's, uh Oh, it's uh it's better, thank you.
I've been worried about you.
Thanks.
Um.
So where you off to? Work.
Hair job, or Veronica Bloom job? Hair job.
It's a day call.
Um.
Well, have a good one.
You too.
Most of this stuff is just crap, man.
They're not doin' nothin' but talkin'.
Sometimes they eat.
What do you think, lesbians just fuck all the time? Obviously not, but if they don't start soon we're not gonna What the fuck is this, man? It's none of your fucking - why are you so fucking nosey? God.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's some total lez who's never gonna give you the time of day and you're rock hard for her! Jesus.
I bet you just fucking sit here all night jacking off while you watch her sleep! You shut the fuck up! Great.
This is just fuckin' perfect.
We've been best friends for how long? Just get out of here.
And now you're gonna fuck up this gig we've been working our asses off on for some chick? News flash, man! This girl you're crushing on is never gonna be with you! You've got a real live dick! And that disqualifies you from getting up in there! Bette.
Leo and I have something we're very excited about and we'd like to share with you.
Leo? We just wanted to let you know that Helena Peabody is going to be joining the CAC's steering committee.
What? We're going to welcome her at our regular board meeting tomorrow.
I'm sure you can appreciate what a coup it is for the CAC to have a Peabody on the Board of Directors.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but she's bringing Allyn Barnes with her to her first Board of Directors meeting.
Allyn Barnes is coming to our board meeting? Mm-hmm.
Allyn and Peggy are old friends.
She's known Helena since she was a little girl.
There's a rumor that Allyn Barnes has been contemplating a career retrospective.
The Modern's been after her for years.
She's pretty resistant.
I mean, everybody knows Allyn hates the art world.
But, Helena thinks she might be ready.
Now I've asked your department to put together some press clippings of the CAC so we can present it to her tomorrow.
Well, I'd like to go over those materials.
This is Leo's strength, Bette.
Why don't we just let him do his thing? We'll see you tomorrow at six.
Hm? Come on.
This is more like it.
Do you think? Bette saw this house in "Architectural Digest" she said it was the quintessential California beach house.
Hm.
Did she, now? There are eight bedrooms all together, uh, not including the guesthouse, and there's a nanny's quarters down below.
What, Walter? Please just tell me what you have to tell me - no digressions.
Amazing view.
No, no, Walter, I do not ex - Walter, what did I charge you with? Don't tell me things I don't want to hear! That's not what I pay you for! Do you wanna show me the kitchen? Walter, no, here's what's happening.
I'm moving to Los Angeles, and I want my children here with me, so just fucking well make it happen, and call me when it's done! So? Do we like it? It's spectacular.
Okay.
I'll move in tomorrow.
Okay Hi, I'm Winnie Mann.
Thanks for seeing me.
Really nice to meet you.
I, uh, I didn't know that you would be bringing - I don't have a nanny, so when the kids are with me, they are with me.
I hope it's not - Oh, no, no.
It's fine.
It's great.
Do you remember me? I'm - we met in New York.
Don't take it personally, it takes more than one meeting.
Wilson, wait, um, uh - Oh, sweetie, sweetie! No, no, no, no, no.
Oh.
See, this is a Richard Prince, and it goes right there.
Hey, would you guys like to go swimming? Yeah, that'd be great! Yeah, can we? Uh, well, I don't really swim, do you think you might go in with them? Sure.
Okay.
Okay, will you listen to this one? Okay, so basically I'm gonna get someone from the left, someone from the right, someone from the center - local, elected officials, whatever.
And then I'm gonna interview them about trends.
'Kay? So.
"State Attorney General Wachtel, have you shopped for your new granddaughter at the new "La La Ling" baby store in Las Feliz?" So.
Mm-hmm.
So, I'm trying to get that intersection between culture and politics.
I don't know.
Al, it's good.
It's just - it's not funny.
It's not supposed to be funny.
Hello? Have you listened to KCRW? Yeah, but didn't Mimi ask you personally to try out for this? So? So, she must want you to be you.
No, I'm going to be a funny person on the radio.
I don't know why everybody thinks I'm so funny.
Because you are.
Alice, you're a funny lady, and it's one of the things I love about you, and I'm not the only one.
I don't like you very much right now.
It makes me so hot when you're angry.
Oh yeah? Oh yeah.
You're totally topping me again.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through the feathers, Pillow Queen.
Have you always been a top? I'm not a top.
Yeah, you are.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you are.
You know what I want you to do? W hat? I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.
I don't know if I can do that.
But you're doing it right now without even using one.
Okay.
Yeah? Twisted my arm.
You know, Bette, I - I know you don't know me, but, um, I'm taking a wild stab that maybe we have some interests in common.
What are you asking me to do? I'd like you to be a character witness against you know who.
I know she's coming on to your board of directors.
Yeah, she's everywhere.
Can't seem to get away from her.
That's how she deals.
She colonizes.
- She fuckin' plunders and pillages, that's | - Uh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That was bad.
Bette, we've got a court hearing in six weeks.
You want me to appear in court? Yes.
Jesus, Winnie.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm really gonna have to think about it.
It's, you know, it's not just that she's on my board of directors, but there's Tina, the Well, fuck, I understand if you don't want to - No, it's not that I don't want to.
Believe me, I would love nothing more than to stand up in court and say what I think of you know who.
You wanna play again? Yeah.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Ahh! Woo! Um.
I - I - I just saw you out there, and it - I dunno, it looked like you were hiding.
I'm not hiding.
I don't believe you.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Sh - Shane, who did this? Who did this to you? It doesn't matter.
No, tell me.
I will fucking kill them.
Who did this to you? You did it.
What? Fuck you.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
Look, I'm sorry.
That was a fucked-up thing to say.
Well, maybe you meant something by it.
- Maybe we should just talk and see what happ | - No.
No.
No.
Can we can we just forget what I said? Let's go back to being friends.
Is that what you want? Really a lot.
I'm so angry I can barely control myself.
But, then I know the more I act like that, the more this person can "F" me up.
But, there I am screaming like a crazy B-I-T-C-H.
That's gotta be hell.
She made my life a living hell.
What were you doing with her, Winnie? Is it so hard to understand? Look at Tina.
You two were separated when she met? Yeah.
And now she has her completely enthralled.
Yeah.
My first play had just debuted at PS 122.
The Voice gave it a rave, and this person shows up and underwrites the entire run of the show.
The next thing you know, I've got my own theatre company, I'm living in a five million-dollar loft in Tribeca, and And starting a family.
Yeah.
Hey, she'd never even thought about kids, but it was a dream of mine, and she's in the business of making people's dreams come true, until she co-opts and makes them her own.
Mommy, I'm finished with my chicken nuggets.
Can I have some ice cream? Uh I think I have some if it's okay.
Did you and your sister finish your salad? Yep.
Alrighty.
Then you get the big prize.
Can I give you some advice about it? I could sure use some.
Drives her crazy when you don't react.
So, she'll bait and bait and bait, and if you just don't take it "We're done for now.
" "We'd be clear of Barker's Pass by now if you hadn't brought that uppity preacher's daughter.
" Hey ladies.
Oh, hello.
It's Mark.
Excuse me.
Is that how you greet your roommate? What are we watching? We're watching a Burr Connors film festival.
Yes, Miss Jenny over here is going to ghostwrite his memoirs.
I'm gonna be his stenographer.
No way.
Do you know that I had a Burr Connor action figure doll as a child? You did? I did, and I made him beat up my G.
I.
Joe on a daily basis.
Are you serious? You actually thought this guy, Burr Connor, is more - is tougher than G.
I.
Joe? Oh, pffpt.
Look at him.
Way tougher.
This is sentimental claptrap.
How could you possibly call these macho men sentimental? Um, because it's a pretext for telling stories about, like, the purity of male friendship and devotion.
I mean, Mark, okay, look at all these films.
They're all fucking the same.
Chick flicks are the same! Okay, okay, you know what? You cannot tell that theory to Burr Connors.
No.
Kiss.
Now.
Thelma and Louise Mwah! No more.
Where's Shane, by the way? Um, I - I think she, uh, went out.
Where? I dunno.
To a club? We don't know, Mark.
Yeah.
Sixteen Candles.
Dukes of Hazzard.
Gone With the Wind, Funny Girl.
Bless me father, for I have sinned.
It's been sixteen years since my last confession.
And what brought you here tonight? Everyone wants something from me, and I don't feel like I have anything left to give.
What have you been giving up until now? Sex.
That's mainly what people want.
Actually, I I don't even know at this point.
I don't - I don't - I don't know.
Do you feel you have to have sex with everyone who wants it? In church I didn't.
I used to, uh, live in a church shelter, so When was that? I guess I was 10.
And I ran away from my foster family because someone told me my real mom was back in Austin.
And she used to go to that shelter when she was trying to get clean.
Your mother was a drug addict? Yeah.
Have you ever considered joining a church group? No.
No.
No, no, I don't like groups.
The thing I I like about confession is you don't have to see the other person's face.
And you don't have to see how how hurt they are when they realize that you can't be that thing they want you to be.
You might find that there are people who don't want anything from you.
They just want to know you.
Yeah, I haven't met anyone like that.
Anyway, there's nothing to know.
My friend, would you just consider it? Ah, thank you.
Sure.
Alice! What? Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought that would go away.
You knew you did this to me? Well, I wasn't doing it on purpose.
You bruise easy.
You're not the only one.
Oh, my god! I look like I've been beaten! I have my interview today! It's radio.
I have to make an impression.
And I don't.
You're right.
I have a photo shoot with Women's Fitness today.
I'm the first out lesbian they've ever put on the cover.
Well, you'll just be saying you can be gay and a slut.
Is there any more? Yeah! Where.
Oh, really! I haven't seen you guys in a couple days.
What have you been doing? - Working.
| -Training.
They've been having sex all weekend.
- Hi! | - Hey! - Hi, everyone.
| - Hi.
Um, why don't you two join us? Okay Thank you.
That's nice.
Hi.
Hello.
So, um Tina was just saying that Dana and Alice are having sex.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
They'll be in good company.
Yeah, we haven't, though.
I've been busy and she's been busy and Working.
Oh, yeah, uh, let me see.
No Busy! Ohh! Okay, let's see.
Um, working! Oh, my goodness! Working it, working it, uh-huh.
Let us see, let us see! Open it up.
- Alright.
I have | - Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! I have my KCRW audition and I kinda don't know what to do so I was Look, you know Why don't you take this.
Because passion should never cost you respect.
No that Helena, I couldn't accept this.
It's Hermes.
It's vintage.
And for having such a good eye, you get to keep it.
Ohh! Wow.
You know, I think I'd better be getting to work.
Well, that's a shame.
Why don't you take the morning off? Well, because it's not really an option for me.
Of course it is.
You're having breakfast with one of your board members.
And we're gonna discuss what we're gonna talk about with Allyn Barnes tonight.
You've gotta be kidding.
Uh, Helena has just joined the board of directors for the CAC.
I'll see you at the meeting.
Well - Bette, why don't you come over later tonight, after the meeting? Tina and I have found a house.
Oh - no - Helena has found a house.
Well, you know what, why don't you all come over tonight, we'll have a, uh - Yeah.
| a house warming party! You should see this house.
It's amazing.
It's the one on Broad Beach.
The one in Architectural Digest.
It's gorgeous.
Of course it is.
You know, that sounds really nice, Helena.
Maybe if I'm not too tired.
Good.
- Bye, Bette.
| - Bye.
- Bye, you guys, good luck.
| - Thanks.
- Hey.
| - Hey.
Did I say something to offend you? No.
Look.
You saved my ass.
And I'm sorry if I didn't thank you adequately.
So thank you.
Do you know anything about, uh about the Samurai code, Ronin? That one of those Hong Kong action flicks? No, it's a book actually.
I was really into that shit when I was like 13, 14, got my first degree black belt in Shotoka.
Lucky for me, huh? Yeah.
Well, according to the Samurai code, if you save someone's ass you're forever indebted to that person.
You're - it's the greatest honor and privilege you can ever achieve.
Look, I - I said thank you.
I don't know what else you want me to do.
Not you, me.
I'm indebted to you for giving me that opportunity.
No, so, it's like, basically, I'm your servant, now.
No thank you.
It's just the way it's gotta be.
You're stuck with me.
Sit, please.
Oh, oh, oh! Allow me.
Will you be having a beverage, my lord? No.
Hello? Hi.
Um, this is Jenny Schecter for Mr.
Burr Connor, please? - Yes, Miss Schecter, come on in.
| - Thank you.
It's a hard feeling to describe.
But I think that I've known for a really long time, and I fought against it because I knew that my family wouldn't approve, but I actually think that I've always known.
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
From the time I was a small boy, I I always knew I wanted to be an actor.
How cool.
So like, what - what kinda writers would you say you model yourself after? Judith Krantz, Danielle Steele? Like that? Ew! You're kidding.
I'm sorry.
Looking at you, having spent a few minutes with you, um I'm good at this.
Mary Gaitskill.
Wow! Thank you.
I don't know.
I mean, Charlotte's pushing me really hard right now, so my style is just evolving pretty fast.
Well, I won't be pushing you.
Okay? I, uh I basically just need you to correct my grammar Mm-hmm.
And add an adjective or two here and there.
'Kay.
Have you - have you ever written anything before? No, not really.
I've been tape-recording myself.
- Oh, yeah? | - Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Actually, I have this.
No.
Uh.
You can put that away.
Okay, then I'll put it away.
Can I - can I just use um, my notebook? No, go ahead.
Um, okay.
I have a couple of questions for you, to begin.
Mm-hmm.
Rod Sebring.
It appears as though you have a very profound connection with him.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, we did three pictures together.
Yeah.
The scene in, uh, in Hard Man To Know, where you carry Mr.
Sebring across Texas after he's been shot it's beautiful and quite romantic.
Mm-hmm.
You like that movie? I loved it! I really - I - I thought it was like - I loved it.
- Really? | - Yeah.
You don't seem like the type.
Oh, my god.
I've seen all of your films.
- I'm sure you have, yeah.
| - Yep.
Burr: In the last two days, right? Yes, but Okay, but - but - but my girlfriend actually has seen all your films.
Your girlfriend.
Yeah.
When she was a little kid, she and her step-dad used to go to all your films so now she can recite all your dialogue.
So she's a tomboy? Gosh, I've never thought of her like that.
I think she's just beautiful.
Well Miss Schecter, thank you so much for coming on over.
And I'll be in touch with you to let you know if I'll be needing your help.
- Oh.
Okay.
| - Okay.
Um, are you firing me, um because I'm gay? Well, I wasn't aware that I'd actually hired you.
But I do prefer to have certain things flaunted in my face.
My big catch-phrase-ending could be, um, "Go ask Alice 'cause she knows what's goin' on!" Like No, that's good.
That's good.
Um, look, I'm gonna go talk to my new chef.
What? Yeah! You got a new chef, that's so cool.
Girl, I stole her from A.
O.
C.
She was training under Suzanne Goins.
Maybe I should write about that.
I mean, it - it's gotta be better than what I have.
No, no, yours is really good, Alice! I mean, you just gotta relax and breathe.
Benjamin.
Right.
You bet.
Yeah.
Okay? Yeah.
This is Alice Pieszecki reminding you to relax and breathe.
Relax and Reminding you to relax and breathe.
Alice.
Gabby! I thought you'd have a more interesting demise than muttering to yourself at The Planet.
Yeah - wow.
Gimme a hug.
Oh.
'Kay.
Oh.
- Hi! | - Hi.
You look good.
Thanks.
What's wrong with you? Mm, nothing except that I'm in love.
Yeah.
Gabby Devaux in love.
Wow.
How are you? What's going on with you? Um - I'm in love too! Aw.
Yeah.
You can't tell? Um, maybe I'm not showing it or something - I'm very private, so.
Alice "tell me all your secrets and I'll sell them to the Daily Planet" Pieszecki? So, who is the lucky lady? Um, she - you don't know her.
I pretty much know everybody.
Well, do I know your new paramour? She's, um - oh.
Here she is.
- Hey.
| - Lara? Hey Alice.
I - I guess you do.
Hey, baby.
Did you like your recipes? Dishes, honey, we don't call them recipes.
So, Alice, how's Dana? She's fine! Yeah! She's great! Actually.
Great.
Yeah, I'm sure you'll see her around and stuff.
So cool - great to see you guys.
The two of you.
Yeah.
Okay.
- Bye.
| - Yeah! Bye! " powered by Real Networks.
KCRW, a community service of Santa Monica College.
" All this at KCRW dot com - Alice.
Hi, Mimi.
I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, you're not gonna believe what just happened to me.
- What? | - Ohh.
Are you ready? Yeah.
I am ready.
I am ready.
Can you say a few words, please? Yes, I ca - um - Yep.
'Kay, good.
Okay.
Hello.
Um, hi - hi, this is Alice Pieszecki.
This is - one, two, is that good? That's good.
Um yeah.
So out walks Lara, who's the - the ex of my current girlfriend.
And, uh, what does she do? She makes out with my ex.
I mean - if I was gonna draw you a picture of this, um, Alice to Dana, Dana to Lara Lara to Gabby - hi, gross.
Gabby to Alice.
I'm just totally freaked out about it! I'm sorry, it's like ahh! Um, I don't know, it's - well I have this chart, and - it's - you know, started on the back of a napkin but now it takes up an entire wall in my living room.
But it's about these entanglements, you know? It's - it's, like, got, uh, relationships on it, one night stands - pretty much has anybody who slept with anybody else That, therefore, connects me to Tina, which connects me to Helena, who Tina's currently seeing And once you get her on the chart, y'know, you have Warren Beatty.
Which, you have him on the chart, you know, you pretty much have Presidents, Presidential interns, I mean, I'm - I'm connected to Monica Lewinsky.
It's random.
It's I don't know, it's I'm sorry, I'm totally rambling, and um 'cause I have sorry.
It's okay, Alice.
I think we've got what we need.
I don't understand.
That's okay.
It was great, I promise you.
Since this isn't a regular meeting, I won't regale you with details of budget or schedule, I'll just welcome Helena Peabody.
And turn it over to Leo.
Well, I think Helena deserves a little more fanfare than that! Helena, the California Arts Center is privileged and highly honored to welcome you to our Board of Directors.
And, Helena has a very special guest with her tonight.
Helena, please introduce Allyn Barnes.
Well, I really don't think Allyn needs any introduction.
She's quite simply one of the most important living artists of our time.
Nonsense.
Stop it.
Nobody outside of the art world even knows my work.
That's an understatement, hardly anyone in the art world knows your work.
Of course we do.
Everybody remembers Allyn Barnes' Tet Offensive.
Well, that was 1972.
I mean, Allyn, how do you propose to show the work you've done since you stopped showing at galleries, because that's 30 years of work that's never been exhibited.
Well, I'm not sure I propose to show it at all.
Allyn doesn't have to worry about that.
We'll devote the entire museum.
All five galleries.
The CAC will be the Allyn Barnes museum.
Oh.
Allyn.
Please don't worry, you're in very good hands with Leo.
What about the earth works in Humboldt County? I mean, A Season In Hell is one of the most magnificent pieces of art made during the last 20 years, and it was destroyed due to clear-cutting.
Bette, I think you're a little out of step here? Allyn and I have discussed this, and - That was what the piece was about.
Yes, but in a retrospective, it would be a glaring omission.
There has to be some way that we reference that work.
I mean, I feel - incredibly privileged to have seen it.
You saw A Season In Hell? I wrote my graduate thesis on it.
That was you? That piece that was published in the Art Forum? It was crude.
I think that I'm a better critical writer now.
I was so furious! You were the first person in eighteen years that penetrated my anonymity.
Well, I did scale three fences just to get close to it, I thought I was gonna get shot at.
Well, you almost were shot at.
But, it was the best article that's ever been written about my work.
I mean, you really, really understood what I was going after.
I attended your lecture series the semester you taught at Yale.
So you must've studied with Si Stillman? Oh, my god! He hated me! Did Si give you that exercise where you had to write about a Vasarely after a story by Borges? "Tlon, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius.
" That was the story I chose.
Reality of Perception.
Labyrinth of Time and Space - Hey! | - Oh, was it that bad? I fucked it up massively.
And how did you manage that? Well, I think that Mister Connor doesn't like the fact that I'm a lesbian.
You told him that? Yeah.
And how did that happen? Guess it just sort of came out.
And I was - I was talking about you.
Aww.
You outed me to Burr Connor! He's a big, creepy homophobe.
Oh.
Well don't worry about it.
Most men from that generation are.
- Hey.
| - Hey.
Um.
Look, a few of us are gonna go hang out, you think you might wanna come? I dunno, I, uh Okay.
How 'bout this.
As my servant, I'm instructing you to come and hang out, because I need the protection.
Alright.
Good answer.
So, it's all about things that are connected.
It can be funny, it can be serious, as long as it fits the premise.
I'm so proud of you.
The Chart with Alice Pieszecki, Fridays at 3 on KCRW.
Ooh, good voice.
You like? Yeah.
Alice, make out with me.
So what made you pick the chart? You had so many other ideas.
Um I don't know.
Actually, I ran into Gabby Devaux.
Blugh! You did! Yeah, and she was all, "Let's be friends!" You know? I don't understand what this need to have a, uh, deep yet sexless relationship with an ex that treated you shitty and cheated on you, but hey.
Yeah, I, you know, don't necessarily think we should be friends with our exes.
Really! You agree, huh? Yeah, I do.
Huh.
Well, what if one of your exes just kinda showed up like that? Well, uh, I'm not ready to be friends with Tonya, if that's what you mean.
Right.
What about, uh I don't know, like Lara.
Alice, I haven't thought about Lara in a long time.
I don't know.
I don't - I guess we could be friends? Unless you don't want me to.
I'll go get that.
Hello? Hi, Jenny, it's Dana.
Hol - hold on.
Um, Jenny and Carmen aren't going to Helena's.
Really? Where they going? Where you going? Is this an LA thing? You invite people, they say they're gonna come, and then they just don't show up? It is.
I remember being shocked by it when I first moved here.
Now I'm just used to it.
Yeah, well, it's not gonna fly with me.
Well, you'll just have to send formal invitations next time.
I'm not so sure there's gonna be a next time.
I'm not very forgiving when it comes to social transgressions.
Come on.
This is nice.
We get to be alone together in your new house, and initiate it all by ourselves.
Or am I not enough for you? You're more than enough for me.
Oh, my god.
Hi! What are you doing? We thought we'd invite ourselves over, if that's okay.
What about Helena and Tina's? Oh, no, it's too far.
Malibu's such a drive.
Oh, the curse of the west side.
And it is family night.
How are you? Hi.
Good to see you.
I guess I'll order pizza! Oh, let me.
I feel privilege being invited to your family night.
Um.
Angeli? Sure.
I think the phone is on the credenza.
Hey, Mark.
Can you get one with, like, ricotta cheese or something? I think they call it, like, the quattro stagione.
What's it called? The quattro stagione.
Kah-tro sta-gee-on? Um, how'd it go with Burr Connors? The Burr Connors? Yeah! Jenny's ghostwriting his memoirs.
Not after today.
That one, and my friend Alice wanted the, uh, meat lover's.
So, everybody, everybody.
Congratulate Alice.
Congratulate Alice! Congratulations! Will you guys listen? To what? To her show! Can you do a radio voice? No.
Come on.
Just do it.
Just do it.
No! I never wanna hear the radio voice again! Please! Doesn't everyone have one? "But there must be something I'm missing, please tell me again.
" Cheers.
Drink, Bette? Thanks to Steph for the transcript Subing: Alucardo