The Lake (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

The Simplex Solution

1
To lifeguard
is to guard life.

These trials will
test speed, strength
and your response to danger.

Wearing the red swimsuit is a privilege.

We stand on the sun-kissed shoulders
of the greats who came before us:
Pamela Anderson.

David Hasselhoff.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Yup.

Are we ready?
Set
Swim! Swim! Swim!
- Come on!
- Bring it, girls!
- Come on, girls, come on!
- Keep breathing!
Why is everyone so amped for
lifeguarding certifications?
'Cause, man! Lifeguards rule the beach.

They got the cash, they got the bods,
they got unlimited
access to the Boathouse.

I'm sorry, were you a lifeguard?
No.
My love handles
and Maisy being captain
- meant that was never to be.

- You barely sound bitter.

Yeah, I know.
I need a
new emotional diuretic.

But we're celebrating,
because of Ulrika and the board
are voting against Maisy's reno.

- So you finally beat Maisy!
- Yes, but ladies don't brag.

Come on, Killian!
Come on, girls! Haul ass!
Go hard!
That should be you out there.

Oh, I know.
I'm three
seconds faster than Killian.

- Yes, you are.

- But he can have it this year.

"This year"?
As in, there's gonna be a next year?
Ah, I don't know.

There's no sport in beating the Quads.

- Mmm?
- And if you run Maisy
off the lake, Killian goes too.

He's a part of the set.

Fine.

When I get the cottage,
we will workshop your
cottage-share idea.

- For real?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're making me a better
person and it's disgusting.

It looks like Killian's leading.

- I'm gonna go watch up close.

- Okay.

I was so stanning her and Olive
I want to introduce you to someone.

This is Gilson Fishburne,
our local county councillor.

- Oh.

- And he's running for mayor.

- Oh!
- This is Justin Lovejoy,
my stepfather's son.

- Yeah, hello.

- Gil.

- Gil "The Thrill.
"
- Oh, dear.

Will you be joining us tonight
at Maisy's farmhouse cookout?
- Farmhouse cookout?
- Yeah, I thought
it would be a fun
theme for a fundraiser.

I'm also helping with Gil's campaign.

And I'm learning so
much about local law.

Like, a farmhouse can actually
be bulldozed without a permit!
And architecture is so subjective.

Who's to say what's a
cottage, what's a farmhouse?
Actually, I do.
I make that decision.

Yes, yes you do!
So how does our new Boathouse
president feel about this idea?
Ulrika gave us the green thumbs-up.

- Oh!
- Yes! It turns out
some of her garden's more exotic crops
don't have the necessary paperwork,
but Gil here was kind
enough to let that slide.

Glad I could be of help.

Well, it's an election year.

Gotta go press some flesh.

- Interesting choice of words.

- That's right.
Bye.

Take care.

That's why you gave Ulrika
your spot in the election!
That's why you did it,
because you knew that you could
use Gil to screw her.

But if you lost to Wayne,
you would've actually been screwed.
Ha!
- Uh, whoa! I just
- And our new
Junior Lifeguard: Killian Lin!
No!
Way to go, baby! Woo!
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
Oh, come to the cookout tonight.

It'll be fun! We'll be
celebrating Killian's victory.

And mine too, I guess!
She always wins.

She always fucking wins!
Killian Lin! You are
now a Junior Lifeguard.

Here are the keys to the Boathouse.

You are guarding the Bifrost
so that only true heroes may enter!
Also Riley, he has a spare set.

I'll guard them with my uh, Thor.

Good!
The Boathouse's first Chinese-Canadian
Junior Lifeguard! I'm so proud of you!
My boy's breaking barriers like
his dad broke bones on the ice!
Okay, I'm gonna
go hang out with Billie now.

You're coming with me!
Don't be late for the cookout!
You're the guest of honour.

- Bravo!
- So, how much did this
little farmhouse loophole cost us, babe?
I offered my services as
an expert brand manager
for Gil's campaign!
And the cash for one of our bathrooms.

The one with the butt fountain?
It's called a bidet, honey.
It's French.

Ugh! Can't we lose something else?
The sauna?
You know my hockey
injuries are only soothed
by steam and Alaskan yellow cedar.

- Right.

- How about Opal's walk-in?
Only if you're the one to tell him.

This is Justin's fault.

He cost me the election.

Stay frosty.

Where the frick are my carbs?
I wouldn't.

It's been a really rough morning.

Those those have been
there since before my time.

Want some sour cream and listeria chips?
No.
And why are we eating our feelings?
Because,
my stepsister is gonna
bulldoze my family cottage
and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sorry.
That sucks.

Yeah, it sucks.
Everything sucks.

Whoopsie.
I swear, I turned Grindr off
- when I came up to the lake.

- Never turn it off.

Slim pickings up here.

What's your handle?
JustinTimbersnake91.

- Okay.

- Yours?
Riley.

That tracks.

What did I say?
Shall we see what horny
truckers seek our company?
- Huh.

- Ah
Bold choice, posting his age.

No, that's 4-3.

- Dude's into threesomes.

- Oh
And "MayorNaise" is because
he's running for mayor.

Did you hook up with that Gil guy?
Ish.
Ish!
Again, very small pool.

- Oh, God!
- Hey, no, no, no! No.

You're okay.

Do you want some real carbs?
Always.

I know the perfect place.

You are fierce.
You're an animal!
You devour your prey
and wait 30 minutes before
getting in the water.

You know, you'll have to
watch your back next year.

I'm thinking of trying out.

That's if we're back next year.

The new cottage may not be finished yet.

- Your reno's back on?
- Yeah.

But I thought the
Boathouse Board nixed it.

Nope.
Mom found a loophole
because she's obsessed.

It just sucks.

My whole life's been moving city to city
'cause of my dad's hockey.

Grandpa Derek's cottage was the
only place that never changed.

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.

Ugh.
Lifeguard!
Please.
Go down to the beach
and get the other coolers
and bring them to the Lifeguard Lounge.

Someone is coming to
test these fish in the morning.

- Skynda! Please.

- Okay.

Uh, hey! Hang later?
Yeah.

What are the fish being tested for?
Herpes.

There's an outbreak over on Selkie Lake.

We must act quickly to
make sure that the infection
has not spread to our fish stocks.

What happens if our fish have herpes?
Do they call every fish
they've ever spawned with?
No, we stop all activity that
slows the lake's recovery.

Weeks of boats, waterskiing,
roadwork, construction
- Construction?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, and fish communicate
with farts, not phones.

How would they text with
their tiny little fins?
Fishing?
Selkie Lake?
You and gluten
why can't I quit you?
Hey, Jayne.
Doin' okay?
Everything was fine until you showed up.

Putting ideas in my head.

"Why don't you run against Maisy?"
"Why did you settle for Wayne?"
- I never said that
- "Summer of Jayne"?
This is summer of pain.

My girls will never make
lifeguard captain now.

Not with Killian lapping them.

I won't let her take it from us.

The next time I see Maisy,
I'm gonna tell her
- Tell her what, Jayner?
- How excited I am
for Maisy's cookout tonight!
I'm gonna make my crab cakes.

- Everyone loves them.

- Lookin' forward to it.

Touch less cilantro
this time, okay, Jayner?
Hey, would you mind giving
J-spot and I a hot sec?
Nailing down that gay vote,
hardest part of the campaign.

- Cost me my presidency.

- Ooh.

You know I can't vote, right?
The only vote I want from you is
NOTIFICATION.]
Vrrt.
Vrrt.
Vrrt.

You tappin' back, Timbersnake?
Why don't you tap Maisy's ass?
You're already way the hell up there.

Oh, meow! Kitty likes to scratch.

I see why Maisy brought in my big guns.

- Oh
- I see it all the time
up here, J-spot.
One kid
wants to knock the cabin down,
the other one wants to
turn it into a museum,
and here's poor little Gil.

Actually not so little, and
surprisingly attentive
- Oh, God.

- Stuck in the middle,
and all I want is
what's best for the lake.

Okay.
Well, as if you haven't
already made up your mind, Gil.

I'm currently fielding
several counteroffers.

Well, I don't have Maisy's kind of cash.

I take other currency.

- I mean sex
- Yes, that was clear.

Thank you, but I have a date,
and I don't want to make
any early withdrawals,
if you know what I mean,
in case it goes well.

If you include Riley,
we got a done deal.

How did you know it was Riley?
Gay-P-S.
Keeping the community together.

- You wanna stick it to Maisy?
- Yeah.

- I get to stick it to you.

- What?
And then you're gonna stick it to me,
and then I'm going to stick it to Riley.

We don't have to decide
the order right now.

Do we have a deal?
Let's make a manwich!
Don't do it.

I think we may have a problem.

Gil was all over Justin this morning.

We may have to prepare
for contingencies.

Like?
The juicing island.

But we've already given so much!
I know, I know! I
Well, Gil does take other currencies.

Bitcoin? Stock options?
Livestock.

A blue chip, like an
ex-pro hockey player,
may tip the balance
if we need to counter.

It's no different than the strap-on!
It's just like we practiced.

Listen, no pain, no stain.

Right?
Well, you are the cutest
fisherwoman I have ever seen!
And that is the gayest
plaid I've ever seen.

- Hi!
- Hi!
Oh, someone's in a good mood!
I'm going fishing with a friend.

- Is that code?
- No, actual fishing.

- No fishiness on my watch.

- And who is this friend?
Oh, just her cousin.

Totally age-appropriate.

- Justin!
- I will give you some privacy.

- It was lovely to see you.

- Okay, bye, Justin!
Can I get some advice on
something? I have a quandary.

Oh, yes, please.
We
love a good quandary.

Okay, so they're gonna destroy something
- that's always been here.

- Like old-growth trees?
Totally, that.
So, where do we, like,
stand on doing something a little wrong
to save something like old-growth trees?
- We stand with you.

- Fight big lumber!
Billie Bear, I wish you could be here.

The sushi is so good.

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

Mmm!
Hey, did you know that
fish can get herpes?
Have fun in Kyoto!
Oh, boy.
Your dry
cleaner's gonna love you.

What you were serious.

I thought fishing was code or something.

Why does everybody think
that? I'm very literal.

Here, let me help you.
Which
- For you.

- Thank you.

I better show you how to cast, then.

Okay, so first, you've
gotta pick the lure.

Actually, no
let the lure pick you.

I watched some YouTube tutorials.

Oh, my God.

Fuck keto!
- Do you two need to be alone?
- Don't judge me.

Oh! It's gonna be Billie.

She's very, very in
invested in our date.

How is that whole
kind-of-being-a-dad thing going?
I don't know.
Kinda weird.

Kinda good.

It's just the most time
we've ever spent together.

She's a cool kid.

- Very together.

- She is.

Very together.
Too together.

I sometimes worry, like,
"Adderall valedictorian" together.

But listen, I am way too fresh and dewy
to be some baby-bjorn-gayby-daddy who's
just droning on about his
kids.
I wanna know about you.

So what's Riley about, besides being
the handiest man on the lake?
I just do all that to
support my photography.

Okay! She's an artiste, huh?
So, what do you shoot? Like, landscapes?
Portraits?
I use roadkill to recreate
iconic crime scenes from CSI.

I call it "RKI:
Roadkill Investigations.
"
Is that, like, fan fic, or, like
like, fur fic?
It's to bring awareness
to the animals' deaths.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Speeding kills.

It's actually why I brought you here.

This is where I scout most of my models.

Hmm
Wow.

Uh
Great.

So, uh, what's your, um
what's your spicy
MayorNaise story, huh?
I met him.
Kind of cute in, like,
a hot-for-vice-principal sort of way.

I almost hooked up with
him and his husband.

- Oh!
- But, uh,
Joe Rogaine there didn't
tell his hus-bear at first.

Yikes.

Which is why I prefer sex
parties over threesomes.

Yeah.

It's far more democratic.

Sure.
Yeah.
You've gotta
get the democracy going.

Billie wants a picture
of the food truck.

Do you wanna take a selfie with me?
Sure.

She's gonna love it.

Our presence is being
requested at Maisy's cookout.

What do you mean? You want to go now?
Well, the sooner we
make an appearance
the sooner we can leave.

Okay.

Okay.
Yeah.
I'll just, um
We gotta we gotta leave.

We gotta go.
We're gonna do this.

Yeah, just start the car.

Are those sores?
Gross.
Let's toss it back
- Oh, wait, no.
I need it!
- For what?
To, uh
find a cure.

For fish herpes?
Mm-hmm.

There's not even a
cure for human herpes.

Which is why we owe it to
the mouth sore community
to explore all forms of the disease.

The cure is out there.

What
I'm trying to make it look like our lake
was infected with herpes.

Ulrika said if the fish had herpes,
construction on the lake would stop.

And I know how much
our grandpa's ew
your grandpa's cottage means to you.

I thought maybe this could save it.

That's environmental sabotage.

Yeah.

I'm touched.

Really.

I wasn't gonna actually infect the lake.

Just swap out a fish
that was going in for
testing with this one.

But it's insane, so we can
- just toss it back.

- Or
We could Greenpeace this shit.

Let's do this.

Hey!
I'm watching you three.

Hey, you two.
How are you?
Oh! Becky-Sue, Becky-Sue, Becky-Sue.

Say goodbye to Grandpappy's farm.

Looks like the bank finally
called in Daddy's loan.

Oh, well, hopefully this will
take care of Daddy's debts.

Oh, actually, Becks, the,
uh, price has gone up
threefold,
I'm fielding some
interesting counteroffers.

Well, we're happy to match any price.

Maisy
that's what I love about you.

- There goes our juicing island.

- And our custom clawfoot.

Unless "three" means
- Oh
- No, babes!
We haven't had a threesome
since my rookie year.

Don't you remember
our Tampa Bay Triangle?
I barely remember Tequila Bay Triangle.

You did have a lot of
mescaline that night.

Just sit back, relax,
and think of your sauna.

No pain, no stain.

Know what's better than one fiddle?
- What?
- Two fiddles.

Love your scrunchie.

I think there's more
room in the kitchen.

Mm-hmm.

Sweet.

Hey, sorry, babe.
Had to take a waz.

Whoreen and Saggy Balls
are still in the shitter.

Nobody wants my crab cakes!
Our girls aren't lifeguards.

And you let me wear
this stupid scrunchie!
Hey, I love your scrunchie, babe.

And you know I love your crab cakes.

I used to be captain,
until Maisy stole it from me!
It was three to one in our favour!
Where did where did I go wrong?
It's too much cilantro, babe.

Okay? Just adjust the
ratios and it's fine.

Our girls, babe.

I failed them.

Jaynie you are the greatest mom ever.

Hey, our girls?
They got your smokin' bod.

They got my super smarts.

And one day, they are gonna follow in
their mom's MILF-y footsteps
and they're gonna marry
a great guy or girl
like me.

First time I saw you,
I knew I was gonna spend the
rest of my night with you.

Then you got pregnant.

And I thought, "I'm pretty sure
she said she was on the pill.
"
Then you said, "I'm
getting an abortion.
"
Ugh, that's when I knew you
were the girl for me, Jaynie!
And now six IVF treatments
later, here we are!
So who gives a shit if
Killian won lifeguard
or if Maisy still looks fit as hell?
You are my girl, Jaynie.
Forever.

I I have to go.

Whew.
Check out the
height on that tushy.

Gotta get me some Spanx.

Ugh.

Oh, God, there's that hornt-up creep.

Bleh.
You know what the worst part is?
They're usually great in bed.

Oh, God, curses!
Sure, yeah.
Nothing beats
a dirty hate-fuck, but
Threesomes are a fourth-date thing?
I thought we were vibing,
but, hey, if you want
to have a three-way
with "MayorNaise"
We are, we are.
We're we're vibing.

There's there's total vibes.

It's just that, um
Oh!
- Hello.

- Hello.

Shit.
Just give me a sec, okay?
Don't go anywhere.

Oh, look who finally decided
to show up to the party.

You just missed it.
Maisy made
a huge donation to my campaign.

Oh!
I'm gonna miss this old barn.

Justin, I am so pleased
that you and Riley showed up.

Enjoy the crab cakes.

What the fuck, Gil? We had a deal!
It was just feeling like
you weren't gonna deliver.

Oh, I deliver.
I can
Pony Express-deliver.

I just thought that I had
a little bit more time.

Well, now that Maisy's fat
check is burning a hole in
my back pocket, time is not an
asset you have, Ponyboy.
But
If you and Riley
want to get funky in the bunky
in about ten minutes, I'll see
to it that Maisy won't be able
to screw in so much as a lightbulb
unless I give her a permit
in this town.
Or else
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.

"Oh no, my cottage.

No, not my cottage.
Not the cottage!"
That's not my voice.

- Oh!
- Family always helps.

Staff uniforms are in the kitchen.

Opal, I'm not
- Ándale!
- God
I'm sorry, Jaynie.

I let you and the dance crew down.

We had such dreams
Cosmetology, real estate
advanced cosmetology.

Can you ever forgive me?
Should we put him with the others?
No.
What if the others
don't have herpes?
Mmm take out one of Ulrika's fish
and put Herpie Hancock in instead.

Aww, you named our fish?
Shut up.

Okay.
Uh
There are no empty coolers,
so where do we put the clean fish?
Back in the lake.

Then we make our little
Herpie Hancock comfy here,
and we have ourselves an outbreak!
Jailbreak's what you're in
for when I tell your parents!
You two need to come with me.

Oh, yee-haw!
I, uh I could get
into this little roleplay.

Well, I hope so,
'cause what I was trying
to say earlier was
um I I
I haven't had sex in such a long time,
and I am so freaked out about it.

Aw, it's like riding a bicycle.

Yes, but my last bicycle had sex
with 24 other bicycles
and fat-shamed me.

We don't have to have sex.

No, no, no, I wanna
have sex with you, Riley.

I wanna have sex with you.

I wanna have so much sex.

It's just that I don't
want my first time in
let's just round down
to a year to be bad.

Not if it's with somebody that
I like, 'cause then, honestly,
I'm just gonna get so
in my head about it.

But I was thinking that
maybe if there was, like, a
if there was, like, a buffer, you know?
Like, a buffer boy who could
just kind of get between us
or under us, whatever, just to
take some of the pressure off!
Are you asking me to have a
threesome on our first date?
Yes.
But only because I
really, really like you.

Everyone, if I could
just get your attention.

I want to make a toast
to new beginnings, and to
the lake's future mayor.

I'm a simple man,
a simple man, a simply handsome man
with a full head of hair.
All mine.

- I have a dream
- I'll do it.

- Wait, really?
- Yeah.

You know, working with death a
lot makes you appreciate life,
and sex is the one
thing we get for free.

So
Hey, second date, full sex party.

- Lots of dicks.

- Thank you, Maisy,
for your hospitality and your vision
for the revitalisation
of our lake.
Hear, hear!
- Hear, hear!
- I would also, uh,
like to make a toast!
We are so excited
to get behind a man
who rises to a challenge.

Adversity, as they say,
makes excellent bunk fellows.

Yeah.

To the thrill of Gil!
- Yeah!
- The Thrill of Gil!
Yeah!
Tight hip flexors can
really ruin a threesome.

You know, I wanna stretch it out.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You okay?
- Yeah.
So good, so good.

You got a new bike to ride.

- Yeah.

- Easy, breezy.

Squeeze me.

Okay.

Daddy likes what he sees.

I think talking's not our friend here.

I caught these two breaking
into the Lifeguard Lounge
with this skanky little fish
they were smuggling in from Selkie Lake.

They were trying to
give our lake herpes.

Jayne, are you feeling okay?
Did you use fresh crab?
Go ahead.
Ask them.

All right.
Killian?
I didn't want you to tear
down grandpa's cottage.

No, it it wasn't his
fault, it was my idea.
I, um
I tricked him into coming with me.

But as Boathouse staff,
it was Killian's responsibility.

He must surrender the tank top.

The keys will be fine.

Are you really going
to fire the Boathouse's
first Chinese-Canadian lifeguard?
It was a mistake.

This is not about race!
This is about an individual.

I am sorry, kladdkaka.

Thank you.

So now, the position goes to, uh
eh, uh
I don't know any of their
names, just pick one.

Okay, so, next barbecue at our house?
Celebrate the girls getting lifeguard?
I just have to break it to Keri.

Or Teri.
Or Jeri.

It's probably safer for
everyone if they just share it.

Get over here.

Great cookout!
Okay, well, I'm gonna
leave this here for Maisy,
and I will see you around.

That's such a nice colour on you.
Okay.

Yeah.

What's, uh what's going on, J-spot?
Why's the pole at half-mast? Who died?
It it was just there, I swear.

I was it was, like,
it was just there
- He was just there.

- I was there.

I thought, uh, sticking it to Maisy
would've stiffened your resolve.

What does Maisy have
This was never about riding the bicycle.

No, no, wait, Riley, come on.
I'm sorry!
I can explain if you Well, actually,
you've pretty much got it all.

This just became a party for two.

All right! Sorry, Timbersnake.

The deal was for three.

Welcome to the farmhouse.

With "MayorNaise"?
Damn it.

Oh, there he is.

Where were you? I called and texted.

I'm sorry, I was with
None of that matters.
What
happened? What's wrong?
Your birth daughter coerced
my son into committing a crime.

Okay, take it easy, Dateline.

I don't think that Billie and Killian
should see each other anymore.

They obviously don't bring
out the best in each other.

What are you talking
about? Billie's a great kid.

Under the watch of her parents, sure.

But she obviously hasn't
had the best example
- this summer, has she?
- I am really, really sorry.

Do you ever get tired of winning?
Or being the fucking worst?
Okay.
Whoa.

Billie, I am really sorry
that things went this way too.

Please tell your parents that
I'm a really big fan of their work.

You left me alone with that sociopath
- and I texted and texted you!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I got caught up with Riley
It doesn't matter.
What happened?
I was trying to help Killian.

He loves your stupid cottage too,
so when Ulrika said that
if the lake had herpes,
it would stop construction,
I thought if it looked like
our lake was infected, then
- I don't know.

- Oh, my God.

That's genius.

Not so genius that we got
caught and Killian got fired!
Yeah, but you were doing it
for someone that you care about!
I'd have done the same thing.

I mean, here's dumbass me,
I'm trying to stop the
reno by having a threesome
with this slimy
politician, but your plan?
Simple, elegant, scientific?
Oh, my God.
Maisy was right.

- You are a terrible influence!
- What?
I will not be
infected by your herpes anymore!
Billie!
Looks like you lost your canoe ride.

Lucky for you, I, uh, have
a soft spot for roadkill.

Come on.

Thanks for the ride.

I know it sounds insane,
but I did it to save
the cottage for Billie.

I mean, putting out for
your kid's real estate?
That's gotta be a parenting first.

Yeah.

I just wish you would've
been honest about it.

All right.
So if I'd said,
"Hey, will you bang
this skeezy guy with me
to save our cottage?"
would you have done it?
I hope you find a guy who'll
suck a politician's dick for you.

Billie?
Billie, I'm sorry.
I
I will do better, I will be better.

I will be a better
birth father, or friend,
or whatever it is that you
He's trying, baby.

I know, I know.

It's gonna be okay, honey.

It's gonna be okay.
Tummy mummy's here.

Shh.
It's okay, sweetie.

It's okay.

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