The Larkins (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
VACUUMING
I can still see dust!
Well, nobody else can.
You all right, Mum?
Yes. Do more cleaning.
Oh! What's this? My eyes!
Stop the polishing!
Is the Queen coming today, is she?
Yes, Queen Bertha of Bromley.
I thought it might be good
for your sister to see some dirt.
She will NOT see any dirt!
Why are you worrying?
Ooh!
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Come on, love.
I
Come on.
Oh
BELL TRINGS,
HE WHISTLES
HE LAUGHS
Childish, Pop. Very childish.
Ooh, Edith, yes!
You're on the parish council.
Yes.
Do you want to join us?
You'd be such an asset.
Or the playing fields committee?
I'm on that, too. Do join us.
Or the Knitting For Poor,
Cold Children club?
Edith, Edith
Forgive me.
You bring out the poxy in me.
Oh, right.
I've been told Tom Fisher
wants to extend his hotel
and do away with Spreading Linda.
Oh, no, Spreading Linda?
Our beautiful tree?
I was in and out of her
many a summer back
when I felt able to do
that sort of thing.
D'you know if he's submitted
any plans? No.
Would you like me to trigger
the consultation process
via Rule 29B and call a meeting?
There you go.
Thanks.
Have you seen Charley?
I think he's avoiding me.
Because you're spending time
with Tom. Less than with him.
Tom's just more pushy.
And smooth as a baby's arse.
GIGGLING Did I hear "arse"?
Anyway, I'm off to my job in Paris
in a few weeks
And Charley's an angel.
I don't wanna hurt him.
I told him he should have swept you
off your feet by now.
Well, if he has to be told, then
there's not much point, is there?
Right ladies!
Let's get picking!
THEY LAUGH
OK.
Whoo!
Down by your strawberry beds, anyone?
Let's pick this field naked!
Whooooo!
MARIETTE SCREAMS
I've just been so full of life
down here on the Larkins' farm, Mum!
'Because of this girl?'
Yes! No.
Abso No. Mum, it's everyone.
Everything.
'And are you still happy?'
Er
Actually no.
WHISTLING
Mr Larkin!
Tom.
What, do you wanna come in?
Oh, no, Tom.
I've got some mad in-laws
to get home to.
You know
Anyway, look, word is that,
besides turning Bluff Court
into a big hotel
you're gonna be knocking down
our most famous tree!
Well that's all speculative
at this stage.
No, it's not. You mean business,
and you should be sharing that
with the village,
so we can all discuss it.
Do you share all YOUR business plans?
Well, of course!
If it affects everyone.
So!
See you at the village hall.
All right, Charley?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, just ringing my parents.
Though it is odd, being called
"Cedric". I kept correcting them.
Yeah, they're shocked that I've
thrown in my job at the tax office.
Well, what did you tell them?
That I'd found a better way of living.
Amongst inspirational people.
Yeah, they told me I'm an imbecile.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, yeah, how's, er I-Is it Tim?
SHE SIGHS
No, it's Tom. I dunno. Ask him.
Don't be disingenuous.
You know what I mean.
Charley, I was brought up
to say what's on my mind.
I just did,
and you seem a little defensive.
No, I'm due to go to France,
we've got the family lunatics staying
and I'm behind on my French.
J'envie donc.
Calmes-toi, je t'en prie!
What is it with you men
and being able to speak French?
Oh, for
So he can speak French as well?
Goodness me, is there anything
the smarmy hustler can't do?!
Jealousy is so boring.
Worry about yourself more than him.
Oh! All right, so I'm boring
and self-deluded?
Well, you should've just said so
before, Mariette.
HE SIGHS
APPLAUSE Mr Charlton?
Mr Charlton, sir!
Hello, Brigadier.
You're looking very cheesed off.
How can we put the cheese
back on your face?
Or take it off, whichever it is.
Er You can't, but thank you.
Ooh, I'd better, er
No, no, stay.
They can play around you.
PLAYER GRUNTS
MAN: Don't drop it!
To me, mate!
APPLAUSE
Oh!
Good throw. Most impressive.
Pick a team.
Oh, er, thank you,
but I'm leaving the village.
I can't stay with the Larkins
any more.
It's not my place to ask why.
So, you might want to tell me?
Oh, sorry. Erm
I just felt it was time to, er
No. No, it's Mariette.
She
SIGHS
..is unsettling.
Then bill it with us.
We love guests.
Oh, er are you sure?
CHUCKLING: Your, er your sister
doesn't seem hugely sociable.
Oh, she is.
But she seldom tells her face.
THEY SHOU
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
How can we get Mariette together
with Charley?
Oh, it's just bad timing.
You can't make someone love
who they don't want to.
No, otherwise,
I'd be fighting of Rock Hudson,
and he'd be shacked up
in the woods with Lauren Bacall.
Mariette should know better.
I tell you what, then.
Why don't you let us
choose your boyfriends?
What about that? I mean, I like that
Rom Pummel in her class, don't you?
Ooh! He's a charmer.
Mm.
Mariette is just distracted
by France and Tom.
How can she trust Tom
when we know he wants to pull up
that lovely old tree?
Actually, she's right.
That is a bit sly.
Especially after
I'd made a massive cash offer
for that big old pile of bricks.
Shh!
There's something What? What?
I can hear them.
Hey?
CAR APPROACHING
Jemima!
Bertha, sweetheart.
MA CHUCKLES
Florence.
Hello, Pop.
Howard, how are you?
Let me look at you.
BERTHA CHUCKLES
And let me look at you.
Jemima
So, er what do you think?
Oh, well, look at that sky.
I mean
Although the veg will need a bit
of rain, mind, you know. No, no.
I mean our new 3.4L Jaguar.
Oh. Yeah, very nice. Very nice, yes.
HOWARD CHUCKLES
Now, think about car dealers
is you've got to bargain with them.
Now, I told him, I said,
"I am not paying the full price
"unless you throw in
those mud flaps."
Right.
So he did.
Oh.
Brilliant.
Well, I can't wait to, erm
tap into your extensive knowledge,
Howard.
I'll give you a hand with them.
STRAINING: Right.
We do like a nice car.
We like nice things generally,
don't we, Howard?
Oh, yes.
That's just us.
SHE CHUCKLES
We have a Rolls-Royce.
Ooh
It's quite an old one.
You know what?
I'm going to go to the village,
get some castration pliers.
Good luck, everyone.
Let me take that from you, pumpkin.
Shall we?
We've got lots of animals
on the farm, Jemima.
Which is your favourite?
She hates all animals.
They've usually got mud on them.
It's so silly,
both of us living in the same county
and hardly ever meeting.
It is.
But we are addicted to Bromley.
Mm.
The interesting thing about Kent
is it's not only rural,
but also suburban,
with lots of commuters
going into London by train.
BERTHA CHUCKLES
You must be desperate for a ride
in our new 3.4L Jaguar.
Oh yes.
What do you fancy doing tomorrow,
Jemima?
Staying clean.
"Staying clean"? Are you serious?
She's spotted a fair bit
of mud and dirt. Hm
She likes her tarmac.
Don't you, 'Mima?
Kunzle Showboat.
WHISTLING
'Ey up, Charley.
Ooh.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Oh You're not leaving, are you?
Oh, please don't think me ungrateful.
I just didn't want
to disturb the household.
No, not at all! The out-laws,
they'll be gone in a day or two.
No, no, no,
I mustn't impose on you any longer.
I'll saying with the Brigadier.
OK, well, good. That's not far.
No, no.
We'll miss you.
Especially Mariette.
Well
Bye.
OK.
HORN BEEPS TWICE
You all right, Tom?
Mornin'.
Nice.
Fancy a spin in the country?
Any particular reason?
Well
It's a chance to understand me better.
Hello, horrors.
Well, you're young and small.
That's not what you say to kids.
Well I break all the rules,
don't I?
Erm What do you think
of my nice car?
Don't YOU start.
Oh!
What an expected pleasure.
I love to give the people
what they want.
Especially you, Mrs Larkin.
When Kentish eyes are smiling, hey?
SHE CHUCKLES
LOWERS VOICE: How old are you, Tom?
Mm! Quite a big age gap between you
and our Mariette, isn't there?
So you would prefer a 20-year-old
driving around your precious daughter?
Touchy!
I think you mean touche.
No, I don't.
She can look after herself,
but don't go mucking her about.
I treat all women with reverence.
Even when they're mucking me about.
Ooh, I hope you haven't got
any nasty secrets -
no dead wife in the woodshed!
SHE LAUGHS Sorry.
I'm just trying to crack you open.
You seem too good to be true.
We love the village, but
it has more of its fair share
of gargoyles and muggins.
Well, I love it here, too.
It's home now.
Oh, credit to you.
We need new blood.
Right, come on. Out of the way.
CHILDREN PROTES
Thank you.
How can I persuade you that
I have your - and the village's -
best interests at heart?
Stop throwing your weight around?
If you mean me restoring
a broken old mansion,
and, yes, enlarging it
and sadly losing one of
several thousand trees, then
Beware men, especially businessmen,
bearing gifts.
Your dad may be making money, but
most people around here need work.
Opportunity, income.
Imagine if you were staying here.
I'm not!
But if you were.
Do you really wanna work
for your parents forever?
CYCLIST: Morning!
Morning.
BELL TRINGS
Hey up, Libby.
What's all this, then?
A public meeting's been called.
Uh-huh?
About Tom Fisher's plans to build
an extension on his exciting 'otel.
Really? Who'd have thought?
You're normally the first to know,
Larkin.
Best thing to happen here for years.
Something in it for you, is there?
First an oversized hotel,
then he plans to chop down
one of Kent's legendary trees.
We can't let this happen!
No, I agree. We can't.
Let's see who wins, shall we?
Do you know anything about cars?
Yes.
I know that, when they go wrong,
you get a bloke into fix it.
Oh. My little sister, Victoria,
can build a car from the wheels up.
Really?
Mm-hm.
Should've taken her out,
rather than you.
Mm, might be a bit weird.
She talks mainly in grunts.
Ugh I'm afraid this feels
like just deserts.
I shouldn't be here.
Why not? Why deprive yourself?
My friend Charley's moved out cos
he doesn't think I should trust you.
And do you trust him?
It took him years to realise
that being a taxman is boring.
Hm! It's a good and honest job.
HE SIGHS
And being here's
really opened his eyes.
Are you your own person or his?
I'm infinitely complicated.
Me, too!
Let's be "infinitely complicated"
together. Or
shall we embrace
our more basic instinct
At least we're only a few miles away
from home. Here comes a car.
SHE LAUGHS
Traffic policeman meets
bull-fighter? Could be disastrous.
I don't know. 'Ello, 'Ello. Ole!
I'll do this. You'll scare them off.
Erm
Chance of a lift to a call box?
Yes.
You keep this hood up. OK, my dear?
I think she might be a bit hot.
Clean and safe.
If you see an animal, poppet,
just scream
and your cousins will
throw themselves in front of it.
Don't be scared of mud. It's normal.
And dung.
Normal.
Pigs mating? Normal.
Enough. We won't make you
watch pigs mating, sweetheart.
Jemima?
Don't panic if you see birds.
Don't be scared any more.
Come on! It's fine.
POP: What a shame.
There'll be other times.
You sure it weren't Charley
sabotaging your motor?
No, course he didn't.
He's not clever, but not with
his hands, as far as I know.
Ha! Anyway, Tommy, should you
really be swanning around?
Haven't you got to face the village
about your plans
to eventually turn it into Birmingham?
Ha-ha (!) You should take
your comedy on stage.
Well, that big cedar'll
have to go for kick-off, 'ey?
Or what about there, big car park?
Road? Car park?
Dad, don't tease.
Ooooh!
THEY LAUGH Hey!
That's more like it, Jem.
Oh!
Berries!
HE SIGHS
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
THEY CHEER
20 minutes,
and we're in London by train.
Oh, that's handy.
Pop helped save our railway
only last week.
And we don't fancy that and we're,
er we're bored with Bromley
Unlikely!
Unlikely.
..we've got all the joys of Croydon
just a short hop away.
Erm, top-up, anyone?
You know what? I'd love an advocaat.
You'd think you'd through checking
the only drink we haven't got.
Where's Mariette gone?
Toilet.
That's a long toilet.
You know what?
I've got to go check on the, erm
How's-your-father.
..geese. Geese.
So, Mariette's friend's car
broke down, did it?
Wouldn't happen to
our new 3.4L Jaguar.
It only broke down
because Victoria sabotaged it.
We prefer Charley to Tom.
Mm!
On geese Little-known fact.
A group of case is called a gaggle.
Or a wedge if they're in flight.
Or a plump in tight formation.
A gaggle. Yeah.
Interesting little titbit for you.
Excuse me, I need an aspirin.
SHE SIGHS
What are you doing?
Get back in there!
You go back! It's my turn.
Oh, oh
HE SIGHS
They'll be back when they're hungry.
IN HINDI:
Er, wh
what are you talking about?
Er Recipes.
You, er
You must teach me some Hindi.
You won't be staying long enough.
Right.
So, what are your plans?
I don't have any.
Oh
So, you must have taught
all of the Larkins.
What was Mariette like at school?
Headstrong, always fighting
off boys, often arrived on a horse.
Oh. Right. Nothing's changed.
CHUCKLES
You have admirers, too.
Pauline at the inn said
there'll always be a welcome
in her hillside for you.
Oh, d'you know what?
I have had my offers.
Haven't we all?
She hasn't.
God, how have I become so spineless?
Don't know, not interested.
We're off to the village hall.
Come with us.
Tom Fisher's defending
his building plans.
I predict a punch-up!
VILLAGERS CHATTING,
GAVEL BANGS
A country-house hotel will create jobs
and boost every local business -
farms, shops, services.
The extension is needed
for staff accommodation.
We'd rather keep our very old tree!
MURMURS OF AGREEANCE
Small sacrifices must be made, sadly.
Look, change is coming to our
village, whether we like it or not,
but I will manage it better
than most because I live here.
And everything I want is here.
Thank you.
CROWD MUTTERS DISAPPROVINGLY
Thank you, Tom. Stunning.
As chairman of your parish council
Here, here.
Thank you, Norma.
Get on with it, you creep.
Here, here.
Rest assured, we will be listening
to all views
before voting at the end of the week.
But you'd be a halfwit
to object to this development
or to cutting down a lump of wood.
We need a swimming pool!
Shut it, Mr Binns.
Put me down for a swimming pool.
Sorry,
Mr Fisher claims to be a resident,
but how long
has he actually lived here?
Longer than you.
True.
But I'm not trying to
quietly concrete over paradise
just to make a profit.
Yeah. We don't mind a hotel
or maybe losing a tree
we've all loved for centuries.
WOMAN: Yeah!
But it won't stop there, will it?
Of course it will.
You wanted to buy Bluff Court,
didn't you? Yes, I did.
And your plan was to knock it down
and sell it off for scrap.
And open the land for
It is a splendid manor house,
which you wanted to destroy
to make a profit!
So much for
"preserving the village", huh?
CROWD MURMURS
Charley, boy! I've missed ya.
Oh!
HE LAUGHS
That was a fun one. Ha
Oh, well, I've missed you.
How are you all?
How's Primrose?
I'm disappointed in you, Charley.
You're letting Tom stamp all over you.
MAN: Come on, then!
MAN: Right, you
I'll put one on you!
WHISTLE BLOWS
I'd advise you not to Oh!
Yeah! Take that.
All right, all right, all right!
Don't make me use my judo.
Just pack it up, pack it up.
Come on.
Leave him alone!
Get her off me!
Time's running out.
Either Mariette's off to France
or Tom will have her.
Oh, don't worry.
Yeah, I lost confidence for a while,
but now the dragon is stirred.
APPROVINGLY: Hmm.
Oh It seems they don't like us
OR the countryside.
So why have they come?
Because she is your beloved sister.
It's like they've only come to niggle.
And to show off the new car!
Have they got a new car?
They have.
MOCKING:
They've got a new 3.4L Jaguar.
Is it?
MOCKING: Is it a new 3.4L Jaguar?
THEY CHUCKLE
Yeah Well, they just have trouble
enjoying themselves.
A lot of folk do.
Mm
I want to love my own flesh and blood,
not run it over in its own car.
HE CHUCKLES
I'm sorry.
Hm?
You've got a village to preserve.
Yeah
I'm just not used to the likes of Tom.
You and me, we're canny, Ma,
but so's he.
And it seems like he's the future.
Well, there's nine on the committee.
Mm.
Looks like four for Tom
and four against.
Get the vicar and we've won!
Nobble the vicar.
CHUCKLING: Yeah.
Larkin! Get in that church.
Why? What's happening?
Eternal salvation's happening,
what else, you heathen lowlife?
Hm, I might give that a go.
Meanwhile,
which way will you be voting?
I'm waiting for a sign from God.
I doubt that.
Why? What are you offering?
You'd vote to damage the village?
Two sides of every coin.
And indeed, every banknote.
REVVING
Rural dean. I'm on a last warning.
And in at number ten, thou shalt not
covet thou neighbour's wife,
staff, ox or indeed ass,
so please don't do it.
Dean!
SOUND FROM TELEVISION
Fancy a walk at all?
We don't walk, really.
Except to the car.
And inside shops.
Modern man is built biologically
to sit.
Hence us not being on all fours.
Except on special occasions,
and hence us not having a tail,
which otherwise would get
in the way on the chair.
That is nonsense, Uncle Howard.
Why are you always telling us things
that are either wrong
or we know them already?
GROWLS
I expect she'll want to apologise
to us later.
It's true, Howard,
you do sometimes, erm
Well, you guess, really, don't you?
Well, he can't be THAT stupid,
or he couldn't have bought us
a new 3.4L Jaguar.
Oof!
Hoo!
All right
Oh, left a bit. Cowpat.
CHILDREN GIGGLE
Monty!
You can do it, Jemima.
What are you scared of?
Most things.
Why?
Don't be.
Just try jumping, you really want to.
Oh!
Oh!
We've got your vote, Mrs Fothergill,
and that's the main thing.
You will have to shout,
I'm on a horse.
SHOUTS: We've got your vote?
Oh, absolutely.
Mummy believes our ancient way of
life must be protected at all costs.
Wait, we're not saying that, actually.
Steady.
Steady.
Miss Chand,
always a deep joy to be near you.
Don't waste your moth-eaten charm
on me, I'm not voting your way.
Why not?
Any development will mean
an influx of people,
which will mean a bigger school,
so we can demolish the tired, old one.
Demolish the school?
It made me what I am today.
My point exactly.
No, you can't,
you got the memories, you see?
We did the nativity every year.
Using real shepherds, and Alec!
Come on, what are you getting
out of all this business, eh?
A nice hotel management job,
Tom's little reward, is it?
Oh, I think you're underestimating
Mr Fisher's ambitions.
You have no idea.
He's gonna pay off the vicar,
I'm gonna be right behind him.
What time's the planning break, Dad?
Four o'clock, why?
Beautiful, dangerous Mariette.
Mr big-shot developer.
I found out why my car broke down.
God telling me you're dodgy?
Your Victoria tinkered with it.
No!
Mm! She just admitted it.
Good mechanic, terrible liar.
Oh, sorry.
But you are controversial.
Mm. Tom Dracula here,
sucking the blood from the village.
Well, you'll just have to try harder
to prove we can trust you.
Good luck.
I'm off, anyhow.
No, you're not.
How's your French coming along?
Commey ci, commey ca.
This'll cheer you up.
Voila!
Manager of my new hotel.
The job's yours. You'd be brilliant.
You're ambitious.
Why d'you wanna be a lonely au pair
when you'd be here with me,
making a difference and having fun?
You pig!
HE SNIGGERS
What'd he offer you?
This is to restore my organ.
I bet it is.
Come on, Vic, don't be shy
because this is important,
I'll up his offer for your vote.
£100.
I'll do it in guineas.
How much is that in pounds?
A guinea's one pound and one shilling.
Call it 120 quid.
HUFFS
Right, you're on board,
no funny business.
Of course not.
Isn't there something in the Bible
about Jesus throwing the money men
out of the temple?
Don't worry about that.
That was a long time ago.
Jemima?
She's so weedy!
I'm not carrying her
across that stream again.
You have to understand,
we come from different backgrounds.
You wouldn't be so sure
of yourselves in the city.
Just need to show
a little bit of patience. And
JAGUAR ROARS
Just taking the new Jaguar
out for a spin.
I'm afraid we'd leave your old car
for dust.
Right. That's it.
That's it, Bertha.
I have heard enough crap
about your car.
We have a Rolls-Royce!
And do you hear us boasting about it?
CHILDREN GIGGLE
I'm not cross about your disrespect,
Florence
I'm just intrigued.
Oh, don't give me that toot.
I'll race you around the farm.
Ooh, ah, no, no,
I don't that's a very good idea
Oh, shut up, you.
If your car is so amazing,
then you'll romp home.
And I'll give you a head start.
If that's what you want.
Keys, Howard.
In the ignition, Bertha.
Right!
CHEERY WHISTLING
Working hard, son?
You look chipper, Dad.
That's because Tom Fisher
can't get enough votes
to get his building plans through.
What about that?
ENGINES ROAR What's going on?
Come on, keep up!
Stop that, you two, no! Grow up!
Is that the best you can do?
Go on, the wife!
MEEKLY: Hello.
I'm a Littlechurch resident
and I believe I'm entitled to see
all planning applications
filed with you?
How old are you?
I beg your pardon?
Right. Right, OK.
Ooh!
No!
Oh, oh, ow, ow!
Right.
OK. Oh, gosh.
Hoo!
SIGHS
HUMMING
SINGS: Oh, Mariette
REVVING, TYRES SCREECH
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
Oh Oh Ow! Argh! Argh!
CAR HORN
CHARLEY YELLS
Not like this!
No, no. Oh
Charley?
Obviously, I'd like you to keep
your change of heart
quiet until the vote.
Of course we will, we're not morons.
Now, to be fair, she is.
I've only reconsidered
because I've realised that change
is the lifeblood
of a vibrant community.
So it's not this?
Look, we are all human, I know I am.
OK, off you trot and vote.
This plan's for a housing estate.
Shops, major roads
In our little village!
And a massive roundabout!
No, that's a coffee mug ring.
Oh, yes
But these are just ideas, aren't they?
It won't actually happen?
I think it will
if it gets through phase one.
Mr Fisher seems very well connected
with our planners.
So he has to just get it through
Parish Council, then he can do this?
I must take these immediately
to show
No, you can't take them with you.
ENGINES ROAR,
TYRES SQUEAL
Oh, bless her. Oh!
TUTS
Ha-ha!
Don't look so worried, man.
I'm praying she doesn't crash.
Bertha'll be all right, she's cut
from the same tough old tree as Ma.
That's why they give the odd bark!
POP CHUCKLES
The car's not actually paid for.
Phil, come and watch the big pitch,
come on.
Here they come!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
BRAKES SCREECH,
CHURNS CLATTER
All right, Ma?
Right, couple of lessons from this.
Later, Howard.
It's only a stupid car.
Hey, Howard, come here.
Come on.
Well done, Bertha.
And I'm sorry
we haven't been getting on.
Me too.
What's wrong with us?
I know we're different, but
We're jealous, me and Howard.
Of what?
You. This. Everything.
Oh, but you love your life.
Yes, but
..you lot are so happy.
And your kids
are what children should be like.
Oh, God forbid that's true!
Jemima's a bundle of nerves.
I wanted to bring her here
so your kids' confidence
could rub off on her.
Oh, Bertha.
Pop and I worry about ours
just like you do.
Whether you're ten like Jemima
or 20 like Mariette,
we'll still worry about them
when they're 50, God willing.
I know.
We want our kids to be strong
and independent,
but we want them to need us too.
I've been on edge lately.
And there's a reason why.
Mariette leaving?
No, it's
Here you go, girls.
Hey, now, look, all mended now?
Yes.
Yeah, good, good.
Amazing what racing round a farm
like a couple of goons can do.
Am I going loopy, or did I see
Charley in the wood with a
Indiany musical instrument?
Yeah, interesting fact about India
Ah Oh Sorry
That's boring.
Oh!
What have I done?
Where's Jemima?
Don't worry about Jemima.
Our lot'll look after her,
won't they, Ma?
Course.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers!
All right.
Let's leave her to it.
Yeah, there's no chance
she'll make it.
It took me years of falling in.
Argh!
Ooh! Hello, Tom.
You look like you think
you're gonna lose the vote.
Yeah, well, it was always gonna
be difficult taking on passionate
and persuasive locals like you.
Yeah, well,
we'll find out later, won't we?
Yeah. Anyway, I'm here to do my bit
to stop Mariette
skipping off to France.
Oh, so you won't get a shred of
pleasure out of her staying, then?
Listen, I never get involved
in my kids' lives,
I really, really, don't,
my mum and dad, Lord love 'em,
they let me learn by my mistakes,
and I made some big-uns,
including trying to cut me own hair
with a lawn mower.
Ha Look
Getting the development approved
could help Mariette stay.
You really wanna throw her out
because of a Lazy Susan?
Spreading Linda, Tom.
Yeah, I can see it in your eyes.
You're a townie, son.
You've come here to build a town.
Here's a piece of advice.
Take a flask and a pie
and climb high up into that tree,
and then just look down at
the unspoilt glories beneath you.
And just sit there, Tom.
And enjoy them.
Where do you think your six children
are gonna live when they grow up?
In magic houses built in Neverland?
There are plenty of folk
who prefer towns, Tom.
My in-laws, for instance,
they get queasy
at the sight of grass, you know?
Look, let's have London,
let's have New York,
but let's not have
10,000 ugly dormitories
on our beautiful countryside.
Eh? So
No hard feelings
when all this is over?
Goodness, no.
Good, good, yeah.
Well, as for Mariette,
she's, er, gone off for the day.
Oh.
Hm.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Have a good day, Tom.
Yeah. You too.
I wonder who you've nobbled,
you wily toe-rag.
We knew you could do it, Jemima.
See, Jem, you'd've seen them cows
and run off screaming.
That's no cow!
What is it?
Don't worry, it's just a male cow.
So it's a bull?
Run!
Run, run, run!
Faster!
Oh, quick!
Argh!
THEY ALL SIGH
LAUGHTER
Has that ever happened before?
Yeah. Most weeks.
Welcome to this special meeting
of the Parish Planning Committee.
Over the last few days,
we've listened to local opinion
on this major decision. Hear, hear.
Can we not do the hear sodding hears?
So we can go straight to a vote
on approving this exciting project
with all its heart-stopping benefits.
DOOR CLATTERS
Stop the proceedings!
BREATHLESSLY: I'm sorry,
I've just run from the pick-up.
I need to bring up an important issue.
Overruled.
Right, those in favour
I support Mr Larkin on this issue.
What is the issue?
Er, we need to delay the vote.
Because, erm, I don't wanna use
the word "bribery", but
There's nothing wrong with gifts.
That's how local government works.
Larkin is aware of that,
live by the sword,
the skill is being
on the winning team.
The skill is living a good life in a
place you wanna love and look after.
And that's exactly
what we're voting on now.
Those in favour of Mr Fisher's
development of Bluff Court
and grounds
I don't feel very well!
THUDS
GASPS
Those in favour? No, no,
she's fainted. Stop the vote!
It's a rouse, we're carrying on.
Those in favour
DOOR CLATTERS
Oh! How many more of them
are out there?
I stole them
from the District Council,
so I'll probably go to prison.
I told you Tom wouldn't stop there.
He's a disgrace!
I'll rip his pips off!
Easy, General.
The road slices through our garden.
Less weeding
I'm being humorous.
And a bloody great roundabout
around my church. Atheist scum!
No, that's a coffee mug ring.
Oh, rightio. Thank you.
Well, I'm voting against now.
No!
Me too. What was I thinking?
Forgive me, Vicar, for I have sinned.
Why are you telling ME?
I agree.
I can't vote for this.
Norma! Have you lost your mind?
Oh, Alec, it's going wrong, innit?
Good, vote rejected.
BANGS GAVEL
Primrose, you're an angel.
Oh, come on,
we can do better than that.
Come on!
POP CHUCKLES
I don't think the countryside's
only animals and muck,
and we have a lovely library
and, ooh, next time,
I'll show you the Roman Museum
in Canterbury.
No, thanks.
You can't leave
now that we've remembered
how to talk to one another.
Oh, don't worry, we'll be back.
But you must visit us in Bromley.
That fabulous new shopping centre
I talked about.
With a real foun-tain!
Oh, I'm afraid we're gonna be too
busy with the farming jobs, dammit.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, what about November?
No, no November
November's the, erm
All the leaves, Ma,
you know, the leaves. Yeah.
Pop and I just don't wanna come
to Bromley.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Well, we ARE quite different,
aren't we?
CHUCKLING: We are.
Let's celebrate that.
CAR STARTS
Hear that? Velvety.
So, Pop, I don't know
what your poison is route-wise,
but we are going A20,
cutting through Sidcup,
depending on the traffic flow,
of course.
And then, we're
Is the handbrake off?
No
They're backing away.
Drive on, Howard!
REVVING
Kids, promise me you will never
fall out or grow apart.
We hate each other already.
I'm gonna live in the lighthouse!
I need my own bedroom.
Zinnia stinks.
Well, it was a nice idea, wasn't it?
THEY ALL CHUCKLE
So, you've been caught
trying to pull a massive fast one.
Yeah, it's called enterprise.
Your little village
just wasn't ready for me.
No, it was you
who wasn't ready for us.
Your horizons are wider, Mariette.
You know you wanna be with me.
Yeah, but I'd always be competing
for your love, wouldn't I?
Who with?
Yourself.
You could learn from Charley,
you know?
Oh, well,
you are talking like a mad woman.
I'd learn more
from that horse's backside.
Oh, yeah? Who's been humiliated
today, him or you?
You're never gonna leave here.
Give us a kiss.
It's the only bit of excitement
you're gonna get around here.
Shut your eyes, you rude man.
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS There you go, go on.
Get in!
Lovely jubbly!
CHEERING
I don't believe it!
You've set that up quite nicely
for me, Pop.
Go on, Ma. Go on, go on.
THEY CHUCKLE
Cheers, Ma.
Ah, cheers, darling.
KNOCK ON DOOR
He's back!
Hello, Charley!
Was that you earlier near the woods?
Ooh, erm
Yeah, that might have been me.
Can I speak to Mariette, please?
SHOUTS: Mariette, sweetheart?
Charley wants to speak to you!
Oh, sorry.
Sorry about the spittle.
We all still miss ya.
Yeah, come back and stay with us.
Please, I need to speak to Mariette.
She is the gatekeeper to my soul
and my future.
Oh, why don't you talk to me
like that?
Yeah, it's time I told her
how I really feel.
I think she's left!
What's that?
Her suitcase and passport are gone!