The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e01 Episode Script

The Garden Weasel (a.k.a. What Have You Done For Me Lately?)

You folks see that flashing sign up there? Now, that sign says "applesauce.
" No, no, I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
Now, remember.
You're all a big part of the show, so the better you are, the better Larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign and it says, "We're on in ten seconds.
" So get ready to have a good time.
All right, here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? In five, four, three, two Live on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight join Larry and his guests Harrison Ford ShirleyJones, Jody Watley and me hey now Hank Kingsley.
And now, because only he brings out the natural luster of the wood Larry Sanders! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming to the show tonight.
You are already so much better than last night's audience who came in here and looted the place.
I wanna thank them for returning the couch and Hank.
So how many of you saw Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall when he played the sax? Well, good to know you're watching my competition.
Actually, I'm a little frustrated because we had Jerry Brown on this show.
He didn't actually play a number with the band but he did score them some great coke.
Sonny Bono did not get elected to a senate seat here in California.
That's when you know you live in California when you look on the ballot and Sonny Bono is running for a senate seat.
I was really leaning towards voting for the Captain of Captain and Tennille because evidently, he at least has some military experience.
Ted Kennedy got married this last weekend and boy, he's gonna be in for a surprise when he sobers up, huh? The only reason that Did you like that joke, Hank? - I liked it very much.
- Well, you're mistaken.
The only reason I'm not running for president this year I swear to God, is I am afraid no woman would come forward to say she had sex with me.
I swear, I feel I would be doing one of those CNN interviews Iooking into the camera going, "Come on, Suzie.
You know you did it with me.
Say something.
" We have a wonderful show.
Harrison Ford, ShirleyJones, Jody Watley.
Don't flip around.
We'll be right back.
- That was a very funny show.
- I thought so too.
I didn't know Harrison Ford did impressions.
His Carol Channing was terrific.
It was.
You know, Patriot Games should have been a musical.
He could have played all the parts.
Oh, Paula, I thought ShirleyJones was gonna tell the story about Marty Ingels at K-Mart.
So did I.
Perhaps she was nervous and forgot.
It doesn't matter.
The woman's a babe.
- For God's sake.
- Remember in the Partridge Family? You could see her thigh between that short skirt and the boots? - I still see it.
- I hope no one heard that.
- Good show tonight.
- Like you saw it.
- I watched it in your office.
- Really? What was your favorite part? - The monologue.
- There's a monologue in every show.
I really watched it tonight.
They're in the conference room and they're ready whenever you are.
Thank you, Beverly.
Network meeting.
Come on.
- No.
No! - Come on.
Come on.
It's the network! It doesn't matter how many times you say it.
I'm still gonna say no.
- Who's gonna be there? - Some of our pals.
The president of the network, sensational Shel new vice president of programming, Melanie Parish.
Fuck me.
I can't go.
I'm not just saying this, Artie.
I got a pain.
You just go home.
I'll come over later and stick a red hot poker up your ass.
- We'll call it even.
- Okay.
You have my address, right? - And your poker size.
- Okay.
- Sheldon, how are you? - Fine, Arthur.
Hello, Larry.
Hi, Shel.
A network president shouldn't be allowed to say Hello, Larry.
You crazy bastard, you ever get that gazebo repainted? We had this little barbecue at Shel's, just us and the wives and this jackass goes wild with the lighter fluid and - Sheldon, please get this started.
- Right.
Arthur, Larry, you know Melanie Parish.
- Oh, sure.
- Well, she's out here now.
She's in charge of late night programming.
Gentlemen, I'll be brief.
We all know what the economic climate of network television is like out there right now.
We're getting kicked in the balls.
There's video markets.
There's cable.
It's trench warfare.
So, our number one problem, math-wise Iost viewers equals lost advertisers equals lost revenues.
What do we do to keep our advertisers happy other than giving them free hand jobs? We've talked to some of your sponsors.
We've asked what we can do for them.
It's come back to us this way: They want you to do live commercials as part of the show.
- They want it, that means we want it.
- You can see how this would help us.
Well, you know, knowing the sponsors the way I do I just think they would respond more to the hand jobs.
But you're asking me, actually, to do live commercials? - You have a problem with that? - No, I just, uh My only concern would be the style of the show we've established over the years.
I'm not sure that live commercials actually would mesh with that style.
You don't want to do it? No, I didn't say that.
Artie? Melanie, I'd like to jump in, if I might.
Oh, that's a lovely thing you have at your neck, by the way.
I think that what Larry's trying to say is that we have no real problem with the live commercial concept.
Absolutely not.
It's just a matter of finding the right man for this job.
Now, I don't know if you know but Hank Kingsley does a hell of a lot of fine commercial work.
He does the adjustable bed.
He does the medical alert necklace.
Excuse me.
Melanie, if I may.
The thing is, Hank does too much commercial work.
He's way overexposed.
His saturation level is very high.
- I don't think that's true.
- He's doing the Green Giant spots.
Is that Hank? You can't really tell because you only see him from the knees down.
I didn't know that.
Hank's the fucking Green Giant? We love Hank, but he is a little overexposed.
He certainly hasn't got the cache of a Larry Sanders.
Look, you guys know I'll do anything that I can.
- Look, I'm gonna have to be blunt here.
- Is that right? In a fiscal sense, your show just isn't cutting it.
I think you should take a serious interest in that fact and do whatever you can to reverse it.
Because Well, I'm warning you.
Our parent company cannot and will not carry your show in deficit.
And that comes directly from Unidac Electronics.
Gee, I didn't know we were still owned by the garage-door opener people.
That's just one of many products they're known for.
And yes, Mr.
Sanders, they do still own you.
They're a couple payments short, but that's another discussion.
- What would the commercial be for? - The Garden Weasel.
That is no way to talk about Miss Parish.
I just don't feel right about this.
There are no other talk show hosts who do their own commercials.
Honey, it's no big deal.
It's just a commercial.
You're funny.
You'll make it funny.
It's a garden widget.
- It's a - The name alone is funny.
Garden Weasel, honey.
It's the Garden Weasel.
- Even funnier.
- The Garden Weasel.
Weasel's funnier.
I'm sure that bitch Melanie's laughing her ass off.
- She's not that bad.
- She isn't that bad? Artie said when we got out of the meeting "I swear I killed that woman in Korea.
" - The fucking dog's at it again.
- Yeah, he's always at it.
Would you act like a dog, for God's sakes? - Oh, honey.
- Let me show you this.
- He thinks he's doing good.
- I've never shown you this before.
Honey, it's not your Make Me Laugh audition tape, is it? No, but if you want to see that again, just You sure? Okay.
Don't look directly at the set, honey.
This is a commercial I did in 1979.
From the Pan Am files.
I was halfway to Fort Worth, when all of a sudden it hit me I'd left my briefcase back at the terminal atJFK.
Well, I thought I was sunk.
But then I told the stewardess, and she told the captain, and Well, let me put it this way.
My briefcase got to Fort Worth before I did.
Can I get you anything else? No thanks.
You've already done more than enough.
The art of flying.
Honey, look.
If you don't want to do the Weasel thing, just I'm not in the mood for sex talk, honey.
If you don't want to do the commercial, just tell them.
- It's not like they can force you.
- I'm not in a position to say no.
They'll think I'm an asshole.
They'll think I'm not a team player.
Before you know it, I won't be able to get repairs made in the studio.
I won't be able to get guests I want.
Hank and I will be sharing an office.
I'm a day away from just being the funny weather man in Tuscon.
"Oh, but on this good side, it's dry heat.
" Paula says Robert Hays is booked on the show tonight but he fell in the shower and he's seeing shapes and colors and stuff.
I won't ask him anything tough.
Melanie Parish, she's called four times.
She'd like to know if you're gonna be doing that Garden Weasel spot.
Tell Melanie that I will do the spots with great delight.
I will tell Melanie you will do the Garden Weasel.
- With great delight.
- With great delight.
Excuse me, Larry.
Hank would like to speak with you.
And you're clearing the way because Hank won't come in here on his own? Did you, by any chance, feel an earthquake - about 20 minutes ago? - I did not feel an earthquake.
- Okay, but I think today is the day.
- You say that every day.
Tell Hank to come in.
Larry, Darlene said you wanted to see me.
What's on your mind, for God's sakes? - Permission to speak freely? - Permission granted.
Well, I just heard through the grapevine that we're thinking of doing a live commercial on the show tonight.
I was wondering I was concerned why, you know, I was not consulted.
I understand how you feel.
The thing is, it's a commercial for the Garden Weasel.
- That's right.
- I know the Garden Weasel.
I use the Garden Weasel.
And I have a good relationship with the Garden Weasel people.
They're good people.
Well, Hank, I want you to know I told them I wanted you to do the spots.
And they said? I don't remember what they said.
That one Green Giant spot has really been a monkey on my back.
I'll tell you one thing: If they ever ask you to put on a pair of green tights no matter how much they offer you, you just walk away.
- Walk away.
- I'll remember that.
Are you sure you're feeling up to this, Mr.
Hays? - I'm fine.
- We can always reschedule you.
I'm fine.
Oh, my God! Are you okay? Do you want me to call a doctor? Mommy? Mommy, why can't I ride the dog? I had you going, didn't I? I had you going.
- That's really funny, Robert.
- Well, I was in Airplane 2.
- Okay? - Yeah.
What is it? Look who's here.
Don't look.
I think she saw you look.
- I swear I killed her in the war.
- You used that line yesterday.
It's not a line.
It's a real concern.
Could we just walk? I don't want her to see me.
I don't feel right about doing this commercial.
You don't want to do it? Just say the word.
I'll take care of it.
I'll take a shot at it.
It's just that I don't even own a Garden Weasel.
Never used one.
It's a little unethical, don't you think? Unethical? Geez, Larry, don't start pulling at that thread.
Our whole world will unravel.
Thanks for the upbeat thought before the monologue.
- What do you got here? - Larry Sanders! How are you feeling? Didn't you, by the way, fall? I know you were almost gonna cancel tonight.
You fell in the shower? Is that it? This is how I see it.
I think as I was stepping out I was standing there, dripping wet, stark naked.
If you men could please just settle down.
Geez! Well, I'll end up I'll send Hank out there dripping wet.
Yeah, you know not what you applaud for.
Okay, so now you're standing naked, dripping wet in the bathroom.
And l I dropped the towel.
I bent over to pick it up, and I saw the reflection in the mirror.
It kind of shocked me.
I stood up, slipped, and I didn't know what that was.
I was Well, maybe you caught the reflection in that magnifying makeup mirror.
Didn't you get those little flower applique things I sent you? I sent you a whole pack that you're supposed to stick on.
I stick them to the bottom of my feet so you don't slide anywhere.
You go into a public shower What? Commercial? We have to take a commercial.
Do we? So what else? Anything else we need to know? Oh, gee, by the sound of that piano I guess we really do have to take a commercial break.
Bob, thanks for being here.
We'll talk some more.
Stand by.
I just have to take a quick break here.
I want to welcome a new sponsor to The Larry Sanders Show.
If you'll come this way.
I'd like to, uh welcome you to the world of the Garden Weasel.
You know, if you've got a green thumb And by the way, if you do I know a specialist you'll really marvel at how simple a tool this is.
It can really save you hours of backbreaking work.
Let's see.
I'm about I'll try a five Weasel.
No more weeding on your hands and knees.
You just gently glide your Weasel.
And by the way, it's been years since I've said that.
You just glide the Weasel in between your, let's say, plants.
"Look, Ma, I'm making valuable mulch.
" Hello, Mr.
I hitJimmy Hoffa.
And the blades are removable for easy cleaning.
A few glitches, but overall a terrific show.
- Very funny.
- Oh, Miss Parish.
- We need to talk.
- Sure.
I thought the commercial went great.
I managed to say mulch and What you did out there just now was in no way, shape or form remotely like an acceptable commercial spot.
What we're trying to do here, Mr.
Sanders Larry is please the sponsors, not antagonize them.
I feel quite certain our client didn't expect to hear the name of a dead Teamster used as a selling point.
I must tell you Artie? Miss Parish, let me clarify something for you.
Rumor has it this is a very funny guy.
When you ask Larry Sanders to do a commercial, you get Larry Sanders.
I mean, the commercial was funny.
I think it worked.
Your sponsors should be delighted.
Well, I really don't have time for any of this anyway.
Just say the copy as written.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
- You know the truly frightening thing? - What? I'm really turned on right now.
- Do you think you can deprogram him? - Well, it's not really deprogramming.
It's behavior modification through positive reinforcement and treats.
I understand that.
I used to be single.
But, uh, please What behavior do you want me to correct? All of it.
By the way, I bought a Garden Weasel this morning, and I love it.
- Did you see the commercial? - It was very funny.
Wasn't that funny? You see, honey, that's two of us.
You tell that Korean woman that she's wrong.
She is not Korean.
Everybody thinks she's Korean.
All I'm saying is that the commercial worked.
Do you use a Garden Weasel? Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
My God, a somersault! Where did you get this dog? Well, we had a trainer on my show.
He had a wonderful dog act, and then I fell in love with the dog.
- Bill was getting ready to retire.
- Bill Acres? Yeah, I think that was it.
Bill Acres, yeah.
I'm sorry, but no.
This is a superbly trained animal.
I can't touch him.
That would be like painting over a Picasso.
I'm sorry.
I have to leave.
Good-bye, Mr.
And Mrs.
And the patented tilling action digs deep into the soil and aerates all the way down to the roots.
You know, here's something I don't understand.
Aren't they rodents? Why would you name something after a rodent? I mean, think about it.
It's not a nice thing.
Why not just call it the Amazing Rat Stick? - The Amazing Rat Stick? - Too far? Should I have said the Fabulous Vermin Instrument? I'm doing the best I can.
Other than that, I stuck to the copy.
Do you want me to fuck with your budget? Is that what you want me to do? - Where's Arthur? - I don't know.
I am talking to you! - Mr.
Sanders! - Artie? Not here, Miss Parish.
Boy, you know, don't ever come on to my set and talk to me like that in front of my people again.
I pay your people, my friend, and I pay you.
I can talk to you any damn way I see fit! What is your problem, exactly? I don't think this is about the commercial.
I don't think you like me.
I don't think you like my show.
It's not my favorite, but let's talk about problems.
What's your problem? I think it bugs you to take orders from a woman.
If you were a guy, I'd take you outside right now.
- If you were a guy, I'd go.
- As a rule, I don't hit women.
But this rule doesn't apply.
You don't have any problems with women.
How many times have you been married? How many times have you slept with Sheldon? - Easy, easy.
- That's a beauty.
I know.
I was tying my shoes this morning I walked into the door, bumped my head.
- Whatever.
- No, that's what really happened.
- All right, a woman hit me.
- Melanie.
- How'd you know that? - Well, everyone in the loop knows.
- You're kidding? - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Hank.
- Whoa, what a shiner! - What happened to you? - Melanie Parish hit me.
No, really.
Softball? Doorknob? - Doorknob.
- Oh.
Can I ask you something about these commercials? I don't know what the heck I'm doing out there.
I need a little advice.
You've done, like, 20,000 of these things.
- Tell me something.
- Well, everybody thinks it's easy.
It isn't.
It's an art.
Okay, well, look.
Now, if you don't believe in your product you gotta substitute something you do believe in.
For instance, when I'm out there pitching the pearl cream that keeps you looking young Right, right.
I've seen that.
- Do you know what I'm thinking? - You're not thinking about the cream? - No, sir, I'm not.
- What are you thinking about? America.
Everything she stands for.
You know, the joy of growing your own fruits, vegetables and flowers can turn into heartache and backache all because of weeding.
There's a way to weed that's - Hank? - Yes, sir? Come on over here a minute.
You know if you're gonna talk Garden Weasel, you gotta go right to the main weasel.
You use one of these in your garden at home, don't you? Yes, indeed, I do.
Why don't you tell us about it.
- Really? - Yeah, come on.
All right.
Well, um, friends You say you love those fresh flowers and veggies but you're tired of the aches and pains that come with weeding? Well, I'm here to tell you your weeding days are over.
Can I hear you say, "Hey now"? Hey now! Pretty good.
But can I hear you say, "Hey now"? You see, friends, I have here in my hands Well, it's a miracle of gardening engineering.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to the Garden Weasel.
Hello, Garden Weasel! Now, this Garden Weasel This Garden Weasel does the work of ten men and a boy.
How many boys, Hank? One small boy.
Now, it digs, it digs, it digs deep down and turns them nasty weeds into valuable mulch.
Your knees will thank you your flowers will thank you and your veggies will thank you.
So, for the Garden Weasel this is Farmer Kingsley and Farmer Sanders.
Saying You all come back now, you hear? There you go, Shel.
Television at its finest, huh? It works, Larry.
Well, I'll tell ya, Hank's a master at these things.
He is! This is the way I think these commercials should be done.
This is why the Garden Weasel people want you to do more of you and Hank together.
The two of you, as a team, you're fabulous.
Look, Shel, there's something I want to say about doing the commercials with Hank, and I want - What Larry's gonna say is - No, no, Artie.
What I'm gonna say is no.
I can't do these commercials.
This has gone on long enough.
I'm not comfortable doing these.
By the way, unless we're all fucking blind, I stink at doing them.
And if Unidac Electronics has a little problem with this they can screw a lightbulb up my ass and use me as a desk lamp.
- Any thoughts? - No, but I'd like to I'm not sure anyone wants to hear what you gotta say, young lady.
Don't take this as a threat, but I killed a man like you in Korea hand to hand.
My boy doesn't want to do any more commercials.
From now on, you'll talk to me.
Understood, my friend, Shel? - I'll be in the car, Sheldon.
- There's no problem, Larry.
- You sure? - Sure.
Don't worry about anything.
Sheldon, if you really want to try this once or twice, no problem.
- Really? - Artie?