The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e03 Episode Script

Larry will be out in one minute.
You folks see that flashing sign up there? Now, that sign says "applesauce.
" No, no, no, I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
Now, remember.
' You're all a big part of the show so the better you are, the better Larry is.
Okay, you see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign.
It says, "We're on in ten seconds," so get ready to have a good time.
All right, here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? In five, four, three, two Live, on tape from Hollywood, the Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight, join Larry and his guests, Jon Lovitz Lyle Lovett, Steve Duchesne and me, "Hey, Now" Hank Kingsley.
And now, because we've tried it with just the desk and it really isn't the same Larry Sanders! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Welcome, welcome.
Thanks again for tuning in tonight.
You are a great crowd.
Was it hot enough here in Los Angeles for you? It was about I live in the Valley.
It was about 110.
I don't know.
My dog ran by and burst into flames and rolled to put himself out 'cause he read the pamphlets they pass out to dogs.
A new government study announced today I don't know if you saw it that a vasectomy, which, by the way, I have never gotten because who wants to be in a cast for six weeks? And then, you know, everybody wants to sign it.
It's embarrassing.
A vasectomy is supposed to lower your risk of actually transmitting sexual diseases.
The next option is a bad haircut.
Also, yesterday, Christie's, the auction house in New York, auctioned off this is absolutely true a 150-year-old condom and it was bought by a man who paid $6,300 but was still so embarrassed he also bought an $8,000 toothpaste tube and $5,000 pack of razor blades.
We haveJon Lovitz, Lyle Lovett and Steve Duchesne.
Don't flip around.
We'll be right back.
Do not flip around.
You're well-padded, so I think it'll be all right.
I am exceptionally well-padded and insured.
So, let's get down to this.
I'm a big hockey fan, and this is kind of - Want me to help you? - Yet I've never ever played hockey.
Now, you wouldn't know that to look at me, though.
I grew up in Okay, here we go.
- Would you like to help me with that? - Watch your head.
Now thank you.
This is actually the same outfit you wear to drive in L.
A.
Put your glove out.
There you go, just like that.
All right? No, you're puttin' me on.
There you go.
The audience loved it.
Just great.
Props.
I'll take the cup off by myself.
- About tomorrow's show - Yeah? Carol Burnett called.
Her writers have come up with a cunning little sketch for you two.
Great.
I always wanted to do a sketch with Carol Burnett.
- And a sketch you will do.
- Good.
That's great.
- Need some help there? - No, I got it.
And we've scheduled the bug man.
What kind of bugs is he bringing? - He's only bringing two spiders.
- What? - Two spiders.
- Spiders? He calls it "the tarantula arm races.
" He takes a dead fly, puts it on your head, comme ca then he puts spiders on each arm.
Yeah? Sit very still while the spiders race up to your head.
- Give it to me again.
- A dead fly - on head, comme ca.
- Yeah? - Sit very still.
- Uh-huh? Spiders, race, arms, head.
- One more time.
- Dead fly, comme ca, spiders I'm not so sure about this.
- Come on.
- What? Two minutes ago, you were willing to take a puck to the nuts.
Now you're crying over a couple of bugs.
- I'm not crying over it.
- You don't wanna do it.
- I didn't say that.
- Come on.
Come on, Larry.
This is a show biz tradition.
Gigantic fuzzy insects crawling on your body, lions crapping in your lap.
It's great television.
You'll be hilarious doing this.
- I'll think about it.
- Huge laughs.
- I gotta go.
- Huge laughs.
- I gotta go.
- Huge, rolling-in-the-aisle laughs.
- All right, I'll do it.
- Good.
Get outta here, you big, successful talk show host.
Where you going, Larry? Will you stop with the spiders already? Do you think they're gonna go on your show and crawl up your arm then bite your eyes so you go blind? Then they're gonna crawl on you and lay eggs, right? Hatch build like this big Santa Fe style Spanish adobe house there.
Then you'll be jealous because you can't live there, right? Then you'll probably wanna go to therapy and talk about it for a year about why he can't move into his own head.
By the time you figure it out, those spiders'll have eaten your brain out and there'll be nothing left and what's the point? - You want another espresso? - No, please.
You don't relate to the spider thing because you've never had anything big and hairy crawling all over you, have you? The night is young.
Ow! Thanks for dinner.
I'll pay for it next time.
- Funny.
- Listen, all kidding aside don't worry about those tarantulas, all right? They're just the deadliest spider known to man.
- Oh, you're such a jerk.
- Yeah, I'm jerking my way to the bank.
Watch your step.
I mean careerwise.
That was fun.
Honey, I didn't get a word in edgewise all night.
All I said was, "No more coffee.
" Yeah, why did you just interrupt us like that? We were right in the middle of a big roll.
Honey, you know, this is really not my idea of a fun time having a comedy club in my own home.
Are you saying that 'cause you watered down the drinks? - Funny, honey.
- That's what Come on, we gotta go see Lovitz on the show.
Honey, I don't want to watch Lovitz on the show.
Geez, I hope one of those spiders bites you tomorrow night.
Now you're hurting me.
Why are you hurting me? You know that I'm afraid of spiders.
Yeah, then why are you doing this stupid spider stunt on your show? I'll tell you why.
Because you guys will do anything for a laugh.
- That is not true.
- Yes, it is.
Then why are you doing it? Because it'll be funny.
You are so amazingly impossible.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I get When I get frightened, I babble.
Sorry.
You don't have to do this.
If you don't want to do it, it's your show, you don't have to.
It's more than just my show.
I should do it for myself.
- It's pretty silly.
- Okay, all right.
Let me get this straight.
You're willing to confront your fears if it's in front of 20 million people - and for a laugh? - Okay.
So, can we start a family if I have the baby at the Greek Theater? Huh? - It's a sock.
- But in the shape of a spider, honey.
You have rehearsal with Carol Burnett in five minutes.
I have the proofs to the new publicity shots.
- Wanna look at 'em now or later? - No, later.
Well, I'll look at them now.
You know what? Later.
Okay.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Are you afraid of anything? Intimacy.
Anything more you wanna tell me? Okay, thanks, you've been a big help.
- I'm also deathly afraid of flying.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Now how do you overcome it? - Tranquilizers.
- You're kidding.
You have any? You have a rehearsal with Carol in three minutes.
Now come on.
What What were they? Xanaxes? Valiums? Halcyons? You two minutes with Carol.
Were they Ludes? Soapers? - What were they? - Now you got one.
Were they reds? Everybody, once more from the top.
Let's start with Larry's entrance.
And Shit.
Me Tarzan, you Jane.
That's Ms.
Jane to you.
- It's your line, Larry.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
- You okay? Here.
- Where? Yeah, I'm okay.
Just have some other things on my mind.
Okay.
- You wanna go back? - No, let's go.
Can I have the coconut? Let's go where we were.
"Would you like some coconut juice?" Let's see how that would sound in character.
Mmm, would you like some coco Ooh, pubic hair on my coconut.
That's it.
Sexual harassment.
Where is my lawyer? Nairobi and Meyers.
On behalf of my client we are filing charges of sexual misconduct against you.
This is a restraining order.
You shall not come within 500 yards of my client.
I don't know where we are.
Are we doing this sketch before the spiders or after them? - I don't know.
- Oh, God, I just saw them backstage.
The spiders they're huge.
They look like big, hairy potatoes with legs in 'em.
I'm gonna have dreams.
Excuse me one second, huh? - Arty.
- Hilarious so far.
Carol said that the spiders are the size of fucking potatoes.
I'm sure Carol never used the word "fucking.
" I'm no good at slapstick comedy to begin with.
You're brilliant.
Did you hear me laughing? No, I did not hear you laughing and I'm so concerned about these spiders I can't even concentrate.
- I'm all over the place.
- I can understand that.
My kids always loved rolly-coasters, but I'd never get on one.
- They're roller coasters.
- Call it what you like.
I'd never get on the damn thing.
God, this guy is all over the place.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
His timing's a mess.
- He was all over the place.
- All over the place.
That voice, did you hear that Tarzan voice? What was that? I think he's trying out a new Lebanese thing.
You want out of this? You want to get out of this? They'll give a talk show to anybody these days.
Roller coasters.
- Merry-go-round.
Rolly-coaster.
- Ro You know, talking to you is like talking to you.
I can't go on with this spider thing, Arty.
Listen, consider it canceled.
- There must be something else we can do.
- Then something else we shall do.
- Hank, me boy, how goes it? - Hey.
Let me guess.
This is Quick Light Briquets, is it? Yes, it is.
The fastest light in the West.
Fire 'em up, partner.
- Hank, let me bounce something off you.
- Bounce away.
How would you like to do the spider stunt tonight? Are you kidding? Stunts are Larry's territory.
Hank Kingsley shalt not trespass.
There's no problem.
Larry himself wants you to handle this stunt.
- He said this? - Just moments ago.
- Could you - Thank you, Kelly.
This isn't happening because Larry knows I'm unhappy, is it? You're unhappy? Oh, no, not at all.
I'm always looking for opportunities to showcase my versatility.
Not that I've made a stink about it, because I am not a squeaky wheel, you know that.
It has nothing to do with you, Hank.
Larry's decision was motivated purely by other factors.
I hear ya, I hear ya.
I am very happy to do this.
I'm very happy to do this.
Good.
Hey, you're pleased, I'm pleased.
Larry will be very pleased.
- Thanks, pal.
- Thank you.
The hat? - Carol wants to cancel the sketch.
- Why? - Because she thinks it sucks.
- She's right.
Cancel it.
Okay.
Between you and me, I'm relieved.
I looked like an idiot in that loincloth.
Between you and me, I think I saw your balls at one point.
That's the only laugh I got, I think.
I'm not good at that broad physical comedy at all.
- You're great.
- No, I'm not.
Carol, she's good.
She's a pro.
Did you really see my balls? - Hank would like to speak with you.
- For God's sakes, come in.
I'm sorry.
If you and Darlene are talking, I can always come back.
I am not talking to her.
Come in.
- Darlene.
- Tell him why you were here.
I don't remember.
- What can I do for you? - Well, I just wanted to stop by and What is this? That's my cup from the hockey segment.
I just wanted to stop by and thank you for your trust and your confidence in giving a pal his moment in the sun.
- I'm not gonna let you down.
- Hank, you shouldn't be thanking me.
No, I have got to thank you.
It comes from here my heart.
- In all honesty - Honesty? Honesty? Hey, that's what I'm about.
The reason that I want you to do this instead of me is because I'm afraid of you not getting to do enough on the show and you not getting to express your unique creativity and flair.
A little uncomfortable right now, but My God you're a good man.
Come on.
Hank, please.
Hank, please.
Could you take your top off? I'm begging you.
Could you? - She wants both of us.
- Tremendous.
- Hey, now.
- Hey, now.
Listen I thought I should tell you guys I'm doing the spider thing tonight.
Anyway, I know we got a show in about an hour but if you've written some, you know, some funny stuff for Larry with the spiders well, maybe you could put a different crank on it.
You know, make it more my style.
Yeah, we'll get right on that.
- Commissary? - What's the soup today? Pink chowder.
Well, what we would do is, we would take your hand - and we'd roll up your sleeve - Right.
And we'd place him on your arm.
- And the trick is - There's no trick.
Just try to hold your arm still and not make any sudden movements.
Okay.
Now, I won't get bitten? I carry a spider anti-venom kit on my person at all times.
Where is that? - I didn't bring it with me today.
- Now, that's not a No, it's Don't worry.
- Okay? - What is it? It's a burn.
I burned myself on the iron.
- I'm not gonna get bitten? - Absolutely not but if you should get bitten, it'll only hurt for a second unless you're allergic to spider bites.
Okay, so, how would I know if I were allergic? Well, you'd go to a doctor and have yourself checked.
And if I, you know, if I were allergic, let's say, what I mean, what could happen? Oh, my.
So was I wrong? Hank really wanted to do the spider thing.
What am I gonna say to him? No? No, you're not good enough? No, I'm better at it than you? Exactly.
You know, the audience would rather see me do it, I think.
Wouldn't they? I hear you, I hear you.
It's a very tough decision, very tough.
It's not easy being on this side of the cue cards.
I'll show you.
Look.
How's this? How does this feel? Welcome back.
Now, Carol before we move on - Yes? - To our next guest talk to me about the signal that you used to do, or that you still - The ear pulling, yeah.
- The ear thing at the end of a show.
That was a signal to my grandmother who raised me.
- It meant, " Hi, I'm fine.
- Right.
Your check is on the way.
" - And was it always the same ear? - It was this ear.
In fact, many moons ago somebody some journalist measured this ear lobe and it is a quarter of an inch longer than Wow.
You actually have to get earmuffs at a specialty shop? - I'm delightful, aren't I? - Yes.
We'll be right back with spider expert, Steve Kutcher, and Carol Burnett.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Clear.
You know, I really loved rehearsing that sketch.
- Sorry we couldn't get squeeze it in.
- I am too.
You're wonderful at physical comedy.
You know, I love doing broad, physical comedy.
- You're great at it.
- You are great.
- I wish we could've done it.
- Me too.
- Yeah, I love it.
- Me too.
Maybe you'll come back another time, we can do it? Well, I'll have to check my schedule.
Well, sure, sure.
Try and work it in.
But if I do, if we do do it maybe you could talk to costumes about getting you a longer loincloth.
I saw your balls.
What? I saw your balls.
Hank, are you all right? A little mop up.
Listen, this Steve, this spider guy please This spider guy, is is he on the up and up? Don't worry about it, Hank.
The spiders are real.
I mean, he had some concern about an allergic reaction.
Five, four, three Welcome back.
We're back with Carol Burnett and my next guest my next guest was the chief spider wrangler for the movie Arachnophobia.
He's brought some friends along with him.
Please welcome spider expert, Steve Kutcher.
How are ya? Well, Steve, I see you brought your lunch with you.
- So, Steve, nice to see you.
- Hi.
I didn't see the movie but these are tarantulas, are they? Yeah, these are some of my tarantulas used in Arachnophobia.
And where do they where are they from? Where do they come from? They're found in the tropical regions, in desert regions of the world.
You're wrong right there.
They're clearly found in plastic boxes.
I see.
I brought some of my special the best spiders I have here.
Well, let's take a look and see what you got.
Mind if I opened up the lid on this one? No, I've never complained about anyone opening up a lid of anything.
What can we do with this one here? I can actually demonstrate how you can control them crawling up a person's arm.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Now, when you say "a person," you mean, therein, a human being? Right.
Like you.
Wrong.
You mean like Hank.
We could put that thing on Hank.
Wrong.
Come on, don't you folks wanna see Hank put that on his Now tell the truth wouldn't you rather see Larry? Yeah! If you guys are too chicken, I'll do it.
All right, then, I am not a chicken.
I will go ahead.
I will put the spider on my arm: What do l What do I do here? Maybe you could take off your jacket and come up.
- Maybe Carol, would you like to? - Sure.
All right.
And Carol, you thought I was - I thought you were "yeller.
" - And you were "mistakener.
" Now, if you could hold your arm out like this.
You can do it.
Can he do it, audience? I can do this.
All right.
Here we go.
Which movies was he in? All right.
Now, okay Why don't you l-I am going to look this way.
You go ahead.
Will I feel the Oh, my God! - Are you gonna put this on me? - Yes.
It's very light, and it's moving along your arm.
Is he I can barely This is not so bad.
I can barely feel - You can make him go up your arm.
- Is he crawling on me? He's crawling, he's crawling.
You can walk.
That is not Oh, my God! Carol, there's one on your shoulder.
Don't you drop me! Mr.
Kutcher? Mr.
Kutcher? We'll be right back.
Come on, it was great, Larry.
We killed $75,000 worth of spiders, Arty.
- We got $100,000 worth of laughs.
- Oh, please.
Look at it this way.
You finally got a chance to do a sketch with the great Carol Burnett.
It wasn't a sketch.
It was a massive spastic fuck-up.
Tomato, tomato.
It was broad physical comedy.
It made the Ed Ames tomahawk throw look like a big piece of shit.
Yeah.
Really? Well, I did overcome my fear, didn't I? Yes, for a second until you flung that poor creature to a fiery death.
- But in a funny way.
- For a hundred times yes: - Good show.
- Hank, sorry.
Oh, no, the spider guy said it's a mild allergic reaction.
It should run its course in about a week's time and it's hardly noticeable.
Yeah? Nothing.
Huge laughs, Hank.
Huge laughs, Larry.
Huge.
Yeah, there were some huge laughs, weren't there, Arty? Wanna watch the tape again? - Attaboy.
- Come on, let's go.