The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e12 Episode Script

Now that sign says "applesauce.
" No, I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
Now remember, you're all a big part of the show so the better you are, the better Larry is.
All right, here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? In five, four, three, two Live, on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight, join Larry and his guests Bebe Neuwirth, Penny Marshall Garth Brooks and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.
And now, because I am daffy about this guy and I don't care who knows it Larry Sanders! Thank you very much.
Before I go on with the monologue, I have to ask Hank what is "daffy"? You said you're "daffy about the guy," which scares me.
What exactly does "daffy" mean? It shouldn't scare you.
I mean cuckoo about the guy.
You should get some help.
I'm getting some immediately after the show.
Hope the bars are open.
Larry Bird retired because he said he realized he was white.
Gerald Ford's son, Steven is going to be in a new NBC series called Secret Service.
Not since Neil Bush appeared on television in America's Most Wanted has a president's son been on television.
Speaking of President Bush he says that he's going to "come out swinging.
" Isn't that what got Clinton into trouble? Do not flip around.
Come right back.
Do not flip around.
Please explain Garth Brooks to me.
He's a sweet kid, good old boy.
- Chicks seem to dig his sound.
- "Chicks seem to dig his sound"? Artie, I don't wanna keep you.
I know you have Twiggy waiting at your pad.
Does this hat make my ass look fat, by the way? Horse-hocky.
Everybody looks good in a cowboy hat.
- Yeah, right.
- Larry.
Before you take off, I've invited a Mr.
Ben Smalley to the show and he's the head honcho from Chicken In A Minute that fast-food chicken place? It's a national chain, and they're looking for a new spokesman and it's between me and that obnoxious turd who does that "Hey, Vern" character.
- Oh, that's Ernest.
- He's funny.
"Hey, Vern.
" "Whattaya say, Vern?" He's a pisser.
- We gotta get him on the show.
- Listen.
Mr.
Ben Smalley's coming the night after next.
Now, would it be possible for me to mention Chicken In A Minute during the actual body of the show? Right.
Right.
Phone call for me.
Better get that.
Well, listen, we'll we'll be discussing this I thought we agreed that the fishing pole was an outdoor toy.
You are such a girl, and besides, the shag bass are biting, honey.
- What? - The shag bass.
- Honey! Jesus! - What? - We're having this for dinner.
- Let's cook it up.
- Put it back.
- Put it back? - Throw it back into the carpet? - No, put it back in the fridge.
Popular talk-show host Larry Sanders was involved in an incident at Quinn's Market in Larchmont Village yesterday evening.
Shopper Carol Biederman says she was just waiting in line when Sanders pushed his way in front of her, knocking her into a magazine rack.
He just bumped me out of his way like I wasn't even there.
It was just rude, you know? I think that we have to send a message to these celebrities and say, like you know, just because we're the little people doesn't mean that we don't exist.
You know, he looks thin when you see him on his show but in real life, he has kind of a gut.
- What was he buying? - Turn it off.
- He had a big bottle of Excedrin.
- You wanna playback? - No, turn it off.
- Giant size.
- Artie, please? - And a jar of - Do you recognize that woman? - No.
But you were in this supermarket last night? For God's sakes, put a bright light on me.
Yes.
I had one of those headaches where I get tunnel vision.
I pulled off to get Excedrin at the nearest place I could got the Excedrin and some artichoke hearts, 'cause you know I love those.
Artichoke hearts? Ever try 'em in a salad? - They really add zing.
- Don't they? So I get that stuff.
The woman must have seen me in the market, and she makes up this story like she's clearly delusional and pathetic.
She sounds exactly like that crazy woman that keeps breaking into Letterman's house.
Except, instead of a house, it was a supermarket.
Instead of Letterman, it was you.
Instead of breaking in, she got pushed.
Instead of New York, LA.
- Instead of a redhead - I'll tell you what pisses me off.
The media should have something better to do than focus on me.
That's why I refuse to watch the local news.
"Two kittens fell in a well.
" - Who gives a shit? - Exactly.
Who are you calling? I don't want anybody to talk to the reporters.
What reporters? Not many.
How many? Not many.
- Approximately.
- Approximately not many.
Have you ever seen Larry be physically abusive to one of his employees? - Never.
- Absolutely not.
It depends on what you mean by "physically abusive.
" Would you call beating a man half to death because he ran out of nondairy creamer abusive? Of course, after you beat a man like that, you know what the next step is.
Larry had to make him his bitch.
Trouble on the Carol Biederman front.
- Does the bad boy say I shot him? - Oh, worse than that.
Security camera at the supermarket.
Entertainment Tonight got a copy of the tape.
- How did you get it? - Mary Hart sent it to me.
I fished a dead bird out of her spa on the Fourth ofJuly.
- She owed me a favor.
- Put it in.
All we're gonna see is me and my artichoke hearts and my Excedrin.
That's all.
I'm tellin' you.
How would you like to be the guy who watches this all day long? Ten bucks says it's a cable channel by the end of the year.
- There she is.
- Is that her? Look at her.
She's not gonna buy that.
This isn't a fuckin' lending library, lady.
- Look who's here.
- There's Larry.
And the artichokes are in your left hand? Left hand.
Turn it off.
There's nothing else to see.
They're making something out of nothing.
- Whoa! - I'm fucked.
I'm really fucked.
Thanks for coming in on such short notice, Norman.
I'm a publicity man.
Damage control is my job.
Listen, you guys, I just don't remember, honestly bumping into this woman at all.
I remember I was in the grocery store, and I heard a crash but, you know, a supermarket in LA, lfigured it was looting.
That's understandable.
It would've been my first thought.
Then, after I saw the tape, I remembered that woman.
I've never seen a grocery cart so overloaded in my life.
The woman must have been storing stuff for the quake or something.
Take it easy.
Let that Excedrin work for you.
What's the word from the network, Norm? They were fine until they saw the tape, and then they started coughing up blood.
Half the civilized world is gonna watch Entertainment Tonight in a few hours and they're gonna see Larry body-slam a woman half his size into a metal rack.
- What? - Terrible.
This is a publicity bonanza.
- Gentlemen, I'm wetting myself.
- The woman wants an apology.
After seeing the tape, I think she deserves one.
I'm gonna apologize, and then we're done with the thing.
Just wait one second.
Let's not kill this cow before we've milked it.
Isn't this negative publicity, Norm? There's no such thing.
Look.
Flashback two years ago, okay? The Roseanne Barr show is number 12 in the nation.
Then she does this little thing called the national anthem.
The country is outraged.
Cut to two months later.
The show is number one.
So what are you saying? That after the monologue, I should scratch my balls and spit? No, really, look what's going on around you.
You got you, you got Leno, Letterman, Arsenio Whoopi, doopty, poopy.
Now some chick in the supermarket, she swings the spotlight onto you.
You want to let it go right by and land on somebody else? I mean, this is a terrific opportunity, and I'm wetting myself again.
You may have a problem there that's just completely unrelated to the world of publicity.
Oh, thank you.
What's up, Norm? CNN is airing the tape.
Oh, great.
So now everyone in Iraq knows I'm an asshole.
You are gonna pull a gigantic audience tonight.
And a bigger one tomorrow night.
Do you know what I'm doing? Yeah, but don't worry.
The chairs are Scotchgarded.
My point is, do you want to double your audience share or do you want to apologize and just nip it all in the bud? What do you think, Artie? Well, personally, I lean toward nipping, but on the other hand this is the sort of thing that might have kept Dennis Miller on the air for another week or two.
Let it slide for a couple days.
- We'll see what happens.
- You will not be sorry.
Hi, I'm Suzanne Vafiadis with E! Entertainment Television.
Popular talk-show host Larry Sanders's greatest challenge isn't coming from Jay or Arsenio but from grocery shopper Carol Biederman.
Today the controversy heated up again when a videotape taken from an in-store security camera revealed Sanders knocking the petite Miss Biederman into a metal display stand.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Showbiz Today.
The Larry Sanders controversy continues.
Upon closer examination, the videotape first broadcast on CNN clearly shows Larry Sanders shoving the former honor student Carol Biederman, into the magazine rack.
Sanders has yet to apologize for this insensitive act.
CNN talked to Tommy Oh a store employee at Quinn's Market in Hollywood who witnessed the incident.
I was just, you know, ringing up a customer, and boom.
I see this lady go flying.
I don't know much about this Sanders guy but, you know, I don't think Arsenio would do something like this.
At the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana college students have created a new dance they call "The Sanders Shuffle.
" Insiders tell us that it involves only a few simple steps but a whole lot of pushing and shoving.
You okay? - What's it like? - What's what like? What's it like being nobody? I can see this is gonna be a fun conversation.
What's it like not being a celebrity? I mean, you must do a lot of shitty things in your personal life.
I bet you bumped into someone in a supermarket.
Yeah, sure.
Well, the other day, this guy tried to take my parking spot at Von's.
I yelled at him, "Hey, you son of a bitch!" and I gave him the finger.
That's a beautiful story.
See, I can't do that.
I can't be an asshole.
That must be real hard for you, Larry.
It is.
It's very frustrating.
Remember when Johnny Carson got arrested for drunk driving and it made the front page of every newspaper? You know how many people get arrested for drunk driving every day? They're not on the front page of the newspaper.
OnlyJohnny Carson is.
You know why? - He was drunk.
- No, but he's Johnny.
That's the point.
You think she would have sold those tapes to Entertainment Tonight if I wasn't Larry Sanders? I'm moving to Montana.
That'll make everybody happy.
- I'm getting you an Excedrin.
- I don't want any more Excedrin.
I'll have Just get me none.
Because I'm so wired I've had so many, I can barely lie still.
Now, let's go over this once more.
So we get the Chicken In A Minute papers and cups and wrappers and things and we put them in the trash in my office.
You know, not too obvious.
Maybe we leave one on the desk and Mr.
Ben Smalley will think I eat there all the time.
You want me to go to Chicken In A Minute and buy food to get the wrappers? Not buy.
Not buy.
Forget the food.
All we need are the wrappers.
Why don't I just go outside and climb into the Dumpster? No, no.
Please, Darlene.
I would never ask you to do that.
I'm mean Hey.
You've got your dignity, babe.
Remember that.
- How long has he been in there? - It's almost three hours.
- Maybe he's taking a nap.
- Larry does not sleep during the day.
I can hear him moving around in there.
He's been sighing and - He'll be all right.
- Look, Arthur.
He turned down an Excedrin.
I didn't know that.
Larry! Buddy, open up! Go away, Artie.
What are you doing in there, pal? I'm vivisecting a choirboy.
Why don't you callJohn Tesh? Hey, that's the spirit.
Listen, buddy, I'm looking forward to this show tonight.
Fred Savage is on.
His voice is changing.
You'll get a lot of fun out of that.
And we've got this great dog who drinks coffee while he smokes a cigarette.
You gotta see this to believe it.
Hey, Larry? There's somebody out here to see you.
Hey, everybody, it's Tony Danza.
Yo, Angela, how ya doin'? I got a new series to pitch for you.
It's me in an apartment alone with a kitty.
Bad-luck kitty.
The kitty keeps gettin' into trouble.
It's a bad-luck kitty, right? - Bad-luck kitty put a spell on me - Cram it, Jerry.
Now, right this way, and You remember Darlene, my assistant.
Darlene, you remember Mr.
Smalley.
- You can call me Ben.
- Thank you.
I had a parent named Ben.
Come on, Darlene.
Now, let's Let's show Ben that we can run a tidy ship here.
So let's put these Chicken In A Minute wrappers from the food that we enjoyed earlier in the trash, right where it belongs.
Now, if we walk right over here we can drop in and say hello to Larry.
Hey now, Larry.
It's your good buddy.
Fuck off, Hank.
Now, right over here Larry, open the door.
It's me.
If you don't open the door in the next five seconds I'm gonna tell everyone out here the nickname you have for your penis.
One Good going, Jeannie.
- You think I should apologize to her? - Absolutely.
- She's the one exploiting me.
- Honey, you're bigger than that.
- Rise above it.
- I can no longer rise.
- We should move to Montana.
- That's bullshit.
We got a show to do.
What do you say? Hey, listen, I've decided I'm going to apologize to that woman and put an end to all of this right now.
I'm glad to hear that.
It's obvious that you injured her, and apologizing is the right thing to do.
It's the human thing to do.
It's the only thing to do.
God bless you for making the right choice.
- Thank you.
I feel good about it.
- Good.
But consider this.
- Don't do this.
- Larry, hear me out.
Why not have her on the show and apologize to her? I swear to Christ, this is brilliant.
The only way you're gonna get better ratings is if you marry Hank on the air.
- God, you're a sick fuck.
- Thank you.
I don't want to apologize on the air.
Tell him, Artie.
Norman, I like your idea.
Get Miss Biederman on.
Apologize.
Schmooze the hell out of her.
The audience will love you for it.
Before we go off the air tonight, in continuing the tradition of me not having the smallest corner of my life that isn't open to public scrutiny I would like to take these last few minutes of this show to introduce fresh from taping A Current Affair and Inside Edition we all know who this is, the woman whom I bumped into in the supermarket.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Miss Carol Biederman.
Carol, nice to see you.
- Have a seat.
- Very nice of you to come by.
And may I say, first off, just off the bat you are twice as attractive in person as you are on that security camera.
It does not do you justice.
I just want to take this opportunity to apologize and to say that I'm really very sorry for what happened.
I didn't see you there.
I think you saw me, and I also think that you know what you did.
Everybody saw it.
I don't think that's necessarily true that everybody saw it.
I think that a lot of people saw it but the main thing is we're here tonight to sort of mend the fence.
- That's right.
- Sort of to, you know And, Carol, because As a sort of token of my apology I would like you to accept from me to you a beautiful, brand-new refrigerator/freezer.
I'm so happy to have you here, Carol and there's nothing more important than one's human dignity and I hope you will accept this as a token from The Larry Sanders Show.
I don't think I can accept that until I talk to my attorney.
It might be construed as a settlement for my damages.
Well, gee, I mean if you wanna get your attorneys involved, I certainly can get my lawyer.
Easy, easy, big man.
I think what Larry's trying to say if I may say is that this is a gesture of goodwill, as he says and maybe you can help him ease his guilt by accepting a beautiful, beautiful present from Antarctic.
It's a gorgeous freezer.
Gorgeous freezer.
- Right.
It's an Antarctic 5000.
- That's what I thought.
And I believe it has an automatic ice maker - and dual beverage dispensers.
- Is that right? And patented, self-regulating Frostbuster technology.
It's the future of your kitchen today, and it's only from Antarctic.
- Boy.
- Thank you, Cindy.
- Cindy? - Yes, that's Cindy.
That's Cindy Remington, a junior at USC majoring in telecommunications and I believe she loves horses.
- Cindy Remington.
- That'll be fine.
It It is a nice one.
Please accept it before he describes the ribbon.
I will accept the refrigerator.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Carol.
Just in the nick of time.
Artie is signaling we're out of time.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you, Carol, and we'll see you all tomorrow night.
Good night.
Sleep well.