The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e03 Episode Script

The List

[Larry] In washington, The debate continues over Whether or not To lift the ban On gays in the military.
The marine corp announced That if the ban is lifted, They will be changing Their slogan from "The marines are looking For a few good men" To "I think sarge likes me.
" [Audience laughs] If they decide To enforce the ban, I'm very confused.
will they take The m.
A.
S.
H episodes And edit out klinger? Well Here comes one With no segue.
It's prom time here In the high schools Across the country.
You can tell it's prom time Here in the u.
S.
Because the schools Have switched To the more formal, Prettier, Carnation-covered Metal detectors.
All right.
And conan o'brien Thinks this will be easy.
We have A great show tonight.
We have edward james olmos, Mary stuart masterson, And musician John wesley harding.
Don't flip around.
We'll be back.
Do not flip around.
No flipping.
[Man] We're clear! [Artie] The audience was shit, huh? The sound was no good? It's too hot in here? The show was fine.
There's something-- Never mind.
Tell me.
What? There's something i did.
Tell me it wasn't A mistake.
That's my job.
Good.
Okay.
I slept with Francine last night.
Don't do this to me.
Wait, kiddo.
I've knocked On ex-wives' doors When i was tanked up And horny.
God bless Those four ladies.
You were drunk, Right? No.
Spaced out On pills? No.
One night? Forget it! It was The entire weekend.
Tell me.
It wasn't such-- I can't.
Are you fucking insane? That woman smashed your People's choice award.
We'll talk About this later.
You cheated on her.
So what? Why take it out On the award? I don't need to-- The fucking people Gave you that award.
[Talking at once] Mr.
Sanders.
Hey! Psst! Big mistake.
Big, big Mistake.
[larry on tv] My guest tomorrow, Alec baldwin.
Alec baldwin.
Yeah.
He'll be A good guest.
Maybe.
I don't know.
He's never Been on the show.
He'll be good.
He's very funny.
I know him, You know? You know Alec baldwin? I didn't know that.
You know him, too.
Remember? We met him At the charity ball.
Which one? Cystic fibrosis? No.
It was-- It wasn't Muscular dystrophy.
Lupus? It was like-- No.
Was it the asthma Foundation? It was Multiple sclerosis.
Multiple sclerosis Benefit.
I met him there, And he called me After we got divorced, And we went out.
He's gay, you know.
He is not gay.
He's gay.
He's definitely not gay.
He's gayer Than a french horn.
He's hugely gay.
I had sex with him.
Will that be A problem for you? No.
I'll tell him You said hi.
Okay.
Ask if the saab's clutch Is still sticking.
Don't, don't, Don't, don't.
He'll laugh.
No, it's good.
Don't push me.
"With an estimated Completion date Of january 1995.
" No, no.
The-- the plan, If i may, Was to complete Hank's look-around cafe On august 23rd This year.
That's my-- My birthday.
Can't move My birthday back.
What else does my jackass Business manager say? "Restaurants rotate When they're "At the top Of buildings.
"Your place Is at street level.
There is no view.
" He does not get it.
See, the point Is not the view.
The point is, When you eat at hank's, You and your food Are going On an adventure.
Maybe you should just forget The rotating floor And get the place going.
Forget the rotating floor? Come on, take a message.
Well, sir, thank you.
But i am a visionary.
So i'd like you To take your opinion And shove it Right up your ass.
Regards, hank kingsley.
Fax that back to him.
But he's saying you don't have Enough money to make it rotate.
Fine.
Then i will get investors.
Just so happens I am on a First-name basis with some Of the most influential, Some of the most powerful People in this business.
So Get chuck woolery On the phone.
[Knock on door] Yeah? What a beautiful day For a tv show.
Where are the Alec baldwin notes? Last-minute change.
I canceled him.
Why? We canceled alec baldwin Because Arsenio had billy baldwin Last week, And leno had Stephen baldwin Just last night.
These baldwin boys seem To be multiplying Like fucking jackrabbits.
You know, You're right.
Good.
Good.
All right.
Who have We got, then? A man with no arms Playing the piano.
True triumph Of the spirit.
What's he play with? With his ass, i suppose.
And we've got Ed begley.
Good mix.
Hey, artie? Artie? Listen Book alec baldwin.
This is a bad idea.
Remember What happened With all those Carradines? Come here.
Look, i know What you're doing.
I can handle this.
Handle what? I know that francine Dated alec baldwin.
Who told you that? She told me.
Who told you? Who told you, artie? I saw them together At a rolling disco party A few years ago.
Jesus! Why did you Have to tell me? You don't want him On the show.
I've seen this Kind of thing before.
You're interviewing him, You're laughing along With alec baldwin, Then you blink, And you see him screwing Your lovely francine.
You see her face.
You see his face Slobbering in her ear.
You see legs all entangled.
You hear the grunts.
All right! All right.
If i cancel, Don't i look Like a jerk? No.
Paula looks Like a jerk.
All right.
Cancel him.
Consider him canceled.
Artie? Artie! Hey! Book him.
Book him On the show tonight.
This is A big mistake.
A big, big Mistake.
Did he come out? Oh, What is this? A little chocolate Never hurt anybody.
get christie love.
You're waiting For the guy That plays the piano With his ass? I thought he used Something else.
Hey, look at me.
That's in bad taste.
Larry, how well Do you know Alec baldwin? Don't.
A friend of mine is a wardrobe person On knots landing.
Said he had sex With half the town.
Which town? Knots landing.
[Scoffs] Larry.
Hey, alec.
Hey.
Alec, this is Darlene, paula, And beverly.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to see you again.
Hi, i'm beverly.
Nice to meet you.
Good to see you.
That girl darlene-- did she work On knots landing? No, i don't Think so.
She worked at Knott's berry farm For a short time.
Hey, you're still With kim basinger, Aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Hey, my wife-- Ex-wife francine Says to say hi.
Francine Sanders.
Oh! You're kidding! How is she doing? Well, she's great.
She's Absolutely great.
She is quite a woman.
Yeah.
We had some really, Really wild times together.
Of course, that was back In crazier days.
That was the mid To late eighties, Right? She's a little flaky.
I see why you'd want out.
Yeah, you bet.
Do you have a problem With she and i After your divorce? I have No problem with it.
The phrase "Be my guest" Comes to mind.
It's o.
K.
With us? Are you kidding? Couldn't be better.
Thrilled you're here.
Fantastic.
Don't worry about it.
Larry, could i Ask you a favor? Hey, call me lar.
Could you book My brother on the show? Which one? Billy? No.
Daniel.
he's on that Series homicide.
He's a big fan Of the program.
I'll see What i can do.
I'm not in charge Of the bookings, But sure, i'll-- Right.
Hey, listen.
Let's not bring Francine up.
Wouldn't dream Of it, lar.
And try to talk up Out there.
[Whispers] Yeah.
Oh, boy.
I don't see it.
You gonna stay for The rest of the evening? Can i? [Applause] All right.
The people Have spoken.
Some of the people Have spoken.
The people around The country are going, "He's staying.
" We're happy To have you.
Likewise.
Now, my next guest Is a wonderful actor who's appeared in Glengarry glen ross.
he'll soon be In a film called malice- With nicole kidman, and then in the getaway With kim basinger.
Ladies and gentlemen, Alec baldwin.
[Cheering and applause] I'm sorry, alec, They're still hooting From my monologue.
Nice to Have you here.
Great to be here.
i enjoyed you a lot In glengarry glen ross.
Thank you.
It's a wonderful movie.
And tell me What you've been Doing lately.
Actually, larry, You and i have Something in common.
Yes.
Yes, we do.
A lot of you Probably don't know That alec and i-- Alec dated My ex-wife francine.
[Audience] Whoooo! No, i was referring To our charity work With multiple sclerosis.
I know.
I know.
That, too.
Let's take a little Commercial break, And we'll come right back With alec baldwin.
[Man] We're clear! I wasn't going In that direction.
I know.
I know.
I just did that Because the audience Loves that stuff.
Excuse me For just a second.
You're right.
From the time he walked out All i saw was him fucking her.
And she was on top.
That lazy bastard.
I'm gonna get rid of him Before something ugly happens.
Artie, i'm fine.
You okay? I'm fine.
I'm a professional.
So, as an investor, You'd be making The restaurant Go around.
Me, i'm just The symbol.
I'm just the face On the menu.
Well, i'd have to talk To my business manager.
I'm sorry, what? I said i'd have to talk it Over with my business manager.
Oh, come on.
Those guys don't Know jack shit.
I'm begging you.
Let me kick his ass Off the show.
I can handle it.
What color is my tie? Blue.
That part is.
That's the part I was looking at.
Good.
Get back in there.
Listen, larry.
I'm getting a little Uncomfortable With this Francine business.
Let's not Talk about it.
Yeah.
You got it.
All right.
We're back.
We're back with ed begley And alec baldwin, And we were just discussing The charity work we both do For multiple sclerosis.
Hey, me, too.
Ed, do you do Charity work For m.
S.
? No.
I mean i dated Francine also.
[Laughing] All right, ed.
You had your turn.
I'll say.
I met her at one of my Roller-skating parties.
ed, francine Was my date At the roller-skating Party.
The sign on the wall Said "all skate.
" It said what? "All skate.
" What does That mean? It means anybody Can do whatever they want.
So you did it on wheels? [laughter from audience] [larry] Has anybody else Been with my ex-wife? how about the guy who plays The piano with his ass? [Turns off television] [Sigh] I can't believe you were Talking about me on the show.
What are The odds that you Would have slept With the same Three people On one show In one night? Three? Yeah.
It was like a theme show.
Who's the third? Me.
That would be me.
I would be the third.
I didn't realize You were counting the host.
Yeah, i was-- Thank god my mother Doesn't watch the show anymore.
Why didn't you mention Ed begley last night? I didn't know Ed would be on the show, Because we were so busy Talking about alec.
Odd when you're Hosting a show And everyone goes, "I was With your ex-wife.
" I slept with you And alec baldwin.
I didn't sleep With ed begley Or the man who plays The piano with his ass! My god, maybe i should Just make you a list Of everybody I've ever slept with.
You know what? Maybe you should.
That's not a bad idea.
You want a list? A list.
Why not? O.
K.
All right.
Great.
Good.
This is really good.
And, uh, i'll be Wanting a list from you.
That's A different thing.
You don't have to Talk to the women That i've Slept with.
My list will include Uh, let's see, Legitimate acts Of penetration Oral sex And i think Heavy petting, don't you? If you keep Narrowing it down Like this, I'm not going to have Any names on my list.
We don't need to Do this right now.
I want to do it now.
My memory is feeling Incredibly sharp.
Oh, good.
Good to know.
You shouldn't Write so fast.
You're going to Pull something.
You could throw Your wrist out.
You're right.
I think i'm going To need more time, So i'll come back Tomorrow at 11:00, And we'll exchange Our lists.
What do you think? Good night.
That's perfect.
This is really good, I think.
[Knock on door] Yeah? How'd that Alec baldwin thing Go over On the home front? We didn't watch it Last night.
Horseshit.
She's already got you Lying to your friends again.
That's a big mistake.
What are you Doing there? Huh? Nothing.
Making my Christmas card list.
Listen, boy, This is beginning To worry me.
You busy? [Whispers] Close the door.
Come here.
What? Who's the The blonde-- the girlfriend On perfect strangers? Uh, melanie wilson? No.
Balki's Girlfriend.
Oh.
You mean Rebecca arthur.
Why? Yeah.
What are You doing, larry? You know, uh, uh Francine and i Had an argument, And we decided To make a list Of everyone We've slept with.
And you're doing it? Why? You don't Think i should? No, i mean, People discuss it, But nobody actually Makes the list.
Well, can i see it? No.
You might want To run it by me.
I can show you How a woman would react.
All right.
O.
K.
I'll be francine, And you be larry.
Give it right back.
I got a couple O.
K.
"Adrienne barbeau"! Why, you no-good, Star-screwing bastard! Get the hell Out of here! I never want to see Your ugly ass again! [Doorbell rings] Artie, come in.
You know, i have-- This is a list Of every man That francine Has slept with.
Funny.
New sketch, Right? No.
Not a sketch.
This is actually a list.
How'd you get that? Private investigator? She gave it to me.
I told you She's nuts.
Jesus christ, That's hefty.
It's a two-pager At least.
There must be 85 To 100 names.
I'm not going To look at it.
Huh? You're Making a mistake.
A big, big mistake.
[Knock on door] Come in.
Why, francine, What a delight To see you, my dear.
We've all missed you.
Thank you, Artie.
May i say, You're as beautiful As ever.
You've done something With your hair.
I cut it shorter.
You're looking well Yourself.
How's, uh She's just Doing wonderfully.
I'll send her Your regards.
Good.
If you don't mind, Excuse me.
I have A paycheck to earn.
He hasn't Changed a bit.
No.
I haven't, uh I haven't looked At the list yet.
Me neither.
Really? 'Cause Then we should Just rip them up.
Don't you think We just Got carried away? We should Rip them up.
Let's rip them up.
Hand it to me, And i will rip them up Right here and now.
I'm a human shredder.
This is going To feel Very good.
You want to rip Some pieces up? Feels good.
I want the ones you screwed While we were married.
I'm making a collage.
All right.
You know, I realize That the only reason I went out With alec and ed Was because I wanted to hurt you.
Mm-hmm.
I can't believe It took six years For you to find out! Jesus.
I'm sorry.
I've been Really busy.
Did i hurt you? Really hurt me.
Good.
In a way, It's a tie.
No, it is not a tie.
i was so faithful to you.
There's a big difference.
I didn't cheat on you! [Hank] Knock, knock.
Excuse me, folks.
Francine, good.
You'll be Interested in this.
At hank's Look-around Cafe spins, So will your head, As you receive Your profit statements.
And-- shoot! Wait a minute.
Am i interrupting Something? No.
There's still 10 minutes To do before the show.
Hank, is the crank stuck? Does the restaurant Have a big crank outside? That's kind of inconvenient, You rush outside every time You want the floor to turn? Hank, Could you please Leave us alone? See the bar He's got there? I'll just leave this.
Could we talk about This later please? Yeah.
And the name hank-- That's not set in stone.
[Sighing] He's, uh Probably built this On his own Is the sad part.
I think maybe we're Moving too fast here.
We're trying to cover Too much ground.
No, that's right.
We've only had, Like, four dates.
Five if you count That time in the car.
Which, by the way, Is not a piece-of-shit saab, I might say.
Right.
Why don't we forget About all this And see how things go? That's a great idea.
Good.
So then We'll just, uh Kind of [Laughing] What? See what happens.
If things go well, You can Ream me out later.
It'll be my pleasure.
Really? Yeah.
O.
K.
I look Forward to that.
We're back with, of course, Daniel baldwin.
now, let's talk About homicide, Which i love.
I think it's A wonderful series.
[Applause] You got A lot of fans.
Larry, i have To tell you, You and i have Something in common.
Evidently You're speaking Of the charity work That we do-- No, no, no, no.
I've never Considered it a charity, But i used to do Your ex-wife.
[Laughter, cheering] all right, so you brought A clip from homicide? Let's get right to the clip.
You don't need to set it up.
No, really-- We're good.
We're doing the clip.
I think they got A special zoning rule.