The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e06 Episode Script

The Hankerciser 200

[Hank] That sign says, "Applesauce.
" No, no.
I'm kidding.
It says applause.
Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Applause] All right.
Remember, you're all A big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign.
It says, "we're on In 10 seconds.
" So get ready To have a good time.
All right.
Here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? [Man] In 5, 4, 3, 2! ** [theme plays] live, on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry And his guests burt reynolds, barry manilow, Comedian jake johanssen, and me, "hey, now!" Hank kingsley.
now, because he just Plain likes all this attention, larry sanders! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
The postal service Announced today That they'll be putting in New vending machines At all post offices, Which, for a dollar, The machine will open fire On everyone.
Well, come on-- [Larry Hey! I know this is a rerun, But you don't have To change the channel.
Burt reynolds Tells this great Dom deluise story About them fishing, Please, can we Turn it back on? No.
No.
No.
I really want to see The burt reynolds thing.
Damn it! You made me Miss the earrings.
Are you serious? I thought you were kidding About those earrings.
our guest is hank kingsley, from the larry sanders show, who's here to talk about a new piece Of fitness equipment That is just spectacular.
i travel a lot and do Personal appearances, all kinds of things.
it's very tough To keep in shape.
oh, it doesn't look it To me.
hey, now.
[applause] well, thank you.
that's because When the good people at bruck industries showed me This fitness product, i used it regularly.
i believe in it So much, i let them put My name on it.
here it is.
this is The hankerciser 200.
now my assistant darlene Will demonstrate.
the hankerciser 200 Attaches easily to any Standard doorknob-- hotel room, Bedroom, living room-- everything but The refrigerator Door.
which you want to stay Away from anyway if you're trying To slim down.
darlene, can you just pull your legs Into the air? when she is pulling Her legs into the air, she is using The full benefit Of gravity.
darlene's only used The hankerciser For one month.
look at that body.
look at hank's.
hey, now.
let's take a call.
you're on the air.
[man] Yeah.
Hi, hank.
hello.
i'm overweight, And i was wondering, could i use The hankerciser to reduce the size Of howard stern's ass? We'll walk through A typical day on the larry sanders show.
You'll see what A producer actually does, Not that bullshit Taught in college.
We've got seven hours And nine minutes till showtime.
Every minute is crucial.
Hey, now.
What do we have here? Hello, hank.
This is my class From ucla.
Future tv producers.
Everyone, Say hello to hank.
Hi, hank.
Go, bruins.
We're going to The stage.
Excuse us.
Why don't i give you kids A hankerciser As a memento Of the show? What's your name, son? Kevin.
Hank, We've got a lot To cover today.
"To kevin, feel the burn.
" Let's take A short break! You've got Five minutes, hank.
How about one For you, o.
K? Larry, francine! Hello, dream couple.
It's wonderful to see You go everywhere together.
Larry's car Wouldn't start.
Right.
Larry, you remember My students from ucla Are here today For a behind-the-scenes Look-see? That's wonderful You do that, artie.
Thank you, francine.
Young people are a delight.
They're the hope For a new tomorrow.
And eventually they'll try To steal our jobs.
They're excited About seeing you.
I need to find the Ladies crapper? Third door on the right.
Thank you, artie.
Now look at me.
I mean, do you think I would let them put my name On it if i didn't work? You have to Extend up.
What are they learning? This is how I inspire the class.
What do you Mean? It's a lesson called, "If hank can do it, Anyone can.
" Bye, larry! I'll see you later! O.
K.
Francine? Francine! Um, yeah, uh, um, Uh, boy [Panting] It's longer Than it looks.
Listen.
Just give me A second.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, here.
I want you to have One of these.
Oh, hank.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Uh, here.
Let me get this.
Are you going Up or down? Down.
Excellent choice.
You do some Financial reporting, Don't you? Every once In a while.
Now, i don't want To overstep the boundaries Of journalistic, uh Propriety? No.
Uh Propriety.
Right.
I just have to tell you That the hankerciser, It's just-- It's taking off, And people are very curious.
They want to know who.
They want to know what.
You want me to Write a piece about The hankerciser? You have a nose For a good story.
I don't cover Fitness fads.
Trends.
Well, whatever.
What are you working on Right now? This piece about The l.
A.
Riots And the long-term Effects.
I think we've sold some Down there.
I'll check.
You feel it? All right, class.
Here he is-- Larry sanders.
All right! Will you come To the set with us? I'd like to, but-- I could.
I could.
I could take them To the set.
I'd love to show you kids What this baby does In an open space.
O.
K.
, Hank, You got three minutes.
Come on.
Come on.
Darlene, Get my towels And a tank top.
In an open space, You could cram this Up his ass.
I don't think you need To take it out the box.
Mr.
Sanders, Could i ask some questions About how you keep The monologue So fresh every night? What's your name? Kevin.
Kevin, good to know.
Hey, would you like To come on in? Want a soda? Yeah.
I love soda.
The core of any monologue Is really the delivery ** [Pop music plays] Where did you get this? Hank gave it to me.
It's really working.
I feel something.
Probably embarrassment.
I know what You're thinking, But this thing Is really fun.
You should try it.
You look like howdy doody Having a tantrum.
Aah! Ow! Oh, i'm sorry.
What is that? It's the ice pack.
Where are you going? Hank wanted me To write an article About that thing.
This would be very awkward For me and hank If you did this.
Look at the position Hank's put me in.
Every celebrity's Jumping on The endorsement Bandwagon With some kind of inferior Piece-of-shit product.
It's irresponsible.
People could get hurt.
You're starting To sound like a reporter on A current affair, You know that? here's something you never hear On a current affair.
Ow.
Fuck you.
Ow.
you know, i don't believe I ever have heard that On a current affair.
What phil and jerry Are doing on this Typical day Is writing promos For the affiliates.
We'll shoot those This afternoon.
What do you got For dallas? Come up with something good For dallas, boys.
My aunt will be watching.
What about that thing You came up with yesterday? Which? The first one? No.
Second one? No.
The one with The, uh-- The one you came up with In the commissary.
Um, i know it's not my place, But larry and hank In 10-gallon hats Would be really funny.
[Chuckles] You're a student, right? Uh, yeah.
What grade Are you in? Morning.
Good morning, Mr.
Sanders! Got this promo.
Finished them up.
This is where The writers Give larry The promos For his approval.
I won't say yee-haw! Uh-oh.
Why not? It's a cowboy term.
It's funny If you say it.
Try it.
Yee-haw! [All laughing] Has anybody seen hank? The wardrobe lady said He's coming in at 11:45 To prepare for The promo shoot.
Kevin, right? Yes, sir.
[Larry] We've got to talk.
There are only For promos, o.
K.
? Yeah, it's o.
K.
We have to discuss The hankerciser.
You know, You should be doing A stair-climbing machine.
I think you should Call it the, uh The larrystepper.
That's it.
No, the larryciser-- Larryride-- Francine used That hankerciser Last night.
[Man] In 5, 4, 3 And you know What she-- If laughter's Your strong suit, Get in on This deal-- the larry sanders show On las vegas' own Lucky channel seven.
Hit me.
[Man] We're clear.
She hurt herself No.
On the hankerciser.
Yeah, she did.
The doorknob Flew right off.
Did she warm up Properly? Did she warm up? [Man] Here we go again, in I don't know if-- Hello, kansas city.
Hungry for Entertainment? try the larry sanders Show on kfbd Because We like our steaks Like we like Our talk shows-- Well done.
[Man] We're clear.
Jesus christ, man.
That is hot! I still have The vegas thing-- Use your head.
You understand What i'm saying? You understand I burned my hands? She hurt herself Using that thing.
Tell her to Put ben-gay on it.
Ben-gay my ass.
She was so bruised, She couldn't have sex.
We've set up A lovely cheese tray In the green-room.
Let's go sample it.
I said let's all go down And have some fucking cheese.
Could we do the pittsburgh Promo, please? Does anybody Have any ice? I've asked for ice.
[man] Go again in 5, 4, 3, 2 Nice kids.
[larry] Hello, kansas city.
How much longer Are they gonna be here? This should be Their last day.
I want them to See a typical day.
We haven't Really had one yet.
Fine.
This will be Their last day.
I said fine.
5, 4 3, 2 if laughter's Your strong suit I need to talk To you.
Sure, uh Alone, please.
Don't mind us, hank.
Pretend we're not here.
Alone, Goddamn it! Ha ha ha ha.
Whoa whoa whoa! Mm-hmm.
Well This is something You don't need to see.
You're just in Your late teens.
Let's go.
You o.
K.
? I just got off The phone from, uh Belinda foster from The, uh, shopping network, And, uh, They're very nervous Because some reporter Is going around Saying that the hankerciser Is defective.
Now, i asked francine To do a story About the hankerciser.
Yeah, i know.
Not that i Am accusing her.
But do me a favor.
Ask her snoop around To find out who it is.
Hank.
I don't think She's doing it.
Francine is writing The article.
I knew it.
And she is a judas! What do you expect? You put your fucking name On every other piece of shit That comes down the pike.
This is very Important to me.
Not that that Should concern you.
Oh, no, Of course not.
We must keep the spotlight On the great larry sanders.
So you get your own show, And i get to have dick.
Stick to The issue, hank.
Francine got hurt.
And i have to pay For the fact That you're back With that cunt.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Whoa! What did you Just say? No, i'm sorr-- You didn't say-- You couldn't-- I'm sorry! It's just I think it's that new Hay fever medication.
I-- i-- I think it has Opium in it.
Please, have pity.
I'm-- i'm drowning.
Hank.
Here's your schedule For today.
At a chiropractor? No.
UhRear-ended? No.
You, uh, Slip on the ice? My hankerciser broke, And i pulled my neck.
I am so sorry, hank.
Sweet jesus.
It's a house of cards.
Hank, i'm sure It was my fault.
I think i hooked it Up wrong.
Sorry.
It's fine.
Darlene, What happened? I was rear-ended.
So good to see you.
Honey, you look So bright-eyed And bushy-tailed.
Larry had me believing You were near death.
Hank, i'd like to Talk in your office.
Here, let me-- No.
I'll handle it.
I have a bruise The size of a dinner plate On my right Butt cheek, o.
K.
? This is very Awkward for me, But i have to ask you, Did you warm up Properly Before exercising? Because it does say Quite explicitly-- Well, i've read The manual, hank.
Did you run Any safety tests On that thing? Uh, is this, uh Off the record? Hank, the doorknob Flew off.
It could have Taken off my head.
Do you know how much Money you'd lose If somebody sues you? You're scared, aren't you? I would be, too.
Because sooner or later, Somebody's going To get hurt or maimed Or, god forbid, Killed.
Oh, hank.
Help me.
Help me.
I didn't know.
A guy showed me A thing on paper.
It looked good, And he said I just had to Put my name on it, And, uh I can't find him.
I'm so fucked.
Oh, hank, don't.
Please.
Oh-- hank, i'm still Very sore.
And i swear to god, I had no idea It was defective, And i wouldn't Hurt you Oh.
Hank, i'm not going To write the article.
You're not Toying with me? No.
I swear I won't write it.
But promise me you'll Stop selling that thing.
Thank you.
O.
K.
Thank you very much.
All right.
That's o.
K.
Could you do me One favor? Uh Don't tell larry How fast i buckled.
O.
K.
? No.
This is Between us.
All right.
O.
K.
He started crying? no.
He was crying.
He was-- He buckled that fast? Yes.
What could i do? He's not a bad guy.
No, but jeez.
Would have made A boring article Anyway.
That's great of you Because you could have Really nailed him.
Besides, I'm finishing That article On cellular phones And brain tumors.
Yeah, yeah.
Good.
See you At the house.
O.
K.
Good job.
Yeah.
How's your leg? It should be back To normal soon.
Great.
O.
K.
Bye, larry.
How much time do you think It'll take to heal roughly? If you had to put A time frame on it? [Knocking on door] Not now, hank.
Hi.
Hey, come in.
I just wanted to tell you I had a heart-to-heart Discussion With francine.
Everything is fine.
She has decided Not to write The story.
That's great.
You've got A lovely lady.
You're Very lucky.
I know.
That's how i feel.
I apologize Again For what i said About her.
What did you say? I said, uh Oh, the "cunt" thing? You know what's Probably happened.
You remember The guest hypnotist? Uh-huh.
I think he put some Sort of hex on me.
Yeah, that combined with The hay fever medication Would drive-- I think so.
That's what it is.
Sorry things Didn't work out With the hankerciser.
That's o.
K.
You know These things happen.
Actually, uh I got Something brewing With the, uh, Beretor Electronics people.
Oh, for god's sakes, Hank.
No, no.
Not to worry.
This is proven Technology.
Cellular phones, Baby.
Hank? Yeah.
Sit down.
And i think today is What i consider to be A typical day at the larry sanders show.
Shit