The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e10 Episode Script

Larry's Partner

All right, here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? [Man] In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [Theme playing] [hank] live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests marisa tomei, baseball great pete rose, author anne rice, and me, "hey, now!" hank kingsley.
and now, because only he contains a touch of pure creamery butter, larry sanders! [Applause] Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
All right.
You are so much better Than last night's crowd.
I want to get Right to the jokes.
Air force major general Harold campbell Described president clinton As gay-loving, pot-smoking, And womanizing.
Clinton retaliated By saying, "Well, at least I'm fun to be with.
" [Laughing, cheering] Pepsi is attempting To control the damage Caused by Recent tampering By switching To a brand-new slogan, Which is "diet pepsi-- Even with a syringe, It's just one calorie.
" We have a wonderful show.
My guests tonight Are marisa tomei, Pete rose, And anne rice.
Stay tuned.
We'll be right back.
Do not flip around.
Do not flip around.
What a delight, that marisa.
You were great With marisa tomei.
Oh, come on.
She wasn't wearing Underwear, was she? Ha ha! That shook you up, Didn't it? You were very funny.
Damn right, it shook me up.
I stunk the rest of the show.
Ah, bullshit! Did you see? Yes.
Do you think It was a good show? Yes.
Did you see the monologue? Yeah, i did.
And i laughed Out loud three times.
I did 12 jokes.
I laughed At all 12.
Well, that means She didn't laugh 9 times.
You've got some Messages here for larry? Yes, i do.
Larry, francine called.
She's at your house.
You gave her A key? Would you please? Later.
Your agent Called.
He always calls When i'm on the air.
He'll call you back.
Yeah, he'll call me tomorrow Night when i'm on the air.
Trick him.
Put him through tomorrow.
Do it.
There's a guy here to see you Named stan paxton.
I didn't know who he was, So i told them to have Him wait downstairs.
Your stan paxton? Is it my stan paxton? Who's your Stan paxton? My ex-stand-up partner.
A once-talented nobody Who obviously wants Something from someone.
God, i haven't seen Stan in 15 years.
You want me to kick His parasitic ass Into the street? What is your problem? Sorry.
That's right.
I forgot.
You used to be a bouncer.
That's how i started In show biz.
Sometimes i revert, ok? Could we try not To be so cynical, please? I'm not cynical.
Just once.
Just today.
All right.
Thank you.
Hey, sanders, You asshole! How they hanging, man? Stan.
Hey, larry! Man, how you doing, man? It's great to see you.
It's great To see you, stan.
Jeez, not a day Goes by we don't think, "Hey-- what-- where's stan?" I don't have to wonder What you're doing, man.
I see you on tv every night.
Yeah, i'm doing All right.
Yeah? You look great.
So do you-- A little older maybe.
Turn around, Let me see the ass.
Let me see the-- come on, Let me see the ass.
Really? These are baggie pants.
Ah, it's still killer, though.
You wear it lower these days.
Well, i wear it lower so then-- Because that's Where my belt is.
[Laughs] we're all Getting older, you know? I was jerking off The other day.
Steam came out.
[All laugh] I've had that happen too.
Artie, this is stan-- Stan, artie.
Oh, yeah, hey, i'm a big Admirer of yours, man.
Same here.
Pleasure meeting you, stan.
I'm sorry we don't Have more time, But we've got A very busy schedule-- These are Your offices.
These are your offices In here? Yeah.
I've never met him, But he hasn't changed, Has he? I wish you could See your eyebrows.
They're-- I can't pick up A magazine Without reading Your name these days.
I was just reading About you in the star.
You drink cranberry juice.
I've been reading that.
I know that you Drink cranberry-- Well, stan, i wish We had more time, but-- Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
We do have a busy schedule here.
Sure, no, i understand.
I just came by because i wanted To give you this, larry.
It's a check For $127 That i owe you.
For what? Holiday inn.
You were sleeping.
I took $127 out of your pocket.
That was you? What did you do-- What did you need The money for? I don't know.
Coke, hookers--something.
[Laughs] At least it didn't Go to waste.
[Chuckles] [Stan] I'm sorry, man.
I mean it.
I'm really-- i am sorry.
Hey, listen, i just feel bad For that maid I had fired.
That's right, it was coke.
I was banging that maid-- And oh, don't worry About her, man.
She had the time Of her life.
No wonder our room Was never cleaned on time.
Larry, we really have to keep Moving along here.
We don't want to keep The chrysler people waiting.
Listen, stan.
I can't take this.
I'm doing Pretty good.
I mean, i don't Make letterman money, But you know.
[Hank] Hey, now.
Well, now, that Sounded like you had Tourette's syndrome.
You're right, it was A little too forced, huh? Hank, this is stan.
Stan, hank.
Oh, yeah, stan-- Stan paxton.
It's an honor To meet you.
I love Your work.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'm a big fan of yours-- No.
Oh, yeah.
I still listen to The i'm larry, he's stan Album ever couple of months.
Really? Well, no.
Actually, i lied.
My record player broke During the riots, But is that out on cd, By any chance? Actually-- No, it isn't.
Hank, do you have parting words You'd like to say to stan? [Laughs] Hey, the old partner Meets the new partner.
The ex-partner.
Hank, stan, i've been trying To get larry to this meeting With the chrysler people.
Oh, right, right, right.
Who are we trying to avoid? Hey, uh, we got A lot to talk about.
Come over for dinner.
Dinner? [Crickets chirping] So what have you Been doing Since you quit Doing stand-up? Oh, i've been Working As a temp.
Oh, well, that's-- That's great.
Isn't it, larry? Great.
That is great.
You're lucky you're Not in show business.
Oh, god.
Oh, man.
Well, i'll fax things in Every now and then, You know, to dangerfield Or joan rivers, Just to keep My finger in the pie.
Oh, well, now that is great Because then you have an outlet For the creative, You know, the humor.
I don't know what larry Would do without that Kind of an outlet.
I'd probably temp.
So, stan, you seem happy.
Well, i mean-- You know, after Larry left I-- my life Changed a lot.
I think change can be A very good thing sometimes.
Where-- where's Your bathroom? It's through the kitchen.
It's kind of weird.
You have to-- you know-- All the way through The kitchen, stan.
Hey, that was that one New year's eve, man.
Never let me forget.
[All chuckle] I'm tired of holding This whole conversation.
Would you please Say something? God, what do you Want me to say to a guy Who just says I ruined his life.
That's what he just said.
Why did you invite him Here to dinner? Because i ruined his life, So i figure, oh, i'd better-- Well, don't feel guilty.
He's not Your responsibility.
I don't feel guilty.
You shouldn't.
I just feel So fucking guilty.
I wish there was Something i could do.
Hey, did you find The bathroom, ok? You got a big house.
big house.
[Laughs] We only use two rooms.
They're not all ours.
I noticed.
It's like the shining.
I think i saw scatman crothers In your kitchen burning toast.
[All laugh] Hey, uh, stan What would you, um, Think about maybe Writing on my show? You mean Fax it in? No.
I mean You know, Come down full-time.
I-- something To think about.
That would be Incredible, man.
Um What would it pay? I should have Been at that dinner.
Well, listen, Who knew he'd say yes? Of course he'd say yes.
This show Is the hottest showcase For comedic talent In the universe.
Temp worker, my ass.
He's a stone hustler.
Could we try Not be so cynical? Didn't i ask you yesterday? I'm being realistic, Buddy.
You've just stepped In a huge pile of shit Named stan paxton.
You're tracking it All over my office.
Maybe he'll do a great job, And help out around the show.
If he's so goddamn great, Why did you two break up? Because.
Because? Just because.
Oh, i see-- Creative differences.
There were some creative Differences, that's all.
I don't need any fucking Creative differences In my office! It's our office, artie.
It's your show, It's my office! What are you So upset about? You want to know why, huh? Yeah.
Open or closed? Open.
If you don't mind me asking, Why did you and larry split? Nuh-uh.
Way over the line, jerry.
No, no.
I mean, You know larry.
He's very driven, Ambitious-- Very driven Kind of Yeah.
You got To be, you know, In this business.
I got into this Mainly to get laid.
I think that's what Basically bothered larry Was that i was Getting laid all the time.
Yeah, i know About that one.
Hey-- oh, great.
Five copies.
Thanks, mark.
Yo! Chief.
What happened to The newspapers, magazines You're supposed to get me? I'll have them For you in a half hour.
I've got to get These tapes to editing.
I don't want explanations, man.
Just get me the newspapers.
I need them To write my jokes.
See if eddie can get it.
Put it in your diary, man.
Just get me The newspapers, capisce? Thanks, chief.
Stan, come on.
He's a good kid.
Come on.
He knows I'm just joking.
Anyway, i was balling The chicks everywhere we went.
And larry, basically, Would fall in love everywhere.
I think that's How he met francine.
Oh, it's like A fairy tale.
Yeah, the one About the comic Who comes to town, Fucks the princess.
[Laughs] Well, the water here In los angeles is so bad, The lead content Is so high, That it was announced today A baby was born In los angeles hospital Who weighed 7,000 pounds.
[Audience laughing] Yeah.
He sold it.
He sold it well He should give the crowd A fucking receipt.
Fuck me.
You called? He tells one Lousy joke of mine And stumbles On lech walesa's name.
It's hard To pronounce.
Yeah, right.
He skipped Another of my jokes.
What are you saving it for, Larry, the tonys? Look at that, look at that! He just shook off The cue-card guy.
Don't touch The monitor, sir.
I mean, who do i blow Around here to get my jokes on? [Both] Me.
Stan, Do me a favor.
Shut the fuck up.
Thank you.
A new study shows Americans eat 20 pounds Of candy per year.
Does that sound right To you, hank? Drinking during the monologue At my fucking monitor.
You're kidding.
Are you positive? I could smell it In his coffee-- Some kind of cheap, Domestic plain-wrapped vodka.
Well, maybe that smell Was that boom operator.
Ah, hell, i fired His sorry ass months ago.
I won't Tolerate alcohol In my office.
You have alcohol In your office.
That's For weekends.
I'll talk to stan.
I got to piss.
I've got to go alone.
I've got to clear My head, all right? I'll just hang here By the door Like some Crapper gargoyle.
Hey, we were just Talking about you.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hey, can i Talk to you a second? Yeah, i actually Want to talk to you, man.
I mean, why aren't you Doing my stuff? What? Are you joking? I did the-- i did The lech walesa joke.
Oh, now you can Say his name.
Oh, jesus, stan, You haven't changed at all.
You know that? I just think, If this is one of these Things where you hired me Because you Feel sorry for me-- I didn't hire you Because i feel Sorry for you.
I hired you because you happen To be a very good writer, And this is A professional situation.
Yeah? Are you drinking? Because i smell alcohol in here And it just smells like-- You're in a bathroom.
You smell disinfectant And urine.
How come i smell it On your breath? Come on, larry.
Let's not Start this now, please.
I have my own problems.
Those guys are burying My jokes, man.
What guys are Burying your jokes? Frick and frack, Out there.
It would be A lot nicer If i could Bring the stuff Directly to you.
You know the difference Between the good stuff And the bad stuff, man.
You want to bring The stuff to me? Yes.
Look, stan, you want to Bring the stuff Directly to me? Bring it directly to me, ok? I'll take a look at it In my office.
You don't Have to go through The other guys.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Anything else? What is this, Your office, fonzie? [Laughs] [Chuckles] Fuck me.
Someone just Fuck me right now.
So, while you're eating, You and your food Are going on an adventure.
That's great, hank.
'Cause you know There's nothing i like better After a big meal Than spinning around Till i puke.
[Laughing] Stop.
Larry investing in this? Larry-- larry is going to be An honorary silent partner.
You think you can handle it? You know, stan, I know you don't have, uh-- Much discretionary income, But i just Want you to know, That you're always Going to have a table Waiting for you At hank's look-around cafe.
So you-- go ahead.
You can just-- You know, Which one do you want? There's-- One what? Uh, table.
Ok, i'll, um-- I'll take this one.
[Laughing] You still got it, Stan paxton.
Hey, do you know My favorite bit That you and larry Used to do? The man on the street Versus-- not versus-- The man on the street meets-- Meets the man on the moon.
Listen, i hate to ask you.
Can you do a little Of that for me now? Can you? Hank, that'd be like me Asking you to say "hey, now.
" Ok.
Hey, now.
Please? Please, come on.
Come on, it'd really Make my day.
And go ahead, I'll do it with you.
'Cause i know it Word for word.
Yeah? Yeah.
I-- i really like you, Stan paxton.
Thanks, hank.
You don't help Alcoholics By giving them Everything they want.
I don't give him Everything he wants.
Why can't you Confront people? I don't want To discuss that.
What did you say To stan when you broke up The act 15 years ago? I said, uh-- It was 15 years ago.
Did you tell him The problem was The drinking? Did you? No, i don't recall.
Maybe if you'd Told him that back then, They maybe today Stan would be hank.
That's horrible thing to say.
I wouldn't wish That on anybody.
Look, just don't fire him And make up Some bullshit excuse.
You owe it to him To be honest.
You're right.
Okay? You're right.
Oh, these beauties Are perfectly Medium-rare, Except for yours, lar, Which is burnt-- Well-done.
Fucking crime to-- You don't ruin A beautiful Piece of meat.
Artie, i'm firing Stan tomorrow.
I've made up my mind.
Giving A guy like that Everything he wants Is not helping him.
I don't give him Everything he wants.
Where is the beer? There's some In the kitchen.
Sid, you got to change "Hose" to "house.
" That's "clinton White house.
" If it's "white hose," It sounds like stockings That hillary wears Or something like that.
Anybody can make a mistake.
Just change it back.
Why haven't i seen Half of these jokes? Huh? These are stan's.
Stan submit-- Do you want me To tell you? Stan submitted Some directly to my office.
Has-- has there been A change in procedure? There's no change In procedure.
Could i get a moment Later to talk to you about him? Yeah, you can talk To me later about him.
This should be "house.
" Do you read These things before You copy them or what? Will this be Ready by the time The show goes on? Stan, i talked to him about The jokes, it's taken care of.
I will talk to you About this later.
Can we talk For a second? Sure, larry.
Ok, great.
Let's go over here.
Listen, Could you guys Give us Some space here? I, uh-- i want to Tell you something.
Can i say something? Thank you For having me Do this job.
It means a lot to me.
You don't know how great it is To just be writing jokes For real people Instead of telling them To a waitress someplace.
Thank you, larry.
Listen, your jokes Have been just hilarious.
Really, just hilarious.
There are a couple Other things, though, That i think are Getting in the way Of, you know, Your job here.
Oh, wait.
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, this is the kiss-off.
Oh, i get it.
"Your jokes are Hilarious, but you're fired.
" I expected More from you.
This is not A kiss-off.
Your jokes Are great, ok? They're just-- they're not All in my voice.
They're more Your point of view.
They'd be hilarious If you said them, But there's A bigger issue.
Well, then-- The big issue-- Let me do them On the show.
Let me go On the show and do them.
What are you Talking about? You know i'd be great.
Put me on the show, man.
Come on, you haven't Been onstage in what-- You owe me this one, Larry.
Come on.
You know that.
You owe me this one.
Stan, there's A whole procedure With tapes.
The talent coordinators Have to see the tapes.
I've got tapes.
I've got tapes coming Out of my asshole.
You want a tape? I got a tape.
I'll go get you a tape.
I'll go get you a tape.
I'll get tapes.
speaking of rehab, i was down in bakersfield.
is that strange or what? i mean, it's such a boring, boring place.
i mean, once you've masturbated, you've pretty much shot the day.
that's-- that's about it.
david koresh--the guy down at waco, texas-- it turns out he was obsessed with madonna.
i guess that guy was off his rocker after all.
[Turns off tv] All right, An honest assessment? Well, my guess it that tape Did come out of his ass.
Phil? [Scoffs] He's your friend.
Come on.
He blows.
I mean, but he almost Made abortion funny.
He looked good.
What about the act? It's about Five minutes too long.
That's all he did Was five minutes.
I should've fired him.
At least when i fire Somebody, they don't End up on the show The next night.
Look, is he really that bad? Larry, you want To put him on? We'll put him on At 12:25.
Who the fuck Watches then? That's true, And we've had Worse comics Than this on.
Like who? Gallagher.
We haven't Had gallagher on, But there's A perfect example.
Fuck it.
Let's put him on.
Come on.
All right.
We can't put him on.
Damn right we can't.
Stan? Stan? [Bottle clatters] Hey, larry.
What the fuck Are you doing, man? I guess i'm A little nervous About being On the show.
You know what? We're all A little nervous About you Being on the show.
I saw the tape And you've got nothing To be nervous about.
It's very, Very funny stuff.
Thanks, hank.
He's great-- hank.
I've gone onstage Like this 100 times.
You remember.
Yeah, i remember.
I remember you tripping Over the mike stand, Insulting people In the audience, And just Generally sucking.
We can go back and forth On this all night.
I have a show To do right now.
No, you don't.
Oh, wonderful.
We're going to Start this now? Stan, you're not going on In this condition.
Give me One good reason.
You want A good reason? One good reason.
Because you're Fucking drunk, stan.
The same way you were That's why i left.
Ok? [Scoffs] Let's talk about this later.
I have a show to do.
No, you don't.
You're not going on like this.
You need help.
Get help, come back, And you can do The show, all right? Fuck you! Fuck you, stan.
[Woman] Good morning, larry.
Good morning.
Beverly, did we, Uh, get clearance On the schwarzenegger Footage? I don't know.
I'll check.
I feel great today, I've got to tell you.
I feel like A whole weight's Been lifted off My shoulders.
Have you spoken To arthur yet today? No.
About Let me get arthur.
Good, you're Sitting down.
What? No on the schwarzenegger Footage? Ah, fuck it, we'll use-- I've got some bad news About stan.
What, he's on arsenio this week? They found him In his car.
What do you mean, They found him? He was shot.
What, a carjacking? No, larry.
He shot himself.
They found a gun In his hand.
Is he, uh No, he even bungled that.
He missed.
He shot off the top Of his left ear.
[Snickers] My god, my god, My god.
Stan killed himself.
He didn't Kill himself.
He just fucked up His left ear.
No, no, no.
I have friends At memorial hospital.
And he had a shotgun.
He put a shotgun in his mouth And he pulled the trigger.
Why would anybody do Anything like that? Bullshit! It was his ear.
I have friends.
What friends? Excuse me.
Larry, stan's On the phone.
[Hank] I don't think so.
How is he? He's calling From the hospital.
This is A horrible trick.
What line? Two.
Stan? I don't think so.
He's talking To him, hank.
Maybe yes, maybe no.
Would you keep it Down, please? Stan, how are you? Yeah.
Hey, listen.
I-- I'm glad we had That talk, too.
Well, That's great.
Well, i guess you Could fax them right here.
Hey, I'm going to come See you tomorrow.
What? Health plan? I don't know.
Hold on.
Don't you Have to be working Longer than three days To qualify for the health plan? I don't know.
Artie! No health plan! [Door slams] Uh, stan, i guess There's some procedure.