The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e07 Episode Script

Office Romance

Hank: i'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Applause] All right.
Now, remember, You're all a big part Of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me the sign, And it says we're on In 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
All right.
Here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? In 5, 4, 3, 2 [Music playing] Hank: live on tape From hollywood the larry sanders show.
Tonight, join larry And his guests, Mel gibson, ellen degeneres, Wolfgang puck, And me-- "Hey now" hank kingsley.
And now, because he's Better looking than i am, Larry sanders! [Applause] Thank you very much.
[Applause continues] Well, let's get Right to it.
Thank you.
What a good crowd.
[Applause continues] Thank you very much.
[Applause continues] Well, let's get Right to the news.
Denny's is in trouble again.
This time, 2 men Are suing denny's For $50 million, saying That denny's discriminates Against ethnic minorities.
The charges were Immediately denied By denny's grand Imperial wizard.
[Laughter] John wayne bobbitt has Settled a paternity suit By admitting That he is indeed the Father of a new baby, And just to show there Are no hard feelings, Ex-wife lorena has offered To do the circumcision.
[Laughter] Former price is right Supermodel diane parkinson Of course, is suing For sexual harassment.
Barker denies the charges, Saying he's been spayed And neutered since '89.
[Laughter and applause] Darlene: Good show tonight, larry.
Thanks, uh, darlene.
What are you Still doing here? It's almost 9:00.
My car broke down, But the cab will Be here soon.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Larry? Beverly said That you were going On the annual staff Retreat this weekend.
It's gonna be Great this year Because, instead of Big bus.
Really? Well, I don't go on those-- I mean, retreats.
Buses, i drove one in This morning.
I have a lot of new buses.
You know, i'm doing really well.
You said you weren't Coming last year, And you ended up Winning the sack race.
Well, you know, I'd do anything to Win the sack race.
[Laughs lightly] Well, good night, And, uh Good.
[Sighs] Darlene, i'm just On my way out, If you'd like me To drop you off.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That would be great.
Thank you.
Where do you live? UmOh, i have to Go by hank's restaurant And drop off His reading glasses.
Well, i can drop you Off around the corner So he doesn't see me, ok? You and hank have Such a cute relationship.
Yeah, i know, But i'll just drop you Off around the corner So he doesn't see me.
Is that all right? Yeah.
[Laughs] You didn't have to Walk in with me, larry.
Well, no, i didn't, But i'm happy to.
Oh Hank, Look who's here.
God No! My god! Don't make a big deal.
It's just that You wouldn't Believe-- You've come on-- Thank you for Coming.
You've come on The worst night.
The floor Isn't rotating.
Oh, you would Never know.
No, you would, Because you see, The tables Would be moving.
They're working on it Right now, but the-- Couple of rats got Caught in the mechanism.
Oh! Sorry To hear it.
Oh, poor things! Yeah.
You're gonna Stay for supper.
Oh, uh, no.
Do you have His glasses? Oh! We just-- You are gonna stay For supper.
I'm telling you, we got Flash-frozen salmon And it's on me.
Come on.
I--i can't.
Come on.
I just can't.
Please stay.
Great! I'll go change.
Since i'm here.
I just gotta ask you A question.
I hope you Don't mind.
Is this the first Time you've given Darlene a ride? [Moving floor Mechanism starts up] Oh! Uh How long before I come back around? [Knock on door] Good morning.
There's a change of plans For the weekend, my boy.
The staff retreat will Be held at calico ranch Down in glorious San diego.
Oh, it doesn't Matter.
I'm not going Anyway.
Well, if you really Mean it this time, I'll cancel the ranch.
And the rest of us can sit In a sensory deprivation tank And see who takes A shit first.
I drove darlene home Last night.
What? I didn't say anything.
I drove phil home once.
It meant nothing.
Listen to this.
In her Apartment, darlene has This huge collection Of primitive dolls From mexico, africa.
They're all over The place.
You feel like You're sitting in the Gift shop of the u.
Yeah? She said she keeps One of the big dolls In the passenger seat Next to her when She drives.
So she has someone to Talk to in heavy traffic? I believe it's So she can use The diamond lane.
Heh heh! A thousand bucks says This means big trouble.
Well, you're on.
This is gonna screw up The office dynamics Way into the next century.
No, it isn't.
No, it isn't.
Everything's gonna Be fine.
This is not gonna be Any trouble at all.
She believes in Tantric sex.
Do you Believe that? Let's make it 1,500.
What the hell Is "tantric sex"? Well, we didn't Do anything.
But she says that Tantric sex is, uh When the man Holds back his orgasm So that, uh I guess you could just Keep going forever.
Make it an even 2,000.
I've never been so Turned on in my life.
Oh, me neither.
This is the easiest 2,500 I've ever made.
Larry, she probably Let you take her home Because she was Afraid to say no.
You are the boss.
I don't believe you're So uptight about it.
Because you made the Same mistake with me.
I thought we agreed Never to talk about That again.
Yes, we did.
Well, good.
Because it was A mistake.
And now you're Making another mistake.
So i guess i should just Go over there and tell Paula to watch out, 'Cause mr.
Sanders Is workin' his way Through the office.
All i did was take Her over to hank's.
Then i took her home.
Then i drove home.
Then i got up This morning, And i drove here.
And now i'm here getting Shit for i don't know what.
Are we up to date? Can i tell you something? It ain't dipped in gold.
Beg your pardon? What's not Dipped in gold? I don't know.
She says that's Not dipped in gold.
Like i'm supposed to Know what that means.
UmI wanna Nuke my muffin.
I just got Another maybe minute.
Why don't you come back? Can i ask you a question? Can i? How would you feel If i-- You're not going to Go and come back, Are you? Well, i just want to Ask you-- You can wait.
How would you feel if I started dating beverly? I would say that is Your business.
It is your life.
Well, i'm not into Interracial dating, 'Cause it just, uh UmNever works.
I mean, sex is good, But in the morning, The cultural Differences start to Rear their ugly heads.
I believe that Cultural differences Would happen with you And any woman.
It'll be just Another minute.
If you can Just wait.
Why don't you Go and come back? Well, here's What i say To people who are Actively pursuing Darlene.
Of course, i would Never say this To you.
Back off.
Back off, jack.
How old are you? I tell people i'm 39.
Well, let me say Something to you.
Nothing is going on With me and darlene, So you have nothing To worry about, ok? Ok.
No problem.
Thank you.
Aren't you gonna Heat your muffin? Oh, you'd like that, Wouldn't you? [Ding] Oh, hi, darlene.
Hi, larry.
[Laughs lightly] Thanks again for The ride last night.
Oh! You're welcome.
You know, i've learned The hard way, darlene, That office Relationships are Inappropriate and, uh Screw him.
It's not like It's a dog or-- No.
It's-- Congratulations, Darlene, and, uh Good luck.
I mean, larry is A wonderful guy, And he's kind, Funny, rich-- My god, he's the boss.
I would date him If i could.
[Turns hand vac off] Hank, What i do in The elevator Is my business.
[Restarts hand vac] Come on, now.
Don't get me wrong.
[Turns hand vac off] I'm just--i'm just Looking out for you.
It's nice of you To look out for me, Hank, but-- What does larry say About me? What? I mean, does he Say anything good? Because it would be Really nice to hear-- Or anything bad.
Does he--does he Say bad things? He didn't say anything.
[Chuckles] How about the time Tipper gore complained About my breath? Because i think Larry was a little Pissed about that.
But my god.
I-- I had an infection.
Excuse me.
What is going on? Nothing, phil! Did you guys fuck between The 9th and 10th floor? Your mouth.
I want to know What's going on.
I mean, i know what i Saw, but what's really Going on here, darlene? You never said We had an exclusive-- You never said You were gonna start Dating the boss.
All he did Was drive me home, And we kissed once.
And so what if i do start Dating him? So what?! It's fine.
It's just that I didn't know You were gonna be Such an opportunist.
I mean, first me, Then larry.
Next week it'll Be bill clinton and Who else, hillary? Brava! You are A natural! Ha ha! But, you know When you're Doing a sketch, You wanna be bigger.
You want to hit Harder.
It's much Funnier that way.
That is funnier.
First of all, This hat's too loose.
Too loose! Is there someone in there? I don't believe so.
What are you doing there? I've been looking at The sharper image catalog To see how to Spend your money.
Here for 3 grand is A global satellite locator.
If you're bombed one night, You can find out where you-- Where is everybody? 'Cause we gotta-- I believe they're still Standing by the elevator, Frozen in shock and amazement.
All right.
Well, This needs a lot Of punching up.
[British accent] "Hello, mum, hello.
" That's funny.
"How about--" "Hello, hello.
" That's funny.
That's funny? Yes.
That's funny to you? I need to Talk to you.
Hank, we're busy now.
We're punching up.
Hank, if this is what I think it is, Just, please, you know, What i do in the office Is my business.
Yes, and you're Entitled to that.
What i wanted to Talk to you about Was not about This gentleman And darlene.
It's about Darlene and phil.
They're way Out of control.
[Sighs] You--oh, forget i Even mentioned it.
Oh! What Is he saying? Darlene was Dating phil? It would appear so.
You think these jet skis Are hard to learn? Hey-- How long has Darlene Been dating Phil? "Clinton is in deep Trouble with whitewater.
Remember the days when He was only in trouble With white women?" Ok.
Ok, um, uh It's an ok joke Or ok, you wanna do it? Both.
"Researchers have Identified a gene "That may cause Asthma and hayfever.
Sadly, it turned out To be gene rayburn.
" Ok? Ok.
"It was an Embarrassing--" Hey, larry.
Hey, bob.
How are you Doin', man? Hey, good to See you.
Good to see you, Too.
Hey, man.
I'm bob.
I play danny on the Hit show full house.
I'm phil.
Nice to Meet you, man.
Well, how are you Doin', bob? How's, uh, sherri? Sherri's great.
Kids are good.
How about you? Are you seeing Anybody new? Yeah.
[Phil clears his throat] UhWhy don't we go Double-check the cards, sid? It's him, isn't it? There's somebody in The office that i like, And i don't know What to do about it.
Office romance.
That's a bad idea.
It's bad news.
Doesn't work.
I've been In that situation.
With the olsen twins? Man: 5, 4, 3, 2 [Theme music starts] It is him, isn't it? It's him.
You want diet? Yes.
Why do you want to Have dinner with me? I want to get to know The real paula.
Why? [Soda can is dispensed] I like your new hair.
I thought you said It made me look like Pat benatar's Shorter, fatter sister.
No, i said "cuter.
" Hmm.
Well, that's very, very Flattering, you know, 'Cause cuteness has Always been a top Priority with me.
Ah, touché! [Both laugh] See? We have a natural Banter going already.
It's gonna be fun! Ok.
What the hell? It's just dinner.
[Inhales deeply] Actually Never mind.
What? I was gonna ask You out eventually.
Really? I have to go Get the phone.
Didn't you know that Phil and i have been Going out for a month? No.
Remember that guy I told you I was seeing Who i thought Could speak french, And then i found Out it was just all Made-up words? That was phil?! I'm sorry.
I thought you knew.
So he just asked me out To piss you off.
Paula, if i had known I'm sorry.
I have to go Get the phone.
I remember that show.
'Cause they knew it was Gonna die, so they put that On the very beginning Of it: "the show not To be on long with bob.
" And it was actually Not a bad show, But this exec at cbs I don't think liked me, 'Cause my contention Was that he took All of his advice From his toupee.
From his toupee? Yeah.
It was like, He would go, "Should we keep saget?" And he'd be like that.
Like, should we get rid Of cagney and lacey? He'd be like that.
You know.
[Laughs] And then i think he'd Just go home with it, And it'd be, like, Sitting across from it: "Some more wine?" It was like thing, You know? Wow! Then he'd go home and It would jump on his lap, And he was happy.
[Audience laughs] You don't break up With someone And ask someone new Out the same day.
You were the one Who broke up with me.
Now i'm doubly screwed Because i went a whole Month without having An orgasm.
Well, guess what.
So did i.
Well, that's The point, right? Hey! Sorry.
I know you Want to hurt me, But dating one of My best friends Is really low.
You and paula are Not best friends.
You're girls.
Go fry an egg.
Ouch! This relationship Can't go any further.
I know.
I agree.
It is making everything Really confusing, And, um, i mean, There's another solution.
One of us could quit.
[Both laugh] I could never Leave hank.
UhArtie's Looking for you.
[Clears throat] Congratulations Again, darlene.
Thank you.
Gee, that's great.
Next? Ahem! Ooh-ee! [Coin drops] I waited as long as i could, But i really need a coke.
[Bang] [Bang] [Knocks] Beverly.
Beverly? Did you see beverly? No.
Well, i don't have The key to my office.
Where is she? I don't know.
She ran in and said, "Twice in one day is Two times too many," And ran out.
Where's arthur? I don't know.
Well, would-- Would--what? Here's the celebrity Dog-walker sketch That you wanted.
Ok, good.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Paula: hey, phil.
Look at this Fancy keychain I just got.
It's got A flashlight, Compass, stopwatch.
I can do anything With this.
I got to get the phone.
[Ding] Oh, larry! I can take the stairs If you don't want People to see us Leaving together.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's fine.
Well Which one of these Do you like the most? Oh.
This one.
Me, too.
Darlene, we can't Let things go on Like this, Because it is Really getting Messy out there.
I'm serious.
She's not My type.
Really? What don't you like? The blond hair? Big breasts? You know, She's not a thinker.
[Crying quietly] You know, i'm sorry to Hear that, darlene.
Who's next? Good morning, paula.
Good morning.
You know, You should have kept jerry And fired phil for Being a lying prick.
Larry, i just Want to say That paula has Threatened me with Physical violence, And if something Is to happen To me here, I will sue the Show.
I want you To know that.
Uh, you know, I'm gonna fire One of these idiots.
Which one? You know, you're right.
Both of 'em.
Both of Those idiots.
Maybe 3? Yeah.
Maybe 4.
I quit.
Heh! You want your money In cash or a check? Well, you'll be Getting the bill from The browning dealer For this sweetheart.
Hey, look at this.
Ah! What a beauty.
Engraving by angelo b.
I'll pay the extra grand.
What do you think? Load it.
Come on! Let's go, People! 5 minutes! Bus is waiting.
Sixth annual larry sanders Annual retreat! Fun and sunIn the sun.
Come on, let's go, Let's go, let's go! Come on! Grab a bus, buddy.
Heeeeere's larry.
This is gonna be One fun weekend.
I must say, they Brought it on themselves.
Yes, they did.
Serves 'em all right.
It sure does.
Oh, artie, i got us Adjoining cabins.
Well, i thought We agreed that our Evening of bliss Was an event Best not repeated.
Well, you picked a fine Time to tell me this.
And it was 3 evenings.
I want my money back.