The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e12 Episode Script

Doubt of the Benefit

The national Cancer committee-- Their benefit's On the ninth At the bel air hotel.
Ok, i'll do that one.
My grandmother had that.
The los angeles diabetes fund Annual dinner, the 28th.
Yeah, that one, too.
I had an aunt Who had that.
The center For heart disease, Emcee and perform.
I'll do that because My uncle had that.
Am i going too fast? No, i'm just starting to realize I have about 6 months to live.
The young men's christian Association barbecue, Emcee and take part In the celebrity Three-legged race.
Boy, i did that one Last year.
I dragged joel grey About 20 yards Before i realized He'd fallen down.
Talented man.
Father of actress Jennifer grey.
Yes, but this year You'll be partnered With molly ringwald.
Is she's athletic? I don't think so.
He can't do them All, beverly.
Can't do them all.
Ok, scheduling conflict? Yeah, say that.
I've decided I won't do benefits Unless i they're for a cause I really believe in, Or something i want To get involved with.
Since when? Personal decision I've made.
When? Years ago, But it's time I start Sticking to it.
I applaud you, sir.
Charity begins at home, Except in hollywood Where it begins At 7 pm every night In every fucking Hotel ballroom in town.
Well, if i were you, I'd think about doing This one for glaucoma.
It's in new york.
They're offering airfare, A suite at the waldorf, And a whole lot of money.
This is about my personal Beliefs, not money.
The disabled Voters coalition.
When? Where? How much? The 10th in santa monica, And they'll pay you $2,500.
What, are they kidding? No, that's what it says.
All right, call them.
Tell them maybe If they send a helicopter.
Otherwise, no dice.
Next? Sickle cell anemia, Dallas on the 20th, I think paul anka Did them last year.
So call, Find how much he made, Make sure i get the same Plus 5%.
And, of course, the-- [Whistles] Oh, helicopter.
Oh, wait, hank.
That's a conflict.
You have alzheimer's On the 20th.
Now, how much Do they pay? Uh, 5,000.
And the other people? Good-bye, alzheimer's.
Hank, you've Done alzheimer's The last 5 years.
You want to cancel Because of money? For your information, Miss smarty-pants, I've been thinking About dropping alzheimer's.
Where's the cure? How do we look? You're totally booked Through october.
All right.
And i'm still trying To get a firm date For the international Council For blood disease Weekend in puerto rico.
Yes! Firm date, get it! Puerto rico! The sun, the fun, The beach, the gambling Mm-hmm.
Feels good helping People, doesn't it? Yes, sir.
Now, get on the phone.
Make sure you get me Something for this saturday.
Oh, and, um Darlene, remember.
Oh, right, uh Nothing contagious.
[Door opens] Oh, pardon.
I see you're Giving your eyes A cool cucumber rest.
Yes, i am.
You deserve it, My boy.
Thank you.
But could you interrupt The interlude for a mo And take a stroll down To the stage? It's gaffer glen's First day back After they've Reattached his thumb.
I don't really know Gaffer glen.
There's cake.
I should take A look at his thumb.
Did they do a nice job? Fan-fucking-tastic.
Any other details? He should regain Full flexibility.
No, i mean About the cake.
Mocha frosting.
Mm-hmm! Paula has some news You'll just love.
I just got the word.
Rob reiner's Doing our show.
Oh, great.
That is great news.
How many times Have i said We should have Rob reiner? Who's got time To count? He has an aversion To doing talk shows, But made an exception.
Terrific! Good! And your hair's The same color As last week.
That's good.
Thank you.
There you go, artie.
Rob reiner.
Rob reiner it is! That's the kind Of guest we need.
Adds depth, Sets a tone Tone, it does.
I loved meathead.
Yeah, This is perfect.
We need this Kind of guest All the time-- Smart, interesting, Someone intelligent.
Sounds like Heap big fun.
Why aren't You more excited About rob reiner? I loved a few good men As well as anyone, But since Becoming a director, He's become serious.
You know, that happens To creative geniuses, To all except My good friend Professor irwin corey.
Who we can Have on again As often As you want.
I'll make a note.
Don't mime.
Ok, sorry.
I heard spinal tap Was almost all improvised.
I'm gonna ask him About that.
I'll be so entertained.
You'll be able To tell There's no head On the horse.
It's gonna look stupid.
No, i asked props For heads and lassos.
All we need Is some range.
You know, Some sound.
[Whinny] Whoa, boy.
This mike ditka Question-- I'll ask About his new cat? No, his new car.
This is a "t.
" No, it doesn't Make sense-- "Driving your new cat down The santa monica freeway.
" I thought it Said chasing.
It says driving? Buckaroo, Let's have the sketch.
I'm ready, But we can't do it Without hank.
Where's hank? I'll find him.
I don't get The sidesaddle joke.
My balls are Killing me.
If we don't-- Ice! Thank you.
Larry, could You sign this? So you know, I just got A call From the national Association For nerve deafness.
Their fund-raiser's Saturday.
Rob reiner's On their board, And he suggested Your name.
Rob reiner did? Yes, he did.
That's great! You got to do that one.
For nerve deafness.
Yes? What about it? I'm supposed to do Some benefit For nerve deafness Saturday? Oh, jump on it.
Good cause.
Good people.
Great caterer.
Piece of advice-- They'll send a town car If you don't specify Stretch limo.
Other than that, Primo.
It's a good cause, But i do benefits For the right reasons.
Just pass.
Ok, lar.
There goes mr.
I can see roberino Disappearing Into the clouds right now.
What Do you think? He's not gonna do the show Unless i do the benefit? Oh, shit, larry, This is hollywood.
One hand washes the other.
Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
You know, Tit for tat.
Done with Your metaphors? mas o menos, hombre.
It's an irrefutable fact.
When somebody like Rob reiner gives you a call, You do it.
Right, hank? That's right.
Who are you, Big chief lenscrafters? I don't think Indians had glasses, And aren't you gonna Wear facial paint? Yeah, but this Is a rehearsal.
Yeah, but still.
So you got to Wear face paint.
Makeup! You're making A big, big mistake.
Face paint Isn't important? I'm talking About rob reiner.
You want to know Something? I think rob reiner's A bigger man Than you think.
And i am going to put My faith this time In another human being.
Sometimes you act like You've been in the business For 2 days.
Thank you.
I'll take that As a compliment.
Just believe.
He'll be here.
Ok, are we ready To do this? We need hank.
Come on, phil! Where is he? Shit.
Too much.
It looks like One of those Stage productions Of cats.
Makeup! We'll get letters.
It's not authentic.
You want to take five? Vinnie, where's k.
? [Whispers] Huh? Ice! Props, ice! For larry's balls! Now, you see This sign up here? That says "applesauce.
" [Laughter] No, it says "applause.
" [Scattered applause] Whoa! You got excited For a second, Didn't you, sir? Not a shy eater, Are you? You know what they say About this guy.
When he sits Around the house Hank, what's wrong? I've been looking For you for 45 minutes.
Where have you been? I was with my aromatherapist.
Never mind.
This saturday night, Nerve deafness, They need an emcee.
Larry passed.
And tell them i have Some nerve deafness.
Hank, that's so sad.
I really don't have Nerve deafness.
I know.
That's what's so sad.
Just make the call.
He sits around the house.
[Laughter] Ho! That is A lovely dress, madam.
Somewhere, there's A winnebago without drapes.
[Laughter] "A new study shows that Over 1.
6 million children "Ages 5-14 are left Home alone each day.
Boy, finally Some good news For michael jackson.
" Hoo.
Is it last january Already? No.
It sounds like it From that joke.
I thought we were doing A best of larry.
Can we class up The monologue? We've got Rob reiner on tonight.
We haven't had Luck with class.
God knows We've tried.
Hey, what if you do it A british accent? [With accent] A study shows-- Rob reiner canceled.
His office Just called.
Man, 30 minutes to air And that asshole cancels.
He's an asshole.
He's a fucker.
Are you ok? Let me guess The excuse.
Cold? No.
Family emergency? No.
Bad sprain.
Ankle? Getting warmer.
Getting out of shower? No, coming down the stairs On the way here.
How cinematic! I can almost See him falling.
That's what makes him A genius.
This sucks, man.
I'm getting a job At the gap.
I'm selling socks From now on.
Man, what a goddamn Disappointment, artie.
And people wonder why I'm a cynical asshole.
No, they don't.
Who will replace him? The second you canceled The reiner benefit, I booked our old pal Richard belzer as backup.
Richard, come on in.
We're singing Your praises.
* Richard belzer Is wonderful * Hey, larry.
Richard, how are you? How are you? Good to see you.
Thank you.
Isn't larry Lovely tonight? He does look lovely.
I wish i had some flowers And candy to give him.
So, what's the story? You guys rousted me Out of bed Because pauly shore Wasn't available? Hey, hey.
We are thrilled To have you.
Hey, overjoyed.
Fuckin' a.
I know why i'm here, So you guys can drop The pretense.
Reiner cancelled, right? Let me tell you something.
We're the lucky ones, Because this is an Entertainment show, And you happen to be A really funny guy, And we're thrilled You're here.
Reiner was a risk We couldn't afford.
That's great.
Your dressing room Is just down the hall.
We've got a lovely Fruit plate waiting there.
And if you're a fan Of kiwi, as i am, You're going to have A double-special treat! I'll do the show, larry.
You know i'll be good, But you and i both know What this is all about, Don't we? Yeah.
You're Replacing reiner.
I don't like kiwi.
Oh, sayib, I should have known! We've got a mango Flying in, chop-chop.
You know Ever since He's done homicide, That guy's attitude Has really changed.
You know that? Have you noticed? I mean, these stand-up comics Who think they're Fucking actors Make me sick.
You're absolutely Correct.
No, why don't you tell them Why i'm here? I don't know.
Go ahead, tell them.
The reason i'm here-- Is this my camera? Is because rob reiner Crapped out At the last minute, So they call me.
Speaking of him, Did you know That spinal tap was Mostly improvised? Did you know that? Really? And what do you think I'm doing now? I'm making this up.
Did not know that.
I am improvising.
And you're not whipping yourself Into a frenzy over that.
Rob reiner's a genius? And i'm here.
It'll sink in.
I'll whip myself Tomorrow.
We'll be right back With more.
No flipping.
[Applause] I'm gonna Take this with me.
I collect mugs From all over the world.
Uh, no.
Those-- Why not? Show policy.
Those aren't For taking.
You'll have security Stop me on the way out? Just don't take the ones With the pictures.
Your picture? Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
[Hank] I'll get you another.
You know, uh Reiner screwed us, And it's all i can Think about out there.
How's the show? Great.
How's the audience? It's a little too warm In the studio.
You're fabulous! You think so? Yes, sir.
You're sure? How much Time is left? What's wrong With the human race? I think that every time I watch that america's funniest people.
That just about Breaks your spirit.
Excuse me.
Larry, you still Want the vitamin b? Yeah.
Remember, Don't chew them.
Let them dissolve Under your tongue.
I'll do that benefit Tomorrow night.
Would you call them And tell them i'm in.
They can't bring You back now, buddy.
Too little, too late.
I don't want To bring him back.
I'll rub his face In it, artie.
You know that? I'll look like The bigger man, Make him feel like shit.
You're a bigger man Than i am, gunga din.
a few good men Want a good Courtroom movie? caine mutiny.
Yeah, bogey with The steel balls.
You mean they decided To go with larry? They decided To go with larry.
I know what You mean, darlene, But larry was out, Then i'm in.
Larry's back in What is wrong with mankind? I ask you.
Electromagnetic fields.
Please be quiet.
Please be quiet.
What makes me very sad-- What makes me very, very sad Is that this event Is supposed to be About helping people.
Now they turn this Into a circus.
It's about, "Oh, let's just get The biggest star we can find.
" That's what this is about.
The world makes me sad.
What the-- what? Sad.
These people should be Focused on the disease, Finding a cure, Helping the kids.
The little ones, They're the ones That get hurt here.
They're the victims Of this sickness, This awful What is it? Nerve deafness.
Nerve deafness.
Do kids get that? I don't know.
Let's say, For the sake of my argument, That they get that.
I'm not angry for me Right now.
I'm angry for them.
They need help, And now i cannot help.
You can still help, hank.
The organizers Felt awful And offered a seat At the head table.
Oh, nerve deafness this.
How many people-- Famous people-- Went number 2 tonight? You don't Have to tell me.
[Toilet flushes] I'm just kidding.
Hey, rob.
Oh, hey, larry, How you doing? Good.
Nice to see you.
Thanks so much For helping us Out tonight.
I'm glad I could do it.
I feel terrible I had to cancel.
Don't worry.
It's forgotten.
I'm just glad i could Be here for you tonight.
Also, i hope Your ankle's ok.
Oh, yeah, it's fine.
It's just i got A half-cast here, And it's a little itchy, But not all that painful.
That's a cast? Yeah, a half-cast.
I can walk around, It's just a little Cumbersome.
You really Hurt your ankle, huh? What? Huh? You really hurt yourReally.
You really hurt Your ankle.
You didn't think I hurt it? I did.
I was concerned.
You didn't think I hurt my ankle, did you? I wasn't sure.
You hurt your ankle-- What, you think I screwed you? No.
I thought, perhaps, Because i didn't do Your benefit, You didn't do the show.
Larry, do you honestly Think i would cancel At the last second Without A legitimate excuse? Well, you know, We're both in the business.
Larry, i don't Work that way, And clearly, You don't, either, Because here you are Even after You thought that I'd screwed you.
You are the bigger man Of the two of us.
I am uncomfortable Discussing size In the bathroom, You know what i mean? Let's let it go At that.
Listen, larry, I got to get back To my table.
Why don't my people Call your office? We'll reschedule The show.
That would be great.
Ok? Thanks.
Nice to see you.
Good to see you, too.
So long.
All right.
You know, There goes one Of america's Great filmmakers.
[Larry] What is this? This is disaster-preparedness Furnishings.
The ham's a lamp? There's a flashlight In there.
And all This food is edible? Exactly.
I see.
The twinkies Have a 27-year Shelf life.
With the light on? It doesn't matter.
You can't penetrate A twinkie.
So, when reinercame Out of the bathroom, Did reiner have A little piece Of toilet paper Or a couple of feet? That's not The important part.
Toilet paper is Always very funny To everyone Except the french.
I don't think those bidets Are sanitary at all, do you? You guys don't get it.
The idea is, Is that 2 of us, Were able to put all The hollywood bullshit aside And just have a totally Honest moment.
And it was great.
You told him You thought He screwed us.
We talked it out.
Well, he's still booked For tomorrow night, So if rob calls you up And says he wants you To clean his pool, Hop over there pronto And start scrubbing.
Yeah! Sorry.
So, my boy, Do you feel any better About the human race today? Well, i feel better About rob.
I think he was, uh Honest, and i was not.
I don't think That i told him I was there to rub His face in it And make him feel Like shit, So i don't feel completely, Totally truthful.
Oh, god damn it.
Let me tell You something.
That's what ruined My second marriage.
I told the truth.
I found it To be disastrous.
That's the truth.
Let's keep this As our little secret.
I think you Should be open And honest with him.
Shut up.
I lean towards phil On this one.
Phil, you're dismissed.
You're contaminating larry.
Why can't i hear Both sides? You can't handle The truth.
That's not the case.
Oh, yeah? You want the truth? This.
It isn't funny.
This is hilarious.
Ha ha.
See? Have phil come up With something else.
[Telephone rings] Larry sanders.
One moment, please.
Larry? It's rob reiner, line 4.
Got it.
Hello, rob.
Larry, hello.
Hey, how you doing? I can't tell you how Excited we are to have you On the show tonight.
It'll be fun.
Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
We're gonna have a blast.
I want to talk About how much Of spinal tap Was improvised And an how you did that Railroad trestle shot On stand by me.
Do we have to? Don't have to.
I don't want to talk About my work.
I want to tell some jokes, You know, be goofy.
Maybe you can get That woman from the zoo And she can bring An animal to shit on me.
Is this rob reiner, The famous director I'm talking to? Yeah.
Hey, larry, Thanks again for Doing the benefit.
We raised A lot of money.
Listen, it was My pleasure, And, uh Listen, rob, i know You were honest with me.
And i want to be honest With you.
I was just-- You'll get a kick Out of this.
I was just There to rub Your face in it.
I was pretty mad That you canceled The other night And wanted to make You feel like shit.
That's why i showed Up at the benefit.
Rob? Mr.
Reiner won't be Joining us this evening.
He just canceled.
You told him the truth, Didn't you, You couldn't stop yourself Even after i specifically Asked you not to tell him.
Of course, i anticipated Your inability to keep Your mouth shut.
So i arranged a backup.
Who? Have a wonderful show.
Who? It's not pauly shore, Is it? And then Ha ha ha! And then i do A pauly take, Which is very ad-libby And very spontaneous.
You never know what Will come from that take.
And that's stuff That stays In the movie? I actually do More improvising In the movie Than i do here.
Ok, we'll take A little break.
Oh, could we play One of my clips? We don't have time.
I have to take A commercial break here.
We'll be right back with Comedian jeff cesario.
And there's No more flippings.
No more flipping.
He watches the show.
[Applause] Thank you.
[Man] we're clear! When will you Book me again? When another big, Huge guest cancels? Maybe within the month.
No shit.
Then we could talk About my new army movie.
pink diggly diggly, The new cd.
What is that? You'll have To listen to it.
Come on, pauly.
Great, just great.
Let's call Your mom mitzi, Tell her how Great you were.
Come on.
Well, the show business Does not discriminate.
Nice kid.
How did the nerve Deafness dinner go? Oh, fine.
You're a better man Than i am.
I would have taken That 10 grand like-- Whoa.
They offered you Yeah.