The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s04e08 Episode Script

Nothing Personal

Hank: That sign says, "apple sauce.
" No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
It says, "applause.
" [Applause] All right.
Now, remember, You're all a big part Of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman? Yeah, he's giving me the sign, And it says, "we're on In 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
Here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? Man: in 5, 4, 3, 2 Announcer: live on tape From hollywood the larry sanders show.
Tonight, join larry And his guests-- Randy quaid, george kennedy, And musical group Toad the wet sprocket.
And me, "hey now" Hank kingsley.
And now, because there's Nowhere left to run, Larry sanders! [Applause] Thank you, Thank you, thank you.
Well, please.
Trust me, Your response only means You have to get Out of the house more.
[Laughter] After 2 years Of court battles And a week in the citadel, Shannon faulkner has quit.
She is said To be devastated, And really has no idea where She will find a husband now.
[Laughter, applause] She actually-- i was actually Fascinated by this Because she said it was The stress of being alone And the 2 years Of court battles That really Led her to quitting, And i think it was really The stress of dragging, You know, that big, fat ass Through the obstacle course.
[Laughter, applause] Congressman mel reynolds Has been convicted Of having sex With a 16-year-old girl.
Boy, he told her Not to tell anyone, But evidently it slipped out At a pep rally.
New york city has just Approved the use Of 100 brand-new minivans To be used as taxicabs.
They're actually standard, Normal, factory minivans That will be Converted to taxis By spitting On the windshields, Slashing the seats, And putting used condoms Down on the floor.
[Laughter] [Applause] Ok, you've been A great audience.
We have a great show Tonight, And we've got great guests All week.
Don't flip me.
We'll be right back.
I thought the show Went really, really well.
So did i.
Let's concentrate On tomorrow's show.
We need one good guest To get the network p.
Off my back.
Paula? Melissa gilbert.
Oh, for christ's sake.
How are you gonna Generate some heat Around melissa gilbert? Like this: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa gilbert! Wa-hoo! Stop screwing around.
Susan's gonna be here Any second.
Michael chiklis.
Who in hell Is michael chiklis? The commish.
No, that was My imitation of america.
Who the hell is Michael chiklis? Oh, come on.
We're getting Massacred here, And the best You can do is come up With the commish? Just give me One good name To make larry smile.
Jeff goldblum.
Well, jeff goldblum Is great.
Good going, Paula.
He's always Been on our Most wanted list.
Thank you.
Except for every time I ask his agent, he passes.
So we don't have him? We don't have him, But i thought since You were friends with him, You could ask him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't ask my friends To do the show.
But you will be seeing him At the a.
Why don't you ask One of your friends? Ok.
I'll ask my friend jill.
Jill who? You don't know her.
She works at killer shrimp.
Why don't you ask One of your friends To do the show? Ricardo montalban.
All right, look.
You know, if i ask Jeff to do the show, Then i've crossed That boundary of Our friendship, And if he says no, I'm just gonna be Devastated, ok? So let's Just skip it.
That's why it's a rule That i don't ask my friends.
That's correct.
I respect that rule, But jeff goldblum Would be very good For the show.
Yeah, i know, But i'm not asking him, So let's move on.
Come on, Take a little risk.
That's the only way You're gonna grow, Bambino.
Isn't that what life's All about? That's so beautiful.
I have that on a poster With a little kitty Hanging off a bar.
Yeah? Have you seen The poster that says, "A rule is a rule, And i'm sitting On a toilet"? Hey, guys.
Look who's here.
The loveliest publicist In tinseltown.
Thank you.
Oh, paula, well, You are so prepared.
Melissa gilbert.
Artie: yahoo.
Uh, jack klugman, Michelle lee, Michael chiklis.
The commish.
Or, as i call him, The knish.
[Chuckles] Okay, so, uh, This-- uh, you have No movie people.
Well, michael chiklis has Done a movie, hasn't he? Uh, he has, yes.
He was in wired A few years ago, yeah.
John belushi.
He played john belushi.
Oh, big loss.
What a tragedy.
Yes, but i wish He was alive and here And on the show tonight.
So do i.
I'd settle For freddie prinze At this point.
I'm gonna Get started on this.
So you will all Give me updates? Absolutely.
See ya later.
Uh, is there anything I need to know That's going on At the network? No, larry.
Not a thing.
Well, if there is, I'll be here.
Is she single? She's single.
She had a 2-year Relationship With a grip at abc And an intense week With scott bakula, And just ended a very Painful relationship With macgyver.
So the macgyver thing's over? Kaput.
Well, you should find out If she'll go out with me, ok? May i please leave? No.
Will you find out If she'll go out with me? Well, i wouldn't feel Too comfortable, Because, you know, She-- right now, She's getting Reacquainted With herself, You know, And she's emotionally Very fragile, Having had a very, Uh, intense And hurtful relationship With macgyver, And i don't know whether Or not-- What the fuck Are you talking about? I don't want To ask her.
Oh, fine.
Then i'll ask her And i'll book jeff goldblum.
So i get it.
Now i'm just Doing everybody's job.
Susan, good morning.
Hey, beverly.
Oh, girl.
Those are Some great shoes.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah-- Um, would you be interested In going out with larry? Did he ask you To do this? No.
I just thought of it Just now, While i saw you standing here By the elevator, waiting-- He did ask you To do this.
Let me tell you something.
If i didn't work for him, I'd be all over that.
I can't believe he asked You to ask me out.
No, thank you.
I think she has A boyfriend.
She is a loner.
Well, which is it? She's trying to get over Her last relationship.
Yeah, i knew it.
That macgyver.
You know, goddamn him And that talking car.
No, no, no.
That's david hasselhoff.
Macgyver's the Richard dean anderson.
Well, what does Macgyver do? He makes stuff out of nothing.
What does that mean? Is he a drama queen? [Laughs] Hi.
Can i speak to you For just a moment? Huh? Didn't brian come in And tell you I wanted to talk to you? Brian? I haven't seen Brian all day.
Have you? No, I haven't seen him.
I-- You would've Thought brian Would've Mentioned hank Was coming in.
Yeah, you would've Thought so.
What is That about? Listen, don't forget The a.
Dinner At 8:00, And sign your Golden globe entry.
I can't imagine why brian Wouldn't come in here And tell us That hank's coming in.
It doesn't sound like him, Does it? I know.
Larry, i-- I'm here because i need Some emotional support.
Well, now that My divorce is final, And i This'll just take A second.
Larry sanders, 551.
All clear.
Huh? No.
Just hold that one.
Thank you.
Now that My divorce is final, And i'm getting past The pain and the hurt And really getting Into a healing place, It, uh, turns out That my, uh, My wife wants more money.
Well, You know, hank, That's why we told you To get that prenup.
That's because you're cynical, You know? You-- you're jaded.
You don't believe In the, uh Bond that 2 caring people Can have for one another.
Fucking bitch! She's going after The lookaround cafe.
That is my baby.
All right.
What about The beach house? Oh, fuck the beach house.
It's a rental.
Well, you told Everyone you owned The beach house.
I do in the summer.
Well, listen, you want My advice, hank? As a man who's been Married twice, Take the high road.
Give her Whatever she wants.
Thanks for being there For me.
That's so nice.
Thank you very, Very much for coming.
You're too sweet.
Thank you.
Hey, look who's here.
Good luck to you guys.
Gosh, that was great.
Thank you.
You're Brown as a bear.
Look at you.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I've been outside a lot.
I'm happy to be here.
When you see the highlights Of your movies Put back to back, honestly, It's just incredible.
What an honor.
Thank you.
This is no big deal.
Last week, They did a tribute To steven seagal.
This is not A big deal.
Well, he's good.
Larry! Paula! Hey.
This is our talent Booker, paula.
Paula: hi.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, it was so thrilling To see your stuff-- ernie kovacs, jurassic park, the fly-- buckaroo banzai.
Oh, hey! buckaroo banzai! Yes.
Perfect tommy, Rawhide, reno, Penny priddy.
What are they all Doing now? I wonder.
[Laughing] Um, i can't believe You haven't done our show.
You would be perfect For our show.
Oh, paula, this is not The time or place to be Asking mr.
Goldblum About a silly talk show.
Hi, folks.
Anyone like A stuffed mushroom? Yum.
These are so good.
God, these look great.
Where are these from? Waiter: these are from The yucat√°n peninsula.
Uh, scott, can i Have another Perrier, please? Oh, but seriously, Mr.
Goldblum, It would be so great If you could be On our show.
Larry: i don't know What she's doing.
You know, this is A case of someone Who's just a big fan Who knows we're friends, And this is her job And she's a little Carried away.
This is your night.
Enjoy it.
I can't tell you, Seeing them Back to back.
They were so good.
What is wrong with you? Larry, my boy.
Good morning.
Did you ask Jeff goldblum to do The show last night? Yes.
Yes, i did, But he wouldn't Give me an answer.
The whole evening Was pretty much A big waste of time.
Except for those Stuffed mushrooms.
You couldn't ask him Yourself, could you? No, i couldn't.
And you haven't been able To ask susan out.
Let's just concentrate On the booking problem, All right? Oh, forget it.
Paula, would you get My good friend Ricardo montalban On the phone? [Speaks spanish] Hey, um, Sorry to hear About your divorce.
Oh, thank you.
I guess you guys In publicity Are having A real good laugh.
Married on tv, And a year later, Cancelled.
You know, i'm giving Her the restaurant In the settlement.
Really? Well, that's Very generous of you.
Well, i've decided To take the high road.
Any chance we could use that To make her look like a cunt? Uh, maybe.
Let me sleep On that one, hank.
Oh, um, do you Have any interest In going out With larry? Won't be joining us This evening.
He's on vacation.
From what? I just bumped into hank In the crapper-- Artie, i'm trying to eat Oatmeal here.
He wants you to know That susan is too busy.
For what? To go out with you.
How would he know that? Because you asked him To ask her.
And he couldn't Come in here directly And tell me That she said that? He has To go through you? Well, i guess some people Are not as good as you are In confronting people Face to face.
He has to have somebody Do his little dirty work For him, doesn't he? What a baby.
A huge fucking baby.
We're talkin' about, Uh, hank, right? Who do you think We're talking about? Goldblum: hello? Jeff.
Hey, how ya doing? It was Great to see you last night.
Hey, it was great To see you.
Honestly, When those films Are put back to back, They're just great.
Oh, as you said last night.
Listen, There's something I wanted to ask you.
What's this? Shoot.
And listen.
Seriously, you must Feel free to say no If this is not something You want to do.
You're a love.
That's what i love about you.
You're my hero, see? What is it? Well, we need a, uh, Big star for the show, And it would mean a lot To me, you know, uh, Honestly, personally, And professionally, If you would consider Doing the show Like tonight.
Tonight, really? Well, i-- can i Tell you something? I've been waiting For you to ask me.
I mean, you know, I was hoping to do the show, And last night, you know, With the booker, When she asked me, You got all funny with her.
What was that? It was confusing.
I thought she was Embarrassing you.
Embarrassing me? No, larry, come on, What's going on here? I mean, we're best friends, Aren't we? I adore you.
I mean, What'd you think i was Going to say? No, and take Your shit show And shove it Up your big, fat ass? Great! So, we'll see you, Uh, later today? Yes.
I can't wait.
All right.
Splendid, my boy.
You see? When you do it yourself, You get results.
Phil: pussy alert! Pussy alert! Susan's here.
She's coming On the hot asphalt.
What's going on? We're on A pussy alert.
She looks great.
Larry, you want me To get your binoculars? Yeah.
And my Camouflage pants.
She's coming up.
I'm gonna-- i'm gonna Go talk to her.
Pussy alerts Are just not as much fun As they used to be.
Larry: Hey, susan.
Hi, larry.
Hey, where You headed? Uh, i'm just gonna Exchange some of these tapes.
Oh, i'm headed This way, also.
Hey, we have Jeff goldblum For tonight.
You do? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I love him.
He's a friend Of mine.
I asked him To do the show.
Doing Everybody's job.
Hey, listen.
UmUh, could i Talk to you a second In here? Uh, i know that beverly Asked you out for me And i know hank Asked you out for me, And i just Want you to know That, uh-- And phil.
Huh? Phil got you already? Yeah, he did.
Well, i just want to know If you wanted to go And have dinner with me Sometime after The, uh, show.
Maybe tonight After the show.
Um [Tape drops] Oh.
Well, uh Heh heh.
I mean, it doesn't Have to be tonight If this is sort of Short notice.
It could be, you know, Another night.
Uh, larry-- This probably doesn't-- Does this go with this? Ha ha.
I don't think so.
I'm-- i'm sorry.
I can't.
It's Just[Sighs] At the end Of the day, i've got All this paperwork And phone calls To make.
I'm so bushed.
I go home, i go to Sleep immediately.
I understand.
It's a dull Existence.
Of course.
Well, People don't understand How exhausting Show business is.
I know.
They don't.
They don't.
But you do, so-- Well, i do.
I barely get Enough sleep myself.
I'm up at 9:30, Right at the crack of, uh You know, it's Nothing personal.
It really isn't.
I get up early.
Didn't take it that way.
Yeah, good.
So, i'm gonna Let everybody know About jeff goldblum, 'Cause, god, They'll be excited About that.
Isn't that great? Yeah.
Yeah, great.
See ya later.
You need to be protected, And that's my fault, Because i Should've asked her To go out with you, Very insensitive of me.
Fucking-- fucking mean.
And i'm just begging you To accept my apology.
But we've Got a show to do.
Don't want to.
Hey, sweetheart, You know who's out there? Jeff goldblum, your good buddy.
Come on.
Come on with me, sweetheart.
Let's say hello to him.
Don't want to.
You don't want to? No.
Jeff! So, how's Everything going With laura dern? Mmm.
'Cause in relationships A lot of times Have a lot of ups And downs, So you guys, You know, Up or down? Going up.
You're up.
Hey, now! Jeff goldblum.
Goldbl-- Is it "blum" or "bloom"? It's, uh, "bloom," Oh.
Well, Welcome to the show.
I-- i must tell you That, uh, jurassic park, It just changed my life.
Which is My dressing room? Uh, 3.
On the right, And it has your name on it.
All right.
Hey, larry.
Hey, thanks For coming today.
Is it too bright In here for you? Huh? Oh, sorry.
UhH-how are you? Fine, fine.
Never better.
Really? You seem-- You seem down.
Oh, god.
Goldblum: what? What's the matter? Nothing.
Is that susan? What, do you know her? Susan! Yeah.
Susan! Yeah.
She used to work for Laura's publicist.
You look smashing.
Oh, thank you.
I am so thrilled You're doing The show.
I'm just sorry It's such Late notice.
I could've done More promotional Stuff.
Well-- Next time.
That's the spirit.
So how's laura? Oh, so good, so good.
Listen, we're gonna have Dinner after the show.
Do you want to join us? Oh, i'd love to.
Thank you.
And you, too.
You come, too.
We'll make it The four of us.
Well, I thought that you-- Good.
So the four of us Will be fine.
There we go.
Oh! What am i Thinking about? Laura and i are having Dinner after the show With her mom.
Oh, diane.
Yeah, that's right, Susan.
That's right.
But, listen, That's no reason Why the two of you Can't go to dinner With each other.
You can have A wonderful time.
'Cause, susan, you're such An intelligent woman, And, larry, you're A pious and beautiful, Beautiful man.
And why not? Yes.
There we go.
Like 2 lovebirds In a cherry tree.
That is so sweet.
All right, here i go.
I'll be transformed When next you see me.
I'll see you out there.
Well, have fun.
Great to see you.
You, too.
Ahh, brilliant work, My boy.
Thank you So very much.
Yes, yes.
Gonna have A great show.
Well, possibly so, But listen, Next time he's having A fucking nervous breakdown, Maybe book david viscott.
Viscott! 2 t's.
It's not my field.
[Chuckles] We're lucky to Have you here tonight, And i want to thank you For taking time Out of your busy Schedule to delight us With your [Light applause] Thank you.
With my With what you have.
Well, i This is going well, Isn't it? It's going very well, Yeah.
Well, don't mind me.
I'm just in the middle Of a divorce.
Oh, i'm sorry.
So, Anyway, you know, I'm giving my, uh, My restaurant To my wife In the settlement.
[Applause] I'm giving her The lookaround cafe.
Well, there is A lucky lady.
That's wonderful.
That's gonna be Very successful.
Your ex-wife Is gonna do very well.
Very successful.
Well, you should know There was a shooting And a beating and a killing And a stabbing there.
Larry: well, they Have a competitive Side as well.
Well, and did you Have a good time? I had a great time.
Did you have A good time tonight? I did.
I did.
I really did.
Thanks for coming over.
Well, thank you For having me over.
I hope you'll able To come back, uh, Back again.
Hey, why Don't you come back Tomorrow night, And we'll watch The show again.
Uh, larry, I think that maybe We should Keep this relationship Just on a professional level, Don't you? Oh, yeah.
Yes, absolutely.
I-- that I'm very comfortable With that.
I'm sorry That your date Didn't work out, But let's just Put this all behind us, 'Cause we've got A show to do.
Don't want to.