The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s04e14 Episode Script

Beverly and the Prop Job

In 1609, when galileo First made this telescope [Laughter] It was made of salami.
[Laughter] And through This salami telescope, He was able to make His first chart Of the heavens.
Hey buona notte.
That's-a nice suit.
What do you see there? Well, i can see The morta della Constellation.
And the planet Bologna.
[Laughter] Oh, and there Goes the entire "Piccoloaf" galaxy.
Mmm-- god, This salami stinks.
[Laughter] Well, that's 'Cause you're looking Through the wrong end.
[Laughter] [Chuckling] Fortunately, For all of us, Galileo ate that telescope And was forced to make The next one out of metal.
But it was a great show.
He's not supposed To ad lib During a sketch.
That thing he said about The salami stinking Totally confused me And threw me off For the whole show.
Well, i was overcome By the stench.
I smelled the stench.
I didn't think it was Coming from the salami.
Well, where did you Think it was coming from? From you.
Oh, boys, come on.
Settle down! It's nobody's fault.
Excuse me.
Listen, a problem arises From the fact that we lost Our propmaster this morning, And the substitute-- He couldn't find A proper salami, And he grabbed one Off the set of the price is right.
It must have Been 10 years old.
Evidently, bob barker Has no remaining sense Of smell.
Evidently not, or he Would have stayed away From dian parkinson.
Well, i hear she Wears a lot of cologne.
Oh, yeah.
So what about The new propmaster? Have you found one? No.
It's very difficult To find someone who can Make a salami telescope That looks functional And that doesn't stink.
I am starving.
Artie, i don't smell, Do i? [Sniffing] Larry, this Is my cousin clyde From baltimore.
Happy to meet you, Clyde.
Listen, i'm starved.
I've gotta eat Somethin'.
Oh, i, uh, Have your melon.
I also have reservations For you at ivy at the shore At 9:00.
I can change it to 8:00.
All right.
Did you get any news About the bird? Ooh, yes! I called L.
Birds and fish.
They have an umbrella cockatoo That already says, "Hello, daddy.
" So they're gonna hold it For you for 24 hours.
You can go look at it Or even talk to it.
Oh! Well, actually, I'd prefer a bird that Could sing me to sleep Rather than just talk.
Beverly, Try a songbird.
Tasmanian Two tufted canary Has A lovely bel canto.
*Br-r-r-r-r * *R-r-roo-roo * Oh, i'm getting drowsy Already.
Um, artie, This is my cousin clyde.
How you doin'? Oh, larry, I have a favor To ask you.
Would you Sign this petition? It's for Citizens who support Affirmative action.
As soon as we Get 1,000 signatures, We're gonna Take out a full-page ad In the l.
The signatures Will be in the ad? Yeah.
Oh, well, gee, I don't know.
I can't take A political stand Publicly, beverly.
It'll alienate some Of my audience, And i honestly Don't want to see leno Get one fucking new viewer Just because they Disagree with my stand On affirmative action And don't know his opinion About anything.
It's ok.
I was just asking.
Well, you know, i'd love to, But, uh, you know I support affirmative action From way back.
I know-- So if there's anything Else i can do, Please let me know, All right? Again, clyde, Nice meeting you, And, beverly, by the way, Tatiana-- i have a date With her friday, And she likes green, So would you make sure To get my green shirt? Ok, i'll get it.
Good to see you.
See? I told you He wouldn't sign it.
Look, he's just kind Of sensitive about things Like that.
He's a celebrity.
Beverly, What are you doin'? What are you talkin' about, Clyde? You know what I'm talkin' about.
Um, do you want mexican food Or japanese food tonight? Would you look Around you? You are The only black person On this show.
This show is Like the waltons.
They got their Little colored girl Takin' out the garbage.
Would you shut up, clyde? You wanna Be the only fly In the buttermilk? Look, I have known these people For a long time.
They are my friends.
They are not racist.
Your little White friends-- Shh! White liberals-- Could you Keep it down? White hypocrites! Could you Keep it down? They are the most Dangerous kind.
They think they're Doing you a favor.
Clyde, let me Tell you something: You will never change.
And larry-- larry-- He says he's for Affirmative action? Too much Affirmative talk And not Enough action.
He won't even sign A fucking petition.
You better wake up.
You're a token.
Oh, god.
You better wake up, Beverly.
Look, did your mother Send you all the way Over here So that you could Just pluck my nerves? I will ask him again When he's not so hungry.
You know what he gonna Be askin' you next? He's gonna be askin' you To shine his shoes.
Oh, please! Say, beverly, listen, You know those shoes The wardrobe department Sent over? Uh, y-yes.
I can't Find them anywhere.
I'll, uh, Check wardrobe In the morning.
Good, and, uh, listen, If you do find them And it's not Too much trouble, Would you mind Lacin' them up? Beverly: no.
I'm not very handy.
[Door closes] Close enough? Hold it! Whup! Hey.
Thank you.
Good mornin'.
Good morning.
Uh, who's on The show tonight, paula? Garth brooks, Victoria principal, Steven wright.
Have you tried Booking wesley snipes? Do you have a crush On him? No.
It's just that, You know, i know that that Drag queen movie came out-- We had patrick swayze on In his little skirt.
Just wondering why, You know, we didn't Have wesley snipes on.
His skirt was At the dry cleaners, So there was a conflict.
He couldn't do it.
Oh Paula, why don't we Have more black guests On this show? Because black people Find larry to be white.
Would you sign This card to lydia.
Lydia? Lydia, The prop mistress.
She left the show Yesterday So i got her a card.
Is she single? Just write Something nice.
Be generous.
Can i ask you a question? Mm-hmm.
Am i unattractive? No.
I think you're Very attractive.
Am i unpleasant? Am i unsuccessful? Am iUnsexy? No.
I think You're very sexy.
Oh? I got your number.
What? Oh! Don't lie.
You want me To turn gay, don't you? [Chuckles] OhYes, please.
Make all Of san francisco's Dreams come true.
What these woman Don't know is just That i'm just a nice guy.
That's right.
Try wendy.
Oh, wendy said She'd see you in june.
When did it get So fucking hard To get laid in this town? Hey, beverly, I have those Monologue jokes for larry Whenever he's ready.
Um Do you know Any black writers, Phil? Yeah, of course.
I count many black writers Among my closest friends.
Then why don't we have Any black writers working Here on the show? You don't know? No.
Tell me.
Oh, well, Larry won't hire them.
I mean, personally, I think it's terrible.
I think it's unfortunate And embarrassing For all of us, But, as larry said, In the super-secret memo, "If it ain't white, It ain't right.
" You are such an asshole, Phil, you know that? Yeah.
You know, if you're Writing an article, Don't use my name.
Victoria, Are conditioners necessary? I think so.
Yeah, i think just About for everybody.
Because you need to close The hair follicle.
And you need to make it soft And manageable when you dry it.
And how do you know when A shampoo is right? Listen, i really don't Want to talk just about My products with larry, ok? Oh, of course not, no.
This is just information I wanted for myself.
Well, we just sent A really large box Last week of stuff.
That was nice.
It's just larry hogs All the freebies.
Uh, excuse me, Paula.
I don't mean To interrupt, But i Have the number To wesley snipes' Manager.
So do i.
Well, do you Want me to call For you? I'd be happy to, You know that.
She's in love With wesley snipes.
Well, he's really cute, But i-- excuse me.
Is larry using The intensive serum? Um, i-- i wouldn't know.
Can i ask you A question, though? Sure.
Do you have Skincare products For black people? Yes.
I mean my products Are for everybody, All races.
People always say that, But, you know, when i Put the stuff on my face, I break out.
She can get her money back.
It's a fruit phone.
It's a fruit phone? Put the banana up To your ear.
[Knock on door] Try it.
Beverly: excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to Bother you, uh, interrupt.
Larry, if there's an opening In the prop department, I think you should Hire a black person.
You know, we have A number of applicants For the prop job, Beverly, if the one Who's most qualified Turns out to be black, That'd be great.
I thought you believed In affirmative action.
Beverly, mon cheri, We need someone Who's experienced.
There are only a handful Of black propmen In the union, And they're probably All tied up, But we'll check.
Arthur, i was talking To larry just now.
Would you excuse us, Please? Hey, what? I would like a moment alone With my boss.
Without me? Yes.
Ok, let's not overreact Thank you.
Please? Excuse us.
Artie? Artie? [Door closes] Um, larry, my cousin clyde, Who you met? Mm-hmm? He used to work For wpjp in baltimore? Nice guy.
Nice guy.
Well, he's looking For a job.
Oh, what did he do? Well, a little bit Of everything.
You know how those Local stations are.
Did he do Anything with props? Well If you mean can he Make a salami telescope, Yeah, i think so.
You know what i mean.
I mean, did he work in-- No, i don't.
Does he have experience Doing props For television? Unless you give him a job, He's not gonna have Any experience.
I mean, That's how it works.
Black people will never Have as much experience As white people Because up till 10 years ago, Black people had no props.
Well, i'll talk To artie about it.
Oh, come on, larry.
Don't give me that, please.
I've worked with you For over 5 years now, And i know for a fact that If you want something done, It gets done.
I would Like some yogurt.
What? What is wrong? Uh, paula-- Yes, i spoke to Wesley snipes' people.
He's in connecticut.
When he gets back, We'll discuss him Doing the show.
This doesn't have anything To do with wesley.
I can't work For larry anymore.
Baby, you're talkin' Like it's friday, And it's only wednesday.
Look, Paula, i, um I need you to cover for me.
I have an interview Over at arsenio.
Are you serious? Oh, my god! That is so brave.
Well, if larry asks, Tell him i went out To get his yogurt.
You got it.
Beverly's quitting.
What makes you say that? Well, she's over Having a meeting right now At arsenio's company.
He's got a development deal With sony.
He's looking For an assistant.
Are you sure? Oh, yeah.
Tomorrow, she's meeting With laurence fishburne.
Oh, god, it's because Of this black thing.
Oh, don't get Wound up in that.
You have done Nothing wrong.
I-- i just heard about lydia.
I mean, that's just, uh That's terrible.
Big loss.
Oh, well, listen, I know you're gettin' A lot of applicants, But i want you To burn those resumés 'Cause i've got someone who Can get the job done, ok? It's my sisterWendy.
Hold on.
Wendy! Come on in here.
Wendy, i'd like you To meet arthur.
Oh, hi, wendy.
How are you, sweetie? And this is-- Here he is Hey, now, the one, The only, my best friend, Larry sanders.
This is wendy.
[Southern accent] Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Forget our confusion.
You know, We always had the impression That hank was an only child.
Wendy-- wendy, Uh, worked for, uh, What was it, 2 years In the prop department At jenny jones And one year on The wheel of fortune As prop meister.
Well, wendy, We'll be very happy To look at your resumé.
Oh, god, i don't Have a resumé.
Hank said You didn't need one.
Now, now, now, arthur Now, come on.
We know How this business works.
It's all connections.
That's how your-- Your son got the job.
Good-looking boy.
Ok, maybe she's not Qualified to do props, But when beverly leaves, She could be Larry's assistant.
Ok, now, just relax.
[Inhales] Now do it.
Just do, Uh, do what i told you.
[Bad british accent] Hello.
larry sanders show.
Who's calling? Larry's in a meeting At the moment.
Could you Please hold? Thank you AndCheerio.
I'm having a stroke.
HeyHuh? Huh? Nothin'.
Well, i see that talent Runs like a cancer through The kingsley household.
Oh, thanks, artie.
Here we go.
All right.
All right.
That's-- [Whispering] What do you think? We'll keep 'er in mind.
Beverly's quitting.
You better find An assistant asap, Otherwise elly may will Be cutting up your fruit And telling you [British accent] how loverly The show was last night.
[Audience laughing] Now If i've shaved With your shave gel, Which is excellent-- Right.
No more niks.
I have-- i, honestly, I have no more niks, And i use A paring knife.
So it is very-- So i shave, And then i put on The moisturizer-- Good.
I think i'm doing Something out of order.
I don't know what it is.
I shave-- All right.
Exfoliate, shave-- I shave.
Exfoliate, shave-- Ooh, i don't use The exfoliator Before i shave.
You don't.
So i exfoliate-- Yep.
In the shower.
Wash it off-- You are doing this On your face, right? Well [Laughter] [Applause] If it's a weeknight.
Now Uh, what are you worth? What am i worth? Let's see.
What time is it? You must really be Worth a lot of money 'Cause it's just-- You just-- I mean, you should Just probably-- You must just go home And rub cash On your face.
Ha ha ha! You're doin' right, You know, gettin' out Of here.
We'll be right back With victoria principal.
No flipping.
Listen, victoria principal Just gave me all these Haircare products And gels and creams And so forth, And i want you To have them, ok? Thanks.
Are you quitting? I was gonna talk to you About that tomorrow.
Instead you just Bring it up right here In the middle of the show? Look, larry, Youjust brought it up.
Listen, Why are you quitting? Because i need a change In my life and if i stay here, I'm just gonna Lose my identity.
What do you mean You're gonna lose Your identity? What does that mean? Are you two married? No.
Thank you, my dear.
We'll call you soon.
I'd really love to Be larry's assistant.
I can't believe i met him.
He's so hot.
Aw, he's a babe.
It's like when I met jack nicholson, I died.
I mean, i started kicking Everyone all around.
People thought It was some sort of An earth tremor or something.
He's so good-looking.
No argument here.
Listen, um, my mom's Down in the car, And i was wondering If maybe larry Could come down And take a quick photo.
Why don't you Go down and wait? He'll be right there.
Artie My sister made this.
What is it? It's an elizabeth taylor Night light, And she Just whipped it up In 15 seconds.
It was just amazing to Watch her mind at work.
And, by the way, This is actual hair.
Why would we want this? Well, i was thinking If we did a celebrity Night light desk piece, This could be one.
Listen, not only is it ugly, It's a fire hazard.
If larry turned this on, He'd go up in flames.
Throw it away.
Come on.
Why can't She have beverly's job? She's as good As anyone else.
Could she play the flute For larry.
Well, we had a lady In today who can.
Sometimes it's not just About the money.
It's about "do i even Fit in over there? You know, do i belong Over there?" You know, sometimes I get so confused And it's, like, "Am i over there Because i'm doing A good job.
Do they even respect me Over there, Or am i just a token?" How much is fishburne Gonna pay ya? $800 a week.
Stick with larry.
But, daddy, i-- Besides, larry's Not such a bad guy.
He's a wonderful guy.
Let's not Have david duchovny On anymore.
I literally don't have Anything left to say To the guy.
Beverly sent those.
Larry: oh, great.
"I can't believe I'm saying good-bye After all this time.
"I remember the first day I interviewed for the job With you.
"I came to your office, And you were wearing Genie pants and a turban.
"I thought It was so hysterical.
"From that moment on, i knew I wanted this very special job.
I remember those genie pants.
Keep reading.
"Even though we've had Our disagreements, "With you have been filled With true moments of joy And happiness.
"Sometimes at night I think back to a certain Facial expression "That you made During the day, And i laugh out loud.
"You're an attractive, Sensitive, warm man, "And i don't think I'm ever going to meet Another like you.
"I wish i could Give you a big, hot kiss, But i know that would Make you feel awkward.
" "No job has ever Meant so much to me As this one has.
"Love Beverly.
" Is there a "p.
"? No.
Okay, don't forget To call me.
I won't.
I'm serious.
I will.
All right.
You take care.
I will.
Oh, say, beverly? Hey.
Listen, I got your, um Flowers And the letter.
You're welcome.
And, um, I'm going to, um Hire your cousin For that prop job.
Really? Yeah.
'Cause i thought about Everything you said, And i think You're right.
I-- i-- i'm sure he'll Do good work for you.
I checked wpjp.
It's a great station.
Please don't quit.
Would you stay? I haven't eaten Anything but cereal For the last 3 days.
Whoa I don't I don't wanna quit, larry.
Well-- Laurence fishburne Doesn't-- doesn't Make me laugh.
That's why we Haven't had him on.
You're fun.
Hey, john francis, Some kid puked In row 7! Get the sawdust And the lysol.
Oh! What is it? Did larry hire Some black guy With no experience? He worked for wpjp.
Wpjp? What is that? Excuse me.
Local shit affiliate.
Did he even Consider my sister? Yes.
She was too dumb.
How can you say that About my sister? Oh, hell, cut the crap.
That's not your sister.
I saw you dry-humping Under the bleachers.
Hey, now.
All right, Young girl, you know.
I'm just tryin' To help her out.
Nice try, hank.
Job's gone.
Fucked by the black man again? I have been working So hard today On this barbie doll.
I made her these 5 Monster dinosaur outfits, And it was so difficult 'Cause they're so little.
You know how hard it is To work on somethin' That little? First your eyes, They start to water, And then the headaches Creep up.
I mean, the headaches Start comin' and-- Clyde! I'm very busy here.
I have to get larry Birdseed and a cuttlefish, And i Have to order him some Of those new underpants, The ones that Won't leave a line When he's wearing His tennis shorts.
Stop smackin'.
You sound ridiculous.
Did you ever think Would heavy d would Let hisself get that fat? I don't think i could Let myself get that fat.
Well, i guess if they Paid me that kind of money I could get that fat, But then i'd have to get A sweat suit and work it off Because i have to move 'Cause my apartment's So small.
Well, this is Working out pretty well, Don't you think? I mean, He's doin' a good job.
Beverly: would you Shut up, clyde? It's my guess She won't be asking you For anything for quite Some time.
I think you're right.
Um, larry, I have a favor to ask you.
Oh, excuse me.
What? Artie? Artie? Um, it's about clyde.
Oh, what now? Is there any way We could get rid of him? No.