The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s04e16 Episode Script


Oh, damn it, phil, how many Times do i have to tell you, The shrimp are for guests? Come on, artie, It's just one shrimp.
Fat-free snackwells In the kitchenette.
Get away from those Shrimp, damn it, You bottomless pit.
Oh, thank god You're here, brian.
Listen, i want you To guard these shrimp.
Ok, but hank needs To speak to you For 2 seconds.
Sorry, brian, I don't have time.
One second? No can do.
Don't expect anything From me during the kd lang Segment tonight.
I don't.
I never do.
I want to tell you A little story that's really Going to surprise you.
Oh, a little Surprise, huh? Well, let's Make it quick Ok.
3-- 3 years ago, Kd rented the house Behind me.
Now you know me, artie.
I'm a very good neighbor.
But when the, uh-- When the squirrels From her oak tree Started dropping those little Acorn hats into my jacuzzi, I asked her politely To do something.
She did nothing, So i told her To go fuck herself.
Well, so far, there's No surprise there.
What's the real story? Cough it up.
Well, i, uh, I got pissed off, And i hacked off The limb of her tree.
Ha ha.
So 3 years ago, You told kd To fuck off, And you chopped off A limb of her tree.
And now you're going To carry that grudge Right out on our stage And ruin our Anniversary show? Yes, i am.
No, you are not! Ok, you put it that way, Well, then i'll-- I'll just do my best.
Only moments away from our Eighth anniversary show.
And that, by the way, Is a milestone We never reached With any of our wives.
You speak for yourself, artie.
I have some great clips From my last marriage.
Could we have one clip On tonight? No, we agreed we're doing A classy show with no clips.
What about the monkey Grabbing your nuts? That's a classy one.
Are the guests here? Mandy patinkin, kd lang? Uh-huh.
Hey, noah wyle.
All in their rooms.
Rosie o'donnell Is on her way.
What about pat o'brien? I'll try to get him on.
Well, artie, We have to get him on.
It's giving me the tickers For the final 4.
So i'm to assume Mandy patinkin Is only on tonight So you can get good seats For the next sondheim fuck fest At the hollywood bowl? That's correct.
I'm getting seats Right behind home plate.
Get a foul tip.
George segal, our buddy, Is the surprise guest.
He'll be right next to me At the monitor.
And i'll send him in Whenever there's a lull.
You're expecting a lull? Lull? Who said lull? I said phil.
Phil! Bruce, will you put A couple of hickeys On larry's neck So he'll look Like he had a good time Last night? Artie.
Rosie o'donnell, Is she here yet? She's here, but she Had to drive herself in.
She's been on the lot for 20 Minutes trying to park.
What the hell? Didn't you send a limo? Of course we sent a limo, But lorenzo is the stupidest Driver in history.
He's supposed to pick up Rosie o'donnell.
He picks up chris o'donnell And takes him To the rose bowl.
Here she is.
Artie, my limo Never showed up.
Yes, but you're here Now, my dear.
We're so honored To have you.
I can't believe That happened.
I will get on the phone Right now And see What went wrong.
Yeah, please do.
I tell you, artie, i don't Mind driving myself.
I don't.
But to not have A spot waiting for me? I had to park 3 miles away, Next to the day players From the jeff foxworthy show.
I just can't Apologize enough.
Oh, yeah? Well, you could try.
Well, i beg you To forgive me.
Will you? I need more.
I beg you on my Late aunt's grave.
Still more.
I'll kill myself And all others like me.
Would you like to see Your dressing room? [Gasp] I have a dressing room? Yes.
And a fruit plate With papaya.
I am shocked.
I thought you were Gonna have me change Right here In the hallway.
I still love you.
I love you.
I know everything About you, right? 'Cause i'm canadian.
Yeah? I even know That you-- you curl.
Where did you read that? chatelaine.
Oh, chatelaine.
Yeah, i used to curl In, uh, in high school.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Oh, my, god, I-- i gotta go.
I'm sort of In charge of The green room.
Yeah, take care.
Good luck.
Talk to you later.
Hello, hank.
Didn't recognize you Without your chain saw.
[Laughs] Hey, i hear you're Going to sing tonight.
I can't wait, but then I've always enjoyed Bleeding from my ears.
You still vacuum In the nude? Why don't you get some Blinds for that glass Door, you sick fuck? It kind of turns you on, Though, doesn't it? Oh, yeah.
It makes me sick.
Listen, why don't You spell your name With capital letters Like everyone else-- [Music starts] Oh, fuck.
Great 8 years.
You look great.
And the cards Are at the desk, Here are your aspirin.
And did you go To the bathroom? I forgot.
Ok, then don't Drink the water.
I already had juice.
Larry, you got To learn how to plan ahead.
Oh, no.
Oh, terrific, Terrific crowd Out there.
You know what, artie? I have to go to The bathroom, i think.
Hey, good sign.
Happy eighth.
Hank: larry sanders! [Audience cheers] Thank you so much.
I know it-- It's hard I know.
I know.
Let me It seems longer Than 8, doesn't it? Honest to god.
Do you believe It's been 8 years, hank? We've been on the air [Applause, cheering] Does it seem like Yes.
[Audience laughs] This is-- this is one of My longest relationships In my life Is with hank for 8 years.
And, uh.
We're-- we-- I-- i will say this As a compliment to you.
I never get Tired of you, And the sex Is as fresh as ever.
[Audience laughs] The, uh [Cheering] The, uh And if i may be so bold-- Yes, sir.
I think the reason is Is because we have No expectations And it is always a surprise When it happens.
[Audience laughs] The-- ha ha ha ha ha ha! But now it is 1995, And my god, we just had That million-man march.
Uh, million-man march In washington, And bill clinton Saw them out there And opened his door up And said "please, please Take whatever you want.
Just don't hurt my family.
" [Laughter, applause] Again, let me apologize For the limo debacle.
That driver Is severely stupid.
Hey, come on.
It's all right.
I just got a new car, And i love the smell Of fresh leather.
I just need a quick Pre-interview from you, And then i'll get Out of your hair.
Listen, i thought I'd talk about my son.
You know, in fact, Look, i have a picture.
Isn't he cute? Cutie.
Anything else? I could do the stuff About the o.
Verdict? Great.
Anything else? Well, my dog.
You know, We can always do that Stuff about the dog.
Ok, what else? I really think that's Enough, you know? I mean, come on, I've done the show A million times.
Larry and i will just Wing it out there.
You know, larry's not Really comfortable with, uh, Just winging it.
I think he'd really rather Just get it on the cards And- -and work from that.
You know, what is Wrong with him? I mean, How scared is he? It's a talk show.
You'd think The man could Just talk, all right? Did you see o.
? By the way [Audience laughs] He's playing golf again.
Evidently, he believes The real killer Is somewhere on the back 9.
[Audience laughs] [Sighs] oh, my god.
[Audience applauds] He evidently got A triple-bogey on One of the holes, And tried to blame it on A colombian drug lord.
Phil: i was under The impression That you wanted To do the sketch.
I liked it When i read it.
Thank you.
And i thought it was-- You wrote it? Yeah.
Oh, i didn't know You wrote it.
But when i put it On its feet, It, uh-- i didn't Think it worked.
Yeah, well, During rehearsal, You guys were great.
I mean, very Hilarious stuff.
Guard: phil! I don't think It went well.
When larry Is on the table, And he's got that Terrible paper cut, And you guys are Arguing about over Which show is better: chicago hope or er? And-- and, uh-- you know, It was very funny.
It's boring.
It's, uh Phil: yeah? I don't want to do that.
Why not? I'll do something else.
I mean, i'm-- Come up with another idea, And i'll do something.
I'm-- wow.
I'm-- uh, What didn't You like about it? I don't think it's funny.
Phil: what part about it Don't you think is funny? First of all, i think It's offensive to our show.
The things that you put In the sketch are offensive.
You're making fun of issues That go on in the show.
You're making fun of things That are sensitive to people.
We talk about sensitive issues On the show.
You're talking about medicare, You're talking about Marfan syndrome, You're talking About multiple sclerosis.
You're talking about things That matter to people.
Lot of room for comedy In there.
Their show doesn't talk About that shit.
Their show's a broader show.
It's more entertainment.
I don't think our show is Any broader than your show.
I'm not saying-- Maybe more exciting.
No, i'm not saying it As a critical thing.
I'm just saying that our show Is character-driven, And your show is basically Everybody's gorgeous, And everybody's Fucking everybody else.
No, no, no.
I see.
I understand.
You can go out, You can eat something-- You're upset because Nobody watches your show.
Oh, who's going To watch the-- I don't watch The fucking show.
Do you guys realize You're doing the sketch? We're on cbs.
Who's going to watch-- Hey, would you guys Just shut up?! It's larry's Eighth-year show.
Have some respect.
Come on.
Watch the fucking show.
So you don't want To do the sketch.
I don't want to do That sketch.
I'm not saying I won't do a sketch.
I'll do a sketch.
I don't want-- I'm trying to look after-- Never mind.
Well, i think It's very funny-- How much i got to say it? When you call for backup And, you know-- I'm not doing The one you wrote.
Buddy hackett comes in.
Would you guys really Please just shut up? Are you on the show? Yeah, i am.
What are you doing? I'm a sportscaster.
What-- what do you-- What do you cast? Uh, basketball.
I've never seen-- And something about his Voice wasn't right.
What the f-- oh, man.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I'm just-- What the fuck Are you talking about? All right, you won't Do the sketch? We won't do the sketch.
I don't want To put any pressure-- I didn't say I wouldn't do a sketch, I said i'm fine Doing a sketch.
I would love a shrimp.
I don't want to put Any pressure on you guys, But larry saved this For the anniversary show.
You want to make yourself Look like an idiot? Trust me for a minute.
Come here.
Sit down for one second.
Sit down.
Come here.
Noah-- Listen to me.
Noah-- noah, you're acting Like a fucking 2-year-old.
Stay tuned, because We have noah wyle, Mandy patinkin, Pat o'brien, And rosie o'donnell.
You can stick around.
No flipping.
No flipping.
Thank you.
[Audience cheers] Classy monologue.
I told you I should have peed Before i went on.
Well, that's my fault.
I should have believed you.
You know, We'll scrap the sketch, But mandy's going To sing, ok? Fine.
It doesn't matter to me.
All i know-- Hey, larry.
Hey, rosie.
That was a funny Monologue.
Oh, great.
We'll see You out there.
Come on.
Listen, Can i talk to you For a sec? Um, i sort of Blew off The pre-interview Before with paula-- Oh, no, that's ok.
Is that all right? Yeah, you don't need To do a pre-interview.
You see, that's What i told her.
You know, Because you and I are friends, And we'll just Wing it out there.
You think quick On your feet.
I'm quick.
I'll be sitting, But i'm quick on my ass.
[Laughs] [Laughs] That's funny.
All right, listen, I just wanted To show you.
That's the boy.
Oh, darling.
That's my son.
That is So beautiful.
Is he gorgeous? You know What he found Yesterday? He found out How to use his Hands, you know? He always knew They were there, But he didn't Know he could Control them.
So now he's Pulling my hair, He's pulling My shirt.
We had that when we had Chuck grodin on.
Larry, we're back In 10 seconds.
Well, so i'll See you out There then, lar.
Good job.
Thank you.
See you later.
All right.
It'll be fun.
I mean, For god sakes.
Paula? Did you see Rosie o'donnell On tom snyder The other night? I'll get The pre-interview.
We are back.
[Audience cheers] And, uh Well, my first Guest is You know, it's A special night, And we have a special Show for you.
My first guest Recently won an emmy For his performance As dr.
Jeffrey geiger On chicago hope, And he's an accomplished Broadway performer.
And i'm really A big fan.
Please welcome Mandy patinkin.
[Cheers and applause] There he is.
The people know you And they love you.
Congratulations On your emmy.
What a wonderful, Wonderful award, And well deserved, If i may say.
Thank you.
How long has chicago hope been on? We've been on 8 years.
How long has chicago hope been on? We, uh, we're going in-- This is our second year.
We've, uh, been on for one-- Wow.
So you've been Doing that show for A year and a half? Right.
Boy That is great.
That is great.
We've been on.
[Audience laughs] Have you, uh-- did-- Has your show Ever won, uh, the emmy? So are you doing a lot Of broadway now or [Audience laughs] Um Are you going to-- [Whispering] I don't-- i didn't-- We don't, For some reason, Have your new cd here.
It is-- if someone Backstage could get it, It's on my desk in my office, Because i was playing it, And i can't tell you How much i love it.
I'm not kidding.
It is called, uh-- You know, I don't remember the-- I love the picture Of you on the front.
There's a picture Of you like this.
I have one.
I'm not kidding.
There's mandy.
Can we get a shot Of that in any way? [Audience applauds] That is mandy, uh, thinking.
Open it up.
I will open it up.
You're very pushy.
I'm going to open it up, But we can't play it.
We don't Have a cd player here.
What are you going to ask me? Do you have things-- I'm going to ask you To tell me About your circumcision Because i-- Ha ha ha! Could tell-- Honestly, i could tell From the way You're pushing this cd That you've had one.
Have you had one? Huh? Have you had one? I've had 8.
I've had 8.
They keep Going back for more, And frankly it is To the point now Where it is whittled Down to nothing.
Really? Artie, maybe I should go out now.
Just wait a minute, Georgie boy.
I mean, we're going To get you on there.
I give you My word of honor.
But we just got to wait For the right moment.
I told you to go To the bathroom.
Of, forget blame.
Tropical storm larry's About to knock down A small wood-framed house.
I've alerted the audience To head for higher ground.
Rosie: I do not fucking Believe this! Larry, come on.
Here we go.
We have a problem.
Yeah, just a second.
Good news.
Want to hear what happened? My brand-new $42,000 acura legend Has a big dent in it.
Why, you might ask, Do i have my own car Here on the lot Parked 3 miles away? Because the limo Didn't show up! So farrah fawcett decided To hit my new car! Jesus, larry! I can't believe i have To deal with this! Is she on next? Yes.
Well, what are We going to do? No problema.
We'll move noah wyle up.
Man: back in 10 seconds.
Oh, my god.
I'm burning.
Larry, i'm sorry.
We got to go.
I'm literally Burning.
I-- i can't believe you didn't Get to use the bathroom.
Oh, my god.
Oh, jesus, he's doing The potty dance.
Get a clamp.
Man: 5, 4, 3, 2 Larry: we're back.
My next guest is, uh, A star of The hit series er, So i-- i assume There's a little, uh, Inter-medical, Uh, competition.
I've never Used the phrase "Inter-medical" before.
He, uh, he has A delightful Boyish charm, As does mandy.
I take nothing Away from him.
Please welcome Noah wyle.
Noah? [Cheers and applause] Noah wyle.
You know, you-- you do A show for 8 years, You have an Anniversary show that You want to be special.
Thank you.
I couldn't ask for Anything more than, uh, Guys from medical shows To be here.
[Audience laughs] Thank you.
I have-- first of all, You should, uh-- Thank you For being here.
My pleasure.
Do you watch the show Every night? Every night.
Every night For 8 years.
And you're on Once a week? Yes.
Well, that must Be tough.
So, now So, uh-- [Laughs] Let's talk About, uh, er.
Let's talk about er.
You are the youngest Cast member on er? I am the youngest Cast member.
What a hot, hot, Hot, hot show.
Yeah, it's doing all right.
I mean, my god.
Everybody watches er.
Yeah, everybody I know does.
Mandy: who cares? [Laughs] I knew we were Going to get into it.
I knew we were Going to get into it.
I don't watch it.
I don't watch Your show, either.
So you are The youngest-- I suggest that You don't constantly Look to the right.
Larry: now tell me about The character you play? Now? [Mouthing word] Noah: underneath The tutelage Of eriq la salle's Character dr.
You seem like you would Be the kind of A leading man Kind of guy.
You-- you have an On-air romance in er? I'm just starting To have one.
Yeah, they cast A young actress Named christina leist To play my Love interest.
Uh, and that's Coming along well.
Will you be naked with her? I'm sorry.
Uh, maybe.
Well, let me Ask you this.
Do you think you'll Be naked with her? Maybe.
Maybe, yeah.
They don't tell us too much About what's going to happen.
We can't have anyone In this hallway! As soon as the noah wyle Segment is done, We've got to clear a path From the crash doors All the way down To the bathroom.
Beverly? All clear.
Uh, cool it, arthur.
You sure do like to hear The sound of your voice.
Fred de cordova, You great son Of a bitch indeed.
You look fucking Terrific, buddy.
And your vocabulary Has really improved.
I've been watching the show.
It's very, very smooth.
First class.
Thank you.
Hey, what Are you doing here? Well, i came by To congratulate you On your eighth anniversary.
Oh, that's so nice.
Thank you.
And-- and, uh, johnny Wanted me to-- To tell you how much He enjoys your show.
Johnny? You talked to johnny? Don't you need to Drain your lizard? Excuse me.
He talked to johnny.
What else did Johnny have to say? Uh, nothing about you.
He, uh, has other Things on his mind.
Beverly: Larry? Larry.
Well, you Look great, fred.
You really look great.
Thanks very much, but you Haven't seen my lungs.
[Laughs] he should Guest host sometime.
Oh, i concur.
Ah, so do i.
Back in Oh, jesus.
All right, look, When kd lang is singing, I'm going to get up, I'm going to be Coming back here To go to the bathroom.
Clear the hallways, 'Cause my dick Is going to be out, And it's going To be spraying.
We'll keep it clear Out here for you.
Yeah, we'll Form a runway All the way up To the bathroom.
Back with our Eighth-anniversary show.
What a great night.
My next guest is one of My really favorite singers.
This is her new album Called all you can eat.
It's out on Warner brothers records, And she's going to do her Hit single"if i were you.
" Kd lang.
[Audience cheers] * If i could only be * * The queen of popularity * * Things would just * * Come to me so easily * * What i * * Would do * * What i * * Could do * * If i could * * Always be * * A miss congeniality * * No one * * Could stand to be * * Away from me * * What i * * Would do * * What i * * Could do * * I could do anything * * If i were you * * I would have everything * * If i were you * [Harp solo] * What i * * Would do * * What i * * Could do * * I could do anything * * F i were you * * I would have everything * * If i were you * Yeah! Somebody's In here.
I'm sorry, but this takes A lot longer than it used to.
All right.
I'll hurry.
No problem.
[Sighs] Larry? Oh, hey, hey, farrah.
What are you doing here? I'm--i'm looking For rosie o'donnell.
Oh, you know, she was Just looking for you.
I think she said you hit Her car or something.
I just nicked her car.
You know, The morons at the gate Are making such A big deal about this.
It's--i'm sorry.
You sure smell good.
[Laughs] you look great.
How've you been? Oh, i've been good.
What is that That you wear? Oh, give me a kiss.
What are you doing? I'm saying Hello to larry.
You're supposed to be Looking for rosie o'donnell.
Hey, ryan.
I'm not talking To you, larry.
You bumped me Off your show.
Well, those Things happen.
Come on, let's go.
No, no, i want To stay here And get this thing Settled with rosie.
Well, she's irish.
You better be careful, She'll kick your ass.
Oh? You're irish, You've never been able to.
So you have your car, Go ahead.
If there's a problem With my car, You can take Me home, right? I've got to take a piss.
[Groans] Man: we're back In 10 seconds.
I've got to go Do the show.
I'm going to find rosie.
You feel better? I did nothing.
Pat o'brien won't Be able to get on.
Well, i want Those fucking tickets.
Can i go? Yes.
You got 'em.
I was interviewing Robert parish one time, Who i know and i've Interviewed a hundred times, And in the middle Of the interview, I could not, For the life of me, Think of The guy's name.
And i'm standing there Talking to him, And i've got to say His name at some point, So i kept calling him "Big fella.
" Right.
And i called him Everything but his number.
" You know? [Laughs] And one time, I forgot my own name.
We were doing The final 4, and, uh-- [Audience laughs] No, it's true.
We were doing the tournament, And on the first couple days Of the tournament, You do, like, 18 games.
And then, when you see them In your house, You're seeing me do halftime And open for one game, But when i'm done with yours, I do it for another game.
So all day long, for 8 hours, That's all i'm doing Is halftimes and openings.
It's staggered.
And on about the 15th one, I came back, and i said, "Hi, everybody.
I'm, uhI'm, uh" And in my ear they go "You're pat o'brien.
You're pat o'brien.
" [Audience laughs] So, i mean, It gets wild.
Did you say, finally, "I'm the big fella?" [Audience laughs] What a great night.
This is about As good as it gets.
Thanks for being here.
My next guest Is an old friend.
Uh, her special was Nominated for an emmy, And she's just, uh, Really, really funny And one of my favorites.
Rosie o'donnell.
Rosie o'donnell.
[Cheers and applause] Wow.
I'm finally Out here.
Pat: a little crowded Over here.
It was like forever.
I thought i'd never get out.
I'm going to say This in front of Everyone else.
We saved the best For last.
Rosie: that is so sweet.
That's sweet, larry.
I'm going.
Wait, wait.
No, no, no.
Just take it-- I'm gonna get you In there.
You're funny, you're Beautiful, and, uh-- So tell me about you-- You just adopted a baby, Didn't you? Yes, i did.
With all-- every-- It is a gorgeous, Lovely-- A beautiful baby boy.
With everything that is Going on in your life.
Yes, tell us about it.
It's the most wonderful thing I ever done-- Did i go to college? Ha ha ha ha ha! Do you need A babysitter? Do you need A babysitter? I do, in fact.
My older son could-- He babysits.
No kidding.
Because we both Live in new york.
Is your baby-- I know you adopted him And all, But did he get circumcised? Yes, he did, in fact.
I was listening.
He had a bris.
So you used the mohel.
Yes, i used a mohel.
And it was really scary Because you think it's just Going to be a pull and snip.
You know, but it's not.
It's that insertion Around the side To loosen the-- And the mother was crying, Being-- Look at all the men Crunching over.
I like that.
And then, you know, It wasn't fun.
It really wasn't fun.
Thank god You used the mohel Because if you don't Have a m-- What i was trying To say earlier Is to have a doctor do it-- Is-- i think it has Psychological damage In a long-term way.
I think you're probably right, You know? And i-- Yes.
Hi, lar.
Ha ha ha.
Uh Hey, what's The matter, larry? I-- i literally-- I've never done This before.
I have to stop the tape, Because, honestly, I have to go To the bathroom.
[Laughs] Oh, that's funny, larry.
Can we-- no, i do.
I have to really Take a leak.
You're going To stop the show? I just got here.
We can stop the tape, And then we'll pick up After i go To the bathroom.
He's kidding.
Is he kidding? No, i'm not kidding.
Are you teasing me? I really-- don't make-- Come on! You have to pee? Larry! Larry! I used to have A trough under here, And someone Has taken it.
Rosie: listen to me, larry, A real man can Hold his urine, ok? That's all I have to say.
Don't make me laugh.
I'm going to wet my pants.
I have to pee now-- This carpet can't take Any more ur-- [Audience cheers] Somebody said You needed A pair of pants.
[Laughs] no, we have To stop the tape.
[Cheering and yelling] [Audience cheering] Good night, everybody.
This is the best Anniversary show We've ever done.
Good night.
What an embarrassment.
Thank you.
[Audience cheers] [Chattering] [Audience whistling]