The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s05e04 Episode Script

Ellen, or Isn't She?

What about montana? The cold weather Will be invigorating.
I'll die there.
They'll find me In the spring Buried in the snow Like one of those Fucking dead moose.
I need heat.
Let's take the show To, umHell.
Or hawaii.
Well, we gotta have A lot better numbers To go to hawaii.
Well, you know, If we had Better numbers, We wouldn't need To go on the road To get better numbers.
Fuck me.
Cheer up.
Come on.
We're gonna have A wonderful dinner.
It's my birthday.
I forgot.
I forgot It's your birthday! No, you didn't.
You already Booked reservations At my favorite restaurant.
You're surprising me With a cake-- Chocolate hazelnut.
Thanks, buddy.
Good.
Well, You're welcome.
How thoughtful of me.
You're the best.
Come on.
Come on, It's my birthday.
All right.
Beverly, i'm in a bit Of a hurry.
Guard this With your life.
Put it in my desk, Bottom right-hand Drawer.
It's the budget.
[Loudly] Come on! I'd be happy to.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Gee.
Come on.
Let's go.
I'm coming.
Shoot.
[Machine copying] [Gasps] What?! Oh, you can't go Sneaking up on people Like that! This is the copy room.
I came in To make a copy.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Are you smoking pot? No.
I'm just Making a copy Of something.
Hey, beverly What? What? I think something Really cool Is going on here, And you're not Letting me in on it.
Ok Mary lou, If i show you Something, You promise--you promise You won't tell A single soul? Yes.
Ok.
This is the budget To the show.
Where'd you get this? I kinda borrowed it From artie.
You stole it? No, i didn't steal it.
I was just gonna Make one copy For myself, And then i was gonna, Uh, put it right back.
Wow, everyone's salaries Are in here.
Yeah, that's right.
Everybody.
Oh, my god.
Look how much Jake the grip makes.
Next time He asks me out, I'm gonna say yes.
Goodness gracious, Check out hair and makeup.
Livin' large.
How can you make That much money For just standing Around gossiping? Oh, don't you just Hate 'em? They have nothing Better to do Than just snoop in other Peoples' business.
Yeah.
Yeah? Why? I mean, well, Like i said, It was eva gabor It was her first orgasm, And she just couldn't Thank me enough.
We were hurtling along Across mulholland, About 80 miles an hour.
Zsa zsa was at the wheel.
Oh, mama! And i was-- As you might say-- I was working Under the hood.
Heh heh! I get it.
I get it.
Open--open this.
Open this up.
Oh, buddy.
Open it.
No, you shouldn't have.
Oh, you deserve it.
Oh, look what you got me.
What did you get? What is it? It's a wallet.
It's got a fish on it.
Oh, that's a nice one.
You like it? Yeah.
Ok.
You--it's yours.
Really? 'Cause i need A new wallet.
Yeah.
You-- You can have it.
It's yours.
This is The best birthday I've ever had.
[Whispering] Oh, gee.
Don't breathe! Ellen degeneres Is at 12 o'clock.
No, no, that's 3 o'clock.
No, this is No, you're 3.
I'm 12 o'clock.
My 3 o'clock Is over that way.
No, goddamn it! Just tell me Where she is.
She's right Over your shoulder.
Don't look! That's That lady is a lightning rod Of sexual controversy.
I smell ratings.
And i smell Glenlivet.
I am not Going over there To ask her To do the show.
Just boost our ratings Just a teeny tiny bit, huh? Then we can all Go to * Ooh-ooh * * Bling bling * Whoo-whoo! * Hmm-mm-mmm * Hawaii? Ok.
Hi.
Hi, ellen.
Sorry to interrupt.
Hi, larry.
Hi.
Are you our waiter? I am your waiter.
Gee, I thought things Were going so well.
Please, let's not Get into it here.
Would you ladies Like to hear the specials? This is My friend sarah.
Hello.
Hello.
Listen, you were great On leno the other night.
Just terrific, really.
Thank you.
We'd love to have you On our show sometime.
Really? Um I'm on hiatus This week.
I could do it.
This week works for us.
How 'bout thursday, 'Cause that's good For me.
Thursday we've Got superman, hercules, And dr.
Quinn medicine woman.
Wow.
Well, then, Some other time.
No, no, hercules can go Fuck himself.
Come on.
We'll bump him, You come on.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
I would love to.
Great.
Ok.
So, Could we maybe Have dinner And talk about What i'll do On the show? Sure.
That's a great idea.
I'm so excited.
This has made my night.
Yeah.
Well, Me, too.
Thanks.
Ok, well, Let me get you ladies Some rolls.
I'll get some rolls And i'll come back.
Get bread rolls.
Whatever you want.
Yeah, sourdough Is good.
You got it.
I--i may not be back For a couple of days.
Ok.
Heh heh heh.
Well, i booked her.
I booked her For this week.
Yeah? And we're gonna Have dinner To talk about what She's gonna do On the show.
Is her girlfriend Coming, too? Oh, for god sakes.
How come every time You see 2 women Together, You automatically Think they're gay? Oh, come on, Larry.
What? We're together.
Does that mean We're gay?! No, but the night's Still young.
It's my birthday.
No, no, This isn't right.
You've got All of hank's lines Under the name "Nurse libido.
" That's his name In the sketch.
Yeah, haven't i told you That you never write Hank's character name On the card? You have to write "hank," Or he won't read it.
Goddamn it, How many times Do i have to fucking Go over this with you?! Up yours, You snot-nosed kid! Are you on A magic marker high? Just because you make More money than me Doesn't mean you're My boss.
Are you nuts? I worked for bob hope.
You should be Kissing my ass That i even print Your shit.
[Scoffs] Then why to they pay me Huh, jerkby? It's 5 times.
Christ, this is The budget.
Where did you get this? From my ass! Look at what The best boy makes.
He doesn't deserve that.
Where you goin'? I'm gonna give him Some shit.
I don't have A tie on.
I know.
I'm just Fixing your collar.
Try to get her To come out on our show.
Oh, for god sakes, Letterman tried that.
He got nowhere.
I'm not gonna do it.
So what? Why would she Come out on letterman? Because david obviously Has crossed over To the dark side Of the forest.
Larry: please stop.
Have a nice dinner.
Thank you.
Who you going To dinner with? I'm going With ellen degeneres.
Oh, really? I like her.
Yeah, i hear she plays On her own team, If you--if you know What i mean.
Yeah? Really? Well, listen, I believe i know more About homosexuality Than you two.
After all, i'm the one With the gay assistant.
And that's-- That's why i know She's a doughnut humper.
Bumper.
That's why i know She's a doughnut bumper.
All right.
See you guys later.
You know, artie, If i pull this off I'm telling you, The network better Let me do the show Wherever the fuck we want.
Well, fiji, hawaii.
I mean, they'd be So goddamn happy, They would let us Do the fucking show From between Anna nicole smith's Titties.
All right, Here we go.
Where are you going? To my car.
Well, you're not Going with us.
I know that.
Well, where you goin'? What's it to ya? Jesus, hank is The most overpaid man In show business.
Give me that.
Jake, who gave this To you? Mary lou: hey, jake.
Hey, mary lou.
Beverly: oh, I should have guessed.
You, uh, Ready to go? Sure.
Uh, let me Go get my jacket.
Brian, thank god You're still here.
You've gotta help me.
I--i made a big mistake.
I mean, Thanks to me, This budget's All over the office.
Oh, i know.
Phil: fuck this.
I need to make more money.
Oh, dear god.
Oh--oh, there i am! Oh, those jerks.
They spelled my name Wrong.
Oh, that-- Trollop! Yeah, he is.
Uh, that--that's you? Yeah.
Oh, my god! Phil: beverly, tell larry That i want to see him First thing in the morning.
Look at this.
That's hank.
That's your salary?! Yeah, that's my salary, But look at hank's Salary.
Oh, my god! I can't believe that guy.
He said he was broke.
He's been Borrowing money from me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Just a minute.
Um I--i make $5.
00 more a week Than you make? Yeah.
I mean, Don't you think You should make A little bit more Than me? Yeah, but i only make $5.
00 more than you.
In a year, that's $250.
Yeah, but, i've been Larry's assistant For 8 years, brian.
Oh, well, beverly, um, I was with la streisand for 5 years, And i had high Salary quotes.
And besides, i work Really hard for hank.
I don't care.
I do everything For larry.
He's a big baby.
Oh, really? Have you ever waxed Larry's back? Have you ever Poked around In great dane shit Looking for a ring? No, i haven't, But that's just because I'm more a crucial part To this production.
We'll talk about, uh, Your cd.
Is that what You want to do? Yeah.
You know, We should do That funny story That i told you About my mother.
Oh, that's A great story.
We'll do that, And then we can talk About your series, Or, um You know, uh, Whether your character's Coming out gay.
Get that out of the way.
And then, uh-- I think that's over.
I don't think Anybody cares.
Oh, i think the audience Is still interested, You know.
I think It's one of those things That we should At least touch on.
I don't know.
It's--it's--it's-- I don't--see, here, My thing-- I don't see What the big deal is.
I just--i mean, I'm an actress.
I don't--i should be able To play a homosexual, A heterosexual, anything.
I mean, john lithgow Isn't really From outer space.
Well, you don't know him As well as i do.
I think there's A good chance he is.
[Laughs] You know, it hurts.
All that publicity And we're still getting Our ass kicked by the nanny.
That hurts.
Yeah.
Maybe we can Have fun with it.
Maybe there's a way to Come up with something That would be, You know-- You know--different, Fun.
Yeah.
You know What might be funny If, uh--if you ask me If my character's gay, Yeah.
And, uh, i take a moment, And then i become Ellen morgan And then i kiss you.
And then-- Then you can decide.
That could be funny.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, um Like this.
[Laughs] That should--that-- I think the audience-- I'll tell you What's funnier.
What would be A funnier way to go, If i--if i may? Yeah.
Is i think you go Even a little further.
So, you do the same thing.
You ask if your character's gay, And then i go To test you and i-- See, 'cause then-- Then it looks like-- It looks like, uh-- It looks like you're really Getting into it.
Getting into it.
Yeah, that would be.
That would fool 'em.
You know what-- What might be, um, Hilarious-- If we want to Really go for hilarious, Which i know We both do Yeah.
If, um--if we, uh-- You do the--the question, And then i-- And then i kiss you, But when i kiss you, Instead, it's more like-- God, what a surprise.
Yeah.
That is--jesus.
I mean, where did you Learn all that? Oh, camp.
Well, good job.
Yeah, thanks.
I, um I have to get to work.
Aww So Um, what time do i get To the show? It's times like this, larry, That i am so fucking excited To be your agent.
The second ellen comes out, Or her character comes out, Or i don't give a shit which.
I am on the phone With promotions, And we're cutting promos.
"Tonight, Ellen has a secret, And larry's got it!" And, you know, She's also got A hilarious story About her mother.
Who gives a shit.
Unless she had sex With her mother.
Now, that would be a great cue.
"Tonight on larry sanders, "Ellen sleeps With her mother! It's a family affair!" Aren't we hitting this A little hard? Well, she's the one That's been promoting it.
We're just playing along.
Larry, you just Get her relaxed, And then boom! You pounce on her! Oh, jesus christ! I am so excited.
The only thing That would be better Is if you came out! All right, look, you know, I think we're avoiding One little question Here.
What if she's not A lesbian? Did you guys ever Think of that? Oh, man.
I-- She's a lesbian, I can tell.
I've had sex With a lesbian.
So you had sex With a lesbian.
You gotta have sex With 2 lesbians.
That's the whole point.
Well, wait a minute.
Are you--did-- You're saying a lesbian Can have sex With a man? Yeah.
Best piece of ass I ever had.
Really? I need to make More money.
Phil! What? Oh, i'm sorry.
Did i just say that out loud? I've been saying it Over and over In my head, And i guess one Just slipped out.
Yeah, it slipped out, All right.
Why don't you try Slippin' it back in? Artie: listen, Can we have a meeting Here, you two? Come on.
Phil, what do you think About ellen? I'd like to make What she makes.
Uh-huh.
Well, i think maybe Larry is right, Because i've seen ellen With men before.
Someone shut her up! Come on, you know-- Ok, i'm sorry.
I apologize.
There's no reason For me to be A prick.
But it's my job, All right? I'm sorry.
I'm just So excited here, Larry.
It's hard to Contain myself.
This is Our opportunity here To kick leno's fucking ass! Who, uh--who else Is on tonight? My first guest Is a wonderful actress And a hilarious Comedienne.
We're thrilled To have her On the show.
She's, of course, The star Of her own sitcom Called ellen.
This is her new cd, taste this.
Please welcome Ellen degeneres.
[Audience cheers wildly, Band plays] Good audience.
What's going on, Beverly? I can't even Hear larry Above the Rustling Of papers.
What do you mean? I think you know What i mean.
I just happened To pick up a copy Of my budget yesterday, And it smelled remarkably Like chanel number 5 [Sniffs] A fragrance which I believe you wear.
I am so sorry, artie.
I did not mean For this to happen.
I don't want To hear that shit.
This is what You're going to do.
You're going to tell The entire staff And crew That this year We'll be shooting shows All through Christmas week, Including christmas eve.
Is that true? No, but by the time They find out, They will have forgotten All about the fucking budget.
Please don't make me Do that.
They'll all hate me.
Of course they will, Sweetie.
And that's why, My dearest, You make $5.
00 a week More than brian.
Skiddoo! So let's talk About the series.
What's the plan For this series ellen? It's been in the news, As you well know.
You know, i don't know What you're talking about.
I--i keep hearing Little flutters of things.
I don't watch tv, myself.
I don't-- I don't own a tv, so-- Now, why don't you own A tv? It influences me too much In my work.
I recently caught An old cosby rerun, And suddenly My character's a black, And i just--no more.
I saw that one.
That was a good one.
So on the series this year, Is the character gonna Be dating A lot of guys on the series? Yeah, that's a good thing To watch for.
You want to watch every week To find out if she will Do that or not.
That would be great.
Is there any-- Is the character-- There's a rumor going around That she could be, you know-- The character this season May actuallly, um-- Well, let me ask you this.
Would your character-- I'm trying to scramble Some of these words around To form a sentence.
Well, let me ask you this.
Would the, uh-- Would the-- [Audience applauds] Would the character-- Would the character of ellen Ever sleep with a man? Well, sure, If he were feminine enough.
Let's take a break.
We'll come right back With ellen degenere After this break.
[Audience applauds, cheers] Be right back.
Man: clear! Are you going To keep hammering me About this lesbian stuff?! I think this is going great.
I think this is very funny.
I don't.
I do.
Look, i'm just Doing my job.
It's funny.
You're just doing your job.
You know, i understand If this is coming From letterman.
I didn't sleep With him.
Am--am--am i The only host You've slept with? Am i the only guest You've slept with? What is the matter With you? Very, very, Very, funny.
I not only Peed me pants, I shat them.
[Quietly] boy, she's Getting ready to crack.
Boy, tingling On my back-- My hair and my-- I am moving on To the mother story.
Ok? You're the boss.
Listen, when we Started this show, We agreed that The duty of The talk show host Was to be Controversial And funny No matter What the cost.
Why don't you Go get her? The whole nation Is watching.
Sic her, tiger.
Ok, let's just-- Let's just--let's just-- Let's just be-- Be honest.
Ok? Ok, let's do that.
We're back With ellen degeneres.
[Audience applauding] We were just talking About your new-- Your--we were Just talking About your series-- Your wonderfully Successful television Series, And whether The character of ellen Was in fact, gay-- No, i don't recall That that's what We were talking about.
We were talking about, You know-- We should just Be honest about this.
Man, i give up.
You know what beverly Just told me? What? We have to work Christmas week.
What?! No way.
I'm going home Christmas week.
I'm flying home! No.
Well, you're not Going home now.
You're right.
It's time to be honest.
I think that-- [Audience roars] Um, i've always-- I've always felt That my private life Is my private life, But for some reason, People want My private life To be a part Of my public life.
Well, you know, As a celebrity, I think you share Some of that With the public.
I think i do owe that To the public.
So, i--i guess I should say That i, last night, Slept with larry sanders.
[Audience roars] Audience, chanting: Larry! Larry! Larry Ok It was, uh-- It was terrific.
I mean, It was actually-- What's odd, though, It seemed--you Seemed very uncomfortable With me on top, And i thought, "Why is it?" But then again, You seemed uncomfortable With me on the bottom, too.
So i don't know what To tell you.
It was great.
Did you enjoy it As much as i did? [Nervous laugh] There was a-- There was one time And i--i--that-- First of all, You're very, Very attentive, too.
He must have--me must have Asked me 3 times, "How am i doing?" And so, uh That was, uh-- That was sweet of you.
There was one time-- I woke up this morning Thinking that there was Something very amazing.
Thing's that i'd Never felt before, And i realized I was laying On your hairbrush At one point.
And, uh I guess we'll be Doing the show From bakersfield now.