The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s05e06 Episode Script

The Matchmaker

Hi, this is marylou collins Calling from the larry sanders show For tom hanks.
Thank you.
Hello? Tom? Oh, my god! Hi! It's marylou collins From the larry sanders show.
Yeah, i'm calling to do Your pre-interview.
That's right.
Oh, my god! You sound Just like you do in the movies.
[Imitates tom hanks] Stupid is as stupid does.
Remember when you Were in bosom buddies And you had that wig on? Hold on a second, tom.
No, put him On hold.
What are you doing? I can't believe I'm talking to tom hanks! Now you're not gonna Believe i'm talking To tom hanks.
Tom? Hi, it's paula, How are you? Good, me, too.
Listen, can I put you on hold For one sec.
I don't wanna hurt Your feelings, ok? But clearly, you Suck at this job.
And if you Don't get better, You're gonna Get fired.
This is not The cat counter At petco, ok? Oh, uh, brian.
Why didn't you Call shadow stevens And tell him About the poker game Last night? I did, hank.
I left a message On his answering machine.
Well, no, He didn't show up, And when i called Him, he said he had No idea about it.
Yeah, well, i don't know, I left it there.
Well, what number Did you use? It's on your rolodex.
That's the Old number.
Oh, i'm so sorry.
The new number's In your rolodex, Brian.
I'm sorry.
Are you crying? Please, don't Do that.
Excuse me.
[Sighs] Beverly, i-- i-- i, Can i talk to you For just one moment? Do you know anybody Who needs a job? What sort of job? Well, as My assistant.
I'm sorry, i can't Take it anymore.
I give brian A little criticism And he's in The bathroom crying.
Oh, hank, don't you know What's going on with him? No.
He broke up with David last week.
David? His boyfriend, hank.
They've been together For over a year and a half.
Oh, my god.
I didn't know that.
I have the notes for The nicolette sheridan-- Can i call you Right back? I was on the phone.
Ok, i have the notes For the nicolette Sheridan interview.
Oh, great.
Good morning, larry.
Good morning.
Uh, marylou has The pre-interview For nicolette Sheridan for you.
Yeah, here you go.
Great stuff Last night, larry.
Really funny.
It's a dream come true For me to be Working on the show.
Well, that Makes one of us.
Ha ha ha! God! Kiss ass Much? I hoped i asked All the questions Larry would ask.
Did you ask if she'd Sleep with you? 'Cause then You nailed it.
I didn't know You'd just broken up With david.
That's ok.
No, it isn't.
I-- i-- i've just been An ass all week.
And i'm sorry.
Ah, it's all right.
David's right, I'm a loser.
Oh, come on.
Hank, they're ready For the audience Warm up.
Come on.
All right.
Do you, uh, Wanna have a drink After the show? I mean, anywhere You want.
Well, good.
So, how do i look? Mmm, missed a spot.
No, on your face.
I saw you in That tv movie mother, may i sleep with danger? You were Sensational, If i may say.
[Audience applauds] Um, larry, i wasn't In that movie.
Well, then, What movie-- I know you're great, And i'm a gigantic fan, And i saw you In, uh, this movie, UhThat-- Which movie Am i thinking of? Which one? Well, why don't We take a break, And we'll come Right back, And we'll figure out Which movie I'm thinking of.
I've been off For 3 years.
You've gotta Remember that.
We'll be right back, No flipping.
Did i do something wrong? Yes.
Did you see that? Oh, yes.
Yes, i watch everything On this magic box.
Well, that's The second time The notes have Been wrong.
You covered Very well, el jefe.
It was very, very funny.
I know that, But you know what? I just told Nicolette sheridan That she was Great in a movie, It turned out I was talking About tori spelling.
So i don't think She's gonna wanna be Going out With me now.
Let's fire marylou.
Oh, i can't do that.
Ah, look, larry, You never wanna fire anyone, And they just stay here And they end up Driving you crazy.
Was it my bad breath? Because, um, i ate An avocado today-- But avocado's don't Give you bad breath.
Hank, take your seat.
If people only knew.
Listen, i'm Really sorry, You know, About that.
Man: back in 5! [Audience applauds] We're back with Nicolette sheridan, And i think that We've talked enough About your career, Which is going So wonderfully.
Honestly, Congratulations.
Now, let's talk About what you do When you're Not working.
I understand you Were just in rome.
Paula I know.
I heard.
Marylou Is your friend.
She's still Learning, But this is The second time That larry's Been embarrassed Because her notes Have been wrong, And this has Got to stop.
Marylou, i know You're my friend, And i know you're Still learning, But this is The second time Larry's been embarrassed Because the notes Have been wrong, And this Has got to stop.
Well, nicolette Is wrong, too.
Because that movie Isn't even listed In tori spelling's bio.
Do you know why? You know why? 'Cause this Is tori amos' bio.
Tori amos is a singer, Not an actor.
Thanks for Taking me out, hank.
It's really nice of you.
You fall off The horse, What do you do? Yeah, i know.
Answer the question.
You fall off The horse, What do you do? You get back on the horse.
You get back On the horse And you go.
Go where? Wherever the fucking horse Goes.
Hey, now.
What? What? There's a guy Looking at you.
Don't look.
No, he's, um, He's at the end Of the bar.
He's, uh, Very attractive.
Let's go say hello.
Oh, no.
I don't No, i'm a loser.
Look at my hair.
You will do As i say.
Hey, now.
Oh, my go-- Do you know Who you are? Yes i do.
Do you Know who you are? Yes.
I'm gordon.
Hey, now, gordon.
Hey, now.
My god, this is a riot.
Alan! Come here.
Look at this.
It's hank kingsley.
Wow, it really Is hank kingsley.
Hey, now, alan.
This is a riot.
Yeah, that's What i said.
This is my friend, This is brian.
Can i tell you Something, hank? You are one of The main reasons I watch the show.
Really? Yes, you are Very popular In the gay Community, hank.
See, i told ya.
So, what brings you guys Out on the town? Well, brian broke up With his boyfriend, And so i thought I'd take him out and Show him a good time here.
We'd have some drinks, And we were just sitting, And, uh, talking about Getting back on the horse, When we saw you staring.
Staring? Really? Gordon: Uh, we really Should be going.
It was nice Meeting you hank.
Hey, i wasn't Staring.
See? I'm a loser.
You're not gonna Cry again, are ya? Oh, come on.
Come on.
Snap out of it.
The night is young.
Look, it's, uh, 9:00.
Ah, let's blow this place.
I mean, let's go someplace fun.
Well, you made Army archer's column.
I did? Just for variety, eh? Larry sanders' Sidekick hank kingsley Was seen getting A few kicks Of his own last night.
Kingsley was painting The town red at several Well known gay bars, Including, uh, rage, Spike, and mother lode.
Well, that's a lie.
We never went to mother lode.
Sidekick by day, Gay caballero by night.
I have to find An attractive woman To be seen with.
Yes! Yes! Rayneene, perfect.
We never went to The mother lode.
All right, now, You call her And you tell her I want her to come Down to the show.
Uh, we'll go to Spago afterwards, And then morton's, And, uh, it's gonna Be a limo, And it's gonna be First class All the way.
Tell her to wear Something very short And very tight.
Hank, you don't Have to do this.
I don't wanna Offend you, but, uh, I can't have people Thinking i'm gay.
I have endorsements, And, uh, i represent A lot of products.
This is ridiculous.
It is not ridiculous! This has been going on In hollywood for years.
The studios used To make sure That rock hudson Was seen in the company Of beautiful women All the time.
That way people Would know that he was A romantic leading man.
Rock hudson was gay.
I'll get right on this.
So, you're ok? You're feeling good? Yes, i'm fine.
Marylou, Tim conway.
Tim conway, Marylou.
How are you? Very nice to see you.
Really nice To meet you.
Thank you.
Listen, she'll be Doing the pre-interview, So if you need anything, Just let her know.
Oh, really? Well, I'd like my car detailed.
Um, uh, ok.
I'll look Into that.
I, uh, got The trainee, right? She's great.
Don't worry about it.
[Mutters] I can imagine.
Listen, dressing Room's in there.
Fruit platter, Soft cheeses That you like.
Bad, bad fruit.
Listen, kind of An emergency.
Harvey fierstein Is on his way in, But the airport Lost his luggage.
Do you understand What i'm saying? Yes, they lost His luggage.
So you'll Be doing tim conway's Pre-interview on your own.
I gotta go find artie.
Where's harriet? Harriet's doing class.
Who's gonna do Nicolette sheridan? What is wrong with you? Nicolette sheridan was On the show last night.
I know, but she's On my calendar For tonight, too.
What are you talking about? It's right there.
It's in your Handwriting.
Well, clearly, I wrote it on the wrong day.
I didn't know that, So i booked her again.
So, ok, you're Filming speed 2.
Anything funny Happen between you And sandra bullock? Mm-hmm.
Um, what was Your name again? Marylou.
Marylou, uh, i was wondering, Why isn't paula doing this? She's tied up.
Tied up.
And, uh, harriet? Tied up.
Tied up.
Ok, look, i've done This show a lot.
I really have, you know? Quite a few times, So, uh, i don't think There's-- it's necessary To go that much in-depth In the pre-interview thing, ok? I know that, But if i just ask-- Just have larry ask me About speed 2, ok?! He'll ask me about speed 2! I'll fill in! I'll have some funny stories About sandra, ok?! Ok.
Larry! Hey, marylou.
I just wanna tell you I'm really sorry about The mix-up last night.
Oh, it's ok.
Really, it's Not a problem.
I'm such a big fan Of the show.
My friends and I used to sit around And get really loaded And watch you all the time.
That's what my friends Used to do, too.
Um, i have, uh, Tim conway notes.
Hey, nicolette! Larry! OhSorry.
That is hot.
That is hot.
All right.
This is good.
Now my underpants Are gonna smell Like starbucks.
I'll get Some napkins.
Did youDid you see that? What am i gonna do now? Uh, may i fire her now? Nicolette sheridan's back.
Did you see that? You know why? Yes, i think I do know why.
I think she likes me.
No, because little Miss means-well Booked her on the Show again tonight.
Larry, i'd like you To meet rayneene.
Um, he's Fanning my penis Right now.
Maybe you better Go back to your, Uh, seat.
A little Embarrassing.
Uh, larry, i'd like you To do me a favor On the show tonight.
We're back from commercial, And, boy, listen to this.
We have a hot crowd and A hot show tonight.
I'm glad you're all here.
Before i introduce Our first guest, Uh, i believe We have somebody else To talk about.
You have, If i'm not mistaken, A date tonight.
Actually, i do.
I have a date and i, Uh, she'sCan we Introduce-- Is she here? She's here.
'Cause you've Brought her To your job.
Isn't that sweet? It's a good thing You don't work at A hardware store, Because then It'd be a bad date, As opposed to this Where you've dragged Me into it.
Honestly, i feel Like a third wheel.
Um, she's, uh, she's-- Where is she? She's in The audience.
She's right over there.
[Audience applauds] Let's move right along.
We have a terrific Show tonight.
My first guess Is one of our Great comedic actors.
I'm a gigantic Fan of his.
We all, of course, Know him from the carol burnett show, The original carol burnett show, Which was Just so sensational, And many other terrific Movies that he's done.
Please give A warm welcome To tim conway.
Tim! [Audience applauding] Wow.
They love you.
Don't they, Though? Yes.
Thank you so much.
These people all Love you.
I've seen you Out at the track.
Don't you have horses? The race track? Yeah.
Yes, i have.
But i do spend A lot of time out there.
You do? I was gonna be A jockey at one time, When i was younger, Because, uh, i was A lot lighter, obviously.
And you have to weigh about But at this weight Horses ask you to get off.
I mean, if you're Gonna be a jockey.
I had an unusual Riding style.
Whereas, you know, A lot of guys, When that gate opens And all the horses come out, They go right over To the fence And try to get Around the track that way.
I found it gets Very crowded there.
You know, 'cause Everybody's over there.
So, i, uh, i found That if you rode To the outside fence, Then it was much safer, 'Cause, you know, Sometimes they Run into each other On the inside there.
It's longer.
Oh, jeez.
But it's safer, And i think safety, In this particular instance, Is pretty good.
Was dorf a natural Evolution from Being a jockey into Um, i did dorf on A show once with harvey.
We were doing a, uh, Take off on fantasy ileand-- Island-- or ileand, One of those, And, um, i was herve, And, uh, so i just Buried myself in the stage, And it really Looked rather amusing.
So we, um, did A couple of, uh, tapes.
One on golf, And then, uh, fishing.
And, uh, it just exploded.
Became a very, very Popular character.
My wife is So happy with it.
You-- [laughs] So do you still see harvey? Try not to.
Um I-- yeah, you know, When the show went off, I got custody of him, So, uh I kind of take care of him.
I have him in a little tin hut Up here in beverly hills, Little monkey strapped To his leg and everything, You know, just to kind of Keep him active.
So, i understand You're, uh, you've got A nice little part In speed 2, the movie? Excuse me? speed 2? no, Uh, not really, no.
I believe you do have A part in speed 2.
I don't think so.
I haven't worked in some time.
It's pretty much Over for me.
I mean, It's a wrap I thought you said You checked this.
I did! Cock suck, I don't understand it.
This is ridiculous.
Why aren't you Ever on my side? What is this, Kind of a two-bit show, Or something? No, well, It used to be, It's up to 4 bits.
Is it now? We can talk about Anything, now.
We can talk about-- Kiddin' ya.
Kiddin' ya! Kiddin' ya.
I am, i'm in speed 2.
Oh! [Audience applauding] Did you hear that? I was right.
I was right.
Yeah, i heard.
I'm standing right here.
Hey, that would be A good new comedy Bit for the show.
I'll give larry the Right information, And then the guests Will say something Different, And then larry'll Act really mad, And then everyone Will laugh.
Letterman already does that.
Did you ever think, When you were In the army, That you'd end up I never thought I'd get out of The army, actually.
I was stationed, Uh, in seattle.
I protected Puget sound for 2 years.
Well, as you know, We were never attacked there.
I was, uh, Court martialed twice, And so i spent some Extra time in the army.
But, uh, i enjoyed it, I really did.
You were not Court martialed.
For what? I lost my rifle one time.
How did you I was asleep In the back of a car, Because i was on guard duty, And, uh I had dropped off And kinda woke up Because i knew The lieutenant Was coming around.
And i left my rifle In the car.
And, you know, When he comes Around the corner, You're supposed To take your rifle And say, "halt.
Advance and be recognized.
" And i didn't have my rifle 'Cause it was in The back of this buick, And so, i took a-- one of those Long, fluorescent bulbs Out of the trash And i pointed that at him.
And i said, "halt.
Advance and be recognized.
" And he did, And he said, "what is that?" And i said, "It's a light bulb, And if you come any Closer i'll turn it on.
" And from there i went, uh, In front of these 3 guys, And they gave me 3 weeks Of picking up rocks.
You take 'em from here And put 'em over there.
Hank: is that true? Tim: yes, it is.
Then what was The second court martial? Uh, the second Involved a fire, Which, uh, i had set.
That also by mistake.
I was supposed to stoke Stoves at night, And you go every 2 hours And put coal in.
But i thought if you Put all the coal In, like, at 8:00, You wouldn't have To go around again, You know, later.
And, uh, then This hospital went up.
But, guys who had Never walked before Came running Out of that hospital.
That's the truth.
Listen, congratulations, I hear you're girlfriend's Here tonight.
Yes, she is.
Just out of curiosity, I didn't get a chance To see her.
Where is she? Uh, she is Right over there.
Let's get Another shot.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, She is something, Isn't she? Whoa.
Boy, you're quite lucky.
I haven't had any sex since the apple dumpling gang, So this is quite a treat.
She is really a beauty.
Let's, uh, take a break And we'll be back With harvey fierstein After this, uh, Commercial break.
Tim conway.
Man: clear! I gotta get Out of here, thanks.
Gee, i really loved it.
I had a great time.
And i wouldn't Kid you, either, Know what i mean? I mean that's Seriously, buddy.
I'm gonna walk you out.
Oh, you are? Ok.
Thanks, thank you.
You know, i was In the army, too.
Keep that marylou Away from me.
I really wanna thank you For asking me about rayneene, Because this way, You know, millions of people, You know, see me with here, So thank you.
Sure, my pleasure.
Should i ask everyone To bring it up? Not everyone, but, uh, Why, is there a problem? It's just that You asked me Before the show, Nd then i did it.
And then, you sure That's not enough? I mean, that's, Uh, enough's enough.
[Sniffs] All right.
Man: back in 5.
[Audience applauds] This is my favorite Show of the year.
My next guest Is a brilliant Playwright and actor.
You might Recognize him From several Blockbusters He's been in recently.
Doubtfire, To be one.
More recently, independence day.
Get ready, Brace yourselves.
He's great.
Welcome Harvey fierstein.
Harvey! [Audience applauding] Oh, this is so nice.
Larry, larry, larry.
Last time i said , "Larry, larry, larry," It was to olivier.
My life is not going well.
How are you? I am fine.
I am fine.
You're frightening At first.
Am i that way To you? Do you see me And go, "Oh, my god.
" You know, "Settle down?" Well, i'm not used To seeing you With clothes on.
I mean my clothes, usually.
You know, I watch you at home.
I'm laying in bed at night And watching you at home.
Well, that's oddly, What i do at night.
I lie in bed And watch the show.
Now, harvey-- You know, Sometimes the world, It's a small-- I know rayneene.
I actually know rayneene.
I can't believe it.
Oh, my god.
How do you Know rayneene? I haven't seen you In so long.
How do you Know her? I know rayneene, Well, except When i knew rayneene, She was a man.
But [Larry] We'll take a break And come right back.
[Audience applauding] Hank, are you ok? Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm not ok.
Hank, man, I'm really sorry.
I thought you were, Like, doing a bit Or something.
You really didn't know? [Imitates fierstein's voice] No, i didn't know.
One of the great Moments in television.
Talk show, here we come.
You didn't fire Marylou, did you? Want to? Larry! Hey, nicolette.
You were great.
It was a Really funny Show tonight.
I'm so sorry We had to bump you, Honestly-- Oh, don't Worry about it, Please.
It would've Been a pretty Tough act to follow.
You would've been marvelous.
We're going to get A bite to eat.
Do you wanna go? [Sniffs] I don't smell anything, Do you? Mmm, no.
Vanilla latte.