The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s06e01 Episode Script

No, i'm kidding.
It says, "applause.
" Do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
[Applause.]
Now, remember, you're all A big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
You see this gentleman? Yeah, he's giving me the sign, And it says, "We're on in 10 seconds, So get ready To have a good time.
" Here we go.
This is exciting, isn't it? Man: and 5, 4, 3, 2-- [Theme music plays.]
hank: live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show, starring larry sanders.
tonight, join neve campbell, mtv veejay kennedy, and the musical group the wallflowers.
and now, because larry's home catching up on his sex, jon stewart.
[Cheering and applause.]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, god, thank-- Please sit.
Sit down.
I have some incredibly Exciting news for you.
Have you heard about this? It's a new sex doll.
It's called the real doll.
It's an incredibly lifelike Female sex doll, And, uh, they're brand-new.
Hank, actually, you might Want to get good trade-in value On your old doll, Actually, for these.
You know, you could Bring them through.
But these new dolls, If you haven't heard about it, Uh, they're Incredibly lifelike women.
They're built for sex.
Uh, they've got synthetic hair.
Uh, fake breasts, And they cost about $5,000.
So i was thinking, "hey, Why not just save the money And go out with tori spelling?" [Laughter and applause.]
Now would you please tell me.
What were jon stewart's ratings? Well, a guest host always Gets a better rating Because he's on Only once a month.
No one has time To get sick of him.
So, what are you saying? They're sick Of the regular host? No, i'm saying I'm sick of jon stewart.
That's what i thought you meant.
That's all i was asking.
Larry, larry, Thank god you are back.
I just-- I have to tell you When i'm out there With you, I feel young.
I feel alive.
But when i'm sitting Next to jon stewart, I just feel like A wet burlap bag Full of monkey shit.
Well, that came across.
Excuse us, hank, larry has More important matters To address himself to.
Why don't you let larry Speak for himself? I've got more important matters To address myself to.
See, then, I understand.
I just needed To hear that from larry.
Uh, ken mitchell And roger bingham Are here from the network.
Where are they? They're in your office.
What are they Doing in there? I'm sorry, they-- Well, they're big fans.
They're here to give you Their heartfelt support.
Uh-huh.
And They're in there? Yeah, sorry about it.
We've got a situation here.
Okay, in certain key cities, You're losing to keenan.
Listen, the bottom line Is we've got to do A little fine-tuning To get the numbers up.
Our research department Has come up with Some really creative ideas.
These are just A few suggestions.
Number 1-- We'd like to see A more enthusiastic, Leno-type opening Where you run Through the audience And shake everyone's hand.
You know, that's How you get the flu.
You could wear Rubber gloves.
That's true, And then i could, uh, Check their prostates, too.
Ha, ha.
We'd get more Of er's audience.
Okay, that's funny stuff.
Um, number 2-- Different hairstyle.
What's wrong with his hair? It's beautiful.
Well, larry Has an indefinite part.
Our research Has shown that-- That's supermodel Christy turlington.
Larry: oh.
Artie: ooh.
Larry: man, Oh, man, oh, man.
Look at that.
Is she married? Uh, she's currently Dating jason patric.
He's making her Get her degree And graduate at n.
Y.
U.
Really? Listen, guys, Don hewitt told me That the hair revamp is What turned dan rather around After the sweater fiasco.
Who's this? Skusi baskin.
Whew.
Suzie.
Suzie or skusi? Skusi.
Single? Did you get the license plates I wanted? Oh, yeah, i did.
They "hey now" plates Are taken.
I'm sorry.
Ah, crap! However, they tell me That these options Are still available-- "Hey not, haystack, Hey mama, hair now--" Why are you fucking With me like this? "Hey now" is My catch phrase.
I own it.
I-- i made it up, and-- Who does this schmuck Think he is? Call my lawyer.
Look, this fellow's probably A really big fan, right? So? So All right.
All right.
You're right.
Bring him down to the set, And i'll schmooze him, And, you know, he'll of course Be so star-struck, i'll-- He'll probably just Give you the plates.
Right.
Excellent.
Okay.
Number 5-- Our research shows The 18 to 34s Want a snappier theme song.
How many of that demographic Actually used the word snappy? Kenny, play 'em the tape.
Yeah.
Uh, We took the liberty Of having the guy who did The singled out theme Spec out a few tracks For us.
Who's this? That's the great Winona ryder.
She's on tonight's show.
Great booking.
And, like the limited Mcrib sandwich-- Scrumptious, hot, And hard to get.
I'll say.
Anyone on From arby's tonight? No, but we've got The very popular band Smash mouth And, per roger's request, Mr.
Jon stewart.
Yeah, well, we thought It'd be a good idea.
You know, show A little team spirit.
Play the funky one First, kenny.
** [Funky instrumental.]
He just Walked out on us.
No, he didn't.
Listen, artie, we think The changes can work, But, you know, The hard truth is Jon stewart's numbers Are the same, if not better, Than larry's.
And he's a hell Of a lot cheaper.
Does larry have any idea How serious this is? Gentlemen, i can assure you He thinks of nothing else.
Beverly, would you Do me a favor And get winona ryder's Movies for me to look at Before the interview? Larry, she's never Done a nude scene.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
This woman right here.
Can you-- can we Book her on the show? I think that would be great.
Ok, um, that's A visine ad.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that'll Be a funny story.
I can ask her how she got That thing in her eye.
Maybe it's, uh-- And she can wear Whatever she wants.
We're just-- We gotta throw These guys a bone here.
Well, fine.
Throw them a bone.
But, you know, Fake throw it And then see If their heads move.
What time is smash mouth Getting here? I'm a big fan Of smash mouth, you know.
What's your favorite song? They're all-- they're All good.
Excuse me.
Really? Yeah.
Heh.
Does smash mouth have A female lead singer? No, but winona ryder Will be there.
Well, you know, i saw My buddy dick cavett Go through this.
When his ratings Started to slip, He compensated By screwing everything In the tristate area.
With me, it's food.
Yeah.
Gleason had that.
I'm little bo hank, And i've lost my sheep In a-- in a-- In a poker game.
Yeah.
What's funny about that? You in a dress.
Oh! Oh, right, Right.
I get it.
I was just paying Too much attention to the words.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Uh, the fellow With the "hey now" License plates is here.
Oh, great.
Where is he? Uh, he's right there.
Is he retarded? No.
He works In a shoe store.
He looks just like you.
Are you sure He's not retarded? Uh, could you crawl Under here and blow me? Heh heh heh.
I don't Do fat chicks.
Paul fisher, Hank kinglsey.
How do you do? Hey now.
Heh heh heh heh.
I am such a huge fan.
Well, thanks.
That's why we invited you Down here today.
Heh heh.
Uh, mr.
Fisher, Would you like To sit in hank's chair? Come on.
Are you kidding me? Come on.
Get over here.
Live on tape From hollywood, it's me.
Heh heh heh.
Ooh.
Oh, my god.
This is like A wet dream come true.
Well, that's why We have the tarp.
[All laugh.]
Get a picture.
Oh, ok.
Sure.
You know, you look just like A guest on the show.
* And their kids Were hippie chicks * * All hypocrites * * Because fashion is smashin' The true meaning of it * * So don't delay, act now, Supplies are running out * * Allow if you're still alive * * 6 to 8 years to arrive * * And if you follow There may be a tomorrow * * But if the offer's shun * * You might as well Be walkin' on the sun * * It ain't no joke when a mama's Handkerchief is soaked * * With her tears Because her baby's life * * Has been revoked * * The bond is broke up, So choke up * * And focus On the close-up * * Mr.
Wizard can't perform No god-like hocus pocus * * So don't sit back, Kick back * * And watch the world Get bushwhacked * * News at 10:00, Your neighborhood * * Is under attack * * Put away the crack Before the crack puts you away * * You need to be there When your baby's * * Old enough to relate * Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm larry.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Gee, thanks For doing the show.
I'm a great big fan.
Thanks.
This is my favorite song.
Aren't they great? Oh, yeah.
They're good.
What's it called? What-- uh This song? Yeah.
* Might as well be Walkin' on the sun * It's called, uh, this is track 3.
[Both laugh.]
* Might as well be Walkin' on the sun * I just-- i'm so happy To have you on the show.
Oh, thanks.
I'm just-- I'm really nervous.
Great.
Me, too.
I'm not funny Or interesting, So i hope that's not Going to be a problem.
Well, that Hasn't stopped hank.
[Both laugh.]
Would you like a mint? Oh.
Thank you.
So, uh, it'll Just kind of be-- It'll just kind of be like this.
We'll just talk and-- Yeah, except there's Going to be Millions of people watching.
Yeah, well, i'll tell them To turn their sets off Before you come on.
A lot of them do that On their own, anyway.
Artie: i don't even think That you could find paramedics That would have responded Quicker than we have.
Voila! What? Come on.
No coffee table, The enhanced greenery.
That wasn't even One of our notes.
Well, we're way ahead Of you, then.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh what? Did you talk to larry About the entrance? Absolutely.
We're working on it.
These guys From the network.
This is what they're like.
They-- they want me To redo the whole show And change the theme-- You're kidding.
I mean, it's your show.
I mean, i've never done A talk show in my life, And i'm doing this one Because i love The show so much.
What are you doing After the show? Mmm, i don't know.
Artie: I want you to look At this new light grid.
What do you think? We're real proud of it.
Hey! Hey, jon.
Oh, hi, kenny.
Hey, did i miss the band? Hey, jon.
How was the marmont? Oh, hey, roger.
Uh, it's good.
I think last night One of the actors From melrose place Threw up on my door.
[Kenny laughs.]
Roger: Ah, you're so fucking great.
I love it.
Well, you look-- You look great.
You think so? Would you like To have that? Are you shitting me? Well, you like it, Don't you? Like it? Hank-- Hank, i love this.
You look terrific in it.
Of course, It's very valuable.
I might, uh, Have to trade Something Of equal value for it.
I don't know.
Uh Uh Something that would Go on my car.
What, my plates? Hank.
Hank, my-- my plates Mean way too much to me.
Hey, i'm the "hey now" guy.
That's funny.
I thought I was the "hey now" guy.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Not in valencia, my friend.
Now you cut the shit.
What is it gonna take? Another picture.
Fine! Deal.
Ball game.
A picture of me with larry.
With his arm around me.
Smiling.
You don't have to run.
What if you just walk Through the audience? You walk.
It doesn't Have to look like A fucking telethon.
You walk through With dignity.
She's a scorpio.
I'm a sagittarian.
Do you realize we sit Right next to each other On the zodiac chart? That's a hot combo.
Yeah.
That's all i'm saying.
Larry, You remember the time That the network Wanted us to have Jan michael vincent on To promote that tv movie With the robots? You told me no.
I told them no, And the network ate it.
Right.
I remember that.
Well, this ain't that.
Oh, shit.
That's jon stewart.
It's like A shooting gallery.
Well, i'll just run home And bring back My 7 mil.
Remington mag.
Please, before He walks by again.
Ok.
I don't want to see him Before the show.
You got it.
Larry, could you Do me a huge favor? I can't right now.
I just Want you to meet A friend of mine.
It would be very Important to me.
I can't.
He has colon cancer.
I've got-- He's dying.
What makes you think He's avoiding you? Well, earlier, When i crossed by In the hallway, He didn't say, "Hey, jon.
" And then i figured, Well, maybe it Wasn't him.
So that's why, You know, i crossed Back again, And i peeked Out of the corner Of my eye, And i saw, well, It definitely Was him, But he still didn't Say, you know, "Hey, jon.
" You're all fucking crazy.
So he's not avoiding me? He fucking loves you.
We all do.
So why don't you sit in here And relax until show time? You got your sliced pineapple, You got tiger shrimp, And your favorite, A pack of camel lights.
That's good.
That's good.
Ok? Take it.
Take it.
Smile.
So you got The plates, eh? Yes, and not A moment too soon.
That guy was Driving me crazy.
Every 5 seconds, It's, "Hey now.
Hey now.
Hey, now.
Hey now.
" It was just-- uhh.
It was really Just ugly to watch.
Oh, god, i know What you mean.
I hate it when Phil imitates me.
Excuse me? Nothing.
I just mean That i understand.
Whoa, whoa.
Just back up.
Imitate Is the wrong word.
It's not really An impersonation, it's-- It is a-- Well, um-- It is a-- Well, he, uh, he-- He-- He? What? Say it.
Captures you.
He captures me? Yeah.
Captures you.
Now, you-- You listen, You little fruit basket.
I am nothing like that-- That sick fuck.
He is a pathetic, Annoying nobody, And i am-- I am hank fucking kingsley.
That's what i was saying.
Please leave.
I'm sorry.
Did i forget To say now? There you go.
Oh! Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I thought the door was-- No.
Come on in.
It was open.
No, no.
I just came To tell you that, uh, It's a very hot Crowd tonight Great.
And you're gonna Have a great time.
Ok? Ok.
Thanks.
Seriously, I just, um Have fun.
[Laughs.]
Thanks.
Anything-- Everything under control You want to talk about And so forth? Uh, yeah.
Everything's fine, Except i don't want To talk about the aliens Under water stuff.
I'm so sick Of talking about that.
Don't need to.
Don't need to.
I'll see you out there.
Ok.
We'llDo that.
Thanks.
You know, hank, uh, The network has just Gone sweet on jon stewart, So don't make things worse By helping him out there.
Is stewart Taking over the show? Oh, christ.
You didn't Hear anything.
Understand? What do you mean? I heard everything.
Artie, Are we in trouble? Oh, fuck me.
You're worse than hank.
Hey, stay here.
Relax.
He's gonna step all over My punch lines now.
I'm gonna ago out there And he's gonna fuck me.
It's so obvious.
Whatever.
Hank: well, larry will Be out in a minute Hey, now.
[Audience laughing.]
Hank, listen, I'd rather give you My mother's arm, But a deal's a deal.
Here you go.
That's very generous Of you, but, uh, thanks.
I don't, uh, i don't Really need those.
You're kidding.
But i can keep The suit, right? Yes.
Paul, you can Keep the suit And you can Keep the license plates, And you-- You can go around, And you can say, "Hey now" till Your dick falls off.
But you know what, paul? That does not make you me! Because i am-- I'm-- i'm deep.
I'm-- i'm-- I'm complicated, And i cannot be defined By what you see On your television.
But don't you even Want them as a memento? No! I mean, with The show ending.
What? You haven't heard? Jon stewart is Taking over for larry.
Where'd you hear that? Artie.
[Whispering.]
What exactly did Artie say to you? He said the network Had gone sweet On stewart, And, basically, larry Was on his way out.
My next guest is, uh, A very funny comedian.
You've probably Seen him many times, uh, Right here on this show Where he's guest-hosted Many times.
Please give a warm welcome To jon stewart.
Jon stewart.
[Audience cheers.]
Nice to see you.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
They love you, jon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That's very nice.
They love you.
Thank you For having me again.
I hope i didn't do too much Damage to your office, 'Cause i do need That security deposit back.
But i'm very happy To be here, and thank you For having me on.
It's always a pleasure.
I took the red-eye.
You took the red-eye.
I actually came out On the red-eye.
And flying is the easiest, 'Cause i did it once.
We did a-- a walkathon To raise money for lupus, But it took so long.
Not lupus, the disease-- The kid from bad news bears.
[Audience laughs.]
Listen, have you Been following this, uh, Bill clinton thing? Uh, i don't follow that.
All i heard was That the woman involved, Monica lewinsky, Apparently says she Did perform oral sex, But didn't inhale.
Don't you think it Would have been a great State of the union Opening had he just Walked out and said, "Hello, ladies"? Yeah, right! Wouldn't that Have been good? What i thought Was interesting-- My concern Is what happens When the sex stops.
I mean, i wouldn't Want to-- can i be Honest with you? I literally-- i've Gone 4 years without Having any oral sex, And if i was Near a nuclear button, I'd have pushed it.
Really? Oh, yeah.
I belong to a group called Sex without partners.
Oh, really? How's that-- How's that going? Not bad.
I'm the treasurer.
I actually Have a cat who, uh-- I have a cat-- I just had My cat neutered.
Can i Tell you something? It only takes cats About 30 seconds To have sex.
Did you know that? But hours to catch one.
You're kidding.
You ever seen A hairless cat? No.
Do they have hairless? There was a video Of a cat show on tv The other night-- There was A hairless cat, And this woman said, "Well, they're having Trouble breeding him.
" No kidding.
Who wants to have sex With a hairless cat? Why don't we take a break? And we'll come right back.
No flipping.
[Applause.]
You were great.
Oh, hey, thanks.
Um, would you want to go out And get a bite to eat later? You know, maybe You want to pussy hunt? The show is in trouble.
Are you aware of that? Yes, i am.
Well, were you Planning on saying Anything about it? I believe i did, sir.
I don't recall.
Well, i'm sorry, sir.
I thought beating you Over the head with this Would be sufficient.
What is this? I don't recall Seeing this.
Again, i apologize.
What are we gonna do? I've done everything I can do.
Mm-hmm.
Larry Through all the years We've been together, I've always tried To protect you From the bullshit, But i can't anymore.
You're gonna Have to decide this For yourself, Sonny boy.
What are you gonna do? All right.
I want to start The show again.
Good.
Hank: live on tape From hollywood, the larry sanders show, Starring larry sanders.
Tonight, join larry And his guests Winona ryder, jon stewart, Smash mouth, And me, "hey now" Hank kingsley.
And now, because The charges were dropped, Larry sanders! [Audience cheers.]