The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s06e04 Episode Script

Pilots and Pens Lost

Hey, is larry in? No.
Good morning.
Hi, phil.
You're here awfully early.
Well, they say If you're going to quit, You better do it Early in the day.
What? Wait a minute.
You're quitting? Yeah.
I got an opportunity And i'm going to take Advantage of it.
What opportunity? Well, as you know, The network have always Been big fans of mine.
And for the past few months, I've been developing A new sitcom for them.
What's it about? Uh, it's funny.
It's-- But it's not like a regular "Ha ha" sitcom.
There's no laugh track, There's no audience.
It's a single camera.
Very stylized.
It's about a bunch of guys In a ska band in seattle.
Very dark.
Dark like friends? I just want to Know what you're Gonna tell larry.
I'm gonna tell him The truth! I'm not feeling well.
I have mental problems.
And my doctor Has advised me That this is not a very Healthy working Environment.
It's too much pressure Coming up with new Material every day.
And not being Appreciated.
It just-- It just all Takes a toll.
You hear that sound, phil? I believe that's The needle breaking On the bullshit-o-meter.
Can i talk To larry, please? No.
You wanna talk About your frigging health, Go to an hmo and don't Waste larry's time.
Did you say "frigging"? I'm trying to cut down On my cuss words.
Mother call? Yeah.
She says hello.
Tell her i said hi.
She really loves you.
Larry, umI appreciate Everything you've done For me And i hate doing this To you on such Short notice, but-- Time to Run along, phil.
I wish that i could Run along, arthur, But i have a very Serious health problem.
Yes, and you're about To come down with A very serious case Of "my shoe in your rectumitis.
" I-- i-- i would never Ever do this to you, But, uh, you know, It's out of my hands.
Oh, it takes Its toll.
But, phil, please, And keep in touch.
Thanks for everything.
Phil: well, no, Thank you.
Yeah, let's go.
The sludge sold a sitcom To the network.
Yeah, i know and then he Sits there and lies to me And i'm not even Married to him.
What's this for? It's a gift.
My birthday's not For a couple of months.
I know.
I just-- I was in beverly hills And i saw this.
It's just an appreciation-- It's a pen.
I see that.
No 2 are the same.
It's handcrafted by A team of artisans, Like cher's ass.
It's a phantas.
Well, sir, i really Appreciate it.
I'll see ya On the stage.
Anything wrong? Huh? It's just that-- You know-- It's a phantas.
I just thought you'd Like it a little more.
I do! But you know, larry, How emotions Embarrass you.
And i got 'em All bottled up, but Inside, sweetheart, It's all tears, cartwheels, And a hard-on.
That's all i wanted to know.
They offer you anything? You want some water No, i'm fine.
Yeah, good.
Well, phil I don't want you To get a big head, But this is The best pilot I've ever read.
Really? Yes.
Nobody ever Believes me when I tell them that.
You've created some Wonderful characters.
I mean, the writing Just sparkles.
You Don't know how refreshing It is to be able to write In your own voice and-- [Inhales deeply] To have people get it.
We totally get it.
Totally get it.
I can't tell you How great that is.
We have a few things We want to run By you.
Just some ideas.
Ok, shoot.
Yeah, please.
How would you feel If one of the characters Was black? Uh Puts a little twist On it, doesn't it? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Um You know, i didn't really Envision any of these guys As-- as being black.
But they have A band, right? Yeah.
So there's a drummer Yeah.
There you go.
We have a deal With dave chappelle.
Are you familiar With him? Yeah.
He was in the nutty professor, right? Yeah.
Wasn't he funny? Oh, hilarious.
He's a huge fan Of yours.
We sent him the script.
He flipped.
R-really? Yeah.
Loved it.
Loved it.
We think he'd be A great keshaun, yeah.
Who's keshaun? The drummer.
No, the drummer's Name is ted.
Well, we got in our head Now that he's black, So we started calling him Keshaun.
Really? Yeah.
Uh You know, um Interesting.
But i'd really Like to, uh Think about this.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
In the meantime, We should set up a meeting Between you and dave.
You 2 are really Going to hit it off.
He's so funny.
Oh, and smart.
Smart and funny, yeah.
He's great.
So i'll lead you into-- I'll lead you into The lap dance thing.
I'll thank you For the treat And you ask me, "How did it go?" And i'll say, "i think I blew it because She pointed to the chair.
" I said, "thank you.
I've been sitting All day.
" And i think there's A laugh there.
No, that's funny.
And if there isn't A laugh there, you Just keep going.
I'm just glad You're doing the show.
Hey, this is Such a thrill for me.
This is me thrilled.
I know.
I know.
When are you going To do our show, Because That's animated, right? Well, it's a cartoon, And-- and, uh.
I can't Well, here's the thing Is we just need your Voice.
You know, you could Literally phone it in.
And then you Animate it later? And then we would Do a drawing that Would look-- I wish i could.
Artie? Yeah, It would look-- Dr.
Jonathan katz, sir! There are many Johnny-come-latelys In the world, But, you, sir, Are johnny-come-here Anytime you like.
Thank you so much.
Even if you mean it-- I do.
That's such a sweet Thing to say.
And congratulations To you on the, uh On the phantas.
Larry told me He got you a phantas, Which is a collector's item.
I have been on stand-by For my own phantas For 5 1/2 years now.
Prepare to be dazzled.
Ha ha! Oh, that dry Katzian wit.
Be right back.
It makes me Thirsty for more.
Be right back.
Y'all know how many Pilots i've done, man.
I'm tired of that Double w.
I wanna do Something real.
Well, that's What we want.
Yeah, i'm always Telling the writers realer.
Dave: yeah.
So, um Did you like the stuff That i did? Yeah, man! I flipped through it On the way over.
You just read it? There's some real Funny shit in there, Man.
I read most of it.
I didn't read The whole thing.
But, you know-- you know, Just the whole band Thing Mm-hmm.
I don't know If black people Can relate to that.
Who the fuck am i, hootie? One brother Around a bunch Of white dudes? I-- i-- i don't know What you're talking about.
Well, you know, it's that And this whole seattle thing.
Yeah, i don't think That-- I don't think i ever Met a brother from Seattle In my life, man.
I don't know If that's the place Where we would Really-- Really live.
But then again, They did make sleepless in seattle.
Maybe that's why They're sleepless.
Ha ha ha ha! Heh.
Dave: i'm a deejay.
Some shit black people Can relate to is deejays.
All right? Just hear me out.
I work at a club In baltimore.
Every week A patron is murdered! I got to solve it.
Kind of like a hip-hop Crime-solving type thing.
And maybe i'm, like, fucking A bartender or a waitress.
We do something like-- But tastefully.
I love the energy.
You know what i mean? It's fun.
It's, like, fun and you Can address issues And the whole thing.
That's why Dave is dave.
Hey, thanks.
Um, listen, listen.
I gotta-- i gotta-- i gotta Put my foot down.
Um This show is about A band from seattle.
That's-- that's The problem.
Well, you know, We have a process Here, phil, And in order For that process To work, We really can't be Married to anything.
Except the deejay thing.
Well, that's gold.
I can marry it, Yeah.
I mean, i don't want To step on your toes, Phil.
I-- ppffht! You are the veteran.
That's ok, you know? If you need To ask me any questions About black people And how we live-- Well, i'm sure you got, Like, one or 2-- Just call me and ask me Some questions.
Ok? I've got your number.
I got to go to Jerry bruckheimer's.
Thanks again For coming in.
All right, thanks.
Pleasure as always, sir.
Phil, you cool With that? Yeah, oh, hey, man, Yeah, thanks.
You're funny, man.
I really like The script.
The shit i read-- It was-- Thanks.
I mean, the band was-- But the jokes.
[Blows a kiss] Thanks.
Ha ha ha.
He's great, Isn't he? Is this it? What, you got it?! I don't know.
I think so.
Oh, man, this is a bic.
I'm talking about A rare black pen.
It's got gold filigree And handcrafted dragons With little red eyes.
You mean a phantas? Yeah, shh! Don't even say it.
Come on.
Let's get this.
I can't believe You lost something Like that.
Those things Are works of art.
Most people just Mount them on a wall.
Well, i was writing With it.
I put it somewhere.
Excuse me.
Oh, what's this? Remind me to have liza Back on the show.
Those things only Increase in value, You know.
Don't-- get the bookcase.
Oh! I was up in the bleachers With kayo.
I was setting the lights.
I'm going to go there Right now.
You check the writer's room And hank's room.
I really appreciate it, Sonny boy.
You know, i need Another pair of eyes.
You're the only one I can trust.
I hear larry, uh, Gave you a-- A gift or-- Or some such thing.
Where'd you hear that? Oh, you know, People talk.
The thing is, artie, um Larry didn't give me Anything.
And it's really-- it's Sort of driving me crazy.
Are you going To look or what? It's not that i'm worried That, uh Larry likes you More than he likes me, Because, you know-- fuck it-- You know, we both know he does.
I-- i just want to know What he gave you.
And it'll be ok.
Then i can start The healing process.
Jesus, hank, he just Gave me a travel clock, A little piece of shit Travel clock.
You happy now? Hmm.
He's such a cheap fucker.
What i have to tell you Is of the utmost Confidence.
I don't want anyone To know about it.
Larry must Never know about it.
What's this about? You know that pen? Where'd you get it? Uh, in the supply closet.
Are we not supposed To do that anymore? No, i-- i mean the pen You bought me for larry.
Larry gave you a pen? You don't know about it? No.
You mean He got it himself? He went down, He got in his own car.
He drove there.
He parked it.
He got out.
He walked in the doors, And he pulled out His own personal Credit card? He bought me a present? It's the first time In 9 years.
[Laughs] I don't believe it.
Me, neither.
He said he bought it Because he Excuse me.
He appreciated me.
Ah What a gracious Person he is.
I'm a dumb bastard.
I lost it.
Oh, you lost it? You gotta find me That same pen, see, So i can replace it, And he must never Know about it, ok? It's a p-h-a-n-t-a-s.
That's p-h-a-n-t-a-s Phantas.
It's black.
Top of the line.
Gold filigree dragons With red eyes.
Got that? Ok.
I knew i could Count on you.
Thank you, Sweetheart.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I'm gonna get it.
Don't tell a soul.
All right.
Thank you, buddy.
[Cries] You bought me a pen, And i lost it! God! Maybe some no-talent honky Ain't never been To baltimore, 'Cause this shit Can work, man.
I have been to baltimore.
Woman: Phil.
You watch one episode Of roots, And all of a sudden, You understand me? First i'm hootie, Now i'm fucking kunte kinte, The deejay? So you know the fuck-- All about niggers.
Why don't you stick Your hand up my ass, Phil, and work my mouth Since you know What the fuck I'm all about.
Did you-- Did you do No, i don't know Who wrote this.
This is shit.
No, he It's just shit.
That's the truth.
Just shit.
We've had a lot of trouble in The writing department lately.
So let's just not do this, And you know what? We'll just do The, uh, panel.
You don't wanna Do this, here.
You're bridget fonda.
Let me tell you something.
Your dad sees you Doin' this, I don't wanna be around When he does the show next.
So we'll do the panel.
I'll ask you some questions, And we'll go over Some areas, And i'll see you out there.
It'll be great.
I'm just, um Is there something That i can do-- Is there something That we can do That-- where i'm not just Out there being-- I'm just Worried that i'm I'm going to be It's just a talk show.
You just go out.
I'll ask you some questions.
You just answer.
It's gonna be great.
I don't know what you're So frightened about, really.
Um, i don't wanna Do something-- I'm gonna swear Or something.
You're not gonna swear.
You don't trust yourself Not to swear? What are you gonna say? I don't know Cocksucker? I don't know.
Mother fucker? I don't know.
I mean, I-- i just don't-- I, you know.
Is the whole family Like this? I-- i know it doesn't work! I told you at the meeting It's not gonna work! Why the fuck is he writin' A black show anyway, man? I don't know.
I never wanted To write a black show.
I-- i don't even know Why i'm writing a black show.
I wish somebody could Fucking tell me why i am Writing a black show? I wish someone Would fucking tell me Why you're writin' A black show.
He wrote a terrific First draft.
Hey, well, The second draft Fucking sucks.
All right.
Get me Warren hutchinson.
I need somebody else.
Phil, would you Give us a minute? Yeah, phil.
Just give us a minute.
All right? Ok.
I'll give you a minute.
All right, thanks.
Ok, sure.
And no hard-- No hard feelings.
Oh, no.
There's a lot Of passion in here.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
You care about what you do, I care about what i do.
All right.
Get this guy The fuck out of here.
I'm sorry.
I'm serious, man.
Hank: brian.
Man: he's not out here.
[Paper towel holder rattles] Who are you? Sid.
Hey, uh, sid, Can i borrow your pen? Yeah.
Are you gonna Open the door? Slide it under, Asshole.
Nice going, dipshit.
Give me my pen back, Schmuck.
I don't need it.
I found one.
I don't even know What a flowbee is.
That's the vacuum That cuts your hair.
[Laughs] Oh, it's gonna be A good one tonight.
Why? Are you not doing The show tonight? [Laughs] By the way, I already have A travel clock.
That's all I'm gonna say.
May-- may i say something? Yeah.
Don't touch my ass.
Now i have to do my makeup All over again.
[Sighs] He's got A very firm ass.
I want my pen back, hank.
I told you, I don't have your pen.
Take your dick Out of your ear, You little troll.
You owe me a pen, Jerk-off.
You want a pen? Here.
Here's a pen.
Go write yourself A little suicide note.
It's a phantas.
Blow me.
Ho ho ho! Jeez, look! My next guest Is a, uh, member Of one of hollywood's Royal families.
She's currently, Uh, can be seen In quentin tarantino's New movie Called, uh, jackie brown.
Please welcome Bridget fonda.
Bridget fonda.
[Applause, cheering] Hank.
That is hank.
And we are so happy.
Uh, hank and i Have been, uh, Looking forward To, uh, meeting you Oh, thank god.
Do you know how much This pen cost? I'm so relieved, I don't care whether It cost 10 thou.
Larry: but we Don't have to.
Ok, what? It cost $10,000.
I had to max out my visa.
It's just a fucking pen.
What's it filled with, Dinosaur sperm? I guess so.
All i know is, It's the only other one In the city.
Larry: and what Do you play in it? Bridget: um, i-- I play a conniving That means That larry spent Apparently so, And now you're Spending it on you.
Well, i gotta get him Something in return.
Would you Please run down To galerie michael On rodeo And get him That chagall lithograph He's always looking at? Yeah.
They'll know the one.
Tell them to bill me.
[Audience laughs] Hank has asked me If you would autograph This for him.
Would you mind Doing that? It would-- It would mean a lot.
Where do you want Where does he want you To autograph it? [Laughs] Uh, i guess On his lap.
[Laughter, applause] Why don't you Why don't you just Use this And just-- i know This is not exactly The correct-- I wish we had A better-- I wish we had A better pen, But try it and see If that will work Somewhere.
You just can't see it.
You can't Quite see it.
Yes, you can.
Yes, that's great.
Thank you very much.
It means a lot.
Where will you Be putting that, If i may ask? In my office.
[Giggles] You know What he means By his "office?" No.
The van.
[All laugh] I thought She was very sexy.
Delightful, The two of you.
May i talk to you two For a second? Hey, how's the old Noodle, sweetie? Still givin' you The misery? Well, uh, actually, My doctor says That i'm feeling So much better now.
Oh, our prayers Have been answered.
Christ is king.
Yeah, in fact, Um, i'm feeling so good That, uh, i'm ready To come back to work.
If you wanna come back, I'm fine with that.
It's just that You have to just Tell me the truth-- That you went away To write a pilot, And now you're coming back 'Cause it didn't get picked up, And i'll be fine With everything, really.
Larry's uncomfortable With you not being Honest with him.
I swear on my mother's life That i was just sick.
Mmm? Works for me.
You ok with it? Ok by me.
So why don't you Get started On tomorrow night's Monologue? Right on.
And you gotta Get out a sketch For tomorrow night's guest, The sensational Dave chappelle.
Poor guy just had The shit kicked out of him.
No, That was good.
You did good there.
It's better For us, anyway.
Beverly: artie? [Chuckles] What is that? Oh, it's just A little something Of appreciation For all you've Done for me.
Oh, my goodness.
It's 'cause I love ya, buddy.
A chagall.
Oh, you shouldn't have Spent this kind of money, Artie.
My gosh.
Oh, please.
From the guy That gives out $10,000 pens? Who does that? You're the guy Who gave me this.
What is that? That's the pen You gave me, Oh, generous one.
No, it isn't.
No, no, no, no.
That's a ph-1,000.
That's the top Of the line.
I gave you the, uh, One that cost 500.
$500 american.
Beverly: oh-- oh.
I'm gonna, um, Be in my Wait a minute.
Not yet.
I'm a little confused.
Uh Larry, i lost The pen you gave me.
And i went out And bought this one To replace it Because i just The gift you got me.
You went out And bought it For me yourself.
I'm touched that You went to that trouble.
But i'm sorry you're out For $10,000? Ha ha ha.
Ah, what the hell? What's 10 thou? What a great story This is gonna make At the friar's club.
It is kind of [Laughs] But this, this is-- This is so Over the top, artie.
This chagall.
Well, what's Another 10 grand? This is the one That you always Looked at, isn't it? N-no.
Didn't you say The one on the left? His left.
Well, i-- i thought You meant The one on the left When you walk In the store.
How much was this one? Uh, 19,000.
But you like the other one Much better, don't you? No.
I love this one.
Ha ha.
What the fuck? It'll be a $29,000 story.