The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s06e11 Episode Script


There are Great opportunities For new talent In television.
I know from my own Beginnings in radio How important that First break can be, And i've tried to offer Such a beginning To new performers On this program.
In a sense, that's What i'm doing now, too, Having run out of fresh, Exciting, new ideas To bring you myself, I feel i should give Somebody else a turn.
At any rate, this is In no sense a valedictory.
In fact, if anything, It's more of a valentine To a network And a profession That have been Very good to me.
I hope i've given them A good run for their money.
And who knows? Some day I may reenter the lists With a new saber, Neither broken nor bent, And plow up the field All over again.
So now, thank you.
Good night.
Come on, lanket.
We're going to go home.
Come on.
Come on.
You think I should mention god? What do you mean? You know, in The closing good-bye-- "God bless you," Something in that vein or-- Well, hell, we plugged Everybody else On the planet.
Let's give The deity his due.
I just want to say A heartfelt and deeply Sincere "thank you" For the, uh, opportunity You've given me.
The last 10 years have Been your glorious gift To the people Of this country.
But they've also Have been a gift To a man by the name Of hank kingsley.
[Sighs] wow.
[Sighs] Ok? Oh, yeah.
Here's all the cards.
[Crying] Please, sweetheart.
I thought She stopped.
Yeah, For about 2 seconds.
I think the hormones From the baby.
Come on.
You're Gonna get me Started, And, believe me, Nobody needs To see that.
You should've seen me At the end of titanic.
You think those people In the water Were wailing? Oh, god! [Sobs] Oh, please, people! Come on! Larry doesn't want to have Any display of emotion.
He wants to stay Focused on the show.
Just suck it up.
Thank you.
[Sighs] ahh.
[Crying] Fucking bunch of bullshit.
Hey, larry.
Hey, phil.
How's it going? Good.
Um, hey, listen, I was wondering, um, You know the letters Over by the band That spell larry? I was wondering If i could, um, if I could take those? The letters? Yeah.
Yeah-- no, I mean, you know, Not all of them.
See, i have, i have This buddy ray-- His name's ray.
And i figured I could take The letters from-- That just Spell his name, And then i could Put them on the lawn Of his house tonight And then when he Opens up the blinds Tomorrow And sees it Tomorrow, It's like "ray!" Well, you know, I think that those letters Are owned By the, uh, network.
But if it was up to me, Seriously, you would Not get them.
[Scoffs] come on, I mean, they don't Give a shit.
They're gonna Be in a dumpster After the show.
You know tomorrow night After the show, Yeah? You're fired.
But for the last time, So celebrate.
Don't ask me For the couch.
Uh, at what point Are you going to thank me, Uh, tomorrow night On the show? Because Here's the deal-- I think, uh, my-- My thank-you should not Come directly after yours, 'Cause that would Sound tit for tat.
Now, i think i should Say my thank-you, Uh, in the second Half-hour, And yours, of course, Should come as close To the end as possible.
And please, give me A separate thank-you.
Don't lump me in with those Fucking craft service retards.
Also i need Well, an exact script Of what you're going to say Because i think our thank-yous Should complement each other.
Like wedding vows.
Wh-- I think you should wear A veil.
I think we should come down The aisle together, Maybe in white.
Excuse me, Uh, larry? Artie and norman Are ready for you.
Well, i think we've done Very well, larry, I mean, the people that we have For tomorrow night's show-- You know what? I think it's a testament To how respected and admired And well-loved you are In the business.
Who? The emotional moment, Yeah.
The lump in the throat-- Carol burnett.
Think she'll cry? Well, um, i didn't Go so far as To make the request, But that call Can be made.
Ok, good.
Who do we have To sing to me? We have Clint black locked.
That Is a man.
That's a fucking man! I don't want a fucking Man singing to me-- It's clint! You don't have to worry About the homoerotic Underpinnings.
He's a country music Singer.
But a man nonetheless.
And i think, by the way, We're a superstar short.
Did we have any luck On jim carrey? Well, that's iffy Because we never let him Plug ace ventura.
Come on, everyone Thought he was too broad.
Who knew He's gonna be so-- Hey, hey, i think That's warren beatty In the parking lot.
He must still be putting The finishing touches On bulworth.
That's already out.
Well, the man Is never satisfied.
Excuse me.
Hey, warren.
Hey, larry.
Uh, listen, How would you, uh, [Deep breath] Like to come on my Show tomorrow night? Just say a little Good-bye to me, 'Cause, you know, It's the end of The whole Thing Tomorrow night.
I-- i could say Good-bye to you now.
No, but-- heh heh, There are no cameras Or anything here.
Tomorrow night, Millions of people.
We got A fantastic show.
Who do you got? We have Carol burnett, We have, uh, Greg kinnear, Sean penn, Tom petty, Clint black-- Who? Clint black.
He's a country music Singer.
He's gonna sing, Uh, good-bye to me.
It's gonna Be fantastic.
Hey Maybe like a pretape.
Let's, uh, Let's think about it.
What about David duchovny? He's a little Too needy.
That would be Distracting for me.
Uh, we believe that David's in love With larry.
What? Please.
He's married.
Larry: huh? So was Rock hudson, ok? Oh, it wasn't real.
It was arranged By the studios.
I didn't know that.
Really? Fellas, please.
Who else? Larry, look, We need david duchovny.
You know, He's very big.
And, you know, We lost kevin costner.
He slipped on some ice Making his new movie.
The whole thing was All on ice or something.
I don't know.
[Dial tone On speaker phone] Crazy.
[Sighs] [Dials phone] I know his number By heart Because he's A good friend of mine.
[Line rings] David duchovny: hello? David, it's larry.
[Lowers voice] Hey, larry.
How you doing? Uh, i'm glad You called.
Listen, i been Thinking about you.
Is this A bad connection? [Whispering] No, it's just that, Uh, téa's here.
Hold on.
Let me go into The other room.
Hold on.
David: yeah, just shut-- Shut-- shut the door.
It's my mother.
It's my mother.
Hey, how you doin'? How's téa? Téa is great.
You dating anyone? I'm dating illeana douglas, As a matter of fact.
She's fantastic.
It's just a wonderful Male-female relationship, And i am so happy.
Hello? Hello? Uh-huh.
Can i-- can i Ask you something? Look, why don't we Have lunch tomorrow And talk about it? I'll be in town.
Well, ok.
Oh, great.
So why don't you Just meet-- [Whispers] Meet me-- oh-- Meet me at The bel-air hotel Around noon-- The where? Bel-air hotel! Now, i'll talk to you-- I'll see you Tomorrow, bye.
[Click] I am not meeting him At the bel-air.
I am not meeting him [Knock on door] ** [Soft piano] There he is.
Hey, how you doing? Come on in.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, Too.
[Laughs] God You look great.
Thank you.
Your hair Looks great.
Téa here? Téa? Uh, she Went golfing.
Really? Yeah.
Well, that's fantastic.
You look great.
So do you.
I mean, whatever You're doing.
You working out? A little bit.
What's up? You're not Gonna believe this.
See, we have This big, you know, Final show tonight, And kevin costner drops out.
Oh, shit.
And, you know, It's the last night Of the show, so Would it be imposing Uh, to ask you If you would do the show? You know, i've Actually been wanting To be on the last show.
Very much, And i'm glad that, uh, You finally asked me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey, i heard you Got rid of stevie grant.
Did? Yeah.
His behavior Was so detesticle.
Is that a word? What'd i say? You said his behavior Was detesticle.
Did i? I meant despicable.
Hey, uh, Can i have some fruit? Yeah.
Appreciate it.
Monday night! Can you believe it? No.
Man, I'm scared to death.
Hey, i'm not blowing Smoke up your ass.
Larry did the show For 10 years.
You're gonna do it For twice as long.
This isn't jeane dixon Talking here.
This is reality, man.
You think? Yeah! Ha ha ha! I gotta talk To larry, though.
You know, i haven't Had a chance to-- Oh, don't worry About larry.
Ok? Larry's a thing Of the past.
Ok? The guy's The 8-track.
He's a fucking Horse and buggy, that guy.
This is darwinism.
Don't fight it.
You'll fucking lose.
[Sighs] Hey, larry, Beverly told me You were in, uh, makeup here.
Bruce, excuse us a second.
Look, i know this is weird.
How you doing? Good.
How are you? Good.
I just wanted to tell you I'll be thanking you At the top of the show On monday, First thing.
No need to do that.
No, i'm going to tell everyone How much i've appreciated Your support, Just what an honor And a huge challenge It's going to be to even try Following in your steps-- I would skip "challenge.
" Leave out "challenge.
" Do "honor.
" That's a good note, And i'll-- Tighten it up.
Get to the jokes.
I'll say it twice.
Did stevie grant tell you That he was signing me Beforehand? No.
No, he didn't.
I didn't know that.
Well-- Well, well, hello, jon.
Hey, arthur.
Monday all ready? Right.
[Chuckles] Listen, have a great show.
You as well.
Thank you.
Excuse us.
Thank you.
[Chuckles] Let's go, buddy.
Let's do the show One more time.
Who are these people? Faces from the past.
They always show up For a wrapped gift.
Darlene, my goodness.
What a delight.
I thought You were in india.
I was.
Larry, I'm so glad you're Changing your life And leaving All of this behind And creating a new Universe for yourself.
It's just a big trap.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
See? He's Changing already.
If i had said that To you before, You would have Thought i was crazy.
Lady, you must Let go of larry.
Jerry, right? Yeah.
Gosh, i fired you, what, I'll be damned.
Yeah, I just wanted to see After you fired me And fucked up my life If you'd stand there And smile at me Like we were Old buddies.
[Chuckles] Well, now you know.
Huh? Huh.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Hey, larry.
Good to see you.
You don't Remember me, do you? Uh, yes, i do.
Yes, i do.
Of course i do.
I'm happy you're here.
Thank you for-- The lighting guy.
I know.
I know.
The lighting guy.
I understand.
The sound guy.
This is martin, The sound guy you fired After he hit you In the head with a boom.
That's right.
Still a record.
Heh heh heh heh.
Screw you, larry.
Yeah, screw you.
Sid's brother.
There are no more People from the past Out there, are there? No, but i got A present for you.
The great jim carrey Is in the house.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Hank: live on tape From hollywood, the larry sanders show.
Tonight, join larry And his guests jim carrey, Tim allen, tom petty, Sean penn, Carol burnett, David duchovny, Greg kinnear, clint black, Bruno kirby, and me, "Hey now" hank kinglsey.
And now, because This is the last time I'm going to say it, Larry Sanders! [Audience cheers] Thank you so much.
Honestly You'll have nothing Left for the end When i finally Do say good-bye.
Blow it all now.
I couldn't be-- What a delightful Response, honestly.
I'm just, uh, thrilled.
Thank you so much.
Of course, this is Our, uh, last show.
Can you guys Hear me all ok? Audience: yeah! That's so important, Because we just installed The sound system today.
I didn't realize It was the end of the show Till last night.
I was lying in bed With a woman, and i said, "Seriously, we're Gonna have you on soon.
" Now i'm in trouble.
Because the show, oddly-- This show, oddly, Is like my sex life in that It lasts about an hour, There's applause, and i'm Usually interrupted by hank.
What will you do when The show's over, by the way? You have any plans? I, um, i don't know.
A lot of driving.
Have you been there Every night, right there? Oddly enough, This show has survived Administrations, And, oddly enough, Clinton is our first Do you realize When we started this show Michael jackson still Looked like michael jackson? How's your Talk show going? I'm acting now.
Really? Yeah, i, uh, I got an academy award Nomination.
You're acting? Yeah, i mean, it's-- It's a snap.
One minute i'm talking To tempestt bledsoe At 1:35 in the morning About her dogs or something, Next thing you know I got a nomination.
It's like God bless you.
This monica lewinsky scandal.
My goodness.
Would we have ever thought We'd end up back here With monica lewinsky? I remembered, when This show first started, It was just enough That reagan had brought The soviet union To its knees.
Bob, is that all we have On the cards? After all these years, We're out of cards, So we'll be right back.
We have Some sensational guests.
Thank you for joining us.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
Welcome back.
This is a first.
A fantastic night For, uh, us, And a fantastic Night for you Because we are Starting off our show With mr.
Jim carrey! Jim carrey! Wow.
You'd think it Was your last night.
Wow, man.
This is incredible.
What energy In this place.
Welcome to the show.
This is-- Hey.
Wow, look at this.
That's fantastic.
Isn't that something? Oh, please.
I cannot Thank you enough For being here tonight.
You know that I'm a gigantic fan And really appreciate You coming here tonight.
It's an honor For me to be here On this historic night.
Really, truly.
I mean, what a legacy He's left.
Hasn't he? It's just fantastic.
I mean, it's-- it's To go out When you're At the very tip top Of your game.
That's fantastic.
The cream of the crop.
King of the hill.
Cock of the walk! That is so kind.
I know walk Is certainly correct.
Well That is really nice.
Thank you.
Yeah, you know, It's great.
Did you ever see the last Episode of newhart? Yes, i did.
Oh, so funny.
When, uh-- when, uh Bob goes back And has the dream, And he's suddenly In his own show, His old show, and it just-- I just-- That's right.
Um They do kind of a-- Uh Um You know, It's almost like they're, uh Just right in the I'm sor-- I can't do this.
I can't do comedy right now.
What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? You're leaving, larry.
Just when i thought Everything was solid In my life You decide to go.
You know, I can't get it up.
Ever since the announcement, I've been flaccid.
I'm sure everyone In this audience Feels the same way.
We need us some larry, Right, guys? If you're as upset About larry leaving This show as i am, Say no way! Audience: no way! If you feel The same way i do, Like larry owes you For all the years You've devoted to him, Say no way! Audience: no way! No way! No way! No way! No way! No! No! Way! Way! No way, way! No way, way! No, no, way, way! No, no, way, way! Nnn! Nnn! Ohh! Ohh! Wuh! Wuh! Ay! Ay! * No, no, no, no way * * No, no, no, no way We're living without you * * We're not livin' Withoutcha * * Mmm, There's just no way * * No way * * Tear down the mountains * * Yell, scream and shout * * You can say What you want * * We're not walkin' out * * We don't need no leno, Conan, or dave * * If you want you Some larry * * Let's give him a wave * * Whoo * Come on! All: * whoo * * And * * I * * I am * * Telling you * * You're not goin'! You're not goin'! * * Ha ha! * * 'Cause you're the best Host i've ever known * * There's just no way You can leave this * * Leave this, Leave this show * * No, no, no, no way * * Larry, There's no way we're * * Livin' without you * * We're not livin' Withoutcha * * Not livin' Withoutcha * * We don't Wanna be free * * And you, You're stayin' * * You're stayin' * * And you, And you, and you * * You're Gonna love me * * Yeah, yea-ea-eah * * You're Gonna love me * * Yeah, yeah, yeah * * You're gonna * * Love me * [Growling] * Love me * * Love me * * Lar * * Ay-ay-ay Ay-ay-ay * [Screeching] * Larry! * [Blubbers] Larry: jim carrey.
We'll be right back.
I don't know even-- I don't know how To thank you.
That was So fantastic.
Let's just cut The crap, larry.
Ok? You never Liked my work.
Huh? Till i got Hugely famous.
That is not True.
I happen to-- What are you Gonna do now? Movies? I'll crush you.
I-- are you Doing a bit now? Larry [Whispers] We're off the air.
This is real life now.
Can i be honest With you? Yeah.
I'm here For 3 good reasons.
Last show, big ratings, Movie coming out.
Bim, bam, boom.
Otherwise, I'd be sitting home And watching nightline.
As usual.
There's too many Singers, artie.
There's 3 people here Already that think They're singing Good-bye to larry.
Yeah? Hey, i don't Know what you're Telling him, But you told me That i was doing The good-bye song.
Quiet down, cowpoke.
I'm talking to artie.
Hey, those were Your exact words.
Well, that's right-- I thought I was your bette midler.
This is bullshit.
Let's not forget Why we're here.
All right? It's larry's Final show.
Was i talking To you? Well, you are now.
Hey, look, this guy's Nominated for an oscar, All right? For what, talk soup? Hey, take it easy! Greg, no! I'm all right.
I'm all right.
Whoa, guys! I haven't seen Such a rumble Since the stones Played altamont.
Well, then, You don't need me.
Ah, come on, tom.
You've already Got roy rogers.
Hey, man-- Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [All shouting] [Applause] Welcome back.
My goodness.
This is A really fantastic night.
My Next guest I have to tell you folks, Honestly, when i knew That i was going to be doing This last farewell show, The first person That i asked for Is this next guest Who is, in my opinion, If i may say, The, uh, first lady Of american comedy, Ms.
Carol burnett.
[Applause] I-- i-- i-- The audience Loves you.
I love you.
What an honor To have you here On, uh, my-- My last, uh, night.
Thank you, And thank you for that-- That beautiful introduction.
Oh, well, I meant it.
From-- From my heart.
You were the first Person that i called To have on the show.
Thank you for-- For being here.
I really was The first person? You were The literally-- Honestly, The first person That i called When i said, "You know what? Really? "I think it's over.
I want Carol burnett.
" [Audience laughs] To be on the show.
To be-- Yeah.
[Audience laughs] There was that, too.
There was that, too.
You know-- The first.
I don't-- i don't Believe you.
You should Believe me.
No, i don't believe you Because i know I was not the first person You called.
Wasn't she The first person We called? You're-- you're-- No, no, no.
No, he's speaking The truth.
You are the First person.
Ellen? Come.
[Applause and cheers] What A nice surprise.
Ellen: yeah.
Ellen, when did He call you? Um, tuesday morning.
[Audience laughs] You called me On wednesday.
Don't do this to me.
I called you [Clears throat] Wednesday.
I did-- I called you-- Her, tuesday.
Please, this is My last night.
[Audience laughs] Speaking Of last shows-- I saw you-- i saw Your last show.
Let's just talk About you first Because i am Just such a huge fan, And i just-- Your last show Was just so moving.
Carol: well, i loved What you did on yours.
I had no idea-- I mean, i love your work, But i had no idea That you were that versatile.
Yeah-- I mean, with all the stuff That you did.
A lot of people don't know I started out As a plate spinner, But it's just The stuff that-- But people Will catch up eventually.
Carol: you know what i wish? Carol: Well, i wish that I still had my show So that we could Work together And we could Do sketches.
I wish that we-- That would be so great To work with you Because i just think You're the most brilliant-- [Audience applauds] I wish that i still had My show so i could have you on.
This is my-- This is my last night.
[Audience laughs] I understand That sometimes You do questions And answers On your show.
That you talk To the audience.
I used to talk To the audience.
That is so much fun.
Yeah, i love that.
I miss that.
That's what I'm gonna miss.
Carol: you know What i'm doing Now and then? I go out.
I go out-- You know, this Is my last night, And it would really Mean a lot to me If you guys could just-- I'm over there.
Well, what-- What's a shame Is that you would go out Like this as a liar.
[Audience laughs] But anyway Audience: ooh! Why don't we take A little break And let me try To figure this out? Sure, but anyway-- But you do the question And answer? I go out on tour.
Right? Yeah, i go on tour, And i do q&as, And it's wonderful.
You'll fly By the seat Of the pants.
It's not Written like Some of this stuff.
[Audience laughs] We'll be right back.
No flipping.
[Applause and cheers] Our next guest-- You're not going To believe it.
We've dreamed of having him on.
He's probably never dreamed Of being here, But we have him tonight.
It's a rare occasion.
One of the finest actors alive, Ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't be a bigger fan, Mr.
Sean penn.
Sean penn.
You know, first of all-- Look at this.
Huh? Now, let me ask you this.
You live-- You do not live In l.
Am i correct? No, i live up In northern california.
Well, thank you for coming.
Let's not-- I'm only-- Let's not make A big deal about it.
It's not That long a flight.
I mean, everyone's Going, "wow.
He flew all the way From northern California.
" It could be a long flight.
They can-- I had a stewardess tell me As we were landing-- I had a script I was looking at.
She said, uh, That i had to put it Away for landing.
This was a script.
A script.
And i had-- You know, you have A magazine on your lap, They don't say anything, But i think she sorta Had it in for me, And i could see she had That nasty thing coming up, And i just decided no.
And i said, "no.
" [Audience laughs] She said, "you're Gonna have to give me That script, sir.
" And i said, "no.
" She didn't call it a script.
So she goes and talks To the pilot.
She comes back, and she says, "Sir, i have to tell you That you are In violation of a far.
" Of a "far"? Which i figure is federal Aviation regulation Or something-- That you're not allowed To have a script? Right.
So why don't they-- Marshals could come In here right now Because i've violated a far.
Was the script that bad? [Laughs] So what was the script, If i may ask? What was The storyline Of the script? Uh, i didn't get that far Because i wasn't really Reading it.
I was just wanting-- Trying to annoy her.
Just trying to annoy The stewardess.
[Applause] Well, You did the job.
Let me ask you this: What is coming up next? Uh, well, i just finished A movie called hurlyburly.
That was a play, Wasn't it? Right.
David rabe.
David rabe.
Great cast.
Who's in the cast? Uh, kevin spacey, Anna paquin, My wife robin, Garry shandling Wow.
Chazz palminteri What a fantastic Cast, huh? Yeah.
Good-- good group.
Fantastic cast.
It's the spectrum Of acting ability.
Who's on the low end Of the, uh, ability There? Oh, i'm not gonna go, You know, there.
But we made a great movie.
Well, Good luck with it.
Why don't we take A break, and we'll Come right back.
No flipping.
Be right back.
That's fantastic.
I'll tell you.
It was shandling.
Really? This guy, Unbelievable.
The most insecure man I've ever met in my life.
Has no focus at all.
Yeah, he-- Before our director tony drazan Would even say, "cut," He'd look at me and say, "How was i?" Really? Relentless.
Yeah, and it didn't stop there.
I don't know if he knew That my wife and i Were together or But he was constantly after her, Trying to get in her trailer.
And then he's got, like, I got on the set the first day, And i thought they were extras.
It was-- it was Wow.
You know him from his hugely Successful television show And from his many movies, Please welcome tim allen.
Tim allen.
Hey, close the fucking door! I heard the news About jon stewart.
What, he's leaving The agency? Yeah.
You know why? He says he caught me In a lie.
Oh, my god, I told a fuckin' lie.
Yeah, i told him His fuckin' show Would run for 20 years.
He didn't seem To mind that lie.
Look, can i be Honest with you? He's got nothing.
I'm telling you, I took a shit This morning With more talent.
Fucking artists.
They're all crazy, neurotic, Babies.
You want? Where'd you get it? Jimmy federson.
He gave it to me At the simon wiesenthal dinner.
God damn it.
I can't tell you How easy our job would be If we didn't have To deal with talent.
But none of us are happy.
You-- Ten years.
Yes, ten years.
That's a big deal.
Well, i appreciate it.
Everybody in the business Is gonna miss you so much.
That's so kind Of you.
No, i'm serious.
Fucking celebrity Circle jerk.
We'll have some free time.
Let's get together.
I look forward to that.
Do something.
You've got me.
You've got me committed On the air.
Ten years.
Can i say it? Ten years.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
That was fantastic.
Thank you.
Thanks, thanks.
You're welcome.
You want to get together next Week, maybe, and do something? My kids are coming to see me.
Your kids? Anyway, i've got to split.
I've got stuff-- Thanks for coming by.
Ten years.
You want my home number? Got your home number.
It's been great.
Hey, tim.
Tim? jungle 2 jungle? Underrated.
We're back, And welcome back.
Now Before We bring out our next guest, I guess this is where We're going to take a moment To hear from hank.
I understand you've Got something you Would like to say.
Got a little something I'd like to say.
Thank you.
I've been Waiting for this.
Uh, i, um, i just wanted To say a very heartfelt And deeply sincere way-- Oh, my god.
Jerry seinfeld! [Applause] Jerry seinfeld.
Oh, my god.
Why don't You sit here? What a-- What an Unexpected-- What a pleasant Surprise for you To come by.
Well, larry, i Just wanted to come by And let you know that We're going to miss you And to say good-bye, And i think you're really Doing the right thing.
Thank you.
That means so much to me.
Thank you so much.
And that was very touching, By the way, what you Were saying.
Thank you.
That was just the first part.
I wasn't-- i wasn't finished.
Oh, well, if that was just The first part, Then it was fantastic.
But, um Anyway, larry, We're certainly going to enjoy Watching you in syndication After this.
This show isn't going to be Syndicated.
Oh, that's right.
That's me.
That is That is you.
You're thinking Of you.
Hank: The last 10 years Have been your gift to The people of this country But they've also Been a gift to a man Who goes by the name Of hank kingsley.
Every night? Every night.
Then you're Definitely doing The right thing.
Why don't we take a break.
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
My next guest is-- We're so lucky to have him.
He's a fantastic singer.
He's a friend, and he's been On the show many times Over the years.
We're lucky to have him.
Clint black.
Clint black, Ladies and gentlemen.
This is a terrific crowd.
Thank you for participating In this evening.
This is the night to be on.
They said if i did real well, You'd have me back again.
Well, let's see how it goes.
You know, I had a surprise for you.
What would that be? It was a surprise for me, And they forgot to tell me What it was, so So it's a surprise For everybody.
For both of us.
Now, i see that there is a-- If i may say Can you say? A guitar back there.
What is that? Oh, my goodness.
See, i was hoping They would say that.
I think we would all Love to hear you sing.
What are you going to-- Well, as a huge fan, We all-- i think i can Speak for everybody Not just here In the audience But at home That we hate To see you go.
Thank you very much.
[Applause] And so i wanted think Of something That would be appropriate, That i might sing to Kind of maybe embody What we wall feel And maybe a little Of what you feel, Although without talking To your shrink-- Play the damn song.
Anyway this is-- This is a song that I think Will really say it all.
Thank you.
Now i have to get sentimental.
* I've been bound To leave you * * Gettin' on that For a while * * I'm sure it's something I can't do * * If i can't leave you With a smile * * I don't know how far * * I'll have to go * * Till i'm sure Those eyes won't cry * * And in my mind i've left * * Enough to know * * That i can't leave you * * With a bad good-bye * * Good-bye * Got another job.
Oh, great.
Tell me.
It sucks.
I'm gonna be The contestant Coordinator For jeopardy.
I like-- I like that show.
Yeah, right.
I get To spend all day Asking a bunch Of fucking eggheads If they know Anything about The monroe doctrine.
Well, get this: Hank offered me a job.
$300 a week With no benefits.
I'm sorry.
I'm thinking Of taking it.
* I'm still bound To leave you * * I surely Don't know how * Artie.
Hey, bruno, How you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You bumping me? What? The man is singing A fucking good-bye song.
I can't believe this shit.
We'll have you on Another time.
Did you just hear What you said? There is no "Another time.
" The party is over.
This is it.
Excuse me.
A man singing to a man.
How fuckin' sick is that? [Sobs] [Coughs] * Easier said than done * * Good-bye * * There's no good When you're the one * * Whose good-bye * * You swore would never come * * And my good-bye * * You're finding on * * How can i be So far between * * Where we are And one more try? * * And any way i look * * I've only seen That i can't leave you * * With a bad * * Good-bye * Good-bye, larry.
Gonna miss you.
Thank you, clint.
We'll be right back.
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
Well Welcome back.
[Applause] I'm, uh, thrilled to have Had the people on tonight That have come here To, uh, say good night.
You know, television Is a, uh, risky business, And, uh, you, uh, You want to entertain, You want to try and do Something new every night, Want to say something fresh.
Uh, 9 times out of 10, You end up with the ropers, But hopefully, Uh, occasionally, Uh, there are nights When we're not, Uh, one of those 9.
And i have many, many, Many talented people To thank for, uh Making this show work The way it does every night.
Artie, who, of course, uh-- The most talented Television producer, Uh, around and, uh, Without whom i could not Have done the last 10 years.
It's an honor, sir.
Thank you so much.
And Of course, Hank kingsley, who I joke about every night, But besides the fact that He's such a talented man, He's a good friend, And i thank you.
And my assistant beverly, Who i could not do The show without, And all of the writers And staff and crew, Thank you so much, And to you at home, Thank you so much For letting us Be in your house Every night To entertain you.
It's an honor and, uh, To tell you the truth, I don't know exactly What i'm going to do Without you.
Thank you so much.
God bless you, And you may now flip.
[Applause] Well, buddy, you did it.
It was great.
It was a great show.
Really? Yeah.
[Whispering] I can't get off The stool.
I can't move my legs.
[Laughing] I can't get off the stool.
What? I can't get off the stool.
Yeah? Here, let me help you.
[Applause] Larry Sprained his ankle.
I should have waited Another 6 months.
Oh, no, larry.
It's all over.
You did it good.
You did good.
Ohh, god.
I hope We beat leno.
Ohh, god.
Artie: Hello, stranger.
Well, well, well.
What are you Doing here? Oh, just being A sad and pathetic Shithead like you.
Sit down.
Really? You know, now that i see The desk like that I don't know why We didn't try it before.
Oh, hell, If you had done it that way, We'd probably still be On the air.
Listen, i'm Not gonna get all, Uh, gooey, kiddo, But i'm sure as hell Gonna miss you.
You're A very clever man, And in spite Of all the daily This and that, Your constant Whining about the Size of your ass, And all the shit You made me clean up Because you were Too much of a pussy To do it yourself, Uh, any time I came down here, I always forgot All that because You made me laugh, And that's What i'm gonna miss.
Oh, ho, i'm gonna Miss those laughs.
And the part about Whining about my ass.
You're gonna miss that A little bit, aren't you? Because who else is gonna Whine about their ass As much as me? Come on.
Aw, he knows me All too well.
Hey, hey, here we Are, the happy trio! Want to have a last Look-see, hank, Before it All goes the way Of television? Hank: thank you! Thank you for not Letting me say my thank you.
I mean, i knew you guys Were pieces of shit, But i, you know, I had no idea.
Artie: well, Try not to be such An asshole, will ya? Hey, don't tell me What to do, ok? You're not my boss Anymore.
That is over.
What is Your problem? What is my problem? Hey.
What is my problem? I spent the last 10 years Being the butt of your jokes.
The little-- The little fucking dog At the end of the couch! You know, it's my fault Because i smiled And i let it happen Because this face Was being seen By millions of people Every night And there Was lots of money And there was lots Of pussy! Well, more money Than pussy.
[Laughs] No more.
Larry: what's wrong With you? No more! I swear to god, no more! One more-- One more remark, And i swear, i-- i-- i-- I'll fucking choke you With my hands! I'm sorry.
I'm just sorry.
I mean, there is a book Called hank kingsley, But there's a new chapter, And you, sir, are not in it, And you, sir, Are not in it.
And all i gotta say Is fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you for the way You treated me And the joke-- The joke you made me Out to be.
Fuck you.
He's such A goddamn idiot, But i sure Do love him.
Well, this Is a nice way To bring down The curtain on A long career.
You retiring? Absolutely.
Shit, yeah.
I'm just Sick and tired of All the bullshit, Scraping and bowing To fucking executives Who think That creativity Is nothing but an Accounting problem, So i've had it, And that's it, fini, And i ain't Never comin' back.
I thought you, uh, Took the job on roseanne.
Oh, that's just A consulting gig, You know.
That doesn't count.
Rosie wants to come Back nice this time, So she wants to Have me come around One day a week To scare the shit Out of her staff.
Money's good, So i couldn't Turn it down.
[Clattering] What the hell Was that? [Sobbing] Artie: What is it? [Sobs] [Artie laughs] I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm [Artie chuckles] I said I didn't I'm such a baby.
[Sobs] Could you-- Larry: you can Have the couch.
Ohh, great, oh, great.
Could you give me a hand? I think i had The car in reverse, And i ran into The fucking dumpster [Sobs] And it Hooked on my bumper.
Come on, lawrence.
Let's help Our brother here.
He's all hooked up On the dumpster.
Hey, what are you guys Doing tomorrow? You want to, Like, get together? I've got a date With illeana douglas.
Oh, good for you! I guess it's us.
I love you, i love you.
Don't, don't, don't.
Let's go.
Let's Go to the smokehouse And, uh, think this over.
Hank: I'm such a prick.
* tonight you're mine * * completely * * you give you love * * so sweetly * * tonight * * the light of love * * is in your eyes * * but will you love me * * tomorrow? * * will you still love me * * tomorrow? *