The Last Man On Earth (2015) s03e02 Episode Script

The Wild Guess Express

Previously on The Last Man on Earth I am worried about Melissa.
Hey, guys, how would you like to stay? You're not gonna regret this.
I know we won't.
You lied! So you could infect me with the virus! (all screaming and yelling) I think I killed him! (all screaming) (screaming, overlapping yelling) Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! I told you he was crazy.
Oh, yeah, Lewis, this isn't a "Who-Knew-Who Was-Crazy-When" contest.
And if it was, I won 'cause I knew it all along.
Oh, please, you could not get his jeans on fast enough.
I put them on very slowly, Lewis.
- (car sputtering) - Hey, hey, why are we slowing down? I'm flooring it.
Nothing's happening.
LEWIS: It's the gas.
Gas goes bad.
Pull over.
We can hide in that house! (engine sputtering) (crickets chirping) Oh! Okay, get in! Get in! (gasps) - (screams) - Okay.
- Tandy, close the door.
- Hey, I'm trying.
- Help me with this.
- Okay.
GAIL: Oh my God.
- No way.
- What? I think we might be in Cher's house.
Well, I don't know.
It could be a fan or a drag queen.
Nope, this is definitely Cher's house.
(door squeaks) She still looks radiant.
(sighs) I mean, I-I I just grazed him! I think I It was just It was just a tap.
I mean, Pat's gonna be fine, right? I definitely heard bones breaking.
I'm night blind, so I've run over a lot of animals.
Possums, coons, squirrels, dogs and cats, of course, and one animal I never knew what it was, but it yelled "Stop!" Might have been a parrot.
TODD: Yeah, so I'm thinking just maybe a couple broken bones, or? Oh, no, you hit him dead-on.
I mean, we're talking full on smush.
Yeah, but, I mean, he's gonna be fine, right? Oh, yeah, a lot of people pull through situations where their intestines shoot out their butts.
- Good God.
- Todd, you should be hoping you killed him, 'cause if you didn't, he'll be coming for us.
And right on cue, the freakin' peanut gallery opens his shell and shoots off his little peanut mouth.
Carol, what are you doing? I'm just having trouble reading your emotions.
(sighs) Oh, you're irritated.
Okay, all I'm saying with my little peanut mouth is that we need to be very cautious here.
Yeah, I'm with Lewis.
Let's leave before Pat comes back and kills us all, or makes us wear those friggin' janky jeans.
Okay, fine, since Lewis has everyone's panties jumping up their buns, I'll go over there and check it out.
No way, Tandy! What if they're right, and he makes us wear the janky jeans? Look, I'll be very careful.
You know me.
I'm an expert at sneaking around.
Oh, my God, what's that? See? I'm gonna be just fine.
TANDY: Pat? It's me Tandy.
Now, don't get any ideas! I'm not alone! I ran into some ex-Marines and MMA fighters.
Guys, introduce yourselves.
(with Southern accent): Hey, I'm Jed.
Semper Fi! (different voice): I'm CJ.
Jujitsu is my game! (in deep voice): Oh, hey, there.
I'm Frisco.
I'm a neck snapper! (in silly voice): Oh, and hello.
I am, uh, Julius.
Uh, Semper Fi.
Another marine.
(in his voice): Okay, Pat, it's me again Tandy.
Now, we're gonna come out.
Don't try anything stupid, okay? We're all heavily armed.
Okay, guys, single file.
Come on, hup two! (crickets chirping) Pat? Bud? You okay? Pat? Taking a little snooze, huh? Pat? Watch out! (wind whistling) I guess I should probably say a few words.
Get your hat off! Wow.
Pat, we had some good times, and then at the end there, we had a really quick bad one that led to this.
(wind whistling) But even though you turned into kind of a monster there at the end, and, you know, you tried to kill my brother, you still deserve a proper burial.
(glass breaking) Everybody here? If I could get your attention.
Uh, bring it in, take a knee.
Melissa? Melissa? Uh, thank you.
Got something I, uh I got to say.
He dead.
He dead? He's dead, or he died.
In times of grief, people often abandon the rules of contraction.
Oh, my God, I killed someone.
Hey, buck up, bud.
You did the right thing.
ERICA: Yeah, - you saved us from a ropeable psycho.
- LEWIS: Yeah.
You're a hero, Todd.
He was a bad guy.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna need need a minute.
Oh, way to go, Lewis.
Calling him a hero.
Read the room, dude! (Todd crying) (weeping) (sobbing) Todd? Yeah Hey, bud.
(sobbing) You're really taking this hard.
Tandy, I killed someone! That doesn't go away, man.
This'll be with me for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure I know how to live with this.
Come on, Todd, you don't mean that.
I do! I don't know how to live with this! (sobbing) (loud sobbing) Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd? Todd? - What? - Todd? Huh? Pat is alive.
- What? - Yeah, he's alive.
(sniffles) That can't be.
Well, it-it it be.
But you told everybody he was dead.
Well, yeah, I told 'em what they needed to hear.
You know I do that from time to time.
I mean, how do you think they'd feel if they knew some deranged maniac was on the loose? Huh? So I didn't kill him? No.
He's totally alive.
In fact, he's moving around better than I've ever seen him.
Just, like, j hoppin' around, jumping around.
- I got to go talk to him.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's a bad idea.
That's a bad idea.
He's pissed.
This is my mess, and I got to clean it up.
I'm gonna do it with - or without your blessing, okay? - No (stammering): Uh, uh, o-okay, okay, okay, yes, yes.
Okay, fine, fine.
But let me go over there first, okay? You know that Pat and I are buds, so, uh, you know, maybe I can heat up the pool a little before you dive in.
Yeah, sure, okay.
Hey, Todd? You feel better? (sniffles) You know, this is gonna sound selfish, because Pat's alive and the group is in danger, but, yeah, I really do.
Good, good.
Okay, I'll be back very soon.
And-and, Todd, do not tell the others.
Pat? Pat, I'm here with Todd, like I told you.
He's here to apologize.
Pat! Where'd you go off to, bud? Pat! Oh, good God.
What the hell? I just talked to him, like, an hour ago, and he seemed to be cooling down.
Something must've set him off.
So crazy.
I mean, what a difference an hour makes.
Heck, less than an hour.
55 minutes.
Maybe even 50.
(sighs) Paint's wet.
Yep, definitely done within the last hour.
Looks like he lit a little incense.
What do these take, like, an hour to burn? So it must've been lit, like, 30 minutes ago.
So recent.
Tandy, look at these.
Oh, my God, let me see that.
That ink's, like, 18, 20 minutes old.
He was just here.
- Oh, damn it! - He was just here.
What are we gonna do about the others? - What do you mean? - They're gonna want to come back here.
- Eh, it's fine.
- No, Tandy, there is a maniac on the loose, and he is pissed at us.
(stammering): Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, I see your point.
Yes, yes, yes.
(stammers) Uh, oh - how 'bout this? - Okay.
We stay away for a few days.
- Right.
- Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll, you know, come back here and paint something on the wall saying he sailed off to Hawaii.
Wouldn't it be nice if he did that? But, hey, what are the chances? We'll see.
How are we gonna keep 'em from coming back here without scaring 'em? Easy.
Just follow my lead.
Okay, guys, so, uh, I took Todd over to see Pat's dead body.
You know, desensitize him.
And it went great.
Right, T? Uh, yeah, you bet.
Y-You know, I, uh I-I looked at it, uh, long enough to feel better.
Anyway, so I think it might be best to just hunker down here for the next few days.
It's pretty gross over there.
It's like a freakin' flock of seals jumped into a wood chipper.
I mean, like, every inch of the place is coated in blood and stool.
Right, T? Yeah, blood, stool, vomit.
Forgot about the vomit.
- Semen.
- I didn't see that.
But, okay, yeah, semen, sure.
- I don't care.
I want to go home.
- I know you do, Care Bear, but I'm gonna have to insist that we stay.
- I'm making the call here.
- LEWIS: You know, Tandy, I think people can make their own decisions.
Is that so? Yep.
I'm going back.
- That's my decision.
- Yeah, I'm my own person, and I'm going back if Gail goes back.
Let's go.
- You're making a big mistake.
- No, guys! Please, don't-don't go! Listen, Tandy, we got to tell 'em.
Tell us what? Tandy! (stammering) - (stammering) - Tandy! - (stammering) - Guys, Pat is alive.
- What? - What? (groans) But, Tandy, you told us he was dead! (stammering): Guys, guys, guys, relax, okay? Pat is very dead.
No, Tandy, we got to come clean.
Listen, Tandy lied to you because he didn't want to scare you.
But the truth is Pat is alive, and he is friggin' pissed at us.
- Oh, Lord on high.
- Oh (gasping) (stammering): Fine, yes, yes, yes, - w-we have to be honest, right? - Yes.
Okay, and the truth is Pat is alive.
I don't understand this game! Tandy, which is it? Pat is dead.
- What? - (whispering): He's alive.
He's-he's dead.
He's alive.
Philip Tandrew Miller, is he alive or is he dead? Tandy? He's alive.
Oh, bloody hell, Tandy! God, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?! - We need weapons! - Yeah.
(sighs heavily) Oh, farts.
Grab Oscars, Emmys, Grammys, Golden Globes! Anything that can be turned into a shiv! TANDY: Guys, come on, relax! I mean, he's just one guy! Just one guy who wants to kill us, you friggin' dingbat! He doesn't want to kill us.
Tandy, he literally wrote on the wall he wants to cut our heads off and drink our blood! (hysterical screaming) Melissa? Melissa? What are you doing up there? Oh, I'm just in Cher's tree throwing some of Cher's bocce balls at Cher's vases.
Okay, but, hon, I'm-I'm gonna need you to come down, because it turns out that Pat is way more alive - than previously advertised.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Be right back.
Wait, where you going? To kill him.
I don't have a gun.
- Do you have a gun? - Melissa, are you okay? I'm fine.
You know, I just worry because it's only been two days since, you know Since I killed that guy? Yeah.
Eh, well, don't worry about me.
I can turn it off like a faucet.
Just like a faucet.
Carol? - Tandy.
- (screams) (screaming) Carol, what are you doing? Oh, Tandy, I'm so scared.
What if Pat comes here and finds us? - He's not going to.
- You don't know that for sure.
Yes, I do, okay? It's not possible.
Anything's possible if you put your mind to it.
Not this time.
Here, have a seat.
Carol, Pat is dead.
But well, you said he was alive.
Look, Todd was just so broken up about the whole thing, I had to do something.
So I lied to him.
I'm so proud of you.
I mean, you blew it on many, many levels.
But your intentions were beyond heroic.
But I created such a mess.
I have no idea what to do now.
Look, you created a monster here.
Yeah? So now you just have to kill it.
Oh, good God.
What, Tandy? - - Aah! Why God, why?! This ends now! (yelling) No, Tandy, don't be a hero.
- Oh, my God.
- The baby.
- TODD: Tandy, where you going? - The baby! What's going on? There, down at the beach.
Pat's come for us, like a bloodthirsty rat to his pied piper.
But Tandy will save us.
Be careful, my love.
Tandy approaches.
Pat is sadistically calm.
Tandy suggests a truce.
Okay, what the hell is this? Shh.
Just let it play out.
I like to see where these things go.
CAROL: Diplomacy fails.
Tandy delivers a roundhouse kick to the face.
Oh! That's got to sting.
Tandy is going in for more.
What a takedown! Body blow, body blow.
Left hook, uppercut, body blow! Wait, what's this? Tandy's offering to spare Pat's life.
He's extending his hand.
What a gentleman.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! He's thrown Tandy to the ground.
An epic battle! The baby! Tandy, no! Use your strength! Pat's going for the eyes.
He's poking Tandy's eyes.
With what will he use to look at our precious baby? Pat's on top.
Now Tandy's on top, and it looks like he's there to stay.
There will be no mercy this time.
Tandy grabs the hacksaw.
He's gonna give it to Pat.
He's gonna let Pat know that he will be judged on a different plane.
He's finishing him.
So much blood, rivers of blood! Oh, there's no coming back from this one, Pat.
This is it for you, Pat.
He's done it! Oh, God, yes! He's done it! Pat's dead! Pat's dead.
Aah! What the hell was that? Well, I think it was pretty self-explanatory.
I took care of beeswax.
Three cheers for Tandy, huh? - Oh, Carol.
Huzzah! - Hip, hip, huzzah! - Hip, hip, huzzah! Join in - Huzzah! join in.
Hip, hip, - huzzah! - Huzzah.
That was not Pat.
Yeah, that was fake.
- How do you know? - GAIL: Pretty sure Pat's body's not made of foam.
We don't know everything about everyone.
Yeah, come on.
The threat is over.
Now can we just move on? Damn it, Tandy, I've had enough of this.
And I've had enough of you.
You shut the hell up! Just shut your stupid mouth and you listen to me for a change! Do we look like idiots? Tandy.
Do we look like idiots? No.
Then why do you treat us like idiots? Now, just know that we all already know the answer to this.
But I want to hear you say it.
Was that Pat? No.
Is Pat alive? No.
So what possible reason do you have to lie to us like this? I killed him, didn't I? (sniffles) I didn't want you to have to live with that.
Thank you, buddy.
That's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.
TANDY: So, I really wanted you guys to feel the essence of Pat here, you know? Get into his psyche.
So this was all you? Yeah.
It's pretty good, huh? See, I even, uh, misspelled the word "totally.
" Threw two Ls in there.
(scoffs) - No, that's spelled correctly.
- Huh.
Tandy, did you take a dump in the Yeah.
ERICA: You know, Tandy, you could have just told Todd you came back to the house, saw Pat alive, and killed him yourself.
- Yeah.
- How'd you get rid of the boat? Did you sink it? What? Oh, my God.
He gone.