The Last Man On Earth (2015) s03e10 Episode Script
Got Milk?
1 (gentle jazz music playing) (tapping glass) Hello, everyone.
- (applause) - Everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hello? Ron, Lily, nice to see you.
Welcome, everyone.
As you know, my name is Pamela Brinton.
And I always say: it feeds the soul to do good deeds.
So, tonight, I want all of our souls to get absolutely stuffed.
Ha-ha! (scattered, brief laughter) As you know, my tireless work with the Pamela Brinton Foundation has saved 4,000 lives.
That's 28,000 lives in dog years.
(crowd chuckles quietly, Pamela laughs) Yep.
Canine hip dysplasia.
It robs a dog of its mobility, its dignity, its very cani-ninity.
(quietly): That's not a word.
What was that, Catherine? Uh, that's not a word.
(laughter) Please, continue.
Imagine how scared you would be if you lost your mobility, your legs, all the Allen.
Thank you for coming.
Didn't know you were gonna be here tonight.
Nice to see you.
Okay, auction time.
Seems like everyone here has got the fever for the flavor.
Well, except for Catherine, avowed cat lover.
No judgment.
Judgment.
I kid! (chuckles) (chuckles): Well, my nickname is Cat, so I suppose my husband Robert is the real Cat lover.
(laughter) Well, I guess my name would be Dogela 'cause I like dogs.
(laughs): Doesn't mean anything.
- (people gasping) - WOMAN: Oh, my God! Th-That's just Leonard.
He's just trying to make tonight about him.
Get your own charity, Leonard.
Stop trying to horn in here.
- (people murmuring) - PAMELA: Um (chuckles) All right, well, let's get this auction started, right? Who let the auction out? Who, who, who, who Who let the auction out? Who, who.
(laughs) Who's the cutest? Who's the cutest? Ooh, Jeremy, yes, you are, you're my cutest.
Ah, thank you, Christina.
That will be all.
Alana, what are the headlines? ALANA (automated female voice): Flooding in Tennessee is expected to continue through the weekend.
President Pence plans to visit the affected areas.
The Federal Pandemic Agency has released new guidelines for combating the emerging viral outbreak.
Ooh, Alana.
Little dark today.
How about a joke? Why did the banker quit his job? He lost interest.
(laughing): What?! Interest! Oh, I needed that.
(laughs) Oh, guess what I heard about Catherine and Robert.
They bought another home.
- Guess where it is.
- London? They wish.
(chuckles) It's under the ground.
What do you mean? It's a bunker.
It's, like, a bomb shelter or something where paranoid people go and live when they think it's the end of the world.
It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
I mean, talk about overreacting.
It's just a bad flu season.
You wash your hands, you don't buy a bunker.
Am I right? What are they, mole people? (laughs): Mole people? Benjamin! Oh, you are giving Alana a run for her money.
(chuckles) Mole people.
(chuckling) (sighs) (gasps) Oh, no.
(man coughing) This place is an absolute pigsty.
Where in the hell is Christina? Oh, Christina texted.
She died.
What? Her daughter or someone texted.
You okay? There's got to be a vaccine.
Pamela, we talked about this.
There is no vaccine.
Well, something fishy's going on, if you ask me.
You mean to tell me the President of the United States doesn't have a vaccine? Yeah, right! NEWSMAN: And there's the presidential hearse, as they head towards Arlington Cemetery.
Michael Richard Pence, 46th President of the United States, dead at the age of 61.
NEWSWOMAN: President Paul Davis Ryan Jr.
NEWSMAN 2: President Rex Wayne Tillerson NEWSMAN 3: President Steven Terner Mnuchin NEWSWOMAN: President Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions NEWSMAN 4: President Betsy DeVos, dead at the age of 61.
Catherine? Pamela! (chuckles): Is that you? I love your bag outfit.
(chuckles): Yes, well, safety first, you know? And that's always in fashion.
(laughs): Yeah.
Yes.
So interesting times.
Hmm.
How's Benjamin? Oh, he's good.
We made love this morning.
Mmm.
With all the bells and whistles.
And, uh, Robert? Oh, he's a little under the weather.
So, um, when do you head off to your little bunkery place? We have to wait a little bit.
They make you take a physical before you enter, so Just a precaution.
I didn't know you had a dog.
I don't.
Well, I, uh (chuckles) should be going.
(crunching) (grunts) Oh Benjamin? Benjamin? (Benjamin coughing) (coughing continues) Benjamin, the door's locked.
What are you doing in there? I think it's best that I stay in here for the time being.
Do you have it? I think so.
Well, would, uh, you would you like me to make you some soup? Get out of here.
Who knows what I've touched? It could be anywhere.
- I'm not leaving you! - You have to.
Where would I go? I don't know.
Anywhere.
Just leave here now.
- Oh, my God.
- Now! Fine! I'll leave! But, Benjamin I'm making you that soup in my heart.
And I'm eating it in mine.
(knocking) PAMELA: Catherine? Catherine? Hello? You here? Oh, God, oh, God.
What am I doing? Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! What am I doing? (gasps) Catherine? Are you alive? I'm gonna poke your buns a little bit.
(gasps softly) Oh, God.
Uh, thank you.
- Okay.
- (door closes) AUTOMATED VOICE: Air seal initiated.
Whew.
(sighs) (exhales) Is this the master? I love it.
She said, sarcastically.
Refried beans? Why didn't you fry 'em right the first time? Ugh.
Gross.
Oh.
Well, this is fun.
Let's see what else we have.
Desert.
Rain forest.
City street.
Prairie.
Country field with an old red barn.
Sphinx! AUTOMATED VOICE: Mobile surveillance system initiated.
Mobile what? Use the control surface to pilot your Breathe Systems drone.
Drone? No, no, no, no, no.
Drone? No.
Uh, log off.
Log down.
Uh, Sphinx please.
Sphinx? (rapid beeping) Unstable.
Unstable.
Where am I? What is this? Returning to charge station.
Yes, please.
(sighs) It's about time.
Sheesh.
(gasps) Sphinx! There she is.
He? Aren't you gonna eat? Look, I know things are grim, but at least we're safe here.
And I bet you there are lots of other bunkers out there just filled with scientists working on a vaccine as we speak.
And once they figure it out, they'll give us the all clear, and we'll be able go back home.
So hang in there.
We just have to wait for the all clear.
Until then, we'll make our own fun, won't we? (chuckles) Okay.
Dig in.
I made it myself.
Come on.
(sniffs) Hey! ("Neutron Dance" by the Pointer Sisters playing) All right.
All right, there you go, Pamela.
Leveling off.
(gasps) Oh! I can see everything.
I don't want to take it anymore Well, well, well.
If it isn't news anchor Lester Holt.
Today's news: yum, yum.
(chuckles) Happy Halloween, Jeremy! (cackles) 'Cause I work so hard to make it every day Oh.
What do we have over here? (music stops) (softly): Oh.
("Silent Night" playing) Well, it's been a tough year.
But we made it through.
Without you, I'm afraid (sniffles) I'm afraid I might have given up.
So thank you.
And Merry Christmas.
I love Oh.
There he goes.
(playing off-key notes) Milk.
Milk.
Milk.
Come on, you can say it.
Milk.
All right, fine.
That's enough for today.
(chuckles) But mark my words you will talk.
(classical string music playing) Milk.
Milk.
(classical music continues) Milk.
Milk.
Milk! Damn it, Jeremy! You're not even trying! Do you even want this? Just say it! (exhales angrily) I'm not talking to you.
(classical music continues) Beach.
Mountain.
Desert.
City.
Farm.
Antiques.
Peru.
Prairie.
Stream.
Everest.
Dune.
Raccoon.
Roller coaster.
Hilltop.
School.
Fancy party.
(singsongy): Oh, Jeremy.
Dinner is served.
Come on, Jeremy.
Come on.
Come on, you little dum-dum.
Good boy.
Do you know you're eating cat food? (chuckles) And you look like a fool.
What would your parents think? You'd be the laugh of the kennel.
You give me that.
Did you want to eat it? You can't have it.
Say "milk.
" Just say it! No, no.
No, no.
Who did this? Jeremy! In or out? Make up your mind.
You want to go out there? 'Cause you certainly don't seem very happy in here.
Is that what you want? Okay.
Here's your chance.
So what's it gonna Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy.
(hisses) (quietly): Jeremy.
Well, go figure.
You're a cat person that eats dog food, and I'm a dog person that eats cat food.
I guess we're more alike than I thought.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh! Can you hear me?! Oh, can you, can you hear me up here?! Oh! My-my name is, uh, Pamela Brinton! Oh! Look at me! Can you hear me?! Can-can you see me?! AUTOMATED VOICE: Battery low.
Drone returning to charge.
- (beeping) - No.
No, no, no.
No, no, no battery low.
No! No, no, no, no, no! (whimpers) AUTOMATED VOICE: Mobile surveillance system recharged.
(sighs): Oh.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's real.
Hello! Can you hear me?! I'm nice, too! I'm not afraid! Hi! My name is Pamela Brinton.
Uh, je m'appelle Pamela Brinton.
I'm in a bunker! Please come find me! (exhales excitedly) - No! - (beeping) AUTOMATED VOICE: Fatal error.
Unit lost.
(beeping continues)
- (applause) - Everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hello? Ron, Lily, nice to see you.
Welcome, everyone.
As you know, my name is Pamela Brinton.
And I always say: it feeds the soul to do good deeds.
So, tonight, I want all of our souls to get absolutely stuffed.
Ha-ha! (scattered, brief laughter) As you know, my tireless work with the Pamela Brinton Foundation has saved 4,000 lives.
That's 28,000 lives in dog years.
(crowd chuckles quietly, Pamela laughs) Yep.
Canine hip dysplasia.
It robs a dog of its mobility, its dignity, its very cani-ninity.
(quietly): That's not a word.
What was that, Catherine? Uh, that's not a word.
(laughter) Please, continue.
Imagine how scared you would be if you lost your mobility, your legs, all the Allen.
Thank you for coming.
Didn't know you were gonna be here tonight.
Nice to see you.
Okay, auction time.
Seems like everyone here has got the fever for the flavor.
Well, except for Catherine, avowed cat lover.
No judgment.
Judgment.
I kid! (chuckles) (chuckles): Well, my nickname is Cat, so I suppose my husband Robert is the real Cat lover.
(laughter) Well, I guess my name would be Dogela 'cause I like dogs.
(laughs): Doesn't mean anything.
- (people gasping) - WOMAN: Oh, my God! Th-That's just Leonard.
He's just trying to make tonight about him.
Get your own charity, Leonard.
Stop trying to horn in here.
- (people murmuring) - PAMELA: Um (chuckles) All right, well, let's get this auction started, right? Who let the auction out? Who, who, who, who Who let the auction out? Who, who.
(laughs) Who's the cutest? Who's the cutest? Ooh, Jeremy, yes, you are, you're my cutest.
Ah, thank you, Christina.
That will be all.
Alana, what are the headlines? ALANA (automated female voice): Flooding in Tennessee is expected to continue through the weekend.
President Pence plans to visit the affected areas.
The Federal Pandemic Agency has released new guidelines for combating the emerging viral outbreak.
Ooh, Alana.
Little dark today.
How about a joke? Why did the banker quit his job? He lost interest.
(laughing): What?! Interest! Oh, I needed that.
(laughs) Oh, guess what I heard about Catherine and Robert.
They bought another home.
- Guess where it is.
- London? They wish.
(chuckles) It's under the ground.
What do you mean? It's a bunker.
It's, like, a bomb shelter or something where paranoid people go and live when they think it's the end of the world.
It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
I mean, talk about overreacting.
It's just a bad flu season.
You wash your hands, you don't buy a bunker.
Am I right? What are they, mole people? (laughs): Mole people? Benjamin! Oh, you are giving Alana a run for her money.
(chuckles) Mole people.
(chuckling) (sighs) (gasps) Oh, no.
(man coughing) This place is an absolute pigsty.
Where in the hell is Christina? Oh, Christina texted.
She died.
What? Her daughter or someone texted.
You okay? There's got to be a vaccine.
Pamela, we talked about this.
There is no vaccine.
Well, something fishy's going on, if you ask me.
You mean to tell me the President of the United States doesn't have a vaccine? Yeah, right! NEWSMAN: And there's the presidential hearse, as they head towards Arlington Cemetery.
Michael Richard Pence, 46th President of the United States, dead at the age of 61.
NEWSWOMAN: President Paul Davis Ryan Jr.
NEWSMAN 2: President Rex Wayne Tillerson NEWSMAN 3: President Steven Terner Mnuchin NEWSWOMAN: President Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions NEWSMAN 4: President Betsy DeVos, dead at the age of 61.
Catherine? Pamela! (chuckles): Is that you? I love your bag outfit.
(chuckles): Yes, well, safety first, you know? And that's always in fashion.
(laughs): Yeah.
Yes.
So interesting times.
Hmm.
How's Benjamin? Oh, he's good.
We made love this morning.
Mmm.
With all the bells and whistles.
And, uh, Robert? Oh, he's a little under the weather.
So, um, when do you head off to your little bunkery place? We have to wait a little bit.
They make you take a physical before you enter, so Just a precaution.
I didn't know you had a dog.
I don't.
Well, I, uh (chuckles) should be going.
(crunching) (grunts) Oh Benjamin? Benjamin? (Benjamin coughing) (coughing continues) Benjamin, the door's locked.
What are you doing in there? I think it's best that I stay in here for the time being.
Do you have it? I think so.
Well, would, uh, you would you like me to make you some soup? Get out of here.
Who knows what I've touched? It could be anywhere.
- I'm not leaving you! - You have to.
Where would I go? I don't know.
Anywhere.
Just leave here now.
- Oh, my God.
- Now! Fine! I'll leave! But, Benjamin I'm making you that soup in my heart.
And I'm eating it in mine.
(knocking) PAMELA: Catherine? Catherine? Hello? You here? Oh, God, oh, God.
What am I doing? Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! What am I doing? (gasps) Catherine? Are you alive? I'm gonna poke your buns a little bit.
(gasps softly) Oh, God.
Uh, thank you.
- Okay.
- (door closes) AUTOMATED VOICE: Air seal initiated.
Whew.
(sighs) (exhales) Is this the master? I love it.
She said, sarcastically.
Refried beans? Why didn't you fry 'em right the first time? Ugh.
Gross.
Oh.
Well, this is fun.
Let's see what else we have.
Desert.
Rain forest.
City street.
Prairie.
Country field with an old red barn.
Sphinx! AUTOMATED VOICE: Mobile surveillance system initiated.
Mobile what? Use the control surface to pilot your Breathe Systems drone.
Drone? No, no, no, no, no.
Drone? No.
Uh, log off.
Log down.
Uh, Sphinx please.
Sphinx? (rapid beeping) Unstable.
Unstable.
Where am I? What is this? Returning to charge station.
Yes, please.
(sighs) It's about time.
Sheesh.
(gasps) Sphinx! There she is.
He? Aren't you gonna eat? Look, I know things are grim, but at least we're safe here.
And I bet you there are lots of other bunkers out there just filled with scientists working on a vaccine as we speak.
And once they figure it out, they'll give us the all clear, and we'll be able go back home.
So hang in there.
We just have to wait for the all clear.
Until then, we'll make our own fun, won't we? (chuckles) Okay.
Dig in.
I made it myself.
Come on.
(sniffs) Hey! ("Neutron Dance" by the Pointer Sisters playing) All right.
All right, there you go, Pamela.
Leveling off.
(gasps) Oh! I can see everything.
I don't want to take it anymore Well, well, well.
If it isn't news anchor Lester Holt.
Today's news: yum, yum.
(chuckles) Happy Halloween, Jeremy! (cackles) 'Cause I work so hard to make it every day Oh.
What do we have over here? (music stops) (softly): Oh.
("Silent Night" playing) Well, it's been a tough year.
But we made it through.
Without you, I'm afraid (sniffles) I'm afraid I might have given up.
So thank you.
And Merry Christmas.
I love Oh.
There he goes.
(playing off-key notes) Milk.
Milk.
Milk.
Come on, you can say it.
Milk.
All right, fine.
That's enough for today.
(chuckles) But mark my words you will talk.
(classical string music playing) Milk.
Milk.
(classical music continues) Milk.
Milk.
Milk! Damn it, Jeremy! You're not even trying! Do you even want this? Just say it! (exhales angrily) I'm not talking to you.
(classical music continues) Beach.
Mountain.
Desert.
City.
Farm.
Antiques.
Peru.
Prairie.
Stream.
Everest.
Dune.
Raccoon.
Roller coaster.
Hilltop.
School.
Fancy party.
(singsongy): Oh, Jeremy.
Dinner is served.
Come on, Jeremy.
Come on.
Come on, you little dum-dum.
Good boy.
Do you know you're eating cat food? (chuckles) And you look like a fool.
What would your parents think? You'd be the laugh of the kennel.
You give me that.
Did you want to eat it? You can't have it.
Say "milk.
" Just say it! No, no.
No, no.
Who did this? Jeremy! In or out? Make up your mind.
You want to go out there? 'Cause you certainly don't seem very happy in here.
Is that what you want? Okay.
Here's your chance.
So what's it gonna Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy.
(hisses) (quietly): Jeremy.
Well, go figure.
You're a cat person that eats dog food, and I'm a dog person that eats cat food.
I guess we're more alike than I thought.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh! Can you hear me?! Oh, can you, can you hear me up here?! Oh! My-my name is, uh, Pamela Brinton! Oh! Look at me! Can you hear me?! Can-can you see me?! AUTOMATED VOICE: Battery low.
Drone returning to charge.
- (beeping) - No.
No, no, no.
No, no, no battery low.
No! No, no, no, no, no! (whimpers) AUTOMATED VOICE: Mobile surveillance system recharged.
(sighs): Oh.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's real.
Hello! Can you hear me?! I'm nice, too! I'm not afraid! Hi! My name is Pamela Brinton.
Uh, je m'appelle Pamela Brinton.
I'm in a bunker! Please come find me! (exhales excitedly) - No! - (beeping) AUTOMATED VOICE: Fatal error.
Unit lost.
(beeping continues)