The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e07 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man On Earth ERICA: Another painless birth, huh? CAROL: Would you believe it was even easier than the first one? Melissa, I don't need kids to be happy.
All I need is you.
- You are the snake? - PANCHO: I thought you knew.
You were going to let me hit the piñata.
HECTOR: The bomb is not in the piñata.
PANCHO: Then where is it? (WOMEN SPEAKING BABY TALK) (INDISTINCT TALKING) Guys.
Guys.
I did it.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Boop.
(LAUGHS) I finished a whole side.
Guys, come on, look at how smart I am.
Guys? Tandy, I have a question if you're so smart, why are you calling us "guys"? Yeah, it's just what you say when you want to get a bunch of people's attention.
Yeah, but we're all women and now with the twins and Dawn, there's seven ladies and only three men.
I mean, we more than double you.
Don't you think calling us "guys" is a little sexist? (CHUCKLES): Uh, I can't be sexist.
Okay? I am a father of two baby women.
I mean, I think girls are so nice I made 'em twice.
- Whatever, Tandy.
- What? Uh, no, seriously, I am super pro-lady.
I wouldn't lie to you guys.
- Tandy! - There it is.
Sexist pig.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're absolutely right.
We are living in a brave new world, where there are more hot dog buns than hot dogs.
So if I have offended you guys at all - WOMEN: Tandy! - Oh, I did it again! That I that was my bad.
Look, this is a problem, okay? And it will not stand.
(HUFFING BREATHS) How about this? From now on, anytime we would normally say "guys," we'll say "gals" instead.
This'll last a day.
Uh, no, uh, no, it won't.
Huh? This is gonna last a lifetime.
Yeah.
Hey, got an ultra-serious question for you.
What's got two thumbs and a deep respect for gender equality? This gal.
This gal.
That's not gonna get annoying at all.
Hey, Gail? Gail? Gail? Yeah, on that, we're in total agree-woment.
Agree-men-t? Nah.
Agreewomen-t.
Yeah, that's my current jam.
And I look forward to spreading it on all your bread.
Idiot.
(TODD SPEAKING BABY TALK) (SPEAKS BABY TALK, GIGGLES) How's our little cutie muffin? Well, she's warm and she's toasty, but I'm afraid she might have too many blueberries.
Hmm? Maybe I should eat a few.
Let me see that.
Mm.
- (MOCK GOBBLING) - Um, Todd? - (GRUNTING) - Todd.
Uh? - It's time for me to feed her.
- Oh.
- Uh yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, sure.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
You got her? Okay.
Geez, y-you see that? I mean, she just swooped in and took her.
It was a little rude.
Well, don't you go play with the twins? Well, they're sleeping, so I guess I'm on my own.
Look, you want a play date so bad, there's an obvious solution right under your nose.
TODD: Jasper? Well, it's kind of a perfect match.
You want to hang out with kids, he has no parents.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just I'm not sure he'd want to hang out with me.
Have you asked him? Mm, no.
- I'll just go ask him for you.
- No.
Okay? I'll do it.
Just not here, all right? Geez.
I'm gonna put on a different shirt.
Mom.
Thank gollness.
Can you help me with the twins? Mike needs to be fed, and Bezequille doesn't like to watch.
Where's Tandy? Well, he's busy.
He's changing all the manatee art to woman-atee art.
This house has a surprising amount of manatee art.
All right, yeah, give me the little rug rat.
(CAROL GROANS) Oh, Mom, I do not know what I would do without you.
(GROANS) Raising one baby is a challenge, but two is a full-time sport.
I am coach, quarterback whew! And the water cooler.
Okay, but I can only do it for a little while, 'cause I promised Erica I'd watch Dawn while she takes a bath.
Oh.
I see.
- What? - Nothing.
I just think it's interesting that you have all this time for Dawn, but you don't have any time for your actual, legal grandchildren.
Are we really gonna go there? Bezequille and Mike are your notarized flesh and blood.
And Dawn is just some itinerant baby of a woman you're currently dating.
Erica is not just some woman I'm dating.
Okay, we're not married, but we're in a committed relationship.
(SCOFFS): Okay, if you say so.
How dare you.
Erica and I were doing the female hunka-chunka - before we even knew y'all were alive.
- Fine.
Have it your way.
I'll just tell the twins their grandma ditched them for some stranger-baby.
Don't you listen to her.
Jasper? Knock-knock.
(CHUCKLES) Who's there? I'm just kidding.
Jasper? Hey, hey, bud.
Oh, look at you.
Set up a little bachelor pad.
That's cool.
(VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS SHOUTING, WEAPONS FIRING) Uh, killing Nazis, huh? Yeah.
Don't have any problem with that, no, sir.
Even the ones just following orders.
You know, you got to be held accountable for your actions.
(FAINTLY): Stupid.
I was wondering, uh, if you're not doing anything, uh, you-you-you, um you want to hang out or something? I mean, 'cause you could totally say no.
I mean, why would you wanna (LIKE OLD MAN): hang out with an old guy like me? Come on, bud, five minutes.
Just, you know, four.
May-Maybe-maybe two.
Right on.
Whatever.
Hey.
Thanks for watching Dawn.
Of course.
I should warn you that Carol was not too thrilled about me being pulled away.
Oh, God.
What now? She's just mad because she thinks I spend more time with Dawn than with the twins.
Well, you're Dawn's mom, too.
Oh, not according to Carol.
She's giving me grief on account of us not being married.
- Oh! - You know Carol.
I mean, she won't go to the bathroom unless she's got a certified dumping permit.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES): What? I was just thinking about us as a married couple.
(LAUGHS) What's so funny about that? I mean, can you imagine us getting all gussied up and declaring our love to the world like a couple of chumps? (LAUGHS) Yeah, wouldn't that be horrible? What? Did I say s (GROANS) Women.
Okay, hun, look, I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way.
- Sure.
- I mean, it's not that I wouldn't want to be married to you, I just don't want to be married to anybody.
It's a flawed institution.
It's like bread bowls or the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
You already made your point, so could we just drop it? I mean, we live together, we're raising a kid together.
It's like we're already married.
The only thing we don't have is just some stupid piece of paper.
Yeah, stupid piece of paper that says you'll always be there even if the other person gets sick or they get fat or they drool in their sleep, because you can't imagine your life without them.
(GROANS): Oh, God.
All right.
If getting married is really something that you want to do, then I'll bite the bullet.
Wow.
With a proposal like that, how could I say no? Whoa! Oops.
Must be a hole in my glove.
Oh! Uh-oh, worm burner! (CHUCKLES) Hey, you know, truth be told, I never even played catch It's just something I saw all my friends do with their dads, and Well, my dad was a little checked out, so I taught myself how to play catch, how to ride a bike, you know? Um even taught myself how to shave.
What's to shave? Oh, you don't know about shaving? Ah, bud, learning to shave is like a rite of passage.
It'd be my honor to guide you through it.
Here, give me that.
Go long.
(CHUCKLES) No.
Not that long, bud.
Thanks again, Melissa.
Gail said she was gonna help, but apparently, she has more important babies to tend to.
It's no problem.
Hey, gals.
Uh, just burned some dirty diapers on the lawn.
Woman, oh, woman, is it hot out! Yeah, plus all the pollen.
Think I might have to go take a anti-her-stimine.
Wow, you're really doubling down on all this crap.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah.
If by "crap," you mean smashing the patriarchy and being a full-on gender-friender, then yes, I'm 100% full of crap.
CAROL: You know, Tandy, there's more to being a feminist than just talk.
Yeah, and you can't just change a bunch of words around and think you're the next Betty Friedan.
Uh, don't know who that is, but I think I get the point.
Which is why I am entering phase two of what I'm calling my "Sex Change Operation.
" 'Cause well-behaved Tandies seldom make herstory.
TODD: That's it.
Nice, even strokes.
Just go with the grain, bud.
Again, this is not the normal shave area, but for our purposes, this makes the most sense.
You know, because you don't have any hair on your face, and Melissa likes my mustache for reasons I'll explain to you someday.
You're never gonna forget this, bud.
We share a sacred bond now.
Shave brothers.
Or, shave father and son, if, you know - What? - Nothing.
(CLEARS THROAT) Nothing.
Just, uh, shave brothers.
(LAUGHING): Yeah.
Yep.
Hey, you ever learn how to tie a tie? (DAWN CRYING) I'll get her.
You sleep.
Shh.
- (DAWN QUIETS) - Yeah (SIGHS) Vagina-doodle-doo! Rise and shine, everyone! What a beautiful daughter-rise.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) GAIL: Now, listen here.
In my experience, marriage has never been about love.
It's about doing what other people expect of you.
The first time I got married is 'cause I thought I was pregnant.
The second time was because I was pregnant.
And the third time was because a wife can't testify against a husband in court.
It's a long story.
Now, I got Carol giving me a hard time every time I hang out with you and Dawn.
But for God's sakes, I don't want to marry you just because Carol told me to.
I can do whatever the hell I want to do.
And right now (SIGHS) that is marrying you.
(EXHALES) Gail, is this really what you want? More than anything in the whole, wide world.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) GAIL: Hmm.
Then yes.
(BOTH LAUGH SOFTLY) Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to bring two souls together in holy matrimony.
I want to be clear: this is not a gay wedding.
Because now, we're living in a world in which men and women don't exist.
Which means gay doesn't, either.
So, this is just a regular wedding.
(SOFT LAUGHTER) - But it's still special.
- Mm-hmm.
Because it's the hottest type of regular wedding, with two smoking hot people about to make a very public display of affection.
I feel like Bill Clinton right now.
A simple man between two legendary Bushes.
- One of them a little older.
- (ERICA GROANS) Now, at a certain point, I'm gonna ask these two ladies to kiss.
A display that once would have been considered "Too Hot for TV.
" Uh, and, heck, I'll admit: I was part of the problem.
I used to titter when I would watch Gail and Erica kiss.
But now, I just watch.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) How far we've come.
- (EXHALES) - TANDY: What a glorious couple.
What they lack in interconnecting parts, they make up for in love.
As they scissor through the chains of ignorance Tandy.
Strap on, it's gonna be a wild ride.
- Tandy! - Tandy! Just skip over anything about us being gay.
(CHUCKLES) I couldn't have said it better.
Look, this is not just a marriage.
This is the union of three souls: Erica, Gail and Dawn.
The three of you will form an unbreakable bond that nobody can penetrate.
Bears repeating: this will be a union without penetration.
Well, here goes nothing, huh? Do you, Gail Klosterwoman, take Erica to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do.
And do you, Erica wait a minute.
What's your last name? (QUIETLY): Dundee.
(ERICA CLEARS THROAT) What? It's Dundee.
(LAUGHS) Wait a minute (STAMMERS) So, you are from Australia, and your last name is Dundee? - Tandy, please.
- (LAUGHS) So, this-this whole time Tandy! Out of respect for your love, I will put a pin in this.
Okay.
So, do you, Erica Dundee Like Crocodile Dundee from the movie Take Gail Klosterwoman to be your (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT): "That's not a wife, this is a wife?" - I do.
- Then, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you regular married.
You may kiss as deep and hard as you want to.
(APPLAUSE) (TODD LAUGHING) (TODD WHOOPS) (SOFT LAUGHTER) TANDY: Now, to end decades of male oppression, and usher in a new era of gender equality, I will break through the symbolic glass ceiling by shattering this actual glass ceiling.
- (SHOUTS) - What the hell? - ERICA: No! No! - GAIL: Go! Go! - TODD: Tandy, Tandy Huzzah.
Everyone, please gather 'round as Gail and Erica have their first dance.
Great.
Now, the bride and bride have chosen the song "At Last" by Etta James, which would have been pretty good, but I opted to pull an audible in favor of a different song, uh, an unambiguous celebration of the female spirit.
The sort of thing you'd find in the record collection of Miss Gloria Steinem.
Steinem? I hardly knew her.
- (GROANING) - TANDY: Without further ado, the first dance.
Girls, girls, girls Long legs and burgundy lips Girls, girls, girls Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip Girls, girls, girls Life-lasting friendships Wonderful people Girls, girls, girls Lots of names like Jennifer Hey, bud, why aren't you wearing the suit we picked out? I thought we were gonna dress up like twinsies.
I wore this instead.
Yeah, well, I would've appreciated a little heads-up.
I mean, I look like an idiot up there, bud.
Okay.
Hey! Don't you walk away from me.
I am talking to you, young man.
(TANDY SINGING IN DISTANCE) Yeah, ooh.
Thank you so much.
Uh, for my next number, I'm gonna - GAIL: Uh oh.
- (GLASS CLINKING) CAROL: I'd like to say something.
Mom, you're married.
Who saw that coming? (LAUGHS) You hated marriage, and yet, here we are.
So, here's to Gail and Erica.
Now you can spend as much time as you want with your stepdaughter, and none with Mike and Bezequille.
Well said, Carol.
Beautiful.
Hey, Carol.
That was some toast.
Look, I'm not gonna steal your mom from you.
Well, you can't steal what's already yours.
She clearly picked you.
This isn't an either/or situation.
Gail is your mom.
Nothing comes between a mother and her daughter.
As new moms, we both know that better than anyone.
I guess I never really thought of it like that.
Besides, we got to stick together.
You're the only person who knows Gail as well as I do, with all her little quirks.
Glug, glug, glug.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Yeah, like, her accent always comes out when she gets really tired.
Or the weird way she writes her Gs.
They're like little sunglasses.
Or how, when she's flossing, she always gets tired and gives up after two teeth.
I hadn't noticed that.
You will.
(CAROL LAUGHS) Well, thanks, Erica.
Hey.
Don't you mean "Mom"? Thanks, Mom.
What do you say we go back in there? Hey.
Where's your little friend? Not sure.
Probably off having more fun by himself.
What happened? I came on too strong.
Snapped at him.
I think I wanted it too bad.
Well, I think you might have connected better than you thought.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Nice suit, bud.
Thanks.
Here, let me help you with that.
TANDY: All right, everyone, please, uh, gather 'round.
It's time for the mother-daughter dance.
Well, shall we? (BOTH LAUGH) One second.
Well, for what are you waiting? (CHUCKLES) Moms, moms, moms Red lips, fingertips Daughters, daughters, daughters At the Mom House in Fort Daughterdale Moms, moms, moms