The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e12 Episode Script

Señor Clean

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth - I'm a cannibal.
- I'm going to get Jasper.
You knew where Jasper was this whole time? - You know what you need to do.
- We have to kill him.
TANDY: I took the liberty of cutting up some straws.
(GASPS) Got it! I can't do (GASPS) So? I did it.
You killed him? Oh, yeah.
I don't even remember pulling the trigger.
I mean, my back was still to him, you know? And then I heard a popping sound.
Uh, the gun must have just discharged early.
Your gun discharged early? Gail, this is not the time for a hurtful sexual joke.
We're talking about a man's life here.
And Carol and I have been working through that problem.
- Yeah.
- Anyway - So you weren't even aiming at him? - Yeah.
But, I mean, it must have ricocheted off something and hit him, 'cause when I turned around, he was majorly dead.
You know, lower body still relatively intact.
Upper body just went full Houdini on me, though.
You know, just disappeared.
Not there anymore.
- (GROANING) - Oh, you're (CHUCKLES) You're telling me.
I mean, the whole room looks like a Thanksgiving toilet after a turkey recall.
- Just spattered.
- (GROANING) - Gross.
Well, it just doesn't add up.
- Look, maybe it'll help if I take you through an improvised recreation of the events.
So, obviously, I opened with your standard vase-based practice shot.
(MIMICS GUNSHOT) (GASPING) Then, from the other room, I heard Carol say (NASALLY): "Is it over?" - Is it over? - To which I replied (DEEP VOICE): "Practice shot.
Doing it now.
" And then a poignant final good-bye.
And then I counted off ten paces.
One, two, three, four, blah, blah, blah Yeah.
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Gun went off.
(MIMICS GUNSHOT) Thanksgiving toilet.
Maybe it'll make more sense if we go to the actual room.
- Come on.
- (GASPING) - (GROANING) - TODD: Oh, my God.
No, we'll take your word for it.
Thank you.
I killed him.
Hungry eyes I see the magic between you and I Hungry eyes.
A fitting tribute.
We're gathered here today to lay rest to most of Karl.
As we all know, he was a very complex person.
So we bury him in two separate caskets as a symbol of the two starkly contrasting sides of his personality.
One of those sides was solid, kinda together.
The other side was just a friggin' mess, yeah, as represented by this loose bag of human bric-a-brac that we cobbled together off the curtains and rugs and floors and such.
Karl, we send you our thoughts and prayers as you hurtle, screaming, on your terrifying journey to Hell.
Heck, you're probably chewing on Bill Cosby's gallbladder right now, washing it down with a warm cup of diarrhea.
I don't know much about cannibalism.
I assume that's how it works.
Back to the matter at hand.
Lucifer, it's me again.
Please take care of our Karl.
He was a gentle killer who, uh, tried very hard not to eat his friends.
Upside-down amen.
Now, is there anything that anybody'd like to say about Karl? Um Karl, in case you need a snack on your unholy journey, I collected some of Tandy's dandruff and foot skin flakes.
I sprinkle them over you now.
Um I'm sorry you had to die.
Um, but you are a people eater, and I couldn't risk you eating my baby.
Well said, Erica.
That job belongs to dingoes.
National tragedy, but it's fine.
Anybody else? I'd like to say a few words.
I've been thinking.
For the first time since the virus took our world away, I've been really happy.
Like happy to the point that I almost forgot what life was like when there were people around.
But then Karl came, and he threatened to take all of that away from me.
So I just want to say, thank you, Tandy.
You were right about Karl, and I was too stubborn to see it.
And I just want you to know that we all owe you a debt of gratitude, and that will not soon be forgotten.
- Uh, uh - Oh, and, you know, I just also want to say that it's really refreshing to see you listen to me and not have to just jump right in and toot your own horn or do that dumb little nose laugh thing you do.
(BREATHY CHUCKLE) I don't do that.
Oh, you do.
Y'all just do your Tandy.
(BREATHY CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLES) What? You've really changed.
So, keep it up.
(STAMMERS) I don't know what to say.
I, uh Let's see what else I have here.
Uh Wouldn't you know it, on every single card, it just says, "Hey, you guys are the heroes.
"I'm just a mirror reflecting your heroism.
" That's what they all say.
You can read it.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch Like him and him.
Oh my God! Oh, Carol.
I mean, you saw it.
She was, like, gushing with praise.
- Oh, she absolutely was.
- And I was just frozen.
I couldn't believe it.
I was like I mean, you saw it.
I did.
I was taken aback.
I was taken several backs.
- I was like this - I saw you.
But I couldn't move.
It was like And I was like (HIGH-PITCHED): I can't do it.
(HIGH-PITCHED): I can't move.
(BOTH LAUGH) - (EXHALES) - Tandy, this is a huge breakthrough.
(SCOFFS) I don't know about that, Care Bear.
I-I mean, obviously, the rest of the group really admires me, but Understatement of the century.
But for Gail you know, I think it's still just, like, a very deep respect.
But, hey, I mean, that's not nothing.
Maybe it could be not not nothing.
You mean something? You keep this up, Gail's gonna go from being your mother-in-law to a mother-in-awe.
And that would be great, but that's not what this is about, Carol.
This is about me being the best Tandy I can be for no other reason than it just feels really good.
Carol, what's happening to me? You killed a man.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I should murder people more often.
And there we go.
Come on, Todd.
Just 'cause we're in a little fight doesn't mean you need to sleep out here.
Oh, this isn't for me.
This is for you.
It's the liar's couch.
That's a chair.
Now you know what it feels like to be lied to.
Fine, Todd.
I am sorry I didn't tell you about Jasper.
Oh, she's sorry.
I made a promise to him.
Y-You knew I was out there looking for him, worried sick.
I mean, when were you planning on letting me know? Do you think I wanted to be in this position? Lying to everyone? I don't know.
All I was trying to do was to make sure that nine-to-11-year-old little boy had a lifeline so that we didn't lose him altogether.
I made a promise.
I know, and I'm-I'm Geez, I'm sorry.
- (SIGHS) - Really, I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Well, I'm glad we settled that.
(LAUGHS) So, where is he? - Todd.
- What? You know I can't tell you that.
Why? We just went over this! Well, then I bid you good night! Okay? Sweet nightmares! Enjoy your chair bed! Ridiculous.
What's going on in here? Eh, just doing a little cleanup.
You cleaned up this whole room? Well, I had a little help from Señor Clean.
Tandy Miller, what's gotten into you? It looks like the Tandy-man has become the handyman.
Hey, gals.
Come on, cut it out.
We all would have done the same thing.
- It's no big deal.
- GAIL: Wait.
(SCOFFS) Did you just say "no big deal" instead of saying "NBD" or "nizzle bizzle dizzy"? (LAUGHS) Fresh pot of coffee on the table.
Help yourself.
Um, Tandy, do we have any creamer? Creamer? (CHUCKLES) - No, I don't think that we do, no.
- Wait, Tandy.
Come on.
Really listen to me.
Do we have any cream her? Sorry, no.
I can pop out to the store.
ERICA: Come on, Tandy.
You know what she's saying.
Gail, set me up.
Erica, do we have any creamer? Creamer? I hardly knew her.
Boom! Doy, duh.
(LAUGHS) That's very funny.
But, look, I should probably just keep focused on the task at hand.
Oh, Gail, can you pass me that cleaner-no-further-comment? Thank you.
(SLURRING): You're going to see him, aren't you? - (EXHALES) You scared me.
- Oh.
You were scared? In the in the comfort of your own home? I wonder how a boy alone in the woods feels.
Todd, it's 11:00 a.
What are you drinking? Well, I wish it was poison.
But if you must know, it's Bud Light Lime, rocks.
And I'm already two deep.
I'm coming with you.
We talked about this.
Melissa, look, this craziness has gone on long enough.
I'm coming with you.
I'm not taking no for an answer.
- No.
- Fine! What are you doing? Well, uh, people have been complaining about the dirty diaper pile, so I decided to do something about it.
And balloons is your answer? That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
I don't know.
It smells better already.
Looks kind of fun.
I'm on board.
Thanks, G Spot.
(LAUGHS) G Spot? Tandy Miller, do you know they used to call me that in high school? TANDY: What? Two years ago? Now, you're gonna make me blush.
(LAUGHS) Hey, where you going with that cooler, hon? Gail, you know exactly where I'm going.
So, if you want to give me any crap, just save it.
Melissa? What? Go to him.
G Spot, you want to do one? - Duh.
- Well, get in here, girl.
(LAUGHING) No I'm being serious.
Blue raspberry's not a real flavor.
The Pop-Tart people just made it up.
(LAUGHS) Scored you some new comic books.
MELISSA: So, I have to tell you something.
The others found out I know.
What? There was this really big emergency, and this guy was trying to eat us, and then Tandy exploded him.
There was blood and guts everywhere.
Really gross.
You would have loved it.
Anyway, I had to tell them, so they're all really mad at me.
Because they just really miss you.
Especially Todd.
But I won't tell them.
I won't tell them where you are if you don't want me to.
Okay? Just keep bringing you Pop-Tarts.
(BOTH LAUGH) MELISSA: Such a healthy diet.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Come in.
What are you all dressed up for? - I have a date.
- Oh, yeah? What are you getting your bad self into? I'm having a drink with my mother-in-law.
What do you say, G Spot? Well, hooty! Yeah, let's do it! - Really? - Yeah.
- What the hell, Todd? - Look, I can explain.
There he is.
You want to talk to him so bad, go talk to him.
- No, I I shouldn't.
- Then why did you come here? Look, I wanted to talk to him, okay? - (SIGHS) - But then I saw you with him, and I realized he doesn't trust me like he trusts you.
(LAUGHING): All I do is freak him out.
And you you're really good with him.
(SIGHS) - What? - It's just funny, you know.
I want to be a dad so bad, but I just keep chunking it.
You you hate the idea of being a mom, but you're - Todd.
- I'm just saying.
- Well, don't.
- All right.
Look, don't worry.
I've given up on being a dad.
You have? Yeah, it's just not in the cards, you know.
I can still be an uncle.
You know, uncle's not bad.
There are some perks.
You know? All the good stuff, none of the responsibilities.
And that's enough for you? I guess it's gonna have to be.
Come on, let's go.
(GAIL LAUGHS LOUDLY) (BOTH LAUGHING) You want another shot? Hit me.
(TANDY CHUCKLES) (GAIL INHALES DEEPLY) (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Oh, boy! Yeah, that's fantastic! G Spot represent! (LAUGHING) (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Gary, Indiana Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana! (BOTH LAUGHING) (TANDY INHALES) (IN NORMAL VOICE): Hey, you know what? I'm having a really nice time with you.
(CRIES, SNIFFLES) Tandy, what's wrong? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): That just means a lot to hear you say that.
(IN NORMAL VOICE): It's no secret.
You and I have gone through some rough patches with our relationship.
But it feels like we're in a really good place right now, and that's important to me, you know? Why do you care so much what I think? Guess I'm just not used to getting praise.
You know, growing up, my brother always got all the attention.
He was a real overachiever.
My parents just ate it up.
It's like I wasn't even there.
So that's why, at the funeral, when you told me I did good, oh, man, it just made me feel like Like I finally made the fridge, you know? You've come a long way since Tucson.
And you know what? I bet, if your parents were still alive, they'd be just as proud of you as I am.
Your friendship means a lot to me.
Oh, come on.
Who are we kidding? Friends? Oh, after all we've been through, we're way more than just friends.
You get me? Uh, yeah.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, you know, I I, uh I should, uh, probably get back to my wife Carol.
You don't want a little more wine? Mm, I don't think that'd be a good idea.
(LAUGHS) CAROL: I'm thoroughly positive that Bezequille's birthmark is growing, but the Pilbasians always go through a birthmark growth phase.
Waxing during the baby phase, and then waning as toddlers, and then really kicking into high gear during puberty.
I see.
CAROL: Oh, Tandy.
I was having the most interesting chat with Gail.
And, uh, let me guess.
Did it happen to include how your mother wants to have sex with me? - Oh, Lord.
- What? I should've seen it coming, Carol.
I mean, that whole put-on at the funeral was all just a long con to get at my dong.
A funeral, Gail? That's where you like to cruise for meat, huh? Tandy, what the hell are you talking about? I could ask you the same question, couldn't I? To think I used to look at you like a mother! And then you started with the innuendo and the hand play.
Tried to take us back to the moment where we first met.
When the drinks were flowing and skinny-dipping was the topic of the day.
Well, I got the skinny for you, Gail.
The dip you once knew is married.
To your daughter! And there's not gonna be any funny business between us 'cause I haven't wanted to see you naked for a long time, and dreams don't count, okay? You can't control those, and I will not be held (STAMMERING): responsible for them, okay? And to think I called you G Spot when all along, I was staring right at a b-hole.
You're such an idiot.
(SIGHS) You two have fun.
Well, uh, i-if that's a threesome proposition, I will never accept without Carol's blessing! And I'm against you doing a twosome with each other, just to be clear! (SIGHS) Sounds to me like you misunderstood something.
She'll get over it, Carol.
They always do.
Okay, so I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've come to a decision.
(SIGHS) I want you to have a baby.
What? You are always gonna want to have kids, and I never will, so, if we're gonna get past this, I'm going to have to compromise.
(LAUGHING): I-I don't know what to say! Well, it's a big decision, so there's a lot of stuff for us to discuss.
(LAUGHING): What's to discuss, hon? Let's do this! Whoa, whoa, easy there.
I'm not having a baby.
- You you just said that - No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is your deal, okay? I'm just gonna be the wife of a guy who has a kid.
I mean, like you said earlier, I don't want to be the mom.
I just want to be the aunt.
Okay, well, I I'm-I'm confused.
(LAUGHING): I mean, there's a serious biological impediment here, you know? Not necessarily.
Thank you so much for taking time out of your day.
- Yeah.
- Um, the reason we are here is that we Well, we have a question for you.
We have a question for you.