The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e17 Episode Script

Barbara Ann

1 Previously on The Last Man On Earth.
- So you're still gonna go.
- I'm jealous of you, Phil! You have a real family.
I've got a blob on a computer screen.
It's not people, but, damn, man.
I got to find that out for myself.
I'm coming with you.
Oh, my God.
ERICA: Hey, Todd.
What's going on? Uh, nothing in-in fact.
You know, j-just, uh, taking a little break.
You know, doing a little wall lean.
- What's that smell? - What smell? The overwhelming one currently in the room.
Oh-oh, that-that smell.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, oh, you know Look, Erica, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I farted.
Yeah, this is one of those weird cases where, you know, you smelt it but I'm the one who dealt it.
You know, it was It's a real axiom buster.
- Yeah.
(EXHALES) - You might want to keep it moving.
You know, 'cause, uh, fart-wise, I got a real packed house in here.
It's, uh, standing room only, you know? Got a real, uh, Deuce Bigelow in the ole staging area.
I-I have a feeling it's gonna continue throughout the day, you know, so you might want to spread the word to the others to just stay away from this room.
You know, till I give the all clear.
- Well, good luck with that.
- (LAUGHS) Don't need luck.
Just time and gravity.
Catch ya later.
Oh, my God.
TANDY AND MIKE: From ev-e-ry Mountainside Let freedom ring.
- (WHOOPS) - (LAUGHS) Yes.
Hey, uh, got you another lemonade, bud.
You did that while you were singing? (LAUGHS) Did what? I'm offering you a refreshing lemonade.
In a root beer can.
With steam coming out of it.
(CHUCKLES) Probably just a packaging mishap.
Well, I'm good for right now.
And, you know, I can always just pull over, let you pee, if you want.
That's not necessary.
Uh, FYI, don't spoil your appetite, 'cause in an hour or so, might be able to rustle up a couple Rolo's for you.
Did Mom and Dad do something to you when you were little? (LAUGHS) I guess, yeah.
(SIGHS) You thinking about it? Yeah.
What? (SIGHS) I just want to remind you what you yourself said to me.
Okay? That the chances of that blob being people are almost nonexistent.
I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Phil, I'm a scientist, okay? I know that data doesn't always provide the desired results.
Look at that.
Friggin' buttload of avocado and orange trees.
- We should stop.
- No, no, no.
Come on.
Let's go.
We'll pick 'em up on the way back.
People are going to go ape dong over this.
- MIKE: Okay, well - TANDY: Yes.
Oh, my God.
No way.
No way! Look at that! Mike.
Your little machine was on to something.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Hey, little fellas.
Hey, what's your names? Oh, my God.
Is this crazy? Yeah, it's amazing.
Look, we gotta keep going, all right? We're only five minutes away from the heat signature.
Come on.
Aren't these your heat signatures? N-No.
No way.
Now come on, let's go.
This is a huge frigging deal.
Okay, in four years, we've found one cow, one bull, one fish, and a few friggin' crickets.
Look, I get it, okay? All right, so we'll just, we'll come back here once we get done doing what we came here to do, all right? What if they're gone? Huh? I just go tell the group, "Oh, yeah, we had a chance to get you a bunch of, you know, fresh milk and-and cheese and yogurt and meat, but we decided to prioritize a frigging heat blob.
" Phil, these guys aren't going anywhere.
Not leaving these goats, Mike.
- (SIGHS) - (GOAT BLEATING) Okay, uh, guys.
Look, I-I I didn't want to tell you this, but then I came to the realization that, well, you know, it'd be unsafe not to.
This morning, as I was working, I came across some, uh (SIGHS) How do I put this? Some, uh murdered corpses hidden in our walls.
- What? - GAIL: No.
- Are you messing with us? - TODD: I-I wish I was.
But that's not it.
There-there's some other stuff back there, you guys should come take a look at.
I can't do it.
Ever since I was a kid, I've had a fear of being scared.
I don't want to see a bunch of dead bodies.
- No.
- TODD: No.
Don't worry.
- I-I took care of that.
- Well, did you get rid of them? Well, uh I did the next best thing.
Oh, what the hell? Well, you know, I thought this would make it less scary.
You know? The-the trick is, don't think of 'em as dead bodies, you know? Think of 'em as, uh, people.
The sequel.
L-Like Teddy here.
I found him with a noose around his neck, hanging from a rafter.
Now he's playing horseshoes, and the son of a gun just got a leaner.
These two I found crammed into a floorboard together.
And look at 'em now.
They're having a spirited arm wrestling session.
Still anybody's game, but my money's on Matthew.
And, finally, we have Jamie.
Found him as a disembodied head with his eyes gouged out.
Look at him now.
He's got his body back, and he's sliding down a frickin' rainbow.
Todd, can you just cut the crap and tell us why we're standing in the middle of this Romanian horror film? Okay.
Just, uh, follow me.
MIKE: Okay, let's just find a boy and a girl and then we got ourselves a goat starter kit and we can go, all right? Okay, I got a girl right here.
But I can't find one with a penis.
Have you seen a penis? No, I'm not seeing any penises over here.
Oh, is that the one behind you Is that a penis strapped on that one? Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah! Right there.
Oh, no, no, no, not a penis.
It's a little clump of goat poop.
You know, it's really weird to me.
I thought you'd be really good at finding penises, since you have to search for yours every time - you take a leak.
- Ha-ha! Very funny.
I'll have you know it's only slightly below below-average.
- Hmm.
- My doctor even said that, in some countries, my size wouldn't even be considered a medical issue, so I guess that's why you sit down to pee, huh? I do that out of comfort, Mike, not out of biological necessity.
Calm down.
I'm just pushing your button.
Yeah, well, I got a button for you to push.
Yeah, I hear it's the size of a button.
- You want to see it? - Yeah, I do.
- You want to see it? - Let me see it.
- Do you want to see it? - Let's go.
Come on.
Yes on the seeing it? Yes.
Okay, maybe, uh, a little later.
You know, wh-when the sun comes out a little more.
I don't know, it's pretty bright, man.
No, no, no, right now's great.
- Yeah.
- Right now works for me.
- Give me one second.
- All right.
There you go.
Oh, there's a penis.
- Oh, right here? - Boom.
Yeah, right? Guy's there it is.
- Just grab him.
He heard us.
- Okay.
Right here, right here.
This is the penis one right here.
- I know, I know, I know.
- Goat penis, goat penis.
- Grab it.
- Come on.
(SCOFFS) Oh, my God.
- What? - (SCOFFS) Oh, my God.
There's got to be millions of dollars here.
TODD: Yeah.
Dollars, pesos, euros, yen.
And there's five times more down the hallway.
Whatever small business these homeowners were running was pretty lucrative.
Is that what I think it is? Yep.
Pure yayo.
Good stuff.
18 bills, farm.
30K, street.
She will take you for a ride, let you walk on the wind, then drop you like a bad trust fall.
Why do you know so much about this? Well, let's just say that the '80s and Gail Klosterman had a love-love relationship.
ERICA: Oh, my God.
Looks almost like the fake grenade paperweight in the lounge.
Okay, so you're gonna turn right just up ahead.
(STAMMERS) About, um, 50 yards.
Turning right.
Okay, now veer left and then just head straight.
Veering to the left.
Veer completed.
Heading straight in progress.
MIKE: And, uh, you should be coming up to a hill, yeah? TANDY: Yeah.
Got eyes on the hill.
Okay, so i-it's just gonna be over this ridge.
Right-right in the valley there.
Oh, hey, a-and go slow, Phil.
All right? W-We don't want to freak anybody out.
Going a friendly, nonaggressive, "nice to meet you" 18 miles an hour.
Good, good, good.
Just a little further.
Just about another 50 yards.
Just a little further.
And stop.
I know how important this was to you.
Maybe it was the goats.
No, it was right here when we pulled up.
Maybe that machine's on a time delay or something.
Doesn't work that way.
We should probably head back.
I'm sure they're waiting for us.
No one's waiting for me.
Can you give me a second? Yeah.
MELISSA: How can we tell if it's real? Okay, everybody just be very still, okay? I mean, the-the key to grenade safety is not to explode it, so - Todd, stop, stop, stop.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Dude, dude! You don't pick it up like that.
I thought the ring was the handle.
That's the jobbie that explodes it, you dolt.
- You know what, I'll do it.
- (SIGHS) Does that feel real? Uh, there's only one way to find out.
- (GASPING, SCREAMING) - Oh, my God! Feels like it was real.
Well, as long as we don't ever go near that room, we should be good.
And there's no way they can, like I don't know activate themselves or No.
As long as we don't pull those pins out, we should be fine.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
(STAMMERS) Sh-Should be fine.
You know what, maybe we should just do a tiny sweep of the rest of the house, just in case.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just in case.
Let's go.
Found this in the laundry closet.
Put it in the cocaine pile.
Okay, so that's 75 bags of cocaine, 23 sticks of dynamite, 16 grenades, 82 normal guns, 36 scary guns and five severed heads.
That's got to be it, right? Think we've checked just about everything I can think of.
CAROL: Well, I could use a little music to jazz up my mood.
(LAUGHS) ERICA: We missed one.
They've put dynamite in the fireplace? I've had dynamite in my fireplace before, and let's just say my chimney will never be the same again.
(PLAYING "THE KNUCKLE SONG" ON THE PIANO) GAIL: Stop! Did anyone check the piano? CAROL: Oh.
Well, that don't look kosher.
(BLEATING) TANDY: I know what you're going through.
You wonder what the point is, why are you still here when everyone else is gone.
And I-I didn't know the answer, you know.
Yeah, it got so bad, I-I didn't want to live anymore.
So I got into my truck, and I was about to drive it into a rock and just end it all.
You know? But then I saw Carol.
I was at my very lowest point.
So, you know, don't give up hope, 'cause one day, maybe you'll get your answer, too.
Okay? Hey, look, hey, your answer might not even be human, you know? And hear me out.
You know, goats are living creatures too, okay? And-and they got something that, say, sex dolls don't have.
It's, like, a, you know, a non-plasticity of-of their Phil don't.
In New Zealand, it's like dating a cousin - as far as the taboo aspect.
- Phil, please.
Okay, and I'm pretty sure the goats would be into it.
Uh, hey, how bad do you guys want to have sex with this dude? (BLEATING) You hear that? Oh, you're in, Mike.
Oh, there he is! There's my brother.
The promise of interspecies sex has brought him back to life.
- (CHUCKLES) - (BLEATING) Ooh, ooh, looks like they're both into it.
Look, okay, you don't want to commit just yet.
You probably need to know what your singing chemistry is like.
Ooh, and I think I have the perfect song.
Okay, don't look.
I'm gonna surprise you with something.
Okay, all set.
Now we just wait for your goat lovers to start us out.
Oh, come on.
Don't get stage fright on me now.
Come on.
(BLEATING) (SINGING ALONG WITH BEACH BOYS): Ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann - Barbara Ann - Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann - Take my hand - Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann (BLEATING) - Barbara Ann - Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann BOTH: You've got me rockin' and a-rollin' Rockin' and a-reelin', Barbara Ann Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann Went to a dance looking for romance Saw Barbara Ann and I thought I'd take a chance, Barbara Ann Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann MIKE: Barbara Ann Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann You've got me rockin' and a-rollin' Rockin' and a-reelin', Barbara Ann Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann.
(WHIRRING) Oh, I hope Tandy doesn't mind us using his little friend.
Oh, he'll just tear the head off some other poor dog and staple it to a toaster or something.
Looks like that thing is wired to the highest key, so hit that, and we'll get our answer.
Just made it to the piano.
Initiating protocol.
Always wanted to say that.
(WHIRRING) Steady, Clancy.
Time to drop the hammer.
That's a B flat.
He's gonna want to hit that high C.
(SINGING HIGH NOTE): Aah! That's what we're shooting for.
Got it.
(WHIRRING) Here goes nothing.
(WHIRRING) (PLAYS NOTE) There she is.
Oh, maybe it's nothing.
- (EXPLOSION) - (SCREAMING) (DEBRIS CLINKING) TANDY: Look, it might take a little while to get used to, but I think this is gonna be really good for you.
Yeah, I'm pretty sick of living in that little tin box back there anyway.
- (BLEATING) - Do me good to get off the computer and actually interact with some human beings.
And you.
Oh, you.
Well, I have a feeling you're gonna be very happy in Zihuatanejo.
Oh, here we are home sweet We're moving.
We're moving.