The League of Gentlemen (1999) s01e03 Episode Script

Nightmare in Royston Vasey

Hello! - Good morning.
- Yes? Sorry to disturb you.
I wondered if I could just pick your brains.
No, you can't! - I have a husband, you know.
- It's just I'm a bit lost.
I'm looking for Royston Vasey, but I can't find it.
Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines! Yeah.
- What do they mean? - They're the roads.
- They connect you with other places.
- Local places? Well No.
Aaahhh! Aaahhh! Hello, hello, Tubbs.
What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
Tubbs have nightmare about new road.
How many more times, Tubbs? This is a local shop.
Mm? For local people.
The strangers cannot force a road upon us, they simply would not dare.
Put it from your mind.
Edward! He's hardly touched his lettuce in weeks, Mr Chinnery.
Hello.
Hmm He does look a little peaky.
Ah, yes It's a form of pernicious anaemia which affects the chelonian family.
If we had more time, I'd suggest an iron rich diet, but it's quite serious.
Oh dear.
The best thing we can do is to oxygenate his blood immediately.
- What's that? - Compressed air.
Basically, a short concentrated blast should perk him up a bit.
I'lljust put this funnel over his little head, and I wonder if you'd be so good as to twist that little knob there.
That's it.
A little bit more, Mrs Rains.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
And a little bit more.
We can afford to be quite bold.
Was he very old? He offered me a C cup or a D cup, but I don't think with my shoulders a C would look owt on me.
Besides, I want something in French silk, something expensive.
I find that nylon chafes me nipples, you know.
- Morning, Uncle Harvey.
- Morning.
- Morning, Auntie Val.
- Morning.
Please join us at table.
We haven't broken our fast yet, we've been waiting for you.
Yes, we've been waiting since 6.
15, actually.
In this house we usually rise at a reasonable hour.
When you said I could get up when I liked, I thought it would be all right.
It's not a problem, Benjamin.
Don't make an issue of it.
Still haven't met Martin.
I'm a bit stuck.
Maybe people get up this late in your house, I don't know.
We like to think of the morning as the better part of the day.
Perhaps you're a naturally slothful person.
Sluggish and indolent.
A dawdling flâneur, content to waste his life spread-eagled on pillows, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.
- I just don't know.
- It's only quarter past nine.
A third of the morning has gone, dissolved into the ether.
- Yes, but - Never mind.
Never mind.
I don't know about you, Benjamin, but we start the morning with a glass of aqua vita.
Care to join us? Yes, mineral water will be fine.
Ha, ha, ha! No, no, not mineral water.
- Aqua vita.
Aqua vita.
- Water of life.
It's a perfect way to set up your body for the day.
Full of nitrates and enzymes - a natural antibiotic.
Auntie Val will fetch you a glass.
You can fill it now, if you like.
- Sorry? - Fill it with your own feculence.
- Fill it? - Micturate, Benjamin.
Micturate.
Pass water.
You want me to piss into a glass? It's an aid to digestion and so good for the skin.
Come on, on your feet.
One mustn't be ashamed of one's bodily functions.
- I don't think I want to.
- Let's get the fireman out.
Now, if you'd like to place the glass thusly.
All you have to do is let yourself go.
In this house we think of a dripping tap or a babbling brook.
- Just let it flow.
- I can't! - Do you want a bigger glass? - No.
It's got nothing to do with the size, I don't want to.
Oh dear.
Benjamin thinks there's something odd in drinking one's own peewee.
- Something unnatural.
- Yes, I do.
There are precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise.
My toads, for example, consume almost three times their own volume in urine every day.
Perhaps you will not return in his wisdom.
What's good enough for him is not so for you.
Father toad has been on this earth since the dawn of time.
Millions of years before man saw fit to scratch out the back of their latrines.
He and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own petty species So join me then, and drink, so we may become more like him and his batrachian friends.
Or would you prefer tea? Two pound fifty, please, for the roundabout zoo.
Just two pounds fifty, please.
Two pound fifty, the roundabout.
- Thanks, mate.
- But you get a sticker.
- Ha, ha, ha! All right, Samuel? - Hilary.
These road fellers aren't wasting much time, are they? Are you still on for this afternoon? I've booked the table for one.
I'll be there.
- Oh, and Morris - Aye.
I've had a special delivery.
No, Hilary.
I've told you.
I'm not interested.
He'll come round.
BARBARA: I even thought about going to Casablanca to have it done, but I'd have been butchered.
It happened to a friend of mine - Julia.
Besides, I'm not supposed to fly after the implants.
There's a danger of the bust imploding.
All right, Barbara? PAULINE: Okey, cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, job seekers! Now then.
It's been brought to my attention that certain of the gents on me restart have been taking the pens home.
Mmm! Stealing the pens, Pauline's pens.
So I warn you now.
If it happens again, I shall start chaining them to the tables.
And the pens.
That was a joke, Ross.
Don't crack your face, will you.
Now then, job seekers.
We're thinking today Do you remember about interview technique? What I want to do first is a little role play, so if you want to make some space.
Come on, chop, chop! When are we going to get on to the computers and learn about spreadsheets, databases, something practical? Piss off, Ross.
Right.
Thank you, job seekers.
Now then.
In this role play I am going to be playing an employer, and I'm interviewing Mickey here for a job.
- What job? - Shoving trolleys at Asda car park.
I know it's out of your league, but we're only playing.
So, come on.
I want to see you really sell yourself.
- My name is Mickey.
- Oh, good morning, Mr Mickey.
Can you tell me what was your last job? Milk monitor.
What qualifications do you have? I'm a good swimmer.
Aha And what other work have you done apart from milk monitor? - Bugger all.
- Language, Mickey.
- What? - Watch your language.
- English! - No, watch Never mind.
Thank you, we'll let you know.
- Did I win? - You did super.
Right.
Thank you, Mickey.
That was a perfect example, everybody, of how notto conduct yourself at interview.
He slouched, he swore.
He came across as a man who had shit for brains, didn't you, cherub? Right, job seekers.
What I'm going to do is, I'm going to show you the right way.
Mmm? I want someone in this room to interview me.
Any takers? - Well, you disappoint me.
- I'll do it.
Ross.
Well, thank you very much.
In your own time.
Could I have the clipboard please, Pauline? Yeah, you can.
And the pen? Be very careful with it.
- Oh, I feel all naked.
- I'm glad you're not.
In your own time.
The door was already open.
- Would you like to take a seat? - Yes, I'm sorry.
Ross is quite right.
You're in the driving seat now.
I know.
- I'm getting these, Mike.
- Thank you, Geoff.
- Have you set a date yet, Mike? - Cheryl's got to speak to her parents.
- But it's going to be quite soon.
- Quick, or these will get in before us.
Right.
Pint please, Geoff.
- Brian? - Just a coke, Geoff.
- Eh? - Yeah, lager.
- Will you have a church do, or? - To be honest Never mind all that.
That's the woman's job.
- You've got to sort out your best man.
- I haven't thought that far ahead.
It's got to be one of us two, you haven't got any other friends.
Thank you very much.
- We'll have to draw straws for it.
- Eh? We'll have to draw straws or toss a coin.
You've got it all planned out, have you? Keep your nose out, then.
Mike's my friend more than yours, aren't you, Mike? It's not a lot in it to be honest, Geoff.
Brian said Cheryl looks like a moose.
He said: "I can't believe he's marrying that old moose.
" I never said that, Mike.
Geoff did.
No, I said she looked about hundred years old, I didn't say like a moose.
Oh, Geoff.
You idiot.
You're right, Brian.
We will have to toss for it.
Tubbs.
Tubbs? Tubbs! "London.
" London.
London.
Give it to me, Tubbs.
No! You lied to me, Edward! You lied to me! There is a Swansea.
- Nonsense! - And other places too.
You kept them from me.
Yes, I kept them from you to keep you clean and pure and local.
- What about new road? - What about it? When new road comes, we can see these places.
We can go.
Go where? Plymouth.
I'm going to stop your road, Tubbs.
Once and for all.
- Yes, pal.
Can I help? - I'm just browsing.
- Sorry, chief.
Didn't catch that.
- I'm just looking around.
Straight out the door, turn right up the high street.
- Sorry? - That's the way to the bloody library.
- Isn't this the joke shop? - Plastic tits in the window, a jar of fart sweets on the counter.
No, mate.
It's the bloody butchers.
Yes, this is the joke shop, shop being the key word.
If you're here to laugh at the bumper stickers and the wind-up willies you can sod off.
No, I am going to make a purchase.
Well Whoopy shit.
Stag night, is it? Stag night coming up, want something saucy? Come here.
I've got just the thing.
- Look.
- What is it? Put in the groom's undies the night before the wedding.
Gives him crabs.
Ha, ha, ha! Bloody crab's eggs, innit.
Hatch in his bush overnight, next day he's stood at the altar, scratching his jewels, 'cause they're crawling with bleeding crabs.
Four pound fifty.
All right, four quid.
No, no, I'm looking for something more specific.
- What about these? - What are they? Hot sweets.
Give them to the best man before he makes his speech.
What's in them? Pepper? Potassium.
Burns all of his mouth off, and his tongue.
Never talk again.
No, no.
It's not the kind of thing I'm after.
Hold your horses, squire.
I know I've got something for you.
What about this? Couple of drops in the bride's champagne, she'll piss herself.
- What's so funny about it? - It don't make her laugh.
She pisses herself.
It's a sort of muscle relaxant.
A mate works for a drugs company, he knocks it up himself.
16 quid.
Put your hand in there.
- What's in it? - Go on, it ain't going to bite you.
- No, thanks.
- Put your hand in.
I don't want to.
You're not leaving this shop 'til you do.
I'm not joking.
You're not leaving 'til you put your hand in the tube.
- Please! - Put your hand in! - It's not switched on.
- Ahhh! Ha, ha, ha! It's good that, innit? Runs on a car battery, you can't buy them.
Jesus.
Some people ain't got no sense of humour.
Yes, pal.
Can I help you? Stag night, is it? Yeah.
And lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he finally saw the true light, the way unto the Lord.
At least that's what it says here.
Lord, I am tired.
Well, so much for the road to Damascus.
What about the road to Royston Vasey we're finally getting.
Hallelujah! Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Loopy, those soap dodging road protestors driving round in their converted ice-cream vans, pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, pierced tongues.
They'd have their arse-holes pierced if they got the cheeks into the machine.
If I had my way, I'd shepherd them all into one of their tunnels, knock out the pit props and see how they like being close to the earth then.
I welcome this road, every blast of carbon monoxide it brings.
If God meant us to walk everywhere he wouldn't give us Little Chefs.
Hymn number 143.
"Drive Them Unto Me, Thy Saviour".
Shot, Hilary.
It's long since my championship days, but I've not lost my touch.
It's good to see all this activity on the road front, isn't it? Makes quite a change, someone listening to the small businessman.
Not before time, Morris.
Not before time.
Thought anymore about what I said? Hilary Not here, not now.
Now is as good a time as any.
For God's sake, Hilary.
I'm a magistrate.
So what? There are all sorts on my list.
Ex-mayors, chief constables.
I'm not interested.
Go on.
Give it a go.
Hilary, put it away.
Please! I'm not touching it.
It's yours.
Hilary! Wasn't so difficult, was it? Tell you what? That one's on me.
Just let me know how you get on.
Ha, ha, ha! And you're interested in the trolley job? That's right, I'm very interested, yes.
I feel that my ability to work well as part of a team, and yet take individual responsibility, are important factors in a job of this nature.
- What work experience do you have? - I left school early - So you didn't go to college? - No, I've had work experience - So you have no qualifications.
- 20 years in the Employment Service.
I'm talking about academic achievement.
Degrees, diplomas.
Come off it, Ross.
Shoving a trolley round ASDA car park, a frigging monkey could do it.
Would you say you're a fairly egregious person? - What? - Are you an egregious person? Do you have an egregious personality? Umm Yeah, I do, yeah.
I'll say some other words.
Reply with the first thing you think about.
- Home.
- Royston Vasey.
- Family.
- Dead.
- Friends.
- Pens.
- No, friends.
- Pens.
Best friends you can have.
Everything I know about people I've learned from pens.
If they don't work, you shake them.
If they still don't work, you chuck them away.
Bin them! Really? - Work.
- My work is everything to me.
- Love.
- No.
- Somebody once.
- Can I get your age? - That's a lady's prerogative.
- For the records.
Let's just say I'm as old as me gums - How old are you? - 48! Thank you very much, when do I start? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't offer you this position.
- You what? - You failed the interview.
You strike me as a bully.
You're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul mouthed.
You're not qualified for this job, and apart from anything else You're too old.
Miss.
Sorry.
But I can Good! Thank you very much.
Ross handled that situation very well.
Can I have me things back? Although it made me wonder how he'd handle a situation more like this.
I'm a bully, am I? Foul fucking mouthed? You'll eat those words.
Egregious, egregious! Stop it, Pauline! Stop it, you nutter! Oh, Mickey.
What is egregious? (BABY CRIES) Quiet! (KNOCKING ON THE DOOR) Hello? (KNOCKING CONTINUES) Who is it? Mike.
It's me, Geoff.
What do you want, Geoff.
? - What are you doing? - I'm on the toilet.
Haven't got Brian in there, have you? What? Look, I've come to apologise.
I've brung you an engagement present.
I'm really sorry for what I said.
(FLUSHING) I'm happy for you, I love that Cheryl.
I don't fancy her, she's really old looking.
You do, and that's the point.
So If you need anyone in the future, maybe Yes, Geoff.
- What? - Yes, you can be my best man.
Yes, I can't wait to tell Brian! All right, all right.
So what's this present you've got me then? Oh, yeah.
Put your hand in there.
Stop the machine! (WALKIE-TALKIE) Take her up! What the hell is that?