The League of Gentlemen (1999) s02e05 Episode Script

Anarchy in Royston Vasey

I don't understand it.
Where is everybody? Dunno.
Maybe some mystery virus has killed everyone off.
Don't be so stupid, Mickey, love.
Will you stop eating my Restart course, please? You've already had those housing benefit forms.
- I'm starving.
- So I see! You'll eat my pens next! This is all your fault.
We've been here for days and no one's even noticed you've gone.
Some hostage you turned out to be.
Pathetic! Pauline, please let me go.
I won't press charges.
You can go to prison.
Oh, do I look like Diedre Rashid? Yes.
I'll let you go when I've got my job back and not before.
- Fire engine.
- Shut up.
- Can you get me something to eat? - I've only got me CV.
That won't feed the 5,000! What's it on? A frigging raffle ticket? If I die of starvation, you'll never get your job back! All right! All right! I'll go to the nibble box for sandwiches.
- Tuna.
- You'll get what you're given.
I'm going in disguise in case there's any pigs about.
Watch him like a hawk.
Come on, Brian! Help me with this! - We've got to get help.
- Oh, good idea (!) How are you going to explain that? It's more than a nosebleed! It was an accident.
We thought it was the enemy.
Grow up or I'll break your other leg! I am a murderer and you're my accomplice.
- No, I'm not! - You are! You didn't run at him with a stick and smash his brains in, but Wait.
You're not wearing a wire? What? Aagh! Get off me! Oh, Geoff, what are we going to do? We're going to bury him.
So it looks like a wolf did it.
Then we say last time we saw him was when he went off looking for help.
Get digging or I'll put you in there too! That's it, Brian.
Team spirit.
Mike would have liked that.
Edward? What is this place? Who are all these strangers? Concentrate, Tubbs.
We're here to find a bride for David.
- That one.
- Too old.
- That one.
- That's a tail.
Is it? You can't tell these days.
Get down, Tubbs.
Remember what I told you.
- Do you need a hand, love? - Oh, thank you.
Most kind.
I was in a war.
- I take it you are local? - Oh, yeah.
Now! Did the plan work, Edward? Sorry, ladies.
I'm cleaned out.
Until the quarantine's lifted, it's fishfingers.
Haven't you heard, Maurice? I've nothing left.
I'm not interested in pork chops, Hilary Briss.
I want to talk to you.
- Health inspectors are around.
- Pull yourself together, Maurice.
Why should that bother me? Well, could all this be to do with the special stuff? No, it couldn't.
But how do you know, Hilary? Who can tell what this might be doing to us! You listen to me, Maurice Evans.
You know that I have a very select clientele.
How many people have you seen with nosebleeds? Dozens! Today at the post office.
Mrs Sprague and the daughter.
Women! Children! You know who's on my list.
Whatever this is, there's no link to this counter, above or below it.
Your health inspectors will find nothing.
What's this? Taste it.
Where did you get this? Your Eunice.
Ask yourselves this.
If I were going to steal it, where would I conceal it? I guarantee you'll start to spot them a mile away.
I was in bedding the other day.
Not glassware, not electricals - bedding.
And I spot a heavily-pregnant woman pushing a baby along in a pram.
Alarm bells ringing.
Be very wary of prams.
Prams have got compartments, got babies in them.
There's an embarrassment factor in asking to rifle through a pram.
You'll disturb baby.
What if baby isn't a baby? What if baby is a 12-piece Queen Anne breakfast set, retail price £24.
99? Chalk it up.
Mum politely escorted to the manager's office, powers-that-be notified.
Has she got a lawyer? She better have have had.
The amusing epilogue is the woman in question later miscarried.
Chalk it up.
Same with our disabled friends.
Be very wary of wheelchairs.
You don't like to ask Mr Smith if he'd mind shifting his weight whilst you look at what he's sitting on, because nine times out of ten, it'll be a checked blanket.
You do it often enough, you will find a book or a plate or a game.
Chalk 'em up.
You'll be asked many times, "What makes a good store detective??" Well, I would suggest a certain amount of it is arrogance.
You will not have any friends.
Mum and Dad will not be proud of you.
You will be suspicious of everyone you meet.
Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness? It is thus.
Thus it has always been, and ever thus should it have ever been thus.
In the past 15 years, I have saved Binns - or Hammonds, as it is now - Superstore the princely sum of £303.
Chalk it up.
In my private life, I have prevented acts of fraud nearly eight times.
Nearly because I was once given too much change in a charity shop, but I was already off the premises and, legally, that money was mine! A very good friend once said to me - she's a very good store detective - she said being a store detective is like standing up at the wedding when they ask, "Is there any reason why they should not be married??" No one likes doing it.
I didn't like doing it - not to my own brother.
But no one likes a cheat.
It's like the sign says, "Shoplifters will be prosecuted".
(CLANGING) Shit! Hokey cokey, pig in a pokey.
My God, you will not believe what's going on out there! "Dear Pauline, I tried to do what you said, "but Ross said he could get me the fire engine, so I let him go.
"Then he hit me and ran away.
"I realise now it was a trick, "but I was too ashamed to stay.
"Good luck with the rest of the segi " He means siege.
"I hope you get your job back.
Love from Mickey.
You can have my sandwich.
" Excuse me, miss.
Do you mind if I have a word? (ROCK SONG: "VOODOO LADY") Voodoo yeah Voodoo lady And the chill you gave me I beseech you From Satan save me No one knows the secret of the black magic atom bomb Voodoo lady I don't mean maybe Choo choo hey hey Black magic child! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We've been Creme Brulee and you've been fantastic.
Yes, mate? - Tony.
- Yeah? Les.
Oh, right, yeah.
There you go, mate.
To Les, all the best, Tony Cluedo.
Cheers, pal.
No, mate.
Rhythm guitar.
My God! Les McDougal! - McQueen.
- McQueen.
Hey! We did try to get in touch with you, but you know - No one had your new number.
- I've not moved.
Yeah? Well, how have you been? Oh, not so bad.
I just saw the advert and thought I'd pop along.
I'm leaving the country soon, actually.
Got my eye on a goldmine in Lanzarote.
English sports bar.
- That'll be dear.
- I've got my redundancy.
To tell you the truth, mate, you're best out of it.
We did have a comeback planned, but the backing fell through.
- Backing? - They promised us 50 big ones.
50 quid? I can give you that now.
No, mate.
50 grand.
Oh, yeah.
It's a shame, mind.
We were all fired up, you know? Bob and Patch are writing again.
- No? - Yeah.
They've got one fantastic new reggae number - Jamaican Ginger Cake.
- Hey! - What? My redundancy.
What if I were to invest it in the band? Don't be silly, Les.
I'm dead serious, Tony.
It's out of the question, pal.
Why? It's what I've always wanted - the band back together.
Friend of our kid's - Asian lad - has got his own studio.
There's samplings, electric drum loops.
He could do a dub version of all our singles, like Jive Bunny.
- Oh, Les.
- Or like Smokey with Chubby Brown.
"Who the Bleep Is Alice??" It's too much to ask, pal.
Please! Well it could be good again, couldn't it? Eh? The old line-up back together.
First time since Cheggers Plays Pop.
OK, we could move on this.
I've got a mate at The Chronicle.
We could have a press conference this afternoon.
Give us an hour, I'll be back here with the cash.
OK, then! Hey, Creme Brulee is back.
Just like the old times.
Fantastic! Yeah.
It's a great business, isn't it? - Ah, Justin! Everything in ordnung? - Yes, thanks.
How is your mutti? A bit better.
She'll appreciate the flowers.
Oh, no.
These are for you.
Oh Are you sure you don't want me to cancel the party tonight? No, it's your last night, I don't want to spoil it.
But if you could organise everybody? Alles klar.
You put yourself in my fist, Justin.
Ah, our carriage awaits.
(BARBARA) Where to, gents? - Church Walk, please.
- Right.
I wish they'd find what's causing it.
The doctors seem clueless.
(BARBARA) Don't talk to me about doctors.
I ordered a vagina with a depth of eight inches.
What are you doing? I'm making him a cross.
Put a sign on the back saying, "Body buried here"! They'll find him anyway! And when they do, we say the wolves did it! - It happened in Australia.
- Not to a man! Yes, but they proved in a court that woman was He's alive.
Oh, Geoff, thank God, he's alive.
Quick, get him out.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait! - Let's just think about this.
- What's to think about? How are we going to explain this? - He's alive! - He won't be in a minute.
It's easier, Brian.
We've already killed him once.
- No! - It's all right for you! You made him a cross! He'll like that! I'm the one that hit him.
What am I going to get? Sacked! I'm not having it, Brian.
No! Wolves did it! - Is it safe? - I think so.
I gave the boy a pill.
He won't awaken till our return from the toad club.
Come along.
The girls await us in the car.
"Dear All, Uncle Harvey and Aunt Val are so wonderful, "I 'm going to stay for at least five years.
"Love, Benjamin.
" Oh, God! We've got a no-tail! We've got a no-tail! - Can I see her now, Edward? - All in good time, Tubbs.
We expanded by 17% in the first quarter alone, and that was before any advertising appeared in the press.
People say, what is the future for plastics? I say the future Have we missed the cakes? Can I help you, pal? I'm here for the press conference.
- Press conference? - Creme Brulee reunion.
Griffin Hotel.
No, this is 68.
There's a 70.
No 68A.
Do you know Tony Cluedo? Nope.
But I gave him all We arranged - Is there something round the back? - Yeah.
- Right.
- A Fiesta with its engine fucked.
Are you OK, mate? Yeah.
I understand.
Close your eyes, Edward.
I'm coming in! Oh, Tubbs, we don't have time for games.
The no-tail will be awake! Da-da! (SHE HUMS THE WEDDING MARCH) - Tubbs! - I found it up in the attic.
The no-tail could wear it for the wedding.
Wedding? Yes.
We're going to have the night do down here, - and the day do in the - Tubbs! The young of today hold no store in the sanctity of marriage.
They live in sin, rutting like beasts between filthy sheets! Well, not in this shop! David's not to lay a claw on that no-tail until they are married.
Oh, please, Edward.
Very well, but we must be careful.
We don't want her to suffocate like the last three.
Ah, Justin! You are just in time, Justin.
Make yourself at house.
Someone to drink? - Herr Lipp? - Mmm? Where's everybody else? - Else? - You said we were having a party.
We are having a party.
Sit down.
Some of the silly boys and girls have gone to Flick Flacks, which is the only disco in Royston Vasey, but I thought that with your mutti being in the hospice with nosepeeps, that you would rather stay zu Hause.
Besides, you know tomorrow I must leave for Duisberg.
I know.
It's come round quick.
Ah, Justin, you are kind, but you must not squirt your face over me, for who knows, sometimes I might be coming back to England.
- Have you ever been to London? - Sure.
- In my youth.
- Was it good? It was quite good, so There are many similars and many differences.
In London, you have fish and chips.
In Duisberg, we have Duisberg cake.
In London, you have Soho.
In Duisberg, we have the Duisberg Café.
And in London, you have the Queen, whereas in Duisberg Alles klar? Justin there is something I wanted to say to you.
- Oh? - Ja.
- Was ist hier los? - Lotti! Was machst du hier in England? Sie wissen.
- Was meinst du? - Was passiert hier? Nichts passiert.
Ich spreche nur mit einem meiner Jungen.
- Deine Jungen? - Ja, meine Jungen! - Ich bin verantwortlich für sie! - Alles klar.
- Lotti - Alles klar! - Was meinst du "alles klar"? - Derby, Ipswich, Reading, Wood Green Nein.
Jetzt musst du gehen.
Geh jetzt, bevor es zu spät ist.
Ich heisse Justin.
ICK vohne in Royston Vasey.
Dis a kann kein Deutsch.
Er ist MEINE Junge.
Dann Gott helf ihm.
- Raus, Lotti, raus! - Ich komme zurück.
- Raus! - Mit dem Polizei! Raus! I'm sorry about that, Justin.
I think now we will have some coffee, ja? We've been naughty boys to drink so much wine.
Who was she? - That was Lotti.
My wife.
- Your wife? She is the name of my wife, but not in fuck.
It was a mistake.
Was soll ich sagen? - I can't believe you're married.
- There's something I must tell you.
You'll be quite surprised, but er I am a queen, Justin.
No? Sometimes I think I am the only queen in Duisberg.
Oh, sure, in Bochum oder Weisbaden you can get a boy for 30 marks or maybe nothing, but in Duisberg This is why I married Lotti.
Well, I really ought to make a move.
Oh, Justin.
My Justin.
My very own Justin.
It has been a great pleasure for me to come to Royston Vasey.
A real good treat.
For too long now, I have been, um Ah, wie sagt man auf Englisch.
I have been allein.
Ganz allein.
I told Dieter I'd meet him.
- He knows where I am.
- Oh, sure.
Go to Flick Flacks, have good fun, make love, but first I hope you will try some nice Duisberg Kaffee.
I made her specially for you.
- No, I really have to go.
- Just one sip.
- Thanks, but I told Dieter I - Please! No! I'm sorry.
I'm going to leave now.
Justin! Oh, Wolf! Nicht ein ander? Halt die Klappe, Lotti.
Please! Halt die Klappe.
Now Fetch me a spade.
- She is pretty, isn't she? - Yes.
- And she's got a good figure? - Yes.
A good full figure.
And you're sure she's local? Yes.
She's a pretty local no-tail with a good figure and the voice of an angel.
See for yourself.
Bloody hell, it stinks in here! What kind of petrol do you call this? She's done what?! I'm so sorry, Hilary.
I didn't realise till it was too late.
She had it stored in the freezer.
She's been cutting it with her own paste.
You silly bastard.
She's got the whole town eating it.
A pure supply is one thing but to cut it! - What can we do? - I'm thinking.
- Half of Royston Vasey had it! - We're all at risk.
Not quite all of us.
What do you mean? It's like I've always said, Samuel.
I'm a businessman.
I've a shelf full of black pudding out there, but I don't care for it.
You mean? You don't eat the special stuff? Somebody has to stay in control.