The League of Gentlemen (1999) s03e06 Episode Script

How the Elephant Got Its Trunk

("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME) (HUMS TUNELESSLY) (LAUGHS) Top banana! (SHRIEKS) - Vinnie! - I'm doing the games! Never mind the games, dear.
We've lost a bag! - What? - We've lost a bag.
I was upstairs doing the bags, a gust of wind comes along - and - whoosh! - it's gone! - The bag? Whoosh! Somebody must have left the window open.
(BOTH) That Meryl! - What bag was it? - It was pink, I think.
- It's shook me right up.
- Are you thirsty? - No, I don't do Thursdays.
- No, dear.
Thirsty.
Thirsty.
- All right! No need to be rude.
- I'm not being rude.
You are.
Ooh, I've got stitch.
Anyway, how you getting on with the games? All right.
I've put the top hat from Monopoly in Mouse Trap, I've put the cage from Mouse Trap in Cluedo, and I've stuck Professor Plum in Colditz! - (BOTH CACKLE) - That'll show 'em.
- What about the rules? - All in here.
I'll come early tomorrow, dear, and help with the jigsaws.
- What? A piece out of each? - Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
(CACKLES) Oh! Oh! Reenie! There's the bag! (SQUISH) Silly old bag (CROAKS) Vinnie! Vinnie, we've got some stuff! Clothes, is it? Yeah, it's clothes, dear.
You wanna come and have a look.
Nice big bag as well.
Now, what have we got here? Ooh, some gloves.
Some gloves, dear.
Got to get a few pence for these.
What else? Ooh, a dress! You'd like this dress, Vinnie.
Few holes in it, though.
Now, then.
What's this in 'ere? Teeth! Never had teeth before.
Old woman's teeth, Vinnie! Old woman's teeth.
And a hat.
One of those hats that you Hatteeth .
.
dress, gloves Oh, Vinnie! Oh, Vinnie! It's all good stuff, dear.
It's all good stuff.
(SOBS) They call 'em Disney Classics.
Some aren't even a year old.
Shelley, come here.
Tell our new projectionist which is the best dog cartoon.
(ORIENTAL ACCENT) I say "Fox and Hound".
- Tell 'im, Shelley.
- "All Dogs Go to Heaven".
Thank you.
"All Dogs Go to Heaven.
" Don Bluth, 1989.
It piddles over your "Fox and Hound".
- But it's good film.
- It's all right.
"All Dogs" has Burt Reynolds.
You've got Mickey bloomin' Rooney.
I rest my cause.
- I need a word - You see, there's nothing you can tell me about dog films.
People used to say, "Kenny, a dog cinema? You're crackers!" "Where's the variety??" I'll give you flickin' variety.
Just off the top of me 'ead - "Look Who's Talking Now", "Beethoven's Second", "Zoltan, Hound of Dracula".
As a triple bill, that'd be up there with the "Godfather"s.
- How many were in last Sunday? - 37.
A double bill.
"The Shaggy Dog", "The Shaggy DA".
I saw lads wi' shaven heads pissing themselves laughing.
- Boss - 1976 and fresh as a daisy.
Boss, I've got some news.
What? Don't say they've let me down on "Cujo".
- No.
- Thank God for that.
I've got a party of goths coming from Leeds.
- It's Dougal Siepp.
- You what? He's back.
(DOG HOWLS) Here we go.
Now, then This is where you stand, Keith.
- (CAMP VOICE) Right.
- I'll be doing the bags.
Did you have bags at the Spastics', dear? We did, but it's called Scope now.
- What's that? - You said Spastics'.
- They're Scope.
- Oh! Vinnie! No.
So did you work with many bags at the Scope, dear? One or two.
Speaking of bags, I brought in some stuff.
- Charity begins at home.
- Lovely.
Good stuff, is it? It's costume jewellery from my am-dram days.
I fell out with the costume designer, but aren't these so right for Banquo? - Excuse me? - Yes, dear.
I bought this games compendium last week.
- There's a few pieces missing.
- I'll be upstairs, dear.
Keep the bag.
- Sorry, you were saying? - There's some draughts missing.
I've got these buttons from "The Diary of Anne Frank".
I snipped them off a Nazi.
They're quite a good match.
- What else? - A counter for Connect Four.
Hmm Tricky.
My ruby brooch should slip down your crack.
OK Yeah, and I'm also missing a black queen.
There's no answer to that, is there? - Use this thimble.
- Thanks very much.
- You've been very helpful.
- Not at all.
See you again.
I'm just glad he had a full set of tiddlywinks.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Keith Drop.
Hello, Eve.
How are the costumes? Right.
Oh, you're joking? Tonsillitis? So who can we get to play the Nazi? (SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY) Wherez this Anne Fraaa?! Ah'm a Nazi!! I gunna keel you, Anne Fraaank!! Good eve (BAD AMERICAN ACCENT) Good afternoon.
My name is Dean Tavalouris.
I'm about to go out onto the streets of Royston Vasey doing my magic and all my tricks.
(WOMAN) Dean, have you fed them fish? Mam! I'm doin' me programme! The power of the human mind, madam! The power of the human mind, sir? The power of the human mind, sir? - Eh? - I'm here in Royston Vasey doing magic for my programme.
Is he talkin' to us.
Tell him no.
These are my friends, all 52 of them.
Look, Frank.
- Is this for the telly? - Yes.
It's on in the fall.
Now, look at these.
All normal, nowt wrong with 'em.
Right.
'Ere, hold me bag.
Now, pick a card, is it? You won't know it.
I thought this up.
- Hurry up.
It's freezation.
- Thank you, my friend.
Now take a look at this.
Eh, our Jack's got one of these.
It's an Instamatic.
Careful! That cost loads.
I said I'd get those Hoover bags.
Oh, aye! Look who it is! All right, Frank.
It's not getting any warmer, is it? Excuse me.
This is a magic camera.
It sees all the thoughts within your 'ead.
(CLICKS AND WHIRRS) - What's all this, then? - He's doing a conjuring trick.
Oh, aye? Do I have to pick a card? No, I've already done that.
Now They look nice, them parsnips.
- Have you tried Binns? - It's Hammonds now.
- Was this your selection? - Eh? Your card.
Was this your card? Sorry, son.
I can't remember.
Was your card the card in the picture? I couldn't tell you, son.
I honestly couldn't say.
- Did you see it? - Come on, Frank.
It's bitter.
You take a good picture, Frank.
What is wrong with people round here? What is wrong with people?! Here we are.
Two teas.
Ooh, thanks.
I'm spitting feathers.
Now, how you getting on with the book? All right.
I did it in pencil like you said.
- Now I'm going over it in pen.
- That's right.
Nice and bold.
Bold and blue! I'll be upstairs if you need me, dear.
Right.
(DOOR JANGLES) Hello.
Sorry to bother you again.
- We're just closing, actually.
- It won't take long.
- It's just about this brooch.
- Oh, didn't it fit? It's not that.
I wanted to ask where it came from.
- In there.
- No, I mean originally.
I don't know.
I've just started working here, I'm afraid.
I was under the impression these items were yours.
Yes, well, some of them are.
Let's have a look at it.
You see, my wife had a brooch just like that.
- They're very common.
- Yes, but she was wearing it when she went missing.
Look, in this photograph.
She's been missing ten months now.
They are very similar, but I'm afraid I can't help you.
May I look through the box? Go ahead.
I'll just be a minute gathering my things.
How long has she been missing now? Ten months.
A lot of women went missing in this area.
Around the time this circus came to town (GROWLS) She's my wife! Now, what the bloody hell's goin' on? Dougal Siepp was the assistant manager.
He persuaded Mr Harris to branch out into cat films.
I was a bloody fool.
Cat films are shit.
- What about "That Darn Cat"? - Oh, fuck off.
There's not the variety in felines.
But Siepp was a stubborn sod.
He wouldn't give way.
Then the rot spread.
Films with tenuous links.
He tried to persuade me to put on "Pet Sematary".
I said, "We've got a rule.
The mutt's the star.
" - What does it say outside? - Dog Cinema.
Thank you.
Tell him what was the last straw.
Mr Harris was in hospital.
With bowel cancer.
Thank God they caught it early.
I come out, what were he showing? - "Rock-A-Doodle".
- "Rock-A-Flickin'-Doodle"! I went apeshit.
I screamed at him, "Dougal Siepp, that movie is about a chicken that sings.
"You know what's behind this venture.
Clear your desk, "get your Garfield and get out.
" - Audiences were down 40%.
- We've clawed our way back.
I've had an article about me in the "Winnipeg Post".
Canada.
Think about that.
And it's not 'cause we show films about chickens.
Someone tell me what's going on! - Where's Keith? - There is no Keith.
- Look at this.
- So, who's this Papa Lazarus? Papa Lazarou.
I wish I knew.
He came here last year with that circus.
Wait a minute.
I've got a poster for that somewhere.
- Is this it, dear? - Yes! That's the one.
Now, where is she? Where's my wife? You better talk, you bastard, or I'll call the police! - No need to be rude, dear! - Talk! - Kunjar! - What's he say? (SHOUTS GIBBERISH) - He's just toying with us.
- She speaks French, Meryl.
- Meryl! - Do you know her? - She ran off with a black man.
- Quando siliabo catnip, catnip! - Let's get the police.
- # Meinhor dria drieken Drieken dria meinhor Where's Siepp? (CAT SNARLS) Kenny Harris.
As I live and breathe.
- (DOG GROWLS) - (CAT SNARLS) Here we go.
What is it? 999, is it? Wait.
Let's think about this.
He'll never talk to the police.
I might not see my wife again.
What, then? You're not leaving him here.
- I've got to do the book! - He has to lead us to her.
I know.
Take him some food up on a tray.
Ooh! What did your last slave die of? - Leave him a knife and fork.
- Hang on! If we leave him a knife, he'll escape.
Exactly.
We let him escape, then we follow him.
You better be quick.
"Countdown" is on in half an hour.
(MIAOWING) Are you not out of business yet, Kenneth? Quit carping, Siepp.
We do video and DVD rental now.
- Know what my biggest title is? - I'm sure you'll tell me.
"Digby".
"Digby - the Biggest Dog in the World.
" What did you say about it? Can you remember? Funnily enoughno.
That it were dated and no one would want to see it.
17 rentals in 22 weeks.
Explain that.
Fortunate you're here, Harris.
Just in time for the unveiling.
Mr Griffin, would you oblige? - Bloody Nora! - (ORIENTAL EXCLAMATION) Bastard's gone live! (HUMS) Here we are, dear.
I brought you some soup.
- Merci.
- It's leek and potato.
- Good soup is that.
- Kindly undo these bonds! (SHRIEKS) I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr Papa Lazarou.
If I undo those bags, you might take this knife and try and escape through that open window over there.
I am not Papa Lazarou.
Who are you, then? You're not my lovely Keith.
- Why you do this to me, Reenie? - What's that? (VINNIE'S VOICE) You killed me, Reenie.
You let that red bag fly out the window! - You're not my friend! - I'm frightened, Reenie.
- Please undo the bags! - You're not my friend! (SOBS) Checking the lens.
Now we are prepared.
- Is this gonna be on the telly? - That is right.
In the fall.
- What's your name again? - I am he called Dean.
Dean Tavalouris.
Now, which one of you beautiful daughters of Archimedes will furnish me with a cigarette? Just one will be suffice.
May I take the pleasure? Now I take a cigarette thusly.
(WHEEZES) Soon it will be but a memory, like smoke in the wind.
If you would shake the magic cloth.
- That's good! - Will you show me? No, the magician's code forbids me (BOTH) Hey! You two come in here.
Check this guy out.
Do you know what this bloke can do? - It's gonna be on telly.
- Go on, then.
Show us.
No, the magician's code forbids Fuck off.
Show us.
- He can make a fag disappear.
- Whoo (!) - Bungo, leave him.
- Give him a fag.
Go on.
(COUGHS) (MEEKLY) I take the fag thusly.
Soon it will be but a memory.
- (FARTS) - You're mingin'! Whoa! Where's your hand goin'? - Is that to put your cock in? - Absolute rubbish.
- Let me show you how it's done.
- (GIRLS) Go on! No! No! No! Hey, Miggy.
Bet this is worth a bit.
Please don't touch it! (SCREAMS) Don't touch it! (LAUGHTER) (BABBLES INSANELY) - Come on.
It'll be a laugh.
- (GROANS) I want more than that.
Down.
That's it.
Down.
(GIGGLING) (WHEEZES) Oh! Oh, he's done all his work surfaces in that Corian.
Shh! What's he done with her? He's clever.
He's put 'em all into piles to bag 'em up.
He's got some good stuff in here.
It's brand-new.
Come on.
(MUMBLES TO HERSELF) He won't get much for these bras.
They're all wet.
Hee-hee! The Spastics' will be green when they see this lot.
- (WEEPING) - What's that? Oh, what's the matter, dear? Are you all right? Don't cry, dear.
I'll look after you.
I'm your friend.
I can't believe you fell for that one! (SCREAMS) Hello, Dave.
You see, the thing that people don't realise about make-up is you can tend to overdo it.
It's much better to have too little and then add on.
- Try telling your little girl.
- Shut up! I learned my skills from my wives.
Each one of them has something different to offer.
Your wife, for example, knows a great deal about curling eyelashes.
You didn't know that, did you? Perhaps you should have paid more attention to her.
- I know I did.
- What have you done with her? You know, I can't even remember if she's alive or dead.
Simba? - Yeah, boss.
- Bring me the book of wives.
What? The book? He's not stole the book as well, has he? - Ooh, Keith the thief! - Shut up! - Here y'are, boss.
- Now, what was my wife's name? - Katie Morgan.
- Dave.
Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave Ah - Is she alive? - Alive in a manner of speaking.
Would you like to see what she looks like now? No.
I think you'd much rather see her in the flesh.
What's happenin'? What's happenin'? (GRUFF VOICE) Ah, Dave, you are awake.
Pleasant dreams? - Where's my wife? - Tick-Tick.
(SIMBA LAUGHS) Oh, Dave.
Someone to see you, Dave.
- Help me! - Katie?! - Help me, Brian! - Show him what you can do.
Up! Up! You're going to be an elephant.
(ALL LAUGH) (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) Anybody there? I need to go to the toilet.
(CAMP VOICE) Lovely day, isn't it? (PHONE RINGS) Keith Drop.
(GRUFF) How are the animals? So we just need one more wife for the elephant.
(CAMP VOICE) Excuse me.
You dropped this.
(KEITH) Oh, God! Are you all right? - Tony? - Don't try to speak.
If not for that St Christopher, you'd be dead by now.
- It's fate, Tony.
- Come on.
Back to the shop.
(PAULINE) You saved my life! - Beauty and the beast.
- What's that? Beauty and the beast.
Hmm Tell me.
(GRUFF) Do you like animals? Charlie? Charlie? I just heard a massive noise.
I'm gonna find out what it was.
Stay back.
Stay back.
What's happened? - Just tell me what happened.
- Will you get out of the way? - Shit! - (GEOFF) Who's that? We're tryin' to do a job here.
Bugger off.
Show some respect for the dead.
(INAUDIBLE) You may kiss the bride.
(INAUDIBLE) (LAUGHTER) (MOANS) (INAUDIBLE) (BABY CRIES) (BARBARA) My beautiful darlings.
Shh!