The Letdown (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (SIREN WAILS) - How ya goin'? - Hi.
Had a good night? Yep.
- You goin' out, or? - What? What can I get ya? What? You buying? Yeah? S-sorry? (SIGHS) You buying? Yeah? Drugs? No! Okay, if you're not buying, get off my spot.
So oh, sorry, I would but, um, I've just got her to sleep, so - Oh.
- She's a really light sleeper.
If I turn on the engine, she'll wake up.
Oh, right.
Not my problem.
Skitch 'em! Skitch 'em! - Why can't you just? - (LOUDLY) Why can't I just? - Why can't you just?! - Shh! Oh, fine.
What, um - All right, I'll buy something.
- Okay.
What do uh, what's your cheapest drug? Fitty.
- Oh.
What is it? - Shard.
It's the good stuff.
- Is that ice? - Yeah.
Jeez, I don't want ice! - No? - There's an epidemic! - Yeah.
- Did you see Four Corners? Oh, my God! There was a guy in emergency masturbating for 18 hours.
Had to put him in an isolation cubicle.
- Okay, move your car.
(KNOCKS ON ROOF) - Shh! What else have you got? Have you got, oh, I don't know, coke? - I remember that.
- Four hungy.
Jesus Chr! When did that happen? Hey? Move your car! Move it, baby! - Shhh! - Time to go! - Yep! - Stop it.
Can you just? Just Can you just roll, like, roll me over - Can you just roll me over there? - Hey? - Roll me over there.
- Yep, twenty.
- For a push? - Yep.
Come on.
All right.
All right, all right, all right! - (SIREN WHOOPS) - (BABY CRIES) Anything can happen when you're just like me I'm riding carelessly through a maze How unexpected WOMAN: Well, it's been 12 weeks.
Here you are.
Novelty worn off? The choices that you make now really matter.
Oh, fuck! - (CRIES) - Shh, shh, shh.
You're not number one anymore.
And there's no point whinging about what you've lost.
Do you think if I have the kale and the spinach? Muscle tone.
Sleep.
Your freedom.
MAN: Decaf and a double shot latte for you.
Oh, what I wouldn't give for a real coffee! Obviously not breastfeeding, then? No, it didn't work out.
Let's look instead at what you've gained.
Rounder bottoms.
Stretch marks.
Adult acne.
Haemorrhoids.
Shit! And a small, helpless child.
This is motherhood.
You're all in this together.
No, prams can stay outside the building.
Oh, it's okay, I think I've got it.
Prams can stay outside the building please.
Audrey, is it? You're late.
Welcome to mo parents' group.
(CLEARS THROAT) We'll just wait for her.
I just knew that this one was in a hurry.
So I got into the perfect position, of course.
Go get Dad, darlin'! Aisle 17! And, um, here she is! Princess Kate! (CHUCKLES) Neil has a hopeless obsession with the duchess.
- Do you know? - Ah, thank you, Barbara.
Next.
Ah, hello.
Mrs Sophie Frances-Cohen.
Sorry! (CHUCKLES) I still get a buzz saying that.
Um, I had the most beautiful room at the Royal Women's Private.
My OB said it was a textbook birth in the end and this is Eugenia Cohen.
Ester! Ester, who's that? This is my husband, Ruben.
- Hey, gang! - Hello, Ruben.
This one's got a bit of a throat tickle, so I thought it best to stay away.
Uh next? Ooh! Hi! (CHUCKLES) I'm Martha.
Oh, and this is Teddy.
It's, uh, Theodore.
Uh, well, mine definitely wasn't textbook.
Posterior, 36-hour delivery, forceps, ventouse, fourth-degree tear.
And I'm that one in 200 (CHUCKLES) The epidural pierced my spinal fluid.
(WOMEN GASP) No, no, no, but it it's all fixed now.
Remarkable healing powers, the anus.
How's the fissure? Any further tearing? No.
All good now, thank you.
RUBEN: We've actually found some, uh, like, a natural laxative and some soft toilet paper really help with, uh, Ester's haemorrhoids.
Audrey.
Haemorrhoids? Well, ugh.
Your story.
Sorry.
Um, hi, I'm Audrey and this is Stevie, um, named after my dad.
Oh, he's so sweet! It's a girl.
It's a she.
Named Stephen? - Just Stevie.
- Like Stevie Nicks! Brilliant! Your birth? Oh, sorry, that, uh, fine, thank you.
Audrey, we're here to share.
C-section, in the end.
Uh, not too posh to push.
I didn't I didn't elect it.
And, uh, Ester? Oh, Ester was simply magnificent.
She was so calm.
- (BABY CRIES) - (PRESSES BUZZER) - Shh.
- NURSE: Yes, Ester? What's the wi-fi password? Ah, that's actually just for staff.
- Is it? - Yes.
What's the wi-fi password? Let's see.
Name, Ava Rose.
No story.
I, uh, consulted a names book and that's the name I decided.
Uh, birth, C-section.
I did elect, and it ran like clockwork.
Sorry, Ester, I didn't mean to Nah, I'm pro-choice.
Abortions, too.
But I I just didn't get to choose the caesarean.
- Not the abortion, obviously.
- (CHUCKLES) Choosing a caesarean doesn't make it right.
I thought we agreed on no judgements.
Yeah.
Audrey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't Just in my experience, the chaos of surgery was awful.
- As opposed to? - God, no.
That's horrific! Shit, sorry, Marta.
- Martha.
- Martha.
Brain's still asleep.
What's not necessary is mothers judging other mothers.
Okay.
Sorry.
Thank you.
And, lastly, Jenna.
Your little boy's name? Oh, we we don't believe in branding or defining his/her gender.
We'll wait for him/her to reveal his/her name.
The Department of Human Services will reveal it in two months, so you might want to hurry along.
You might get something shit like Rupert.
- Or Stewart.
- Or Neil! That's my husband's name! Yes, it is.
Sorry.
Um, and Herb and I were consciously aware of making that transition from womb to world as graceful and peaceful as possible.
- (GROANS) - Oh, dear.
- (GROANS) - Pass me the strainer.
(GROANS) Another poo? - Audrey, no.
No, no, no, no, no! - (STEVIE FUSSES) She needs the whole areola.
- Pull her off.
Let's start again.
- It's okay, I know how to do it.
- She's just being a bit, um a bit - (STEVIE SCREAMS) Look, here is a breast that should have been drained hours ago.
Just imagine, Audrey, trying to suck the milk from a coconut! Oh, she does look hungry! Is that a hungry face? You know, when I'm engorged, I just have a 2-minute pump.
I don't actually express.
Then how do you know that she's getting her 60ml with each feed? Oh, you must be exhausted, darling.
You've never done the pump and dump? The what? If you drink alcohol, some women pump and dump, dispose of the milk.
Or what's done in my house, pump the milk, dump the baby.
MARTHA: Maybe she chooses not to express.
Wow, what a luxury.
Try looking after a baby and 20 staff.
- Was that a judgement? - Maybe she doesn't have a pump.
I've got several.
I'd happily lend you a pump.
You don't need pumps, though, girls.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with the manual option, okay? - Don't touch my boob! - Barbara! This is just this is well, it's unhygienic for one.
Look, I, um, I'm actually doing really well.
I've got a great support team so I I'm okay.
I don't really think I need, um, this sort of thing, so I might just go now, if that's okay, thank you.
We'll see you next week! - She won't be coming back.
- There's always one.
Thank you.
And, yes, I am fucking exhausted.
La-la-la-la-la! Hi! Daddy's home! Hi! You're back.
- How's my baby? - Oh, a bit shit, actually.
I went to that mother's group thing this morning and - Oh, you meant Stevie? - No.
Um, you're both my babies.
Did you make some new friends? Friends? Why would I need new Yes, I'm wearing my pyjama pants.
Why are you home? I've got to go down to the Melbourne office this arvo.
What? The canyon tender's gone to shit and they want me to go down and dazzle them.
You can't.
I've got Em's birthday tonight.
Oh, fuck it, that's right.
I'm supposed to be babysitting.
It's not babysitting when it's your - When it's your own child.
Yeah.
- Tell Mandy you can't go.
You've got a new baby.
Oh, well, that's Mandy, who wanted to have a Skype meeting when you were in active labour.
Which you did.
Yeah, to tell her I couldn't take the call.
Yeah, that took a long time.
Look, it was hard for her to hear.
You know, I I feel like I have apologised for that a lot, Aud.
- I know it's a shitty time.
- I haven't been out since she was born.
I know.
I know.
You know what? We should ask Verity.
It's about time your mum did something.
- (HORN BEEPS) - Now, that's Mandy.
I will make it up to you, I promise.
I love you.
I love you too.
Oh, that iron's on.
Fuck! S sorry, darling.
Sorry.
So, can you babysit, please? Mmm.
Mmm.
Audrey, darling, you're looking dreadful.
- Thank you.
- Now, did you call Dr Fulton? I'm not depressed.
It's called sleep deprivation.
I mean, you haven't been much fun lately.
Which is why I'd like to go tonight.
Hmm.
Well, it's very last-minute.
It's Em's birthday.
Can you please, please look after Stevie? No, it's too soon.
- She'll be fine, Mum.
- No, it's not her.
It's not her.
And I've told you that she's the spitting image of your father.
Nothing like Dad.
And with the anniversary coming up, I Dad died 12 years ago.
Audrey, that is very insensitive.
I I'd be two hours, max.
If she woke I could get a pump.
Don't don't get a pump.
You'll ruin the shape of your beautiful breasts.
Don't do that.
Well, I'm not going to use formula, so at some point, I will be pumping.
For goodness' sake, you were raised on formula! Yeah, because your milk was laced with marijuana.
Yeah, but that's because I had all that back trouble.
And anyway, I can't tonight, I've got a date with Alejandro.
- Very sweet, by the way.
- (SIGHS) Looking forward to meeting you.
- Can't wait.
- (PHONE CHIMES) At least one of us is having sex.
Now, come on.
Share some of this tarte au citron.
Yesterday, the census lady asked me when I was due.
(LAUGHS) Oh, did she? Oh, poor Audrey.
Oh, well.
You know, when I had you, the weight just fell off me.
- (STEVIE CRIES) - Mm.
No, no, the client's there.
Why have a meeting in Sydney when you can wine and dine in Melbourne? Oh, that sucks.
- Who'll babysit? - I'm not sure yet.
It's no biggie.
Don't stress.
But it's your birthday.
I'm not going to miss it.
(SIGHS) - Yes? - Audrey? Yes, um, I'm your Night Angel.
- Where's Kim? - I am Kim.
Oh! Like Kim Jong-un! - Kim what? - Come in.
Okay, so I've got my contact number and the number of the restaurant and, um, her favourite toy, which is just that one there, actually, and, um, just the hospital number and the local police and our GP.
Any questions? Uh, yes, do you have the footy channel? - Don't know.
- You do.
Got it.
It's a big game on tonight.
I'm excited.
Ah, well, um, good luck! Thank you.
We need we need the win.
Don't hesitate to call if there's anything at all.
- I don't mind.
- No worries.
Have a good one, Audrey! Bye.
Come on, sir! Offside! Fuck! But is the meat sustainable? - The meat? Yes.
- Oh! Aud, you made it! - Sorry I'm late.
- Can I take your bag, ma'am? - Uh, no, that's fine.
Thanks.
- Oh, is that Stevie? - Uh - Yeah, it is.
Sorry.
She's asleep.
You won't even know she's here.
Oh, no! That's good! Sit down.
(STEVIE SCREAMS) I'm I'm so sorry.
She'll be asleep soon.
This is fine.
This is nothing.
It's fine.
- (SCREAMING INTENSIFIES) - Sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
Oh, just pass her over.
You haven't even touched your food.
Yeah.
But we like it.
Keep her, keep her around.
- How's the mineral water, Pete? - Thanks.
It's fine.
It's really good.
Yeah.
Do you know what? There's a really good little room back there I saw.
Wow.
So what age do we think it's appropriate to leave them at home then? (LAUGHS) No offence, sweetie.
Wow, you are shovelling that in.
Oh, look, if you can get those changes to me by tomorrow - Tonight, even.
- I think we have a deal.
So you were telling me you have a new baby.
- How old's the baby now? - Oh, a couple of months.
- A couple of months? - Yeah, yeah.
And you're down here in Melbourne? Well played, sir.
Yeah, well, she's she's doing great.
And you're back in on the old? (WHISTLES) I I meant the baby.
But, no, Audrey's very good as well.
She's really taken to the motherhood thing, so You're not having sex, are ya? (CHUCKLES) Well, we we still go okay.
- We just - Have you had one? Have you got one off yet? It's not (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Well, look, it's a you know, it's a sensitive area, I suppose.
- Well, literally.
- In other words, no.
- Just say no.
Just admit it.
- All right, all right.
- No.
No, I'm not having sex.
- (BOTH CHEER) Oh, you poor bastard.
Don't worry, mate, you'll get laid again.
In 2048.
Good, good.
A little something for the birthday girl.
- Wow.
- Fancy! Can we get one more, please? Uh, I don't think that's a good idea, Aud.
- Five, please.
- Four.
- Four.
- Five.
- Four's fine.
- Five glasses, please.
- Four glasses is fine.
- Four's fine.
Pete, I can have one glass of champagne.
Yeah, I'm not saying I've got the FeedSafe app, so I'm not going to do anything to the baby.
- I understand that, Aud.
- I'm feeding her right now.
I really don't need people telling me what to do tonight, okay? - Aud! - I know.
Of all people! I just I just came back from rehab.
Oh, G I thought you meant because I was Oh, my God! How did I not know that?! That's amazing.
Well done! Good on you, Pete.
Oh, my God! Cheers to that, everyone! - Well done! - Yeah.
- No, cheers, Pete.
Well done.
- Cheers.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Oh.
Tell you what I do when I get home, drive my car into the driveway and then, do I go in and see my wife and baby? - Probably? - No.
- Oh.
- I stay in the car.
Do you know why? Because I've got a baby monitor in my glove box connected to my baby monitor in the nursery.
So I listen in.
Is the baby awake, is the baby asleep? Baby's awake, I stay in the car, do some emails.
- My most productive time.
- Right.
Best purchase I ever made.
Is she breastfeeding? - Yep.
- Encourage that.
If you do the formula, you're up two, three times yourself.
She goes, "You get up, you get up.
I've been doing it all day.
" Breastfeeding, who's getting up? Don't want someone else to get up at 6:00 in the morning! No, but it's 'cause it's a primal thing.
Sure.
You know, the women are more connected to feeding than the men.
- Do you have kids? - No.
Yeah, but that's it, get the baby monitor situation.
- Keep her breastfeeding.
- Baby monitor in the room.
- Sweet, mate.
Nothing changes.
- Fantastic.
Yeah.
Can I get another bottle, please? Let's have one more bottle.
Oh, I'm pretty good, I think.
That's a nice amount of wine for me.
It's Malbec time! - Oh, yeah, okay, okay.
- But I'll cover - No, you don't have to.
- Hey, guys, she's asleep.
Yay! So where to, next? Should we go to Goldies? Oh, you know what, maybe we should call it a night.
I'm kind of tired.
- Me too, actually.
- Really? Really? Okay, well, I might just go and grab a cab then.
I think it might be illegal for cabs to take babies under one.
But there's a there's a bus stop around the corner.
You could take a bus, I don't know.
- Is that all right? - Yeah.
No, yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- See ya.
- Bye.
- Was great to see you.
- Great to see you guys.
- And you, little one.
Happy birthday.
Bye, guys.
- Bye! - See ya! Far out.
Okay.
I need a drink.
(LAUGHS) - Oh, don't.
- Don't.
Pete, that's not funny.
Yeah.
Do you remember when we were younger then? Caught up in innocence I think about before, memories of it all Lost in deep when I hear you call You know what you need For your sanity (LAUGHTER) So, don't stop dancing in the darkness You should be proud of your own kind of madness You're the one who found it Back and forth Do you feel it like the beat of a drum? And you know everyone one will want some So, don't stop dancing in the darkness Aud.
Aud Hey! Sorry.
- Oh.
- Um what are you doing? And why is Stevie on the ground? I was just trying to work out why she hates it so much.
- This is actually very comfortable.
- Yeah.
It's a good mattress.
I don't know if it's designed to take your weight.
- What?! - Or any adult weight.
Why are you back? I got the early flight.
I I missed you guys.
Oh, that's nice.
I shouldn't have gone.
Maybe we should pretend it's like 2016 and do what we used to do on Saturday morning.
Yes, Huevos Rancheros at Jimmys.
I did eat on the plane, so I don't know if I need another meal.
- No, the other thing.
- Oh, yeah, I was kidding.
- Oh, my neck.
(GROANS) - You still want to? - Yes! - Okay.
Lovely.
Are you sure? - Oh, ow.
It's just my scar.
- Do you want to sit up? - No, I Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Sit up, sit up, sit up.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Nope! - Is that haemorrhoids? - Don't say it.
- Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry! - I have missed this.
- Mm.
You're all sweaty.
Is that breast milk? I don't know.
Maybe.
It doesn't matter.
No, no, it doesn't matter.
It's natural, isn't it? (STEVIE CRIES) I'll go, okay? I'll go.
Um what should I do? Should I pick her up? Yeah, try rocking her.
- What? - Rocking her.
Yeah, she's not stopping.
(STEVIE QUIETENS) I think she wants a feed.
Aud? Hey, Aud! - How long was I asleep? - I don't know.
- A couple of seconds, maybe.
- Well, I'm awake now.
(STEVIE CRIES) (QUIETENS) - (CRIES) - Ah, for fu Just just stick it in.
- What about contraception? - I'm breastfeeding.
- It's fine, I think.
- You think? I mean, you're probably right.
Let me just check, let me just check.
- What, really? - Yes! - You'll thank me.
- You're kidding me.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Okay.
Um hormonal contraception.
Erotic lactation.
Okay.
- Hey, bingo.
Catholics approve.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS) Oh, wow.
Did you know Bec and Tom, they got engaged? Are you on Facebook? No, it is just one of those notifications.
- (COMPUTER BEEPS) - Oh, shit.
Harry doesn't like the changes.
Fuck! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, babe.
Sorry.
I just can't concentrate.
You don't have to! No, but, if I just get on to it now, I can start now and I can be finished by this afternoon.
- We can still go to - Finish this! What's the point in coming home early if you're just gonna? Look, it's important.
All right? I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment, Aud.
I can't fuck it up.
I really cannot fuck it up.
I know I've not been home enough.
And I feel completely useless around Stevie.
(SIGHS) I mean, if you express, maybe I could do more of that but I know breastfeeding is kind of primal, so I don't want to get in - What are you talking about? - I don't know.
- I'm sorry.
- Mm.
- Hey, just let me do this.
- (SIGHS) And we'll try again later.
You can have a nap.
- Okay? - Okay.
(SIGHS) (STEVIE CRIES) Oh, well, well, well.
Look who it is.
You were down there last time.
Yeah, now I'm here.
Tomorrow I will be there.
This whole park's mine.
It is my office, do you get it? - So - All right.
Well, I'll go.
I'm just going to finish feeding her, all right? (SIGHS) Yeah, righto.
You got two minutes.
- Come on, bub.
- Oh, nah, hang on, hang on, hang on.
He's not on right.
He's not on right.
The spray's probably too full on.
You actually need the dummy half in this situation.
- What? - It's a footy hold.
It's all in the arms.
It really works a treat.
- (WHISTLE) - Okay, well - Okay, off you fuck.
- Can you Hey, can you just show me what you meant? Mm-mm.
Don't worry about it.
Piss off.
- Can you just just show me the arms.
- Hey, nah, fuck off.
Where's your support network, loser? Just do the footy hold.
Just do the arms! - Fuck off.
- Come on! Parks are for kids, you jerk.
Now, it doesn't matter if their head's in the 100th percentile and their body's in the fifth, they grow as they grow.
Hi, there.
Does anyone know the, uh the dummy hold, uh, footy hold sporting reference to do with holding and breast? (CHUCKLES) You probably didn't expect to see me again.
Uh yeah, I said some things.
Um sorry if anyone took offence to the But, you know, it turns out my support team is not so great.
So And I took Stevie to a club last week, so I'm Shall we give it another try, Audrey? I guess so.
Ambrose was just talking about managing expectations, so (CHUCKLES) Oh, well, I don't know about you guys but I'm finding this all a bit um, well, you know, a lot's changed.
A bit more than I expected, actually.
But you all seem so on top of it.
I think she meant managing the expectations of baby's progress.
- Oh.
- No, but fair enough.
You and Stevie Nicks had a pretty difficult birth, didn't you? It's gonna take a while to get over.
Yeah, it wasn't a great start.
Um yeah, I kept arguing for a natural birth because I'd read all this stuff and and, uh, yeah, we nearly lost her, so - (CLEARS THROAT) - But you didn't, did you? So who can demonstrate the football hold for Audrey? Yeah, I can.
No dramas.
Hi.
There's a baby outside.
Fuck.
Anything can happen when you're just like me I'm riding carelessly through a maze How unexpected I'm under lock and key In a world of relentless passion Anything can happen when you're just like me I'm riding carelessly through a maze How unexpected I'm under lock and key In a world of relentless passion