The Letdown (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

Rat Park

1 AUDREY: So, I will finish next week's but then that may be it.
CHARACTER ON LAPTOP: Where are you going? The weekly newsletter.
Yes, Sue, I'm still doing it.
- OK.
I'll hold.
- (BABY FUSSES) She's going to miss Bella Nonna.
Don't you talk about it, it'll upset me again.
We'll be back.
Every other weekend.
- What's that? - We've found Pepe Le Pew.
It's just adorable.
Mum! You can't watch that today.
He's a would-be rapist.
The cat spends every ep running for her life.
From a sexual predator.
Oh, he's just amorous.
Gosh, you're a bore.
You need to go to Paris.
Mummy's no fun since she had you.
Time's up, Pepe.
Put a Bing on.
There's no non-consensual rape.
Oh, sorry, Sue.
Oh, no.
I was just talking to my mother.
No, no.
It doesn't No.
It doesn't matter.
Not a No, she hasn't been.
Mummy's being silly, isn't she? - It's funny and romantic.
- (GIGGLES) Turn it off! Anything can happen when you're just like me I'm riding carelessly through a maze How unexpected.
Zara's mum does plaits.
Well, that's because Zara's mum doesn't do a lice treatment.
Hi, mate.
Great, what have we got? "3+3+1 = 5+2.
"True or false?" "Well, everyone knows that, so it's true.
" It's not an explanation, but you're right - Sorry, babe.
I can't find my shirt.
- Uh, on the line.
And I need your tax receipts and payroll.
- They're on the table.
- OK.
There you are.
Why is there hair there? Alright, out! Go, everyone out into the car! Go! I won't be a minute.
Close the door! Close the door.
Close (KIDS PLAY NOISILY IN THE BACKGROUND) "'I wish I was coming, Grace," Nan said, as she hugged me tight.
"'Oh, I'm going to miss our huggles our cuddles.
'" - (CHILDREN LAUGH) - Stop.
- Are we there yet? - Not yet, mate.
In a sec.
Good girl, Jessie.
"Then, at the coo at the coojong" (CHILDREN LAUGH) "Coorong" Coorong.
"Luke made us laugh.
"'Look!' he said, 'A pelican.
"'Its beak can hold more than its belly can.
' "On our first night we camped on the edge" Oh, thank God! Oh, man.
Oh, man.
(THUD) Shh.
(OPERATIC SINGING) - Still awake, then? - Hi.
I guess so.
Why'd you get Phoebe and not Dave? Dave's over at Martha's looking after Teddy.
Hey, who's that guy? Isn't he some kind of trailblazer? Yeah.
Certainly was.
Roger Ward.
- He got Me Too'ed in the '90s.
- Ah.
Oh, my God.
Is that Angus Michaels? With a spray tan? - No.
Oh, it is.
- It is.
- Love the lippy.
- He looks like Donald Trump.
You remember Ruben? (CHUCKLES) Yes.
Yes, I do.
How are you? Oh, here we go.
How's Louise? And the kids? Sublime.
Number four! Accident.
You going again? - (LAUGHS) - You can't ask that question.
- (LAUGHS) - Someone doesn't want a second! So, why the tan? It's barely spring.
- Just got back from Burning Man.
- Oh, nice.
- You a 'Burner'? - Ah, no.
- It's a festival in the States.
- Yeah, I know.
Correction, it's a de-commodified community.
It's a temporary city they build once a year.
- It's got a barter system.
- Yes, I know.
And what did you barter with? Finance tips? It's gifting, not bartering.
And yeah.
A tribe of us traders went.
It's ironic, isn't it? Traders, "gifting" It's not irony, Ruben, it's balance.
Did someone gift you that necklace? They did.
They did.
Sorry to interrupt.
Here you go Oh, my God, did everyone go to Burning Man but us? No, that's just the glow of youth.
This is my niece, Zoe.
Next generation of us.
Yeah, well, next year, I'm going with you! - (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) - No.
I don't think so.
Est, I hear that you've been elected to the ASRB.
Yep, first board, apart from her own.
We're very proud.
I was on that one 2012 to 2016.
Had to quit out of sheer boredom.
So now I'm just on the literacy board, the foreign investment, the AXB and GOB.
Oh, and the Aus Ballet, which I adore.
A real board hog, huh? (LAUGHS, OINKS) (LAUGHS) - (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) - Hmm? Oh, duh.
Why didn't I think of you?! Zoe's looking for a uni placement, will only work with female MDs, and I was racking my brain Maria Pippos, Jill Jacobs, Helen Cooper.
What do you say? Bit of mentoring? It could be good for future boards.
- I'd love to.
- Oh, my God! That would be amazing.
Thank you.
I read this article about these facials that use penis cells to rejuvenate the skin.
I think I need a penis facial.
Well, I could give you one of those right now.
That was a bit gross.
- It's just been a while since - That's because I'm exhausted.
Don't get to bed before one.
Those creams take you an hour.
I am in her bedroom for at least two hours, and then I'm eating at 10, and then I have to work 'till one.
- Maybe I should do bedtimes? - No! It's just that I don't have any space for us.
Are we just old and boring? Why is everyone 'burning' but us? I mean, do you remember when we used to have fun? We used to go out, we went and saw bands.
- In the '90s? - Yeah.
Now I'm just an old, old mum.
With wrinkles at rest.
I love your wrinkles.
I love this one.
And this little guy, when you smile.
And that one.
And that one in there.
That one.
And that one.
And that one.
And I love these.
That one there.
There, there, little wrinkle.
I love those guys.
Love that one when you smile.
- OK, Ruben.
- And up there That's enough.
And I like yours too! - What are you doing in there? - Nothing.
Stevie Daddy's eating Vegemite too.
See? And there's a song about that.
That Daddy can't remember - (HUMS) Nuh, nuh, Veg - I don't know.
(GASPS) Oh, nice parenting, Jeremy.
It's all through her ear canals.
Thanks, darling.
- Now I'll have to wash her hair too.
- I'm sorry.
The framing is absolutely appalling.
You left me no head room.
- Uh Better? - Oh, yeah.
Stay there.
You're desperate.
Nothing to see.
No more milk.
I'm just nipple now.
They'll come back, won't they? Five years, Barb said.
- Hey, what time's your Harry Skype? - 10.
He said it's just a formality, but maybe I've misread it and, you know, I've failed probation.
No! Better start packing.
Well, just wait for my call, because I'm nervous now.
Well, good luck.
I better wash this yoghurt out, got our check-in with Ambrose today.
I'm going to ask her about the wrist thing and sociopaths.
You got any questions? Uh No.
Oh, ask about the five-year thing, the Questions about your daughter, not my mammary glands.
Thank you very much.
Almond flat white? Mademoiselle.
Double shot latte? Madame? Oui.
Hang on a sec.
What did you say? - Double shot latte.
- No.
Pierre, did you just call me Madame? Not that it makes a difference.
Well, yesterday I was Mademoiselle.
And every fucking day before that.
I mean, what do you guys do? Do you go into a staff meeting out the back and decide who's looking old? Are there, like, photos of us stuck on the wall? I mean, she's Mademoiselle.
Course she's a fucking Mademoiselle.
- Ester, you create a scene.
- Do I? Well, let me just tell you, you have lost yourself a very important customer.
I spend a shitload of money in here.
So the joke is on you, monsieur.
This one comes highly recommended, but it's $2,000.
- Oh, God.
That's no good.
- Is there anything else? Well, we could always get one of those pod things.
No! Just keep looking.
Or you can get the intern to do it.
She'll be here in a sec.
- Whose dumb idea was an intern? - It's Angus Michael's niece.
Got it.
I'll get her to clean out the storeroom.
It's a mess.
Zoe Michaels.
- Yes, we've met.
- Of course.
Aww adorable.
Is it just the one? Yep.
Lady, you are a powerhouse.
I am so thrilled to be here, instead of with some old man staring at me like I'm lunch.
Well, thank you.
That's a lovely compliment.
But I don't think you will be in here with me.
I think you'll be with Belle.
She's got some micro-management she wants to talk to you about.
Don't you, Belle? - Yes, some minor managerial tasks.
- Perfect.
I love micro-managing.
Oh, Belle, maybe Zoe could get us a coffee.
From Pierre's? (VIDEO CALL RINGTONE) Oh, Hey, Jeremy.
- You after Harry? - Hi, Ros.
Is he around? He is, although he's in no state to talk.
He's, um well, a bit of a boozy lunch.
How are you going anyway? - You enjoying the States? - Not really.
It's just really tedious making new friends in your 40s, you know? And I'm actually missing my mother, which is weird.
- We're not even that close.
- MAN: Can you believe that? A grown woman crying over her mother.
Shut up, Harry.
She's coming for Thanksgiving.
Women and their mothers, eh, mate? Women and their mothers.
- Yeah, get off.
- How are you, mate? Drink with me, buddy.
Drink with me! - It's 10:00am, mate, so I better not.
- (CHUCKLES) - Jezza? - Yeah? I gotta say, the probation period is over.
And the Americans fucking love you.
They love you.
They think you're amazing.
I think you're amazing.
And I'm really happy as well.
I've gotta say, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you remind me of me, mate.
That's what That's what inspires me the most.
Do I? Thanks, mate.
That is a huge compliment.
But now, things are going to start escalating in the coming months, though, Jezza.
So you've got to be on the ball.
Keep the momentum, if you know what I mean.
Because you are it.
But right now, tell you what you should do.
Get yourself a bottle of champagne, pop the cork on it, and find yourself a house.
But preferably, somewhere with a little wing where you can shove the mother-in-law, if you know what I mean, mate.
- Been lovely chatting.
- Yep.
Love you! Got it.
(TO HIMSELF) It's great news.
ALL: You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn around No, Jakey.
Do it with your head.
Turn around And that's what it's all about Oh, the Hokey Pokey What's that? They just want to see if Mummy can count to 10.
- Is that from Jakey? - (BABY CRIES) Oh, Jakey! I told them you'd lock them up if they didn't OK.
Just straight into it? OK.
- One, two, three, four - (BABY CONTINUES CRYING) Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- AMBROSE: Audrey.
- Just Just wait.
- Audrey! - Sorry, she's about to do it.
I want you to see this.
(TO THE BABY) Come on.
Any second now.
There! There.
See that? The rotation of the wrists.
It's normal.
You sure? Not a sign of autism? Sometimes I think she lacks empathy.
- Have you been on the internet? - No - Maybe.
- Yeah.
Didn't he do that in Rain Man? Oh, yeah.
But that was all in the head.
And it was quite inaccurate.
(SCOFFS) - Well, he won an Oscar, didn't he? - (SCOFFS) But what about the empathy thing? Sometimes she just whacks other kids, and then, when they cry, nothing.
I'm a bit worried about sociopathic tendencies.
Well, you just tell her "No".
(BABY REACTS) She'll learn empathy through your facial expressions, too.
I mean, you're not using the Botox, obviously.
I'd be more worried about their kids.
Shall we? - You OK? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm good.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, Sorry.
- Do you mind if I? - No, no.
Shit! OK.
Yeah, I know it.
Leaving now.
Sorry, Ambrose, I've got to go.
A a friend.
It Sorry.
But I am great by comparison.
- See ya.
- Don't forget to reschedule.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Alright, go.
In, in, in.
It's ridiculous, Aud.
I wasn't even over.
The cop had it in for me.
Female too.
That's weird.
What did you blow? 0.
So, not over.
Under, if anything.
That's tough.
I can drive it home.
That's fine.
You know what? I reckon we should chuck your pram in the back of the car and I can push the girls home in the double, back to mine, if you could take the twins.
- Is that alright? - Yeah.
Or maybe I could pop Stevie in the car seat and save you the bother of the two.
No, you know what? They are more bother, trust me.
Do you know the Hokey Pokey? You sure you're OK? Yeah.
Bad day, you know.
Well, if there's ever anything you want to talk about at all, - you can - Thanks, love.
I mean, I don't really know much about addiction.
Actually, I do have one friend, who was living on the streets, dealing drugs, and he's doing great now.
Last time I saw him he was in a dress shoe.
With a tracksuit, but still.
He's designed his own recovery program.
- Very funny guy.
- I'm not an alcoholic.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Of course not.
I just meant if you wanted to, like, cut back.
I mean, we could all cut back, couldn't we? I always have one, once she's down.
But I'm not going to have it tonight.
Me either.
- Done! - Deal.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) (LOUDLY) I leave you alone for five seconds Where's your sister's eyebrows?! That's it.
No ice-cream! Jesus Christ! (KIDS PLAY NOISILY) Dinner.
Dinner, you guys.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
You are actually out of 'With Compliments' slips.
Do you want me to order you some more? We don't do those anymore.
- Are you going home? - Yeah.
You doing anything tonight? Oh, Belle just told me that Ruben's organised some kind of surprise date night thing.
Which is kind of annoying, because I'd rather just go home.
Yeah, and isn't it, like, the year of the self? I mean, that's why Uncle Angus went to Burning Man and Aunt Lou did Fiji, because the key to a healthy marriage is self-care, right? Not date nights.
Well, if I were married to Angus, I guess that would be the case, but we prefer to do a kind of daggy date night thing.
Yeah! You bet.
That's a good idea.
I'm going to try that.
Well, um You should Have fun.
Is she down? Gee, Dave's good.
Bet he's washed up, too.
Surprise! We're seeing a band.
You know, like the old days.
- Is it an underage gig? - No.
They're our age, aren't they? - Are they? - Yeah.
- What's the band called? - You'll find out.
You'll love it.
(LOUD, HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - Did you get a pinot gris? - No Pinot Gris.
- What? - (LOUDLY) No Pinot Gris.
Just have a beer.
Oh! Excuse me! Walk to me - I didn't pay to hear him.
- I can't hear you.
- What? - Are you talking? I can't hear you.
- I can't hear you.
- I can't hear you.
Walk to me Don't talk to me - I want to go.
- Huh? - I want to go! - This is the support band.
- Yeah.
- Support band.
Where are you going? Walk to me, don't talk to me (DOORBELL RINGS) (SIGHS) - Having a good day? - No.
Hey, whoa.
Are you the alcoholic? Hey, watch the shoe, please.
(SIGHS) How you going? My name's Scott.
I'm your brand-new sponsor.
Barb, and I don't need a sponsor.
Said the alcoholic.
- Just maybe someone to talk to.
- Yeah.
That's me.
And for a moderate fee, I can give you the 12-step program in six steps.
Save time, save money, save yourself.
I've actually cut out all the God stuff.
Well, I'm not an alcoholic.
I think we'll let BuzzFeed be the judge of that.
Step 1.
Do you feel listless without a glass in your hand? A - Do you want a cup of tea? - Yeah, lovely.
- Close the door.
- Very good.
- Do you have a criminal record? - Yes.
I'd put a second lock on that.
Results are in, and they are fascinating.
- Why? What does it say? - Well, I got 100 again.
So I'm full blown, but you are lineball.
- See? - No, you got 50.
You're half an alcoholic and it doesn't take much to become a full alcoholic, believe you me.
Still, I think I can get you done in four steps.
Let's talk triggers.
When do you feel the need to drink? Five o'clock.
Like every mother.
Oh, boy.
Really? Yeah.
It's called witching hour.
- Is it? - Yeah.
It is.
- Right.
- Dinner, bath, bit of a story, and bed.
I have a couple of glasses of wine to take the edge off.
- OK.
- You obviously don't have kids.
I have three.
Doesn't matter.
So, stress is a trigger.
Copy that.
Have you tried flipping it? They read you a story? They give you a bath.
- That's weird.
- OK.
Well, help me out.
What do you do to destress? You know, is it meditation? Is it gardening? Is it, you know I mean, obviously it's not the gym.
I don't know why you're wearing those.
I have three kids in bed asleep by 8:30.
What is this? Have a glass of wine, watch The Bachelor while I fold the washing.
- That's what I do.
- OK.
So, from 5:00 till 8:30, we're on the piss.
We're bath, kids, routine, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Hey, Scott? - I love my life.
Alright? - Do you? - Yeah.
I chose this.
- OK.
Put that on a hanger, saves on ironing.
That five o'clock glass of wine, that's for me, that's for Barb.
It's just I'm starting earlier and finishing later.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? And I don't know, I need - A Rat Park.
- Sorry? See, your kids obviously have a rat park, and it's a very finely constructed one.
Where is yours? What do you do that's just for you, that doesn't involve double fisting pinot gris? Think! - I honestly don't know.
- Now we're getting some honesty.
OK? So, peel it back.
What did you used to do before you had kids? What was that? - Drinks and dancing with the girls.
- No.
- No booze in Rat Park.
- Stop saying "Rat Park".
Rat Park.
What is Rat Park? How does it apply to you? Here we go.
Fasten your seatbelts.
In the '70s, right, there was this famous experiment where they got a bunch of rats, and they put them in two separate cages.
OK? First cage was an isolated space that was shithouse and dull, the other cage was endlessly entertaining and stimulating, and was awesome.
Right? Guess what happened? The rats in the awesome cage reduced their morphine addiction to zilch, because they had natural dopamine hits.
- PS, these were junkie rats.
- Make your point.
The point is, your addiction isn't you, it's the cage you live in.
- Right? - Yeah.
Think about it, because this cage here is pretty shit.
You need to break out occasionally.
I'm not a junkie rat.
But you're not looking after number one, are you? Like, you have no self-care.
Well, you're in track pants, mate.
With a dress shoe.
- It's the details.
- Is it? Say "Rat Park".
Say it with me, because it's your new mantra.
OK? You know those things on the wall that go "relax"? I'm gonna get you one, but it's going to say "rat" That's a fucking brilliant idea.
Say it with me.
"Rat Park.
" - Rat park.
- Rat Park.
- Rat Park.
- No, say it with me.
- BOTH: Rat Park.
- You're annoying.
Well, yeah.
See how you're annoyed with me? Put that into it.
- OK.
- That's something.
- Rat Park.
- Better.
- Rat Park.
- Better.
Thank you.
Do you know the way out? Yeah.
So, anyway, I'll get some change to you.
Sorry I don't have it on me.
But I like to travel light, you know what I mean? Anyway Um Oh, look, I'm not even going to take this.
- Well, it's not charged.
- Yeah, I couldn't find the charger.
But I like you anyway.
OK? I think you're going to be alright.
Just try and go without for a little bit.
For God's sake, just try and find your - Rat Park.
Rat Park.
Thank you.
- Rat Park.
Rat Park.
Rat Park.
Thank you, Shane.
- Scott.
- OK.
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
(BABY CRIES) God, can't even have a bloody cry.
Gee, they're flirty at Pierre's.
I don't know why women have to put up with that shit.
Well, they don't.
That's why we don't go there anymore.
But it's the only place around here that's decent.
- Ester - Mmm? Would you mind if I stayed in here today and shadowed you? I think you'll find that quite boring.
I think that Belle's got something that she wants you Boring? I would kill for your life.
I want to run my own company, and have one child.
And I'd probably drop the husband.
No offence.
But you are living proof that you can have it all, at the same time.
I mean, is there anything that you can't do?! Not at the same time.
I miss out on a lot with my daughter.
Well, you are setting a great example for young women.
We see you, Ester.
And because of you, fewer men will be flipping out their dicks in the boardroom.
Figuratively or literally? What? OK.
Zoe, that's enough.
Let's get cracking on that kitchen.
Belle, Zoe's going to stay with me today.
Of course, Ester.
I'm just going to borrow her for four hours and then I'll Belle, I'm mentoring.
So was I.
Hey! Hey.
Take your bags, take your bags.
I love you.
I love you.
See you soon.
I found it.
- I found my Rat Park! - That's good, babe.
And we're off the booze for a bit.
- What? - Well, you know, just cutting back.
Don't let me have any more than, like, half a glass a night.
And I'm going to go out dancing every week.
I just need to find out what to do for the other six nights.
Yes, Rat Park! Getting out of the cage! Yes! I stink.
MAN: You're not leaving.
Let's have a few more JEREMY: No, I need a walk.
- Have a good night.
See ya.
- WOMAN: Bye.
- Ow! (SCREAMS) - Give us your wallet.
Take everything.
Alright? Hey.
Phone's brand-new.
- (LAUGHTER) - That was so easy.
Fuck! (READS) "I cuddled Tiger "and called out to Bessie.
"It was good to hear her whinny back.
"Billy woke up and said, 'Are we there yet?' "And we were.
We were home.
" I have been thinking about doing a mentoring program with the uni.
Zoe has just been fantastic, she just makes me feel like I've made all the right choices.
- You have, Est.
- Well, maybe.
- Except for maybe the spiral perm.
- Yeah.
Good point.
And we should have started earlier.
Hey, Est, we're good.
I mean, of course it would have been nice to have another one, but we're going to have such a great life.
We're going to go on really expensive holidays.
I've been doing some research on Burning Man.
Fly in to San Fran, hire a car, we can stay at Napa for a couple of nights, and then drive out to the desert.
Is it in the desert? Ma maybe you should have a look at some footage from Burning Man.
It's like a circus in the dust.
Is everyone high? Everyone's high.
No, thank you.
- Thank God.
- What, you didn't want to go? No! You were going to trek all the way out to the desert and put on feathers and goggles, just for me? Well, you're a good husband.
I have to go and do my face.
Ohh! Come on! Creams.
- Honey? - That was quick.
Oh, my God! It's a sheet mask.
It's just like all my creams in one.
Much quicker.
Oh, I'm going to have nightmares.
No, you're not.
I can still kiss.
Close your eyes.
How's that? Mmm.
Yeah, that actually works.
(DOOR CLOSES) Who's there? Mum, is that you? (FOOTSTEPS) Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
(IN A DEEP VOICE) Who's there? I'm calling the police.
- Oh! - Whoa! Oh, my G Jesus fucking Christ, Jeremy! - I thought you were a rapist.
- No.
No, I'm just home.
I'm home.
Huh? Doing some ironing? No, it was a weapon.
- I was going to bash you with it.
- Oh, come here.
- Why didn't you call me? - I'm sorry.
I lost my phone.
Oh, my God.
- Were you doing your man voice? - Yeah.
That was really scary.
- (LAUGHS) - Don't laugh.
Two horses on their own now I see them run away Two horses coming home now Some day Some day.