The Librarians (2014) s04e02 Episode Script

And the Steal of Fortune

) What? I'm not parked in two spots.
Oh come on, man.
What? Lucky? Not today.
Uh, hello? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (SCREAMS) You sure this is necessary? That thing almost burned down Yosemite National Forest.
Well, Jonas Salk had to test his vaccine, we have to test our tools.
Jenkins, if you're making brekkie, I will take some tomato and avocado.
(JENKINS CHUCKLES) Not an ordinary toaster, Mr.
This is the Toaster of Albuquerque.
I think I'm going to be using it as our new artifact tester.
What happened to our old artifact tester? No, not a new artifact tester, a tester of new artifacts.
And our old tester of artifacts? Our scanners used to determine age by the breakdown of magic within the artifact, akin to carbon dating.
But with the ley lines dormant and prophecy ended, we need new tools to detect new magic.
I understand completely.
If I could still get some avocado on mine, just on the side JENKINS: It's not I understand what you're saying, Cassandra, okay, but I spent my whole life hiding from who I really was.
Now that I'm at peace with it, I can't tell anybody? But that's the way that it's always been.
I don't understand why it's bothering you now.
You're not Jones, Jones, okay? The Super Bowl, yeah.
Somebody wins the Super Bowl, they throw 'em a parade.
Sometimes we get toast.
Guys, back when I was in counterterrorism, we used to fight catastrophe all the time.
We couldn't talk about it.
Comes with the job.
See, it's perfectly normal to want recognition, but this is the job we signed up for.
- We don't get to be - Normal, exactly.
You won't live normal lives.
You're not normal people.
You're Librarians.
Flynn, what are you doing in the mirror? Well, after we tether to the Library, I'll be taking on certain responsibilities that used to be performed by Judson, namely surprising you by popping up into mirrors, TV screens, and windows.
And I think I've finally mastered how to do it.
Why why are you guys upside down? Wait! No normal lives, not at all, not ever? (CHUCKLES) It's just now that I'm not living with the constant fear of the brain tumor killing me, I just thought I'd be able to experience things that normal people do.
You have a higher calling now, your life, your commitment here in the Library.
No relationships, families? - No friends? - Friends? No.
No, especially not friends.
Why are you doing this? Because this is how we'll communicate with the team from afar.
(GLITCHING) (GARBLED DIALOGUE) (LAUGHS) I'm gonna get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I do.
Wait, um, so why can't we have friends? Because emotional ties outside the Library cause chaos and distraction and confusion.
All right, well, Thomas Aquinas said, "There is nothing on this Earth more to be prized than true friendship.
" Thomas Aquinas? Thomas Aquinas was never a Librarian.
Thomas Aquinas barely made the waiting list.
Listen, guys, I know what you're going through.
It happened to me.
There comes a point in time in every Librarian's life when he has to deal with the downside of being a superhero.
- Superhero? - That is what we are, in a way.
We can do amazing things, but we don't do normal things.
It's like my old friend and mentor Judson once said.
He used to say to me, "You have to think of yourself as being celibate monks.
" Uh, but you're not.
You have Baird.
- Doesn't count.
- What? What I mean is you, sweetie, are from the Library, so you understand the life in the way that an outsider wouldn't.
Well, I'm not buying it, all right? As a matter of fact, I'm gonna take Ezekiel and go see one of my friends, Slayton, all right? - We're gonna drink some beer.
- Ah, ah.
We're gonna bet on some ponies, like real people, all right? You ready, Jones? I was born ready.
Take off the hat.
- But I was - Take off the hat.
- I don't count? - (LAUGHS) Sweetie, that's not what I aah! This is what I was looking for.
Oh, look at this, huh? Excitement of the race.
You can smell the horse sweat.
Nothing more pure.
(WHICKERS) It's not gonna bite.
Maybe not.
You don't have to worry about me, mate.
The 12 deadliest animals in the world all come from my hometown.
Well, good, because they can sense fear.
(LAUGHS) Slayton, how you doin', Bubba? Good, man.
What are you doing here? What do you mean? You invited me weeks ago.
Oh, that's right, I did.
Man, things have been crazy.
You bein' here is the first good thing to happen in a while.
Well, this is my colleague, Ezekiel Jones.
You two work on the pipeline together? No, we something like that, yeah.
Then maybe you can explain this guy.
He's one of the smartest dudes I know.
He's like a walkin' library.
But he doesn't want to be any more than an oil field roughneck.
- Glad you're here, Jake.
- Thank you.
Check this out.
His name is Slayton Star.
You ever seen anything this beautiful in your life, Ezekiel? Uh, no.
No, no, no.
Except the Hope Diamond.
Or a hand milled multi-lock skeleton key.
But, as far as horses go, aces.
He's a funny guy.
Hey, man, remember when I asked you if you wanted to go in the horse training business with me, set up an outfit? - I do.
- Yeah.
Looks like you're doing well, though.
Slayton Star's running in the Grand Slam.
Yeah, it was good for a while, man.
Ever since I got here, dude, things have gone from bad to worse.
It's like I'm cursed or something.
The cards again, huh? Yeah, yeah, man.
I played a hand or two.
I wasn't gonna do any more than that, but, uh Did you get caught up? No, man, this was different.
It was unreal.
It was bad hand after bad hand.
It just kept coming.
And now no, no, no, no, no.
- Step back.
- Come on, guys.
Not now.
(WHINNIES) I thought our agreement was delivery after the stakes.
Our deal was subject to my whims, Mr.
Oh, Benny, he's just so pretty.
I like pretty things.
You lost fair and square, my friend.
Don't do that, man.
Don't touch my friend.
- Don't, Jake, don't.
- Don't touch my don't.
It's okay, man.
It's like he said.
It was fair and square.
Get the horse to my barn.
MAN: Come on, now.
All right.
Hey, hey.
This over a game of cards? It's like I was trying to tell you, man.
It started with the cards, but then everything went wrong.
It's the most salacious cold streak in my life.
Then the vet called, water heater exploded, got a letter from the IRS.
I'm just thinking, "Lord, what's next?" I mean, this can't all be coincidence, right? Ahh! Damn bee.
It's some you know hey, hey, hey, Slayton! - Slayton! - He's in anaphylactic shock.
Call 9-1-1! Slayton! Slayton! Slayton! Come on.
Slayton! Doc, how is he? Normally a sting like that would be harmless.
Slayton wasn't even allergic to bees, but trace chemicals in his shampoo and the diet soda he drank today mixed with this particular strain of bee venom to completely shut down his system.
What? What are the odds on that? We're doing everything we can, but if the necrosis spreads, we're talking permanent organ damage or worse.
- Prep Trauma One.
- Yes, Doctor.
(GROANING) Another million-to-one freak accident.
Wait, "Another million-to-one freak accident?" And what are the odds of 2 million-to-one freak accidents? - Oh, it hurts.
- Okay.
I'm betting that didn't happen in a ho-hum fashion, either.
- Or that.
- Man on P.
: All available personnel report to the ER stat.
We have another case of lightning trauma.
(BOTH GRUNTING) STONE: Wait, look at that guy's shirt.
Fortune Downs Race Track and Casino.
We just came from there.
Racing form.
Fortune Downs.
One freak accident is unfortunate.
Two is unusual.
Three, four, five Magic.
BAIRD: Not exactly Churchill Downs.
STONE: Flynn said the place is under new management.
Are you sure your friend's misfortune is magical? You said he gambles.
If it was just that, then no.
But there's the crazy bee sting.
And all the weirdness at the hospital.
It all leads back here.
Usually when there are compound synchronic improbabilities, it indicates a singular force, often abnormal, working willfully.
What? A bunch of weird events together? It's magic.
- Here you go.
- MAN: It's time for the call to post.
So this is a thing that normal people with absolutely nothing but time on their hands do for fun? EZEKIEL: Uh, not all normal people.
In 1911 to 1937, horseracing was the most watched spectator sport in America.
Really? I wasn't in America back then.
What was it like? Well, I tell you, Jones, if I hadn't joined the Library, this is what I'd be doing.
Training horses.
All the fresh air, excitement in the crowd.
Nothing is better.
- Ooh.
Your dreams can come true at Fortune Downs Stakes, the fourth leg of horse racing's grand slam.
Look at this.
Most important piece of data is the horse's lifetime in the money percentage.
Unless you're going trifecta.
Don't miss your chance to become a winner - like me.
- (DINGS) ANNOUNCER: Bowing down the stretch, it's Gary's Golden Girl neck-and-neck with Brandon Baller on the rail and Four Days In coming up on the outside.
It's going to be a close call.
And it's Gary's Golden Girl.
(ALL GROANING) Well, that was exciting until it wasn't.
I'm gonna go check out the casino.
- Good idea.
- I'll go check the gaming machines.
What's wrong with this picture? Crowd's not cheering.
Nobody in the money? A race with no winners? No more bets.
- Red seven.
- (PLAYERS GROANING) - The winner is red seven.
- Well, hello there.
- Think you can change our luck? - Oh, can I? How do you play? You pick a number or a color and cross your fingers.
This time we're going with my old football jersey.
Here, give it a try.
Just Ooh, don't get too wild now.
Well, well, admittedly, it's not even odds, but at 47.
4%, it is your best chance at winning.
If you just put it on one number, your odds are 2.
- It's not great.
- You're a smart one.
- Oh.
(CHUCKLES) - I'm not gonna bet against you.
- (PLAYERS GROAN) - Red five, the winner.
The odds.
Um, dealer, I I'm gonna need more of these.
You poor pigeons.
Well, as one thief to another, I believe I found my game.
ANNOUNCER: Full speed on the outside.
Jimmy Galavan giving - (ALL CHEERING) - Come on! Go! Go! ANNOUNCER: And at the finish, it's Crendemous Queen.
(ALL BOOING) A photo finish for place, Erin's Breakdown in fourth.
Nobody wins again.
That's definitely not right.
Okay, I'm willing to buy your magical interference theory, but who or what is doing it? Could be a new artifact, dormant ley line.
Or someone taking advantage of one of those things.
I smell a rat.
Is that what you're saying? Close enough.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the winner's circle, Fortune Downs Stakes.
That's the guy that stole Slayton's horse right before he got stung.
So this guy owns the track and the winning horse? Everybody loses but him.
If it smells like a rat I win again! Wow, nice run, partner.
Benny Konopka.
That's me.
I own the joint.
I do love a cowboy, especially one who's winning.
All right, Roy Rogers, let's see if your luck still holds.
You're a cowboy.
That's gonna be tough to beat.
WOMAN: Nice, nice.
- Dealer.
That's a tough break.
Well, keep playing.
Maybe you too can be a winner.
- Like me.
- Better luck next time, sugar.
Come on, sweetheart.
Hey, did you see that? He straight up cooled the guy.
It's like he's stealing luck.
He's stealing luck.
I'm telling you my my my friend, Slayton, he invited me here weeks ago.
I bet you anything it was before his luck got stolen.
But how did Mr.
Winner's Circle pull that off? - Like me.
- (DINGS) My money's on the pinkie ring.
Well, then we better go find our thief.
Absolu Come on, come on, come on, black.
- Red one.
- Oh, what the heck, man? That's red or green 21 spins in a row! 21 spins and not a single black number coming up? I mean, the odds of that are 2,097,152 to 1.
That violates every law of probability.
I'm gonna try it again.
Unless you got a way of figuring out where that little ball is going, you're gonna have to get lucky, just like everybody else.
You're right, but I am not like everyone else.
This wheel, it's off by 0.
065 degrees.
Factor in the applied torque and the starting position of the ball.
- Red 18 the winner.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! - BOTH: Yes! Yes! Yes! - I did it! I did it! Well, well, isn't that a little slice of wonderful, huh? Benny Konopka.
That's me.
- I own the joint.
- Like me.
Well, why don't you make yourself a bet? - Be somebody, kid.
- Don't mind if I do.
Feel a hot streak coming on.
So sad when they rely on luck.
- Red three the winner.
- (ALL CHEERING) Yes! Yes! Yes! I did it! Boo-yah! (SLOT MACHINES CHIRPING) What the hell is he doing? What are you doing, Jones? Me? I'm winning.
That's what.
(SLOT MACHINE BEEPING) Really? 'Cause it kinda looks like the opposite.
No, no, no.
Listen, if I line up all these machines in a row, - one of them has to - Jones! We don't have time for this.
We know what the artifact is and we need you to steal it.
It's a pinkie ring that steals your luck and turns you into a - pathetic loser.
- Hmm? No.
Me? No, no, no.
I I'm not the guy that loses.
I'm the guy that wins.
Listen to me, you can't win.
It's a machine.
Yes! Yes, it's it's a machine! And and I know how to handle machines.
Do you have a hex wrench? (EXASPERATED SIGH) - Swiss army knife? - That'll do.
Cover me.
All right, yes.
You're a machine.
- How you doing? (CHUCKLES) You cable, you think you know me, you don't know me.
Got it! (SLOT MACHINE BEEPING) (LAUGHING) Don't you ever feel like you can beat Ezekiel Jones.
You feel better about yourself now? I actually actually, I do.
Great! Let's go get that ring.
Wait! Are we just gonna leave the money there, guys? What's going on, Benny? I don't know! We cooled her, I know we did.
Oh! My! God! I know who you are, and I know who you are.
"Don't miss your chance to be a winner like me.
" Very good.
Listen, we're in a big hurry, okay? So I hope you're not in a hurry at all.
We are.
Didn't I tell him we Well, look, just in case you're not in a hurry, I was just asking if it's possible I promise I never do this Can I please get your autograph, please? It's just you guys are like the Jay-Z and Beyoncé of the casino/racetrack world.
- Foreigners are awfully cute.
- Just make it quick, okay? - Will you please - To E, Z, oh, okay.
Never mind.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Here you are.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, big thrill, okay.
- Okay, listen, we'll - (ALL CHEERING) - Oh, no! Okay, look - Yes! I know I cooled her.
I know I did.
It didn't take.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, gosh.
My ring.
My pinkie ring.
- Where is it? What are you - Where's my pinkie ring? Whatcha doin'? Uh, just, uh, concentrating, sir.
- Team back yet? - No, sir, not yet.
But shouldn't you be with them? I think they're on to something.
No, no.
I need to spend some time here in the nerve center.
On the bridge.
After I we tether to the Library, this that out there will be my new domain forever.
Getting pretty excited about it.
Forgive me if I sound a little dubious, sir, but poppycock.
Poppycock? Yes, your overexuberance, bit of a giveaway, sounds a little more like fear.
(SCOFFS) Of what? That if you leave, you'll never return.
Jenkins, your powers of observation are usually so astute.
But I think they're misplaced here.
I simply want to familiarize myself with the levers of power Of the Library.
Oh, forgive me, which I need to set a door for the Colonel.
- Oh, I can do that.
- Well, sir I need to familiarize myself with the levers of power in the Library.
Yeah, I don't know.
- (SIGHS) - You sure this is where Jenkins said he'd set the door? I'm sure.
Hang on, I'll call him.
And no service.
Casinos are all dead zones.
You gotta keep the gamblers gambling.
FLYNN: I'll bet you wish you didn't need a phone to communicate.
(CHUCKLES) (DISTORTED) I told you this was so much better, and as you can see, I've figured it out.
(SIGHS) Where's Jenkins? We need the door.
He's making some minor repairs to that back door right now.
He'll have it up and running in no time.
Well, maybe a little time.
Little time.
- We need a hot artifact check.
- Oh.
Uh, yes.
Uh, well, since someone, uh, almost broke the globe by projecting on its reflective base, we will need to field test the item.
Hold it up to the glass, please.
Uh, well, the cameo stone looks like It's the Roman goddess Fortuna, the goddess of Luck.
I think you're on to something.
Now, so we'll need some naphazaline, hydrochloride, an ethanol solution, and a magnet.
Do you have eye drops, an ATM card, and a beer? Oh.
Drop the stone in.
Is that good or bad? Mm, no.
Not till St.
Patrick's Day, but no magic, no.
None? Are you sure? Yeah, well, no.
It's not an exact science.
Miss Cillian could perfect it.
By the way, where's Miss Cillian? (ALL CHEERING) Benny, forget about the ring.
Look! Yes! Yes! Come to mama.
Do you realize were losing? I can't even watch.
Deal with it, Benny.
All right, boys.
We've obviously got a crossroader here.
Bring her down to the counting room.
It's time for a workout.
And find my ring! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! (GRUNTS) Whoa.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Where are they taking her? You take somebody out of a casino like that some place bad.
All right.
We always like to give any kind of cheater a chance to come clean.
We don't want to hurt you.
You know that, don't you? So, what's your scam? No scam.
Math? There's no math in roulette.
It's just numbers.
You're a grifter, and I want to know your play.
Actually, there's math in everything, so What is that? Is it a chainsaw? No.
It's a baritone sax.
You ever hear one of these things? It's really annoying.
But it covers the noise in case we gotta break your fingers.
There's something I need to tell you.
I'm a Librarian.
(LAUGHTER) (EXHALES SHARPLY) Why does anyone even try that anymore? All right, that's enough.
A Librarian, huh? All right, what's it gonna be, huh? Truth? Or dare me to do something terrible? (HEART BEATING RAPIDLY) Look, it's not like I'm some fancy d-26 polygraph machine, more like a really good analog one, but I can count to 181, which is your current heart rate, which leads me to believe that you're having a panic attack, so I'm guessing that you're not really a tough guy.
- Yes, I am.
- FELICITY: Enough! I've been waiting for you for 2,700 years.
Who sent you? Jupiter? I think you're confusing me with someone who's really old.
This isn't Rome.
They don't revere witches here in America.
They burn them.
But, no, actually they they don't not anymore.
- I mean, they used to years ago.
- Shut up, fool! Yes, Fortuna.
Fortuna? The Roman goddess of luck? I will ask you again, did Jupiter send you? Or was it that goody-goody Minerva? Jupiter, Minerva, Fortuna.
Actually, it was Saturn.
That bastard.
Not him, not you, nobody is going to trap me back in a statue.
I am done with being put on a pedestal.
You don't know what it's like standing up there.
Half-naked men pawing at you, throwing coins.
- Or do you? - No.
Okay, so what do we know? It's not the ring, it's her.
Apparently she's a Roman goddess.
She's almost 3,000 years old.
- She was stuck in a statue.
- Boom.
Living artifact.
Okay, so she's stealing people's luck.
How? Legend has it Fortuna used to upset people's luck by kissing them.
What? So she has to go and kiss everyone on the race track and casino? Girl gets around.
The fourth leg of horse racing's grand slam.
- Don't miss your chance - That girl does.
And I know just how she's doing it.
- There's the kiss.
- That's a magic kiss.
It uses the electromagnetic radiation of the screens.
People are getting infected with bad luck just looking at her.
Guys, small point, but aren't we looking at her? We've got to save Cassandra before they barbecue her.
Hey! (BOTH GRUNTING) Wet floor.
How unlucky.
(ALL GRUNTING) Don't miss your chance to become a winner like me.
(DINGS) That's why they're immune.
How come it's not affecting you? Uh, I guess I broke the spell when I hacked the machine.
How the hell do you hack a fight? We're trying to hit these guys, right? Try not hitting them.
Just do it.
(GRUNTS) - Yo! - a winner like me.
Hit Cassandra! - What? - What? Punch Cassandra in the face.
Do it! Hit her hard! Hit her! Hit her! Punch her in the face! (GRUNTS) - We beat the spell.
- Wait, the spell's broken? Uh, guys? Um, guys? CASSANDRA: No, Fortuna's goals have nothing to do with money.
She wants to be a god again.
I heard her say something about being in the circle for the bandwidth.
She wants to be able to spread her power outside the casino.
She used the electromagnetic waves from the screens bandwidth.
In the circle.
(GROANING) The circle is the winner's circle.
She's gonna throw a kiss on live TV.
The race is being broadcast across the country.
She's gonna steal the luck of millions.
CASSANDRA: Think of the multiplier effect.
And with life itself just being a series of genetic coincidences We're lucky to be alive.
And the absence of luck is death.
We have to stop her.
Her kiss could wipe out humanity.
Escaped? Well, they said that she had a lot of help.
The entire coven must have time-traveled.
This has Saturn's sickle-prints all over it.
He is working with Jupiter to try to stop me.
Haters! You take that fortune you've been squirreling away and hire more men, bad men.
Round up the entire coven and this time, burn them! Okay, you might want to consider a rethink.
Okay, we'll we'll consolidate our gains.
Uh, we could invest, okay? That's power in the real world.
(GRUNTS) Do you see what they're doing to me? I will die before I go back on a pedestal, but I will make you wish that you had died first.
If only we knew more.
What's her motivation? FLYNN: Funny you should ask.
We have just come into a very important piece of information.
As it turns out, Jenkins was friends with a Second-Century Etruscan holy man who told him (DISTORTED SPEAKING) Flynn, you're making us nuts.
- Sorry.
- JENKINS: Colonel, down here.
Yes, now, according to Walo, Jupiter set up a competition between his four favorites: Saturn, Mars, Minerva, and Fortuna to see who would rule over the affairs of mankind.
Fortuna won and she declared thenceforth that the world would be ruled by luck.
No more choice or judgment or self-determination.
In other words, utter chaos would ensue.
Jupiter realized his mistake, reneged on the deal, and demoted Fortuna.
Jupiter transformed her into a disembodied spirit, doomed for all time to exist in the gambling halls of humankind.
As punishment for trying to rule the world through luck, she is forced to exist in the world's casinos.
Wait, so Fortuna's big plan is to deal death and destruction? No, now her big plan is to try to rule the world through the carnage of luck.
Which would include a lot of death and destruction, so yeah.
So how did she become a statue? A ley line runs right underneath the race track.
Somehow she figured out a way to upload herself into her own statue and take physical form again.
What we don't know is how the statue was reanimated.
- Or how to re-statue-ize her.
- Ahem.
So the only way to stop her now is to keep her off camera? Absolutely.
The broadcast is the key to her scheme.
Stop it and you stop her.
The race starts in 45 minutes.
We can do this.
FLYNN: I wish I could be there.
I would be if I cou Yes, but, uh, I better get back to working on the door, otherwise, hmm, you'll be walking home from the Rockies.
FLYNN: Signing off.
So here's the plan.
There's 12 cameras around the track.
We'll split up and disable three each.
No cameras, no broadcast, no kiss.
- What if they're being guarded? - No, Fortuna doesn't have enough goons to guard them all.
There's more of us than there are of (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Could have been a little off on the math.
What's this? It's not us.
(CHUCKLES) Could have a passing resemblance.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down.
Calm down.
You don't get paid if you tear them limb from limb.
There's a very specific way to do this.
Ooh, did that truck just back into a motorcycle? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Go! Go! Where'd they go? Get 'em! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) In here.
Come on, this way.
Guys, you gotta help me.
Help you? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't tear your ear off right now.
It does only take seven pounds of pressure.
Oh, please.
I'm not who you think I am, okay? I'm just a bookkeeper with a gambling problem.
Every day, I'd rub the statue out front just praying for a payday.
One night, I rubbed the statue, okay, and she comes to life.
And I won and I won and I won and I won.
I won so much, I wound up owning the place.
All of those desperate people, all of that magical thinking.
It must have infused itself into the statue.
I made a deal with a devil woman.
And as long as she's flesh and blood, I'm her servant.
I can't take it anymore.
Honest to God, you can have it all.
(SCOFFS) We don't want your money.
Uh, we don't? Oh.
We we don't.
I hired those goons, okay? And if we don't hurry up, they're probably already telling her that I've double-crossed her.
Help us take out the cameras.
No, it's too late.
They're they're too heavily guarded.
She's hired an army of the most horrible people in the world.
Oh, what am I gonna do? All right, all right.
if we can't take out the cameras, how do we stop the kiss? Think, Benny.
Come on, think! Well, I'm not gonna hit you.
No, but somebody has.
That's one heck of a backhand.
It was her.
Parts of her body are turning into bronze.
It's quite a knuckle duster.
Wait, why is she turning back to bronze? When did that happen? When you started winning.
That's it.
When Cassandra broke the bad luck curse, she regained her good luck back from Fortuna.
She needs the luck to stay alive.
So we just need to help other people beat their bad luck, draining the life from her, turning her back to all statue-y.
A mass curse buster.
So how do we do that? Okay, if we can get enough people to do exactly what you did at that table but but you're the only you.
- Thank you.
- Right, right.
Um, how is it that you beat luck? I mean, besides having otherworldly talent, of course.
We'll secretly rig the race track and casino to cheat lady luck herself.
I like it.
Quisling! That heap of fimus! Jupiter must have made him a better deal.
Forget about the race.
We go before the cameras now.
Guys, the puckering is happening ahead of schedule.
The kiss is coming.
I repeat, the kiss is coming now.
ANNOUNCER: Five minutes to post.
All riders, five minutes to post.
Guys, it's such an exciting day.
I want you to see this before you mount up.
Come on, gather around.
Take a look.
Check this out, homie.
Sunglass company wants to give you an endorsement.
Hmm? Better than goggles.
Check 'em out.
Don't miss your chance to become a winner - (SHIMMERING, DINGS) - Like me.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (TRUMPET BLARING) - Oh! - Are you all right, ma'am? Keep moving! Go secure the area.
Come on! All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, the machines will be fixed in just a moment, okay? Okay? Here here we go right here.
Where have you been, man? I've been stalling as long as I can.
All right, cool your jets.
I was in the casino.
Those rigged gaming machines don't rig themselves.
You got your card? (BEEPING) All right, I'm in.
All right, roll right up, roll right up, and place your bets.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Just like that, everybody's a winner.
ANNOUNCER: And the horses are approaching the starting gate.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Over here! (GRUNTS) Yes, over I command you.
Right here.
Make him point the camera at me.
ANNOUNCER: It's time for the call to post.
- FORTUNA: Make him do it.
- Go on, get outta here! Move it! Move! Lady, you got a lot of brass.
- You're too late.
- ANNOUNCER: They're all tight.
- (BELL RINGING) - And they're off! Hey, what the? The horses are just wandering around the gate.
Wait, Metro Randy in the number seven red silks is up and running! Looks like your luck's running out.
I don't need luck.
I am luck.
- (CLANGS) - Ow! - (CLANGS) - (GRUNTS) Turn the camera to me, you idiot! (BOTH GRUNTING) What the hell? I bet the two horse, my ticket says seven.
- So does mine.
- Mine say seven, too.
ANNOUNCER: It's still only the number seven horse all by himself on the back stretch.
And she's winning.
Every ticket is seven.
What are the odds of that? Red, black, red, black, red.
Put your money on red 14.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - No more bets.
No more bets.
ANNOUNCER: Finally the number four horse FORTUNA: Turn it to me.
Hurry up.
You idiot.
ANNOUNCER: Lady Dionne is against the rail giving everything she has.
Right now! It's Lady Dionne and lucky number seven.
Start filming! You only have to turn it on! Lucky number seven still holding on! No.
(ALL CHEERING) ANNOUNCER: It's Metro Randy, lucky number seven still in the lead - Fortuna, kiss off.
- As they charge over the stretch run.
- No! - It's going to be close.
And it's Metro Randy, number seven by a nose.
(ALL CHEERING) (GRUNTING) I'm just saying I feel sorry for her.
I mean, she turned out bad, but she didn't start off that way.
Even the Pantheon has a glass ceiling.
Yeah, but there's bad, and then there's destroy-the-world bad.
At that point, it doesn't even matter what your reasons are.
Oh, I don't know.
A powerful woman obvious threat to the power structure.
Just imagine.
Yes, well, I don't think the statue should be anywhere near the Toaster.
I will take it down to storage.
It is the responsible thing to do.
- I don't count? - You count.
You count.
And then, literally, five minutes after the race was over, the doctor said I started responding to the antibiotics.
- That's crazy, isn't it? - Yeah, man.
And when I got home, I found out Benny Konopka had signed her back over to me.
(CHUCKLES) And how do you explain that? But, you know, it made me think.
You only get one shot at life.
Jake, stop throwing yours away, man.
You got so much potential, man.
You could be so much more.
Slayton, what happened here at the race track, what happened with you, that wasn't just luck.
What was it then? Payback.
Hmm? (SCOFFS) You know why? 'Cause you're one of the good guys.
(LAUGHING) So are you, man.
I mean what I said, Jake.
You could be so much more.
I think I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing.
- (CHUCKLES) - Hmm? - Yeah.
- It's working for me.