The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e04 Episode Script

Mad Dog Tim; Monday Night Confession

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Yo.
- You guys want any coffee? I'm gonna run out real quick.
Oh, Timothy, you are just too sweet.
- A little bit.
- Well I would love a grande mochaccino.
- Grande mochaccino.
- And I will take a large vanilla latte as well as a meatball sub with extra meatballs, toasted They don't have those at the coffee shop.
with provolone.
- Timothy.
- Yeah? - I need to see you.
- Me? - You, Timothy, in my office.
Couch.
Sit.
Now.
Come, Timothy.
Dude, did you do something wrong? L uh, I apparently did.
He sounds very mad.
Oh, who's the best boy in the world? Keith is.
That's right.
Daddy loves Keith.
You, uh, wanted to see me? - Oh, Timothy, yes.
- Yes? As you can see, I brought Keith in today even though, as we all know, the building strictly forbids dogs.
- Yeah? - And even though I'm the boss, I'm not exempt from the rules.
Now the last thing I need is Marie from "H&R" that means Human Resources - giving me a hard time about this.
- Wh where do I come in? Well on our way out of the elevators sweet Keith here innocently pooped on the rug.
- He pooped.
- Defecated.
No, I understand what you mean, I just don't know what you - what you want me to do.
- Well - I don't have to clean it up, do I? - No no no no.
Somebody else can clean it up.
Don't worry about it.
- Great.
- I want you to say you did it.
Say I did it? Tell everyone you took a poop on the rug.
- No.
No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't say that.
People would remember that.
- Mmm.
- I think that story could catch on.
Listen.
Just go to everyone individually, as a group, however you want to do it and say, "Hey, I took a poop on the rug by the elevators, now let's all just move on with our lives.
" - I don't think it's that simple.
- Well, I just said it.
That's just not a good career move.
- Oh, no, it really is - That could bury me.
a strong bold statement, saying, "I'm here.
" Listen.
I would consider this a personal favor.
Capisce? I guess the business world is all about favors.
You've made a very very wise choice here.
It doesn't feel like it.
Can I have everyone's attention in this area, please? - Oh, boy.
- Evidently, one of you decided to bring in a dog today.
I need to know who that person is.
Building management wants the dog out.
Unbelievable.
Strictly against policy.
Come on, people.
I need to see the pooch.
I don't want to have to conduct a search.
You know what? I have a confession to make.
L I did it.
- You did it? - I did it.
I don't know what "I did it" means.
- It means I did - It? - It was me.
- What does that mean? - If I may? - What does it mean? I think we all Look, I think Tim, if I could take this? - Thank you.
I appreciate that.
- Certainly.
I think what Tim is what Tim is trying to say here is that he took a dump by the elevator.
Back to work.
Dude.
That is messed up, man.
- Tim, why on earth would you do that? - Disgusting.
- Wh why? - Why? Just just I'm busy.
I'm this is New York.
Fast-paced fast-paced business world.
I don't have time to What does New York have to do with I don't have time to be using public restrooms every day.
Is this some kind of a joke? A joke? No, it's just a an attitude, an overall attitude, a rebellious attitude.
I'm Tim and I, uh Poop where you want.
You don't like it? That's the way I am.
- Tim.
- Yeah? - That was brilliant.
- You thought so? Oh, you handled that, oh, with a lot of class.
Cla I don't think class is the right word.
Everyone is talking about how you behaved with nothing but class and dignity.
L I don't think that's what they're saying.
Oh, they are.
I can hear them.
- Yeah? - Listen.
I want one more little favor - from you and you're done.
- One more no.
- No, it's gotta stop.
- No, it will, right after this.
You just take Keith downstairs for a quick little walk, - so we get no more accidents - No.
No more then we're all done.
- I thought I was done.
- No, just this one little thing.
- One more thing.
Right right right.
Just walk him, scoop up his poop in your hand and then you're done.
And if he does anything else between here and the outside area, just claim responsibility for it like you did so classily before.
- Anything Keith does - You did.
I guess how much worse can it get? Well, that's that's a question for Keith.
He is his own man, you know.
- Hey, Keith.
- How's it going? - That was me, that wasn't Keith.
- That was you.
Right.
Listen, he means the world to me - Yeah.
so just stuff his head back into that duffel bag and get the hell out of here.
Helen.
Oh, hi, Timothy.
How was the mochaccino? - Ooh, it was lovely.
- That's good.
Delish.
Oh.
Tim.
What was that? Was that you? Tim, your bag is barking.
- No, I think it was you.
- No.
Maybe it was me.
I cough funny.
- What? - I cough like a dog like a small dog.
- You know yeah.
- That's a weird cough.
It's bugging me.
- It's really irritating me.
- I think someone has a little pooch in the office today which is against the rules.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, come on, let him out.
- No, I can't.
- No, let me see this cute little guy.
- There's strict rules.
- Oh, I just want to pet him.
Okay, come on out Keith.
- There he is.
- Oh, come here, Keithy.
Look, he's smiling at me.
The son of a bitch bit me! Oh God! Oh! No, you're fine.
She's fine.
- My ankle! - What happened in here? - Nothing nothing to see here.
- Bit me! This woman's bleeding pretty badly.
That? What, 'cause there's a trail of blood? We need to get her to a hospital, stat.
- Oh, God! Oh! - Come with me, ma'am.
- Let's go.
- Nah, she looks okay.
It's not that it's not that bad.
What exactly happened in there, sir? - It was just the two of us.
- Yeah, I saw that.
Then? Then then I bit Helen.
Tim.
- It's not good.
- No, it's not good.
Exactly.
Finally you're right about something.
What exactly did you say to the security man? The quote was "I bit Helen.
" - Okay.
- And then I ran up the stairs.
- Okay.
- I panicked.
I'll admit it.
Okay okay okay.
Listen, we can work with this.
That's pretty classy thinking.
We need reasons, we need motives why you would bite Helen.
We could say it was a sexual thing, some kind of crazy, perverted sexual advance gone I mean, you like Helen, right? - It went wrong.
- No no, I don't like that.
Between that and the pooping, my reputation here is - Classy.
Listen.
- It's it's not the way Okay, plan B: We could say that you have fits of rage - No.
No.
you are mentally totally unbalanced and you need mental treatment.
Done.
Problem solved.
I was just thinking that we could admit that it was Keith and then you stop bringing Keith into work.
No, it's an awful idea.
That's the best solution on the table.
No, not if "biting" is involved, because this has legal ramifications for sweet Keith.
I'm afraid they'll have to put the little guy down and that is not going to happen.
Is it, Keith? - No, Keith is a good boy.
- He's not a good boy.
- You realize that, right? - Okay, Tim, listen.
Here's the plan: I will talk to Helen, I will make sure she plays along; you take responsibility for the bite and I give you a 10% pay raise.
Deal.
- 10%? - Pay raise.
And I just say I bit her.
- Who bit Helen? - I bit Helen.
Bingo.
Who's a good boy? - Me.
- What? - Tim's a good boy? - I was talking to Keith, but yeah.
- Oh oh oh.
- No, you're a good boy.
I'm a good boy too.
Dude, you dropped a deuce on the carpet? - No, I did not do that.
- And you bit a woman in the ankle.
I didn't do either of those things.
I'm watching the boss's dog.
- Aha.
- Yeah, Keith is out of control.
You're covering for him.
His dog's name is Keith? - Yeah.
Keith, yeah.
- That's a person's name.
I'm gonna blow the whistle, though.
Everyone's giving me weird looks.
- No no no no.
No whistle blow.
- Why? Because those weird looks are looks of fear and respect.
Those are two looks you've just never seen before.
Because I took a dump on the floor? Because everyone thinks you're a badass.
- Really? - Yeah.
Do you know what people are calling you around the office now? - No.
- Mad Dog.
People are calling me Mad Dog? They say, "Watch out.
Stay away from Mad Dog" - Really? - "'cause he'll bite your face off and poop down your throat.
" I don't think that's what I want people to think when they see me.
Well, you clearly have not read any of Donald Trump's books.
Hey hey.
Hey there, Mad Dog.
Looking good.
You want something to eat, drink? What can I get you? - Yeah, sure.
I'll get a Coke.
- Coke.
Coming right up.
- And for me a pina colada.
- You? Who the hell are you? I'm part of the posse.
Don't ask questions.
Oh, posse.
Okay, coming right up.
Tim, this is awesome.
- Yeah? - We can do anything.
Watch this.
- Hey, old man, give me your pencil.
- Pencil coming right up.
- Here you go.
- See? - We're running things now.
- We got a free pencil.
You should've started biting people years ago.
- This is amazing.
- Let's get this meeting started.
I just want to go over where we left of last week then review some of the more recent research findings.
Why don't we review the findings of you sitting your ass down? - Uh, excuse me? - You heard me.
Tim here is running the show now.
- Oh.
- I'm afraid he's right.
- Why don't you have a seat? - Okay.
- I got no problem with you, man.
- Let me take over.
Let me review these documents.
Unacceptable.
Incompetent.
I'm just gonna wing it.
I know I have a reputation around this place, but listen, I don't want to run this meeting out of fear.
- Hm-mmm.
- Don't live in fear of me pulling my pants down and taking a poop next to your cubicle.
- I'm not going to do that.
- But he will - I might.
I might.
if he needs to.
If I think it's going to send the right message.
If he needs to just - fucking show you what's what.
- Don't think I won't.
- Don't think I won't bite you.
- He has done it.
I bit Helen.
She's feeling the pain right now.
- She's paying the price.
- The price was right.
Yeah, I just want a little respect or my mouth will be on your leg.
- Do I make myself clear? - Hey, everybody.
- Looks who's back.
It's Helen.
- Hi, everyone.
- Oh, hi, Tim.
- Hey.
Just had to get a few stitches.
Wait, you two are on speaking terms? Why wouldn't we be on speaking terms? I don't hold it against Tim.
Tim's a lovely boy.
Yeah, a lovely boy that bit you.
- Tim bit me? Oh, no.
- Reme remember? - A cute little doggy bit me.
- No.
- What? - You've got mail.
Oh, guys, I've got to go check AOL Later.
I thought I bit you, Helen.
- No no no.
- Did you lose a lot of blood? - I think you're not remembering.
- No, the doggy bit me, and then Tim started panicking and whimpering.
He was just like a little girl.
"Mommy mommy mommy.
" It was just so cute.
You know I think you're right.
The dog bit you.
I don't know why I thought I bit you.
That's a I've remembered that very inaccurately.
- Tim.
- Yeah? Why on earth would you take credit for biting Helen? Um, yeah, I shouldn't have done that.
- That is just bizarre.
- You can keep calling me Mad Dog.
- We can just stick with that.
- No, we'll go back to Tim the Idiot.
- That sounds better.
- Doesn't instill fear.
Douche-bag Tim.
How's that? No, these are not good nicknames.
How about Thumb-in-my-ass Tim? Yeah, it's like Tim, but I've got a big thumb up his ass.
Thumb-in-my-ass Tim? I'd just as soon not even have a nickname.
Hey, buddy, anybody sitting here? No no, help yourself.
I'm Tim by the way.
Oh, no introduction needed, my friend.
I know who you are.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
No, I'm Amy's sister's husband.
You objected at my wedding.
Oh! I've got to apologize for that.
Oh, please don't.
Classic.
Are you kidding me? - I thought it was the joke of the year.
- That's good.
Tell you something, Tim: We are two lucky guys.
- Yeah? Why's that? - The ladies in our lives.
You know, that's true.
They're a really nice family.
Mm-hmm.
Just take a look around.
I mean, I mean every single woman in the family just has a spectacular ass.
We're in church you realize? My wife great ass.
Her mom smoking butt.
- You realize we're at a baptism? - Even Aunt Betty.
I mean, she's not a thin woman by any means fat, definitely old but she still can work it out.
I never looked at her that way, but I cannot argue with that.
- Hm-mmm.
- She knows how to work it.
Very nice.
Now if we could please bring young baby Melissa to the baptizing area and lay her sweet little head on the cloth.
Okay.
I would like for Amy's sister to bless this holy water.
Immerse your hands, dear, then feel free to dry them off on your clothing.
That's it.
We'll wait until she's done drying.
Very good.
Now since we have a baby girl in our presence, I want each woman in the family to bend over and pick up a single rose petal from the floor - Is this happening? - That's it, ladies.
Don't be shy.
Wow.
Holy shit.
Oh my.
We appear to have spilled some holy water.
Would one of the young women be so kind as to get down on all fours and clean up the spill, please? What kind of baptism is this? Hey, I know this is a special moment and all - Yeah? but can't you just picture them all naked? I can.
I totally can.
Thank you, ladies.
You may now return to your seats so we may begin.
So what did you think? - How did we look up there? - Oh, you looked so good.
Aunt Betty looked good too.
They all just firing on all cylinders.
Well, thank you so much for coming.
Hope to see you soon.
Oh, Timbo.
There he is.
- Hey.
- How's it going, buddy? - Good.
Good baptism.
- It was great, wasn't it? Bitchen baptism.
I haven't seen you since Amy's sister's wedding.
- Is that right? - It is right.
I thought you quit this job.
Mmm.
That's a story.
- Yeah? - I tried to but the church said they can't afford to lose any more priests.
- Really? - Yeah, so they made me a sweet counteroffer my friend.
- The church does that? - They sure do.
They're a lot like the Yankees, Tim threw the cash at me.
Now I've got a loft in Tribeca and I'm dating this redhead named Tina.
And you're you're still a priest? Hell yeah, I'm a priest.
I'm on the payroll, Timmy.
And you're dating a redhead.
- Yeah.
- All right, good for you, I guess.
- Hey, listen, Tim.
- Yeah? Why don't you come by my place tomorrow night? - No.
- I do this thing called Monday Night Confession - and you would love it.
- It's like Monday Night Football? It's not like Monday Night Football, Tim it is.
We watch the game, we pound beers and then confess at halftime.
- No, you can't - Why not? - I don't understand.
- Most churches don't have you - pound beers before you - Oh boy.
Did you become a priest? - No.
- You need to relax, Tim.
They mention beer in the big book.
It's just like the vino.
- I just don't think they pounded it.
- Yes, they did.
Moses 17:21, "Ezekiel, son of Zechariah, pounding a sixer on the mount of the holies.
" Don't you worry about it.
It's in there.
- I'm gonna assume that's not in there.
- So you're coming? - I'll be there.
- All right.
- Why not? - Hey, bring a friend.
Are you sure that that priest lives here? It is a swanky loft for a priest.
This is where I picture Don Johnson living.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- You here for the confesh? Yeah, we're the priest lives here, right? Yeah, he's in the back.
Hon? Whoa! Hey there, playas.
Welcome to the love shack.
Take off your shoes, grab a brew and be somebody.
This is a lot to take in at once.
- Mm-hmm.
- You going to introduce me, hon? Oh, sorry, baby.
Sorry, sweet cheeks.
- This is my beautiful girlfriend Tina.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
- Hey, Tina.
- Tina, the pleasure is mine.
I'm Stu.
- Hi, Stu.
- Wow, you guys met in church? No, we hooked up at a Corvette dealership in Long Island.
- That's right.
- I was posing on the hood of a car, heard someone say, "Holy shit, that girl's hot.
" Guilty as charged.
Yeah, you can say I found religion that day, right, God man? Well, the rest is history.
- That's a great story.
- Isn't she a dumpling? - Wow.
- A really nice story.
Maybe I'll become a priest corvette, loft and a girlfriend who chews gum.
- Yeah.
- You want a piece - Yeah yeah.
of gum? She is naughty.
- I get it.
- Come on, let's confess.
- Nice play.
- Oh, nice.
- Wow.
- Great half.
What an impressive game - two teams going head to head.
- I love football.
Okay, halftime.
Let's do some confessing.
- Tina, why don't you start? - Oh! It's always me.
All right.
Um, sins, sins.
So many.
Oh, okay.
Last week when you were out of town on that thing I sold all your Bibles on eBay and I used the money to buy coke.
- Hmm.
- What? - This is really happening.
- Should we leave? That is quite a sin, Tina, but do you see the error of your ways? - Yeah.
- Then all is forgiven, baby.
- No.
- Say two "Hail Marys" and you are good to go, my little sweet lump.
I need to interject there.
That's a pretty big sin.
We Tim all you need to do is be honest.
That's all you need to do.
Stu.
- Stuey-ooey.
- Come on, big dude.
- Spill it.
- All right.
I don't know if this is really a sin or not, but I was getting baked in a warehouse last week, and when I was leaving I saw that it was on fire.
And I don't know if it was me, but 'cause it could've been the kids in the school next door.
- Stu.
- I saw that on the news.
- There's no school next door.
- That was you? You think you burned down a warehouse.
That's the sin? - I think so.
- It's a gray area - Thank you.
because we're not sure - if you burned the warehouse down.
- No.
No.
Just because you're leaving when it's on fire doesn't mean anything.
Let's check with the Lord.
- Lord - No whammies, no whammies.
is Stu forgiven? - Drumroll, please.
- He can't be.
- Sounds like a yes to me.
- Whoo! Yes! - If you don't hear anything, it's good.
- Off the hook, Stu.
- No "Hail Marys.
" That one's on the house.
Give it up high, buddy.
- Thanks, bud.
- I think you're being a bit easy here.
- Tim.
- Yeah? Keep your nose out of our business.
There's no judgment here, Tim.
- You can feel free to express yourself.
- All right, all right.
- Who's up? - Uh, me.
You? Do you have any sins? You're a priest.
Listen up.
Last Tuesday I went into an Oriental massage parlor and received what is known as a "handjob," then I ran out without paying.
- And that's that.
- I did not expect to hear that.
- No.
- Okey-dokey.
I'm going to give myself eight "Hail Marys" and a big gold bucket of nothing else.
- I'm off the hook, clean slate.
- What? - Eight? - That's it.
- Eight is not a lot.
- It's more than seven.
- You got a handjob and ran away.
- It doesn't matter.
I confessed.
I have a clean slate.
I don't think it works like that.
I don't think you know what you're talking about, because I'm a priest and you're not.
- It's your turn, Tim.
- Honestly, I don't I don't have anything that's on a par with your guys' things.
- I think I'm out of my league.
- Really, Tim? Try us, Tim.
No one's passing judgment on your stories.
Whatever you've got, it's gonna be okay.
Get it off your chest.
All right, this is a little silly.
I guess it counts.
The other day I jerked off in the bathroom.
- Oh.
That's fine.
- That's understandable.
- That's good.
- That's a good one.
Good to jerk off every once in a while, Tim.
- Gotta relieve the pressure, you know? - Absolutely, Tina.
That's good.
It's actually a funny story.
It was after your baptism there.
- It - I'm so I'm sorry? Yeah, that's when when it happened.
I went in the lobby bathroom.
- The lobby at a church? - Oh my God.
- Just the lobby.
- In church? - No.
- No? - In front of Christ? - It was a public restroom.
Public restroom in church, Tim.
Why do you keep saying the word "church"? Because it was in church in which you jerked off.
The bathroom lobby does not count as church.
You're making it sound like I did something weird.
- The lobby isn't part of the church? - No, it's the lobby.
There's a giant crucifix right in the lobby.
- I think I'm going to vomit.
- "Welcome to Church.
" - That's what the sign says.
- No no no.
- There was no stained glass.
- "No stained glass"? Where I come from, if there's no stained glass, you're home free.
Honey, take my gum.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Tim, you need to fix this.
- Yeah? - Who was in your thoughts as you performed this unspeakable act? It was, um Amy's mom - Oh Lord.
Amy's grandmother - God help me.
- Wow.
Amy's a couple of aunts - Sweet merciful Jesus.
and one or two of the cousins.
This just keeps getting worse and worse.
- All of the women in the church.
- Just stop.
- Stop.
- I'm actually impressed now, 'cause this is now the sin of all sins.
- Stop saying that.
- The whole family was involved.
Well, we need to go to the family right now and come clean.
- No, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh, it has to happen, Tim.
This will never be spoken of outside of the safe area here.
No, it will be spoken from the heights and from the tops of buildings "Tim jerked off in church.
" I don't want you going to hell over this, Tim.
Hell? What am I missing here? You got a handjob and ran away without paying.
- Not in church, Tim.
- Not in church? No, at a designated handjob area.
And that makes it okay? Great.
Listen.
I'm willing to support you in this and go with you.
We'll get through this together as a group the three of us, the three amigos.
- What do you say? - I think I can be most supportive by - staying here and drinking your beer.
- Okay, that's fine.
Come on, Tim, let's hit the road.
Oh, hey, Tim.
- Hey, Amy.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to see your family off before they fly back.
Oh, that's sweet of you.
Come on in.
Hey, everyone, Tim's here.
- Hi, Tim.
- Hey, Tim.
Nice to see everyone.
And the priest came with me.
- The priest? - The priest is with me.
Hello.
Listen, everyone, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I know you have an early flight, but Tim has something special to say and he wants to share it with Amy and all the members of Amy's family, as well as his clergyman.
With that I'Il well, I'll give the floor to you, Tim.
Tim.
Is this what I think it is? Oh, my baby! Oh! - Are you proposing? - I need a hanky.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Go ahead.
Pretend we're not even here.
Um, let me just begin by saying that all of you women in this room have abnormally attractive rear ends.
- That didn't go so well.
- No.
No, it did not.
Well, I'll tell you what, Tim: Hopefully through all of this you've learned a lesson.
I guess the only lesson is you have to confess even if it's really difficult.
- No.
- No? I wouldn't say that's the lesson.
- What is it? - I'd say the lesson is: Don't ever tell a group of women - that you jerked off to them in church.
- That too.
Not something they want to hear, Tim.
Not something they want to hear.