The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e06 Episode Script

Bashko's Hairy Daughter; Tim's Not Singing

- Oh, hey, Bashko.
- Hello, my friend Tim.
I am here to fix toilet.
- That's good.
- And I brought someone with me today my daughter Blobsnark.
- Hello, Tim.
- Wow.
Pleasure to meet you.
Wow, you guys look startlingly similar.
Yes.
She has her mother's eyebrow, but she has my face, my neck, all my hair - All the good stuff.
- Yes.
Anything you can grab onto.
Daddy is training me to be superintendant.
- Nice.
- When I grow up, I'm going to fix toilets and kill rats and mop, just like him, the chip on block.
That's nice, I guess.
That's your dream? Dream? Well, no.
Uh, but Papa says I was born to clean toilets.
- You told her that? - Yes.
No, Blobsnark, you can do anything in life.
You just have to believe in yourself.
What is this you speak of? - Tim! - Believing in yourself.
Don't fill Blobsnark's head - with crazy ideas.
- Why? Blobsnark loves fixing toilets and mopping and taking her nails and going at the grout that builds up from human waste.
It's her passion.
Papa, l I wouldn't call it my passion.
L But Blobsnark, I thought you loved the toilets and the rats and the human waste.
Oh, Papa, who wouldn't? But this was always your dream, not mine.
- I have failed you.
- Papa, no! You know, it is "Take Your Daughter to Work" week where I work.
You could come in.
You could see what other career options might exist for you.
Me? You think I could be a businesswoman? I do.
You look like a businesswoman with a plunger.
- Can I, Papa? Can I? - Mmmm.
Papa, don't preach.
Okay, fine.
Tim, my daughter's future is in your hands.
That's where you want it to be.
Wow.
A conference room.
This is amazing, Tim.
Eh, pretty standard conference room.
How do you like the corporate world so far? - Like it? I love it! - Really? My dream is to someday be just like you, Tim a big successful business executive.
I am I am fairly successful.
Timothy, you incompetent buffoon.
What's this? I asked for a non-fat latte; you bring me a low-fat mochaccino.
A baboon could have performed this task with greater efficiency.
No, baboons can't make lattes.
Timothy, what is the difference between you and a baboon? - There's a lot of differences.
- Name three.
Listen up, everyone this is a vital piece of business strategy.
Oh, man.
Um, baboons live primarily outdoors.
Good.
Fine.
Write this down.
- Are you - Baboons they have red rear ends.
Red rear ends.
Good.
Uh, when you put me on the spot, I can't think of a third.
Exactly.
He can't think of a third, everyone.
Don't let this happen to you.
Let's get going with the meeting.
Is everyone here that harsh, Tim? No no, he's the boss.
He just needs to be firm.
Listen, the meeting's going to start.
I think you're really going to enjoy this.
Okay, people, let's huddle up here.
We have a very important day ahead of us.
I need to go around the room, have specific Power Points met.
Stanley, start us off.
Fuck! I dropped my burrito.
- What? - Jesus.
- I dropped my fucking burrito.
- Tim, get down there.
Mop up that burrito, stat.
- Me? - Yes, you.
- You're low man on the totem pole - I don't There's whole chunks of guacamole on my shoe.
Make sure you get that too.
Tim, get down there.
Get that guacamole.
This is a Fortune 500 company.
Can't have guacamole on Stanley's shoes.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
All right, while Tim deals with the filth, let's get back to business.
- Psst.
Tim? - Yeah? Are you a superintendent? Me? No.
Why do you say that? Because you are under the table cleaning up a burrito.
No.
I'm a businessman.
I'm an executive.
Okay.
Well, then, what is the difference between a superintendent and a business executive? I have email, 401(k) Tim, take off the blindfold.
So that was exciting.
- Tim? Tim? - A little corporate meeting.
Is it me, or does your job stink? No, don't say that.
You got to pay your dues, right? Tim, you have shattered my dreams and shown me the harsh reality that is your corporate world.
Thank you for teaching me not to have dreams.
No, that's not how it's supposed to happen.
- This is awful.
- Uh-oh, who is it? Stu.
What's up, Tim? Hey, Stu.
Listen, this is Blobsnark.
Blobsnark, Stu.
- Stu.
- What up? Uh, I'm showing her corporate America.
So how do you like it so far? If I may be frank, I would rather clean toilets.
That's a fair assessment.
- Listen - No.
- Why don't you guys tag along for lunch? Rick's client is taking us to Peter Luger's best steakhouse in the city.
- We can go? - Yeah! - On the corporate card.
- That's amazing.
Yeah.
So you'll get to see what a real New York business lunch is like.
Meet us downstairs in five? In five? How about three? Is Stu the boss? Boss? No, Stu is the guy who finds out where the free food is.
Uh-oh! Free garbage burrito.
- Wow.
Now this is exciting.
- Yeah.
It was so kind and generous of them to invite us.
That's the great thing about the corporate world you're gonna meet a different class of people.
You know, these men are business leaders, leaders in their community, in their churches - Wow! in their schools.
Hey! There they are.
Bang bang! What do you say we make a pass on the ribs and get some titties in our face? Ha ha ha! - All right! - Oh, this sounds like the thing to do.
- Yeah! - Absolutely.
- No.
Stu? - Yes? - We're having a business lunch.
- We're doing business.
No, it's "Take Your Daughter to Work" week.
It's "Take Your Dick to the Titty Bar" week.
Yeah! - Tim? - Love this guy.
Tim, I'm scared.
You know what, Stu? Why don't you guys go in without us? - What? - I'm Blobsnark's guardian.
I can't take her in there.
- All right.
I guess that makes sense.
- Yeah.
We'll see you on the rebound.
- All right, see ya.
- On the inside, man.
- All right, have fun.
- Oh, please, Tim, I want to see all the aspects of corporate America.
- Not this one.
- I am here to learn and absorb.
- Please allow me.
- Timmy, she is here to learn.
I guess she's here to learn.
- She's here to learn, dude.
- She's gonna learn about commerce.
I guess I guess it is a good lesson in commerce.
- People skills.
- The exchange of cash.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is that a go? Let's go.
All right.
You talked me into it.
You're a good dad.
Tim, what exactly is the strip club? What is a strip club? I thought you knew.
No, I don't, but it sounded like fun.
A strip club, uh you know, the women get on the stage and take their clothes off.
And then what? - Then what? - Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
They play with the boobs a little.
That would be the whole job? That's the job.
You get naked and then you're done Wait let me get this straight.
- Okay.
- Haa.
- You just wake up - Yeah.
- Stay naked, pack a lunch and go to work? Pretty much, yeah.
That is a great job.
That is better than your job, Tim.
Ooh! No, it's not better than my job.
I'm a corporate executive.
L I've got a 401(k).
Yeah, Tim, I'm gonna stop you.
Excuse me, how much money do you make? Um, money I make, like, 800 bucks a night.
- How much do you make? - I make about a 10th of that before taxes.
- I have found my calling.
- No no.
- This is it, Tim.
- No no.
I'm going to be a stripper.
I'm going to change my name to Cinnamon.
- What? - The hair on my back is standing up.
- No, relax, Cinnamon.
- I can finally use my thighs! - I love you, baby! - What's he saying? I want to eat shrimp scampi off your ass.
Everyone is so supportive.
It is like a horny support group.
No, that's not supportive.
That's disgusting.
Tim, you told me I needed to believe in myself and I believe that I can do this.
I believe that I was born to work the pole.
You know what? You have my blessing.
- Tim! - You have my blessing.
- Tim! - Let's do it.
Make me proud.
Mmm! Yum! All right, and that was Bambi, gents.
Put your meat-hooks together.
Ooh, hold on.
Seems to be a change in the lineup.
Who's this? Okay, let's give her a nice big hand, for Blobsnark.
Hello.
I am Blobsnark and I'm here to strip for you.
Are you a 40-year-old man? No, I am a young woman blossoming before your eyes.
Now I'm going to take off my pantsuit and show you my thighs and personal regions.
Uh, can I get another drink? So how'd it go with Blobsnark today at the office? Honestly, I think it was great.
- Really? - I exposed her to new career options.
- That's great.
- If that's the goal of the program, I think it was a success.
- Tim.
- Hey, Bashko.
- Tim, I have a question for you.
- Okay.
Why does my daughter want to be a stripper? A stripper? No no.
- Yes.
- She wants to be a regional sales exec.
- No.
- No? Stripper? Remember, Tim? You took me to the strip club.
- Tim! - That was the job I liked best.
You took her to a strip club? I was trying to help her follow her dreams, you know? Some people want to climb the corporate ladder, some want to climb the pole.
It's a different way to take it, you know? As long as you're climbing something.
Tim, I think you need to apologize to the whole family.
Right now.
All right.
Bashko? I'd like to apologize for taking your daughter to a topless and bottomless strip club - Ooh! on "Take Your Daughter to Work" day.
That was poor judgment on my part.
- Yes.
- And Blobsnark? - Yes? - I want you to take this away, if nothing else: You can work at Omnicorp, you can work with your dad, or you can work the pole.
- I want to work the pole.
- Work the pole is a good option.
- I am flexible! - It's one of three - I am flexible! - It's one of three options.
This is not where I saw this going.
Um, just keep this in mind: If you want to work the pole Yes? It's probably smart to consider losing the mustache.
- Tim! - I'm just trying to help her.
- What mustache? - I'm trying to help her.
Believe in yourself, that's what I meant to say, not lose the 'stache.
Believe in yourself.
That I can do.
- Hey, Tim? - Yeah? There's a cake on the third floor.
They're having a birthday thing for Susan.
What do I do with that information? You take that information and you stuff free cake in your body.
- No, I don't want cake.
- You have to go.
- Go by yourself.
- Tim, there is free cake with our name on it.
I don't know Susan and I don't like cake.
What do you mean you don't like cake? - I don't like cake.
- Go back to Russia, you communist.
- Get off my back.
- How can you not like cake? It's like air for the body.
Cake is like air for the body? - Tim.
- All right.
If it gets you to stop talking, I'll go with you.
There's my man.
This is the worst cake ever.
Are you kidding me? It's free.
- So just be cool.
- "Just be cool.
" Hey, everybody.
Hi! I've got the candles here, and let's put the candle on the on oh my God.
You inconsiderate sons of bitches.
- Whoops.
- I'm not even here.
What? Where'd Stu go? I have to apologize I didn't know we were doing the whole candle thing.
Mmm, yeah, hmm.
"The whole candle thing" what a strange thing to do at a birthday party, huh? I just didn't know.
I apol Susan, I apologize.
Do you even know Susan? Are you just here for the free cake? - Do I know Susan? - Yes.
Susan's one of my best, closest friends at the company.
- Is that so? - Right, Susan? Right? - She giving me the cold shoulder? - Oh my - Earth to Susan.
- My God.
Are you as she asleep? What's she doing? Susan is deaf, Tim.
- Susan is deaf? - Yeah, she can't hear.
What? My Susan? - My Susan.
- Susan.
- Just keep stuffing your face.
- We email a lot.
I didn't I never even noticed that she never hears me.
- Never mind.
Shut up, shut up.
- That's crazy.
Okay, everybody, let's sing! One, two, three.
Hey, Tim's not singing.
What? I was singing the song.
I was watching you the whole time.
- Oh my God.
- Why are you watching me? It's Susan's 50th birthday.
Not only have you wolfed down her cake, you didn't even muster up the energy to sing.
Oh, you're upsetting.
Oh, you are upsetting.
This is not a party atmosphere at all.
- Oh my God - This party I just want to push you into a wall or something.
- Push me into a wall.
- Or something.
I apologize for eating the cake too early.
I do.
But does the singing the whole singing thing really matter? - Tim.
- She is deaf.
- I can't even believe - I don't think she understands music.
What's this? Look, I think Susan agrees.
I think she's saying, "Tim, it's totally cool.
" No, that's not what she's saying.
She's saying, "Tim, you're an unbelievable prick.
" - No no.
- "Now stop stuffing your face, you shithead you prick.
" - No.
- "You jazz-handed douche.
" - Jazz-handed douche? - It goes on and on.
This is not a festive birthday party.
You are a hot cup of asshole.
I swear to God.
I agree with everything she said.
- That's not a phrase.
- Come on no! - People don't say that.
- Susan, come on.
I'm taking you to Bennigan's.
Such an asshole.
Tim, I've heard some distressing news.
- What's wrong? - You snuck into a deaf woman's party and, well, apparently you were just there for the free cake.
- No.
- That's pretty low, Tim.
- That's not why I went.
- Why did you go? - I don't even like cake.
- Cake? Yeah, it's one of my least-favorite foods.
What, are you Canadian? No.
I just went to celebrate, you know Tim, you should have sang the song.
She's deaf.
You didn't think she could hear you, so you thought you could get away with it.
You should have sang the song, - that's the bottom line.
- I was singing.
- I was humming at first - Really? Then my plan, which I never got to execute I was gonna take the floor, kind of work the space a little and do like an Ella Fitzgerald kind of scat version of the song.
I don't think you have the pipes to scat.
Let's hear a quick scat line.
- Scat? No - Bring it.
The scat I gotta warm up for.
I studied a little scat back in the day.
- Let's hear some.
- I'm not gonna scat in here.
Exactly.
Tim, this is a company founded on teamwork, - on camaraderie.
- Yeah.
And I need everyone in this building to sing at the drop of a hat.
Now right now I need you to sing "Happy Birthday" or I'm gonna have to let you go.
- I have to sing "Happy Birthday"? - "Happy Birthday," - out of your mouth.
- To who? I don't care.
To the stapler.
You want me to sing "Happy Birthday" to the stapler? Stapler is three years old.
Let it rip.
Okay.
Ahem.
Full voice.
That was - that was actually quite good.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm a bit I'm a bit impressed.
- That's amazing.
Great.
I mean, honestly, for me singing is one of the great joys in life just hearing the melody pour out of my mouth.
- Hmm.
- That's why I mean, obviously at the party, I was obviously singing.
- Right.
- With that voice, don't hold back.
- No.
- Um Well, Tim, I think you've just made a group of black women very happy.
What did I do? Rhonda? Listen, I've got great news.
- Don't call Rhonda.
- A young man named Tim listen, he says the joy of song is one of the great pleasures in his life.
- Was that the direct quote, Tim? - Something like that.
Anyway, listen, Rhonda, I'm gonna send him up this weekend so you don't have to cancel the event.
Ha ha ha! It is.
It's a miracle! Okay, bye-bye.
What what's the miracle? This Saturday you'll be singing at the East Bronx Women's Gospel Choir.
- No.
- 20 black women and you expressing yourselves through song.
Have fun.
Knock it out of the park.
Hey, Debbie.
Hi, Tim.
Oh, baby, what's wrong? You look down.
Uh, I volunteered to sing with a gospel choir.
Oh, so what's the problem? I can't sing, I'm not a black woman and I don't know the lyrics to any gospel songs.
- That is a problem.
- Three yeah, three problems.
Ooh, well, why don't I fill in for you? - I used to sing in a choir.
- You? That's amazing.
I know all those religious songs.
Listen Ahem - No - And it keeps going like that.
That is not a gospel song, technically.
It's not a gospel song? No, that was off Eddie Murphy's first album.
- Oh.
- Listen, I can't be picky right now.
If you want to fill in, I'll take you up on that.
- That sounds - Oh, I would love to.
- That sounds great.
- If nothing else, I'll blend in better than you would, right? How how could you not? I gotta be honest you're not blending in as well as I'd hoped.
- No? - It's just very few of the women are wearing bathing suits.
Oh, I always like to wear something colorful to church.
- I guess so.
- And something that shows off my divine creation.
- Uh, excuse me, ma'am? - Yes, sir? - I can't let you in.
- Me? - What's this? - Why's that? - She's here to sing.
- She's here to what? - Sing in the choir.
- I'm to sing.
Not dressed like that, you ain't.
Put a robe you could put a robe on over it, right? - I'll put a robe on.
- Look there are numerous reasons I can't let you in this church, but mostly because you're dressed like that and you're chugging a bottle of peach schnapps.
- Oh, this? - Yeah.
- Those are problems? - Yes.
Oh, I wasn't gonna drink inside.
I was gonna stuff it in my bra.
- She was gonna stuff it in her bra.
- Keeps it warm.
Darling, you can't bring the bottle through the doorway.
No, if you stuff it in your bra, you're good.
You can't bring the bottle through the doorway.
This does not seem like a very progressive church, sir.
This is not progressive at all.
The service is about to start.
Are you the singer? I guess I am now.
You're the new guest singer, right? - No, I'm just hanging out.
- You're not Tim? I guess technically I'm the guest singer, yes.
Yes, you are.
Well, praise the Lord.
How are you? I'm doing I'm a little nervous, actually.
- Listen, I have a confession.
- Uh-huh.
I don't know the lyrics to any gospel songs.
- Not even "Amazing Grace"? - Never heard of it.
You know what, baby? Look, don't worry about it.
- Just mouth the words.
- Mouth the words? - No one will care? - No one's gonna hear you anyway.
Look, just close your eyes, wave your hands side to side and you'll be just fine.
Trust me, you'll fit right in.
- That's amazing.
- "Amazing Grace.
" Praise the Lord.
- Little church humor.
- Well we are celebrating the 100th anniversary of this church! And that is something to shout about.
- Praise God! Praise God! - Amen! Thank you, Jesus.
- God be praised! - Amen.
Amen.
Now the choir almost had to cancel the performance - Now that's a shame.
when we found out our lead tenor had a terrible sore throat.
- Oh, my! - That's the enemy, that's the enemy.
- But then - Mm-hmm.
- A miracle was performed.
Hallelujah! Amen! God sent us a young man - named Tim.
- Tim! He said, "I will join your choir - and help sing your songs" - Bless you, Tim.
"Because God has given me the voice of an angel.
" Never said that.
Now take it away, East Bronx Women's Gospel Choir with God's gift to us Mr.
Tim.
Yes, Lord! Raise the roof! Let God hear those voices.
Oh, yeah.
What's the matter? Is this thing on? Go ahead, Tim, it's you.
Raise the roof.
- Hey, Tim's not singing.
- What? No, Tim was singing.
Let's continue.
Huh-uh.
Tim was mouthing the words.
I don't mean to point fingers, but that was her idea.
- Oh, excuse me, no, it wasn't.
- Let's all be mad at her instead of me.
Son, why exactly did you join this choir? - Why did I join? - I'll tell you why that boy just came here for the free robe.
- Have mercy.
- The free robe? - Mm-hmm.
- No, if I wanted a robe, I'd go to Macy's, to the menswear section.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- I would not join a choir and that's an elaborate way to get a robe.
You can't get a robe like this at Macy's.
I don't even like robes.
Robes and cake don't care for either one.
Tim, I'm sorry I wore my bathing suit to church.
Don't be.
It's a common mistake.
So how'd it go in there? Not great.
Not a pleasant church - Ohh.
experience.
I just can't catch a break.
That's the bottom line.
No no, baby.
You gotta do what my mama taught me.
- Yeah? - She said, "Debbie, when life's got you down, you gotta pick yourself up, - look at yourself in the mirror" - Okay.
"and proceed to consume an entire bottle of peach schnapps until you pass out.
" That's actually very good advice.
- Isn't it though? - That is.
- Your mom was a smart lady.
- She was a saint.