The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s02e04 Episode Script
The Girl Scout Incident; Rodney Has A Wife
* now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad * * I had lots of luck but it's all been bad * * no matter h I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive * * my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand * * my woman run away with another man * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* why are you always standing ther - Will you scratch my back? - Scratch your back? No, I don't like touching people.
Co omen, man.
That's h towhe business world works.
You scratch myac bk, I scratch yours.
It n'sot a literal phrase.
You don't walk around scratching people's backs.
Oh, tim, you have so much to learn about the corporate world.
you are not limber, are you? That's pathetic.
All right, stop.
- I'll do it.
- Really? Why not? - You know what? Let me just-- - How's that? - Oh, yeah.
- How's that? - Oh, fuck.
- You like that? Stu likes that? - That's good.
you made me burp, that was so good.
A little of this? A little of this? You are such a good businessman.
- That's good.
- A little of this? - You're like tle kitty cat.
- Now it's weird.
All right, douchebag it's that time tim what time?Ear again.
Time to buy girl scout cookies from my daughter.
Girl scouts don't usually start their sales pitch with "all right, douchebags.
" How many boxes do you want? - Where's the girl scout? - I don't follow you.
Where's your daughter? - It's 10:00 a.
M.
She's at school.
So we're buying cookies from stan, not from the girl scouts.
Dude, what's your problem? Seriously? I just don't want to buy cookies from a middle-aged man, that's all.
They're her cookies.
She gets the money.
- Just buy some cookies.
We all did.
- Stan: Everybody did.
What will the girls learn if they don't do it themselves? What's your friggin' problem, tim? Do you hate girl scouts? What's up? The whole premise is you look at the cute little girls And they say, "hey, buy the cookies.
" You need to see my daughter in order To spend $2 for a box of cookies? - No no.
Okay, let's etend like I'm my daughter.
- Why? hey, mister, I'm selling nah nah nah nah.
Could you buy some cookies, please? - Hi, what's your name? - My name is eliza.
Hi, eliza.
I'm stu.
- Hi, stu.
- You're very pretty.
Thank you.
- This whole thing is very unpleasant.
Do you want to buy some cookies from me, please? - Yeah, come on inside.
- Inside where? - My apartment.
- Okay.
Oh, man.
- See? Bad shit happens, tim.
Bad shit happens.
I just want those tiny girl scout hands scratching my back.
All right, everybody welcome to the omnicorp "keith" corporate auditorium.
The star chamber chamber chamber.
There's no echo effect.
It's just me.
Now stanley is gonna come up here And tell us about some fantastic record That we've all broken together.
Stan? Yes, thanks.
I just wanted to come out here And thank all of you for my little girl eliza.
His girl doesn't even do her own thank yous.
You guys helped make this her troop's biggest year ever.
Let's clap.
Everyone clap.
At omnicorp alone, my little girl Sold $3000 worth of cookies, everybody.
All right.
U yopeople should be ve pryroud.
I mean, we just kicked the shit out of troop 21 this year.
Stan.
- That's kind of inappropriate.
Your face, 21.
Your face.
well, very strange.
Now I had pledged th if stan got 100% participation From his fellow employees, omnicorp would match the contribution.
So, stanley, I am proud to present you With this oversized check.
smile for the-- Yeah, stop applauding, everybody.
I just have to tell you that we fell a little short of 100% participation.
Keep the presentation going.
- Boss: Somebody didn't buy the cookies? - Tim.
- Tim? - No.
- He refused.
Let's not single me out.
No, we need single you out right now.
Tim, stand up.
- Stand up.
- I don't like sweets.
Extend your arm.
Point your finger.
And then turn the finger towards yourself.
- Why? - Repeat after me.
I break the backs of young children By shattering their dreams.
I break the backs- I don't do that.
Say it.
Mean it.
- No.
Doesn't that seem natural? You're buying girl scout cookies, you might want to see a little girl? I'm sorry, stanley, but tim's actions have left me no choice.
God, it's ridiculously thick.
- Marie, set the check on fire.
- I'm on it, sir.
No, you have choices.
Thanks a lot, dick.
Way to go.
Is that-- Were you saying thank you to dick or were you calling me a dick? - No, I was calling you a dick.
- Oh, I thought so.
Dick, I love you.
Thank you for buying six boxes of samoas.
Look at him.
I was his four thbirthday party.
He's four.
So adorable.
- He's got cake all over his face.
What do you guys got there? Oh, is that your son? That guy's really getting big.
He's really getting up there.
- What? - Are you calling my son fat? Fat? No.
No, it means he's health he's growing.
S fat.
- G means fat.
- He's not.
I really think that you're a child hater.
Oh, man.
I really should have bought those cookies.
No, you actually d the right thing, son.
Oh, hey.
Who are you? Hi, I'm william.
Marie's assistant.
Oh yea I've seen you.
Yeah, I've been sitting here for a while.
You know what we cal the girl scouts where I come from? What's that? - Little money-grubbing bitches.
uh-huh.
You weren't a boy scout, or you'd be laughing with me right now.
I can't imagine I would.
Boy scouts don't lau at things like that.
Oh, sure we do.
That's mtly what we do.
- That's mostly what you do? - It's a big part of it.
I thought the boy scouts and girl scouts were kind of the same.
Good god, no.
Jesus.
What's the difference? - Boy scouts care about traditional values, tim: Integrity, decency, Wild crafting, archery-- Archery is not really a value.
--Fish and wildlife management.
What do the girls-- - all the girl scouts care about is selling cookies.
Selling cookies and all the goddamn different flavors.
That is true.
They are awfully focused on those cookies.
- It's despicable.
- That's a little mean.
It was honest, tim that's the boy scout way.
- Honesty and knot-tying.
- Knot-tying made the top two.
Hey look, I lead a boy scout troop.
You seem like our kind of guy.
- Mmm.
If you ever want to help out, give a holler.
Actually, that might be a good way to show everyone here - That I'm a good person.
- Mm-hmm.
We got a campout coming up this weekend and I can't make it, so You know what? Count me in.
Great! Do I need anything? A knife or any kind of-- You'll need a length of rope.
You will need a knife.
Okay.
- You'll need some special boots and a poncho, Sleeping bag, pup tent.
- Sounds a little involved.
- I'll give you the list.
All right, I'm here to pick up a van.
Okay, what name is that under? Either boy or scouts.
- Probably scouts.
- Probably one of those, yeah.
Okay, let me check.
So the van comes to $120 plus tax.
How did you want to pay for that? - Pay? - Tim doesn't pay.
- Tim doesn't pay? I just agreed to escort them.
I didn't know- I have 12â even bring that up? - It's money.
- It's not money.
I have a school lunch card.
I can't imagine-- Can you debit it from his school lunch plan in any way? - No, I can't do that in any way.
- You can't? It's g a magnetic strip.
Yeah, it's different from a credit card.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
Are you a scout master? Because I'm looking at you and you don't have the uniform on.
- That's just a green shirt.
- I'm affiliated with the scouts.
That's not what I asked.
Are you a scout master? I don't refer to myself as a master.
That sounds a little egotistical.
I'm leading the boys.
- You're just a boy leader of some kind? - What's wrong with that? You are a transient with no money No, I'm middle class.
Taking a bunch of children in a van Into a rural area.
Give us a van.
- Please - no.
Let me drive the boys out to the woods And have a good time.
That is not gonna happen.
Hmm, that was an unforeseen obstacle.
Oh man I was so excited.
I can't believe it's canceled because tim's poor.
No, nothing is canceled.
We just got to be resourceful.
We're the boy scouts, right? We just need to think what kind of camping trip We can do with no money.
We can go to the sewer.
We can go to the sewer.
You guys have bad ideas.
Follow me.
We're going to the wilderness.
I don't think central pa counts as a wilderness.
No, it does.
As long as you have trees and bushes, You're technically in the wilderness.
That's the way I was raised.
um, you wanto t make s'mores? What do you do first? You don't hunt on these things, do you? Are you sure we're even allowed to make a fire? I didn't look into that.
This is clearly not a well-planned trip.
And we're not allowed to hunt.
Do you want to do some bird calls? - - Okay.
- Want to do a hawk? Haaaawk.
You can't just say hawk.
You've got to make a-- Yooouuu.
- All right, forget the bird calls.
- You want to tie some knots? - With what? You want to tie my shoes? Is that weird? - Hey there.
- Whoops.
There's a thatched mat in the bushes with your name on it.
what do we do? - We pretend it's a bear.
- Hello.
- What do you do when you see a bear? - I'm here! You're supposed to stay totally still.
- I thought you wave your hands in the air.
- No, that makes him angry.
All right, let's stay still.
- Listen - Pretend it's a bear.
I was evicted from the bathroom I was living in And I'm having a hard time.
Remain still.
I'm used to men not looking me in the eye, But usually that's because they're staring at my junk.
Wave your hands.
What are you doing? Does that mean no or yes? You know wha t? You guys is creeping me out.
I'll see you later.
Is it just me, or was atth an excellent scoutg inlesson? Okay, now this is better.
Once you get above 96th st.
Then you're in the great outdoors.
Tim, I'm sorry, but this doesn't feel organized.
It's not fun.
I want to go home.
You're questioning my organizational skills? This camping trip blows.
This is not my fault, guys.
You didn't get us the van.
You had 12â.
You had 12â.
Why are you still pointing fingers at me? I know I've been critical of the girl scouts, but at least they have money.
They sell cookies and they make money.
They put the money in the bank and they open a profit-sharing plan.
- They got all kinds of things.
- We-- we sell-- - We give away.
- What are you saying? We take pine cones, we glue them together every year.
- That's how you make your money? - Yeah.
You glue together pine cones? They glue really well.
That is not a sound business model.
Oh my god.
Look what I found.
- Good pine cone? - No way.
What is it? - It's a sack of fake louis vuitton handbags! - What? No, put it back.
- We can sell those.
- No, we're selling pine cones.
- We can sell the bags.
We're just being resourceful like you taught us.
These bags are a gift fm nature.
No, they're from sweatshops in china.
You said we needed a new business model.
They can be our cookies.
"they can be our cookies," he says.
I don't know, guys.
Is it just me? Does this feel wrong? Um, no.
It doesn't feel wrong.
Doesn't fell wrong? You feel good about this? Yeah.
Hold on a second.
Hold on.
Hello? Hey, tim.
It's william.
- Just checking in on my boys.
- Hey, we're doing great.
- We just built a tent.
- That's fantastic.
Then we're gonna collect berries.
- Yeah? - And possibly some bark.
- Oh.
And make some kind of pie.
Just make sure you get thrie ght berries, tim.
Of course.
Of course.
The wrong ones will kill you all.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
I'm jealous.
Seriously, guys.
Let's get out of here.
No one wants a bunch of ks iddoing this stuff.
- Woman: How much? - What? - $350 cash.
- No.
You're not ripping me off, are you? How could we o dthat, ma'am? - Look at his face.
You know, atth is a good point.
Done.
Bye-bye.
Wow, that's not bad.
$350.
We could rent a van.
We could still go camping.
It's not too late in the day.
If we sell them all you could pay off your visa card.
No, let's just rent a n.
Va let's quit whilee' wre ahead.
You think I could pay the whole card? Yeah.
I've got to admit, I would not mind paying off those cards.
Wow, looatk that wad.
We sold out.
$1050 per man.
- It's crazy.
- I got $1000! Got $1000 and you can't have it.
No, hey.
Back behind the dumpster.
Tifhere's ever a likely mugging victim, it's us-- A skinny guy and four boys with five grand in cash.
Th- is was so cool.
- Yeah.
The other trips were so boring.
We had the excitement of being illegal here.
It gives you that rush.
Just, ah! The adrenaline rush of crime.
That's not the takeaway here.
If it taught us a lesson in rouesrcefulness, we can keep the money.
- Yeah, it definitely did.
- Yeah.
All right, real quick, just repeat after me.
If anyone asks where the large cash influx came from, Say we sold an absurd amount of pine cones.
We sold an absurd amount of pe incones.
We did not sell fa lkeouis vuitton handbags on canal st.
We did not sell fake Louis vuitton handbags on canal st.
Just paraphre asit your own way, actually.
That's gonna sndou a little suspicious.
- So, tim.
- Hey.
- How was that big camping trip of yours? - It was really great.
Without getting into specifics, it taught me things about myself.
- Wow.
- It taught the kids lessons.
You got to do that sometimes.
You got to get out of this - Rat race.
- Rat race, exactly.
- Chasing the cheese.
- Taught them some nice things That hopefully stick with them as they grow into young men.
Campfire stories.
Campfire dreams.
That's well said.
Well said.
- Tim, I have a question.
- There he is, The man who got me involved.
Yeah, how did little eight-year-old chip pusgar Manage to buy himself a $1500 leather la-z-boy yesterday? Oh.
- I'm asking you straight up, son.
You're asking me how he bought a la-z-boy chair? Straight up, apparently.
You didn't take the boy scouts camping, did you? Depends what you mean by camping.
Did we get in a canoe? I don't remember getting in a canoe.
You took them to canal st.
And sold fake louis vuitton handbags.
- tim! - What? - Tim, is that true? - I don't see what the big deal is.
If you just pretend these phony bags Were thin mints, it's really the same thing.
It's just mass-manufactured goods Sold by children at a high profit margin.
Right? You have lost your way.
* no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* Oh man, these apple tarts are great.
- Have you tried this? - That slut! What? - I amoi gng to kill ha tt dirty whore! Slut slut slut! Fuck slut! We are in very different moods this morning.
- Tim.
- What's going on here? - I got problems, bro.
- A slut? Yeah, I was walkin my dog this morning.
You have a dog? Yeah, of course I have a dog.
And he takes a shit on the neighbor's lawn.
And I'm thinking, "hey, I'll be a good guy and pick it up this time.
" - Give me the quick version.
- So I bend down, pick up its crap.
I scoop it up with my hands and it mushes a little bit.
An awful story.
- I see there's a rubber stuck in it.
Is that good or bad? - It's bad.
My wife, she's cheating on me.
Wait wait wait, you have a wife? Of course I have a wif you went to my bachelor party.
I wasn't invited to the wedding and I never heard you mention her.
I just assumed it was canceled.
- No.
I don't really like talking about stuff like that.
- Wives.
Anyway, I need you to go out to long island with me to confront her.
- Why long island? - Because I live in long island.
- You live in long island? - 10 years I live in long island.
You're married, you have a dog.
- Right.
We are not as close as I thought we were.
You know, guys, when you use the phrase stake-out, People are gonna assume you're going out for steaks, okay? Think be long island chicks always claim That they've been run over by their boyfriends.
It's like the number-one lawsuit in long island.
Yeah? - You guys dead to the world? What's going on? You don't pick up the paper? - I don't read "newsday.
" They're coming.
Give me the 'nocs.
- The 'noc - the binoculars.
Oh, that's not a nicknam for binoculars.
Holy shit.
- Stu: What are you seeing through the 'nocs? - Tim: Good or bad? - Rodney: I don't know.
I don't know if I'm furiou or if I'm giddy.
Those are very different emotions.
All right, rodney, who is the guy? - Petite guy labelle.
- Yeah? - The top scorer for the islanders.
- What's that? It's hockey.
- Oh, hockey.
Long island has a hockey team? Yes, tim.
- That's like delaware having the nuclear bomb.
- All right, so how does that- - it's petite guy labelle! - Yeah? - The french twine tickler.
The guy's a scoring machine.
I mean, you got to admit it makes me look pretty good That he banged my wife, right? - Stu: Mmm.
- Not really.
I'm kind of like petite guy labelle.
There's no transitive proper in having a slutty wif Yeah, rodney, this is mostly bad news.
Who am I kidding? You guys are right.
I suck at marriage.
My mom's gonna be pissed.
"rodney, I told you, You shouldn't be marrying girls.
You suck at hockey.
You can't hold down a job.
" mom, enough! Is this like "psycho"? Is his mom alive or dead? Getting personal.
Listen, rodney, If I can just help a little here as a friend.
- Lay it on me.
- In life as in hockey, When life rows you a curve ball - There are no curve balls in hockey.
- They don't curve? - Curve puck? - Slapshot? When life takes a slapshot towards your chest, You got to block it with your arm.
No? You'd actually just let it hit your chest protector.
Hockey is really not the best sport for life analogies.
That kind of makes me want to go kill myself.
Thanks for letting me crash here, guys.
This is a rough time for me.
I just feel so bad.
I mean, I didn't even ow you had a wife.
- Rochelle.
- Got a dog too.
We met in high school when I rear-ended her mustang.
I jumped out and said, "who drives like that, you dumb whore?" Then I saw her face and it was love at first sight.
- Wow.
- That's amazing.
Sounds like love.
Yeah, she wasn't a dumb whore after all.
- She was a great lady.
- That's beautiful.
Can I get you anything? Can I get you bread? - No.
- No.
- Can I get you some tea? - No.
- A cup of decaf? - How about some hot tea? - That's perfect.
I id tea.
- I would love a cup of hot tea.
- Thank you, amy.
- I said that.
Amy is just a far better listener than you are, tim.
There's no skill involved in listening.
We're doing equally well right now.
Look at her.
She's just oozing listening.
She's not doing anything.
She is like a listening machine right now.
All right, you know what? Get some sleep.
Can I get you anything? Can I get you cookies or anything? - A tissue? You know what? I'll just blow it into this pillow here.
- Amy: Okay, that's fine.
- Tim: That's fine? That's not the kind of thing that's usually fine in this house.
You have to do something.
I know, he's going through those pillows like nobody's business.
No, not for our sake.
For his sake.
Oh.
- This whole thing is just really upsetting me.
Upsetting you? Why? - This could be us in a couple years.
No.
We're the power couple, right? The dream team.
- Yeah, but what if? - What if what? I mean, what if I were to start having sex with a professional athlete? - It could be us.
- So don't do that.
What kind of professional athlete are you gonna have sex with? - I don't know.
A squash player.
- Where did that come from? They're only like the most fittest of all athletes.
Oh my god.
It's not even a professional sport.
Isn't that just a collegiate thing? I dated a squash player in college.
- You're gonna look him up? - I don't mean that squash player.
There are a lot of good-looking squash players.
- Yeah? - You have to help rodney.
- Oh, as a friend.
- Yeah.
I'm on it.
Why don't I go talk to his wife? I think that would be a great idea.
I got to look her up.
I don't even know what her name is.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that it's rochelle.
Oh, he did say that multiple times, didn't he? - He's still saying it.
- Rodney: Rochelle! I'm really not a good listener, am I? Rochelle! Hello,ou wld you like to try some sweat, The new fragrance by dolce & gabba?Na - Oh shit! - Take a sampl try it.
- Hi, can I make you sweat? - Yes, you may.
You know it's made with civet? That's extract from deer's balls.
Why didn't you say that before you sprayed it on me? ow! I'm actually stopping for a different reason.
- I'm a friend of rodney's.
- Oh yeah? - I'm tim.
- He's never mentioned you.
- No, I'm the tim.
- The tim? - Of his inner circle.
- That means nothing to me.
- What do you want? - How do? Rodney knows you've been cheating on him.
- And he sent you? Are you his boyfriend? I fucking knew he was gay.
- Where did that come from? I'm not having sex with rodney.
- That is the last - so rodney's mad? Good.
I didn' think he cared anymore.
You didn't think he cared so you had sex with a hockey player? That's right.
You got a problem with that, tim A little bit.
- I got into hockey for rodney's sake.
I fucking hate hockey.
The next thing you know I'm banging This french-canadian hockey player and it just got away from me.
- It really did.
- Anyway, I got a job here.
- All right, tim? - You go to any of the games? Yeah, I go to every game.
I'm banging the left-winger.
Perfect.
I'gonna bring rodney.
We'll clear this whole thing up.
Stop the spritzing.
That really does smell like dr eeballs, doesn't it? Enough! That's absurd.
She thinks I love hockey more than I love her? - That's wt hashe said.
- Why? I don't know.
You do have that bumper sticker That says, "I love hockey more than my wife.
" - That's my sense of humor.
- It could be taken different ways.
I think you've just got to remind her how you feel.
Oh, there she is.
How do I look? You lo like a guy at a hockey game with a loose-fitting jersey.
Okay.
- You look good.
You look good.
- Go get her.
- Thanks, timmy.
- You're a good dude.
- I really am.
- Come on, bring it in.
- I don't want to hug.
- One time.
One time.
- We're at a hockey game.
One time! - People don't hug at hockey games.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Nice.
Very emotional.
That was good.
Sweetie.
Oh, you fat bastard.
I know that we're goin through a rough pat right here, baby.
- I know.
- And it's my fault.
I don't always tell you how I feel.
And sometimes I take you for granted-- - Oh, baby.
- - -And make you do weird shit.
So from the bottom of my heart I just wanted to say-- Actually, hold on.
Just let me see this penalty shot here real quick.
Rodney.
- Zip it, woman.
Not a good time.
- What were you gonna say? - Shut it.
Not a good time.
- I can't believe you.
- Goal! Yeah! I frickin' love you, petite guy labelle! These flowers are for you, my friend.
Cut from our friendship.
Oh, I love you! Bro, you got to help me out here.
I have no idea what's going on.
I said I love you a bunch of times.
I never say that.
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm not kidding.
You said it to the wrong person, rodney.
I kinda sprayed it.
I sprayed it everywhere.
Come on, you've got to stop screwing around here.
- What am I supposed to do? - Get mad.
All right.
- The guy is stealing your wife And you're giving him flowers.
- You know what? - Yeah? I think you're telling the truth here.
- Yeah - I can feel icoming.
I think I need to kick this guy's ass.
That's what we've been waiting to hear.
That's my woman.
Time to go to bed, petite guy labelle.
- Time to go to bed.
- Nice.
Go to bed, but not with your wife.
One slight problem is that he's aaylws got these goons Hanging around h just like on the ic - true.
So if I could just maybe get past the goons, get in there, Grab the back of his shirt, pull it over his head-- - Boom, he's done.
- That's a great plan.
- What about the goons though? - You need to distract them.
- No no.
- Yes.
I don't want to get involved with the goons.
- Here he comes.
And he's with rochelle.
- I went to the mall.
- Zip it.
Zip it.
- I went to the mall.
Pardona me.
Mr.
Labelle, excuse me.
That's not how you say it.
I don't have time for autographs either.
Guy, this is the o I was telling you about.
- My ex.
- Ah, the husband.
Listen, I am very sorry For all of this sex Which I have been having with your wife.
You're sorry? - Believe me, I'm not sorry in that way.
I have no regrets, believe me.
It's been wonderful.
Very aggressive.
You know, wonderful lovemaking.
But for you, I acknowledge that it is unfortunate.
Right.
Timmy, Why don't you go get his friend a beer So that mr.
Labelle and I can talk about hockey and whatnot? Can I buy you a beer? I'm your number-one fan.
Why? I never play.
I've never scored a goal.
Still, I mean, the team is only as good As its weakest-- worst player.
Thanks for inbrging mdoe wn.
- Let me buy you a beer.
- All right, here it is.
Rochelle, I apologize for throwing your flowers on the ice And telling you to shut it zip it as I was tryi to win you back.
And petite guy, I like you a lot, But I need to take you down now.
- Rodney, what are you-- - baby, I need to.
For beating me up? Would you just stop? I hn to make, okay? - Hmm? - I'm pregnant.
Oh, and this is the part where I usually leave.
- Goodbye.
- What? I've never seen that guy move that fast imyn life.
And you know what? It's not yours.
- It's his.
- Wait.
I'm so sorry, rodney.
Baby, why would you be sorry? This is the best of both worlds.
- It is? - Yeah.
Now I get to be with the girl that I love And raise a boy who naturally comes With 400 career goals.
I mean, the guy will be a scorer that comes out of you.
Do you know what I mean? I love you so fucking much, baby.
I love you too you fat son of a bitch.
Now get over here and squeeze my ass.
- Oh, give it up, whore.
- You fat fuck.
Wow, I don't know if that was romantic or offensive.
- Here's a question.
- Yeah? You don't seem to kn much about hockey.
So why were you buying me beers this whole time? I can come clean now.
I was just distracting you.
- Rodney was going to fight petite guy.
- Fight petite guy? But he's not.
It's clearly a happy ending.
So it's a great night for everyone.
- Well, not for you.
- No? Hey hey, what are you doing? Those guys just make it look so easy.
Wow, this is not-- This is not the way you want to end your night.
* why are you always standing ther - Will you scratch my back? - Scratch your back? No, I don't like touching people.
Co omen, man.
That's h towhe business world works.
You scratch myac bk, I scratch yours.
It n'sot a literal phrase.
You don't walk around scratching people's backs.
Oh, tim, you have so much to learn about the corporate world.
you are not limber, are you? That's pathetic.
All right, stop.
- I'll do it.
- Really? Why not? - You know what? Let me just-- - How's that? - Oh, yeah.
- How's that? - Oh, fuck.
- You like that? Stu likes that? - That's good.
you made me burp, that was so good.
A little of this? A little of this? You are such a good businessman.
- That's good.
- A little of this? - You're like tle kitty cat.
- Now it's weird.
All right, douchebag it's that time tim what time?Ear again.
Time to buy girl scout cookies from my daughter.
Girl scouts don't usually start their sales pitch with "all right, douchebags.
" How many boxes do you want? - Where's the girl scout? - I don't follow you.
Where's your daughter? - It's 10:00 a.
M.
She's at school.
So we're buying cookies from stan, not from the girl scouts.
Dude, what's your problem? Seriously? I just don't want to buy cookies from a middle-aged man, that's all.
They're her cookies.
She gets the money.
- Just buy some cookies.
We all did.
- Stan: Everybody did.
What will the girls learn if they don't do it themselves? What's your friggin' problem, tim? Do you hate girl scouts? What's up? The whole premise is you look at the cute little girls And they say, "hey, buy the cookies.
" You need to see my daughter in order To spend $2 for a box of cookies? - No no.
Okay, let's etend like I'm my daughter.
- Why? hey, mister, I'm selling nah nah nah nah.
Could you buy some cookies, please? - Hi, what's your name? - My name is eliza.
Hi, eliza.
I'm stu.
- Hi, stu.
- You're very pretty.
Thank you.
- This whole thing is very unpleasant.
Do you want to buy some cookies from me, please? - Yeah, come on inside.
- Inside where? - My apartment.
- Okay.
Oh, man.
- See? Bad shit happens, tim.
Bad shit happens.
I just want those tiny girl scout hands scratching my back.
All right, everybody welcome to the omnicorp "keith" corporate auditorium.
The star chamber chamber chamber.
There's no echo effect.
It's just me.
Now stanley is gonna come up here And tell us about some fantastic record That we've all broken together.
Stan? Yes, thanks.
I just wanted to come out here And thank all of you for my little girl eliza.
His girl doesn't even do her own thank yous.
You guys helped make this her troop's biggest year ever.
Let's clap.
Everyone clap.
At omnicorp alone, my little girl Sold $3000 worth of cookies, everybody.
All right.
U yopeople should be ve pryroud.
I mean, we just kicked the shit out of troop 21 this year.
Stan.
- That's kind of inappropriate.
Your face, 21.
Your face.
well, very strange.
Now I had pledged th if stan got 100% participation From his fellow employees, omnicorp would match the contribution.
So, stanley, I am proud to present you With this oversized check.
smile for the-- Yeah, stop applauding, everybody.
I just have to tell you that we fell a little short of 100% participation.
Keep the presentation going.
- Boss: Somebody didn't buy the cookies? - Tim.
- Tim? - No.
- He refused.
Let's not single me out.
No, we need single you out right now.
Tim, stand up.
- Stand up.
- I don't like sweets.
Extend your arm.
Point your finger.
And then turn the finger towards yourself.
- Why? - Repeat after me.
I break the backs of young children By shattering their dreams.
I break the backs- I don't do that.
Say it.
Mean it.
- No.
Doesn't that seem natural? You're buying girl scout cookies, you might want to see a little girl? I'm sorry, stanley, but tim's actions have left me no choice.
God, it's ridiculously thick.
- Marie, set the check on fire.
- I'm on it, sir.
No, you have choices.
Thanks a lot, dick.
Way to go.
Is that-- Were you saying thank you to dick or were you calling me a dick? - No, I was calling you a dick.
- Oh, I thought so.
Dick, I love you.
Thank you for buying six boxes of samoas.
Look at him.
I was his four thbirthday party.
He's four.
So adorable.
- He's got cake all over his face.
What do you guys got there? Oh, is that your son? That guy's really getting big.
He's really getting up there.
- What? - Are you calling my son fat? Fat? No.
No, it means he's health he's growing.
S fat.
- G means fat.
- He's not.
I really think that you're a child hater.
Oh, man.
I really should have bought those cookies.
No, you actually d the right thing, son.
Oh, hey.
Who are you? Hi, I'm william.
Marie's assistant.
Oh yea I've seen you.
Yeah, I've been sitting here for a while.
You know what we cal the girl scouts where I come from? What's that? - Little money-grubbing bitches.
uh-huh.
You weren't a boy scout, or you'd be laughing with me right now.
I can't imagine I would.
Boy scouts don't lau at things like that.
Oh, sure we do.
That's mtly what we do.
- That's mostly what you do? - It's a big part of it.
I thought the boy scouts and girl scouts were kind of the same.
Good god, no.
Jesus.
What's the difference? - Boy scouts care about traditional values, tim: Integrity, decency, Wild crafting, archery-- Archery is not really a value.
--Fish and wildlife management.
What do the girls-- - all the girl scouts care about is selling cookies.
Selling cookies and all the goddamn different flavors.
That is true.
They are awfully focused on those cookies.
- It's despicable.
- That's a little mean.
It was honest, tim that's the boy scout way.
- Honesty and knot-tying.
- Knot-tying made the top two.
Hey look, I lead a boy scout troop.
You seem like our kind of guy.
- Mmm.
If you ever want to help out, give a holler.
Actually, that might be a good way to show everyone here - That I'm a good person.
- Mm-hmm.
We got a campout coming up this weekend and I can't make it, so You know what? Count me in.
Great! Do I need anything? A knife or any kind of-- You'll need a length of rope.
You will need a knife.
Okay.
- You'll need some special boots and a poncho, Sleeping bag, pup tent.
- Sounds a little involved.
- I'll give you the list.
All right, I'm here to pick up a van.
Okay, what name is that under? Either boy or scouts.
- Probably scouts.
- Probably one of those, yeah.
Okay, let me check.
So the van comes to $120 plus tax.
How did you want to pay for that? - Pay? - Tim doesn't pay.
- Tim doesn't pay? I just agreed to escort them.
I didn't know- I have 12â even bring that up? - It's money.
- It's not money.
I have a school lunch card.
I can't imagine-- Can you debit it from his school lunch plan in any way? - No, I can't do that in any way.
- You can't? It's g a magnetic strip.
Yeah, it's different from a credit card.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
Are you a scout master? Because I'm looking at you and you don't have the uniform on.
- That's just a green shirt.
- I'm affiliated with the scouts.
That's not what I asked.
Are you a scout master? I don't refer to myself as a master.
That sounds a little egotistical.
I'm leading the boys.
- You're just a boy leader of some kind? - What's wrong with that? You are a transient with no money No, I'm middle class.
Taking a bunch of children in a van Into a rural area.
Give us a van.
- Please - no.
Let me drive the boys out to the woods And have a good time.
That is not gonna happen.
Hmm, that was an unforeseen obstacle.
Oh man I was so excited.
I can't believe it's canceled because tim's poor.
No, nothing is canceled.
We just got to be resourceful.
We're the boy scouts, right? We just need to think what kind of camping trip We can do with no money.
We can go to the sewer.
We can go to the sewer.
You guys have bad ideas.
Follow me.
We're going to the wilderness.
I don't think central pa counts as a wilderness.
No, it does.
As long as you have trees and bushes, You're technically in the wilderness.
That's the way I was raised.
um, you wanto t make s'mores? What do you do first? You don't hunt on these things, do you? Are you sure we're even allowed to make a fire? I didn't look into that.
This is clearly not a well-planned trip.
And we're not allowed to hunt.
Do you want to do some bird calls? - - Okay.
- Want to do a hawk? Haaaawk.
You can't just say hawk.
You've got to make a-- Yooouuu.
- All right, forget the bird calls.
- You want to tie some knots? - With what? You want to tie my shoes? Is that weird? - Hey there.
- Whoops.
There's a thatched mat in the bushes with your name on it.
what do we do? - We pretend it's a bear.
- Hello.
- What do you do when you see a bear? - I'm here! You're supposed to stay totally still.
- I thought you wave your hands in the air.
- No, that makes him angry.
All right, let's stay still.
- Listen - Pretend it's a bear.
I was evicted from the bathroom I was living in And I'm having a hard time.
Remain still.
I'm used to men not looking me in the eye, But usually that's because they're staring at my junk.
Wave your hands.
What are you doing? Does that mean no or yes? You know wha t? You guys is creeping me out.
I'll see you later.
Is it just me, or was atth an excellent scoutg inlesson? Okay, now this is better.
Once you get above 96th st.
Then you're in the great outdoors.
Tim, I'm sorry, but this doesn't feel organized.
It's not fun.
I want to go home.
You're questioning my organizational skills? This camping trip blows.
This is not my fault, guys.
You didn't get us the van.
You had 12â.
You had 12â.
Why are you still pointing fingers at me? I know I've been critical of the girl scouts, but at least they have money.
They sell cookies and they make money.
They put the money in the bank and they open a profit-sharing plan.
- They got all kinds of things.
- We-- we sell-- - We give away.
- What are you saying? We take pine cones, we glue them together every year.
- That's how you make your money? - Yeah.
You glue together pine cones? They glue really well.
That is not a sound business model.
Oh my god.
Look what I found.
- Good pine cone? - No way.
What is it? - It's a sack of fake louis vuitton handbags! - What? No, put it back.
- We can sell those.
- No, we're selling pine cones.
- We can sell the bags.
We're just being resourceful like you taught us.
These bags are a gift fm nature.
No, they're from sweatshops in china.
You said we needed a new business model.
They can be our cookies.
"they can be our cookies," he says.
I don't know, guys.
Is it just me? Does this feel wrong? Um, no.
It doesn't feel wrong.
Doesn't fell wrong? You feel good about this? Yeah.
Hold on a second.
Hold on.
Hello? Hey, tim.
It's william.
- Just checking in on my boys.
- Hey, we're doing great.
- We just built a tent.
- That's fantastic.
Then we're gonna collect berries.
- Yeah? - And possibly some bark.
- Oh.
And make some kind of pie.
Just make sure you get thrie ght berries, tim.
Of course.
Of course.
The wrong ones will kill you all.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
I'm jealous.
Seriously, guys.
Let's get out of here.
No one wants a bunch of ks iddoing this stuff.
- Woman: How much? - What? - $350 cash.
- No.
You're not ripping me off, are you? How could we o dthat, ma'am? - Look at his face.
You know, atth is a good point.
Done.
Bye-bye.
Wow, that's not bad.
$350.
We could rent a van.
We could still go camping.
It's not too late in the day.
If we sell them all you could pay off your visa card.
No, let's just rent a n.
Va let's quit whilee' wre ahead.
You think I could pay the whole card? Yeah.
I've got to admit, I would not mind paying off those cards.
Wow, looatk that wad.
We sold out.
$1050 per man.
- It's crazy.
- I got $1000! Got $1000 and you can't have it.
No, hey.
Back behind the dumpster.
Tifhere's ever a likely mugging victim, it's us-- A skinny guy and four boys with five grand in cash.
Th- is was so cool.
- Yeah.
The other trips were so boring.
We had the excitement of being illegal here.
It gives you that rush.
Just, ah! The adrenaline rush of crime.
That's not the takeaway here.
If it taught us a lesson in rouesrcefulness, we can keep the money.
- Yeah, it definitely did.
- Yeah.
All right, real quick, just repeat after me.
If anyone asks where the large cash influx came from, Say we sold an absurd amount of pine cones.
We sold an absurd amount of pe incones.
We did not sell fa lkeouis vuitton handbags on canal st.
We did not sell fake Louis vuitton handbags on canal st.
Just paraphre asit your own way, actually.
That's gonna sndou a little suspicious.
- So, tim.
- Hey.
- How was that big camping trip of yours? - It was really great.
Without getting into specifics, it taught me things about myself.
- Wow.
- It taught the kids lessons.
You got to do that sometimes.
You got to get out of this - Rat race.
- Rat race, exactly.
- Chasing the cheese.
- Taught them some nice things That hopefully stick with them as they grow into young men.
Campfire stories.
Campfire dreams.
That's well said.
Well said.
- Tim, I have a question.
- There he is, The man who got me involved.
Yeah, how did little eight-year-old chip pusgar Manage to buy himself a $1500 leather la-z-boy yesterday? Oh.
- I'm asking you straight up, son.
You're asking me how he bought a la-z-boy chair? Straight up, apparently.
You didn't take the boy scouts camping, did you? Depends what you mean by camping.
Did we get in a canoe? I don't remember getting in a canoe.
You took them to canal st.
And sold fake louis vuitton handbags.
- tim! - What? - Tim, is that true? - I don't see what the big deal is.
If you just pretend these phony bags Were thin mints, it's really the same thing.
It's just mass-manufactured goods Sold by children at a high profit margin.
Right? You have lost your way.
* no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* Oh man, these apple tarts are great.
- Have you tried this? - That slut! What? - I amoi gng to kill ha tt dirty whore! Slut slut slut! Fuck slut! We are in very different moods this morning.
- Tim.
- What's going on here? - I got problems, bro.
- A slut? Yeah, I was walkin my dog this morning.
You have a dog? Yeah, of course I have a dog.
And he takes a shit on the neighbor's lawn.
And I'm thinking, "hey, I'll be a good guy and pick it up this time.
" - Give me the quick version.
- So I bend down, pick up its crap.
I scoop it up with my hands and it mushes a little bit.
An awful story.
- I see there's a rubber stuck in it.
Is that good or bad? - It's bad.
My wife, she's cheating on me.
Wait wait wait, you have a wife? Of course I have a wif you went to my bachelor party.
I wasn't invited to the wedding and I never heard you mention her.
I just assumed it was canceled.
- No.
I don't really like talking about stuff like that.
- Wives.
Anyway, I need you to go out to long island with me to confront her.
- Why long island? - Because I live in long island.
- You live in long island? - 10 years I live in long island.
You're married, you have a dog.
- Right.
We are not as close as I thought we were.
You know, guys, when you use the phrase stake-out, People are gonna assume you're going out for steaks, okay? Think be long island chicks always claim That they've been run over by their boyfriends.
It's like the number-one lawsuit in long island.
Yeah? - You guys dead to the world? What's going on? You don't pick up the paper? - I don't read "newsday.
" They're coming.
Give me the 'nocs.
- The 'noc - the binoculars.
Oh, that's not a nicknam for binoculars.
Holy shit.
- Stu: What are you seeing through the 'nocs? - Tim: Good or bad? - Rodney: I don't know.
I don't know if I'm furiou or if I'm giddy.
Those are very different emotions.
All right, rodney, who is the guy? - Petite guy labelle.
- Yeah? - The top scorer for the islanders.
- What's that? It's hockey.
- Oh, hockey.
Long island has a hockey team? Yes, tim.
- That's like delaware having the nuclear bomb.
- All right, so how does that- - it's petite guy labelle! - Yeah? - The french twine tickler.
The guy's a scoring machine.
I mean, you got to admit it makes me look pretty good That he banged my wife, right? - Stu: Mmm.
- Not really.
I'm kind of like petite guy labelle.
There's no transitive proper in having a slutty wif Yeah, rodney, this is mostly bad news.
Who am I kidding? You guys are right.
I suck at marriage.
My mom's gonna be pissed.
"rodney, I told you, You shouldn't be marrying girls.
You suck at hockey.
You can't hold down a job.
" mom, enough! Is this like "psycho"? Is his mom alive or dead? Getting personal.
Listen, rodney, If I can just help a little here as a friend.
- Lay it on me.
- In life as in hockey, When life rows you a curve ball - There are no curve balls in hockey.
- They don't curve? - Curve puck? - Slapshot? When life takes a slapshot towards your chest, You got to block it with your arm.
No? You'd actually just let it hit your chest protector.
Hockey is really not the best sport for life analogies.
That kind of makes me want to go kill myself.
Thanks for letting me crash here, guys.
This is a rough time for me.
I just feel so bad.
I mean, I didn't even ow you had a wife.
- Rochelle.
- Got a dog too.
We met in high school when I rear-ended her mustang.
I jumped out and said, "who drives like that, you dumb whore?" Then I saw her face and it was love at first sight.
- Wow.
- That's amazing.
Sounds like love.
Yeah, she wasn't a dumb whore after all.
- She was a great lady.
- That's beautiful.
Can I get you anything? Can I get you bread? - No.
- No.
- Can I get you some tea? - No.
- A cup of decaf? - How about some hot tea? - That's perfect.
I id tea.
- I would love a cup of hot tea.
- Thank you, amy.
- I said that.
Amy is just a far better listener than you are, tim.
There's no skill involved in listening.
We're doing equally well right now.
Look at her.
She's just oozing listening.
She's not doing anything.
She is like a listening machine right now.
All right, you know what? Get some sleep.
Can I get you anything? Can I get you cookies or anything? - A tissue? You know what? I'll just blow it into this pillow here.
- Amy: Okay, that's fine.
- Tim: That's fine? That's not the kind of thing that's usually fine in this house.
You have to do something.
I know, he's going through those pillows like nobody's business.
No, not for our sake.
For his sake.
Oh.
- This whole thing is just really upsetting me.
Upsetting you? Why? - This could be us in a couple years.
No.
We're the power couple, right? The dream team.
- Yeah, but what if? - What if what? I mean, what if I were to start having sex with a professional athlete? - It could be us.
- So don't do that.
What kind of professional athlete are you gonna have sex with? - I don't know.
A squash player.
- Where did that come from? They're only like the most fittest of all athletes.
Oh my god.
It's not even a professional sport.
Isn't that just a collegiate thing? I dated a squash player in college.
- You're gonna look him up? - I don't mean that squash player.
There are a lot of good-looking squash players.
- Yeah? - You have to help rodney.
- Oh, as a friend.
- Yeah.
I'm on it.
Why don't I go talk to his wife? I think that would be a great idea.
I got to look her up.
I don't even know what her name is.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that it's rochelle.
Oh, he did say that multiple times, didn't he? - He's still saying it.
- Rodney: Rochelle! I'm really not a good listener, am I? Rochelle! Hello,ou wld you like to try some sweat, The new fragrance by dolce & gabba?Na - Oh shit! - Take a sampl try it.
- Hi, can I make you sweat? - Yes, you may.
You know it's made with civet? That's extract from deer's balls.
Why didn't you say that before you sprayed it on me? ow! I'm actually stopping for a different reason.
- I'm a friend of rodney's.
- Oh yeah? - I'm tim.
- He's never mentioned you.
- No, I'm the tim.
- The tim? - Of his inner circle.
- That means nothing to me.
- What do you want? - How do? Rodney knows you've been cheating on him.
- And he sent you? Are you his boyfriend? I fucking knew he was gay.
- Where did that come from? I'm not having sex with rodney.
- That is the last - so rodney's mad? Good.
I didn' think he cared anymore.
You didn't think he cared so you had sex with a hockey player? That's right.
You got a problem with that, tim A little bit.
- I got into hockey for rodney's sake.
I fucking hate hockey.
The next thing you know I'm banging This french-canadian hockey player and it just got away from me.
- It really did.
- Anyway, I got a job here.
- All right, tim? - You go to any of the games? Yeah, I go to every game.
I'm banging the left-winger.
Perfect.
I'gonna bring rodney.
We'll clear this whole thing up.
Stop the spritzing.
That really does smell like dr eeballs, doesn't it? Enough! That's absurd.
She thinks I love hockey more than I love her? - That's wt hashe said.
- Why? I don't know.
You do have that bumper sticker That says, "I love hockey more than my wife.
" - That's my sense of humor.
- It could be taken different ways.
I think you've just got to remind her how you feel.
Oh, there she is.
How do I look? You lo like a guy at a hockey game with a loose-fitting jersey.
Okay.
- You look good.
You look good.
- Go get her.
- Thanks, timmy.
- You're a good dude.
- I really am.
- Come on, bring it in.
- I don't want to hug.
- One time.
One time.
- We're at a hockey game.
One time! - People don't hug at hockey games.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Yeah, that's good.
- Nice.
Very emotional.
That was good.
Sweetie.
Oh, you fat bastard.
I know that we're goin through a rough pat right here, baby.
- I know.
- And it's my fault.
I don't always tell you how I feel.
And sometimes I take you for granted-- - Oh, baby.
- - -And make you do weird shit.
So from the bottom of my heart I just wanted to say-- Actually, hold on.
Just let me see this penalty shot here real quick.
Rodney.
- Zip it, woman.
Not a good time.
- What were you gonna say? - Shut it.
Not a good time.
- I can't believe you.
- Goal! Yeah! I frickin' love you, petite guy labelle! These flowers are for you, my friend.
Cut from our friendship.
Oh, I love you! Bro, you got to help me out here.
I have no idea what's going on.
I said I love you a bunch of times.
I never say that.
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm not kidding.
You said it to the wrong person, rodney.
I kinda sprayed it.
I sprayed it everywhere.
Come on, you've got to stop screwing around here.
- What am I supposed to do? - Get mad.
All right.
- The guy is stealing your wife And you're giving him flowers.
- You know what? - Yeah? I think you're telling the truth here.
- Yeah - I can feel icoming.
I think I need to kick this guy's ass.
That's what we've been waiting to hear.
That's my woman.
Time to go to bed, petite guy labelle.
- Time to go to bed.
- Nice.
Go to bed, but not with your wife.
One slight problem is that he's aaylws got these goons Hanging around h just like on the ic - true.
So if I could just maybe get past the goons, get in there, Grab the back of his shirt, pull it over his head-- - Boom, he's done.
- That's a great plan.
- What about the goons though? - You need to distract them.
- No no.
- Yes.
I don't want to get involved with the goons.
- Here he comes.
And he's with rochelle.
- I went to the mall.
- Zip it.
Zip it.
- I went to the mall.
Pardona me.
Mr.
Labelle, excuse me.
That's not how you say it.
I don't have time for autographs either.
Guy, this is the o I was telling you about.
- My ex.
- Ah, the husband.
Listen, I am very sorry For all of this sex Which I have been having with your wife.
You're sorry? - Believe me, I'm not sorry in that way.
I have no regrets, believe me.
It's been wonderful.
Very aggressive.
You know, wonderful lovemaking.
But for you, I acknowledge that it is unfortunate.
Right.
Timmy, Why don't you go get his friend a beer So that mr.
Labelle and I can talk about hockey and whatnot? Can I buy you a beer? I'm your number-one fan.
Why? I never play.
I've never scored a goal.
Still, I mean, the team is only as good As its weakest-- worst player.
Thanks for inbrging mdoe wn.
- Let me buy you a beer.
- All right, here it is.
Rochelle, I apologize for throwing your flowers on the ice And telling you to shut it zip it as I was tryi to win you back.
And petite guy, I like you a lot, But I need to take you down now.
- Rodney, what are you-- - baby, I need to.
For beating me up? Would you just stop? I hn to make, okay? - Hmm? - I'm pregnant.
Oh, and this is the part where I usually leave.
- Goodbye.
- What? I've never seen that guy move that fast imyn life.
And you know what? It's not yours.
- It's his.
- Wait.
I'm so sorry, rodney.
Baby, why would you be sorry? This is the best of both worlds.
- It is? - Yeah.
Now I get to be with the girl that I love And raise a boy who naturally comes With 400 career goals.
I mean, the guy will be a scorer that comes out of you.
Do you know what I mean? I love you so fucking much, baby.
I love you too you fat son of a bitch.
Now get over here and squeeze my ass.
- Oh, give it up, whore.
- You fat fuck.
Wow, I don't know if that was romantic or offensive.
- Here's a question.
- Yeah? You don't seem to kn much about hockey.
So why were you buying me beers this whole time? I can come clean now.
I was just distracting you.
- Rodney was going to fight petite guy.
- Fight petite guy? But he's not.
It's clearly a happy ending.
So it's a great night for everyone.
- Well, not for you.
- No? Hey hey, what are you doing? Those guys just make it look so easy.
Wow, this is not-- This is not the way you want to end your night.