The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e02 Episode Script

Percey Davis Boulevard; Cool Uncle Stu Balls

Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
Who is that guy? Ah, Percey.
Who is that guy? What can I do for you today over my breakfast? You can give me a huge enormous hug.
- Pull up a chair.
- Oh, thanks.
Listen, I just have one little favor to ask of you - and then I'm out of here.
- Shoot.
Go ahead.
Uh, I need something named after me.
Maybe a street or an airport.
Bang, done.
You-- you need something named after you? Yes, a street or an airport.
Your call.
Maybe a park.
Why would I possibly do that? I'm starting to think about my life and I want to be remembered as a great man.
Then I'd recommend that you do something great.
That hurts.
Why would you hurt me? Well, I'm-- I'm just being honest.
I've done nothing.
52 years and I've done nothing.
Dad! Can you hear me? What have I done wrong? Where did I go wrong? You're right.
I'm not good enough.
I should have caught that fly ball.
It was in my glove.
Okay, you know what? If it'll get you out of my office we can give you one of those honorary street names.
Really? Like the one you did for Regis? You're a prominent black business leader so it's plausible on some level.
We'll just make it a low profile downtown block.
I'll take whatever I can get.
This is an enormous honor.
Well, not really.
You just cried and you begged Oh man, this is not-- not my day.
- How'd your interview go? - Not good.
They checked my references.
Marie mentions tittie-fucking.
- Tanya calls me a little bitch.
- Mm-hmm.
They don't want to hire you when they hear that kind of stuff.
You know, I can't say that I've been looking for a job, but it's been really frustrating.
Nothing has fallen into my lap.
It's Obamacare.
You know what I mean? This country's going in the wrong direction.
The boss? What the fuck is the boss calling me for? - Hello? - Hello? - Hello? - Boss? - This is the boss.
- You called me.
Leave a message at the beep.
I'm just kidding.
Tim, it's the boss.
- I don't miss this at all.
- Hello? - This kind of stuff.
- Is this a recording? Oh my God.
What do you want? I'm eating lunch with my unemployed friends.
Oh don't.
Put down your fork.
How would you like to come have lunch with me? - Nah.
- What if I told you that if you got here in 10 minutes, I'd have a job for you? - You don't say.
- No, I said that.
- I'm gonna be there in 10 minutes.
- Yeah, 10 min-- I've got to go, guys.
Something better came up.
I'd be offended, but it's not hard to top this as far as invites go.
Here you go, boys.
Jerky for breakfast.
I am not a runner.
I am not built for running.
Well well well.
The fly falls into the spider's web.
- Hey hey hey.
- Hey.
- Get up against the wall.
- What? Why? - Get up against the wall.
- I'm here to meet the boss.
Yeah? Yeah well, you're gonna meet me first, all right? - Let go of my arm.
- What are you doing with your hand? - What are you doing with your hand? - Nothing.
Chicken wing, chicken wing.
I'm chicken winging you.
- This is a chicken wing.
- What are you doing? - What's in the bag, punk? - A banana, a peach and my laptop.
Oh yeah? You taking a little attitude? - All right, here we go.
- What are we doing? - Pepper spray! Pepper spray! - Oh no! - That's what you get.
Feel that.
- Oh my God! - All right? - I'm blind, oh my God.
- Yeah.
- Freddy.
He's with me.
- All right, take care, guys.
- You just back off.
You keep an eye out for flash mobs.
How's it going, Tim? I'm blind.
I can't see.
Too blind to eat? There's nothing funny about what just happened.
I know, I didn't even see it so what am I laughing at? Oh, Tim.
I've missed you too.
Is that why the tears are-- I mean-- it's from the pepper spray.
Remember? Right, yes.
That was a bit unfortunate.
So what's going on? Am I getting my job back? No, you were a complete incompetent boob.
You're not gonna get that job back.
You said you had a job opportunity.
That's why I ran up here.
Listen, let me ask you a quick question.
Do you consider yourself to be like a strong clapper? - Can I clap? - Yeah, clap.
Give us a clap.
- I'm not gonna clap in here.
- Give us a clap.
- You want me to clap? - Yeah yeah, and throw in a hoot.
Maybe a holler.
Something like that.
Like a proud black woman.
Let's hear some.
That is good.
What do you do? You get air in the middle of that? Just the way I hold my hands.
That's pretty good.
That pretty pretty good.
Okay, hoot.
Hoot a bit.
Whoo-hoo! Ooh, yeah! - Yeah girl.
- Fantastic.
Well, you're hired.
To do what? I'm confused.
Listen, New York City is naming a block after me.
- You? - Yeah me.
Okay, so what do I-- what's my job? Oh well, I need you and however many other homeless men you can round up to come and holler and yell and root me on.
I'm a little worried nobody will show.
So I'm offering you Wow, this is insulting.
This is beneath me.
Tim, there is nothing beneath you.
You're a blind unemployed person.
I'm leaving the restaurant.
Have a nice life.
The days of pushing Tim around are over.
I thought those days were just getting started.
Hey, how'd your interview go? Not good.
They called the references.
They bring up tittie-fucking every time.
That's always gonna come back to bite you, huh? - It's so frustrating.
- Wait, are you crying? Oh, oh no.
I got pepper sprayed at Omnicorp.
- Omnicorp? - The boss called.
He had some job.
- He wanted me to clap for him for $60.
- And? - I told him to suck my dick.
- Really? I said, "suck my dick, pal.
" And I dumped a bowl of soup on his head.
- Wow.
- I didn't do that.
- No, I didn't think so.
- I left though.
I left and said I'd prefer not to.
Yeah, but why? I mean just take the clapping job.
- You don't expect a lot out of me, do you? - I mean he-- $60 to clap? That's humiliating.
Yeah, but it's more than that.
The guy's reaching out to you.
- He likes you.
- Nah.
It's networking.
You go there, you clap.
Why don't you go clap for $60? Because I have a job.
That's a good comeback.
Why are we doing this again? The guy fired us.
We've got to stay on his good side, you know? If things change we'll be e first to get rehired.
Oh, look at this.
Tim, I can't believe you actually showed.
And you brought your lemmings.
Well, I wouldn't call them that.
- Tim and the lemmings.
- Wrong foot.
I thought you were in a doo-wop band named Tim and the lemmings.
- Nope.
- Listen, I'm sorry I stormed out the other day.
- No.
- I was just taken aback that you wanted to pay me.
- Really? - I'm not here for money.
I'm here because you're one of my best friends.
- Really? - I don't want to get sappy, but I love you.
I am moved.
I am truly moved.
I just hope that one day I can repay the favor.
- Maybe you can rehire me.
- That'd be kind of tricky.
- But, I mean, who knows? - You never know.
If there is one thing in this world that I value, it is loyalty.
And if there's one thing I value, it's being loyal.
I've got to go.
But thanks again for making it.
- I mean what a day.
- You ass kisser.
We'll do it for free.
What the fuck was that? You just French kissed his rectum.
We'll do it mayor.
Thank you for coming.
And please note the doughnuts are not free so stop taking them.
They're $2 each.
Anyway, onto the business at hand.
We are here today to dedicate a block of Manhattan after a great man.
A man with So many accomplishments it's difficult for me to begin to list them.
I give you Percey Davis.
- All right.
- That's my boy! Did you have any idea that his last name was Davis? I had no idea his first name was Percey.
- We love you, buddy.
- You go, girl.
Thank you, everybody.
And please please, call me the boss.
I wouldn't be here today if wasn't for the pioneering spirit of such amazing black leaders as Malcolm X, Malcolm Jamal Warner, Raven Symone, George Dzundza.
Good lord, what is going on down there? What is happening? Is this okay? This is fitting because I am commonly known as a unifier.
When I went to tufts I had a run-in with a young Chinaman not unlike the head of the dragon there who He's not exactly commanding respect up there.
- This is kind of embarrassing.
- Putting a damper on it to say the least.
Again, it's my day.
We're here for me.
- I'm a hero.
- Oh, he's dying up there.
- I'm gonna do something.
I'm gonna step in.
- Do what? I'm gonna talk to the guys.
I'm gonna talk to them.
I don't know if that's that a good idea, Tim.
Why? If I can't talk to a parade of Chinese guys in a dragon, who can? - the reasons why I'm a unifier.
- Hey, boss.
Excuse me.
I'm dying here, Tim.
I know you are.
It's really the worst speech I've ever heard.
- I don't know what to do.
- I'm gonna go talk to them.
You speak mandarin? Cantonese? - I-- I actually do.
- What? - I never tell people that.
- Unbeliev-- I will still.
- You go, please.
- You know why I'm doing it? - I have no idea.
- 'Cause I care about you.
- I can't get emotional, Tim.
- All right.
Hey, guys.
I've got a request.
With all due respect, can I ask you to keep it down? Sorry, bro.
We light fireworks at our funerals, all right? It's all part of the ceremony.
This is a funeral? - Yeah.
- What kind of crazy funeral is that? It's not a crazy funeral, it's a funeral.
You're dancing in a dragon.
They're very expensive so we try to use them throughout the year.
I'm pretty sure it's just a new year's thing, but you know-- Hey listen, this is my dad's funeral, all right? You're interrupting it telling me I'm being Chinese wrong.
Hey, what the hell is going on out here? This dude over here, he's telling us that we shouldn't be using fireworks and that we're being Chinese wrong.
What? Did somebody tell him it's all part of the ceremony? I tried to, but he was already starting to defend himself.
Like he's been to Chinatown once.
Can I talk? Can Tim talk or is the dragon gonna talk? - What's up? - I'm just saying can you please keep it down? There are a lot of cultures coexisting in harmony here and I'd like you to keep it down for five minutes.
- Well, it's my dad's funeral, sir.
- Oh my God.
So we have to dance in a dragon and we have to light some fireworks 'cause that's part of the ceremony.
Listen, here's 20 bucks.
Keep it down for five minutes so we can give a quick speech and we're gonna get out of here.
- What? - Here it comes in the mouth.
Coming in the mouth.
- What the fuck did you just throw in my mouth, man? - 20 bucks.
- Are you-- - It's not your mouth.
- It's the dragon's mouth.
- You just shit on it, man.
- You shit in our mouth.
- That's the ultimate sign of disrespect.
Honestly, I have nothing but respect for the Chinese culture.
You know what? Give me two seconds.
Oh my God, that is just killing me.
Tell me you're not trying to make your eyes look Chinese right now.
- What? - Oh, hell no.
No, they irritate me.
I got pepper sprayed.
You're gonna get a lot worse than pepper sprayed, 'cause this ends now.
- Okay, listen up.
- Hey, everybody listen up.
- Everybody listen up.
- Oh God.
- This guy here - This douche.
- has made it clear how you feel about our funeral.
- Yeah.
Well, let us tell you how we feel about your event.
Yeah, let's do it! Nooo! Yeah! Typical Chinese bullshit going after the doughnuts.
I knew this was a bad idea.
I'm not a history buff, ladies and gentlemen, but I will say this.
I haven't seen Asians this upset since the pol pot regime in Cambodia.
From this day forward, when people think of senseless violence and horrible racism they will think only of the name Percey b.
A baby just got thrown into my head.
People are throwing babies.
I am bleeding right now.
I am on fire.
What are you possibly doing here? Listen, I know I'm not getting my job back.
You will never ever ever work here again.
If that's what you're here-- if that's what you're-- don't even ask.
Honestly, I just wanted to quickly inquire about that clapping money.
I know I said I'd do it for free but I threw 20 in the dragon's mouth, the cab fare, I never even got any doughnuts.
Please? Tim, you have absolutely no shame, do you? - I really don't, do I? - No shame at all.
It's a well-documented fact.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
- Can we see the other boob or what? - I showed you a boob.
You want to see the other one, I want a hat.
All right, hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Two t-shirts.
- T-shirts are bullshit.
Give me a hat! You know, I'm tempted to abort this marathon, but we only have, like, seven videos left.
I mean the standards for having "gone wild" have gone way down.
What up? It's Stu.
Stu, it's me, Abe.
Abe my nephew? - That's right.
- Are you with your parents? No, I'm flying solo on this shit, man.
- Buzz me up.
- All right, come on up.
Who's Abe? It's my sister's son.
He kind of worships me.
Why would he worship you? 'Cause at Thanksgiving I still sit at the kids' table.
So it's, you know, kind of easy to come across as cool, I guess.
- Cool Uncle Stu balls.
- Abe.
- Hey.
- What the hell happened to your hair? Oh well, you know how you're always saying bald guys get all the chicks? - You told him that? - Yeah.
I might have mentioned it.
But you look like a monk.
- A monk who's getting junk.
- What? - Lady junk.
- Oh, okay.
What are you doing here, Abe? Oh, I ran away from home.
- Uh-oh.
- What? Why would you run away from home? It's this fucking bar mitzvah, you know? It's like my mom and dad are always pushing me.
The yarmulke, the torah.
The yarmulke, the torah.
When is your bar mitzvah? I didn't even get an invitation to it.
Oh, they don't want you there.
They say you're a bad influence.
Me a bad influence? Yeah, they say if you don't study Judaism and go to temple you'll end up like Stu.
And that's a bad thing in their mind? - Oh, it's a terrible thing, yeah.
- You know what? Maybe it's time you take a little break from Judaism and start really taking a crash course in Studaism.
- Yeah! I like it.
- See what I did there? - Let's Stu this.
- Oh good.
- Here we go.
Here we go.
- O'Flaherty's.
- Here we go.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Absolutely not.
Can't have children in here.
They will shut me down.
He's not a child.
He's having his bar mitzvah next week.
Which by Jewish law means that he is now a man.
Yeah okay, that works for me.
What are you drinking? - Jagermeister.
- And what are you gonna wash that down with? - Pinot noir.
- Nice, okay.
- You can't serve the kid a drink.
- Did you not hear that? - These laws came down from God on tablets.
- Thank you.
You gonna mess with that? I'm not gonna mess with that.
- Thank you.
- Let's get some shots going.
But if he pukes, you're cleaning it up, you got it? Like it says in the tablets.
Nice, bro.
I do not condone this.
- Come on, Tim.
- Yeah, you're starting to sound like Abe's dad.
Oh, do the voice.
Do the impression of my dad.
Stu, you are such an embarrassment.
Abe, you are easily impressed, I've got to say.
Seriously, guys.
We can't go into a club with the kid.
Come on, Tim.
Take it easy.
Let's just roll with it.
Ho ho, whoa.
Not happening, guys.
Afraid it's gonna be a while, fellas.
How long? Probably until we stop letting cool attractive people into the club.
- What? - So how's never? Is that a good time frame for you? Is he trying to suggest that we're not cool? - Trust me, these guys are cool.
- Trust me, they're not.
Uncle Stu, do your impression of my dad.
- That'll show him.
- Don't bust it out now.
It goes, "you're such an embarrassment.
" Clear the area.
Take your grandpa with you.
Get the fuck out of here.
You wouldn't do that if Jamie Foxx rolled up doing ray.
- Are you Jamie Foxx? - No.
- Are you doing ray? - Huh-uh.
- Are you doing some obnoxious Jewish person? - Maybe.
Okay, just get the fuck out of here.
All right, guys, let's regroup here, okay? I know usually I'm the one who wants to party.
- No you're not.
- Not true.
First time I met you and I know that's not you.
I'm just saying someone's got to be responsible.
The kid's 12.
Let's just wrap up the night.
- Let's call it a night.
- No, I'm with you.
I forgot to take the choking hazards out of the crib - for the baby so I should probably get back.
- All right.
- All right? - Fine.
All right.
Good seeing you, buddy.
We are so not calling it a night.
Let's rip this city a big old butthole.
Where do you learn these phrases? They're awesome.
Um, rap songs.
You ready to take this night up a notch? - Two notches, man.
- So what are we gonna do here, huh? - All right, here's what I want.
- Uh-huh.
Mermaid with huge, bare gazongas.
- Gazongas, huh? - It's a current term.
It is not a current term, my friend.
You've been using it all night.
Yeah, and I heard Judd Hirsch use it last week.
- Anyway.
- These days we're calling 'em jugs.
We're pretty much all onboard calling 'em jugs.
Look, let's not split hairs, bro.
Well, let's do it.
Let's tell the part of the world that sees your bare ass to go eff itself.
- There we go.
- All right, all right.
That was just a cotton swab with some rubbing alcohol.
All right, okay.
All right, we're all done.
- Buddy, all I got is mer.
There's no maid yet.
- Stu, it's just scales.
- You want jugs on your can or what? - No! I'm getting out of here and I'm taking my tushy with me.
Please don't call it a tushy in here.
- Just call it an ass.
- Yeah right, that would be better.
- Uncle Stu balls? - Over here.
Oh my God.
Are you okay? Yup.
How cool does my new tat look, huh? Oh yeah, real cool.
So did you decide what you're getting? You know, why don't we just go home right now and start tomorrow fresh? Yeah, tomorrow's no good for me.
I've got to go pick up my prescription of pubicia.
- Pubicia? - It's Propecia for my pubic hair.
- What? - My penis is going bald.
Keep getting cooler and cooler, Stu.
Abe and Stu, day two let's do this.
Abe, where you at, man? Oh fuck.
Oh God.
All right.
Hello? Hey, Rachel.
It's Stu.
Ugh, you.
You know what? I know already.
Abe's home.
Oh God, that is great news.
Okay, you took him to a bar and a nightclub? - Sort of.
- And you showed him pornography? - It was soft-core porn.
- It doesn't matter.
I don't want you exposing my son to that.
What is wrong with you? Where do I start? I'm assuming he told you about my bald penis.
Are you out of your mind telling your sister something like that? You asked me a question and I answered you, Rachel.
- Just put him on the phone.
- He doesn't want to talk to you.
What do you mean he doesn't want to talk to me? I'm his cool Uncle Stu balls.
- You know what? He had an epiphany.
- What? Seeing you in action, now he wants to study, work hard and lead a devout Jewish life.
He wants to be the anti-Stu.
That's anti-stumitic it's the greatest thing that has ever happened.
It's the first productive thing you have ever done for this family, so we're thrilled.
See you at Thanksgiving.
The anti-Stu? - No, just relax.
- I mean, we haven't heard from him in days.
- That is not like Stu.
- That's true.
He generally calls me three times a day.
That's a different issue altogether.
All right, let me call him.
You've reached Stu balls.
If you have a message or an answer to the question "why is life so terrible?" Let me know.
Leave it at the beep.
Hey, Stu.
Tim and Amy here.
Just checking in.
Catch you later.
Sounds pretty good.
All right, Amy, I'm gonna check in the couch area.
You check the bathroom and check the kitchen.
What's wrong? - Look.
- Oh boy.
- Yeah, he killed himself.
- Oh boy.
- And that smell.
- It always smells like that actually.
- Okay.
- Maybe he's okay.
- Amy.
- Yes? I need you to relax.
I need you to relax.
- Need you to get me some boiling water.
- What? - Tim.
- This is-- holy shit! You've got to relax.
- Tim, Amy's in control.
- That's probably a better idea.
- Okay, Amy's in control.
- What do you do? - I'm calling 911.
- That's what you do.
- Try to wake him up.
- All right.
- Hey, buddy.
- Smack him.
All right, let me-- I'm gonna smack you, pal.
Oh! - Stu.
- I saved him.
Amy and a little lady.
This is why I don't check on people.
Who cares what your nephew thinks? We think you are an amazing person.
Amy, would you mind just stroking my hair a little bit? - Of course I will.
- Thanks.
- Stroke-- stroke his hair? - Listen, we are always here for you, okay? - Yeah.
- Don't ever feel like you're alone.
Yeah, call us if you need us.
We're gonna zip out.
Whatever you need anytime.
Would you mind just sitting on the bed? - Sure.
Here, scoot over.
- Sit on the bed? - Why are you getting in the bed? - Tim, he needs this right now.
I think we've made the point.
We love the guy.
He's a good dude.
Just push up against me a little bit.
- Like that? - Yeah, right there.
- Okay.
- Breathe some hot air on my neck.
I can feel your heartbeat.
Oh, Stu.
Could you get your gown back on? Thank you.
Visiting hours are over.
- His gown's not on? - All right, guys, thank you.
If you feel alone, call.
- I will.
- Suicide is not the answer.
I love you guys.
Stu, why do your friends think that you tried to kill yourself? 'Cause I basically did.
No, you basically got sick on rotten hot dogs and expired acid reflux pills.
Get in bed with me.
All right, take your gown back off.
- Bar'chu-- - No, add the "ch.
" Don't be afraid.
- Bar'chu.
- Phlegm is a natural part of the human being.
Bar'chu et adonai.
- Bar'chu et adonai.
- Nice.
- Thank you.
- That's nice.
- Hey.
- Hey, hello.
- Am I interrupting? - No, there's never an interruption.
It's just another moment that we're having.
Can I just talk to Abe real quick? Absolutely.
My temple is your temple.
I mean not legally, but in a general way.
I didn't think you legally signed it over.
Let me just talk for a minute.
- I'll be over here whenever you need me.
- Nice rabbi.
- Good guy.
- Look, we've got to talk here.
After your visit Stu felt very rejected.
- The guy attempted suicide.
- What? This is terrible.
Are you saying it's my fault? No no, it's not all your fault.
- It's largely your fault.
- Largely my fault? - A little bit.
- What can I do? I can't do anything.
You know what? You can invite him to your bar mitzvah.
Oh yeah, consider it done.
Of course, yes yes yes.
You know what? Do something even beyond that.
Just something extra nice.
A little special gesture.
Get him a little money clip or something.
I gave him a money clip last year.
A tie clip? Some kind of clip.
- Oh my God, I've got the perfect idea.
- Yeah? What? You know what? Why don't you come and see for yourself? Come Saturday.
Come to my bar mitzvah.
- Eh.
- Eh? - Come on.
It's fun, man.
- Is it? And, Tim, thank you so much for the help and advice.
I mean you're like a backup rabbi to me.
- I'm very similar to a backup rabbi.
- Rabbi Tim.
Did you call me, guys? Was I called? - No, I said rabbi Tim.
- All right.
Going up, going down Booty moving all around get it up, get it right grab a little piece of loaded die All right, everybody.
Settle down.
Okay, come on, everybody.
I need your attention up here.
Take it away, Abe.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I just want to thank everyone, you know, for the special day.
Obviously my mom and my dad and rabbi.
But there's one person I especially want to thank.
And that's my dear Uncle Stu.
- Oh no.
- There he goes.
That was nice.
Stu's, you know, always been a person I looked up to and I just-- I want to let him know I still do.
So at the advice of his friend Tim I did something special.
- Right here.
- You know I've always called my Cool Uncle Stu Balls - Cool Uncle Stu Balls.
- Ha ha, yeah.
So as the ultimate gesture of respect I went into the city last night and got the Hebrew symbol for Stu tattooed under my balls.
What? - What? - Nobody panic.
- Tim, thank you so much.
- Tim! - No no.
- If it wasn't for Tim, this wouldn't have happened.
So thank you.
I literally said you should do something nice.
- You fucked my son's eternity.
- Wow.
Do you understand that he cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery? - Why not? - Because you cannot defile your body.
Tattoos are forbidden in Jewish law.
They are verboten, if you prefer the German, and we usually don't.
Before everyone continues to stare at me, if discretion is the goal, under the balls is one of the least viewed places - on the body.
- Ugh.
- Not for me, man.
- Abe, it's not the time.
Tim, you are such an embarrassment.
This is not the time for levity, but Stu does a spot-on you.
- That's impressive.
- Isn't it? - That is funny.
- Thanks, Tim.
That means a lot to me.
And, brother, if I stepped on a worn-out dime I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.