The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e09 Episode Script
The Well Dressed Snitch; Pray for the Jets
( Theme music playing ) Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
Look who brought a bottle of wine.
Hey! Yay, you made it.
Hey.
Everything looks great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Give me a hug, little lady.
Oh, Tim.
Seriously? Seriously? What's wrong? You don't want a hug? My invite said semi-formal.
Is that semi-formal? Of course.
I'm wearing my jacket.
You're wearing it over jeans and a t-shirt.
- Look around at everyone else.
- That's the look.
The look of what? Corey Feldman? Didn't you see the eVite, bro? Semi-formal.
I saw it.
I bought this jacket for the event.
- When? In 2003? - Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- ( Laughing ) Nailed it.
I've seen you wear this outfit before, by the way.
- Holy shit.
- You wore this at my barbecue last year.
You played wiffle ball in this outfit.
- Buddy, I remember that.
- Julie.
You slid into home and did a poop in your shorts.
Does anyone have a pair of pants I can borrow? - Wow.
- Nobody has pants to lend me? Why would people bring two pairs of pants to a party? I try.
I try attend these things.
- I try to have fun.
- But you don't try, Tim.
I put the jacket on.
I do the whole thing.
Honestly, when I saw this pretty girl walk in, I thought the taxi guy that brought her here was walking her in.
Wearing an amazing blazer.
Oh, Julie, you can suck my cock.
- Hey, I'm Garvey.
- Hey, Tim.
I'm on your side.
A sharp jacket dresses up - Both: Any outfit.
- It's a bold choice to make.
Without the jacket you're just another homeless guy.
- But you know how to put it together - Thank you.
- and look nice with it.
- Thank you.
Hey, did I hear someone say that you worked at Omnicorp? Yeah, I do.
I'm a junior V.
P.
, actually.
How old are you? Like 21? - 25.
- Are you like one of those geniuses or something? - Similar.
- Are you like a Mensa genius? - Similar.
- Wow, I didn't know this was gonna be this kind of party.
Look, this might be presumptuous but, would you be interested in doing a photo shoot for "GQ"? - You joking? - I am putting together a piece on the face of young corporate America.
Regular guys looking sharp, redefining business wear.
Just exactly like you are right standing in front of me right now.
It's amazing.
The best night of my life.
Let me get your details and I'm out of here.
That's fantastic.
Here's a card.
Wow.
People still have cards.
- Julie: So cute too.
- Hey, there you are.
Guess what? Yours truly here was just asked to pose for "GQ.
" Why-- what? - What do you mean? - Surprising turn of events, no? Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
You will see it and you will believe it.
If you say so.
Hate to say suck on that, but why don't you suck on that? I just can't understand why they'd be more interested in you than someone like me-- handsome, accomplished.
They're calliing for me this time.
But you're not "good to look at.
" A lot of people-- a lot of people think I'm great looking.
Like who? List a couple.
I don't have names off the top of my head.
Just throw out a name.
- Janet.
- Who's Janet? - Sue.
- That name just kind of-- people think I'm good looking.
That's the bottom line.
Listen, it's not to knock you.
It's just that the gist of the article is the face of young corporate America.
They want guys who are skyrocketing to the top.
So you're trying to suggest that I'm not young.
I mean I'm younger than you, wouldn't you think? - Can I just have permission? - Yes, go.
Do it.
But listen, if they change their minds I'll be lurking awkwardly near the shoot at all times.
I would expect nothing less.
- This is happening.
- You're gonna be in good hands.
This is Maxie right here.
He's gonna photograph you.
And I'll be around if you need me.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah, break a leg.
- So you're Max? - Hey, shut it! It's Maxie.
You heard him say Maxie, right? - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Okay, so don't call me Max.
Max is a name for, like, butchers.
- Oh.
- Or like a dog you see on the street that somebody's yelling at for taking a shit all over the place.
Wow.
Maxie it is.
So which one of these outfits is speaking to you, Tim? I was gonna say something.
None of these are really my style.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh my God, did I mess up? - Are you gonna insult me? I can see it coming.
- No.
It's just I didn't realize when you came in here in, like, dollar a pound clothes that that was something you thought was style.
I'm just saying I can't pull off some of these looks.
Tim, I'm about to do you the biggest favor in your whole life.
- Oh really? What are you doing? - Yup.
- Trust me.
- Hey, no no.
Please.
Say goodbye to the old you, Tim.
Boom! ( Toilet gurgles ) It would have been better if the clothes had gone down the toilet.
- You get the point.
- Do I? Here we go, Tim.
This is the new secret weapon of your fashion arsenal-- a chunky scarf.
Chunky scarf? I can't wear a chunky scarf.
- Chunky scarf.
- They're gonna make fun of me.
Shut your stupid face hole and put this chunky scarf on.
All right, guys.
You look a little bit more confused than normal.
Let me explain.
"GQ" is here.
There's a photo shoot.
- Everybody cooperate.
- What are they photographing? There's really no better way to say this-- - Tim.
- Tim? - Tim.
- That's bullshit.
- I know.
- He's the worst dressed person here.
Stan, I have it duly noted.
Seriously.
I mean I'm friends with the guy, but "GQ"? Come on.
Hey.
- Wow.
- Whoa.
Wow good or wow bad? Tim, you look great.
Nice.
You're not gonna make fun of the scarf? No, I was actually going to the pants.
Your butt looks really good in those.
- Looks nice? - Super flattering.
- Nice curve to it? - Yeah, I like the way it cups.
- I'd cook muffins for you.
- Is that a euphemism? I would do reverse Asian cowgirl with you right now.
Took it a little far, but this is exciting.
All right, let's shoot this.
How's this? How's this? - Tim, okay.
Look - You getting what you need? - No, Tim, I'm not.
- You like this? Because every time I take a picture of you it looks like you just had a fart and you think something wet came out.
Okay? That's the face you're making.
You don't like the hands- in-the-pockets pose? I don't like the hands in the pockets, I don't like the clenched butt, I don't like how much you're sweating.
I'm gonna be honest with you, Tim.
- Where is your confidence? - What do you mean? Right now you look like you're watching your girlfriend fuck the drummer from Bon Jovi.
- Tico Torres? - Yes.
Why him in particular? Excuse me.
I'm really sorry to interject here, but I'm a confident, handsome, very young man.
- You, sir, are perfect.
- Tim: Excuse me? Take off that jacket and you sit in the chair.
All right, why not? I mean I like modeling.
- What's going on here? - This is the scenario, okay, Tim? Sir, you are the incompetent employee.
Tim, I want you to scream at him, okay? - Right into his stupid face.
- Okay.
I don't think anybody necessarily would believe that this face is stupid.
Everything that comes out of it sounds stupid.
- What am I-- - Wow, met his match.
Okay, so here we go.
Just roll with it, Tim.
Just let whatever comes out come out.
- Hey, you incompetent buffoon.
- Yeah, this is good.
This is good.
I ought to bend you over and ream you from behind.
- Okay, that's-- - No? Too much? That's taking it in a direction that's a little weird.
- Seems a bit excessive and derogatory.
- Okay.
Maxie: Tim, I just want to say you're doing great.
Thank you very much.
I feel confident.
You look confident.
- The scarf looks good? - The scarf is amazing.
You know who wears a scarf like that? - Who? - Tico Torres.
Garvey: Wow, Tim.
He says you did a great job.
You got past looking awkward and ugly and came out of your shell eventually.
That's-- I'm glad you came around, man.
I honestly feel like a new man altogether.
I can't wait for my girlfriend to see me like this.
Well, you can't keep the clothes.
Oh no, I've got to keep the clothes.
- Those are expensive clothes.
- Come on, Garv.
- Just come on, pal.
- No.
Shortening my name doesn't make it happen.
Listen, can we just go over there and maybe take one more shot? - At her office? - Yeah.
It's like an executive hailing a cab, ducking into another office.
Maxie, I believe I have you the whole day.
No problem.
Then let's make this happen.
Tim, take your victory lap, champ.
- All right.
Here we go, Max.
- Do not call me Max.
- I totally forgot.
- I have asked you.
All right, let's get a shot over here for "GQ.
" And let's get a few in the lobby for the "GQ" shoot with me.
- Tim? - Oh hey, Amy.
- Oh, is this your office? - What are you doing here? We're shooting in different buildings around town.
- Tim? - Oh, Julie.
You're here? Yeah, I work with Amy.
I forgot.
I'm just so caught up in the fashion world.
- What are you doing? - Just shooting for "GQ.
" That's happening? I thought you were kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding with this chunky scarf around my neck? Tim, for once in your life you don't look like a complete imbecile.
Nicer ways to phrase a compliment, but thank you.
- What a great day.
- Was it? - Yes.
- I'm gonna need those clothes back now.
I've got to go home and change, I guess.
- You flushed my clothes.
- Was that you? - That was me.
- Feels like forever ago, right? - I can just bring them back tomorrow.
- Okay, fine.
Here's the card.
Give them to Garvey yourself, all right? - Oh cool, just go to "GQ"? - Yeah.
Nice.
That'd be fun to see the place.
All right, don't get weird.
- ( Dogs barking ) - ( Speaking Russian ) "GQ" is in a studio apartment above a deli? ( Buzzes ) Garvey? Where am I? Oh, Tim.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I thought I was going to "GQ.
" Here you are.
Here I am? This isn't "GQ.
" I'm G.
Q.
Garvey Quantelbaum.
This isn't happening.
You told me I was doing a shoot for "GQ" magazine.
"GQ" what? - "GQ" magazine.
- "GQ" magazine.
You thought I was talking about the magazine? - Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
This is not good.
Why would you think I am a magazine? Why would you do this to me? Why would you ruin my life? - I didn't do anything.
- Holy fuck.
You assume weird things.
Wait, what is that? What is that? - Tim, I'm gonna be straight with you.
- Okay.
- I'm writing an expose of Omnicorp.
- Okay.
But those files I stole are useless.
If you'll give me an interview about Omnicorp's corporate malfeasance, I'll try to get you into the hallowed pages of "GQ" magazine.
See how I said that? I appreciate the clarity, but could you even do that? I have a lot of friends over there.
- I used to work there.
- Oh, really? Yes, I worked there for a quarter.
For a quarter of a year? Yeah.
They break it up into quarters over there.
So he says my picture could still possibly get in "GQ" if I cooperate with him.
- What do you think? - Go for it.
- Really? - You don't owe Omnicorp anything.
If I talk they'll find out.
They'll kill me.
They'll never find out.
You're an anonymous source.
- You think? - Yeah, rule number one of journalism: You can't reveal your anonymous sources.
- I like that.
- Do it.
And plus, I've got to say, from where I'm standing, it's the socially responsible thing to do.
Don't pretend, okay, that you're trying to do something good.
I'm part of the solution.
I'm not part of the problem.
- Tim.
- And I look good doing it.
- Tim, is that you? - Hey, shh.
Tim, what are you doing? Why are we in a parking garage in Brooklyn? I could have come to your apartment.
What is this, amateur hour? Yeah it is.
Why aren't we in an apartment? Lower your voice.
Lean against something and let's do this.
Oh boy.
You want to dive into this? Let's do it.
You're a very loud talker.
Omnicorp is closing the San Francisco office.
Are they outsourcing jobs? San Francisco? I didn't know we had an office there.
Where did you think the office was on the west coast? Phoenix.
I didn't know we had one.
I'm sorry.
- I'm making things up.
- Phoenix isn't on the coast.
Let's go to the next question.
Omnicorp stock-- Why does it keep rising even after failing to meet quarterly earning forecasts? Why are the stocks rising? - I-- - Say it.
It's the-- didn't know you could buy stock in omnicorp to be honest.
Is this your way of getting out of the answer? I thought we were owned by Pizza Hut.
You did not think that.
You think Pizza Hut-- omnicorp sounds like something smaller than Pizza Hut? I could have sworn I read it on something.
I saw it on some paper.
I think you ordered Pizza Hut one day and it was sitting on top of one of your papers.
- That might have been it.
- Hey, you know what, Tim? I think I've got everything that I need.
- Everything? Really? - Yeah.
I think I've got the full picture here.
So I'm gonna leave now.
I'm gonna leave you to your Humphrey bogart scenario you got going with yourself here.
You want a sleek, slimming look.
- No more pleats, okay? - No pleats.
- No pleats.
- Porque no pleats? - Just don't wear the pleats.
- A sleek and slimming look.
Yo, Timbo, you'd better come downstairs.
- Yeah? What's up? - Dude, your magazine is out.
He got me in "GQ"? That's amazing.
Uh no, bro.
Not "GQ.
" It's some kind of corporate magazine with an article about you.
I was supposed to be anonymous.
Yeah, Stan brought a whole stack and he's passing them out.
Unbelievable.
I got to get down there.
Dude, are you wearing mascara? Mascara, no.
What is that shit under your eyes then? Some people call it guyliner in certain circles.
It's just-- Don't even ask.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
- ( Elevator dings ) - All right, hold on.
Everyone put the magazines down.
Stan, what are you doing? Looky here.
It's the douchebag of the hour.
- Welcome, Tim.
- That's not who it is.
- You're just in time.
- I just want to apologize, first of all, - to upper management.
- Hmm, that's me.
I talked to the press.
I hope there was nothing too sensitive.
I did not mean for the company to look bad.
Truth is, the company looks pretty good.
- Take it away, Stan.
- Tim: What? "The American corporate structure is fraught with corruption.
But during a recent investigation I discovered a more insidious problem-- - Idiocy.
" - Is that the same as idiot? "Meet Tim, a young V.
P.
whose lack of loyalty drove him to rat out his own company, but whose ignorance rendered him unable to accomplish even that.
I would, however, like to apologize in advance if it turns out that this man is mentally retarded.
" Boss: Mentally retarded.
- Wow.
- Disloyal and a simpleton.
It's not a strong-- it's not a winning combo.
Can someone just give me some kind of compliment? You look good in a scarf.
It detracts from the guyliner.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
( Fans cheering ) I've got to say, these are great seats.
I've never sat in a part of the stadium where fat guys actually wear shirts.
They wear shirts, they don't paint themselves, they don't spit on you.
- Nobody's hurling gay insults at us.
- It's amazing.
Don't thank me, though.
Thank the priest.
- He set this all up.
- The priest hooked us up with these? - These are free tickets from the priest.
- Really? - ( Phone vibrates ) - Oh wait, hold on.
This is him now.
What does that mean? Stu: "Come to locker room, bitches.
" Oh.
You're very good at text abbreviation deciphering.
I spend a lot of time texting high school girls.
Wow, we're really in the bowels of the stadium.
This is like the underground railroad except everybody's free.
All right, perverts.
That's far enough.
Pervert? No, we're invited in.
You're invited into the locker room? Yeah, right.
You guys are here to see a naked football player's ass.
- What? - Why would we want to do that? You're telling me you don't want to lay your eyes - on the most perfect asses on the planet? - Both: No.
Well-toned, fresh out of the shower and greased up with aloe? Okay, this is an inner monologue for you.
- Look at that ass over there.
- Oh wow.
Just look at it for another minute.
Sounds like you want to see that.
Yeah, it's more your thing.
I see it every week.
Don't need to see it again.
- Hey, Timbo.
- Can we come in? - Absolutely.
- Do you mind if I come in, priest? - Oh no, Joe.
- I could check the shower.
I know you really love to do that, but no.
Priest: Lord, we know there are many atrocities in the world-- children starving, poor people who have been stabbed in the neck with a broken beer bottle.
But we ask, lord, that you put that out of your mind right now and turn your attention to these wealthy millionaire athletes, the forgotten ones.
Lord, in your name.
Amen.
All right, boys, go get 'em.
Let's go.
Come on, hop to.
Pretty sweet, huh fellas? What are you doing exactly here? You're looking at the team chaplain for the New York freaking Jets.
- Suck on that.
- Suck on it? - Suck the big one.
- They pay you to pray for the team to win? No, I do it for the love of it.
'Cause, you know, football is God's favorite sport.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
- Pro or collegiate? - Both.
Anything where big money is involved.
So what did you want to talk about? Um, I need you to place a little wager for me.
- What do you think about that, boys? - What? - On what? - On football.
Jets.
Why don't you just do it yourself? Uh, hello.
Team chaplain.
- Insider information.
- 'Cause you know how they're praying? I know the prayers we're coming up with.
Trust me on this, it's not inside information.
No, trust me on this.
Who's the priest? - You.
- Me.
Thank you.
- Can I say something? - Sure, talk.
You end way too many conversations with "Who's the priest?" Do you know that was the original title for the Tony Danza show "Who's the boss?" - Who's the priest? - He was a priest and he cleaned Angela's house.
( Siren blares ) Are you-- I'm confused.
Is this a ticket store or are you the bookie? I was told you're a bookie.
There's no sign that says bookie.
- What are you coming in here - I'm here to gamble.
and taking 20 minutes to say a sentence? - Are you the bookie? - Yeah, I'm both, okay? Yeah, I took down the sign that said "Illegal bookie operation.
" - Is that sarcasm? - Yeah, it's sarcasm.
I just want to place this bet on the Jets to win on Sunday.
Hey, Danny, shut the fucking door.
You want me to leave it ajar or completely close the door? - No, don't close it.
What's going on? - Danny.
- What are we doing here with the door? - Shut it.
- Okay.
- What's happening? The priest put you up to this, didn't he? No, no priest.
The envelope has church letterhead on it.
Oh.
There might be a priest involved.
Listen, I honestly don't think his prayer stuff counts as inside information.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- He's just praying he wins.
That guy's been losing money to me faster that a Canadian in Las Vegas.
Canadian in Vegas? Is that a reference? Yeah, there's been a whole movie about it.
"Owning Mahoney.
" Not a popular film.
Understandable you would not get that.
Listen, your priest buddy owes me a shitload of cash and I want it.
All right, well, I'll tell him you inquired.
We're past the inquiring stage.
Tim: What stage are we at? We're at the stage where Danny cuts your cock off, cuts it in half and stuffs it in both your ears.
- You're gonna do that to me? - Not literally.
- But I will treat you very badly.
- Danny.
- Come on, I'm not gonna cut a guy's dick off.
- Danny, shut up.
Listen, we're just the messengers here.
Don't shoot the messenger.
- I'm telling you-- - That is an expression.
People say that.
- Right, Danny, it is? - Yeah.
Just tell the priest I want all my money.
If it takes more than a week I'm gonna track you down and beat you up in front of your girlfriend.
Me? Why me? Why not Stu? Because there's no way in hell he's got a girlfriend.
Look, I'm both hurt and relieved.
( Church bells ringing ) Now if everyone will turn to page three of their disposable prayer pamphlets, you'll notice I scribbled a little something in there with a red sharpie.
- Man: Excuse me.
- Uh-huh? - What happened to the bibles? - I'm sorry? - The bibles.
- Oh, the leather-- black leather? - Yes.
- Good question.
- Budget cuts mostly.
- What? There are no more bibles and no more Starbucks in the kitchen.
I'm sorry.
What happened to the Jesus? Did you sell the Jesus? Did I sell the Jesus to a Mexican pawnshop? What sort of ungodly question is that? Well, it sounds like you sold the Jesus to a Mexican pawnshop.
People, you need to relax.
Let's-- let's-- let's pass around the collection plate.
That's everyone's favorite part of church.
Mary, hit me with some collection music.
Something upbeat, Mary.
( Playing upbeat music ) ( Murmuring ) So what's the word, Tim? The guy would not let me place the bet for you.
- Oh, you are kidding me.
- Sounds like you're in some kind of trouble.
Sounds like it? I'm in a cockload of trouble, Tim.
- What's going on? - God's been testing me.
- Really? - Yes, like job.
I bet and I lose.
Then I keep betting and I keep losing just like job.
Bet it all on black.
Bet it all on black.
Keep losing.
Keep losing.
I don't think the job story happened at a casino.
Betting on black? - In job there was casinos.
- There was casinos in that story? Well, they would have rock pushing contests in the Bible days.
It's really irrelevant, Tim.
Listen, I just think you need to pay this guy off and knock off the gambling.
- Oh, that sounds like a great idea, Tim.
- So do it.
Except that I can't 'cause I only have $8640, man.
Only? How much do you owe the guy? - More than eight grand.
- Holy shit.
- And a bit less than $39,428.
- What? - So here's what I need you to do.
- No you don't.
- I need you to take this money - No no.
- this Sunday - Please.
and I need you to bet it all on the Jets, baby.
- You're not betting on-- - J-e-t-s.
Jets Jets Jets.
- Say it with me.
- I'm not gonna say that with you.
- Say it.
- Is this some kind of sin? There must be something wrong with doing this.
- Oh no no no.
- So it's okay? The lord says throw it down, man.
- J-e-t-s.
Jets Jets Jets.
- There he is.
I can't believe you had Jets tickets and didn't invite me.
- We thought you'd be busy.
- Yeah, you got that baby.
The baby? Come on, I feed that thing like twice a day, it crawls around the apartment.
It's like a cat.
Babies aren't like cats, Rodney.
Bro, this thing is basically a cat.
Shoving its ass in my face all day, scratching my neck up-- it's a fucking cat.
What kind of baby is that? All I know is we need to keep the priest on our good side if we want to keep these free tickets coming.
I'm a little more concerned with getting beaten up.
The guy said he was gonna remove my penis and place it in my ear.
The way you phrase that is so much less impactful.
- You guys want my advice? - Tim: Yeah.
No, fuck you both.
Not giving it.
Look, one thing is for sure: We cannot bet on the Jets.
- What do you mean? - The priest is on a losing streak.
We need to find a better bet.
You know, something with better odds.
How do you find that? Well, Tim, you do have another in with the sports world.
Oh no.
Timmy! Timmy-do.
Oh, I knew you'd come crawling back.
- I'm not crawling.
- You about to.
Now shut your mouth and watch my fucking face.
Oh, it's great to see you again.
It really is.
Timmy Timmy-do-do.
I missed these conversations.
- ( Shower running ) - Tim: Oh, oh wow.
Athletes are really comfortable getting naked, aren't they? Oh come on, Timmy.
We like family.
If I toss pee in your girl's face, you can see my junk.
That makes sense.
I've got an issue here I need help with.
This may sound unethical, but I need to place a bet.
Oh, I'll throw my next game.
- What? - You just give me a cut, Timmy.
That wasn't even a small dilemma for you, was it? Oh, trust me, little man, no one cares about these games.
- That's-- so you're fine doing it? - Absolutely.
It's like I always say, Tim, whoopee-doopee- doopee-damn-do.
- You always say that? - It's my catchphrase.
Thanks so much, Helen.
This is great.
You know what you're gonna do? Tell the man I'd like to bet $8640 against the Newark wild hogs.
Exactly.
And then what do you do? Then I get the fuck out of there.
You don't have to phrase it like that, but yeah, you leave quick.
Hello.
I'd like to bet $8640 against the Newark wild hogs, please.
- A woman's basketball team? - Mm-hmm.
Why would you bet that much money? That's a lot of money.
What do you know? - They are having a pretty good season.
- Danny.
- Yeah? - Shut up.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna match your bet.
I'm taking my own money and guess what? If the Newark wild hogs win and I lose the money I'm gonna rip that shirt off you and tie your tits together.
Holy moly.
Imagine that.
I'm just asking everybody to take a moment and imagine that.
- Don't ever say holy moly to me again.
- Sorry.
Oh, Timbo, we did it.
We did it, Tim.
The game hasn't started yet.
- No, but God has performed a miracle, Tim.
- Oh.
The opposing quarterback is being brought up on sexual harassment charges.
- He's out of today's game, Tim.
- It's not a miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- The sexual harassment miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- I have some bad news.
- -Oh.
- I didn't bet the money on the Jets.
What? I slapped it down on a women's basketball game.
I need to pray.
- Dear lord - Oh boy.
what has this fuck face done? Don't say fuck face in a prayer.
I know he's one of your little children.
A simpleton.
No, listen, I'm gonna cut off the prayer.
But seriously, lord, I want to crush his skull.
You're gonna be very happy with me.
I'm gonna be happy right now? This is a sure thing if anything in life is.
- Explain to me how it's a sure thing, Tim.
- I can't explain.
- Just trust me.
- I'm gonna puke.
( Siren blaring ) All right, let me put on channel 433.
Do it.
Do it.
Let's get to the game.
Whoa whoa whoa.
What the fuck? - Hey, sorry.
- What are you doing? What do you mean? It's women's basketball.
Yeah, exactly.
That's the fucking New York Jets.
Give it a chance.
Get to know the players.
You'll like it.
Crazy night tonight in Newark, a standing-room crowd of lesbians and sweatband fetishists to see the wild hogs cruise to an easy victory - Oh no.
- In spite of the fact the fifth best player on the team Tanya Miller opened the game with five consecutive dunks on her own basket before being benched and tested for drugs.
- Oh no no no.
- Oh, this is not good.
I've never seen anything like it.
It's unbelievable.
You've really got to buy tickets.
We need crowds for these games.
- Oh God.
- She was supposed to throw the game.
We're gonna lose the bet, huh, Timbo? It's not looking great.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm gonna go check into a motel.
- Yeah, we should all hide.
- Good seeing you though, Timbo.
- You know, as always.
- What's my name? - Bye, you.
- Stu.
- Okay.
Good for you, friend.
- The name is Stu.
- That was a great brunch.
- That was good.
- Western omelet.
- It's your favorite.
Not really, but I liked it there.
Oh my God, it's him! Amy, run! Shit, don't do it.
Don't kill me.
Don't stab-- don't cut my dick off.
I'll get the money.
I'll sell Amy's jewelry.
I'll steal from her family.
I know the passwords.
I found them once.
What are you doing up there? - Just waiting for you to finish.
- Oh.
- Are you gonna hurt me? - Oh, jeez, no no no.
- I guess you haven't heard the word then, huh? - What's the word? - Yeah, the bookie's dead.
- He's dead? Yeah, a disgruntled customer stabbed him in the neck - and he bled out on the floor.
- That's horrible.
It's not so bad.
He was pretty mean.
And all your debts have been forgiven.
I guess the big guy upstairs was looking out for you.
- Are you saying God took part in the stabbing? - Yeah, God.
I mean I'm not a theological expert by any means, but yeah, God made a stabbing happen.
Wow, thank you for the-- for the drop by.
Danny: Have a nice Sunday.
Does that require explanation or are you cool with what just happened? I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
Look who brought a bottle of wine.
Hey! Yay, you made it.
Hey.
Everything looks great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Give me a hug, little lady.
Oh, Tim.
Seriously? Seriously? What's wrong? You don't want a hug? My invite said semi-formal.
Is that semi-formal? Of course.
I'm wearing my jacket.
You're wearing it over jeans and a t-shirt.
- Look around at everyone else.
- That's the look.
The look of what? Corey Feldman? Didn't you see the eVite, bro? Semi-formal.
I saw it.
I bought this jacket for the event.
- When? In 2003? - Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- ( Laughing ) Nailed it.
I've seen you wear this outfit before, by the way.
- Holy shit.
- You wore this at my barbecue last year.
You played wiffle ball in this outfit.
- Buddy, I remember that.
- Julie.
You slid into home and did a poop in your shorts.
Does anyone have a pair of pants I can borrow? - Wow.
- Nobody has pants to lend me? Why would people bring two pairs of pants to a party? I try.
I try attend these things.
- I try to have fun.
- But you don't try, Tim.
I put the jacket on.
I do the whole thing.
Honestly, when I saw this pretty girl walk in, I thought the taxi guy that brought her here was walking her in.
Wearing an amazing blazer.
Oh, Julie, you can suck my cock.
- Hey, I'm Garvey.
- Hey, Tim.
I'm on your side.
A sharp jacket dresses up - Both: Any outfit.
- It's a bold choice to make.
Without the jacket you're just another homeless guy.
- But you know how to put it together - Thank you.
- and look nice with it.
- Thank you.
Hey, did I hear someone say that you worked at Omnicorp? Yeah, I do.
I'm a junior V.
P.
, actually.
How old are you? Like 21? - 25.
- Are you like one of those geniuses or something? - Similar.
- Are you like a Mensa genius? - Similar.
- Wow, I didn't know this was gonna be this kind of party.
Look, this might be presumptuous but, would you be interested in doing a photo shoot for "GQ"? - You joking? - I am putting together a piece on the face of young corporate America.
Regular guys looking sharp, redefining business wear.
Just exactly like you are right standing in front of me right now.
It's amazing.
The best night of my life.
Let me get your details and I'm out of here.
That's fantastic.
Here's a card.
Wow.
People still have cards.
- Julie: So cute too.
- Hey, there you are.
Guess what? Yours truly here was just asked to pose for "GQ.
" Why-- what? - What do you mean? - Surprising turn of events, no? Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
You will see it and you will believe it.
If you say so.
Hate to say suck on that, but why don't you suck on that? I just can't understand why they'd be more interested in you than someone like me-- handsome, accomplished.
They're calliing for me this time.
But you're not "good to look at.
" A lot of people-- a lot of people think I'm great looking.
Like who? List a couple.
I don't have names off the top of my head.
Just throw out a name.
- Janet.
- Who's Janet? - Sue.
- That name just kind of-- people think I'm good looking.
That's the bottom line.
Listen, it's not to knock you.
It's just that the gist of the article is the face of young corporate America.
They want guys who are skyrocketing to the top.
So you're trying to suggest that I'm not young.
I mean I'm younger than you, wouldn't you think? - Can I just have permission? - Yes, go.
Do it.
But listen, if they change their minds I'll be lurking awkwardly near the shoot at all times.
I would expect nothing less.
- This is happening.
- You're gonna be in good hands.
This is Maxie right here.
He's gonna photograph you.
And I'll be around if you need me.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah, break a leg.
- So you're Max? - Hey, shut it! It's Maxie.
You heard him say Maxie, right? - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Okay, so don't call me Max.
Max is a name for, like, butchers.
- Oh.
- Or like a dog you see on the street that somebody's yelling at for taking a shit all over the place.
Wow.
Maxie it is.
So which one of these outfits is speaking to you, Tim? I was gonna say something.
None of these are really my style.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh my God, did I mess up? - Are you gonna insult me? I can see it coming.
- No.
It's just I didn't realize when you came in here in, like, dollar a pound clothes that that was something you thought was style.
I'm just saying I can't pull off some of these looks.
Tim, I'm about to do you the biggest favor in your whole life.
- Oh really? What are you doing? - Yup.
- Trust me.
- Hey, no no.
Please.
Say goodbye to the old you, Tim.
Boom! ( Toilet gurgles ) It would have been better if the clothes had gone down the toilet.
- You get the point.
- Do I? Here we go, Tim.
This is the new secret weapon of your fashion arsenal-- a chunky scarf.
Chunky scarf? I can't wear a chunky scarf.
- Chunky scarf.
- They're gonna make fun of me.
Shut your stupid face hole and put this chunky scarf on.
All right, guys.
You look a little bit more confused than normal.
Let me explain.
"GQ" is here.
There's a photo shoot.
- Everybody cooperate.
- What are they photographing? There's really no better way to say this-- - Tim.
- Tim? - Tim.
- That's bullshit.
- I know.
- He's the worst dressed person here.
Stan, I have it duly noted.
Seriously.
I mean I'm friends with the guy, but "GQ"? Come on.
Hey.
- Wow.
- Whoa.
Wow good or wow bad? Tim, you look great.
Nice.
You're not gonna make fun of the scarf? No, I was actually going to the pants.
Your butt looks really good in those.
- Looks nice? - Super flattering.
- Nice curve to it? - Yeah, I like the way it cups.
- I'd cook muffins for you.
- Is that a euphemism? I would do reverse Asian cowgirl with you right now.
Took it a little far, but this is exciting.
All right, let's shoot this.
How's this? How's this? - Tim, okay.
Look - You getting what you need? - No, Tim, I'm not.
- You like this? Because every time I take a picture of you it looks like you just had a fart and you think something wet came out.
Okay? That's the face you're making.
You don't like the hands- in-the-pockets pose? I don't like the hands in the pockets, I don't like the clenched butt, I don't like how much you're sweating.
I'm gonna be honest with you, Tim.
- Where is your confidence? - What do you mean? Right now you look like you're watching your girlfriend fuck the drummer from Bon Jovi.
- Tico Torres? - Yes.
Why him in particular? Excuse me.
I'm really sorry to interject here, but I'm a confident, handsome, very young man.
- You, sir, are perfect.
- Tim: Excuse me? Take off that jacket and you sit in the chair.
All right, why not? I mean I like modeling.
- What's going on here? - This is the scenario, okay, Tim? Sir, you are the incompetent employee.
Tim, I want you to scream at him, okay? - Right into his stupid face.
- Okay.
I don't think anybody necessarily would believe that this face is stupid.
Everything that comes out of it sounds stupid.
- What am I-- - Wow, met his match.
Okay, so here we go.
Just roll with it, Tim.
Just let whatever comes out come out.
- Hey, you incompetent buffoon.
- Yeah, this is good.
This is good.
I ought to bend you over and ream you from behind.
- Okay, that's-- - No? Too much? That's taking it in a direction that's a little weird.
- Seems a bit excessive and derogatory.
- Okay.
Maxie: Tim, I just want to say you're doing great.
Thank you very much.
I feel confident.
You look confident.
- The scarf looks good? - The scarf is amazing.
You know who wears a scarf like that? - Who? - Tico Torres.
Garvey: Wow, Tim.
He says you did a great job.
You got past looking awkward and ugly and came out of your shell eventually.
That's-- I'm glad you came around, man.
I honestly feel like a new man altogether.
I can't wait for my girlfriend to see me like this.
Well, you can't keep the clothes.
Oh no, I've got to keep the clothes.
- Those are expensive clothes.
- Come on, Garv.
- Just come on, pal.
- No.
Shortening my name doesn't make it happen.
Listen, can we just go over there and maybe take one more shot? - At her office? - Yeah.
It's like an executive hailing a cab, ducking into another office.
Maxie, I believe I have you the whole day.
No problem.
Then let's make this happen.
Tim, take your victory lap, champ.
- All right.
Here we go, Max.
- Do not call me Max.
- I totally forgot.
- I have asked you.
All right, let's get a shot over here for "GQ.
" And let's get a few in the lobby for the "GQ" shoot with me.
- Tim? - Oh hey, Amy.
- Oh, is this your office? - What are you doing here? We're shooting in different buildings around town.
- Tim? - Oh, Julie.
You're here? Yeah, I work with Amy.
I forgot.
I'm just so caught up in the fashion world.
- What are you doing? - Just shooting for "GQ.
" That's happening? I thought you were kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding with this chunky scarf around my neck? Tim, for once in your life you don't look like a complete imbecile.
Nicer ways to phrase a compliment, but thank you.
- What a great day.
- Was it? - Yes.
- I'm gonna need those clothes back now.
I've got to go home and change, I guess.
- You flushed my clothes.
- Was that you? - That was me.
- Feels like forever ago, right? - I can just bring them back tomorrow.
- Okay, fine.
Here's the card.
Give them to Garvey yourself, all right? - Oh cool, just go to "GQ"? - Yeah.
Nice.
That'd be fun to see the place.
All right, don't get weird.
- ( Dogs barking ) - ( Speaking Russian ) "GQ" is in a studio apartment above a deli? ( Buzzes ) Garvey? Where am I? Oh, Tim.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I thought I was going to "GQ.
" Here you are.
Here I am? This isn't "GQ.
" I'm G.
Q.
Garvey Quantelbaum.
This isn't happening.
You told me I was doing a shoot for "GQ" magazine.
"GQ" what? - "GQ" magazine.
- "GQ" magazine.
You thought I was talking about the magazine? - Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
This is not good.
Why would you think I am a magazine? Why would you do this to me? Why would you ruin my life? - I didn't do anything.
- Holy fuck.
You assume weird things.
Wait, what is that? What is that? - Tim, I'm gonna be straight with you.
- Okay.
- I'm writing an expose of Omnicorp.
- Okay.
But those files I stole are useless.
If you'll give me an interview about Omnicorp's corporate malfeasance, I'll try to get you into the hallowed pages of "GQ" magazine.
See how I said that? I appreciate the clarity, but could you even do that? I have a lot of friends over there.
- I used to work there.
- Oh, really? Yes, I worked there for a quarter.
For a quarter of a year? Yeah.
They break it up into quarters over there.
So he says my picture could still possibly get in "GQ" if I cooperate with him.
- What do you think? - Go for it.
- Really? - You don't owe Omnicorp anything.
If I talk they'll find out.
They'll kill me.
They'll never find out.
You're an anonymous source.
- You think? - Yeah, rule number one of journalism: You can't reveal your anonymous sources.
- I like that.
- Do it.
And plus, I've got to say, from where I'm standing, it's the socially responsible thing to do.
Don't pretend, okay, that you're trying to do something good.
I'm part of the solution.
I'm not part of the problem.
- Tim.
- And I look good doing it.
- Tim, is that you? - Hey, shh.
Tim, what are you doing? Why are we in a parking garage in Brooklyn? I could have come to your apartment.
What is this, amateur hour? Yeah it is.
Why aren't we in an apartment? Lower your voice.
Lean against something and let's do this.
Oh boy.
You want to dive into this? Let's do it.
You're a very loud talker.
Omnicorp is closing the San Francisco office.
Are they outsourcing jobs? San Francisco? I didn't know we had an office there.
Where did you think the office was on the west coast? Phoenix.
I didn't know we had one.
I'm sorry.
- I'm making things up.
- Phoenix isn't on the coast.
Let's go to the next question.
Omnicorp stock-- Why does it keep rising even after failing to meet quarterly earning forecasts? Why are the stocks rising? - I-- - Say it.
It's the-- didn't know you could buy stock in omnicorp to be honest.
Is this your way of getting out of the answer? I thought we were owned by Pizza Hut.
You did not think that.
You think Pizza Hut-- omnicorp sounds like something smaller than Pizza Hut? I could have sworn I read it on something.
I saw it on some paper.
I think you ordered Pizza Hut one day and it was sitting on top of one of your papers.
- That might have been it.
- Hey, you know what, Tim? I think I've got everything that I need.
- Everything? Really? - Yeah.
I think I've got the full picture here.
So I'm gonna leave now.
I'm gonna leave you to your Humphrey bogart scenario you got going with yourself here.
You want a sleek, slimming look.
- No more pleats, okay? - No pleats.
- No pleats.
- Porque no pleats? - Just don't wear the pleats.
- A sleek and slimming look.
Yo, Timbo, you'd better come downstairs.
- Yeah? What's up? - Dude, your magazine is out.
He got me in "GQ"? That's amazing.
Uh no, bro.
Not "GQ.
" It's some kind of corporate magazine with an article about you.
I was supposed to be anonymous.
Yeah, Stan brought a whole stack and he's passing them out.
Unbelievable.
I got to get down there.
Dude, are you wearing mascara? Mascara, no.
What is that shit under your eyes then? Some people call it guyliner in certain circles.
It's just-- Don't even ask.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
- ( Elevator dings ) - All right, hold on.
Everyone put the magazines down.
Stan, what are you doing? Looky here.
It's the douchebag of the hour.
- Welcome, Tim.
- That's not who it is.
- You're just in time.
- I just want to apologize, first of all, - to upper management.
- Hmm, that's me.
I talked to the press.
I hope there was nothing too sensitive.
I did not mean for the company to look bad.
Truth is, the company looks pretty good.
- Take it away, Stan.
- Tim: What? "The American corporate structure is fraught with corruption.
But during a recent investigation I discovered a more insidious problem-- - Idiocy.
" - Is that the same as idiot? "Meet Tim, a young V.
P.
whose lack of loyalty drove him to rat out his own company, but whose ignorance rendered him unable to accomplish even that.
I would, however, like to apologize in advance if it turns out that this man is mentally retarded.
" Boss: Mentally retarded.
- Wow.
- Disloyal and a simpleton.
It's not a strong-- it's not a winning combo.
Can someone just give me some kind of compliment? You look good in a scarf.
It detracts from the guyliner.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
( Fans cheering ) I've got to say, these are great seats.
I've never sat in a part of the stadium where fat guys actually wear shirts.
They wear shirts, they don't paint themselves, they don't spit on you.
- Nobody's hurling gay insults at us.
- It's amazing.
Don't thank me, though.
Thank the priest.
- He set this all up.
- The priest hooked us up with these? - These are free tickets from the priest.
- Really? - ( Phone vibrates ) - Oh wait, hold on.
This is him now.
What does that mean? Stu: "Come to locker room, bitches.
" Oh.
You're very good at text abbreviation deciphering.
I spend a lot of time texting high school girls.
Wow, we're really in the bowels of the stadium.
This is like the underground railroad except everybody's free.
All right, perverts.
That's far enough.
Pervert? No, we're invited in.
You're invited into the locker room? Yeah, right.
You guys are here to see a naked football player's ass.
- What? - Why would we want to do that? You're telling me you don't want to lay your eyes - on the most perfect asses on the planet? - Both: No.
Well-toned, fresh out of the shower and greased up with aloe? Okay, this is an inner monologue for you.
- Look at that ass over there.
- Oh wow.
Just look at it for another minute.
Sounds like you want to see that.
Yeah, it's more your thing.
I see it every week.
Don't need to see it again.
- Hey, Timbo.
- Can we come in? - Absolutely.
- Do you mind if I come in, priest? - Oh no, Joe.
- I could check the shower.
I know you really love to do that, but no.
Priest: Lord, we know there are many atrocities in the world-- children starving, poor people who have been stabbed in the neck with a broken beer bottle.
But we ask, lord, that you put that out of your mind right now and turn your attention to these wealthy millionaire athletes, the forgotten ones.
Lord, in your name.
Amen.
All right, boys, go get 'em.
Let's go.
Come on, hop to.
Pretty sweet, huh fellas? What are you doing exactly here? You're looking at the team chaplain for the New York freaking Jets.
- Suck on that.
- Suck on it? - Suck the big one.
- They pay you to pray for the team to win? No, I do it for the love of it.
'Cause, you know, football is God's favorite sport.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
- Pro or collegiate? - Both.
Anything where big money is involved.
So what did you want to talk about? Um, I need you to place a little wager for me.
- What do you think about that, boys? - What? - On what? - On football.
Jets.
Why don't you just do it yourself? Uh, hello.
Team chaplain.
- Insider information.
- 'Cause you know how they're praying? I know the prayers we're coming up with.
Trust me on this, it's not inside information.
No, trust me on this.
Who's the priest? - You.
- Me.
Thank you.
- Can I say something? - Sure, talk.
You end way too many conversations with "Who's the priest?" Do you know that was the original title for the Tony Danza show "Who's the boss?" - Who's the priest? - He was a priest and he cleaned Angela's house.
( Siren blares ) Are you-- I'm confused.
Is this a ticket store or are you the bookie? I was told you're a bookie.
There's no sign that says bookie.
- What are you coming in here - I'm here to gamble.
and taking 20 minutes to say a sentence? - Are you the bookie? - Yeah, I'm both, okay? Yeah, I took down the sign that said "Illegal bookie operation.
" - Is that sarcasm? - Yeah, it's sarcasm.
I just want to place this bet on the Jets to win on Sunday.
Hey, Danny, shut the fucking door.
You want me to leave it ajar or completely close the door? - No, don't close it.
What's going on? - Danny.
- What are we doing here with the door? - Shut it.
- Okay.
- What's happening? The priest put you up to this, didn't he? No, no priest.
The envelope has church letterhead on it.
Oh.
There might be a priest involved.
Listen, I honestly don't think his prayer stuff counts as inside information.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- He's just praying he wins.
That guy's been losing money to me faster that a Canadian in Las Vegas.
Canadian in Vegas? Is that a reference? Yeah, there's been a whole movie about it.
"Owning Mahoney.
" Not a popular film.
Understandable you would not get that.
Listen, your priest buddy owes me a shitload of cash and I want it.
All right, well, I'll tell him you inquired.
We're past the inquiring stage.
Tim: What stage are we at? We're at the stage where Danny cuts your cock off, cuts it in half and stuffs it in both your ears.
- You're gonna do that to me? - Not literally.
- But I will treat you very badly.
- Danny.
- Come on, I'm not gonna cut a guy's dick off.
- Danny, shut up.
Listen, we're just the messengers here.
Don't shoot the messenger.
- I'm telling you-- - That is an expression.
People say that.
- Right, Danny, it is? - Yeah.
Just tell the priest I want all my money.
If it takes more than a week I'm gonna track you down and beat you up in front of your girlfriend.
Me? Why me? Why not Stu? Because there's no way in hell he's got a girlfriend.
Look, I'm both hurt and relieved.
( Church bells ringing ) Now if everyone will turn to page three of their disposable prayer pamphlets, you'll notice I scribbled a little something in there with a red sharpie.
- Man: Excuse me.
- Uh-huh? - What happened to the bibles? - I'm sorry? - The bibles.
- Oh, the leather-- black leather? - Yes.
- Good question.
- Budget cuts mostly.
- What? There are no more bibles and no more Starbucks in the kitchen.
I'm sorry.
What happened to the Jesus? Did you sell the Jesus? Did I sell the Jesus to a Mexican pawnshop? What sort of ungodly question is that? Well, it sounds like you sold the Jesus to a Mexican pawnshop.
People, you need to relax.
Let's-- let's-- let's pass around the collection plate.
That's everyone's favorite part of church.
Mary, hit me with some collection music.
Something upbeat, Mary.
( Playing upbeat music ) ( Murmuring ) So what's the word, Tim? The guy would not let me place the bet for you.
- Oh, you are kidding me.
- Sounds like you're in some kind of trouble.
Sounds like it? I'm in a cockload of trouble, Tim.
- What's going on? - God's been testing me.
- Really? - Yes, like job.
I bet and I lose.
Then I keep betting and I keep losing just like job.
Bet it all on black.
Bet it all on black.
Keep losing.
Keep losing.
I don't think the job story happened at a casino.
Betting on black? - In job there was casinos.
- There was casinos in that story? Well, they would have rock pushing contests in the Bible days.
It's really irrelevant, Tim.
Listen, I just think you need to pay this guy off and knock off the gambling.
- Oh, that sounds like a great idea, Tim.
- So do it.
Except that I can't 'cause I only have $8640, man.
Only? How much do you owe the guy? - More than eight grand.
- Holy shit.
- And a bit less than $39,428.
- What? - So here's what I need you to do.
- No you don't.
- I need you to take this money - No no.
- this Sunday - Please.
and I need you to bet it all on the Jets, baby.
- You're not betting on-- - J-e-t-s.
Jets Jets Jets.
- Say it with me.
- I'm not gonna say that with you.
- Say it.
- Is this some kind of sin? There must be something wrong with doing this.
- Oh no no no.
- So it's okay? The lord says throw it down, man.
- J-e-t-s.
Jets Jets Jets.
- There he is.
I can't believe you had Jets tickets and didn't invite me.
- We thought you'd be busy.
- Yeah, you got that baby.
The baby? Come on, I feed that thing like twice a day, it crawls around the apartment.
It's like a cat.
Babies aren't like cats, Rodney.
Bro, this thing is basically a cat.
Shoving its ass in my face all day, scratching my neck up-- it's a fucking cat.
What kind of baby is that? All I know is we need to keep the priest on our good side if we want to keep these free tickets coming.
I'm a little more concerned with getting beaten up.
The guy said he was gonna remove my penis and place it in my ear.
The way you phrase that is so much less impactful.
- You guys want my advice? - Tim: Yeah.
No, fuck you both.
Not giving it.
Look, one thing is for sure: We cannot bet on the Jets.
- What do you mean? - The priest is on a losing streak.
We need to find a better bet.
You know, something with better odds.
How do you find that? Well, Tim, you do have another in with the sports world.
Oh no.
Timmy! Timmy-do.
Oh, I knew you'd come crawling back.
- I'm not crawling.
- You about to.
Now shut your mouth and watch my fucking face.
Oh, it's great to see you again.
It really is.
Timmy Timmy-do-do.
I missed these conversations.
- ( Shower running ) - Tim: Oh, oh wow.
Athletes are really comfortable getting naked, aren't they? Oh come on, Timmy.
We like family.
If I toss pee in your girl's face, you can see my junk.
That makes sense.
I've got an issue here I need help with.
This may sound unethical, but I need to place a bet.
Oh, I'll throw my next game.
- What? - You just give me a cut, Timmy.
That wasn't even a small dilemma for you, was it? Oh, trust me, little man, no one cares about these games.
- That's-- so you're fine doing it? - Absolutely.
It's like I always say, Tim, whoopee-doopee- doopee-damn-do.
- You always say that? - It's my catchphrase.
Thanks so much, Helen.
This is great.
You know what you're gonna do? Tell the man I'd like to bet $8640 against the Newark wild hogs.
Exactly.
And then what do you do? Then I get the fuck out of there.
You don't have to phrase it like that, but yeah, you leave quick.
Hello.
I'd like to bet $8640 against the Newark wild hogs, please.
- A woman's basketball team? - Mm-hmm.
Why would you bet that much money? That's a lot of money.
What do you know? - They are having a pretty good season.
- Danny.
- Yeah? - Shut up.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna match your bet.
I'm taking my own money and guess what? If the Newark wild hogs win and I lose the money I'm gonna rip that shirt off you and tie your tits together.
Holy moly.
Imagine that.
I'm just asking everybody to take a moment and imagine that.
- Don't ever say holy moly to me again.
- Sorry.
Oh, Timbo, we did it.
We did it, Tim.
The game hasn't started yet.
- No, but God has performed a miracle, Tim.
- Oh.
The opposing quarterback is being brought up on sexual harassment charges.
- He's out of today's game, Tim.
- It's not a miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- The sexual harassment miracle.
- It's a miracle.
- I have some bad news.
- -Oh.
- I didn't bet the money on the Jets.
What? I slapped it down on a women's basketball game.
I need to pray.
- Dear lord - Oh boy.
what has this fuck face done? Don't say fuck face in a prayer.
I know he's one of your little children.
A simpleton.
No, listen, I'm gonna cut off the prayer.
But seriously, lord, I want to crush his skull.
You're gonna be very happy with me.
I'm gonna be happy right now? This is a sure thing if anything in life is.
- Explain to me how it's a sure thing, Tim.
- I can't explain.
- Just trust me.
- I'm gonna puke.
( Siren blaring ) All right, let me put on channel 433.
Do it.
Do it.
Let's get to the game.
Whoa whoa whoa.
What the fuck? - Hey, sorry.
- What are you doing? What do you mean? It's women's basketball.
Yeah, exactly.
That's the fucking New York Jets.
Give it a chance.
Get to know the players.
You'll like it.
Crazy night tonight in Newark, a standing-room crowd of lesbians and sweatband fetishists to see the wild hogs cruise to an easy victory - Oh no.
- In spite of the fact the fifth best player on the team Tanya Miller opened the game with five consecutive dunks on her own basket before being benched and tested for drugs.
- Oh no no no.
- Oh, this is not good.
I've never seen anything like it.
It's unbelievable.
You've really got to buy tickets.
We need crowds for these games.
- Oh God.
- She was supposed to throw the game.
We're gonna lose the bet, huh, Timbo? It's not looking great.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm gonna go check into a motel.
- Yeah, we should all hide.
- Good seeing you though, Timbo.
- You know, as always.
- What's my name? - Bye, you.
- Stu.
- Okay.
Good for you, friend.
- The name is Stu.
- That was a great brunch.
- That was good.
- Western omelet.
- It's your favorite.
Not really, but I liked it there.
Oh my God, it's him! Amy, run! Shit, don't do it.
Don't kill me.
Don't stab-- don't cut my dick off.
I'll get the money.
I'll sell Amy's jewelry.
I'll steal from her family.
I know the passwords.
I found them once.
What are you doing up there? - Just waiting for you to finish.
- Oh.
- Are you gonna hurt me? - Oh, jeez, no no no.
- I guess you haven't heard the word then, huh? - What's the word? - Yeah, the bookie's dead.
- He's dead? Yeah, a disgruntled customer stabbed him in the neck - and he bled out on the floor.
- That's horrible.
It's not so bad.
He was pretty mean.
And all your debts have been forgiven.
I guess the big guy upstairs was looking out for you.
- Are you saying God took part in the stabbing? - Yeah, God.
I mean I'm not a theological expert by any means, but yeah, God made a stabbing happen.
Wow, thank you for the-- for the drop by.
Danny: Have a nice Sunday.
Does that require explanation or are you cool with what just happened? I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.