The Loop (2006) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Okay, Darcy.
Just zapped you the report.
I know it's late, but I'm going to need a full distribution on this one, okay? Done.
- That's it? - They taught me how to send an e-mail at M.
I.
T.
- Where I went.
- Great.
Phil! Hey.
I just did the analysis for the Tokyo-O'Hare flight.
First class and coach empty.
So let's make it all business.
No first, no coach, all business.
And that's our slogan: "We're all business to Tokyo.
" It's in the report.
Read your e-mail.
Hey, Steve.
We're all business to Tokyo.
You're getting a report.
Check your e-mail.
Hey, Tokyo is about to become all business.
"We're all business to Tokyo.
" Read your e-mail.
- [Cell Phone Rings.]
- Hello? [Man.]
Sambo, where are you, man? We are leaving.
- Yeah, I'll be home in five minutes.
- Oh.
! Are you changed? - Totally.
- [Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
- [Continues.]
- Twelve hours before I gotta be back at work.
- Let's rock it! - That's a tough look on the kicks there, Brother.
Crap jack! [Ends.]
All right.
Let's go.
Time's a wastin'.
Lizzy, you bartending tonight? Oh, right.
Let me get changed.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Okay, I'll drive.
- Shotgun! - Shotgun! - [Woman.]
My God.
! - Shotgun! - [Woman.]
Sully.
! - Check it out, girlie pants! - Where'd you get that? - Employee discount.
I thought you worked at Pier 1? How much wicker does one man need? I'm a Toys "R" Us kid now.
I'm gonna live forever.
Yea-ha! - [Groans.]
- [Reggae.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Oh.
I'm good.
[Groans.]
- [Rock On Jukebox.]
- All right, Piper.
Let's talk about your birthday party.
What are we doing? Tell me if this is too crazy, but the King Tut exhibit's in town and I thought it would be really fun if we all got super dressed up and went to the museum on my member card.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, sweet, fragrant Lord.
- Who raised you? Frasier? - Well, I don't know what to do.
Marco always used to take me out for my birthday.
Just because your boyfriend doesn't live here anymore doesn't mean your life has to stop, sweetie.
- We We should have a party, you know? Get a little nuts.
- Yes.
Yes.
Thanks, Sammy.
You're such a good friend.
What every guy loves to hear.
- Who is that? - Oh, great.
It's Derek Tricolli.
[Man Sings.]
- I haven't seen that guy since graduation.
- I hate that guy.
Hey.
What's up, Piper? Uh Mmm Ho, hey.
Right on the lips.
How about that? So, heard you're doing an extra year of college.
What's up with that noise? Just need to take some more science credit so I can get into med school.
Well, we should go out sometime.
You can study my anatomy.
Pro bono.
- [Mouthing Words.]
- Uh, I have a boyfriend, but but thanks.
Sam, heard you're working for an airline.
What are you, a stewardess? Just kiddin'.
- A flight attendant? - I'm an executive.
Actually, he's the youngest one ever.
Hired off his college thesis.
And he's my brother.
I cover the airline industry at Goldman Sachs.
Not a sexy industry.
- It does not open my lumber store.
- [Groans.]
Are you serious? I mean, commercial aviation is the backbone of our economy.
What better illustrates the American dream than air travel? Doesn't Hooters have an airline? Knockers at 30K! Who's with me? I also get a voucher that lets me fly first class anywhere in the world.
I got that voucher too.
It's called the platinum Amex.
Up top! Down low.
Too slow.
I'm outta here.
No, no, no, no.
No.
- [Soft Rock.]
- Oh, my God.
Check it out.
- [Continues.]
- He just met her.
That's crazy.
Well, when you try to make out with 100 girls a day - you're bound to make contact.
[Chuckles.]
- We gotta find you a girl, Sam.
I could round up 100 of my friends - and you could try to make out with all of'em.
- No, no.
I only need one, you know? [Continues.]
- I am so excited about my party.
- God, I am too.
[Giggles.]
Can I get some more shots over here, please? Shots! Ooh.
Sam, don't you have to work tomorrow? Piper, come on.
There's something you need to understand about me.
When I'm at work, I rock it.
And when I'm at play, I rock it.
I am the mixmaster of my two worlds.
You know, work, play, work, play.
- It's my turntables right here.
- [Chuckles.]
Know what I'm sayin'? Work and play, ones and twos.
Play and rock, ones and twos.
Rock it, r-rock it.
Work-Work.
Rock, work.
Rock-Rock.
- Rock, rock.
R-R-R-R - I thought that one was work.
It The point is, I can do both.
- Mmm.
Darcy Hey.
- [Phone Rings.]
- Can I get two-sided copies of these, please? - I'll try.
Hey, business class.
Nice job on the report.
As usual.
- Thank you.
- Whoa What happened to your head? Jack balls.
Sully! Damn, you smell sexable.
- What is that,J.
Lo for men? - Hello, there, Jerry.
Arthur.
- Oh, God.
- [Door Closes.]
- Thesis.
! Are you ready for the meeting? - Yes, Mr.
MacDonald.
Yes, I am.
Better be.
I didn't hire you to hang out in the bathroom and watch me walk my horse.
- Then I'm your man.
- Apparently.
The meeting is at the airfield.
Get your car.
I'll ride with you.
- Wheels up in two minutes.
- [Exhales.]
Two minutes.
Yes, sir.
- I'm gonna kill you, Sully! - [Laughing.]
You know the rules, man.
You pass out on the living room floor, you get the clippity-clip.
This job is important to me, Sully.
It's not Toys "R" Us.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm in Long John Silver's now.
- Sully! Relax.
I left a hat in the back of the car.
Just rock it! - Crisis averted.
- Wha What the crap is that? Um My little nephew's having an operation today.
He loves the sea.
[Chuckles.]
I told him I'd wear it so he'd know I was thinking about him.
- Take it off.
- But But I can't.
L-I promised him.
- He's only six.
He might not make it.
- Oh, Russ.
Let him wear it.
- Where's your compassion? - I have a gay son.
He took it all.
Throttle up! [Engine Starts, Revs.]
- [Cell Phone Ringing.]
- Is that a personal call? - Uh, no.
- Put it on the box.
[Sighs.]
Wha [Sully.]
Bro, I forgot to tell you, I ate a lightbulb.
Yeah.
I finally did it, man.
Sixty watts in my belly.
Aw, sucky! Uh Y-Yeah, bad connection.
In a tunnel.
I'll call you later, okay? B-Bye.
I can't believe you're the future of this airline.
When I was 23, I was knee-deep in kraut-land.
Poking Jerries with a long knife.
The airlines are dying.
We are in a crap-covered death spiral.
Now, if you want sugarcoating, go down to Auntie Anne's and get a honey cinnamon pretzel with cheese.
Now we're up against it.
But there is a way to win.
And it's called imagination.
No, I know.
I know.
I said a fruity word.
So, have I gone insane? Is this airline being run by a madman? Maybe.
But it's gonna take madness to save this drowning mongoose.
All right, imagination.
Everybody say it with me.
- [Together.]
Imag - No, don't say it.
Because you don't have it.
We're gonna cut costs or everybody's gonna be suckin' off the government teat.
And that is one crusty heifer.
I want ideas! From every one of you ass clowns in two days.
And if you can't imagine that, imagine yourself fired.
So, get fruity, folks.
Oh, by the way, you don't have a pension plan anymore.
Enjoy the cold cereal.
[Cell Phone Ringing.]
Hello? Piper, hi.
So sorry to bother you at work.
I've just been thinking a lot about my party and Marco not being there - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh-Uh - Personal call? - Um, yes.
- Put it on the box.
This is weird.
You know, because we've been friends for such a long time and I don't even know how to say this.
I can't do this over the phone.
- Do you wanna have dinner tonight? - Yeah, th-that would be great.
- Your boyfriend can't talk right now.
- No, no.
- I'm not her boyfriend.
I never said I was her boyfriend.
- [Beeps.]
I haven't seen a bigger puss since I took my son to see that Garfield movie.
Get your head out of your boy hole, buccaneer.
We've got a meeting in three bills.
- B-But why are we going on the runway? - Danger.
- Put some hair on those main glands.
Both of them.
- [Airplane Passes Overhead.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I've made a lasagna.
- Oh, I love lasagna.
I love all layered Italian dishes.
Oh, my God, Sam! Look at your hair.
- [Under Breath.]
Oh, yeah.
- I told Sully not to do that.
- L-I can fix it.
Grab a seat.
- Oh.
Hey, so where is everyone? - Out.
- Oh, great.
Nobody here but us chickens.
[Chuckles.]
- What? - Nothing.
Withdrawn.
Oh, Sam.
Your shoulders are so tense.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's muscle.
I've been doing wall sits in my office.
You should feel my butt.
[Chuckles.]
So, you know Marco and I have been together a really long time and I just don't know if I'm built for long distance.
Hey, I've been with M.
C.
I.
For twelve years.
That slut doesn't make it easy.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know how to say this.
It's just that we've been friends for such a long time and I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize Jeopardize, jeopardize, jeopardize.
Do you think you could get me one of those vouchers from work so Marco could fly out for my birthday? - Sure.
- Oh, my God! Thank you so much, Sam.
You are such a good friend.
I'm gonna call Marco and tell him.
Free voucher! Yeah! [Hair Clipper Buzzing.]
[Dog Growls.]
Thesis.
What are you doing here so late? Cuttin'costs? - Feeling fruity? - Damn.
I gotta get on that.
I really wanna come up with something that'll blow Russ away.
Oh, trust me.
I've blown Russ away a time or two.
It's not all candy canes and rainbows.
Why do these vouchers have to physically cycle through the system? Why aren't they just computerized? Why aren't your pants around my head? Both answers: People fear change.
Nice hat, by the way.
Try and make a wish.
Hey.
Can you Can you sign off on this? Who's, uh, Marco Piniero? Some knob rocket my roommate Piper's dating.
Ooh.
Do I smell a crush? Can you just sign off on this? I need to overnight it to stupid L.
A.
- Admit you like her first.
- What? No.
Lovemaker, you need a V.
P.
To sign off on this.
I'm the only V.
P.
Who still cares enough to work late.
Say it.
O-Okay, fine, fine.
All right.
I like her.
I've liked her forever.
All through college.
I've always wanted to go out with her.
There.
Please, sign it.
Oh.
Put some ice on it, sex ranger.
I had no idea what I was tapping into.
Okay.
You got two ways in.
And, go! [Man Singing.]
- [Continues.]
- She's got a mouth - [Metal Snapping.]
- [Sully Shouts.]
Oh, Brother.
Perchance, did you leave many a mousetrap in the closet hall where I tend to do my napping? - It's for my hair.
- Oh, well played, Montezuma.
- Well.
- Well, good news.
I got a lock on Piper's party.
Remember the lady waitress I was making time with at the bar last night? Turns out, her dad's the head groundskeeper at Comiskey Park.
Got us the whole place to ourselves tomorrow night.
And check this We get to rock karaoke from theJumbo Tron.
- Oh, Piper's gonna go nuts.
She loves karaoke.
- Mmm.
[Piper Singing, Out Of Tune.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
But she sucks, which makes it fun for us.
Mama didn't raise no fool.
- [Snaps.]
- God! That hurts my ass! Happy Birthday, Piper.
I made you an omelet cake.
- Marco and I broke up.
- Oh, no.
Honey, what happened? I just told him that the whole long-distance thing was really hard on me and he said, "Yeah, maybe it's not working out.
" And that's what he always does.
Soon as I tell him how I feel, he just escalates it.
And I haven't been in a lot of relationships, you know.
But that's not right, is it? No, sweetie, it's not.
He should be able to talk about this stuff.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, he can't.
But maybe - [Door Opens.]
Maybe this is what's supposed to happen.
- Hey, happy birthday.
- Marco and her broke up.
Oh, my God.
That's horrible.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Hey, you know what? Screw that guy.
Okay? Screw him in the acorn.
We're gonna have such a fun time tonight you're gonna forget all about that ass-faced jack knocker.
Thanks, Sam.
[Rubs Chest.]
You're sweet.
Hmm.
[Pop.]
Wha - Sully took your car again, huh? - Katie! - Can I borrow your bike? - Five bucks.
- Why? - Because it's my bike, gaylord.
Evil little monkey.
[Pop Resumes.]
[Bell Rings.]
[Whistling.]
- [Ends.]
- Did you just whistle at me? Because sexual harassment has no place in this office.
Count to 40 and meet me in the stairwell.
- It wasn't at you.
It was a general happiness whistle.
- Oh.
Ooh.
Nice job coloring in the hair strip.
You do Brazilian? Um You know, l-I gotta get working on that cutting costs thing.
- I wasted all last night, so - [Gasps.]
You make inroads with the crush? She broke up with her boyfriend.
He's not flyin' in.
I got a shot.
Just make sure that voucher cycles back or it's your ass.
Which I'm gonna touch now.
- The cycle! Marco! - And now.
And again.
Thesis! We're going back to the airfield.
You drive.
Uh No, no.
No, no.
I can't.
I don't have my car.
- Then you'll ride with me.
- [Sighs.]
[World Beat On Radio.]
Hey, Sam.
I'm improving my digestion through gravity.
Oh.
That's great.
Piper? - Come in.
- Oh, uh, you're busy.
- Yoga.
I'll come back.
- No, no.
Stay.
I'm warming down.
[Inhales.]
Panther breath.
Look, l I really need that voucher back from Marco.
Sorry, Sam, but I don't wanna talk to him right now.
- Happy baby! - Uh Believe me nobody wants you to not talk to Marco more than me, but the voucher has to cycle.
I really need help right now.
All right.
I'm only doing this 'cause it's you.
- Thank you so much.
- [Phone Keys Beeping.]
Hello, Marco? I wasn't gonna call you, but Uh-huh.
Yeah? Yeah.
- I know you get scared sometimes, baby.
- What? But we've gotta be able to talk about these things.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa What's happening? No, no - I feel all alone too.
No.
No.
No.
Screw Marco, remember? - Yeah, of course I still love you, baby.
- S Screw him in the acorn! - You're my scrunchie bunny.
- No - Bye.
- [Beeps.]
Great news.
Marco's getting on the next flight.
- Flight 19.
- He's coming to the party tonight.
With your voucher.
You get your cycle.
Everybody wins! Yea! Yea.
Oh, my God.
I know where we are.
We're in the outdoor sculpture garden.
- I know the Rodin is in town.
[Gasps.]
- Cue lights! [Crowd Shouting.]
Happy birthday, Piper.
! - [Cheering.]
- No way! - Where am I? - Comiskey Park.
And you're gonna sing karaoke! - Go music! - [Pop On Stadium Speakers.]
- Oh, my God This is my favorite song! - [Together.]
We know.
- Happy birthday.
- [Gasping.]
Oh Aw.
- Karaoke.
Cram it, rack it, ship it, slam it.
And rock it! - [All Cheer.]
Oh, my God.
You guys are so sweet.
I am truly, truly blessed to have friends like you.
And now, my gift back to you, the gift of song.
- With a little assist from Miss Annie Lennox.
- [Man Cheers.]
[Singing Along With Pop Song.]
[Continues.]
- [Continues.]
- [Microphone Thuds.]
- [Crowd Shouts.]
- [Sully.]
It's all good, folks! - [Piper.]
I'm good - She's bringing it in strong! [Laughs.]
- Whoo! - Go, go, go, go, go.
- Crazy! - [Cheering, Applauding.]
I know you went through a lot to make tonight happen, Sammy.
Oh, it's nothing.
My work hardly suffered.
Well, you've always been there for me.
Ever since we met freshman year.
I really don't know what I would do without you.
- Ah, but we're friends.
- More than friends.
- Marco! - [Man Sings.]
- Happy birthday, Piper.
- [Gasps.]
[Exclaiming, Giggling.]
Hey, Sam.
Oh, thank you so much for the voucher.
I wouldn't have been able to get here otherwise.
[Grunts.]
Uh, yeah.
Believe me, l I know.
- You kept our birthday streak alive.
- Yeah, terrific.
Wonderful.
Listen, I'm gonna need that voucher back.
Oh, I didn't know you needed it.
I left it at the airport.
What? No, no.
It has to cycle.
Marco? Do you remember where you tossed it? Um, the baggage claim.
Or, it was at the gate.
I did have a Chipwich.
- Marco! - Polo! I'm sorry.
I was just so laser-focused on getting these awesome flowers - I can't remember.
- African white orchids, my favorite.
- I love them.
- I love you.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Mmm.
You know, I gotta go.
I gotta take off.
[Chuckles.]
- Mmm.
- L-I gotta get outta here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We'll come with you.
What? No, it's okay.
It's your party.
You stay.
- Are you sure you don't need any help? - Yeah, it's cake.
I just have to call the airport.
I'm an executive.
[Rock.]
Thesis.
! What do you got? - Excuse me? - [Airplane Passing Overhead.]
The thing you've been working on all week other than that retarded squirrel look which you've nailed like a two-dollar whore.
Uh Right.
Yeah.
How How to cut costs.
[Airplane Passing Overhead.]
Um Well, uh Well, um Cancel the employee voucher program? - [Airplane Passing Overhead.]
- Not only has it lost income but the manpower costs to cycle the paperwork through the system are astronomical.
Son of a bitch.
Of course.
Ah Why should the apes fly for free? Write it up, Thesis.
Now this is the fruitiness I was talking about.
This little shaved titmouse [Chuckles.]
He doesn't care that he took away the one last perk of your jobs.
He doesn't care that he's going to incur the lasting wrath and hatred of each and every one of you.
Hate him all you want.
Because this little bastard came to play.
[Airplane Passing Overhead.]
Darcy, you know, you didn't have to come.
I just need the number for operations.
- [Airplane Passing Overhead.]
- No, no.
A good assistant is on call 24 hours a day.
That level of dedication and unbridled enthusiasm is how you make it to the top.
I learned that at M.
I.
T.
Where I graduated fourth in my class.
The other three are in space.
Nut cutters! - Hands where I can see 'em, jerk stick.
- [Gun Cocks.]
This has to cycle.
- [Whistling.]
Uh-oh.
- [Zipper Zips.]
Just zapped you the report.
I know it's late, but I'm going to need a full distribution on this one, okay? Done.
- That's it? - They taught me how to send an e-mail at M.
I.
T.
- Where I went.
- Great.
Phil! Hey.
I just did the analysis for the Tokyo-O'Hare flight.
First class and coach empty.
So let's make it all business.
No first, no coach, all business.
And that's our slogan: "We're all business to Tokyo.
" It's in the report.
Read your e-mail.
Hey, Steve.
We're all business to Tokyo.
You're getting a report.
Check your e-mail.
Hey, Tokyo is about to become all business.
"We're all business to Tokyo.
" Read your e-mail.
- [Cell Phone Rings.]
- Hello? [Man.]
Sambo, where are you, man? We are leaving.
- Yeah, I'll be home in five minutes.
- Oh.
! Are you changed? - Totally.
- [Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
- [Continues.]
- Twelve hours before I gotta be back at work.
- Let's rock it! - That's a tough look on the kicks there, Brother.
Crap jack! [Ends.]
All right.
Let's go.
Time's a wastin'.
Lizzy, you bartending tonight? Oh, right.
Let me get changed.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Okay, I'll drive.
- Shotgun! - Shotgun! - [Woman.]
My God.
! - Shotgun! - [Woman.]
Sully.
! - Check it out, girlie pants! - Where'd you get that? - Employee discount.
I thought you worked at Pier 1? How much wicker does one man need? I'm a Toys "R" Us kid now.
I'm gonna live forever.
Yea-ha! - [Groans.]
- [Reggae.]
- [Whimpers.]
- Oh.
I'm good.
[Groans.]
- [Rock On Jukebox.]
- All right, Piper.
Let's talk about your birthday party.
What are we doing? Tell me if this is too crazy, but the King Tut exhibit's in town and I thought it would be really fun if we all got super dressed up and went to the museum on my member card.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, sweet, fragrant Lord.
- Who raised you? Frasier? - Well, I don't know what to do.
Marco always used to take me out for my birthday.
Just because your boyfriend doesn't live here anymore doesn't mean your life has to stop, sweetie.
- We We should have a party, you know? Get a little nuts.
- Yes.
Yes.
Thanks, Sammy.
You're such a good friend.
What every guy loves to hear.
- Who is that? - Oh, great.
It's Derek Tricolli.
[Man Sings.]
- I haven't seen that guy since graduation.
- I hate that guy.
Hey.
What's up, Piper? Uh Mmm Ho, hey.
Right on the lips.
How about that? So, heard you're doing an extra year of college.
What's up with that noise? Just need to take some more science credit so I can get into med school.
Well, we should go out sometime.
You can study my anatomy.
Pro bono.
- [Mouthing Words.]
- Uh, I have a boyfriend, but but thanks.
Sam, heard you're working for an airline.
What are you, a stewardess? Just kiddin'.
- A flight attendant? - I'm an executive.
Actually, he's the youngest one ever.
Hired off his college thesis.
And he's my brother.
I cover the airline industry at Goldman Sachs.
Not a sexy industry.
- It does not open my lumber store.
- [Groans.]
Are you serious? I mean, commercial aviation is the backbone of our economy.
What better illustrates the American dream than air travel? Doesn't Hooters have an airline? Knockers at 30K! Who's with me? I also get a voucher that lets me fly first class anywhere in the world.
I got that voucher too.
It's called the platinum Amex.
Up top! Down low.
Too slow.
I'm outta here.
No, no, no, no.
No.
- [Soft Rock.]
- Oh, my God.
Check it out.
- [Continues.]
- He just met her.
That's crazy.
Well, when you try to make out with 100 girls a day - you're bound to make contact.
[Chuckles.]
- We gotta find you a girl, Sam.
I could round up 100 of my friends - and you could try to make out with all of'em.
- No, no.
I only need one, you know? [Continues.]
- I am so excited about my party.
- God, I am too.
[Giggles.]
Can I get some more shots over here, please? Shots! Ooh.
Sam, don't you have to work tomorrow? Piper, come on.
There's something you need to understand about me.
When I'm at work, I rock it.
And when I'm at play, I rock it.
I am the mixmaster of my two worlds.
You know, work, play, work, play.
- It's my turntables right here.
- [Chuckles.]
Know what I'm sayin'? Work and play, ones and twos.
Play and rock, ones and twos.
Rock it, r-rock it.
Work-Work.
Rock, work.
Rock-Rock.
- Rock, rock.
R-R-R-R - I thought that one was work.
It The point is, I can do both.
- Mmm.
Darcy Hey.
- [Phone Rings.]
- Can I get two-sided copies of these, please? - I'll try.
Hey, business class.
Nice job on the report.
As usual.
- Thank you.
- Whoa What happened to your head? Jack balls.
Sully! Damn, you smell sexable.
- What is that,J.
Lo for men? - Hello, there, Jerry.
Arthur.
- Oh, God.
- [Door Closes.]
- Thesis.
! Are you ready for the meeting? - Yes, Mr.
MacDonald.
Yes, I am.
Better be.
I didn't hire you to hang out in the bathroom and watch me walk my horse.
- Then I'm your man.
- Apparently.
The meeting is at the airfield.
Get your car.
I'll ride with you.
- Wheels up in two minutes.
- [Exhales.]
Two minutes.
Yes, sir.
- I'm gonna kill you, Sully! - [Laughing.]
You know the rules, man.
You pass out on the living room floor, you get the clippity-clip.
This job is important to me, Sully.
It's not Toys "R" Us.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm in Long John Silver's now.
- Sully! Relax.
I left a hat in the back of the car.
Just rock it! - Crisis averted.
- Wha What the crap is that? Um My little nephew's having an operation today.
He loves the sea.
[Chuckles.]
I told him I'd wear it so he'd know I was thinking about him.
- Take it off.
- But But I can't.
L-I promised him.
- He's only six.
He might not make it.
- Oh, Russ.
Let him wear it.
- Where's your compassion? - I have a gay son.
He took it all.
Throttle up! [Engine Starts, Revs.]
- [Cell Phone Ringing.]
- Is that a personal call? - Uh, no.
- Put it on the box.
[Sighs.]
Wha [Sully.]
Bro, I forgot to tell you, I ate a lightbulb.
Yeah.
I finally did it, man.
Sixty watts in my belly.
Aw, sucky! Uh Y-Yeah, bad connection.
In a tunnel.
I'll call you later, okay? B-Bye.
I can't believe you're the future of this airline.
When I was 23, I was knee-deep in kraut-land.
Poking Jerries with a long knife.
The airlines are dying.
We are in a crap-covered death spiral.
Now, if you want sugarcoating, go down to Auntie Anne's and get a honey cinnamon pretzel with cheese.
Now we're up against it.
But there is a way to win.
And it's called imagination.
No, I know.
I know.
I said a fruity word.
So, have I gone insane? Is this airline being run by a madman? Maybe.
But it's gonna take madness to save this drowning mongoose.
All right, imagination.
Everybody say it with me.
- [Together.]
Imag - No, don't say it.
Because you don't have it.
We're gonna cut costs or everybody's gonna be suckin' off the government teat.
And that is one crusty heifer.
I want ideas! From every one of you ass clowns in two days.
And if you can't imagine that, imagine yourself fired.
So, get fruity, folks.
Oh, by the way, you don't have a pension plan anymore.
Enjoy the cold cereal.
[Cell Phone Ringing.]
Hello? Piper, hi.
So sorry to bother you at work.
I've just been thinking a lot about my party and Marco not being there - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh-Uh - Personal call? - Um, yes.
- Put it on the box.
This is weird.
You know, because we've been friends for such a long time and I don't even know how to say this.
I can't do this over the phone.
- Do you wanna have dinner tonight? - Yeah, th-that would be great.
- Your boyfriend can't talk right now.
- No, no.
- I'm not her boyfriend.
I never said I was her boyfriend.
- [Beeps.]
I haven't seen a bigger puss since I took my son to see that Garfield movie.
Get your head out of your boy hole, buccaneer.
We've got a meeting in three bills.
- B-But why are we going on the runway? - Danger.
- Put some hair on those main glands.
Both of them.
- [Airplane Passes Overhead.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I've made a lasagna.
- Oh, I love lasagna.
I love all layered Italian dishes.
Oh, my God, Sam! Look at your hair.
- [Under Breath.]
Oh, yeah.
- I told Sully not to do that.
- L-I can fix it.
Grab a seat.
- Oh.
Hey, so where is everyone? - Out.
- Oh, great.
Nobody here but us chickens.
[Chuckles.]
- What? - Nothing.
Withdrawn.
Oh, Sam.
Your shoulders are so tense.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's muscle.
I've been doing wall sits in my office.
You should feel my butt.
[Chuckles.]
So, you know Marco and I have been together a really long time and I just don't know if I'm built for long distance.
Hey, I've been with M.
C.
I.
For twelve years.
That slut doesn't make it easy.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know how to say this.
It's just that we've been friends for such a long time and I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize Jeopardize, jeopardize, jeopardize.
Do you think you could get me one of those vouchers from work so Marco could fly out for my birthday? - Sure.
- Oh, my God! Thank you so much, Sam.
You are such a good friend.
I'm gonna call Marco and tell him.
Free voucher! Yeah! [Hair Clipper Buzzing.]
[Dog Growls.]
Thesis.
What are you doing here so late? Cuttin'costs? - Feeling fruity? - Damn.
I gotta get on that.
I really wanna come up with something that'll blow Russ away.
Oh, trust me.
I've blown Russ away a time or two.
It's not all candy canes and rainbows.
Why do these vouchers have to physically cycle through the system? Why aren't they just computerized? Why aren't your pants around my head? Both answers: People fear change.
Nice hat, by the way.
Try and make a wish.
Hey.
Can you Can you sign off on this? Who's, uh, Marco Piniero? Some knob rocket my roommate Piper's dating.
Ooh.
Do I smell a crush? Can you just sign off on this? I need to overnight it to stupid L.
A.
- Admit you like her first.
- What? No.
Lovemaker, you need a V.
P.
To sign off on this.
I'm the only V.
P.
Who still cares enough to work late.
Say it.
O-Okay, fine, fine.
All right.
I like her.
I've liked her forever.
All through college.
I've always wanted to go out with her.
There.
Please, sign it.
Oh.
Put some ice on it, sex ranger.
I had no idea what I was tapping into.
Okay.
You got two ways in.
And, go! [Man Singing.]
- [Continues.]
- She's got a mouth - [Metal Snapping.]
- [Sully Shouts.]
Oh, Brother.
Perchance, did you leave many a mousetrap in the closet hall where I tend to do my napping? - It's for my hair.
- Oh, well played, Montezuma.
- Well.
- Well, good news.
I got a lock on Piper's party.
Remember the lady waitress I was making time with at the bar last night? Turns out, her dad's the head groundskeeper at Comiskey Park.
Got us the whole place to ourselves tomorrow night.
And check this We get to rock karaoke from theJumbo Tron.
- Oh, Piper's gonna go nuts.
She loves karaoke.
- Mmm.
[Piper Singing, Out Of Tune.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
But she sucks, which makes it fun for us.
Mama didn't raise no fool.
- [Snaps.]
- God! That hurts my ass! Happy Birthday, Piper.
I made you an omelet cake.
- Marco and I broke up.
- Oh, no.
Honey, what happened? I just told him that the whole long-distance thing was really hard on me and he said, "Yeah, maybe it's not working out.
" And that's what he always does.
Soon as I tell him how I feel, he just escalates it.
And I haven't been in a lot of relationships, you know.
But that's not right, is it? No, sweetie, it's not.
He should be able to talk about this stuff.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, he can't.
But maybe - [Door Opens.]
Maybe this is what's supposed to happen.
- Hey, happy birthday.
- Marco and her broke up.
Oh, my God.
That's horrible.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Hey, you know what? Screw that guy.
Okay? Screw him in the acorn.
We're gonna have such a fun time tonight you're gonna forget all about that ass-faced jack knocker.
Thanks, Sam.
[Rubs Chest.]
You're sweet.
Hmm.
[Pop.]
Wha - Sully took your car again, huh? - Katie! - Can I borrow your bike? - Five bucks.
- Why? - Because it's my bike, gaylord.
Evil little monkey.
[Pop Resumes.]
[Bell Rings.]
[Whistling.]
- [Ends.]
- Did you just whistle at me? Because sexual harassment has no place in this office.
Count to 40 and meet me in the stairwell.
- It wasn't at you.
It was a general happiness whistle.
- Oh.
Ooh.
Nice job coloring in the hair strip.
You do Brazilian? Um You know, l-I gotta get working on that cutting costs thing.
- I wasted all last night, so - [Gasps.]
You make inroads with the crush? She broke up with her boyfriend.
He's not flyin' in.
I got a shot.
Just make sure that voucher cycles back or it's your ass.
Which I'm gonna touch now.
- The cycle! Marco! - And now.
And again.
Thesis! We're going back to the airfield.
You drive.
Uh No, no.
No, no.
I can't.
I don't have my car.
- Then you'll ride with me.
- [Sighs.]
[World Beat On Radio.]
Hey, Sam.
I'm improving my digestion through gravity.
Oh.
That's great.
Piper? - Come in.
- Oh, uh, you're busy.
- Yoga.
I'll come back.
- No, no.
Stay.
I'm warming down.
[Inhales.]
Panther breath.
Look, l I really need that voucher back from Marco.
Sorry, Sam, but I don't wanna talk to him right now.
- Happy baby! - Uh Believe me nobody wants you to not talk to Marco more than me, but the voucher has to cycle.
I really need help right now.
All right.
I'm only doing this 'cause it's you.
- Thank you so much.
- [Phone Keys Beeping.]
Hello, Marco? I wasn't gonna call you, but Uh-huh.
Yeah? Yeah.
- I know you get scared sometimes, baby.
- What? But we've gotta be able to talk about these things.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa What's happening? No, no - I feel all alone too.
No.
No.
No.
Screw Marco, remember? - Yeah, of course I still love you, baby.
- S Screw him in the acorn! - You're my scrunchie bunny.
- No - Bye.
- [Beeps.]
Great news.
Marco's getting on the next flight.
- Flight 19.
- He's coming to the party tonight.
With your voucher.
You get your cycle.
Everybody wins! Yea! Yea.
Oh, my God.
I know where we are.
We're in the outdoor sculpture garden.
- I know the Rodin is in town.
[Gasps.]
- Cue lights! [Crowd Shouting.]
Happy birthday, Piper.
! - [Cheering.]
- No way! - Where am I? - Comiskey Park.
And you're gonna sing karaoke! - Go music! - [Pop On Stadium Speakers.]
- Oh, my God This is my favorite song! - [Together.]
We know.
- Happy birthday.
- [Gasping.]
Oh Aw.
- Karaoke.
Cram it, rack it, ship it, slam it.
And rock it! - [All Cheer.]
Oh, my God.
You guys are so sweet.
I am truly, truly blessed to have friends like you.
And now, my gift back to you, the gift of song.
- With a little assist from Miss Annie Lennox.
- [Man Cheers.]
[Singing Along With Pop Song.]
[Continues.]
- [Continues.]
- [Microphone Thuds.]
- [Crowd Shouts.]
- [Sully.]
It's all good, folks! - [Piper.]
I'm good - She's bringing it in strong! [Laughs.]
- Whoo! - Go, go, go, go, go.
- Crazy! - [Cheering, Applauding.]
I know you went through a lot to make tonight happen, Sammy.
Oh, it's nothing.
My work hardly suffered.
Well, you've always been there for me.
Ever since we met freshman year.
I really don't know what I would do without you.
- Ah, but we're friends.
- More than friends.
- Marco! - [Man Sings.]
- Happy birthday, Piper.
- [Gasps.]
[Exclaiming, Giggling.]
Hey, Sam.
Oh, thank you so much for the voucher.
I wouldn't have been able to get here otherwise.
[Grunts.]
Uh, yeah.
Believe me, l I know.
- You kept our birthday streak alive.
- Yeah, terrific.
Wonderful.
Listen, I'm gonna need that voucher back.
Oh, I didn't know you needed it.
I left it at the airport.
What? No, no.
It has to cycle.
Marco? Do you remember where you tossed it? Um, the baggage claim.
Or, it was at the gate.
I did have a Chipwich.
- Marco! - Polo! I'm sorry.
I was just so laser-focused on getting these awesome flowers - I can't remember.
- African white orchids, my favorite.
- I love them.
- I love you.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Mmm.
You know, I gotta go.
I gotta take off.
[Chuckles.]
- Mmm.
- L-I gotta get outta here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We'll come with you.
What? No, it's okay.
It's your party.
You stay.
- Are you sure you don't need any help? - Yeah, it's cake.
I just have to call the airport.
I'm an executive.
[Rock.]
Thesis.
! What do you got? - Excuse me? - [Airplane Passing Overhead.]
The thing you've been working on all week other than that retarded squirrel look which you've nailed like a two-dollar whore.
Uh Right.
Yeah.
How How to cut costs.
[Airplane Passing Overhead.]
Um Well, uh Well, um Cancel the employee voucher program? - [Airplane Passing Overhead.]
- Not only has it lost income but the manpower costs to cycle the paperwork through the system are astronomical.
Son of a bitch.
Of course.
Ah Why should the apes fly for free? Write it up, Thesis.
Now this is the fruitiness I was talking about.
This little shaved titmouse [Chuckles.]
He doesn't care that he took away the one last perk of your jobs.
He doesn't care that he's going to incur the lasting wrath and hatred of each and every one of you.
Hate him all you want.
Because this little bastard came to play.
[Airplane Passing Overhead.]
Darcy, you know, you didn't have to come.
I just need the number for operations.
- [Airplane Passing Overhead.]
- No, no.
A good assistant is on call 24 hours a day.
That level of dedication and unbridled enthusiasm is how you make it to the top.
I learned that at M.
I.
T.
Where I graduated fourth in my class.
The other three are in space.
Nut cutters! - Hands where I can see 'em, jerk stick.
- [Gun Cocks.]
This has to cycle.
- [Whistling.]
Uh-oh.
- [Zipper Zips.]