The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Jerry Seinfeld, Kelly Ripa, Alec Baldwin

And you call it.
- Okay.
- All right.
[jazzy music, crowd cheering.]
My wife made her pitch, But I swung and gave it a ride! It was off the wall, And I knew it was gonna be close.
Slide! Oh, you're out! I lost.
But that's not important.
Because I learned in marriage everyone needs a ref.
I can do that.
Male announcer: And tonight's panel To help the marriage ref make his call-- Now, here's the marriage ref, Tom papa! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hooray! Hi, and welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa, and tonight we're gonna watch real couples In the middle of real-life arguments, And we're gonna give them The one thing they've always wanted-- A winner.
My marriage philosophy is simple.
I've been married for ten years.
I love my wife.
You know why? We keep it simple.
Don't make it harder than it has to be.
I have single friends trying to get married.
They're already a mess.
"II'm waiting for my soul mate.
I want my soul mate.
" It doesn't exist.
Find someone you can tolerate.
How 'bout that? Really.
Keep it simple.
Find someone you can sleep next to without throwing up, And marry them.
All right, well, we've got a great show for you guys, So let's get started and meet our panel of experts.
Now, in the opinion of our show, If you are, been, just got, or are getting out of marriage, We consider you an expert.
Our first guest is a movie star, tv star, And our idea of a cool, sharp guy, Alec baldwin! [cheers and applause.]
Our next guest you all know from live with regis and kelly.
You want eye candy that's also smart, funny, and talented? You got it.
Kelly ripa! [cheers and applause.]
And finally, He's tanned, he's rested, he's ready.
Jerry seinfeld.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
This is great.
So the way this works Is we watch each couple, I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me in favor of the husband or the wife, And then I make the call.
Is this a perfect system? Not even close.
But at least the argument's over And someone wins a prize.
Our first stop tonight-- Let's climb aboard the iconic long island railroad And rumble out to the rustic hamlet Of center moriches, new york to meet the rodolphes, Whose pet is presenting somewhat of a stiff challenge To their relationship.
From day one, it was love at first sight, As far as I could see, and I think she agrees.
[jazzy music.]
Every day's an adventure with kevin.
I think that that's what really attracts me to him.
I had him 14 years, this guy.
He was a great dog.
He was like my best friend.
The day that fonzie died Was pretty much one of the best days of my life.
At fonzie's passing, I didn't cry at all Because, uh'cause I knew I was gonna do this.
[tense classical music.]
Audience: Oh! - [gasps.]
- take a look at him.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at this guy.
Can I touch him? Sure.
Go right ahead.
This is my guy, man.
I-I-I really-- I really-- I really--I-I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I cannot I cannot Cannot have this Would you relax? I mean, calm down here.
In my house.
- Calm down.
- Oh, my god, I can't! Oh, m--oh Just gonna make me happy to see him.
Next time you see him, you can take him with you.
He's gonna be ready to go home.
Other people, they have animals for 14, 15 years, The animal passes away, the animal gets buried.
Yeah, but he was a special dog.
Everybody thinks their dog is special.
- Yeah, but he's- - this dog is a special dog.
All right? You should really respect my thoughts A little bit, I think.
I will.
I will respect them.
You're gonna respect them, But you're not going to change - I'll respect your thoughts.
- What you're doing.
This is my dream come true.
That's--that's maybe where the difference is, you know? This is my dream, but it's your nightmare.
It's the opposite.
This is very important for me to have this guy stuffed.
I built a nice shrine for him, and I'll talk to him every day.
I want him to feel like Like it's a homecoming.
He doesn't have feelings.
His spirit.
His spirit and him will just connect right here.
It's gonna be good.
- But, babe - You know - He's notGoing - It's all in connection.
You know, in two weeks' time, You're just gonna- it's just gonna be like Still a dead dog.
[cheers and applause.]
So the issue here Is should kevin be allowed to keep his dog around the house Even though it's stuffed and dead? Panel, what do you think? In the words of danielle, I would just like to say, I cannotI cannot I cannot I cannotCannot Can't-annot fathom Why that would make him feel better.
I think if you're gonna stuff your dog, You should stuff it in either a useful or attractive position.
Like it's attacking.
Not in a lump.
Not in a dead position.
Not in like a lump where it's like a doorstop, You know what I mean? It was an unattractive stuffing of the dog, I thought.
Don't you? An unattractive stuffing.
Well, he's sleeping peacefully.
You know, people like to get into that middle realm.
Maybe he's not really dead, he's sleeping.
You know, it's a dead sleep.
He's okay.
He's okay.
I have to agree with alec, though.
I think they stuffed him the way he died.
I mean, it doesn't look like he died-- It wasn't like he died valiantly.
I think he cut corners.
He tried to save money on the stuffing, actually.
'cause this is more money.
If he'd gone for a big-- Well, look at the pedestal.
The pedestal is a little, uh, basic, isn't it? It's like a hospital bed.
It's like a textbook with a paper over it.
Can I see her reaction when she first walks in there? Yeah.
I-I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I cannot I cannot Cannot [applause.]
What I want to know is if this is something That's done a lot.
Whenever I need facts, I go to our very own just the facts ma'am, From nbc news, the lovely natalie morales, everyone.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi, natalie.
- Hello, tom.
Can you give me some idea Of how many people are stuffing their pets? Well, last year in the United States, Roughly 1,000 people stuffed their pets.
You know, for kevin's sake, I was hoping that number would be a little higher.
Anything that just a thousand people is doing, That--that's crazy.
That's serial killer numbers.
Go ahead, alec.
Women come and go, but a stuffed dog is forever.
You know what I mean? That may be where he's coming from.
It's kind of upsetting if he gets a new dog, too.
If he loves dogs so much, then a new dog walks in And he's like, "oh, it's so good to be here-- Who the hell is that?" Kelly: You're right.
And when are you gonna do that to me? By the time he's 65, It's the madame tussauds of dogs in this house.
Come on, now.
And she's gotta be thinking, "what will happen to me when I go?" I mean, he obviously really deeply, deeply Loves this dog.
I know, but You know.
There's a lot of dogs.
- I love my florist.
- Yeah.
All right.
No, no, I think something May have slipped by you.
Can you bring up the attic, please? I want you to take a look at this.
Obviously, he wanted to be a boxer.
- Yep.
- That didn't pan out.
Right? He tried being in a band.
That didn't work.
He even got into painting.
Couldn't even find canvas to paint on.
That fails.
So here he is, sitting on the floor Of his open-air attic of broken dreams.
But Through all of these disappointments, Who stood by him? Who was there the entire way? Who was his rock? Who is now as hard as a rock.
The fonz.
I'm curious why she She She could say that that's the best day of her life That her husband's dog died.
That seems a little-- Because she killed that dog.
Do we have any more fun facts on them? Do we have anything that tells us that? The fonz, apparently, was a little bit of a menace.
He chewed holes in furniture, ruined eight couches, Their water bed, and peed on friends.
Well, who doesn't pee on their friends? I don't pee on my friends.
I don't do that.
Okay, well, bottom line, Who do you think I should go for? Jerry? Un, it's--it's gross, and he That top one there where you see the display-- That's the most disturbing.
Because you know there's gonna be a night That he's gonna come home, You know, maybe he's had a few AndYou know - Things happen.
- And what? He's gonna start talking to the dog.
She's gonna hear him talking to the dog In the hallway or something.
She overhears him like, "come on, boy, "one more time.
"come on! Daddy's gonna help ya.
Oh, your tail came off.
" So husband? I'm sorry, husband? No, no, the wife, the wife.
No dead dog.
- No dog.
Kelly? She happens to be completely sane and right in this, And I'm gonna have to side with danielle 100%.
All right.
[long island accent.]
he loves his dawg.
Well, in the age of the internet, He should be able to contact One of these other thousand people That stuff their dog, And maybe they can form a little club and get a clubhouse And keep the stuffed dogs in the clubhouse.
And not bring it home.
So everyone's for the wife.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I think it's unanimous.
- All right.
I think I'm ready to make my call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go back to center moriches, new york, And bring up the actual rodolphes In their actual home.
How are you? - Hi! Kelly: UmIs that a new - Ugh.
The dog is behind them.
Is that a new position? Yeah, that's--that's him.
That's him.
- So wait, that's-- - Danielle - Ee We noticed in the taped piece The dog looked like he was sleeping or still dead.
Now they've made him look more awake? Yeah, he's-- - 'cause he was frozen.
- He was still frozen.
Shaddup! He was frozen.
Quit talkin' over me.
He was still frozen, all right? There was a little problem, little complication, But, you know, he's here now, And he's giving her the malocchio.
Which means the evil eye in italian.
All right, kevin, look, I-I--really, I feel for you.
I know you love the dog.
I do.
But I gotta say, you have entered the horror movie zone.
You've crossed the line into wes cravenville.
You've scared danielle.
Frankly, y-you scared me a little.
And now you've scared a national television audience.
- I told you! - I'm sorry But the dog is not going in that creepy grotto of grief.
So danielle, you win.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah, baby! Yeah, yeah.
I knew it! But kevin, listen, I don't want you to get rid of the fonz, 'cause I like the fonz as well--I do.
- Thank you.
- But you've gotta keep him In the open-air unfinished attic Of broken dreams Where danielle can't see him.
I have an idea, kevin.
Maybe you could make him into a bobblehead And put him in the back window of the car.
Hey, you know, that's a good idea.
I'll think about that.
I'll have to respect your opinion.
Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
We really love both of you guys.
- Aw! Good luck to you.
Bye, guys.
All right, next up we'll see if there's any wiggle room On this issue.
We will never Never-- with capital letters-- Have a stripper pole in this house.
[cheers and applause.]
Next, let's paraglide into the foothills Of the beautiful blue ridge mountains And gently touch down in gainesville, georgia Where we check in with the hunters.
Greg has an idea, But dianah just can't seem to wrap herself around it.
He's everything that I ever wanted.
I met dianah at a club Dancing on top of the table.
He just came in with the ring one day And threw it on the bed and say, "here.
" That was his proposal.
- Who's my boo-boo? - [giggles.]
You can say what you want to say.
We won't get a stripper pole- - we gonna get one put in here.
- Let me tell you something.
- I'm gonna get one.
I'm-a keep it in the garage, hang it on the wall Like it's a fishing pole.
If you and I was at this house right here by ourself And it's Saturday night, Put some rap music on, You'd be twirling all around that pole.
We will never Never-- with capital letters-- Have a stripper pole in this house.
I think it would be interesting To see my wife dancing on a pole for me.
Baby, you're sexy to me.
Let's have fun.
Look at it from my point of view.
Look at it from my point of view.
I can't see it from your point of view, Because you're not the one that has to be on there.
I do.
And I'm your wife.
So you should respect me as your wife-- You should respect me as your husband.
You should respect me as your wife And say, you know what, that's my wife's body.
If she don't wanna get that stripper pole-- - What did the preacher say? - What? I'm the man of the household! Okay, why don't you get on there? No.
No, a man don't get on no stripper pole.
All right, then.
Guess what.
This woman don't either.
You keep lookin' at it as a stripper pole, Stripper pole.
- What is it? - It's not a stripper pole.
- Yes, it is.
- It's a exercise pole.
[cheers and applause.]
It's for both of our gratification.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
What part don't you understand? - Why you gettin' all mad? - Because it's all about you.
It ain't all about me, baby.
It's about us.
- No.
- We are one.
- I'm fine.
- When I said, "I do.
" - Baby, I'm fine.
- We are one.
I'm fine.
Baby, this is something That I've always wanted.
Guess what--people in hell want ice water, But they don't get it.
So the issue here is should greg be allowed To install a stripper pole in the bedroom? [laughter.]
Let's just begin by saying That don't we all agree That greg has made the greatest Pro-stripper pole argument in male/female history? Let's give him that.
I love her reaction when he went into his argument, though.
Can you show me that, please? What is it? What is it? What is it? I love her.
Jerry: I love her too.
I love that lady.
I love this couple.
It's in the interest of romance, right? - Yeah.
- So what's so wrong with it? He led with "it's a stripper pole, "I'll keep it in the garage.
People'll think it's a fishing pole.
" And that, to me, doesn't say romance.
That, to me, doesn't say, "let's get it on.
" That says, "let's go fishing.
" - right.
That's great, kelly.
Um I think we're wasting a lot of valuable network time.
I know how I'm voting.
Would you like to move to the vote? Natalie, could this, in any remote way, Be considered exercise? Well, actually, pole dancing classes have become Very popular as exercise.
And the information that I found Says that pole dancing can burn up to 250 calories an hour.
It claims that it can increase flexibility, Improves "body awareness" and strengthens muscles.
And what about for the woman? Listen, I think she can get freaky deaky with him.
I think they would have fun and she might enjoy that pole.
I know, but let's--okay.
I think kelly just told us something about herself.
Freaky deaky.
I'm just imagining That, okay, she goes along with it Yeah.
And they set up the music, the lights, She gets an outfit, she gets a routine together.
- A routine.
- She's a director.
She does the routine.
It's still one guy in the dark clapping.
It'sYou know.
Then he'll start complaining after the-- like the third show.
"I thought you were gonna come up with something new.
" Yeah.
Boo! [laughter, applause.]
Do you have any more fun facts about this? You know, for his part, Greg has given her about 50 thongs, About $500 worth of lingerie.
So he's obviously trying to spice it up a little bit.
That's a lot.
He's making an effort.
Why would you go over 30 thongs? Maybe this one, maybe this one, maybe this one, Maybe this one, maybe this one, maybe this one.
All right, here we go.
Alec, husband or the wife? I'm a sensitive man I'm a contemporary man.
I'm a man who understands the needs of women.
So I'm going to vote for the wife, Because putting the pole in the room-- If she doesn't wanna do it- is ridiculous! Ah! Surprise, surprise.
- She doesn't wanna do it.
- Very good.
Booooooooop! [laughter.]
Kelly, what do you think? I do think that she needs to hear what he's saying.
He wants more, maybe, affection.
He wants a show.
I'm having a very hard time with this.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna have to side With the wife, although I do think That they could have a good time on that pole.
All right, jerry? I feel, in marriage, Whatever maintains intimacy, excitement-- All right, so we'll dress it up with a giant rod and reel In the garage.
Okay, we'll get some huge fish.
You know, "look at what we caught with this pole, honey.
" - Okay.
- Right? Husband? I'm going with the husband.
Okay, now I'm ready to make the call.
[bell dings.]
Let's go to gainesville, georgia And bring up the actual hunters In their real-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
- How you doing? - Hey, guys.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
How you doing? Good.
How are you doing? - We're good.
- Doing wonderful.
Did you get any exercise today? [laughter.]
You know what, I actually did, But it definitely wasn't on a stripper pole.
Well, it's great to see you guys.
We thank you for coming on.
And I gotta say, I think, you know, Just listening to jerry, I believe this kinda stuff is all fine Among consenting adults.
But in this case, I think you need a little more than consent.
Because think about it, Who wants to see a resentful, sulking pole dancer? That's not good for anyone.
Just [laughter.]
So I am sorry, greg, No stripper pole in the bedroom.
Dianah, you win.
That's right, that's right.
I mean, here.
I mean, here.
Oh! Oh! [laughter and applause.]
I mean, come on.
No! It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
It don't change the fact that we will not Have a stripper pole up in here.
- No, you will not.
- It doesn't matter.
But you know what, on another show, I may come back and tackle that thong issue.
All right, you bring it on then.
Congratulations, dianah.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Now comes the point in our show Where we like to spotlight the line of the evening That we thought had just that little bit Of extra-zesty hot sauce on it.
Please welcome our announcer and legendary sportscaster, Marv albert.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, it's time for the barbasol shot of the day, Brought to you by barbasol.
Yeah, we still make it.
First up, this knee-buckling right cross From dianah hunter.
And tonight's winner, danielle rodolphe With this gleeful overhand haymaker To the chin.
And he's down.
Get the stretcher.
This bout is over.
- Thanks, marv.
For being such great sports, All our couples tonight will be swept away On a romantic second honeymoon, Furnished by royal caribbean international.
What? [cheers and applause.]
That's awesome! And now, here is a little sample Of what we have coming up this season On the marriage ref.
Starting this Thursday, The marriage ref moves to its new home, 10:00, 9:00 central.
You ready to go? a love you want Each week brings a new celebrity panel.
What? With stars like It's a recipe for disaster.
And now your marriage is in their hands.
This is the dream team for therapy.
What if your husband said, "I like a bald woman"? Bald where? - Oh! - Good night, everybody! Pets have become the new mistress.
That cat is his mistress.
You insist on having a dead man's leg.
She's got her husband's old prosthetic leg! This is the weirdest show I've ever been on.
If you just give them the schnookie, They shut up and do what you want.
This is easily the most uncomfortable hour I've ever spent in my life.
Why? 'cause you're sitting next to a woman Who's standing up to you?
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