The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s01e01 Episode Script


1 [chatter.]
[tapping on glass.]
Shh! Woman: Who gives a toast at her own wedding? I mean, who does that? Who stands in the middle of a ballroom after three glasses of champagne on a completely empty stomach and I mean completely empty because fitting into this dress required no solid food for three straight weeks.
Who does that? I do.
This day is perfect.
It's like a dream or a nightmare if you're my father.
"How much for the flowers?" "Who eats mushroom caps?" "Do the caterers have any idea "what the Jews just went through a few years ago?" Two cakes, one for eating.
- We're very happy.
- [laughter.]
This day has been long in planning.
Anyone who knows me knows I plan.
At 6 I decided Russian literature would be my major.
At 12 I found my signature haircut.
At 13 I announced I was going to Bryn Mawr College.
In Katharine Hepburn's old room.
From Day 1 I knew that decision was a charmed one.
Did you say I've got a lot to learn? First of all, my roommate Petra was friendly and fat, which was perfect.
I'll have someone to eat with who won't steal my boyfriend.
It smells so good.
The campus was old and elegant, with ivy-covered buildings and stained glass windows and Monogrammed butter pats.
What? [gasp.]
This was a magical place where butter was beautiful and I would solve the mysteries of the universe and meet brilliant women, kindred spirits who would explore this brave new world with me.
Ooh! My God, it's burning.
It's supposed to.
It's bleach.
It's awful.
I hate you for this.
It was your idea.
Never listen to me.
I'm nuts.
Why aren't you in pain? I'm from Kansas.
I don't know what that means.
- How much longer? - Ten minutes.
Oh, Jiminy Crickets.
Where are you going? Where is she going? I don't know.
Midge? Midge! - How much longer? - Nine minutes! - Holy fucking Christ balls! - [laughter.]
But all of these marvelous adventures were simply the preamble to my ultimate destiny.
I was going to meet a man a perfect man.
He would be 6'4" and blond, and his name would be Dashiell or Stafford or Joel.
Joel Maisel.
Best build-up since Iceman Cometh.
Joel Maisel was my knight in shining armor, a gift from God, and he thought I was brilliant.
He took me to galleries and poetry readings and Greek dramas.
[wolf whistle.]
[wolf whistle.]
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me, Miss.
Thanks, toots.
Man: Honey, don't go away.
She's going to need that.
That was Misty Dream, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, she's only 18 in dog years.
Anyway, I'll leave the jokes to our next performer.
He's fresh out of the Merchant Marines or some patriotic shit like that.
And, uh, let's hear it for him Lenny Bruce.
Come up.
This is the guy I wanted you to see.
No way he's funnier than Misty.
Thank you.
And so I was reading the paper, and, uh, there was a story.
These kids uh, 8 and 9-year-old were sniffing airplane glue to get high on.
These kids are responsible for turning musicians on to a lot of things they never knew about, actually.
Then I had a fantasy of how it happened.
The kid is alone in his room.
It's Saturday.
The kid is played by George Macready.
[as George Macready.]
Well, let's see now.
I'm all alone in a room, and it's Saturday.
I'll make an airplane.
That's what I'll do.
I'll make a Lancaster.
Good structural design.
I'll get the balsa wood here.
I'll cut it out.
I'll sand it down.
Add a little airplane glue.
I'll rub it on a rag and, uh [sniff.]
- Hey now.
- [laughter.]
I'm getting loaded.
Midge: Oh, the things Joel taught me.
- You know what I want? - Please don't say a virgin.
I want to make you laugh every day of your life.
Oh, great, but not now, though.
- No, no, not now.
- Mm-mm.
I have been very lucky.
I have wonderful parents.
I've had a very comfortable life, and though I knew that love would be great, I had no idea it would be anything that could justify what I paid for this dress.
What I paid for that dress.
We're very happy.
And because it's better than anything I could have imagined, I thought I should get up here today and tell all of you that I love this man.
And yes, there is shrimp in the egg rolls.
- [gasping.]
- [glass shatters.]
- We have a problem.
- Rabbi, she's kidding.
She's kidding.
You show me in the Bible where God says you can't eat shrimp.
"Whatever does not have fins or scales, - "you shall not eat.
" - But did He say shrimp? Cyril Ritchard: We were in for a wonderful day As I told you before When I saw what I saw I was terribly tempted to say On a wonderful day like today I defy any cloud to appear in the sky Dare any raindrop to pop in my eye On a wonderful day like today On a wonderful morning like this When the sun is as big Lefty, we got the rabbi.
- Hmm.
- How? When? We heard today.
My mother fainted, then called four people, then fainted again.
This year, on Yom Kippur, Rabbi Krinsky will be breaking fast at our house.
You're gonna need some lamb.
Rabbi loves his lamb.
Excuse me.
I'm in the middle of an order here.
- I'm so sorry.
What were you getting? - Pork chops.
Put her pork chops on my tab.
Oh, I can't believe it.
The rabbi's been mad at us since the wedding.
It only took four years of apologies and a dreidel signed by Sammy Davis Jr.
, but we finally got the bastard.
You like your free pork chops? Zip it, then.
- Delivery Thursday? - After 10.
I grabbed a couple of black and whites.
May I take this occasion to say We got the rabbi! That the whole human race Should go down on its knees Show that they're grateful for mornings like these For the world's in a wonderful way Antonio, I bought you a black and white.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Jerry, nice tie.
Got you a black and white.
Chorus: When the sun is as big As a yellow balloon - Even the sparrows - Thanks, Jerry.
Are singing in tune On a wonderful morning like this - Ritchard: On a wonderful day - Chorus: On a wonderful day Like today Perfect.
You are perfect.
[phone rings.]
- Hello.
- You tell everyone about the rabbi? What am I, a braggart? Please.
How's work? - I believe something got sold today.
- Hmm.
- How's the brisket? - I'm buying it a sash and a crown.
We'll need it.
I got a terrible stage time for tonight: 1:45.
- Yikes.
- I bowed out of my lunch meeting and got downtown as quickly as I could.
But that guy who runs the Gaslight Baz.
You must learn his name.
Baz still gave me the crappiest time.
- He hates me.
- Don't worry.
We'll fix it.
He doesn't see me as a real comedian.
I mean, I'm not a real comedian yet, but if he'd just give me a better time - We will fix it.
- 1:45.
No one is there at 1:45.
They're not? Well, then we'll fix it.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
- Go on at 1:45.
- Bye.
So the waiter says, "Fine.
I'll try it.
" He looks at the bowl and says "Where the hell is the spoon?" And the customer says "Aha.
" So he didn't bring him a spoon.
And that's why he didn't eat the soup.
No spoon.
Well, you can't eat a soup with no spoon.
- Oh, boy.
That's a good joke there.
- Yeah.
Penny, can you walk Mitchell down to Al's office? - Of course.
- Al can take you through the specs.
Boy, I'll be laughing about that spoon for a week.
I saw Funt heading down the hall.
I sent him over to Al's office.
He's fine.
You heading down to the Village tonight? Midge will be here any minute.
Joel Maisel, king of comedy.
All right, all right.
You know, Imogene's dying to see your act.
I told her I don't know why.
I see you acting ridiculous all day long.
Very amusing.
Can I use that? Seriously, when can we come? I have a cab waiting downstairs.
- Hi, Archie.
- Why'd you have him wait? We could have taken another cab.
I know, but the driver's having trouble with his marriage, and I hated to send him off like that.
So I'll come next week? Next week.
Why not? Bye, Archie.
- Good night, Penny.
- Good night.
Barbra Streisand: If you want to buy a kite Or a pup to keep you up at night Or a dwarf who used to know Snow White Or a frog who loves to sing Come to the supermarket in old Peking If you want a bust of jade Or an egg that's more or less decayed Or in case you'd care to meet a maid For a nice but naughty fling Come to the supermarket in old Peking They have bird nest soup, seaweed soup Noodle soup, poodle soup Talking crows with the croup Almost anything If you want to buy a saw Or a fish delicious when it's raw Or a pill to kill your mother-in-law Or a bee without a sting Come to the supermarket If you come on a turtle, you can park it So come to the supermarket If you come on a goose, you can park it So come to the supermarket And see Peking - [rhythm section.]
- [chatter.]
Some people say man is made out of mud A poor man's made out of muscle and blood Muscle and blood and skin and bone A mind that's weak and a back that's strong - You load 16 tons - Packed house.
Yeah, it won't be at 1:45.
Oi, my God, with the one-track mind.
- Go.
Let the master work.
- [phone rings.]
Don't you call me 'cause I can't go - [ring.]
- I owe my soul To the company store - Waitress: Coming right up.
- [ring.]
Fuck! [ring.]
What? Gaslight.
What? Yes.
We're open.
Don't know.
When everyone's gone.
Salk should find a vaccine for morons.
- Yes? - I'm looking for Baz.
Shitter, back on the right.
I'll wait till he's done.
- That the brisket? - It's for Baz.
- We pay the coffee guy? - Yes.
Where in here does it say that? Jesus Christ, Baz.
Hello, Midge.
Is that I made my brisket.
So I'm guessing your husband doesn't like his time slot tonight.
No, he loves his time slot.
He loves any time slot.
There's just a tiny problem.
Our daughter is sick.
Ear-ache, and 1:45 is just so late.
I didn't know what to do.
I thought Didn't your son have the measles last week? What? Uh, yes.
Yes, he did.
And the week before that, your mother had rickets? Yes.
So painful.
And last month, your sister-in-law broke her toe.
Your brother threw out his back.
That's a lot of health issues.
Your family might want to eat some fruit.
I'll take that into consideration.
Next time, I'd like some latkes.
I make great latkes, genius latkes.
You won't be sorry.
Saint Peter, don't you call me - 'Cause I can't go - Pussy.
I owe my soul to the company store - 10:30.
- You're kidding.
Where's my kiss? I should be kissing the brisket.
A lot of men didn't, a lot The next act up is a nice clean-cut young man, somebody your mother would love.
He's a comedian.
Give a big hand for Joel Maisel.
Thanks a lot.
So many of you may have read the book The Hidden Persuaders.
It's about Madison Avenue's marketing men and how they create the public personas we all learn to know and trust, - and vote for.
- [light laughter.]
Well, what if, during the Civil War, there was no Lincoln? What if they had to create him? [laughter.]
This is a telephone conversation between Abe Lincoln and his press agent just before Gettysburg.
Hi, Abe, sweetheart.
How are you, kid? [laughter.]
How's Gettysburg? Sort of a drag, huh? Well, Abe, you know them small Pennsylvania towns you seen one, you seen them all.
What's the problem? You're thinking of shaving it off? Uh, Abe, don't you see that's part of the image? Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat and the string tie.
You don't have the shawl? [laughter.]
Where's the shawl, Abe? You left it in Washington? What are you wearing, Abe? A sort of cardigan? Abe, don't you see that doesn't go with the string tie and beard? [laughter.]
Abe, would you leave the beard on and get the shawl, huh? [laughter.]
All right, now, Abe, you got your speech, right? Abe, you haven't changed the speech, have you? $3.
30 and one subway token.
I'll take that token.
Tonight was great.
I killed.
I had a good time, so I killed.
I need an audience.
I feed off an audience.
I finished, people started to leave.
Did you see that? I almost left myself.
Perfect slot.
Give me that slot again next time.
Saw your act.
Don't forget the latkes.
- Who's that guy? - She works there.
Heh heh.
Only in the Village.
Taxi! You got three more laughs tonight than you did last time, and a couple of extra, like, laughlets.
But what you were shaking your head for? - Hmm? - Nothing.
You were great.
I was great.
You know, you don't really say hello to the audience.
Maybe you should write a beginning, something that says who you are or something.
What do you think? [snoring.]
Good evening.
What a nice Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for the nice nice "Nice" is a bad, bad word.
All that applause for me? What am I, putting out after? One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.
Maybe you could do impressions to start.
You do a great one of my aunt Bertha ordering dinner.
"A garnish can be festive but deadly.
" - Good night, Gracie.
- Good night, Gracie.
[water running.]
[water running.]
[alarm buzzes.]
Good morning.
- Did the alarm go off? - It sure did.
I didn't hear it at all.
You never do.
Peggy Lee: Yes, it's a good day For singin' a song And it's a good day For movin' along - Yes, it's a good day - [buzz.]
How could anything be wrong? A good day from mornin' till night - Good morning, Jerry.
- Good morning, Mrs.
For shining your shoes And it's a good day For losin' the blues - Everything to gain - Thanks, Jerry.
Nothin' to lose A good day from mornin' till night Hello.
It's me.
Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Can I get you some coffee? Oh, yes, Zelda, please.
- Good morning, Papa.
- Mm.
Good morning, Ethan.
Good morning, Ethan.
E Never mind.
- Here you are.
- Did you get coffee? Yes, and a great welcome from my son.
- Men.
- Thanks for taking the kids last night.
- Were they okay? - We need to talk about the baby.
Why? What's the matter with her? That forehead is not improving.
- What? Are you sure? - It's getting bigger.
The whole face will be out of proportion.
Look at the nose.
It's elongating now.
The nose is not the problem.
The nose you can fix.
- But this gigantic forehead.
- Ma, there's always bangs.
I'm just afraid she's not a very pretty girl.
- Mama, she's a baby.
- I just want her to be happy.
It's easier to be happy when you're pretty.
- You're right.
Bangs will help.
- Mm-hmm.
Zelda, don't clean in here.
It's fine just the way it is.
How did Joel's little show go? It went very well.
I still don't understand this whole thing.
Whom is he performing for? - Anyone who shows up.
- And they pay you? They pass around a basket at the end of your set, and whatever's in it you get to take home.
If you need money, we can give you money.
No, we don't need money.
Joel is funny, and he likes to do his comedy.
How long are you going to be doing this, running around at night, taking money from strangers like a schnorrer? As long as it's fun.
Six to nine more months left on those arms.
Really? I've been doing those exercises with the soup cans.
Forget the cans.
Buy a bolero.
How did you get in here? Zelda: I came through the other door.
Just because there is a door does not mean you use it.
A door does not represent infinite possibilities.
- Is everything ordered for next week? - Yes, all done.
- Ethan, put your coat on.
- You have a whole apartment to clean.
Just leave this room the way it is.
I thought we'd do dinner at your place.
- Your dining room's bigger than ours.
- Our dining room is fine.
If you don't entertain, it's fine.
I'll call you later.
Bye, Papa.
Clean the bathroom.
Clean the bathroom.
- Say goodbye, Ethan.
- You love bathrooms.
- Clean them again.
- Ethan.
E Never mind.
For fun it's the premium one She's going on and on about this miracle treatment she had done in Mexico.
It involved goat's milk and avocadoes.
Right ankle 8, left ankle 8.
They smear it on your face, wrap a hot towel around your head, and stick two straws up your nose.
Right calf 11, left calf 11.
So you can breathe through the straws.
Then they put you on a boat and row you out to sea Right thigh 18.
And they drop the anchor, and you sit there for four hours.
Left thigh 18 1/2.
- Then they row you back in - Hips 34.
- And they scrape you down - Waist 25.
slap you in the face with old banana skins - Bust 32.
- charge you $75, and send you home.
She thinks she looks 20.
I think she looks the same.
- Mm.
- God, you are so proportional.
How long have you been measuring yourself like this? Every day for ten years.
- Even when you were pregnant? - Mm.
There's not enough Daiquiris in the world.
Chicago, one of the great comedy - recording stars in the country - [door opens.]
Bob Newhart.
So let's hear it There you are.
Are you hungry? I made curry, and I ordered Chinese in case it's awful.
I'm sure it's fine.
- Did we have children? - They're upstairs.
- Hi, Imogene.
- Hey, Joel.
Did you hear we're coming downtown to see you tomorrow night? We haven't been below 14th in months.
- We're very excited.
- Don't except too much.
Oh, you'd better be great.
I'm going to wear a beret.
- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.
- Mwah.
Goodbye, Joel.
- Bye.
Ah, the curry's terrible.
We'll have the takeout.
Bob Newhart: You've seen one, you've seen them all.
Uh, listen, Abe, I got What's the problem? Y-you're thinking of shaving it off? [laughter.]
Uh, Abe, don't you see that's part of the image? Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat and the string tie.
You don't have the shawl? [laughter.]
- Uh, where's the shawl, Abe? - Joel? Joel.
You're not gonna believe this.
Bob Newhart is doing your act.
- What? - Bob Newhart.
He's on "Ed Sullivan.
" He's doing your act.
He must have come to the club one night and seen you perform, and now he's on television doing it just like you do.
Well, it's a little bit different because he does it faster, which is better, actually, but that's besides the point.
I'm mad.
Aren't you mad? Midge, relax.
You're not mad.
Or stunned.
Not even mildly bemused? It's his act.
What? Are you gonna put the rest of this on a platter? How is it his act? How do you know his act? I've got his record.
So you stole Bob Newhart's act.
It's fine.
Everybody does it.
- Everybody steals his act? - Yes.
Not steals.
It's no big deal.
It's not? When I found out June Freedman used my meatloaf recipe, I almost stabbed her in the eye with a fork.
- Everybody in comedy steals - Borrows.
borrows everybody else's jokes, especially at the beginning.
Bob Newhart probably used Henny Youngman's stuff when he started.
- It's how it's done.
- Oh.
- Well, if that's how it's done.
- It is.
I thought you'd written it that act.
I feel a little silly now.
Well, I did put my spin on it.
- Yes.
You slowed it down.
- And my inflection is different.
I'm new to this, so - You'll learn.
- I guess I will.
- You want a drink? - Sure.
Guess I'd better go apologize to June Freedman now.
[phone rings.]
- Hello.
- How's the brisket? - Is it okay? - Do you know something I don't? Just answer the question, Midge.
It's fine.
What's the matter? I had to work straight through lunch, so I couldn't go downtown to get a time for tonight.
- Tonight, you understand? - Tonight.
Yes, I understand.
Archie and Imogene are coming, remember? Of course I remember.
They're coming tonight, and I don't have a time.
You know what? Cancel them.
Tell them I'm sick.
They've got a babysitter.
It's all arranged.
I should have changed that lunch, damn it.
Joel, come on.
I promise you'll get on.
I'll bring the brisket.
I'll do my thing.
Everything will be fine, okay? - Okay.
- Hey.
Remember this whole comedy thing, it's supposed to be fun.
That's why we do it, right? Right.
Well, you'll have to bring me my show sweater.
I left it at home.
- I can do that.
- And you have to be here right at 8.
I will be on time.
I should go.
Your daddy is crazy.
Now let's measure that forehead.
Pull over here.
I'll just be a minute.
- Oh, geez.
- Where the hell have you been? - It's 8:30.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
Go, go.
- Do you have my sweater? - Yes.
You didn't have to stand out there.
- I would have come up.
- You get here at 8, you come up.
Are you kidding me? - What? - Holes.
- Holes everywhere.
- What? I can't believe you didn't look at it before you left the house.
I was in a hurry to meet you.
You can hardly see them.
Hardly see? Look, look.
A hole here, a hole here, two holes here.
I mean, how does this happen? It was probably a moth.
- A moth? - Yes.
What moth? Ted.
Ted the Moth.
Dime-sized holes, that's his signature.
- You think this is funny? - I think it doesn't matter.
Going on stage with holes in my shirt like a bum.
It's downtown.
If you have underwear on, you're overdressed.
Hey, why don't you talk about it? - About what? - About your sweater.
You know, joke about it in your act.
It'll be fun, personal, yours.
I don't know.
Oh, great.
They're here.
Okay, why don't you go join them, have a cup of coffee, calm down? I'll go deal with this, okay? - Yeah, fine.
- Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
Is Baz around? Nope.
Excuse me.
Um, do you see my husband Joel Maisel over there? Okay.
He couldn't get away from work to come down here earlier for a time to perform.
He's a comedian.
Anyhow, it was a crazy day at work, and, see, tonight our best friends are here - the Clearys, and - Wait a minute.
The Clearys are here? - You're kidding me.
Where? - Over there.
Well, I will be damned.
Well, that is exciting.
The Clearys are here.
Anyhow, I was wondering if you could find a way to give my husband a better time preferably before 11:30.
- Why isn't he over here? - What? Mr.
Saturday Night.
Why isn't he asking for the time? Why are you asking for the time? Well, I have the brisket.
So anything you can do would be great.
So thanks.
That looks like Allen Ginsberg.
Imogene, doesn't that look like Allen Ginsberg? Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg.
- Hey, there, kitten.
- Hi.
This place is perfectly filthy.
- You should see the bathroom.
- Don't go in the bathroom.
Well, now I'm definitely going in the bathroom.
[Archie, Midge laugh.]
- Oh.
- Archie: No, no.
I got this.
A starving artist never pays.
- I'm not a starving artist.
- Your sweater tells another story.
Here you go.
So? What did he say? Uh, he wasn't there, but the lady said she'd work it out.
[tuning up.]
Man: Now who here likes hillbilly polka? All right, next up, a lady fresh off some boat from somewhere.
When the hell am I going on? - I don't know.
- Janet Shaw.
Woman: All right.
This poem is about Spokane.
Spokane Spokane.
I'll be right back.
Rumble of lumber trucks.
- Where is she? - Who? The one who looks like she lives under a bridge.
She went out.
Do you know where? God, no.
Who would ask? Poet: Robbers of the indigenous.
- Any minute now.
- Spokane.
Kitten, we're going to have to take a rain check.
Oh, it was a blast, though.
Oh, no, wait wait just a few minutes.
We got to head home, too.
- We can't leave.
- I have an early morning meeting.
I say we just tell everybody it was Allen Ginsberg.
- You're up.
- [gasp.]
What? What did he say? - I think she said you're up.
- Imogene: Oh, goodie.
Emcee: Thank you, Janet Shaw.
Don't need to go to Spokane now.
All right, up next, we have a comedian.
That's you.
Be funny.
- Joel Maisel.
- Whoo! Whoo! Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
- So exciting.
- [giggling.]
So my sweater It's a new sweater, but I asked my wife to bring it to me because I work during the day, so she does, and I put it on.
Holes in my sweater.
So I asked, "How did this happen?" And she says "Moths.
" And I'm like, "Moths? What moths?" And she says "Ted.
" "Ted the Moth.
" [audience member coughing.]
He's very avant garde.
Th-that was just that was just something that, uh happened.
[door closes.]
So, uh, uh anyhow, this is, uh, a press agent talking to Abe Lincoln.
Hi, Abe, sweetheart.
How's Gettys Sorry.
Did did any of you read the book The Hidden Persuaders? It's about marketing agents, - and they had to create Abe Lincoln.
- [coughing.]
I mean, if they had to create Abe Lincoln.
The book's not about that.
Uh this this bit Anyhow Hi, Abe, sweetheart.
How's Gettysburg? Kind of a drag, huh? Well, Abe, you know them small Pennsylvania towns you seen one, you seem them all.
What's the problem? You're thinking of shaving it off? [toilet flushes.]
Uh, Abe, don't you see? That's, uh that doesn't go with the string tie and b Don't you see that's part of the image? Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat and the string tie.
You told me to talk about my sweater.
I know.
I just thought you'd put it into some sort of joke form or something.
Can I get you anything? What are you doing? I have to go.
I have to leave.
I have to leave you.
That's my suitcase.
It is? You going to leave me with my suitcase? Joel, tomorrow's Yom Kippur.
I'm I'm I'm not happy.
Nobody's happy.
It's Yom Kippur.
I don't know how to do this.
I'm not good at things like this.
Things like what? Like leaving me? - Yes.
- So don't.
Practice a little.
Try it again when you feel more confident about the moves.
- Midge - Joel, the rabbi is coming.
I know he is.
Five years we've been trying to get the rabbi, and this year we got him.
We got the rabbi.
- I should go.
- No.
I don't understand.
I thought my life was going to be something different.
I thought I was going to be someone different, but tonight was just so terrible.
I mean, a whole room full of people just watching me bomb.
- It was one stupid night.
- And I'm up there dying, and I'm thinking about last week.
We're in temple, and the rabbi tells that stupid Sodom and Gomorrah joke, and suddenly the whole synagogue goes nuts.
- So? - He got more laughs in five minutes than I did in five months.
You're jealous of the rabbi? He was in Buchenwald.
Throw him a bone.
Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, and, uh, and you suddenly realize you're not? Yes.
- That's good.
You're good.
- Joel, please.
I'm never going to be a professional comedian, Midge.
- Never.
- No, of course not.
What do you mean, of course not? What do you mean, what do I mean? What did you think all those nights at the club were? I thought they were fun.
I thought they were our fun couples thing, like how the Morgensterns play golf or how the Meyers ballroom dance or how the Levins pretend they're from Warsaw once a week to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant - that does Kielbasa Night.
- I can't believe this.
I never knew you were serious about it.
Of course I was serious, Miriam.
What the hell ever made you think I wasn't serious? Well, for starters, you were doing someone else's act.
I told you, everybody does that when they start.
If you wanted to be a comedian, you should have at least written a joke.
I tried with the Ted thing.
- I wrote the Ted thing.
- And it bombed.
- Because you killed it.
- Oh, forget it.
Joel, come on.
You have a job.
Yet the comedy was a dream.
Do you know what a dream is? A dream is what keeps you going in a job you hate.
Since when do you hate your job? Do you know what I do, Midge? - You're the vice president of - No, no, no, no.
Do you know what I do every day? Day in and day out, what the actual physical machinations of my job are? - No.
- Neither do I! I take meetings.
I take phone calls.
I shuffle paper around, and I have no idea of what the hell I actually do.
Maybe if you did, you'd like it more.
I just thought, with the brisket and the notebook, I thought you understood.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
But, Joel, you can't just leave.
I love you.
We have a home.
We have children.
- They're going to notice.
- I have to go.
No, no, no.
I will be better.
I will do better.
I I'll I'll pay more attention.
You can quit your job.
We can go to the club every single night, and I'll buy more notebooks.
I've been having an affair.
It's been going on for months.
- I thought it was a phase, but now - Who? Penny.
Your secretary.
You're leaving me for a girl who can't figure out how to sharpen pencils? It's not about her, and it was a new sharpener.
It was electric.
All she had to do was push.
Don't you understand? I need to start over.
- With her? She wins? - It's not a contest.
I just don't want this life, this whole upper West Side, classic six, best seats in temple.
Wife, two kids.
I just don't want it.
So you'll tell your parents for me? Oh, that might be the funniest thing you've ever said.
- Honey - Tomorrow is Yom Kippur.
I have 30 people and a rabbi coming over for break fast, and this is the moment you decide to tell me you're going to ride off into the sunset with your half-wit secretary.
Can I just say that you have the worst timing ever? I'm sorry.
Go on.
Get out.
Grab some pens on your way out.
You're going to need them.
[Woman singing in French.]
Jerry: Good evening, Mr.
Going on a trip? Papa.
Papa, wait.
I I just - Rose! - I'm here.
My God.
What are you wearing? It's not thinning.
I have something to tell you.
You should both sit.
Joel left.
He packed up my suitcase, and he left.
He's gone.
Joel left you? Yes.
Why? What did you do? Nothing.
I didn't do anything.
He's he's in love with his secretary.
Did you know this? Did you know he was having an affair? - Of course I didn't know.
- [loud clatter.]
- God.
- The girl, is she Oh, my God.
Is she pregnant? - [loud clatter.]
- Shit.
Did you talk like that around him? - Did you use sailor talk? - No, I didn't use sailor talk.
She must've been pregnant.
A man doesn't leave unless the girlfriend is pregnant.
What the hell is he doing in there? - He's mad.
- At me? - Shh.
They'll hear.
- Who'll hear? - Them.
- Who is them? - [sobbing.]
- Oh, God, Mama.
- [piano playing.]
- Papa.
Why are you mad? I didn't do anything wrong.
When I agreed to send you to that fancy goyische college, what was the one thing I told you? They'll have terrible deli? - The important thing I told you.
- That was about deli, too.
The other important thing I told you! Don't pick a weak man.
- Ah.
- [Rose sobbing.]
This isn't my fault! Of course it's your fault.
Rose: Oh, shit! Mama, please stop crying.
Everything we bring on ourselves is our own fault.
He was a good husband.
He was a good provider.
What are you going to do now? What are your children going to do? - [sobbing continues.]
- Mama, for the love of God, please stop crying in that bedroom! This isn't fair.
Oh, no! Much better.
Life isn't fair.
It's hard and cruel.
You have to pick your friends as if there's a war going on.
You want a husband who'll take a bullet for you, not one who points to the attic and says "They're up there.
" How can you say that about Joel? - You liked him.
- I knew what he was.
Why didn't you tell me, then? - I did tell you! - When did you tell me? When you first came home with him.
That night.
I looked at you.
I asked, "Is this the choice?" And you said yes.
That was telling me? I have to spell it out for you? Joel's sick.
Everything's fine.
Not a word of this to the rabbi.
I'm going to take a bath.
You listen to me, Miriam.
You are a child.
You cannot survive this.
Now, I am no fan of Joel's, but you need a husband.
And those children need a father.
What am I supposed to do, go buy one at Zaybar's? You fix your face.
Put on his favorite dress.
Then you go out, find him, and make him come back home.
[thunder rumbles.]
Maisel, you all right? - Do you need a cab? - Nope.
Gonna take the subway.
It's miserable out here.
It's miserable in there, too.
Man: See, the eternal war is here.
O victory, forget your underwear.
We're free.
I'm with I left my Pyrex here.
I'd like it back.
- Your what? - Pyrex.
My Pyrex.
- Nope.
- It's a Pyrex.
- Yeah, you keep saying that.
- Pyrex.
It's a glass baking dish, very durable.
It can go from hot to cold without cracking.
- We don't serve food here.
- I know.
It's not yours.
It's mine.
I brought it here.
- Why? - I made a brisket f Is that really important right now? My dish is here.
I'd like it back.
Can you make that happen? - [sigh.]
This place gets so weird late.
- [applause.]
Emcee: That was deep, Christian, I think.
Who knows? Okay, next up.
Uh folks, just sit tight.
I'll be right back.
Bonnie, where's my set list? [chatter.]
So this is it, huh? This is the dream standing up here on this filthy, sticky stage all alone.
Couldn't have that, you didn't want me.
Was that it, Joel? Woman: Who's Joel? What? Who's Joel? - My husband.
- Man: we can't hear you.
- Woman: Oh.
Shh, shh, shh.
- Sorry.
Joel is my husband of four years, - and tonight he left.
- Man: Whoo! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
He left Joel.
He packed up my suitcase and left.
Oh, I'm going to have to lie to the rabbi about why Joel's not there.
Lying to the rabbi on Yom Kippur.
I couldn't get a clean slate for one fucking day.
I don't understand what's going on.
Me, either, sister, me, either.
There are so many questions spinning around in my head.
Why did he leave? Why wasn't I enough? And why didn't they put the stage over there against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom so you wouldn't have to listen to every giant bowel movement - that takes place in there? - [laughter.]
Oh, yeah.
Clear as a bell.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little drunk.
- It's all gone.
- [toilet flushes.]
Everything I've counted on is gone.
You feeling better now? [laughter.]
So my life completely fell apart today.
Did I mention that my husband left me? - Man: Whoo-hoo! - [laughter.]
All right.
But did I mention that he left me for his secretary? [wolf whistles.]
She's 21 and dumb as a Brillo pad.
And I'm not naive.
I know that men like stupid girls.
- Right? - Uh But I thought Joel wanted more than stupid.
I thought he wanted spontaneity and wit.
I thought he wanted to be challenged.
- You know what I mean? - Uh You two are going to be together forever.
I'll tell you this much.
I was a great wife.
I was fun.
I planned theme nights.
I dressed in costumes.
I gave him kids a boy and a girl.
And yes, our little girl is looking more and more like Winston Churchill every day, you know, with that big Yalta head.
But that's not a reason to leave, right? Really? Really? After what I just said about the bathroom? [laughter.]
Walk of shame.
Walk of shame! I loved him.
And I showed him I loved him.
- Whoo! - [whistles.]
All that shit they say about Jewish girls in the bedroom? Not true.
There are French whores standing around the Marais District saying [French accent.]
"Did you hear what Midge did to Joel's balls the other night?" [laughter.]
I can't believe this is happening.
I can't believe I'm losing him to Penny Pan.
That's her name.
Terrible, right? Penny Pan.
Penny Pan.
Penny Pan.
And I'm officially losing my mind, which is perfect.
Now I will be alone and crazy, the famous mad divorcée of the upper West Side.
Upper West Side? Really? Where? 72nd and Amsterdam.
That place on the corner with the courtyard? - That's the one.
- Oh, that's nice.
We looked there.
But the closets were so small, and I wanted a powder room.
Do you know I've seen her twice with her shirt on inside out? Penny.
Once, fine.
You were rushed in the morning.
Twice, you can only be trusted to butter people's corn at the county fair.
And here's the worst thing.
And I know this is shallow and petty and small, but she's not even that pretty.
Man: Huh.
Her ankles and her calves are the same width.
And I'm sorry, but look at me.
I am the same size now that I was at my wedding.
And come on, who wouldn't want to come home to this every night? Okay.
All right.
Maybe today's not the best day to judge.
I've been crying, and my face is all puffy, and just just Ignore my head.
Now, from here down, who wouldn't want to come home to this? Actually, I'm a little bloated right now.
I drank a lot of wine, and my stomach is sort of Oh, can can I borrow that? Thank you.
Ignore this, ignore this.
But imagine coming home to these every night.
Whoo! Yeah.
Yeah, they're pretty good, right? Plus they're standing up on their own.
- Shit.
- Seriously, there's no fucking way that Penny Pan can compete with these tits! So what if you're never going to be a stand-up comedian.
Look at what greets you at the door.
- Shit.
- Get down from there right now.
You think Bob Newhart's got a set of these at home? Rickles, maybe.
- [audience shouts.]
- Aah! Hey! Let's go.
[audience cheering.]
- Hey, fuck Penny Pan! - Bravo! This is not what you think.
She's a housewife.
She doesn't know the rules.
Yeah, yeah.
We can discuss it at the station.
- Station? What station? - Come on.
Let's go! Come back next week! I don't understand what's going on.
You're under arrest.
- What? Why? - Public indecency and performing without a cabaret license.
You need a license to do that? Seriously? Yeah, yeah.
You can bitch all about it to your friend in the back seat there.
- Go ahead.
- Get in there.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey.
Here you go.
Thanks, Judy.
You bailed me out? My good deed for the year.
You get chick raped? I don't think so.
- Here.
- It's still night out.
I feel different.
You were in there for 20 minutes.
20 minutes can change you.
- Not really.
- I'm a con now.
- Not quite.
- I've got a rap sheet.
- No, you don't.
- I'm hard.
I'm a hard, used woman.
Is my hair gray? - No, it's not.
- It feels gray.
- Jesus Christ.
- I had it all.
I had everything I'd always wanted, and now it's all falling apart.
Come on.
Connie Francis: Who's sorry now? Mikey.
Whose heart Look at all the people.
They look so happy.
Are they high? Yes, they are.
Must be nice.
Oh, God, I'm so tired.
I don't think I've ever been so tired.
Have some nuts.
Do you notice I'm not wearing my own shoes? I'm not.
Don't know what happened, either.
Now I'm just a single, gray-haired ex-con drinking hooch and eating old nuts in someone else's shoes.
Listen, if you're still upset about your husband, don't be.
The guy was a fraud and a loser.
You don't know him.
I know he was doing Bob Newhart's act.
Everybody steals, right? You didn't.
I didn't what? House party tonight.
You didn't steal.
Your shit was totally original.
Don't get me wrong.
It was rough, but I'm telling you, there is definitely something there.
I'm thinking maybe we can meet somewhere, bigger club, if I could just get Baz to die.
- What are you talking about? - About your act.
I don't have an act.
You will when we're done.
I don't understand.
You should do standup, and I can help you.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm serious.
- I am a mother.
- Great.
We'll use that.
One of your kids do something weird? Tonight was an isolated incident.
There are medications I can take to make sure that never happens again.
Look, 15 years I've been working in clubs, okay? 15 years watching every kind of loser get up there thinking he's Jack Benny.
Twice have I seen someone deliver the goods.
First time, guy walks in West Coast, suntanned, arrogant pain in the ass.
Three words into his act, I fucking knew it.
I turned to Baz, and I said, "That guy's gonna be famous.
" - Who was he? - Mort Sahl.
Oh, he's good.
We saw him at Grossinger's last year.
Yeah, well, the second time was tonight.
Stop it.
I know I'm right about this, just like I know that unless I somehow get rich enough to hire some German broad to walk me around the park twice a day in my old age, I'm gonna spend my entire life alone.
That's not true.
It's fine.
I don't mind being alone.
I just do not want to be insignificant.
Do you? Don't you want to do something no one else can do? Be remembered as something other than a mother or a housewife or member of the Communist Party? When did I become a member of the Communist Party? The minute you took that flyer.
What? Shit.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's Yom Kippur.
I'm supposed to be fasting, atoning for my sins in the eyes of God.
- So? - So I'm eating peanuts.
You showed your tits to half of Greenwich Village.
You think the fucking nuts are what's going to piss Him off? - I have to go.
- Hey, come on.
Thank you for my coat.
I paid full price at Saks.
Come back! Miriam! 385 Riverside Drive.
Do I have money? I do not have money.
I ain't got all day, lady.
[military drum beat.]
"One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant.
" Peggy Lee: I got me ten fine toes To wiggle in the sand Lots of idle fingers snap to my command A lovely pair of heels that kick to beat the band Contemplatin' nature can be fascinatin' Add to these Hey, don't you see? That's part of the image.
Yeah, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat and the the string top? - To tell the whole darn world - You don't have the shawl? - If you don't happen to like it - Where's the shawl, Abe? - Deal me out, thank you kindly - You left it in Washington? - Pass me by - What are you wearing now? - Pass me by - A sort of cardigan? Pass me by If you don't happen to like it, pass me by [chatter.]
[no audible dialogue.]
I'll tell the whole darn world If you don't happen to like it Deal me out, thank you kindly Pass me by Pass me by Pass me by If you don't happen to like it, pass me by [knock on door.]
I went by the Gaslight, and they told me to come here.
Is this your apartment? Yeah.
Uh, I'll be by tomorrow at 10.
You don't have a very long lease, do you? Because you should move.
Hey, did you say 10? In the morning? - Hey! - I got me ten fine toes To wiggle in the sand Lots of idle fingers snap to my command A lovely pair of heels That kick to beat the band Contemplatin' nature can be fascinatin' Add to these a nose that I can thumb You guys ever gonna tale a broom to this place? We've already got penicillin.
You don't need to grow it.
Just take your things and leave, Bruce.
I had three joints in my wallet.
I expect to find them all there.
If you guys have some coke back there, we could have a hell of a party.
You're not my wife.
I thought my wife bailed me out.
- No.
I did.
- Uh-huh.
- Can I ask you a question? - Uh, sure.
Do you love it? Do I love what? Comedy.
Do you love it? Seriously? Well, I've been doing it a while.
Okay, let's put it like this.
If there was anything else in the entire world that I could possibly do to earn a living, I would.
I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan, crippled kid portrait painter, slaughterhouse attendant.
If someone said to me, "Leonard, you can either eat a guy's head "or do two weeks at the Copa," I'd say "Pass the fucking salt.
" It's a terrible, terrible job.
It should not exist, like cancer and God.
I went to the Varick station instead.
Why the hell would you do that? Because you like Varick better.
Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick.
But do you love it? Yeah.
He loves it.
There are some things You can't cover up In lipstick and powder Thought I heard you mention my name Can't you talk any louder? Don't come any closer, don't come any nearer My vision of you Can't come any clearer Oh, I Girls talk I just want to hear Girls talk And they say it's not allowed Girls talk If they say that it's so Don't they think that I know by now? Got the word up on everyone's lipstick That you're getting faded You may not be an old-fashioned girl But you're gonna get dated Was it really murder? Were you just pretending? Lately I have heard You are the living end Girls talk And they want to know how Girls talk And they say it's not allowed Girls talk And they say it's not allowed Girls talk And they think they know how Girls talk Girls talk Girls talk Girls talk Girls talk Girls talk Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Girls talk Yeah, yeah, yeah
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