The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s01e05 Episode Script


1 I adore being dressed in something frilly When my date comes to get me at my place Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy Like a filly who is ready at the race When I have a brand-new hairdo With my eyelashes all in curls I float as the clouds on air do I enjoy being a girl When men say I'm cute - Good morning, ladies.
- Eighth floor, please.
- Third floor, please.
- Fifth for me.
Thank you, ladies.
- You make it look easy.
- Ma'am? Operating the elevator, like it's second nature.
Yes, ma'am.
Although I'm sure it's way more complicated than it looks, - a testament to your skill.
- Third floor.
I drool over dresses made of lace I talk on the telephone Good job.
So, how do you like working for B.
Altman? Well, I've been here for 16 years.
A ringing endorsement.
How many times a day do you think that you open this Fifth floor.
Ooh, that's me.
Smooth as silk.
Thank you, Darren.
Love the outfit.
Who'll enjoy being a guy Having a girl Like Good to see you again, Frank.
Take care.
Beautiful printing.
I've got a pretty mean cursive, too.
Brearley and Bryn Mawr, I have no doubt.
So, you're prepping for Christmas? The display department always likes to get a nice jump.
Never too early to scout for Santas.
Lots of jolly choices out there.
Oh, we screen them fresh every year.
Make sure they're still plump, still personable, still sober.
So much to think about.
So, you majored in Russian Literature.
With a minor in Education.
For a split second, I thought about being a grammar school teacher.
- What happened? - I met some grammar school kids.
(MIDGE CHUCKLES) No, seriously, I married straight out of college and had children of my own.
Two, actually.
Started my own grammar school, if you will.
And you're here for our elevator operator position? Yes, sir.
We usually hire men for that job.
The ad didn't say.
I just think that our lady shoppers - prefer men in the position.
- I get that.
Not a lot of practical work experience on your résumé, either.
But lots of volunteer work.
It's all listed there.
I was a candy striper.
And in high school, I helped raise money to start a gymnastics program, the Zion Orphanage in Jerusalem.
- Raised $700.
- Impressive.
Lots of little Jews tumbling around because of me.
Maisel, you are a very delightful woman, but I'm not sure that being an elevator operator is the right fit for you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, but I-I have such a passion for it.
I grew up with one in my building, my sweet Jerry, So, in a way, I feel as if my whole life - has been leading up to this.
- Your whole life? And I really hit it off with Darren on the way up.
Lots of informative shoptalk.
Darren is very personable.
And the uniform.
Picture me in that hat and the coat with a tapered waist.
I mean, come on.
Thank you for coming in.
Les Tarlow.
Come on in.
LES: Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas! WOMAN: I just go through periods where nothing looks good.
WOMAN 2: Well, that's not true and you know it.
WOMAN 1: I guess I can just stick with red.
Can't go too wrong there.
WOMAN 2: Well, you could try a dark pink lipstick, too.
That might work better with the pink you picked for your rouge.
Oh, please.
I just worked up the courage to wear red in a vain attempt to look like Leslie Caron in Gigi.
- Oh.
- Red works great with pink.
Pardon me? And it's terrific with your complexion.
You have some natural rosiness.
Just be sure to pick a tone that doesn't augment that too much.
- Keep it subtle.
- I like subtle.
That's Raven Red.
Try Cherries in the Snow.
That'll get you close to Caron.
Oh, I like that.
- (LAUGHING): A lot.
- I do, too.
You're a dream.
Both of you.
Thank you.
Give me three of these.
I'll meet you down at the register, Mrs.
What is your name? Midge Maisel.
Mary Petrusca.
You should get my commission.
- No.
- Really.
How about the makeup counter? - Good morning, Mr.
- Good morning, Zelda.
Listen, I have a faculty meeting this morning, and Zed Lieberman will drone on and on again, repetitiously, unendingly.
- Do you understand? - Zed Lieberman is boring.
So I need a copious amount of coffee to keep me awake.
- In a thermos? - A thermos? No, not a thermos.
Zelda, right now, just a big, strong cup.
Yes, Mr.
Morning, Mama.
Morning, Papa.
- Aha.
- Mwah.
Morning, Zelda.
Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Would you like some coffee? I'll just grab some on the street.
Can you watch the kids today? I'm home by 5:00.
Of course.
Where are you off to in such a rush? I'm going to work.
What? I got a job.
Why? I need money.
My own money, with no strings.
- Strings? - Part-time for now, but I'll have an employee review in one month, and if they like my performance, I will be a full-time makeup counter girl at B.
(DOOR CLOSES) - You got a job? - Yes.
- You have no résumé.
- They hired me anyway.
- Do you know how to type? - I don't need to.
I told you to study something practical in college.
I remember that.
-Russian literature was not that thing.
I know.
- And it's five days a week? - Yes.
If it rains, you still have to go in.
I figured.
- And you know how to get there? - By multiple routes.
- And they're paying you? - Yes.
- In money? - Yes.
- By check? - Every two weeks.
- You'll need a bank account.
- I have a bank account.
- Checking and savings? - Yep.
Your mother can't watch the kids every day.
Fulber will watch them when she can't.
- Mrs.
Fulber? - Yep.
The one that used to babysit you? The one and the same.
She's still alive? I think so.
I'll be damned.
- Zelda, I'll need my coffee - Your thermos, Mr.
Thank you.
It isn't enough to hope It isn't enough to dream It isn't enough to plot and plan and scheme It isn't enough to stand here Saying that life is grand here Waiting for something - Good morning, Jerry.
- Good morning, Mrs.
It isn't enough to sit here Having a purple fit here Worried to death the world will burn up Guess where I'm going, Jerry.
It isn't enough Doctor? Nope.
I'm going to work.
- Work? - (CHUCKLES) I've got a better scheme Why not wish upon a wishbone Pick a four-leaf clover Rub a rabbit's foot And throw a horseshoe over Your lucky shoulder Ladies' break room? Right in there.
A bit of luck will come your way Now, isn't that enough To make your day? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Really? You're one of us now? Makeup department.
First day.
Mary, right? - I'm Midge.
- I remember.
- Mm.
- Grab any empty locker.
- I'm in love.
- Who now? The new guy in men's hosiery.
- What hap - He looks like William Holden.
What happened to Montgomery Clift in shoes? I'm off him.
-She just broke up with Ernest Borgnine last week.
I'm done with loading dock guys.
I'm Vivian.
This your first day? Midge.
First day.
Do you like the movies? I go every night.
I do like the movies.
Be my friend.
I need people to go with.
- I'll be your friend.
- You bring a lock? - For what? - Thieves run rampant.
Someone stole my lunch last week.
Just an egg salad sandwich, but I got really mad.
- Then I need to get a lock.
- Put your stuff in mine today.
Thanks, Mary.
That's smart.
- We are on our feet all day.
- You'll learn.
Doors open in five minutes, girls! - Mrs.
- Our mother hen.
Come on.
Remember, Midge: always be on time always be polite always be pretty and don't forget to punch.
So, there are a couple of jerks to steer clear of.
- Van Heflin in housewares.
- She's not gonna know who they are if you keep using movie star names.
The boys in toys.
Super grabby.
Camera department They'll make you shudder.
- That's funny.
- That was my joke.
Tell her that was my joke.
Another compadre, Harriet Owens.
She services our dark-complexioned clientele.
She is one of us.
Midge Maisel.
- Nice to meet you.
- Harriet's a model.
- HARRIET: Aspiring.
- Neat.
Runway? Not with this skin.
She's been in Ebony magazine a million times, looking like Lena Horne.
Eight times.
And looking to expand.
(XYLOPHONE NOTES PLAY) Doors are opening! That's probably what she says before having sex.
- The new girl? - Yes, ma'am.
Learn the store.
Ah, I will.
Agnes Moorehead.
How did I miss that? I'll give you a map to learn the store.
It's a snap.
My husband loved Agnes Moorehead.
- Loved? Dead? - Sad.
No, he left me.
We're separated.
- Separated? - Like Liz Taylor! Sad.
And I've got two kids; oldest is almost four.
- And you work.
- Sad.
You ready to do this? Good a time as any.
My name is Miriam.
How can I help you today? Men's shoes Fourth floor, southeast side.
Hi-fi systems Eighth floor left of the elevators.
Okay, it's hi-fi systems right of the elevators.
Cookware fifth floor.
Maternity third floor.
- ROSE: Miriam? - Gonna bring flats tomorrow.
Hi, baby.
Mwah! - That's the key.
- For what? - For what? For work.
- You work? Yes, Mama, you knew that.
- I told you this morning.
- Oh, that's right.
I'm going out with some friends tonight.
Fulber can take the kids.
- I'll get them when I come home.
- That sounds fine.
- Something wrong? - What would be wrong? I got you something.
You never have to get me anything.
I wanted to get you something.
MAN (ON TV): Oh, it must be around here.
Couldn't walk far.
BOY: I did, too.
(TV PROGRAM CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) What is that? It's lipstick.
I thought you'd like it.
Where did you get it? -My job.
At the makeup counter.
At work.
Oh, yes, that.
It went well, my first day.
ROSE: Hmm.
It's a brand new color.
It's not officially released till the end of the week.
So I'm a guinea pig.
You're the first woman in New York to have it.
And it's pretty, and I thought of you.
Yeah, you don't like what I wear now.
No, I like it a lot.
I think it looks nice.
- So do I.
- (INHALES) This smells funny.
But thank you.
(QUIETLY): You are very welcome.
(GRUNTS) (EXHALES) Did you hear what they did at the WPA? When the banks went belly up, and the jobs all went away They reinvested in America They put the poor to work at honest pay They built dams and roads and bridges Things that we still use today Did you hear what they did at the WPA? When speculators drove the market into New York Bay They gave a corps of citizens a place to go With a chance to make some hay -Hey.
Nice crowd.
Take a gander.
My business cards.
Got them up to a nice round 30.
- Let me see.
- Hey, are your hands clean? - Yeah.
- I don't want smudges.
You smudged it.
Now I got a nice round 29.
Well, these are gonna be obsolete soon, anyway.
- Do you want to know why? - Yes.
Why? I'm getting a phone.
Don't lie to me.
No shit, I'm getting a phone.
Welcome to the 20th century.
Then, I'll put my phone number on the card.
My-my typewriter's missing its three, eight, nine, so I just got to be sure the number doesn't have - a three, eight or a nine in it.
- Seems doable.
It's gonna have an answering service.
And some chatty broad's gonna know all my shit.
It's gonna cost me a fortune, but it'll be worth it.
Uh "Susie Myerson's office.
" "Yes, may I speak with Susie Myerson, please?" "It-It's about some very important, show-related business.
" "Uh, she's not in at the moment, so go fuck yourself.
" You might want to soften that a little.
Yeah, but pretty cool, huh? "Susie Myerson's office.
" "Susie Myerson and Associates.
" - What? - Thinking big, right? Yeah.
I'm thinking big.
All right, thank you, Ethan Carter and his combo! Well, that was almost palatable.
Now, get your stuff off and we'll bring on the next act.
It's gonna be a comedian.
So hang tight, everybody, and get ready to laugh.
You good to go? Oh, God, yeah.
Started my new job today.
It was crazy.
So many stories.
I hung out with these young girls, cute as buttons.
And the customers, they were hysterical.
You want to run it by me? A little, uh, practice run? Oh, no.
I don't want to get stale.
So, "Miriam," right? Yes, but I'll be using a nom de plume.
- A nom de what? - Nom de plume.
- Sounds like a sex toy.
- Yeah, like it goes up - your ass or something.
- It's a fake name.
I-I don't want to use my real name.
Fine, then give me your fake name.
Well, now I can't think of one.
Eh, F-Fanny, I guess.
And the last name? Brice.
- "Fanny Brice"? - That's taken.
Then Fanny Jones.
Uh Fanny Jone that is a terrible name.
Yeah, like you put zero thought into it.
Jackie, please, just make up a last name for me.
- I'll come up with a permanent one.
- Okay.
OKAY, I REPEAT: I like your real name.
I don't want to use my real name.
Hey, your call.
JACKIE: All right, give it up for a very funny lady, whose name you're gonna want to remember.
Fanny Midge.
- (APPLAUSE) - Come here.
Thank you, everybody.
That's very nice of you, seeing as how I haven't done anything yet.
I started work today.
A new job.
And it was crazy.
Super crazy.
I'm-I'm a makeup counter girl at B.
Who here's been to B.
Altman? No one? Really? Or is-is there one person? I c This spotlight is so bright, I can't see a thing.
Eh, co Maybe, just (CHAIR SCRAPES ON FLOOR) Well, B.
Altman is a department store.
But I think my favorite thing I did today And this is gonna sound weird Was punching in on the time clar "Time Clark.
" What is wrong with my mouth? - (SOFT LAUGHTER) - "Time clock.
" Punching in was just kind of a real powerful feeling, you know? You know, the-the feel of it.
The sound of it.
M-My interview for the job was another thing.
They were already getting ready for Christmas.
It's not even Halloween yet, and I'm sitting in a hallway with a couple of dozen fat fucking Santas.
(LAUGHTER) -Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Picture that.
Me, and a line of big, fat fucking Santas, and you know, some of these guys are fucking fat, and (GULPING SOUND) They drink.
They are tipplers.
That's what Mr.
Stanyon told me.
"Keep them sober.
" That-that's actually not Mr.
Stanyon's voice, that's Mrs.
"Doors are opening.
" That's what she says when she's about to have sex.
(MAN COUGHING) (MICROPHONE DISTORTION) Lots of really pretty fun girls at work, too.
Uh, Mary, she's sweet.
Vivian, kind of boy crazy, with her Van Heflins and William Holdens and All right.
You win.
Uh, and then, there's Harriet.
She's our Negro clerk.
And beautiful, like, God, this woman is beautiful.
She's-she's Lena Horne, she helps our Negro customers.
Because she's a Negro.
What? Harriet's a Negro.
Where's this going? It-it's not going anywhere.
- Obviously.
- (LAUGHTER) This-this spotlight is really fucking bright.
C-Can you dim that? I mean, really, really, it's bright as shit.
Okay, well, now the audience can't see me at all.
- Doesn't matter.
So he's funny.
Him you laugh at.
All right.
Okay, just-just getting the lay of the land here.
You want to come up? Oh.
Yeah, didn't think so.
Really? You're not-you're not gonna turn the spotlight back on? Can't find the switch? My underwear suddenly feels very tight.
Uh, thanks, everybody.
It's been delightful.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You still got more time.
Well, give my time to someone else.
This isn't fucking Congress.
Get back up there.
And fix the fucking mic, it won't come off the stand.
Sorry about that, everyone.
Uh, we're gonna take a little break to clear the stink.
(LAUGHTER) And we'll be back in 20.
What is wrong with these people? Absolutely nothing is wrong with these people.
Nothing? They're unconscious.
They're lying in state.
And who is heckling me? There was another comic up there an hour ago.
He killed.
Same audience.
Uh-uh, no way.
You stunk tonight, lady.
That's all it was.
No, Susie, this fucking audience could hardly lift their heads - up off the table long enough - The audience was fine.
You bombed.
You took out Antwerp.
- I bombed? - People were asking for directions to a fallout shelter.
You bombed.
- But I'm funny.
- Everybody bombs.
But I've seen Rickles five times.
He's never bombed.
The guys go on Jack Paar, they never bomb.
Yeah, that's 'cause they've spent years bombing and honing their act so you don't have to see them bomb.
- They've bombed, believe me.
- Well, I'm not gonna bomb again.
No, you're gonna bomb again and again and again and again.
Why would anyone do this if they're just gonna bomb again and again and again? Because it's part of the process.
Yeah, well, it's not part of my process.
I've only done this drunk or stoned.
What-what if that's the only reason I was funny? Like, I can't get loaded every time I come on stage.
You never met a comic? All right, here.
Go smoke a cigarette.
No, I'm not gonna go smoke a cigarette.
I feel devastated.
I've never felt this devastated.
You mean, besides when your husband left you.
- Give me a cigarette.
- Next time, prepare a little.
Spontaneity works until it doesn't work.
Then you're stuck.
All right.
- Fuck.
- So we went to this cabdriver, and, uh, I don't want you to think we're like that, you know, but you must remember what men are like in war, it's that kind of a show tonight.
So we went to this cabdriver, and we said to him, "Where's the action?" This kind of masculine, sort of (LAUGHTER) So, so he took us to this place where they fish illegally.
- See, now you're not supposed - (LAUGHTER) JOEL AND ARCHIE: Be prepared And be careful not to do your good deeds When there's no one watching you If you're looking for adventure Of a new and different kind And you come across a Girl Scout Who is similarly inclined Don't be nervous, don't be flustered don't be scared Be prepared! (LAUGHS) ARCHIE: Mm.
That is the most beautiful song ever written.
Who wrote that song? Franz fucking Schubert! Ah, did he now? -Guys, guys, you're not in your homes.
- Sorry, Sal.
- Sally.
Sally, Sally.
We were conquerors today.
- Conquerors! - Veni, vidi, vici! - That's Latin.
- Is that so? Sal, Sal, we sold plastic stuff to people that don't actually need plastic stuff.
See-see, that's what salesmanship is, Sally.
-Selling things to people that they don't want.
- It's kind of our calling.
- Two more.
- Then you go home.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Sally's.
- We're not going home.
- I got to go home.
- Then we'll go home.
I think we just wrote Samuel Beckett's next play.
It's not that hard.
Joel, it's for you.
I love that people know how to reach you here.
It's so urban.
(CHUCKLES) Hello? Hey, Pen.
Yeah, a certain young man did send you some flowers.
Guess he forgot to include a card.
(COIN CLATTERING) - Good, good, I'm glad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, stay up.
- All right, bye.
- And the trash No.
No, Sal.
Who put this song on? - It offends my sensibilities.
- I don't pick the music.
Yeah, but you can pull the plug.
This song isn't bad.
Penny likes this song.
Penny's young.
Penny will learn.
She's meeting the parents this week.
(LAUGHING): Oh! Big stuff.
She's pretty nervous.
She doesn't have anything to be nervous about.
She's a sweet girl.
Penny's great.
Yeah? -Yeah.
Buddy, everyone loves Penny.
And she's all excited about seeing The Music Man next week.
Oh, man, we've been dying to see that show.
Especially Imogene.
How'd you get tickets? I got friends in high places.
You're the man.
You know, I scored four seats, so I don't know, if you and Imogene want to tag along? Are you kidding? Imogene would cancel surgery to see that show.
Yes, we will go.
You want to know what night? You may have plans.
Whatever's planned is canceled.
We're going.
- Great! - God, I can't wait to tell her.
And Penny will be excited, too.
(CHUCKLES) ("BRAHMS LULLABY" PLAYING ON MUSIC BOX) I wonder why nobody don't like me Or is it the fact that I'm ugly? I wonder why nobody don't like me Or is it the fact that I'm ugly? Excuse me, I'm looking for a man with a rose in his lapel.
Isn't that fun? Don't want me no more Bad talk inside the house they bring And when I talk, they start to sing Excuse me.
Herb Smith? That depends.
Are you with the government? No.
Then I'm Herb Smith.
I joke.
- Midge Maisel, I presume.
- You said, "Find the man with the rose in his lapel.
" And you did.
Welcome to my office.
Mama, look at boo boo, they Shut your mouth, go away Mama, look at boo boo, they Ever been to the Stage Deli? Many moons ago.
I'm a little more Barney Greengrass.
- You hungry? - I could eat.
Waitress? Yep? -Verla, how much do you love your Herb? With every bone in my body.
Bring us, uh, a half pastrami on rye and a half chopped liver on challah, a stuffed cabbage, some kasha varnishkes, - and a bit of arugula.
- You got it.
I know what you're thinking.
"He's extremely Jewish.
" And extremely hungry.
(CHUCKLES) Guilty on all counts.
So, tell me why you called.
I'm looking to hone an act.
As what? A stand-up act.
A comedienne.
- I told you that, didn't I? - You did.
But I didn't know if you were kidding.
Because you're a comedienne.
(CHUCKLES) Anyhow, I've helped tons of comics shape acts over the years.
And I've dabbled in TV a little.
Wrote an episode of Our Miss Brooks.
- Do you know it? - I love that show.
Eve Arden's a dream.
- Mm.
- A real dream.
So please, talk.
Well, I did a slot a few nights ago talking about a new job I got, as a makeup counter girl.
I thought it was a natural, and I bombed.
It was scary.
I'm getting clammy just thinking about it.
It's also warm in here.
This what I've been drawing from My comedy notebook.
It's just some random funny thoughts I've written down over the years.
I need someone like you to make sense of it.
Minnie Pearl has a comedy notebook.
Puts you in a good company.
"I know you're probably thinking, "'If I wanted to hear a woman yapping, "I'd have stayed home.
' "But there's no way your mothers are as funny as I am.
" Solid joke.
Tell me more about you.
Well, I've primarily been a housewife for the last five years.
A funny Betty Crocker That's interesting.
Any kids? - Two.
- Perfect.
The Doyenne of Domesticity.
That could be a thing.
Well, I'd love to help.
And I can dive in today.
It's 15 bucks for the first five minutes of material.
Sound good? Sounds very good.
(LAUGHS) Tell me more.
I went to Bryn Mawr.
Definitely the funniest of the seven sisters.
Then brush the color onto the lid, just lightly, and stop right here, about half an inch before you reach the eyebrow.
I'll never be able to recreate this tomorrow.
No problem.
I'm coming home with you.
(GIGGLES) -Saw this for you in the break room.
- Thanks, Harriet.
Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.
Is that a pickle? I believe it is a pickle.
Ladies, will you excuse me just a quick moment? Absolutely.
MIDGE: Yes, hello.
Is Herb Smith there? Herb? Phone.
- HERB: Do they sound angry? - I'm not your fuckin' secretary.
Just come get it.
- This is Herb.
- Herb, hi.
Midge Maisel.
And not the IRS? Thank God.
- Good one.
- You get my package? Shipped it out this morning.
I did get it.
And I'm a little confused.
I don't know if you got the five messages I left you, but I have a slot at the Gaslight tonight.
The Gaslight? So you know Susie Myerson.
- She's terrific.
- She is.
But I don't have a lot of time to prepare, and I'm just wondering what the deal is - with the three-by-five cards.
- They're your act.
But I have no time to memorize all this.
So you take them up on stage.
It's how all the greats worked out their acts.
Bob Hope, Moms Mabley Everybody uses cards.
Yeah, I've seen comics use cards.
It's fun for the audience to see a comic working like this.
It can be hit-and-miss at times, but lots of fun.
- I guess.
- Just have a stool next to you.
You can put the cards on the stool.
The Gaslight has a stool, doesn't it? They do have a stool.
I should have put the stool in the cards.
The stool is a big thing.
- You see the pickle? - I did see the pickle.
The pickle's funny.
- The pickle is funny.
- So break a leg.
Uh, I will.
Thank you, Herb.
Can't wait to hear how it goes.
(DIAL TONE SOUNDS) I'm back, ladies.
- Now, where were we? - You were on the lids.
Ah, yes.
And next up we start from the top, and then slowly work our way down.
(SIGHS) Just had to see it for myself.
La mer (DOOR CLOSES) Qu'on voit danser Le long des Flats are making a giant difference.
I'm glad.
-I'm just home for a quick change, and then I'm heading out.
I'm meeting a friend for dinner.
I'll pick up the kids from Mrs.
Fulber when I get home.
So, I saw them unboxing some new dresses on the seventh floor today.
I'm not even supposed to be up there, but I just shoot the security guard a wink, and he looks the other way.
Some Chanel came in To die for.
And there was this pink one with a little collar that was just screaming my name.
There was this purply one, gloves to match, that just seemed so you.
Hi, Mommy.
Uh Mama, Ethan and Esther are supposed to be with Mrs.
Fulber's a drunk.
- JOEL: Come on.
- SHIRLEY: Uh, no.
He's the storyteller, not me.
Ma, you're a great storyteller.
If you don't mind 180-degree turns halfway through the story.
- (LAUGHTER) - Moishe.
- What? - Don't tease.
I'm not teasing.
I'm reporting.
What did I tell you? Greatest show on earth.
You start a story about a TV repairman, and then you end it describing a cruise to Istanbul.
I don't find that normal.
SHIRLEY: I did love that cruise.
- I would love to go on a cruise.
- We should take a cruise.
Everyone should go on a cruise.
Except Joel He gets tummy sick.
One time.
-And it wasn't even on a cruise ship.
It was on the Staten Island Ferry, to visit his cousins in Bulls Head.
Ma, this is a story you should not tell.
I want to hear it.
He threw up.
That's the story.
- JOEL: Great story.
- And she got to the end without talking about elephants or the Charleston.
- Give your mother some credit.
- (LAUGHTER) Young lady, we want to know more about you.
(BANJO PLAYING, LIVELY CROWD CHATTER) Cutting it close there, gally.
Subway stopped between stations.
We were in pitch black forever.
Pretty sure some guy groped me.
- Sometimes you get lucky.
- Just give me a minute to calm down.
You're going on, you got to get on.
- Crowd's gonna thin out.
- Just a quick minute.
- Midge next? - Midge next.
What stupid fucking name are using this time? Sadie Morton.
Why not? What are those? Just some notes.
You wrote your act on cards? - Yeah.
- Why? It's good enough for Bob Hope, it's good enough for me.
(SONG ENDS, APPLAUSE) Since when do you pattern yourself after Bob Hope? All right, next up is a really funny comedian.
Give it up for Sadie Morton! Like that's a real thing.
Hi there, everybody.
Drink it in A woman comedian.
- (LAUGHTER) - A rare sighting.
I know you're probably thinking, "If I wanted to hear a woman yapping, I'd have stayed home.
" (LAUGHTER) -But there is no way your mothers are as funny as me.
(LAUGHTER) All right, all right, we're having fun here.
So I'm a mother, too, believe it or not, of three rambunctious kids.
Okay, I-I have two kids, not three.
Uh, one day, my oldest came home from junior high and said the craziest thing.
Okay, I'm-I'm 26.
I-I didn't give birth at 13.
I would have had to have given birth at 13.
Can-can I borrow a pen? - Mm.
- Thank you.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I was their favorite, and that's not just because I'm an only child.
I actually have a brother, so that's another thing that's not quite accurate.
Uh you-you know, my family fights so much at the dinner table, I'm thinking of putting up four ropes and selling tickets.
- I don't get that.
- It's a boxing thing.
- (LAUGHTER) - MIDGE: A boxing thing.
Oh, okay, I get it.
Thank you, sir.
My husband.
Ooh, I get so mad when he comes home late, I grab the frying pan, hit him over the head, and doink.
Doink? An-And and my mother is so nosy, I think she could win a gold medal.
That's M-E-D-D-L-E, not-not M-E-D-A-L.
It's more of a visual spelling joke, I guess.
-WOMAN: Yeah.
How did Bob Hope become Bob Hope? - (MIDGE LAUGHS) - Because he's funny.
- (LAUGHTER) - Thank you, sir.
Light's on me, not you.
I went to Bryn Mawr.
That's literally all it says.
Next card.
- Next comedian.
- (LAUGHTER) - Excuse me? - Bring back the banjo.
You think you could do better, asshole? (CROWD SIGHING, MURMURING) - Probably.
- Oh, great.
Then stand up and make 'em laugh.
Come on.
Let's see what you got.
- What? You leave your balls at home? - AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh! - (AUDIENCE MURMURING) - Fine.
Um, a Spanish magician tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of three.
He says, "Uno, dos.
" Poof.
He disappeared without a tres.
Why doesn't this stupid place have a backstage? Are you trying to humiliate me? You're doing a great job all by yourself.
- What the fuck? - Don't.
I mean, what the fuck? I just want to get the hell out of here.
This isn't even your writing.
Hi, Midge.
What are you doing here? I came to catch your set.
Nice job.
Nice job? Were you listening? The whole time.
You got some good laughs in the back there.
How far back were you, Cafe Wha? Okay, I'm just trying to catch up here.
- How do you know Herb Smith? - She answered my ad in the Hollywood Reporter.
Hi, Susie.
You hired the Stage Deli bottom-feeder to write your act? All based on her notebook.
Lot of good stuff in there.
Nothing from these cards came from my notebook.
Yeah, because he sells the same crappy jokes to everyone who hires him.
- He's a fuckin' recycler! - Didn't say that in the ad.
That would have been a dumb thing to put in the ad.
I told you it'd be hit-and-miss! It was all miss, Herb.
Nothing hit! Please tell me you did not pay this guy.
- Oh, I paid him.
- Without consulting me? Hey, Midge, one thought? Oh, he's got a thought.
The husband joke.
When you hit him over the head with the frying pan, it's not "doink.
" It's "Doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!" Herb, the thing I'm gonna hit you over the head with, your screams are gonna drown out the doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink! We got to talk.
Good-bye, Herb.
SUSIE: Herb Smith.
- Really? - I needed help.
So you hire a guy that'll work for salami? I didn't want to bomb again.
- Oh, mission accomplished.
- Ha, ha.
If I wanted an act like that, I'd have booked your husband.
Real nice.
-I thought we were doing this together.
- Are we not doing this together? - I'm here, aren't I? You go behind my back, you hire a guy to help you.
I'm here to help you.
How? By rushing me onstage when I wasn't even ready? - What are you talking about? - I hardly stepped in the door and you were pushing me to go on.
I wanted you to have a good audience.
Great job.
- So it's my fault.
- Yes.
- Hey, fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
What is wrong with you? I can't do this anymore.
- Don't.
- I can't do it.
I-I don't want to do it.
We've talked about bombing.
So you get up on stage and bomb.
See how you like it.
- I'd hate it.
- Well, there you go.
But I'm not a comedian.
You're the comedian.
- Not anymore.
- Bullshit.
- Not anymore.
- Oh.
Again? Okay, fine.
So you're not gonna do this? - Nope.
- You're giving up? Yeah.
Go get your purse.
Go on home.
But this is good-bye, Miriam.
Or Sadie, or Cuntsy Lou Who or whatever your name is.
Because that's all you and I are.
Professional relationship.
Not girlfriends.
- I know that.
- And if there's no profession, there's no relationship, capisce? Good-bye.
Uh, don't forget your comedy cards.
You paid good money for them.
Don't forget to cancel that phone you ordered.
Unless it's too late.
Oh, don't worry.
I didn't order the stupid phone.
Maybe I can instinctively smell a loser! Fine! MOISHE: So the priest turns to the nun and says, "Excuse me, are you staring at me?" - Is this a dirty joke? - Would I tell a dirty joke - in mixed company? - Yes.
- It's not a dirty joke.
- Eat that, honey.
Eat it so that I won't.
- (LAUGHS) - So, the nun says to the priest, "I remember you.
We met once at the Vatican.
" - This is a dirty joke.
- Not a dirty joke.
And so, the priest says, "The Vatican's full "of a lot of priests, all in robes who look just like me.
How do you know that was me?" And the nun says This is a dirty joke.
- (LAUGHS) -SHIRLEY: I knew it.
- So did I.
All right.
I'll resume smelling my dessert wine and acting like I know what the hell I'm talking about.
Excuse me, everyone, I'm going to go freshen up.
- Because you're stale? - (LAUGHS) I'll come with you, because I am definitely stale.
- (LAUGHS) - You're gorgeous, too, Shirl.
SHIRLEY: You're killing m with that tiny tush.
PENNY: Oh, Mrs.
Maisel - No.
- What? Her.
-What the hell are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
How would I know what you're talking about? She's young, she's emptyheaded, she doesn't eat.
She's a shiksa.
- So? - Shiksas are for practice.
Want to say that a little louder? - I think you heard me just fine.
- I don't believe this.
- Don't act like a child.
- You can't judge her like this.
- You don't even know her.
- I know enough.
That is a girl that you have on the side, Joel.
It's not a girl you marry.
You don't introduce her to your fucking parents.
I had Yankees tickets tonight.
She's a good girl.
- "Sweet.
" Good.
Sounds like a Danish.
- You'd hate her no matter what.
Convince yourself of that and then we'll talk.
I'm eating her dessert.
MOISHE: Oh, there she is.
I stole I stole your dessert.
That's okay, Mrs.
Oh, call me Shirley.
- Oh.
- MOISHE: I've got another joke.
- It's gonna be dirty again.
- It's not gonna be dirty.
So, a clown walks into a laundromat.
This is dirty.
MOISHE: There's nothing dirty about it.
SHIRLEY: He told this joke five years ago in front of the rabbi.
MOISHE: Wait, is this the dirty temple joke? SHIRLEY: It's the dirty temple joke.
MOISHE: Are you sure? SHIRLEY: It ends with cabbage up the chimney.
MOISHE: You're right, it's too dirty.
Funny, but too dirty.
- Okay.
Knock, knock.
- SHIRLEY (LAUGHING): Moishe Life upon the wicked stage Ain't ever what a girl supposes (ELEVATOR CHIMES) - Stage door Johnnies aren't raging Over you with gems and roses - Hi, Midge.
- Good morning.
When you let a feller hold your hand Which means an extra beer or sandwich (NOTES SOUND) Doors are opening.
- And it begins.
- Good luck.
Where's the kitchenware department? - Fourth floor.
- Thank you.
No, wait.
- Nope.
- MARY: Uh, kitchenware's on the third floor, southwest side.
Thank you.
- You okay? - Yeah.
I'm just tired.
You look like you haven't had any fun lately.
That's for sure.
Then you should come to my party tonight.
It's nothing fancy.
Cheap wine and pretzels and extremely dull boys.
Way to sell.
No, really.
It'll be fun.
- Life upon the wicked stage - Maybe.
- Ain't nothing for a girl.
- Thanks for the invite.
(PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - ARCHIE: Joel, hi.
It's me.
Hey, Arch.
We were just about to step out.
We, uh, meeting in the lobby or outside? Joel, sorry, but we got to beg off.
What? -We're stuck here.
Babysitter just canceled.
She canceled? Last second.
She's never done this.
Call another.
You got, like, four of them.
They're all booked.
Well I could call Mrs.
Moskowitz and see if she could And Imogene's not feeling well.
Cold, or something.
Can we take a raincheck? It's a Broadway show.
There's no raincheck.
I know.
I feel terrible.
- Arch.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
I'll see you tomorrow? Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
(SIGHS) A Be-bop baby A Be-bop baby A Be-bop baby She's the gal for me She got plenty of rhythm, got plenty of jive And when we dance, it really comes alive My love for her's so tender and sweet My heart starts pounding every time we meet A Be-bop baby still in her teens Just as sweet as she can be Hi, there.
Midge, right? From makeup? - Oh, yes.
- Arnie.
- Schlitz? - Thank you, Arnie.
- So how you liking the job? - I like it.
Lot of nice girls down in makeup.
- Very nice.
- It's all men up where I am.
(CHUCKLES) Comes with the territory.
- So you like Ricky Nelson? - What I've heard.
It's funny how we all grew up watching him on TV, now he's this big rock star.
- The next Elvis.
- Very funny.
(CHUCKLES) She's the gal for me Oh, were you hitting on me? - Oh, no, I - You are.
That's so sweet, but that's not why I'm here, Arnie.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
Uh, did you want the Schlitz back? No, it's fine.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
(GASPS) Midge.
- You came.
- I did.
- Ah! - Nice place.
Eh, it's, uh, it's home for now.
Uh, Vivian, Harriet, look what the cat dragged in.
Hi, Midge.
- Vivian's drunk.
- I'm not a drunk.
I didn't say you were a drunk.
I said you were drunk.
Honey, you have two cups.
What's up with that? I poured myself a vodka and I forgot, and I poured a gin.
Guess I could mix 'em.
Oh, Vivian, no, no, no, no, no.
You will thank me in the morning.
She's not gonna be thanking anyone in the morning.
- I'll keep Vivian close tonight.
- I'm not a child.
Hey, we've all done this.
I once mixed tequila, absinthe and red wine.
- Ouch.
- Came out pink.
I'd never puked my favorite color before.
I don't even much like the taste of alcohol.
Oh, me either.
- But I like being tipsy.
- Mmm.
I mean, I wish there was a pill I-I guess there is.
It's called "pills.
" Hi, girls.
Uh, what happened to all the guys? They're clustered in a corner.
Why do they do that? Why do they cluster like that? Because we intimidate them or because they're finally admitting they don't know anything about cars? Lots of tears and catharsis over that.
Or maybe they're just hoping to start a really easily-winnable game of tug-of-war.
Or it's just a bunch of guys who didn't make their high school team talking about how Mickey Mantle can improve his swing.
Did Midge tell you? I'm bringing Ethan back.
See you later, sport.
Bye, Daddy.
Your wife is working.
Your first apartment? My very first.
You know, I never had a first apartment.
I lived with my folks, went to college, got married.
I've never killed my own spiders.
What do you do if you see one? I assume just get a new apartment.
Really, three girls and one bathroom? And you haven't tried to kill each other yet? Just attack each other with eyelash curlers, karate each other with bra straps What happens here? It's frightening.
Would ya like to know what kind of conversation goes on While they're loafing around at home? They'll be tryin' out Bevo, tryin' out cubebs Tryin' out Tailor Mades like Cigarette Fiends And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover up A tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen One fine night, they leave the pool hall Headin' for the dance at the Arm'ry Libertine men and Scarlet women And Rag-time, shameless music That'll grab your son, your daughter With the arms of a jungle animal instinct, mass-steria Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground, trouble - Oh, we got trouble - Right here in River City - That stands for pool - We've surely got trouble - We've surely got trouble - Right here in River City - Right here - Gotta figure out a way To keep the young ones moral after school Our children's children gonna have trouble, trouble - Trouble, trouble - Mothers of River City Heed that warning before it's too late Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption The minute your son leaves the house Does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee? Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime novel hidden in the corn crib? Is he starting to memorize jokes From Captain Billy's Whiz Bang? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like "swell" And "So's your old man"? Well, if so my friends - Ya got trouble - Oh, we got trouble - Right here in River city - Right here in River city With a capital "T" And that rhymes with "P" - And that stands for pool - That stands for pool - We've surely got trouble - We've surely got trouble - Right here in River City - Right here Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones moral after School - Our children's children gonna have trouble - Trouble - Oh, we got trouble - Right here in River City - Right here in River City With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" - And that stand for pool - That stands for pool - We've surely got trouble - We've surely got trouble - Right here in River City - Right here Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule Our children's children gonna have trouble - Trouble - Oh, we got trouble - Right here in River City - Right here in River City With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" - And that stands for pool - That stands for pool - We've surely got trouble - We've surely got trouble - Right here in River City - Right here Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones moral after School - Our children's children gonna have trouble Oh, we've got trouble We're in terrible, terrible trouble That game with the 15 numbered balls is a devil's tool Devil's tool - Oh, yes, we got trouble, trouble, trouble Oh, yes, we got trouble here, we got big, big trouble - With a "T" - With a capital "T" - Gotta rhyme it with "P" - That rhymes with "P" And that stands for pool! That stands for pool!
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