The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

Let's Face the Music and Dance

Should we wait? I don't know.
Can we sit? I don't know.
- Hmm? - Susie.
(CLEARS THROAT) - What? We're at your place.
(GRUNTS) We fell asleep.
I had a really weird dream.
Hopefully no one else is up.
I was ice-skating and I got attacked by a giant beaver.
My neck feels weird.
Is that sexual? I guess my father never came back down.
Guess not.
(CHUCKLES) What? "Having sex with his mind so she didn't have to think about his penis.
" So ballsy.
You should go.
Good luck.
Aw, damn.
What? I left Pamela in your dad's car.
- Who? - My plunger.
You named it? I'm spending a lot of time alone up here.
Go without it.
MAN: Clear all channels.
Quarter hour report.
Team One, check in.
Team One, over.
WOMAN 2 (OVER WALKIE): One, nothing here.
Team One, coordinate with the maritime crew and report back.
- Over.
- Copy.
Team Two, check in.
Team Two, over.
Nothing to report, Oliver.
- Team Two, over.
- Team Three, report.
- Team Three.
- Oliver.
No sign of her to the northeast.
Okay, let's reposition the northeast teams to the west.
Team Three, what's your current position? Over.
Hey, guys.
- (GASPS) - Susie! We found her! - Hey, everyone! We found Susie! - (CHEERING) - We were so worried.
- We were losing our minds.
OLIVER: All teams, stand down.
I repeat, stand down.
She's home.
Are you okay? Are you injured? - Uh, no, no, I'm fine.
- Team Four.
Team Four.
- No injuries.
- Oh, thank God.
Let's get a blanket on her, and get her in a chair.
OLIVER: Anyone know where Team Four is? I've lost radio contact.
WOMAN: There is no Team Four.
You always walk around like that? Here's some soup.
Sip it slow.
You've got to get your strength back.
Yeah, well, lentil's not my favorite, but sure.
- (RADIO STATIC) - It's the other teams.
They want to hear your voice for themselves.
Uh, hey, teams.
It was all a bit harrowing, but I'm okay.
Nothing injured but my pride and, uh, a little bit my elbow.
Soup's helping.
(CHEERING OVER WALKIE) You made their day, Susie.
Always happy to help.
So you missed some excitement at Polynesian night.
Oh, yeah? What happened? Fran Zimmerman knocked over a can of Sterno and lit her grass skirt on fire.
It took nine coconuts to put her out.
Anything wrong? No, just Have you seen Papa today? No.
He came in very late from wherever he was last night, and was asleep when I got up.
Why? Hello, all.
- Hi, Mom.
- Midget.
- Morning.
No food for you, Astrid? Oh, no.
I'm fasting for Tisha B'Av.
Tisha B'Av.
Really? It's considered the saddest day in Jewish history.
It's got competition.
My fast started at sunset.
That's why you missed me at Polynesian night.
You weren't at Polynesian night? Where's Abe? Working off a hangover? He'll be here, Moishe.
He's just running a little late.
- (SCREAMS) - Oh, you scared me.
I'm sorry, Shirley.
For a second there I thought - you were a bear.
- What's wrong with you, honey? - Besides what we already knew.
- She's fasting, Shirley.
Yeah, that's why I wasn't at Polynesian night.
You weren't at Polynesian night? Hey, guys.
Okay if I join? Go ahead, sit.
- Is it okay, Noah? - It's a free country.
ROSE: I don't know what's keeping Abe.
- He's usually up so early.
- MOISHE: Right.
Running around in that funny little romper of his.
- His what? - SHIRLEY: (LAUGHS) Rosie, don't play dumb.
We've all seen Abe in his little romper; it's hysterical.
MOISHE: And so formfitting.
Every cut of the mohel's knife on vivid display.
Please don't let him hear you talking about his romper, Moishe.
- You're not eating, Astrid? - No, I'm not.
- I'm fasting for Tisha B'Av.
- What's that again? It's a day in remembrance of the destruction of the First and Second Temples, but I guess no one else gives a shit.
- Astrid.
- Sorry.
Ah, no, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you've got a lot to be sorry for, buddy.
Noah, what can I do here, huh? MIDGE: Guys, stop.
These were important fucking temples.
I don't know what you can do, Joel.
How about invent a time machine? - Undo what you did.
- Stop, please.
Maybe we should take this away from the table.
What, so you can beat me up? No, thanks.
- I couldn't beat you up.
- I'm completely out of shape.
I'm sore from playing horseshoes.
What are you, competing for the Biggest Steiner Sissy sash? Abe.
MOISHE: There he is, Mr.
Sit down, Abe.
Papa, do you want to sit here? No, I'm going to sit over here.
Move, move, move, move.
I know that look.
And Abe, I can help.
I've got Ex-Lax back in the room, boxes of it.
- He eats 'em like candy.
- I don't need a laxative, Moishe; I'm very regular, thank you.
All this talk is making me hungry.
SAMUEL: Morning, Mr.
I have your tomato juice.
I won't be having any.
Sir? I won't be having any.
Yes, sir.
He turned down tomato juice.
Are you all right, Abe? Y you don't feel warm.
I just don't want a glass of tomato juice, okay? Is that such a shock? MAN (OVER P.
): Attention, Steiner diners.
Good news.
The missing plumber has been found.
I repeat, the missing plumber has been found.
So it's a beautiful day outside and I thought, why not stay inside and bowl? - Anyone want to tag along? - ABE: Bowling? No, Joel.
No one here wants to go bowling.
I'm missing something.
What's wrong, Abe? NOAH: What's wrong? A lot of us are still processing this thing you did to my sister, okay? This isn't about their breakup, Noah.
That was centuries ago.
Many things have happened since.
Many suns have risen and many have set.
He's lost his mind.
Like he's swallowed Gandhi.
Papa Why is everyone so focused on me? - MIDGE: Papa - I'm trying to eat.
Papa! Porch.
What is this about? I probably said something at some point that put him off.
In fact, I know I did.
I'll fix it.
She knows I'm fasting.
Why would she say that? MIDGE: You must have a lot of questions.
ABE: You know, I woke up several times in the night thinking I'd imagined what I saw.
Maybe someone slipped something into my drink.
Lysergic acid.
That's a drug that makes you hallucinate.
See colors, monsters Daughters saying horrible things on a showroom stage in front of a thousand people.
It's impossible, what I saw.
It's not.
You saw it.
It was me.
Is this a hobby? It's a profession.
And you make money from this? A little.
Not enough.
But that's the plan.
You want to be Milton Berle.
God, no.
Then whom? I don't know Me.
You're already you.
It's all me.
And the arrests? - How did you know about that? - Never mind how I know.
What did you do to get arrested? Twice.
They said misdemeanors, but that could be many things.
- Was it gambling? - No.
- Did you break in somewhere? - Yes.
I'm the notorious cat burglar of the Upper West Side.
- So you won't tell me.
- No.
My God, the first time we brought you here, I was carrying you.
- Who was that woman? - What woman? The woman with us in the car last night.
Oh I'm so used to people thinking she's a guy, I didn't know who you were talking about.
- She's clearly a woman.
- Her name's Susie.
She's my manager.
- She doesn't look professional.
- She's very professional.
Her appearance just doesn't reflect it yet.
She was carrying a toilet plunger.
- It's part of her act.
- She's a comedian, too? No, she's sort of pretending to be an employee here.
My head is spinning.
Let me get you a tomato juice.
You've ruined tomato juice for me.
- You don't mean that.
- It's ruined.
Who wants to pick a card? Get the fuck away from us! In a way, I'm glad this happened.
Really? I want people to know.
Mama should know.
- It's time.
- No.
I don't want to hide it anymore.
I've been trying to find a way to tell you all.
And what if you don't stick with it? Why put her through this tsuris? I'm sticking with it.
Like you stuck with your marriage? That's not fair.
Joel left me.
You were going to get back together.
You made a point of telling me.
We decided not to.
Are you seeing the flip-flops here? It was more like he flipped, I flopped.
Well, I can't keep falling behind and playing catch-up on your life, Miriam.
I need some control over this.
- So what do you want me to do? - I want you to lie low.
Do not tell your mother or anyone else about this absurd thing you're doing.
I'll let you know when the time is right.
I'd like to tell her when we get back to the city.
No, when we get back, we unpack.
We'll unpack either way.
No, if everyone gets distracted, we won't unpack, and suitcases and boxes will be crowding the place for weeks.
- I can't live like that.
- Fine, then after we unpack.
And get past Hanukkah.
Hanukkah? That's months away.
You want to spoil your mother's Hanukkah by telling her you're pursuing a life as a foul-mouthed comic? My act's not all foul.
You came on a blue night.
Miriam, you owe me.
Now lay low and don't tell anyone until I decide the time is right.
Your father.
All right.
I'll lay low.
(SIGHS) Now I have to go apologize to the tumbler.
He's an innocent in all this.
He hit birdies on five of his last six holes.
- Isn't that somethin'? - That is somethin'.
- You play golf, Joel.
- Actually, I don't.
And there was this kid, this 19-year-old, Jack Nicklaus.
He's gonna give Arnold Palmer a run for his money one day.
- But you follow golf.
- Actually, I don't.
I'm gonna get you on the links this year, buddy.
- Nothing's gonna stop me.
- Marv really wants to golf with you, Joel.
Excuse me, guys.
Uh, Joel, there's something up with the kids.
It's time-sensitive.
Will you excuse us? Of course.
Hope everything's all right.
- Was it Midge who played golf? - What's wrong with the kids? Nothing.
I'm buying you an ice cream.
Single vanilla.
So, breakfast was tense.
No, Hiroshima was tense; breakfast was worse.
What happened? Papa showed up at the Concord, and I was on stage.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
Big whoa.
- When? How? - I'm not even sure what brought him there.
The gods.
When I was four, I took two lollipops when the rabbi told me to take one, and this is my punishment? You want me to talk to him? I mean, - we're the only two who know, right? - It won't help.
He just needs time.
Thank you.
So, how was the gig? Oh.
We're having that conversation? Yeah, we are.
Well, I spotted Papa almost from the get-go, but I had to keep going.
I said things, things I barely remember.
I heard laughs.
Some pretty big laughs.
Kind of wish I was there.
I should go.
Thank you for the ice cream.
Thanks for getting the Feinburgs off me.
- They should invent a spray for that.
- Yeah.
They should.
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN) (DOOR CLOSES) I've got water in my ear.
Tilt your head and hop up and down.
There's a couple of spots open; you can go on in.
Eh, I'm gonna wait.
I've already experienced a couple of shower mishaps, and it's best to be safe.
- Mishaps? - I accidentally walked into the men's just as the tummler was bent over to pick up his soap.
I can't unsee that.
Also, nobody sees this.
I don't ever even look.
So I'm good.
See you in a bit.
- Good night, Susie.
- Night, Susie.
Night, guys.
Gonna be a hot one tomorrow.
Dress accordingly.
- See you, Susie.
- Good night, Susie.
- Good night, Susie.
- WOMAN: Good night, Susie.
- Did she quit? Was she fired? - Oh! Mystery! Old lady Steiner did one of her white-glove inspections today.
- I wish she'd announce those.
- That woman scares me.
She's actually really nice.
She came to visit when I was in the infirmary.
Susie, you can put your ditty bag in the space under my bed if you want.
(SNICKERS) What did you call it? A ditty bag.
What do you call it? - My shit.
- (LAUGHTER) Susie, you're a gas! So, Sally and I saw you talking to Felix tonight, Laura.
- Oh.
Do tell.
- He asked me to pass the salt.
- It was hardly talking.
- We saw you blush from across the room.
You were redder than the ketchup.
He is so handsome.
And so single.
You guys are talking about the same Felix, right? Teaches ballet? Walks around in a leotard all day? - That's him.
- Mm-hmm.
Guys, you know he's a - Never mind.
): Attention, employees, it's lights out.
See you tomorrow.
Season's just about over.
It feels like it just started.
- This might be my last stint in the Catskills.
- Deecy, no! No, no, it's good.
If the singing career's gonna happen, I just got to get out there and do it.
You can totally do it, Deecy.
You've got a fantastic voice.
- Like Rosemary Clooney.
- Better.
I'm gonna be the next Lucille Ball.
- Oh, no doubt, Sally.
- You're a born comedienne.
And just so you guys know, when I get famous, I'm not taking any of you with me.
- (LAUGHTER) - DEECY: She is so funny.
Look out, Lucille Ball.
- I'm Broadway bound.
- Oh, I saw her do Doll's House in high school.
She made me cry.
- Your father's a big producer, right? - Yeah, but I'm changing my last name so that when I make it, I know I made it on my own.
How about our resident poet? You're, like, the next Emily Dickinson, Pearl.
You're all invited to my Pulitzer ceremony.
(LAUGHTER) You know none of that's gonna happen, right? Especially the poet.
Night, everybody.
- Night.
- Yeah.
- Good night.
- Night.
SUSIE: And whichever one of you is gonna change your name, don't.
Use that shit.
): A reminder that swim trunks and bathing suits must be worn at all times in the lake, even after dark.
If you're afraid, son, then be so, because here comes a classic knockdown, courtesy of Sir Isaac Newton's first and second laws of motion.
But the gravity weight's changing as it glides.
And the surface of the table is modulating with the humidity in the room.
(CHUCKLES) Have fun with that.
Son, be an object in motion, won't you? Give me my space.
Wimpy Bernstein! How they hangin'? A little lower this year, I think.
How do Jews mark the passage of time? We don't count the rings of a tree.
We mention the distance from the floor to Wimpy Bernstein's schnutz! (LAUGHING) - (BOWLING PINS CRASHING) - Ah-ha-ha-ha! Oh.
Here's the life of the party.
Hey, Pop.
Pull up a stool.
- Who's your friend? - Not a friend.
- Could be your friend.
- I'm not disagreeing, Pop.
Come on.
OLIVER: Phone call! Phone call! Oh, God, now Moishe's gonna sit there on the phone and yammer on - like a complete yutz.
- Phone call for Abe Weissman.
- Oh.
It's for me? - Better get it, Abe.
Could be one or your egghead professor friends wondering how to zip his fly.
Isn't that what happens? You know calculus and physics but forget how to put your pants on? - (MOISHE LAUGHING) - Hello? What? What? You're stuck in the dugout, slugger.
Get in there.
- Pop.
- Come on.
She's your type: she's cute, she's quiet, she knows how to read.
I'll go where my matchmaking skills - are appreciated.
- You do that.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - Anything interesting? - Not really.
I'm sick of Eddie Fisher.
I'm sick of Elizabeth Taylor.
Pretty soon they'll be sick of each other, right? (CHUCKLES) Here's hoping.
So, I've seen you bowl.
- You're good.
- I'm okay.
No, you're really good, like a professional.
Well, I'm no Dick Weber, but I hold my own.
What's with the shooting stars? There's a meteor shower tonight.
It's supposed to be really neat.
- Are you going? - Into space? (LAUGHS) To the viewing party, silly.
Out on the lawn.
I'm going.
You should go.
Thank you, Franklin.
Thank you so much.
See you soon.
Okay, catching my breath here.
- What is it, Pop? - That was the director of Bell Labs calling to tell me that they have officially okayed - the funding for my project.
- Wow, that's huge! - Congratulations! - This never happens after such a short tenure.
It's a giant vote of confidence.
Don't be so surprised, Pop.
You're a big shot.
They want me to come in to discuss it in person, today.
- They want me there today.
- Well, get going.
Let's see, I've got to get the car pulled around.
- I should stop home and put on a suit.
- Got to look your best.
- Hey.
Come with me.
- Oh, I don't want to get - in the way.
- You won't be in the way.
See my office.
See your father the macher.
We'll have dinner after.
- Someplace nice? - With champagne.
- Let's do it.
- Rose! Rose, I got picked.
My project at Bell Labs is funded, it's going forward.
- Papa, that's great.
- Oh! Yes, it is.
We're, uh, we're going to the city, Noah and me.
We'll be back tomorrow morning.
The average IQ of Steiner guests will drop for a day, but we'll get by with our brute strength and street smarts.
We have to leave immediately.
- Go.
- Jimmy! Jimmy! Where is that boy when you need him? - I'm right here, Mr.
- SHIRLEY: Mah-jongg.
WOMAN: That's just not right.
- ROSE: Shirley? - What? Have you moved since last night? - Nope.
- Not even to go to the bathroom? - Nope.
- Do you think this is wise? Hey, we're not playing for 3-In-One Oil here.
This is for money.
Do you understand? Serious money.
Now go away.
Go away! - WOMAN: Who were they? - They're nobody.
Ignore them.
She's the only person whose disposition worsens - in the fresh air.
- Mm-hmm.
(LAUGHS) - Miriam? - Hmm? MAN (OVER P.
): Miriam Maisel, please come to building 15B.
Miriam Maisel, please come to building 15B.
- Where's that? - Not sure.
I'll go check.
- I'll see you at the cottage.
- Okay.
What's up? Got some good news, finally.
Hit me with it.
What's going on in there? Oh, it's rehearsals for the employee show.
Apparently, it's been a Steiner Resort tradition for a thousand years.
They put it on the last day.
I always have such mixed feelings about it.
I love the show, but it means summer's over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One of the girls in my cabin, Laura? She comes from a big New York showbiz family.
I clawed some info on a contact from her, and I booked you another gig.
She's even lending me her car.
- Oh.
- What's wrong? That's good.
Well, I kind of told my fath Nothing.
Let's do it.
Okay, so meet me back here again tomorrow at 9:00.
- Okay.
- STEVIE: Mrs.
Anything I can help you with? No, Stevie.
I'm fine, thanks.
It's unusual to see a guest in the employee area.
Well, I was out taking a walk, and ran into one of your ace plumbers here, so I thought I'd tell her about a little issue with the cottage, cut out the middleman.
Yeah, I'm taking care of it, Stevie.
Have plunger, will travel.
All right, well, uh, any way I can help, please call.
- (CHUCKLES) - I will.
She has a disgusting rash on her back.
Susie, how would you even know that? Seen her in the shower.
Part of it's oozing.
Why do you have to ruin Stevie for me? Sorry.
Thought it was interesting.
I've got to get going.
Hey, how did you get your plunger back? I didn't.
Kids here, they got two cents between them, but they all pitched in and got me a brand-new one.
So thoughtful.
Just makes me hate my own family even more.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you.
It's Speech Synthesis.
Speech Synthesis? MACHINE: Hello.
- Fascinating.
- It'll go way beyond just the production of words.
The machine itself will eventually know what to say.
We are talking artificial intelligence.
The future is now.
There are applications in cryptography, satellite communications God, I'd love to tell you more about it, but I think I've said all I can to someone without the proper security clearance.
It's pretty high-up stuff, son.
I hope you understand.
I get it, Pop.
A secret's a secret.
- Afternoon, Abe.
- ABE: Devlin.
Devlin's my mechanical engineer.
A real whiz.
Devlin, this is my son Noah.
I figured as much.
Abe's been talking about you non-stop.
Well, it's in his genetic profiling to boast about his offspring.
Nice meeting you.
Great guy.
You would love working with him.
- Oh, I'm sure I would.
- Come on.
Let me show you more of the place.
Gentlemen, my son Noah.
- Hi.
- I-A-I-B-I-D.
I insisted they let me recruit my own team, because I wanted a certain diversity.
- I almost hired a woman.
- Good for you, Pop.
But we're always on the lookout for new talent.
People like you.
Lester, meet my son.
Ah, the famous Noah Weissman.
- Nice meeting you.
- Same here.
You haven't been boring people about me, have you, Pop? Me? Maybe a little.
Ah, Charles.
Just the man I wanted to see.
What's up, Abe? - Here he is.
- I'll add some specifics.
I'm Noah Weissman.
The famous Noah Weissman.
(CHUCKLES) Abe has raised you to me so many times, I've lost count.
You shouldn't do that, Pop, really.
Of course I should.
They need you here.
Charles, I want you to sit down with Noah today.
I'd love to, Abe, but I'm jammed with meetings.
Sure, but carve some time out for him as a favor to me.
Really, Pop, if he's busy Too busy to meet a prospective Bell Labs star? Of course he's not.
Abe, this is something that is not going to happen today.
But it's why I brought Noah down here.
It's not going to happen.
Really, Charles, if you value our relationship Abe, let's take this into a secure room.
A secure room? (LOCK BUZZES) - Have a seat, please.
- All right.
But, Charles, I'm very confused here.
- Why in the world are we - (LOCK BUZZES) Fellas, this is Dabney Franklin, head of security.
Yes, Dabney, I've seen you around the office, but why is the head of security here? - Well, Abe, I'm afraid we - (LOCK BUZZES) Come on in, Bob.
This is Bob Jackson, - head of our in-house counsel.
- Yes, hello.
Okay, why is someone from Legal here? - I don't For Pete's sake! - (LOCK BUZZES) Abe, this is Martin Cummings with our Government Liaison Department, and I've asked Devlin here as a witness.
- Witness? - Hello again.
Wha what the hell is going on? This is a little awkward, Abe, but I'm afraid your actions forced the issue.
- What actions? - Well, you've been pressing so hard about your son coming on board that I need to tell you something.
Noah can't work at Bell Labs.
- What? - The job you keep pushing him for, it's not gonna happen.
But he's so qualified.
He graduated top of his class at MI and he's a top researcher and he's barely 30.
He's more than that, Abe.
No, I'm quite sure he's 30.
He's more than a researcher, Abe.
This is why we brought you to a secure room.
We're gonna let you know a couple of things that a man so far down the totem pole such as yourself normally wouldn't be privy to.
Martin? Your son is involved in a highly classified project for the United States government.
(CHUCKLES): That's not true.
- Is it? - CHARLES: At the highest levels.
MARTIN: He let me know a few weeks ago that you were pushing for him to come here, bandying his name about.
- You talked to them? - CHARLES: He didn't have a choice, Abe.
You were so vocal about it.
So persistent.
But now you know.
It's not going to happen, there should be no more mention of this, and thank you for your time.
No, wait, I have a security clearance.
I think I deserve to know more.
I'm going to be frank with you, Abe.
Your clearance level is extremely low.
It allows you to see some non-consequential documents, but its level is not much above, say, the janitorial staff.
Theirs may be higher, what with the disposal of documents, the shredding.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure the janitors have a higher security clearance than you.
What is this project that's so high-profile? Noah? Sorry, Pop.
A secret's a secret.
CHARLES: We're gonna debrief Noah a bit on what happened today, Abe.
Then you two can get back to your vacation.
Meaning? We need the room.
(LOCK BUZZES) ("YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE" BY MILLS BROTHERS PLAYING) You always hurt The one you love The one you shouldn't hurt - At all - (KNOCKING) It's after 7:00, Pop.
Isn't it time for the celebratory dinner? - Your project was approved.
- Not hungry.
The sweetest rose And crush it Till the petals Fall This is a beautiful clear night to view a meteor shower, folks.
This will be a Perseid cloud, courtesy of your friendly neighborhood comet, Swift-Tuttle.
We'll be gazing to the north here, and we're looking at a five to seven minute event duration.
You always take Well.
Hi, neighbor.
Hi, neighbor.
Fan of meteors, are you? Ever since Swift married Tuttle and changed her name to Swift-Tuttle.
I was at the wedding.
Didn't think it would last.
Swift is so much taller than him.
I didn't know you were coming back.
I wasn't, but I had made an appointment at the hair salon before I left, and they don't do refunds for cancellations.
- Ah.
- I'm very cheap.
We can sit together, you know.
I didn't want to presume.
If I broke Your heart last night it's because So you like nerdy stuff like this? Dr.
Fleischer is nerdy.
The cosmos is not nerdy.
The cosmos is wonderful.
I wasn't saying it wasn't.
I love the cosmos.
Are you cold? A little.
The one You shouldn't hurt at all - Better? - Better.
FLEISCHER: Here's our first show now, folks.
Look low in the sky and try not to blink or you'll miss 'em.
(OOHING) - You cold? - Nope.
You look cold.
You can share the blanket.
I'm a man.
I'm a Jew.
I suffer.
(OOHING) With a hasty word - You can't recall - Better.
So - If I broke - (OOHING) - Your heart last night - (GIGGLES) It's because I love you most of all.
): Steinerites, please join us dockside to celebrate Arlene Ableman's 70th birthday this afternoon.
There will be two kinds of cake.
Weissman? - Yes, Mrs.
Beauty salon.
(SIGHS) What happened to Jimmy? - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Good morning, sir.
Welcome to Steiner Mountain Resort Salon and Sir! Rose.
R Rose.
- Rose! - (WHIRRING) Abe, don't! Don't! You're making it hotter! - (WHIRRING STOPS) - What is wrong with you? Your son is not who you think he is.
He is a high-level - I don't know what he is.
- Noah? - If that's his name.
- Of course that's his name.
- What makes you so sure? - We named him.
Well, I am not calling him Noah anymore.
Until I find out more, I am calling him Son-X.
Abe, please, you're not making sense.
I got in trouble at Bell Labs, and it's all his fault.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
I talked him up to coworkers.
- What did they say? - That talking about my son was some sort of high-level security breach that only me and the janitors were not aware of.
He works at a university.
It's a cover.
It's it's a cover.
And he's saying nothing.
Three hours driving back, he wouldn't answer one question.
Not one.
I was so mad.
I didn't stop for a bathroom break.
And he had to go.
Oh, yes.
It was painfully obvious he had to go.
My God.
I had to go, too.
We think we know Son-X, (QUIETLY): but we don't know Son-X.
Let me see what I can find out.
Oh, bless you, Rose.
You're here for the service? Yes.
I'm so hungry and tired, I don't even know what time it is.
It's around 3:00.
The rabbi was going to cancel when he saw it was just me, but I cried really hard, so he stayed.
So, yay.
The rabbi's a good (SNIFFS) man.
Oh, sorry.
That's my Chinatown paste.
- Right.
- It's pungent.
- Okay.
- And oil-based.
It doesn't respond to water.
- No, it's fine.
- Okay.
Oh, other way.
ROSE: So, Noah and Abe are back.
Oh, good.
Did they have a nice trip? They did.
They had a lot of time to talk.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
Noah talked about his work a little bit.
He doesn't do that much.
Oh, it's a complicated subject, - I can tell you.
- Yes? But I'm not supposed to tell you.
Oh, of course.
But it's complicated.
(SPUTTERS) Oy, doo zugst mir.
- So much travel.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Really? - Where does he go? - Oh, he doesn't say.
Although, sometimes when he gets back, there's sand in his shoes.
- Sand? - And his gun.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, it comes out.
He cleans it, oils it.
It's good as new.
- He carries a gun.
- Sometimes.
- The company makes him.
- RABBI: Amen.
Oh, listen to me, yakking away, and you're here to pray.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I am.
So you call his university the company? - Sort of.
- Or or the other place he works is the company? Did I say there was another place? - You implied it.
- I didn't mean to.
Oh, well, does does he keep in touch when he's away? - He usually can't.
- But if he's away - and you need to reach him, are you able to? - Not really.
What would you do in an emergency? Oh, I don't know.
I can't just dial the operator and say, "Give me the CIA.
" It doesn't work that way.
Of course not.
(RABBI CONTINUES MUMBLING) Oh, we're on the next page.
How? When? They must have recruited him in college.
Does he kill people? I don't think so.
I I would like to know if my son kills people.
I'll try to get more specifics out of her next time.
(ROSE SIGHS) Both of them.
Both of who? Nothing.
): Attention, Steiner guests: Labor Day approaches, marking the end of another great season.
We'll see you at our final soiree in the main hall.
Bring your dancing shoes.
What is this? - It's our ride.
- It's a tank.
The rich girl in my cabin said she'd lend me her wheels.
I didn't know it was gonna be the car the Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated in.
Do you crank it? No, but when you start it, the sound will scare the crap out of you.
(BRITISH ACCENT): Guess we should get going, James.
(NORMAL VOICE): You're gonna need a booster seat.
I'm not gonna need a fucking booster seat.
What am I, fucking five? Ah, I'm gonna need a fucking booster seat.
Blankets will work or phone books.
I'll drive it back up to the cabin and grab something.
- (ENGINE BACKFIRES) - (BOTH SCREAM) That was louder than last time! Oh, I think my heart stopped.
My butt feels hot.
Does your butt feel hot? Your what feels hot? My ears are ringing.
Your what's ringing? That blew my ears out.
Oh, wait, I can hear again.
Stop yelling.
Your what feels hot? My butt.
Every morning Every morning Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Go, you chicken fat Go away Go, you chicken fat Go.
That's the thing about mah-jongg.
The longer you grind on 14, 15, 16 hours these alta kakas get dopey and they don't know what tiles they're passing.
They don't even know their own names.
They wouldn't know anyway.
These people are quite old.
SHIRLEY: That's when I swoop in for the kill.
And I make them pay on the spot.
Even if I have to march them down to the Western Union, they will pay.
Sounds very exciting, Shirley.
I come home on a high.
I can't get to sleep.
That's when the lovemaking starts.
You know, guys, maybe that's as far as the story should go.
And maybe not even that far.
That's why we get a cottage so far away from everybody else.
And thank you for that, Shirley.
MOISHE: At one point, Shirl was down 12.
Can you believe it? At the end, she won it back and then some.
- You always end up on top, don't you, Shirl? - (LAUGHS) ROSE: My God, I've only ever played mah-jongg for pennies.
I've never lost $12.
$12? Honey, no, I was down $1,200.
Who would play for a lousy $12? Shirley, you were down $1,200? SHIRLEY: Oh, it sounds like a lot, but in mah-jongg it's not, really.
Hey, so, what did you do with our Abe, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm? Your super sunshiny disposition is in such stark contrast to his.
Moishe, I'm in a fine mood and having a wonderful time with my wife and my children.
Please stop focusing on me and focus on the festivities.
Really, you should replace Buzz up there, Abe.
Infect the crowd with your enthusiasm.
Be in whatever mood you want to be in, Pop.
- Don't let him push you around.
- No one pushes me around, son.
I do what I want, just like everybody else around me does whatever the hell they want, no matter what the effect.
Papa, Noah was just saying that I understand what he was saying.
Unless it's some sort of code.
(APPLAUSE) All right, everybody.
It's that time.
We look forward all season to seeing how the gang is gonna entertain us.
You know them.
You love them.
You tip them.
- We do.
We do.
- They're our wonderful Steiner employees, and they're here to put on a show.
Hard to top last year's theme, "To the Moon and Back," with our head chef Julias's rendition of "That Old Devil Moon.
" Who knew the King of Kreplach had such beautiful pipes, huh? But this year, we may have outdone ourselves.
This year we bring you "Around the World in 80 Minutes," a sensational musical odyssey to some of the most exotic places on Earth.
("AROUND THE WORLD" PLAYING) Around the world I've searched for you I traveled on when hope was gone To keep a rendezvous I knew somewhere, sometime, somehow You'd look at me and I would see The smile you're smiling now It might have been in China.
Who would bring Cossacks into a room full of Jews? (LAUGHING): Buzz has a bit of a masochistic side.
Why are you laughing? Is it supposed to be funny? I don't think so.
That's what makes it funny.
Oh, come on, Papa.
You've got to be enjoying this a little.
I'm enjoying it thoroughly.
What makes you think I'm not enjoying it? I don't know, your sphinxlike detachment? I guess I don't know what funny is.
(APPLAUSE) The rest of the world is gonna get us for this one day.
I'm gonna grab another drink.
But our first stop? (BRAZILIAN ACCENT): Brazil.
Way down among Brazilians Coffee beans What'll you have? I'm buying.
MIDGE: The drinks are free.
Then I'm buying you two.
Gin martini, olives.
- Yes, ma'am.
- So, did your table plotz at the sight of the Cossacks? Oh, they plotzed.
Didn't even kvetch first.
That Buzz is growing on me.
He's got an edge.
The Secret Life of Buzz Goldberg might make a fine Hitchcock movie.
So, are we going to see each other again? Let me answer that: we're going to see each other again.
I guess it's settled, then.
- We'll keep it on land? - I'm good with that.
Venetian guy brought back bad memories.
Thank you.
You know how to find me.
Actually, I don't.
You don't have my number? - You never gave it to me.
- You know where I live, though.
Somewhere by the park? - Do you have a pen? - No.
I don't either.
I guess I'll find one and write it down, - and I'll get it to you sometime tonight.
- Sure.
I'll probably head out by 10:30, though.
Before 10:30.
Sorry, I know that would have been kind of neat to say, "You know how to find me," then walk away like in a movie, but the logistics were off.
- Next time.
- Next time.
Why they could percolate the coffee in Brazil No tea Or tomato juice You'll see No potato juice 'Cause the planters down in Santos all say no No, no You'll add to the local color Serving coffee with a cruller Dunking doesn't take a lot of skill It might have been in County Down Or in New York, in gay "Paree" Or even London town No more will we go all around the world For we have found our world In you.
- (CHEERING) - Brava! MAN: That was wonderful.
(MOUTHS) WOMAN: Brava! Welcome back to Steiner Resort.
We missed you while you were away - on your travels.
- (LAUGHTER) But you chose the perfect time to return, because do we ever have a surprise for you.
What now, a kickline of Gruppenfuhrers? When he's not mourning the loss of his beloved Ebbets Field, this man is thinking up funny things to say.
Here he is, direct from The Ed Sullivan Show, Phil Foster.
- Phil Foster?! - Oh, Phil Foster! Wow! Thanks, everyone.
It's nice to be up here in the Catskills.
A great place for families.
And as you know, these days, in family life, - you got to have a dog.
- (LAUGHING) Last week, I went up to Connecticut, 'cause in Connecticut, I found out they have very exclusive kennel clubs.
I'll tell you how exclusive one kennel club was up there.
Little sign outside said "No dogs allowed.
" Really, Astrid, you have nothing to be concerned about.
Well, that's the problem.
I don't remember what I said.
I was so weak from fasting.
I just have this sense that somehow I blew it.
No, no, you said nothing unusual.
- Good.
I feel better.
- Mm-hmm.
PHIL: very interesting: they let the dog pick out his own name.
He hears the name, he knows it, he turns around and he answers.
So I tried it out.
I said "Prince," he went "Ruff.
" I said "King," he went "Ruff.
" I said "Spotty," he went "Eh " Because, to tell you the truth Are you as funny as him? What? The comedian.
Phil Foster.
Are you as funny as him? Are we doing this now? - Doing what? - Yeah, what are you guys talking about? What are we talking about? It's a secret, okay? You know secrets, Noah.
Are we not allowed to have secrets? - What's secret? What's going on? - Nothing is going on.
I'm just trying to enjoy the comedian.
We all are, Abe.
A lot of talking going on during the comedian.
Are you? PHIL: I said, "I don't care about the dog's parents.
" He said, "I'm not talking about the dog's parents " - Yes.
- Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (BAND BEGINS PLAYING) - Astrid? - (SHOUTS) What? Is anything wrong? You tell me.
Is anything wrong? I was just asking you to dance.
I thought you were gonna accuse me of something.
- Yeah, sure.
Let's dance.
- Shirley Maisel, it's time to trip the light fantastic, you big winner.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
Come on, Abe.
I don't want to.
We can dance here, or we can dance in Paris.
We started with a dance.
Want to end with one? Sure.
It was all so different this year.
I'm glad you came, though.
Me, too.
I guess it's time we dance with someone else.
I guess so.
("DANCE THIS MESS AROUND" BY THE B-52'S PLAYING) Remember When you held my hand Say, remember When you were my man Walk, talk In the name of love Before you Break my heart Dance on over Yeah Roll it over in your mind Why don't you dance with me I'm not no Limburger Why don't you dance with me I'm never no Limburger Oh, yes, I Why don't you dance with me I'm not no Limburger Oh, just a Limburger.

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