The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s02e08 Episode Script


1 - (LAUGHTER) - You know the saying, "Walk a mile in a man's shoes"? I mean, think about that.
The perspective that gives you.
Well, I took it to heart, put on a pair of my husband's shoes, and, my God, were they comfortable.
I get it now, why men rule the world no high heels.
They can walk faster, and their backs don't hurt.
I'm divorcing my husband, but I am keeping the fucking shoes.
Thank you, everybody.
I'm Mrs.
I'm on the road the next few days, but, unlike your innocence, I'll be back.
- Good night! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - (MUSIC PLAYING) - Great set.
Hey, thanks.
I can never tell if they're talking about the boobs - or the comedy.
- That guy was a dancer in Pal Joey.
He wasn't talking about your boobs.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- Uh, what is she doing? - I don't know.
It's a pen.
- Oh, she wants your autograph.
- Really? Wow.
This is really cool.
How's it look? Lose the heart.
Really? Doesn't make it stand out? No, it makes it look like a third grader signed it.
And thanks.
Thank you.
I just signed my first autograph.
- And check this out.
- Hmm.
Our first road itinerary.
Let's go over it.
Not necessary, I know it by heart.
Days one and two, D.
Day three, Philly.
Day four, Harrisburg.
Day five, back home for the gig at the new club on 23rd.
I mean, I typed it up all fancy.
One for each of us.
Even fixed my "S" key.
- But you don't need it.
- No, no, no, let me see it.
- I'll just use it as toilet paper.
- Let me see it.
- You spelled "itinerary" wrong.
- Damn.
It's impressive.
Just remember the most important part: day one, tomorrow, depart New York City 1:30 p.
- Got it? - I will not be late.
Okay, I got Montana, North Carolina, Utah, - Wisconsin - We'll do this later, Jackie.
Do what? What is this? The plates for you to switch on the car.
Why are we switching the plates on the car? Well, it it's technically stolen.
There's nothing technical about it.
It's fucking stolen.
I like Utah.
They'll think you're Mormon and leave you alone.
I mean, no one talks to Mormons unless they have to.
- You said it's your mother's car.
- It is.
You stole your mother's car? Hey, she stole my childhood.
I think we're even.
What if we're pulled over and they run our plates? - I'll handle it.
- Great plan.
We'll just cross our fingers and hope for the best.
It's how I live my life just sort of half-assed and completely random.
I want no part of this, okay? Fine.
Have no part of it.
Take Wyoming.
SUSIE: Wyoming? Why? Wyoming's full of cowboys and tough hombres, and cops are less likely to pull us over 'cause they won't want to mess with us.
Plus, it's got a horse, and I like the horse.
I had a feeling that was it.
So, 1:30 tomorrow.
See ya, partner.
Pew, pew.
(BLOWS) Lose Wyoming.
("OOMP WADDLE DICKIE DUCK" PLAYING) Dickie the duck went out walking one day He wanted some ducks to come over and play He quack, quack, quack, quacked as he waddled along You tire of Chopin? No, I like Chopin very much.
What are you doing? Working.
Or trying to.
You do know that's Ethan's record.
Hence the references to "Ducky Waddles ha ha ha.
" - (MUSIC STOPS) - Don't you have some dirty jokes - to go tell? - Told 'em.
So, whatcha doin'? Our Bell Labs speech synthesis team is going to be the first in the world to teach a computer to sing.
But I need to find precisely the right song.
It has to have a simple melody with a maximum one-octave range and, ideally, very few diphthongs in the lyrics.
Ethan's records are perfect.
You're not gonna want that one.
It's just barnyard sounds.
I signed my first autograph tonight.
A complete stranger asked you to put your signature down on a piece of paper and you did it? Yes.
She was very excited, too.
Well, of course she was.
Now she can forge your signature on a check.
It was a really good show tonight.
You know, when you saw me at the Concord, it wasn't exactly my regular act, Papa.
I saw you, and I got nervous.
You made me nervous.
And that made you vulgar? No.
I just I have a gig in the city when I get back.
Nice club.
Maybe you'd like to come.
- It's too far.
- Nearby is too far? I mean I'm very busy.
I just think if you saw me at a normal gig, you might feel better about it.
Don't worry about me.
How about Mama? How's she feeling? Marry Benjamin, and everything will be fine.
I don't know if I'm going to marry Benjamin.
Marry somebody, and everything will be fine.
- Okay.
- To be clear, I mean marry somebody at city hall.
I'm not going to pay for fake snow and papier-mâché reindeer again.
$400 for embroidered yarmulkes that say "Midge and Joel forever.
" Explain that to an orphan.
If I see one, I will.
I'm sorry, Papa.
I know that all this stuff with me, with Noah Miriam, please, I have no time to concern myself with my children's feckless behavior.
I'm a man of science, engaged in complex research at the highest levels on incredibly important scientific matters.
BOY: I went to the bathroom by myself ADULTS: Big, big boy went by himself BOY: I took some paper Wiped myself ADULTS: Wiped his bottom by himself There's a fair amount that works in this one.
Unfortunately, computers don't use the bathroom.
BOY: I went to the bathroom - By myself - Big I have no idea what to get.
I haven't been out of the house in a month.
Archie's mother keeps sending us corned beef and cabbage.
The whole apartment building smells like Downtown Dublin.
Well, order as much as you want.
It's all on me.
This is a purely guilt-motivated "I'm sorry" lunch.
I love your quaint Jewish traditions.
- Ooh, who's that? - Oscar Udenosky.
- Is he famous? - He's a dentist.
I thought he was famous.
What's kishka? Jewish haggis.
No, thank you.
Oh, who's that? - Bertha Frisk.
- Is she famous? She's the bingo queen of St.
Does that count? I thought there were going to be famous people here.
It is called the Stage Deli, not the Boring Everyone Normal Eats Here Deli.
- Couldn't get all those letters on the sign.
- I was hoping it would be like when Lucy went to the Brown Derby and saw William Holden and got so nervous she buttered her hand instead of her bread.
I can see a dentist at Lindy's.
I need some excitement.
See that guy over there in the gray suit? Marty Segal.
Yesterday, he scored his first Copa gig.
- Big, big deal.
- Huh.
He just spilled coffee on his suit.
Does the Copa know about that? That may be his opening bit.
Gregory Peck came in once.
- He did? - Came in and ate lunch.
Right over there.
Are you lying? Never mind.
Don't care.
I love Gregory Peck.
Congratulations on the Copa.
Put some club soda on that, Marty.
What can I get for you two? Oh, shoot.
I haven't finished looking.
Allow me.
Verla, my dear friend Imogene here will have the hot pastrami Reuben on rye, chicken in a pot, potato knish, matzo ball soup, cheese Danish, a lime rickey, and a couple of black-and-whites for dessert.
- And some Bromo-Seltzer to go? - You bet.
Coming right up.
That's exactly what Gregory Peck ordered.
Are you lying? Never mind.
Don't care.
This is so exciting.
- Hey, Midge.
- Hey, Eugene.
How'd the Florida gig go? I did ten minutes on bad shellfish.
The place went nuts.
Oh, you never told me Grace Kelly was your friend.
Easy, boy.
Those tits are just temporary.
- (GASPS) - Oh, sorry.
- What? - (WHISPERS): I can't believe what you said.
In a restaurant.
Oh, he's a comic.
Th that's just how we talk.
It's just I've never heard you Oh, my.
He looked at my He didn't mean anything by it except that your boobs are enormous.
And they are.
Mazel tov.
Oh, my God.
A man looked at my I should tell Archie.
Should I tell Archie? Deep breaths, honey.
And I have never heard you talk like that before.
- I'm sorry.
- Midge, you cannot do that at my shower.
If my mother heard you say T-I-T-S, she would well, she might not do anything because she won't know what you're talking about, - but please don't.
- Imogene, I promise, I am throwing the most beautiful baby shower in the world for my very best friend.
And, I promise, I will be on my very best behavior.
So, did Gregory Peck really eat over there? And Cary Grant joined him for dessert.
(BELL DINGS) This car is unkempt, to say the least.
Hey, lady, I could use another hand.
I have to make sure nothing back here gets crushed and wrinkled.
Who knows if they have irons where we're headed? Ah! Motherfucker! Fuck my mother! Hey, what the hell? Oh.
Did you need that? That's my shit.
- It is? In that? - Yes.
Just because it's not wrapped in a pink box like some party cake doesn't make it garbage.
Why didn't you bring a suitcase? I don't have one.
What do you use for vacations? - My imagination? - Sorry, I thought your stuff was packed in the little suitcase in the back.
The suitcase thing's a tape recorder.
I'm gonna tape all your road sets so we can study 'em when we get back.
- That's a great idea.
- Thanks.
Here's another one.
Stop sounding so surprised when I have a great idea.
Now, please, just hold the plate up.
- The screw won't go in.
- No way.
I have two priors.
I can't risk another arrest.
Never mind.
Just go over your set for tonight.
Oh, I have been.
Do you think I can do the bit about Eisenhower's penis in D.
or will the Secret Service not like it? - I could say "sausage.
" - Eh, they'll know you mean "penis.
" Maybe I'll say "penis" but not "Eisenhower's penis.
" I'll put "Eisenhower's penis" in the Philadelphia set.
I think Eisenhower's penis is a slam dunk wherever you put it.
America, here we come.
Lift your ass.
- I'm sorry? - You got to lift your ass - or the car won't start.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
- Why? Am I a mechanic? Just pick it up so we can go.
I do a version of this - in my Helena Rubinstein class.
- (ENGINE STARTS) Good for the thighs.
- Can I put my butt down now? - Almost.
- The car's moving.
- Few more seconds.
You're just screwing with me now, aren't you? Yep.
The Eisenhower penis tour has begun.
- Mm.
- (HONKS HORN) I'm gonna Live till I die I'm gonna laugh 'stead of cry I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down I'm gonna live, live, live till I die They're gonna say Is Senator Kennedy running for president, do we think? - (SCATTERED AGREEMENT) - It's up to Jackie.
You know she wears the pants in that family.
- (LAUGHTER) - And she wears them well.
Seriously, have you seen how easily that woman wears linen pants? Linen.
The material that wrinkles while you're ironing it.
I believe the Kennedys will stand up for Americans.
Because, really, if Jackie sits down for ten seconds, that whole outfit goes to shit.
- (LAUGHTER) - I hope he runs, because he'll restore the science funding that Eisenhower cut.
Science is big in my family because my father works at Bell Labs.
And I was very excited when he got this job.
The greatest scientific minds in the world all in one building, solving the world's problems.
I came home the other day and found him listening to my four-year-old's record, a song about teaching yourself how to wipe your ass - after going to the bathroom.
- (LAUGHTER) He told me he's listening to it because at work, they're trying to teach a computer to sing.
And I believed him at the time, but now I'm wondering: does my father not know how to go to the bathroom? - (LAUGHTER) - And if that's true, who taught me? Because my mother never goes to the bathroom.
Or eats.
Or Fire! Fire in the kitchen! Everybody out! - To the exits, now! Go, go! - What? Why? What what's going on? CLUB MANAGER: There's a fire.
Everybody out.
Move to the exits, now! Go! Okay, folks, I guess everybody's supposed to leave.
- SUSIE: No! Keep talking! - Are you not hearing me? - There's a fire in the kitchen! - Well, of course there is.
It's how you fuckin' cook things.
I'm Mrs.
Thank you.
Good night.
If you catch on fire, stop, drop and roll.
You have water in that kitchen? You can put fire out with water.
- You know that, right? - Susie, please.
I've got a lot of flammable product in my hair.
We'll die if we just stand here.
- So you die on stage.
What a way to go.
- Move! - Aw, come on, it hasn't even hit this room yet.
- It will.
- I told you it wasn't gonna be The Ritz.
It's fine.
Big enough.
Drawers open.
Lights light.
There's the parking lot, so we can watch the car.
Hi, car.
It's good.
Guess we share the dresser.
How many drawers do you think you'll need? (SIGHS) Looks like one.
Then I'll make do with the other five.
Hey, you put coins in the TV.
Are you not having fun? I just wanted you to finish your set.
I know.
I was on fire.
And then the place was, too.
- Maybe I set the fire.
- On the bright side, the guy paid us the whole take.
Plus we got out before the building collapsed.
So, go ahead and shower.
I know you want to.
I will.
As soon as the guy brings up my bags.
- What guy? - The guy who checked us in.
You think Vlad the Impaler in the lobby is bringing up your bags? - Yes.
- Based on what? Based on the fact that I said, "Just the two, thanks," and he nodded like he was gonna bring them up.
No, he nodded like he was gonna go through your luggage and whack off with your girdle stretched over his face.
- So no one's bringing up my bags? - No.
It's a motel.
You want 'em, you go get 'em.
- Do not look at me.
- Fine.
I'm gonna go down to get the bags and carry them up myself.
After all, this trip is about trying new things and expanding my horizons.
It's bags, not a threesome with Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller.
No, but it's steep stairs; no elevator.
Here, take this.
Sure you don't want to come? Mm.
Only you can expand your horizons, Miriam.
New things! Fuckin' weirdo.
This is like being back in college, sharing a room.
- Or a slumber party.
- Or jail.
You ever have slumber parties when you were a kid? If you count everyone falling asleep in the same room 'cause they were too drunk to get up a slumber party.
We used to play with a Ouija board and try to contact Valentino.
One time the lights flickered.
It was scary.
But fun.
One time my cousin came into my room at night and got on top of me.
I jabbed my finger into his eye, and he was blind for a week.
It was scary.
But fun.
- We could watch TV.
- Meh.
This late, it's just the test pattern with the Indian chief.
Just shut the lights off, and we'll both be snoring like buzz saws any minute.
- Oh.
- What? - You snore? - How would I know? I'm sleeping.
Well, has anyone ever told you you do? What kind of a sick fuck's gonna come into my room, listen to me sleep, then tell me about it? So no one you've ever shared a bed with has let you know? - Did you ask your cousin? - Really? The reason your husband left you? You wouldn't let him get any sleep.
(MIDGE CLEARS THROAT) (TAKES DEEP BREATH) Hey, remember when that really old lady was yelling "Take me, I'm on fire!" at the fireman? - Yeah.
- Then the fireman threw that blanket over her.
For a minute I thought he was gonna do it.
SUSIE: Give the old bird her dying wish.
MIDGE (BREATHILY): "Take me, I'm on fire.
" Hmm.
You should put that shit in your set tomorrow.
I'm opening with it.
Did she die? - Nah.
- Maybe in the act she'll die.
I think I can keep that funny.
Night, Susie.
- Hey, Susie.
- What? She wanted to slide down his pole.
Go to sleep.
(CHUCKLES): Pole's funny.
(MIDGE CHUCKLES) MIDGE: He's sleeping okay there? - JOEL: Like a rock.
He's doing great.
- Let me say hi.
Hey, Ethan.
It's Mommy.
Want to say hi? No.
She has to ring it.
- He doesn't want to talk to me? - Sure he does.
He just wants you to call back so the phone'll ring - especially for him.
- Okay.
Guess Mommy's made of coins.
One sec.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
- It's something.
What is it? - Leg hurts.
- What'd you do? - Why is this my fault? (PHONE RINGS) Hi, Mommy.
Hi, sweetie.
How Hello? Ethan? (PHONE RINGS) - Hi.
- What happened? Well, he doesn't really like talking on the phone.
He just loves answering it.
- He's forgotten me.
- No, he hasn't.
Two days, I've been gone.
Two days.
He's a kid.
I'll tell him you miss him.
And you can call collect, Midge.
That would have been a good idea about three dollars ago.
Wait, are you short? You got enough money for the trip? Sure.
I just don't carry it all around in quarters.
It makes my thighs look lumpy.
- Where are you two? - Gas station.
How's Susie's car? Does it run okay? Purrs like a really old, angry kitten.
- And she's a decent driver? - We go places and we get there.
Does she know how to change a tire? I'd assume so.
- Ask her.
- Joel.
Where'd you stay in D.
? I'm not sure I have enough coins to get through all three centuries - of the Spanish Inquisition.
- You know what? - Is she there? - Susie? Yeah.
Put her on.
I can give her some pointers on changing a tire.
Joel wants to know if you can change a tire.
What? Ugh.
Yes, I can change a stupid tire.
Now, listen, and you listen good.
I swear to motherfucking God, if anything happens to Midge on this trip, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
I don't care that you're a girl, or short, I will rip your head off and use it to play catch with my kid.
She's the mother of my children.
If you fuck this up, I want you to think of the worst possible thing that could ever happen to you, and I want you to triple it and add a hobbling.
You got it? Now apply the wheel wedges, remove the hubcaps, loosen the lug nuts, jack up the car and change the fucking tire.
Or call a goddamn cab.
Put Midge back on the phone.
Thanks for the tip.
Great guy.
Too bad you kids couldn't work it out.
I should go.
We have to get all the way to Philly.
Where are you staying when you get there? - I don't know.
Some motel.
- Uh-huh.
Put Susie on again.
Too late.
She limped off.
Really quickly.
Just be careful, okay? Will you? Please? Yes.
And kiss Ethan and Esther for me.
Show them a picture if you have to.
I will.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, scoot over.
Let's get going.
I got to take a break from driving; it's killing my leg.
- Meaning ? - You drive.
- I don't know how to drive.
- What? - I grew up in the city.
- How the hell do you plan a road trip with somebody and forget to mention that you can't drive? I did plan to learn a few years ago.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
For a second there, I thought maybe you didn't plan to learn a few years ago.
I even bought pink driving gloves.
I brought them with me.
Because we were gonna be in a car.
- You can wear them if you want.
- (SIGHS): Jesus Christ.
Ass up.
(ENGINE STARTS) (METALLIC CLATTERING) - Hey! Occupied! - Aren't I supposed to have a real dressing room? Or at least a door with a lock? Yeah, well, I guess I got a little busy making sure the place had, you know, a stage - and a place for an audience.
- A manager's supposed to request things like a dressing room with a door that locks.
I'm a total idiot.
What do you want me to say? Usually you show up to a gig in your show dress.
I forgot you'd need a place to change.
My fault.
- Learning lessons.
- Fine.
- Knock, asshole! - There's someone in here, asshole! - It's me, Dante! - Booker.
MIDGE/SUSIE: Sorry! DANTE: Your girl is on.
- Uh, we need a minute.
- And a lock for the door.
DANTE: Crowd is restless.
Get a move on.
- Zip me.
- How is the crowd? - DANTE: Good.
- Crowd's good.
- How do I look? - Like you're ready to take Philly.
DANTE: Hey, everybody.
Straight from the Big Apple - Sorry about the room.
- Sorry I yelled about the room.
- Let's do this.
- Give a big Philly welcome to Mrs.
Maisel! (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Well, hello, Philadelphia! Wow.
You said the crowd was good.
- They are good.
There's just not that many of them.
- MIDGE: I'm Mrs.
- Motherfucker.
- MIDGE: So, the first joke I was gonna tell you guys tonight has one of those "has anyone here ever" thingies.
But I realize the odds that anyone here has ever actually done the thing I was gonna ask if you had done are pretty darn low.
Just mathematically.
Unless it was something LIKE: Has anyone here - ever gotten alcohol poisoning? - (LAUGHTER) In which case the odds get pretty good again.
Because it's Philly.
I think there were more people in the room - when my son was born.
- (LAUGHTER) Maybe also when he was conceived.
Ma'am, the the tag is sticking out of your dress.
- Oh, my.
What a shithole.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING NEARBY) (MIDGE GASPS) What's the matter? I'm kind of digging the suspense here.
Well, hello.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Am I a fucking manager or what? I'll never unsee that.
The sheer size.
Go to bed.
Dream of puppies.
Well, hello.
- What now? - Nothing.
Just a lot of things to say hello to in this room.
- What? - Teeth.
- Teeth? - Teeth.
- False teeth? - Real teeth.
- Baby teeth? - Large teeth.
Adult teeth.
Or teeth from a really big baby.
Maybe a I got nothing.
I don't think I'll unpack tonight.
Or use the bathroom.
Or lie down.
Or sit down.
Or shut my eyes.
- Miriam.
- Hello.
You're on tour.
You got to sleep.
- Just keep your clothes on.
- I don't need sleep.
I can't sleep, anyway, because of your 'Cause of my what? What are you doing? Don't touch that.
You need to hear something.
I don't want to hear your D.
It's not my D.
I was going to wait until we got home, but (SUSIE SNORING ON TAPE) What is that? - That's you.
- Bullshit.
- Hold on.
- (SNORING GROWS LOUDER) - Jesus Christ.
- I'm sorry.
I recorded you when you were sleeping last night.
First of all, don't ever, ever touch the tape recorder.
Hear me? - And "B," that's the most sadistic - (ON TAPE): Tom Collins.
- Wait, what'd I just say there? - I think it was "Tom Collins.
" - Didn't know you liked gin.
- (SNORING CONTINUES) Tom Collins was my teddy bear.
- Oh.
- Turn it off.
I will.
I just think you should hear one more thing.
You really need to see a doctor.
- (SNORING RESUMES) You need to learn some manners, you know that? - I was just trying to help.
- Don't help me.
Write that down.
Look, I know it's embarrassing, but when I was little, my mother used to wake me up when I made unseemly noises to train me to be a ladylike sleeper.
For when I got married.
- She recorded you? - No.
She sat on the edge of my bed and shook me when I made a noise.
Freak doesn't fall far from the tree.
- One day you might thank me, Susie.
- Yeah? Well, you taped over the D.
gigs, so thanks for that.
Hope you remember your American Revolution joke word-for-word, 'cause it's gone.
You're really gonna stand there all night? It works for Francis the Talking Mule.
Suit yourself.
I'm sleeping in your bed, then.
Mine's taken.
- MIDGE: Good night.
- SUSIE: Fuck you.
- Counter.
- Coffee.
Come on.
Don't look.
(SIGHS) Hey, you have any idea what these weird bumps are? - I mean, is this, like, a local thing? - I'm 16.
I didn't ask if you'd ever been blown.
I asked about this.
I give.
You didn't get me any coffee.
Coffee, please.
Yeah, he's not coming back.
Probably on his way to therapy.
I knew it was bad, but when I looked in a mirror God.
Why didn't you tell me I looked like shit? I have my own problems, missy.
Oh, my God, your face.
- No kidding, my face.
- What happened? - What's it look like? Something bit me.
- It was the bed.
You laid on the bed.
Thank God I didn't lay on the bed.
What have you got in there that can fix this? Nothing.
You have 500 things in that case.
- You got nothing for bites? - I could do some mascara for you.
Maybe a little eyeliner.
- How's that gonna help? - It'll make your eyes look bigger, and that'll draw attention away from the rest of your face.
Hey, I have that all organized.
Yeah, this shit's got "skin" right there.
That'll make your welts look ten years younger.
There's more now.
Shit, they're still hatching.
This bite has a bite on it.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to the drugstore to see if there's someone there who can help me more than you, like a blind-mute baby with no arms.
(LINE RINGING) ABE (OVER PHONE): Hello? OPERATOR: Collect call from Miriam Maisel for Abe or Rose Weissman.
Do you accept the charges? I don't know.
What are my options? - MIDGE: Take the call.
- I'll take the call.
- OPERATOR: Go ahead, please.
- Hello, Papa.
Skip the niceties.
What do you need? MIDGE: I'm just calling to check in.
- How's the baby? - ABE: She's drooling.
- She's defecating.
- Does she miss me? I think unless she can fit you in her mouth, you are of no consequence to her at all.
- Anything else? - You're in a mood.
- Well, your mother has pulled a fast one.
- What now? She's throwing some sort of soiree and forgot to tell me.
Or you forgot to listen.
ABE: Now there's tables and chairs.
- They've taken over my study.
- Maybe it's her garden club? It's been ages since she's hosted them.
There's flowers and tables and streamers.
Streamers usually indicate music.
They drink some wine and talk about stamens.
- It'll be over in an hour.
- She's not even here.
She just left me like this to fend for myself.
- So where's the baby? - Glassware? She got rental glassware.
- Papa.
- The baby's with Rose at the beauty parlor.
- I just said that.
- You didn't, actually.
Miriam, I have to go.
I just heard the words "potato salad.
" There's only so much a man can take in his own house.
This stuff does not help at all.
You're supposed to blow on it.
(BLOWING) - Are they gone? - No.
Then get the fuck away from me.
I have to go change.
("TRAVELIN' MAN" BY RICKY NELSON PLAYING) I'm a travelin' man I've made a lot of stops all over the world Aren't you supposed to keep both hands on the wheel? Thought you didn't know how to drive.
I know how not to drive.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING) - Was that thunder? - I didn't hear anything.
- I definitely heard a rumble, and I didn't bring my rain mac because you said not to, Susie.
I didn't tell you not to bring your rain mac 'cause I don't know what a rain mac is.
It's a fashionable cover to keep you dry, and I left it at home because you said the weather was gonna be good.
- I repeated what the paper said.
- I would've brought my rain mac, I would've brought my galoshes, I would've brought - Potato salad.
- What? Stop the car.
Stop the car.
I can't just stop the car.
Pull over.
Pull over.
Oh, yay, more booties.
Thanks, Nancy.
Bring more napkins.
- They're going through a lot of them.
- Yes, ma'am.
IMOGENE: Good, a bonnet and booties.
Bemis works at a bank, but all he wants is time alone to read his precious books.
It's his passion.
- I love books.
- Anyway Why is no one answering the phone? His wife's a shrew, so he can't read at home.
She won't let him.
And he wears these really thick reading glasses, you see? Anyway, he finally decides to hide out in the bank vault.
All right, I'll answer it.
DON: What's this program called? ABE: The Twilight Zone.
- ARCHIE: Never heard of it.
- ABE: It's new.
- Hello? - MIDGE (DISTORTED): Hello? ABE: While our man is in the vault, there's a nuclear war.
- They drop the H-Bomb.
- ROSE: Hello? - Wow.
- (CHUCKLES) Didn't see that comin'.
- Neither did he.
But there's another twist.
- I love twists.
Miriam, is that you? - I can barely hear you.
- Miriam's on the phone? I forgot about the baby shower.
- Did you? I hadn't noticed.
- MIDGE: Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
I I must've gotten the dates mixed up.
I've been so busy getting ready for the tour, and then Papa said "potato salad.
" I'm so sorry.
It's today.
- ROSE: Where are you? - MIDGE: A pay phone - in Pennsylvania.
- She's not gonna make it? - ROSE: Apparently not.
- Wait.
Wait, it's still happening without me? You're right.
We should reschedule.
I'm sure Imogene can cross her legs - and hold it in.
- She's not coming? - I'm sure there's a good reason.
- ARCHIE: Can you tell Imogene? I'll wait here behind the table.
And Donny.
- Put Papa on.
- Abe? Hold on, let me finish this.
So, Mr.
Bemis is the sole survivor because he was in the vault, and for the first time, he's lonely.
Burgess Meredith plays this with a lot of pathos.
But then he finds the ruins of the library.
- ROSE: Abe.
- ABE: Mr.
Bemis is overjoyed at the sight of all the books with all the time in the world to read.
- But then - Does he break his glasses? And there's no one to fix 'em.
You made a big deal about his glasses before.
Is that right? (CHUCKLES) That's great.
- Hello? - Papa, why didn't you tell me - they were setting up for Imogene's shower? - I did.
You said it was the garden club.
No, you said it was the garden club.
- Put me on speakerphone, please.
- Why? Take me to the living room and put me on speakerphone.
Hello? Am I on? It's working.
Explain yourself.
Hi, everyone.
- ALL: Hi.
- Imogene, can you hear me okay? - Yes, Midge.
- You sound far away.
I'm not.
You are.
Honey, I am so sorry.
I'm here in Pennsylvania, and I'm stuck, and I have no excuse.
- And I want everyone to hear it.
- Whoa.
I am a terrible person, but I want you all to know - I am sorry, and I love my friend Imogene.
- (HORSE NEIGHS) You're not a terrible person, Midge.
MIDGE: I am.
I am terrible, and I just have to live with that.
- But I hope you liked the cupcakes.
- IMOGENE: I did.
And the little sugar babies on top.
- A little creepy eating babies, but delicious.
- MIDGE: Good.
Oh, your present.
Imogene, you should get your present.
- That's okay.
- No, it's in my bedroom, but I didn't have a chance to wrap it yet.
There's a Bendel's bag.
Run and get it.
- She's not supposed to run.
- No, I didn't mean she should run.
I'll get it when you're back.
Take a picture for me, Archie? I didn't bring my camera.
MIDGE: Borrow my father's.
Uh, well, I guess I shouldn't hold up the party any longer.
Everybody go back to having fun.
Bye, Midge.
And, Midge, it's beautiful.
I'm glad.
Bye, everyone.
ALL: Bye.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Hey! Hey! What are you doing? - There's a storm.
- So what? She has a gig here tonight.
This is Mrs.
- You're the singer? - No.
- She's the comedian.
- Well, sorry.
No one's showing up in this weather.
There's a 50% chance the roof'll cave in.
Call me.
We'll rebook for next week.
Sure, we're in Harrisburg all the time.
Can't get enough of that Civil War Museum.
Hey! - Crap.
- Susie.
- What? - It's raining.
(SUSIE GROANS) How does he know no one's coming? He's an idiot.
That's how he knows.
He knows nothing.
Well, then let's stop dealing with idiots.
Everyone in this idiotic business is an idiot.
You ever meet someone in show business who's not an idiot, then they're an asshole.
It's a business of idiots and assholes.
I could've gone to the shower.
Goddamn it.
Let's go.
- (IGNITION SPUTTERING) - Oh, come on.
You ever read the Book of Job? My mom read it to me every year on my birthday.
- You can put your ass down now.
- Why? This car isn't going anywhere.
Well, motel's probably foul, anyway.
This was a big screwup, Susie.
Hey, I didn't force that guy to close his club.
I didn't break the wiper, and I definitely didn't make it rain.
So what now? Walk to the motel? Sure.
Although we are out of money.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (CAR HORNS HONKING) We'd have beaten the traffic if you knew how to read a stinkin' map.
We'd have beaten the traffic if you had woken us up earlier.
What am I, a fucking rooster? - (HORN HONKS) - (MAN SHOUTING) What do you want me to do, asshole? Half of Jersey is parked in front of me! God, it's like I have a twin who's a middle-aged whore.
I need it to see.
We're gonna die in this tunnel.
Something to look forward to.
No time to shower.
What do I do? You're a comic, not Miss America.
Just go on stage looking like shit.
Oh, so now I look like shit? What, are we married all of a sudden? You're my manager, you're supposed to care how I look.
Wait, wait, Miriam.
Look, look.
We're out of Jersey.
- We are? - That's the line; we crossed the line.
- We're in New York.
- We're in New York.
We're in New York.
We're in New York.
Take that, assholes! We are back in New York City! - WOMAN: Shut up! - (MAN SHOUTING) Mm.
We will die of old age in this tunnel.
At least place of death won't be New Jersey.
- You, where's Ricky? - Manager? - Yes, yes.
- By the bar.
It's a two dollar cover tonight.
- We're talent! - The what? I'm I'm one of the comedians tonight.
Maisel? We got caught in this horrible traffic, almost ran out of gas in the Holland Tunnel.
Is there a place where I can - Stop talking.
- Hey.
Susie Myerson.
You're late! We got stuck in the Holland Tunnel.
- Hey.
- Maisel.
- Drink.
- I need a mirror.
You look great.
- I should change.
- No time.
- Get right to the good stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
Hit 'em hard and fast.
Good? (GRUNTS) Tits up.
Hey there, ladies and gentlemen.
What the fuck am I doing? Go.
Just fucking clap.
Magda Goebbels, ladies and gentlemen.
Poisoned her dogs and all six of her children in honor of the Fuhrer, but now hiding in Manhattan and giving stand-up comedy management a go.
Thank you, Magda.
So, how ya doing? How am I doing? How do I look like I'm doing? I'm fucking exhausted.
And sore.
And late I don't mean "my time of the month.
" Although I'd prefer an unplanned pregnancy - to the day I just had.
- (LAUGHTER) We almost ran out of gas in the Holland Tunnel.
That would've been fun.
As if people coming from Jersey need something else to be angry about.
So I can't tell you how good it is to be back - (SUSIE SNORING ON TAPE) - Shit.
- Professional comedy.
- (LAUGHTER) I'm really glad to be back in New York City, my home.
Where I have so many friends who hate me.
So much family who are disappointed in me.
Where my children live until they abandon me.
That's why New York is so great, though.
Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters.
Who needs love when you've got lox? They both stink but only one tastes good.
(LAUGHTER) Ladies and gentlemen, fellow assholes, you've been awfully nice to come home to.
I'm Mrs.
Thank you and good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, what were those weird animal noises on the tape recorder? Can we just settle up? It's been a rough fucking week.
Yeah, we all had a rough week.
Thanks for auditioning; I'll pay ya next time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This wasn't an audition.
Are we ready to go? Please say we're ready to go.
- He's not paying us.
- What? Prick Rick.
He's not paying us.
He has to pay us.
We have a contract.
We don't have a contract.
Why don't we have a contract? Because you're doing comedy, not rezoning the building.
He owes us money.
And I really, really need to shower.
- Yeah.
No shit.
- Fuck you.
Wait here.
Hey, tough guy, you pay the guys and you don't pay the girls? Listen, you were late, and no one was drinking.
How do you think we make our money? - Everybody was drinking.
- And it wasn't a bar deal.
Next time.
Go home.
- Clean up.
- Hey.
- Stay here.
- Susie, wait.
We are not leaving without our money.
Stay here and watch the tape recorder.
- Susie? - SUSIE (MUFFLED): Hey.
- (DOORKNOB RATTLING) - Susie, where are you? - I'm in the janitor's closet.
- Did you get the money? Oh, yeah, I'm in here counting it right now.
- Really? - No.
What's wrong with you? I'm tired, that's what's wrong with me.
How did you get in there? That psycho shoved me in.
Unlock the door.
I I think you need a key.
I'm gonna kick his nuts so hard they're gonna be popping out of his nose.
- I'm calling the police.
- What are you, an idiot? You don't call cops to come to a nightclub.
Just give me a minute to think.
That wasn't a minute.
Ow! Fuck! I did the gig.
We were late, but I killed.
And the asshole just won't pay us.
Because he's an asshole.
And I kicked a door and I can't leave without Susie.
So I'm stuck.
And I stink, and I scuffed my shoe, and I broke my toe and I want my goddamn money.
- What's this asshole's name? - Susie.
I know Susie; I meant the other asshole.
- Ricky.
- Ricky! Hey, Ricky! - MIDGE: That's him.
- What's this? - You locked her manager in a closet? - What? No.
It was a joke.
Lighten up.
We're in the comedy business, man.
- Let her out.
- Sheesh.
No sense of humor.
- JOEL: Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Did he do that? - What? This? - Oh, no.
The bed ate me.
See - I don't want to know.
Now pay them.
- She was late.
- Ten minutes.
Doesn't matter.
Pay her what you owe her.
So you're her manager.
I'm her manager, Ricky.
You know that.
- So who are you? - JOEL: What's it matter? I like to know who I'm talking to.
- JOEL: I'm her husband.
- Her husband? Well, why the fuck don't you keep her MIDGE: Joel.
Wherever that sentence was going, it was gonna end up like that anyway.
A whole new light, pal.
Now pay her what you owe her.
You're lucky I don't sue you.
MAN: Hey, your nose is bleeding.
I miss something here? - You the owner? - Yeah.
You let guys like that run your business? - He's my sister's kid.
- Family's nice.
Doesn't mean he can run your business.
Get some people working for you who respect the talent.
That's talent.
She could put this shithole on the map someday.
Wake the fuck up.
Yeah, and you also have to buy your janitor a new plunger.
The one in there is old and sad and lost its suction.
- Is it all there? - Yup.
Nice doing business with you.
MIDGE: You got to teach me how to do that one day.
I'm gonna grab a cab home.
You want me to drop you? No.
I started this road trip with Susie and I kind of want to finish it with her.
Thank you, Joel.
You didn't have to call him.
Unfortunately, sometimes to make things work in a man's world, you need a man.
That's just the way it is, Susie.
I would have found a way to take care of it.
You may be some kind of damsel in distress, but I'm not.
No, you were a damsel in di-closet.
Your commission.
You're counting it? Really? Force of habit.
What the ? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) How was Pennsylvania? - Mama, what happened? - What happened? There was a baby shower.
Did you forget again? Should we have you checked out by a doctor? But it was yesterday.
- I mean, where's Zelda? - Zelda? Oh, no.
It's your mess.
Good night.
("SOMEDAY" BY THE STROKES PLAYING) In many ways Still miss the good old days Someday, someday Yeah, it hurts to say But I want you to stay Sometimes, sometimes When we was young Oh, man, did we have fun Always, always Promises They break before they're made Sometimes, sometimes Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth I will do my best You say you want to stay by my side Darling, your head's not right I say, alone we stand Together, we fall apart Yeah, I think I'll be all right I'm working so I won't have to try so hard Tables, they turn sometimes Oh, someday Now, I ain't wasting no more time Ooh Trying, trying.

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