The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s03e02 Episode Script

It's the Sixties, Man!

1 (LAUGHTER) So, I'm about to go on the road for a while.
Isn't it weird how, when you're away from home, you start missing the little things you never really thought about, like your kids? - (WEAK LAUGHTER) - Oh.
I thought that would do better.
I guess you all like kids.
To each his own.
Okay, well, I have kids.
And, you know, everybody seems to get so angry when you bring one on a plane.
But if the airlines don't want them, why do they provide those little child-size bottles of booze? - (WEAK LAUGHTER) - Wow.
Not in a laughing mood tonight, huh? You know, th-there's a Bergman film playing down the street.
It's about black death.
Maybe you should've gone to that.
Maybe something's missing from my set.
What could it be? What could it be? Oh, I know.
A catchphrase.
Yeah, that way I could do a bunch of crappy jokes, then save them with one of my patented zingers.
Something like "Have yourself a scoop of that!" - Or "Dock that in your harbor.
" - (LAUGHTER) Or "Stuff that in your pierogi.
" Yeah.
Guess I'm a little nervous.
I'm opening for Shy Baldwin.
- (ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE) - Oh, yeah, him you like.
But I won't be on the road by myself.
I'll have a support system.
My manager Susie Myerson.
(LOUD BOOING) I see you've met.
You know, she's always believed in me, Susie.
She's pushed me to get better and better.
Sometimes off a cliff, but irregardless, I'm loyal to her for that.
Because, really, if there's no loyalty, what's the point of a partnership? They say if you want loyalty, get a dog.
But even the most loyal dog will stick its head in your neighbor's cooze 'cause it wants to get scratched.
I mean, it doesn't mean the dog doesn't like you, it just means the dog isn't that fucking picky.
All right.
Thanks, everybody.
I'm Mrs.
Good night.
(APPLAUSE) Good job, Midge.
Really good.
I'm sorry, were you even listening? Oh, no, don't get me wrong, you were awful.
It was like sitting at my grandmother's deathbed all over again, but without snacks.
Thanks for the feedback.
Hey, better to crap out now then in front of a thousand people in Vegas.
That would be disastrous.
Really, Jackie, you're giving me a big head.
Yeah, your head looked bigger tonight, too.
So what was that, exactly, all that loyalty stuff? Just trying to be inspirational to my audience.
Well, maybe skip trying to be inspirational when you open for Shy and just stick to the funny.
I mean, you're not opening for the fucking Buddha.
Always a help.
- Is that what you really think? - What? That I'm sticking my head in Sophie Lennon's cooze.
I was speaking in general terms.
Well, try to be specific.
Maybe that'll get you some laughs.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And by the way, "irregardless"? It's not a word.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
It's "regardless.
" That's the word.
Well, I say irregardless.
Just trying to be inspirational.
Well, you've inspired me.
- Go announce the next act.
- I don't want to miss anything.
Look, I JACKIE: Okay, if you think multiple ocarinas playing at the same time is depressing, then you really should have gone to the fucking Bergman film.
(LAUGHTER) Miriam Weissman! God.
Fulber, you scared me.
What's with all the noise from your apartment? There's some sort of party going on.
Let me check.
I'm just getting home.
- From where? - I was out.
- On a school night? - Yes.
- With boys? - I got to go, Mrs.
- Brush your teeth.
- You're not my babysitter anymore.
ABE: despite laws.
EZRA: 'Cause the laws are set by capitalists.
ALAN: The rich have been using the Constitution to justify their crimes against the poor.
MADELINE: Marx was the true purist.
Lenin's the little boy who dumped his bowels on Karl's genius.
I've never heard it put quite that way, but I agree with the general sentiment.
Hello all.
Ah, Miriam.
Let me introduce you to some new friends.
This is Ezra, Alan, and Madeline.
Everybody, this is my daughter Miriam.
- Hello.
- I met my lawyer at the White Horse Tavern and fell into a conversation with these three, and it was getting late, and they were closing up.
So I invited them here.
They're starting a weekly paper.
More of a revolutionary broadsheet.
And we think Abe should be a part of it.
Sounds great.
It's nice you're making friends.
We were all just debating what to call it.
And the final choices are The New Jive and It's the Sixties, Man! Two timeless names.
MADELINE: Alan came up with both of those.
He's so expressive.
This was a little distracting at first, but you get used to it.
And the comrades in the study? I did not know they were there.
Yeah, that's Corey and Bishop.
We invited them to come and bunk here.
Okay, gang, so carry on.
But if you could carry on a little quieter.
Ideas are thunderclaps.
Right, but maybe smaller thunderclaps for now and louder ones another time.
Good night.
Okay, guys, the first edition should include a mission statement.
I agree.
There's no point in being subtle.
It's the '60s, man.
ABE AND GUESTS: And the last fight Let us face ABE: Everybody! The Internationale - What?! - Unites.
(ABE AND GUESTS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Your arrest was a gift from God, Abe, but now we got to exploit it.
Publicize it, get you out there and make you the face of free speech.
I want that.
I want to be the face.
You're the perfect image for the cause.
Someone people can trust.
An éminence grise.
I've always wanted to be an éminence grise.
I'm gonna get your work notebooks back from Bell Labs.
I'm peppering the shit out of them with motions, hearings.
In fact, I got something you got to sign right now.
They're my ideas, my thoughts.
They belong to you.
This is the last of the butter cookies.
All right.
Hey, you're communists, for Christ's sake.
- Sorry.
- Of course.
I can make eggs for anyone who wants some.
It's all right, Zelda.
I'm sure having a maid waiting on them like this, serving butter cookies, is such a violation of their proletariat values.
No, Abe, it's good, it's fine.
Yeah, it helps us understand what we're fighting against.
You've yelled, you've argued, you've counterargued, you've banged tables, you've banged walls, you've sung.
"The Internationale.
" And a Chuck Berry song? We were taking a well-earned break.
You've clapped hands, you've clinked glasses.
Someone was loud in the bathroom.
- Sorry? - ABE: You used the bathroom? - There was more singing.
- Which bathroom? - Miriam.
- Michael? You know Michael Kessler? How do you know Michael Kessler? What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? - I live here.
How do you know Michael Kessler? - He's my lawyer.
- He's my lawyer.
- What is he to you? - My father.
- Miriam's your daughter? - Why do you have a lawyer? - He was arrested.
- Why were you arrested? - For protecting a man's rights.
- What man? - Lenny Bruce.
- Come again? - The man you're dating.
- You're dating Lenny Bruce? No, I am not dating Lenny Bruce.
Excuse me, is Zelda part of this, or can she go make the eggs? Study.
Move, move, move.
Eggs, now.
Yes, miss.
What is happening? You told me to go see Lenny Bruce, so I did.
This is too much for my brain.
And more guys got in.
- ABE: I'll speak to Ezra.
- And where is Mama? How is she sleeping through the revolution? - She went home.
- This is home.
- No, she went to see her family.
- She went to Providence? She wants to talk to them about her share of the trust.
Oh, boy, she hates Providence.
But she needs a minimal lifestyle, and that takes money.
You know me.
I would sleep on the cold street if need be, without bedding, forage for food.
How do you want your eggs this morning, Mr.
Weissman? Uh, toad in the hole might be nice today.
I see your shoes are off.
- Are your corns bothering you again? - A tad.
We'll wash your feet, and I'll use - that pumice stone on them again.
- Perfect.
But your mother, she's not hearty like me.
She needs her creature comforts.
- And she's coming back? - From Providence? Of course she's coming back.
- And you're sure? - Of course I'm sure.
I'm pretty damn sure.
From Providence, she will come back.
The everlasting hills of Oklahoma They hold a million treasures To be found Golden grain on hills of green Wave to valleys Cool and clean Too bad some folks Have never seen The everlasting hills Of Oklahoma The everlasting tales Of Oklahoma Are told in clouded statues Howdy, Rosie! - (BELL CLANGING) - Rosie's home! Pioneers - Who long have gone - (WHISTLE BLOWS) Their wagon wheels - Rosie's home.
- Still rumble on When thunder peals Welcome home, my little Rosie.
Hello, Helda, good to see you.
Please let me help you out of the car, miss.
Oh, I can get out just fine, John.
Watch your step, miss.
Watch your step.
I'm watching it, thank you.
Are you tired, miss? You must be tired.
I'm a little tired, John.
- Do you need me to hold you up, little one? - No.
- Or John can carry you.
- I can walk on my own.
You look exhausted, miss.
- Your bag.
- I'm okay, Helda, I just - You truly must be on the verge of collapse.
- Your coat.
- Well, I'm weary, John, but not collapsing.
- You look flush.
Well, the car was warm.
Do you have heatstroke? You're prone to heatstroke.
I don't think so.
Do I look like ? Do you have the chills, miss? You're shivering.
Am I? I didn't think I was.
Is Mr.
Weissman coming, miss? - No, not this time, John.
- That's for the best.
The staircase incident is still talked about here.
Yes, well, what happened with the staircase was blown all out of proportion.
You look sickly pale, miss.
Do I? I don't feel like I am.
- Like a ghost.
- Where's Oscar? Is he around? Working.
Your brother is always working, miss.
- I would love to talk to him.
- Yeah.
You look ruddy, miss.
Do you have a fever? No.
Uh, maybe.
I feel a little warm.
We need to we need to get you upstairs.
- I'll send a cold compress up.
- Yeah.
And call the doctor.
Well, I guess you could call the doctor.
Remember how the stairs work, miss, it's one right after another.
I remember how the stairs work, Helda.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): All it takes is a little Winky Dink magic Get your coat on, kiddo.
We got to get you uptown.
Hey, I got some information on that club of yours in Chinatown; dug super deep.
Great, let's hear it.
I tracked down that guy that was there before my button guy.
He moved his operations up to Canada.
You believe that? Canada, of all places? Canada's cold.
Coats need buttons.
I met some Canadians in the army.
They put cheese curds on top of fries.
- Is that even legal? - (SCOFFS) And they put the queen on their money.
Not even their own queen.
Someone else's.
What'd he say about the place? Come here.
Come here.
There's something sketchy going on in the back.
I know there's something sketchy going on in the back.
- But he doesn't know what it is.
- I know what it is.
It's a gambling operation.
Well, then you know more than he does.
This has been incredibly helpful.
Do you mind if I tell him about the gambling operation? He'd get a big kick out of that.
Knock yourself out.
Come on, Ethan.
Hey, what's with the attitude? You're the one that signed the lease with some old guy who was speaking in tongues.
He was speaking Chinese, and, yeah, it was pretty stupid.
- I'm hungry.
- I know.
- Daddy - Did the Canadian button guy at least say anything about the owner? Is it the old guy who showed us around? - Said he never met him.
- Perfect.
I'll be back later.
- (ESTHER BABBLING) - Come on, Ethan.
I'm hungry.
Lunch is at Mommy's today, kiddo.
- Hang on for 20 minutes.
- There's Mommy.
We're going to Mommy's.
Mommy's at her apartment.
- There's Mommy.
- You got to learn a new song, buddy.
Mommy! What the hell? MAN: Uh What, you sick of your own wife's underwear? BEATNIK: I mean, open your eyes.
It's over for the Village.
It's a bunch of tourists with their goddamn Kodaks looking for junkies and "poets" to take a picture of.
Now, now, you go to Reggio, it's not poetry MADELINE: Zelda, this coffee's stale.
- We'll need fresh.
- Right away, Miss Madeline.
Second time I've asked.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) BEATNIK 2: What else do you have? Take a stand, man.
- Anti-industrialization.
- Now you're talking.
See, that's where Stalin was 100% wrong.
Total bullshit that accelerating industrialization was gonna make conditions fertile for communism and shared wealth - Papa? - ABE: Ah, thank God.
A familiar face.
- What is happening? - I don't know.
I think they're breeding.
And you let a banjo in the house.
They snuck that in here.
I don't know how.
This is a banjo-free zone, guys.
Please tell me they're not using my bathroom.
They're not using any bathroom.
- They're using your bathroom.
- What? For crying out Hey, I told you to use the super's bathroom - in the basement! - I walk into the wrong apartment? Depends on how you feel about overthrowing the government.
Zelda?! Could you take the kids to their room? After she pours the coffee, dear.
Now, if you don't mind.
Which side are you on? Zelda? - Zelda.
- Zelda.
I-I'm sorry.
Yes, yes.
Which side are you on? - EZRA: You know - What? This may not be the best environment for a young child.
Oh, workers, can you stand it? - Well, we're out of everything.
- Except smelly beatniks.
You'll contextualize all this for me another time? Sure, if I ever figure it out.
So, before I go, thought you might want to see this.
Oh, my God, what is this? It was taped to one of the guys' lockers.
- Came out of some local paper.
- This is the USO show.
You wanted to give the boys a peek at what they're fighting for? The wind blew up out of nowhere.
Lighting's good.
Your underwear really glows.
(STAMMERS) I didn't even know they took a picture.
And the angle.
Pretty sexy.
It's not funny.
Why is it sticky? Neither one of us wants to know.
(SIGHS) How did she let this happen? - Who? - Susie.
She's off her game.
Aren't I dealing with enough right now? Come on.
I've got some stuff for the kids you're gonna want at your place.
I specifically asked that you people not use the bathroom.
- I specifically - They're both asleep.
Thank you, Zelda.
Which side are you on? (WHISPERING): So, this is phase one.
Extra blankets, extra toys.
Ethan has different toys for different seasons.
You have different bobby pins for different seasons.
Moving out must be weird.
Lived in this building all my life.
On top of all the logistics of getting ready for the road, I'm saying goodbye to a really pretty apartment.
And then tomorrow, there's There's what? Court, for the divorce.
It's being finalized tomorrow.
That soon? I thought it was later.
It was, but with the tour and all, we got it moved up.
It's tomorrow at 3:00.
Good thinking.
Get it done.
It is good.
Good to get it over with.
So I'll see you there.
- Where? - At the proceeding.
- Tomorrow, 3:00, right? - Joel, this is just a formality.
They stamp a piece of paper.
You don't have to go.
I got you into this, I'll see it through to the end.
You sure? It's just a stamp on a piece of paper.
It's more than that.
I know.
I'll see you at 3:00.
(DISTANT): Which side are you on, which side are you on? (MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY) - You're late.
- No, I'm not.
- You mind? - Mush it.
You usually don't like me mushing your stuff.
(SIGHS) I've been waiting ten minutes.
I'm early.
I'm two minutes early.
I was ten minutes early.
Enjoying your soup? It's a bit salty today.
- Yeah, you and the soup.
- What? I thought we were eating together.
I thought we were just meeting.
We eat when we come to the Stage Deli.
It's a restaurant.
You weren't specific.
Hey, let's start the meeting.
- Shall we? - Fine.
So, I've been talking a bunch to Shy's guy Lou.
The more I talk to him, the more I'm convinced the train has left the station, but everyone I talk to seems like that, so whatever.
I'm not distracting you, am I? What is that? You haven't seen it? - That you? - It's a whole lot of me.
- That's the USO.
- The soldiers tip you off? What is this, the Daily Mirror? They shouldn't have printed this.
Why is it sticky? Someone should have stopped them.
- Who, me? - Who else? Verla? Hey, don't pull me into the middle of your fucking bicker-fest.
- I got my own problems.
- We're not bickering.
I can't control everything.
We're not talking about changing the course of an asteroid, Susie, we're talking about having some control over my image.
Well, what could I have done to stop this? Check every picture that every photographer took that day? There must have been at least a half a dozen of 'em.
Well, you should figure something out.
I'll figure something out.
I mean, forget about me, I'm not important, but Sophie Lennon, she wants total control over her image.
She told me so herself, so if there's a cheesecake photo of her out there, she is gonna be pissed.
Look, the only cheesecake photo Sophie Lennon's gonna have out there is a picture of her eating a giant fucking cheesecake, and I don't think guys are gonna be rubbing their willies over that.
She doesn't eat cheesecake.
It would be a picture of her making someone else eat cheesecake, then her being judgmental about it.
But you'll learn.
Anyway, everything's set for the first month of the tour.
I have to go.
- Really? - I thought we'd be done by now.
You haven't even finished your soup.
Hand me my stuff? Keep me posted.
Maybe we can have a meeting.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) (MAN SHOUTS IN DISTANCE) OSCAR (IN DISTANCE): Everything well, Chester? CHESTER: Everything's well, Mr.
OSCAR: Very good.
(MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) OSCAR: Everything well, Landry? - Everything's well, Mr.
- Very good.
- (BELL RINGING) - JOHN: Rosie's stepping out! HELDA: Rosie's going out! EMPLOYEE: Rosie's leaving the building! ROSE: Oscar! - (LAUGHS) - Rosie! Hello.
Mind your step, now.
It's treacherous territory out here.
It's nothing I'm not used to.
Got gopher holes in New York City now? No, but I grew up out here, don't forget.
(MAN SHOUTING IN DISTANCE) - (CHUCKLES) - Everything well, Joseph? - Everything's well, Mr.
- Very good.
Now, Rosie, you should be lying down, resting.
Oh, I've been resting ever since I got here.
I need to talk to you.
How's our little Miriam? Terrible thing about her marriage.
Well, she's coping.
She's a strong girl.
Strong? Where'd she get that? Oh, I don't know.
Grandmama, I suppose.
- Everything well, Landry? - Everything's well, Mr.
Very good.
And Abe? Last time I saw him, he was crumpled - at the foot of the stairs.
- Oh, he's fine.
- Miracle he didn't break his neck.
- He knows how to roll.
Still blaming the staircase for the fall? Well, the staircase is very close to the guest room door.
- He wasn't expecting that.
- But he had come up, though.
I mean, he had come up the stairs.
It was the middle of the night and it was quite dark.
I-it's the same stairs that bring you up that take you down.
- I know.
- Surprised he didn't blame the floor for hitting him.
- It's all forgotten.
- Well, if he chooses to come back, we'll put him on the ground floor.
He just has to mind the stairs coming up from the drive.
- Can he handle those? - I think he can.
- There's three of 'em.
- I know.
Third one's a doozy.
Well, here it is.
The spot where Grandmama set down to rest.
They don't make gals like that anymore.
- We owe everything to her.
- (SIGHS) So, little Rosie wants to talk? Yes, I do.
It's the trust fund, Oscar.
I've been getting the same amount for years, and now I need a little more? Figured that's what this was about.
I wouldn't ask if I didn't need to.
Rosie, do not be nervous.
I've already called a special meeting of the trust board for later today.
It's pro forma.
You will go home happy.
- Really? Oh, thank you, Oscar.
- Now, excuse me, but I've got to get back to work.
Oh, of course.
I'm interrupting.
Morning, Carlos.
Everything well? - Everything's well, Mr.
- Very good.
Everything well, Bo? BO: Everything's well, Mr.
OSCAR: Very good.
(PHONE RINGS) - Hello.
- SUSIE: Hey, Ethan, - it's Susie.
How's it hanging? - Good.
- Ah put your mother on.
- Okay.
Mommy, it's Susie! - Yep? - Just, uh, calling to remind you about the photo session today.
- 4:00 sharp.
- I know.
I'll be there.
It's three hours 'cause it's everything.
Uh, headshots, publicity photos, the whole works.
Time's gonna be tight.
You got outfits picked? - I'm bringing three.
- Good.
We can meet early so we can talk about I can't meet early.
I'll be in court.
- You get arrested again? - For my divorce.
- Before the photos? - I told you I was doing this.
- I don't think you did.
- Maybe I should've called Sophie and told her what my schedule is, and she could have told you, and then you'd remember.
No, that wouldn't be a good system, Miriam.
And you got to do it today? Susie, I don't want to fly back in the middle of the tour and miss shows to get this done.
I've got to do it now.
It's just, I made a nonrefundable down payment to the photographer.
It'll happen, unless you keep me on the phone.
Okay, go, but you better not cry and fuck up your face.
I won't.
I'll see you later.
JUDGE: And who took these pictures? LAWYER: Oh, the pictures were taken by a man hired by Mrs.
Daly to follow Mr.
Daly, Your Honor.
Meaning a private investigator licensed by the state of New York, I assume.
- Correct, Your Honor.
- Very good.
- Mrs.
Daly was forced - It should just be another minute.
- He's wrapping up here.
- Great.
Thank you, Leslie.
Another minute.
You okay? Okay-ish.
And you? I wore the wrong tie.
- What's the right tie? - I don't know.
- Not this one.
- Hey.
- Susie.
- I know you don't want me here, I just got to get you to that photo shoot.
We on time? Why is this judge talking so slow? Has he been talking this slow the whole time? Someone need to put another quarter in him? I don't need a fucking babysitter.
Actually, princess, you kind of fucking do.
You her lawyer? You talk fast? - Let's hear you talk.
- Jesus.
Hi, Susie.
- That's not our relationship.
- Go wait outside.
CLERK: Calendar number nine.
- Maisel v.
- SUSIE: Good.
Go, go, go.
Is she going into labor or something? Let's just do this before she has a complete conniption.
Judge Wagaman, good afternoon.
My name is Leslie Nunberg, and I'm representing Miriam Maisel in this matter.
Well, good afternoon, Mr.
Nunberg, Mrs.
- Good afternoon.
- So these proceedings were originally scheduled for a couple months from now, but they've been moved up.
Yes, Your Honor.
There were extenuating circumstances.
And we thank you for your understanding.
- Yes.
Thank you, Your Honor.
- So let's jump in here.
Now, I've read the affidavits and they look straightforward - and in order, so this shouldn't take long.
- Yes.
We need silence from the gallery, please.
And I see no indication that Mr.
Joel Maisel is contesting this.
- That's right, Your Honor.
- I asked for silence.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm Mr.
Maisel and I was just Sorry about the tie.
- Mr.
Maisel? You're the husband? - I am, yes.
- What are you doing here? Are you contesting? - No, sir, I'm not contesting.
- Then why are you here? - Just moral support for my wife.
- While she divorces you.
- That's right.
- For adultery.
- That's right.
That's very modern.
It's almost French.
But now all this seems a little less straightforward.
Your Honor, the arrangement between Mr.
and Mrs.
Maisel is completely amicable.
Well, that'd be a first.
Well, they are ready to move forward.
Ah, I'm not so sure of that.
The couple before you, th-they were at each other's throats.
That's the norm.
It seems like the two of you are something different, and I want to make sure you're not making a mistake here.
- Ticktock, ticktock.
- Quiet! We are not making a mistake, Your Honor.
But your husband is here lending moral support.
Explain to me how that fits into this? It doesn't.
Joel, get the fuck out of here.
Hey, you're the one who's not supposed to be here.
Whoa! Order, right now.
Who is this person? That is my manager, Your Honor.
Manager? Of what? Your Honor, I'm a performer, a comedian, and I'm about to go on the road.
- Comedian? Why? - Yes.
I don't sing.
Your Honor, she's downplaying this.
She's going on the road with Shy Baldwin.
- It's a huge thing.
- And you're okay with this? - I am.
- You both seem okay with everything.
- We are.
- Which brings me back to my point.
- Why are you divorcing? - (GROANS) I just can't be a wife right now.
But what about your children? Ethan and Esther.
Are they going on the road with you? - No.
I'm taking care of them.
- But you're the father.
- I know.
- He's the father.
- I know.
- What am I missing here? - The fucking photo shoot.
- MIDGE: He's the father, he's going to take care of the kids.
You're not missing anything.
Take some time.
Cool down.
Rethink things.
Come back later.
No, they're ready.
Come on, and talk faster.
I want you gone from this courtroom.
Look, I didn't just commit adultery once, okay? I slept with a ton of other women.
- Had 'em lined up from here to Sheboygan.
- What? - Just go with me here.
- Really? - Yes.
- I'm one of them, Your Honor.
We had a hot, sexy thing going on.
I'm talking dungeon stuff, barnyard stuff.
He's a bad guy.
You should go ahead and grant that lady a divorce.
- Go on.
Bang the gavel.
- Susie, sit down.
The two of you, I would grant a divorce, no questions asked.
Now, everybody, just clam up, okay? Look, if you two don't want more time to think about it, I can't force you.
The petition for divorce is granted.
Next case.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Yes, thank you, Your Honor.
Yes, thank you.
I'm-I'm leaving.
WAGAMAN: Let's proceed here.
Next case, please.
CLERK: Yes, Your Honor.
Calendar number 11.
Livingston v.
The Estate of Jonathan Gregorio.
WAGAMAN: Very good.
Now, if I remember correctly, this was delayed from December.
Are all the ? Oh, will you two leave, please? (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) OSCAR: Have a seat back there, Rosie.
All right, gentlemen.
I call this extraordinary meeting of the board to order.
Look who we have with us today, a very special guest, Little Rosie from the North.
Hello, Rosie.
- ROSE: Hello.
- Hi.
Hello, all.
Hello, Liev.
Hello to you, baby sister.
Are you well? I'm very well.
Thank you.
- And how's Abe? - (LAUGHTER) Abe is fine, Liev.
Thank you for asking.
He ever go near a staircase again? - (LAUGHTER) - Yes, he uses stairs all the time.
It's a demanding concept, stairs.
He fell that one time, Liev.
Oh, Rosie, we're just teasing you.
We all like Abe.
- What's not to like? - Don't need that.
Thank you.
Now, fellas, Rosie's come here today with a special request.
Oh, yes, um, I'm here today - because I just want to ask - OSCAR (CLEARS THROAT): Rosie.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) I will let Oscar explain.
(CLEARS THROAT) Our little Rosie's here today because she'd like a little more money from the trust.
You see, Abe's been fired from his job, and additional funds are needed for Rose to maintain her quality of life.
He wasn't fired.
Just to be clear, he's making a change in his life.
Okay, I stand corrected.
He's making a change in his life.
From employed to unemployed.
(LAUGHTER) They move his classroom upstairs? Liev.
Okay, okay, let's just proceed on this now.
Rosie? Thank you.
Just to elaborate, in my own words Nope, I meant: could you give us the room? - Why? - We're about to vote.
LIEV: Votes are done in secret.
Rosie, you know that.
Th-this is a family matter.
I'm family.
It's the rule.
Well, how come he gets to stay? OSCAR: That's Mendel, that's Jacob's boy.
- So? - He's on the board.
- Yeah! - ROSE: He's a child.
Yes, and someday he'll be a man.
Plus, Uncle Mordecai retired and we had an empty seat.
You had two empty seats.
You never filled Grandmama's.
Well, we were gonna make Mendel Grandmama, but then Mordecai retired, and so we made him Mordecai.
And now we're out of men.
- What about me? - What about you? I could fill Grandmama's seat.
- (LAUGHTER) - What, that's funny? That I deserve to be considered for the board? Board seats are filled by the men of the family.
- You know that.
- Grandmama was a girl.
- Kinda.
- Grandmama started the business.
They had to put her on the board.
Well, how did Mendel earn his seat? - Oh, come on now, Rosie.
- Come on, what? Why have I never been asked to be on the board? I'm a senior member of the family, there's an empty chair here and some dumb little boy.
She's mean.
I vote no.
That's not how you make a decision, you little nitwit.
- Stop.
- Rosie, don't get hysterical.
- I'm not hysterical.
- LIEV: You live in New York, little sister.
- You don't know a thing about the business.
- I could learn.
I think your learning years have long passed, Rosie.
He doesn't know anything about the business either.
Excuse me? Come on, Oscar, you walk around the fields asking workers if things are well.
They say, "Yes.
" You say, "Very good.
" - Then you come back inside.
I could do that.
- Rosie "How are things, Bobby?" "Well.
" "Yes.
" Done.
Rosie, why don't you go lay down and let us vote and give you your goddamn pin money.
- Bad word! - Shut up, Mendel.
- Pin money? - You want it or not? You know what I want.
As a member of this family, I want a seat on this board.
It doesn't work that way.
As a member of this family who doesn't eat paste, - I demand a seat on this board.
- That's not gonna happen.
Then clearly I'm not part of this family.
And since I'm not a part of this family, I don't want anything to do with this family.
I don't care how much money you throw at me, I'm done.
- Rosie - It's very simple, if I don't get a say, I don't want your money! Any of it! Come on, Grandmama.
Women aren't welcome here.
I'm the sucker that rented the space upstairs, and I'm not a cop.
I'm just a guy.
A guy in, uh, in need of information and, uh, a shower.
Uh, I called the number on the lease, but it was disconnected.
And there's only a post office box and it's in Delaware, so I'm out of options.
Now, I-I need to speak to the owner.
And here's to hoping one of you understands me.
Carry on.
- Don't look at me.
- I saved you a spot.
- You should have saved me two spots.
- What are you talking about? - This.
I look like one of my father's prize heifers.
Imogene, you look just like you did before the baby, tiny and perfect.
CLAIRE: Ladies, take your place.
- Doesn't she look great? - Glad you're here, Imogene.
Everyone, arms to the sky.
Rag doll down.
Shake it out.
The divorcees are out in force, I see.
- The new moms, too.
- Saved you a spot.
Thanks, but no thanks, Isabelle.
Now pick up your Hula-Hoops and pulse.
So what was the urgency to come here today? Well, I heard how you let yourself go, and I had to see it for myself.
- That's not funny.
- I have to get in shape for this tour.
Oh, I want to hear more about the tour.
- And to the right.
- It's 18 cities.
And to the left.
And again.
18 cities? Wow.
You'll send me 18 postcards? - Of course.
- CLAIRE: Arms, ladies.
Write down everything you experience.
Everything you see and hear and eat.
(GASPS) No, wait, not eat.
CLAIRE: And change.
You can't get fat from reading about food, Imogene.
You aren't a scientist.
Now grab your isometric cords, ladies.
I hope your weird little troll of a manager's going with you.
You need a guard dog.
Things happen on the road, dirty things, - and write them all down, please.
- Mount your boards.
- Yes, Susie's going.
- Why the tone? CLAIRE: And twist.
We're on the outs right now.
She took on a new client, Sophie Lennon.
Wow, Sophie Lennon, that's big.
I hate Sophie Lennon.
Oh, right, we hate Sophie Lennon.
I forget that.
CLAIRE: Figure eights down.
It was just too much too soon, her taking on Sophie.
I need her full-time.
It's like she abandoned me.
Abandoned you? She dropped you? What a jerk.
No, she's still my manager, but I shouldn't have to share her.
So you're saying she makes enough off of just you that she doesn't need to have any other clients? Well, not quite.
I think she only made about 20 bucks off me last year.
- Swing arms.
- So you're saying she has enough of a savings to have you as her only client? Well, not quite.
I don't think she has any savings.
She probably doesn't even have a bank account.
But going out on tour opening for Shy Baldwin, the money's gonna come pouring in, right? Well, not quite.
It's not even a living for me.
- But Susie gets half, right? - CLAIRE: And saw.
- Well, not quite.
But, no, I agree.
You're Miriam Maisel, you should be enough.
I should be enough.
Can you move? I can't see.
I had a baby four weeks ago! And your husband drinks.
Feel better? Little bit.
ABE: Rose? Rose! Wonderful, you're back.
I mean, I knew you were coming back, I looked in your closet, but sometimes you don't come back.
So it's nice that you came back.
It is you, isn't it? You don't look like yourself.
Can I get you something? Something to drink? Something to eat? Rose? I have just come from a travel odyssey of biblical proportions.
Oh, dear.
Hieronymus Bosch couldn't have conjured the world I've inhabited for the past 25 hours.
- Oh, you had a bad flight.
- I suppose you could say that.
My first plane sat on the tarmac for five hours.
- Oh.
- The second plane hit turbulence that felt like the very hands of God were tearing the plane into shreds.
A suitcase fell on my head and a child threw up on my handbag.
- Oh, your poor handbag.
- We had to land at San Diego, which is in the opposite direction of New York City.
So, 12 hours in, I'm 1,300 miles farther away from where I'm trying to go, and who is that? ABE: Oh, that's Ezra.
He had an argument with his old lady.
Just needed a place to crash for a couple of days.
MIDGE: Is that Mama? - Is she home? - Kind of.
From San Diego, all that was available was a plane to Philadelphia, so I took that and thought I'd train from there to New York, but the boiler men are on strike, which forced me to take a bus, where I was groped by a little man in a fedora.
And, I'm sorry, who is that? Uh, that's Mr.
He's from Columbia.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm just getting some measurements for the next occupant, a Nobel Laureate.
Exciting stuff for us.
Oh, I'm glad you're excited, Mr.
Curtis, very glad.
Say, are you planning on taking these drapes with you? They're nice.
Yes, we're taking the drapes with us, Mr.
We're taking anything and everything of value which we could possibly hock, or in the case of drapes, make into clothing.
I don't understand.
I'm gonna have to get some Butterick patterns.
May I use that to measure my husband for pants? Did the family not extend you more money? Whoa.
Mama, what happened to you? What happened to me? My condescending, sniggering family was so goddamn awful, I gave up my trust fund entirely.
That's what happened to me.
- I'm sorry, what? - I gave up the money.
I don't want it.
It's blood money.
- But - But what? Well, Rose, we need that money.
We can't live without that money.
What's a little blood? That money was a yoke.
Now I am unyoked.
I don't believe this.
What? Miriam, what-what don't you believe? You.
Th-the both of you.
You quit Columbia, you lose the apartment.
You go to beef up your trust fund, you come back without a trust fund.
I mean, what is going on with you two? What's going on? Did you say "What's going on?" - No.
- I'll tell you what's going on.
You are what's going on with us.
- Me? - Everything that's happening is all your fault.
I was very happy being me.
I didn't need to be equal or stand up for myself.
I was fine.
I have gone my entire life with other people making all my decisions, and I loved it! You, you put this in my head.
You made me passionate and independent and broke! You're welcome.
Sorry, it was just sitting there.
I think it's really cool she gave up that money.
Shut up, Ezra.
I don't know.
I don't know, this just feels too stuffy.
- Is it too stuffy? - JACKIE: I like it.
Fits you nice.
I like the tailored look on you.
Usually, your stuff's so baggy, you can't see your figure.
I still don't understand why the fuck you're here.
This was the move-in date you gave me.
I told you Wednesday the 13th.
I heard Wednesday.
You know, your sheets are like sandpaper.
I'm gonna burn those sheets, with you possibly still in 'em.
Oh, that reminds me.
Midge called.
- What? When? - About an hour ago.
Woke me from a sound sleep.
She said she's gonna meet up with you at whatever this party is you're going to.
So I guess we're not going together.
What? You need her to hold your hand or something? No, I don't need her to hold my hand.
I'll go with you if you want.
I'll push you around in a fucking baby stroller.
I'm fine by myself.
My mantra since I was three.
Good for you.
Hit the light on your way out.
Mm, my pleasure.
Can't open the door with the bed down.
Can't put the bed up without you seeing me buck-fucking-naked.
Quite the conundrum.
("COME ON BACK, JACK" BY NINA SIMONE PLAYING IN DISTANCE) I didn't know I'd miss you so But, baby, I was wrong Those nights without your love They ain't worth thinking of Come on back, Jack Hey, Jack, come on, come on back Come on back, Jack Hey, Jack, come on, come on back Oh, woman, save your breath Little woman, save your breath - REGGIE: Susie Myerson? - Yeah? Of Susie Myerson and Associates? - Yeah.
- Really? - Who are you? - I'm Reggie.
Shy's manager.
We need to talk.
I guess I can take a break from all the fun.
They ain't worth thinking of Come on back, Jack So, are you gonna be something happy in my life or something unhappy? I look after my girl.
That's all you got to know.
- And what's your girl like? - Hey, isn't Lou Shy's manager? Lou? (GIGGLES) No.
Lou's the white guy that record labels are willing to deal with.
Lou's the white guy that Nabisco likes to talk to when they want Shy to front for 'em.
Lou is the white guy that glad-hands mayors when they want my man to get a key to the city.
Lou's - White.
I got it.
- Yeah.
- Lou's extraordinarily white.
- So, listen to me, Susie Myerson and Associates.
I run things.
You get me? - Sure.
- So you gonna be talking back like that? I'm not talking back, I said "Sure.
" Everything goes through me.
- I am the god at the gate.
- Got it.
- You gonna keep talking back? - I'm not talking back, - I'm just talking.
- Let me tell you what kind of manager I am, Susie Myerson and Associates.
I've been looking after Shy since we were kids tossing rocks in vacant lots.
We was running numbers for Stephanie St.
Clair before we were ten.
When he found his singing, I collected the money, kept him out of trouble, kept people from bumping him.
I'll be at his side when he draws his last breath unless I get there first.
I would lay down my life for him.
That's what's going on here.
You hear me? You don't hear me? Fucking afraid to say anything.
It's been a good meeting.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) - You got any questions? - Mm.
I got one, if it's okay.
Uh, we had these pictures taken.
I got the proof sheets, but I need money to have 'em printed.
So go get yourself some money.
I thought you guys could front the money.
Do I look like your grandma? Why would I hand you money? She doesn't have any professional pictures.
Then you should go get her some.
I can't without money.
Look, it was not my idea to have some fluffy white girl open for my boy, but this was Shy's call, and now it lands on me.
Reggie, nothing's landing on you.
Sticking a five-dollar bill in your pocket for cab fare is how "Let Uncle Lou" does it.
It's not how I do it.
You bring me receipts, and I tell you what gets reimbursed.
I think this is coming back around - to "you run things" again.
- Good.
You were listening.
Look, when she gets here, will you at least meet her? - She is fluffy, but you'll like her.
- (LAUGHTER) Isn't that her? SHY (LAUGHS): I swear that night was cursed.
(LAUGHTER) This was at the Half Note, and this girl named Sandra Yeah.
All I meant was I wanted to introduce you.
I know where my boy is at all times.
SHY: was giving him the stink eye the whole night.
(LAUGHTER) Then, we got one more encore, right? So Billy whips around to empty his spit valve, and empties it right on Cab Calloway.
- (OOHING) - MIDGE: That's disgusting.
You know, that cat's always smiling, but he wasn't smiling this time.
(LAUGHTER) The cat sent me the dry cleaning bill, too.
Thank you for that, boss, I owe you.
And this is Slim.
- (OOHING) - Ah, Slim.
- Faithful to a fault.
- I knew this was coming.
- SHY: Loyal, royal Slim - He'll never get over this.
Left me for six months to go out with that Southern boy, what's his name? The-the kid with the hips who stole our people's sound? - (LAUGHTER) - Elvis! - Elvis.
- SHY: Then he regained his senses And the true king was kind enough to allow me to return.
- All right.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) So, Midge Maisel, that's the group.
And, group, this is Midge Maisel.
This is a funny lady.
Stand up, Midge, so they can pay respect.
SLIM: Hey, Midge, welcome to the family.
Hello, all.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for making me feel like one of the gang.
- Me again.
- I got the note.
Thanks for meeting with me.
No English? Sit.
Your name is Joel Mai-sel? It's Maisel.
Accent on the "Mai.
" Hmm.
That's my name.
- Maisel? - Mei.
My name is Mei.
- (LAUGHS) - What's funny? - You thought my name was Maisel.
- Can we get on with this? These are the owners.
- What are their names? - You couldn't pronounce them.
- What's this for? - To forget what you saw.
No, no, no.
I don't want money.
That's not why I wanted to meet.
- (SPEAKS CHINESE) - I just need to know how this is going to work.
(SPEAKS CHINESE) And they're definitely the owners? Yes.
It's a gambling parlor, right? (SPEAKS CHINESE) - Yes.
- Is it legal? (SPEAKS CHINESE) Look, I'm opening a club.
It'll be music, comedy.
I'm going after a liquor license, and I just need to know if there could be raids or the FBI knocking down the door or something like that.
Don't worry about that.
That won't happen.
- How can you be so sure? - The cops on the beat, they don't care about us.
They only come when there's a murder or something.
Has there been a murder? (SPEAKS CHINESE) MEI: That was a joke.
They're actually very funny people.
They're putting you on.
There's been no murder, no.
So my club's gonna be okay? I'm not gonna bust my ass building it into a success to just have it all fall apart.
(LAUGHS): Oh, it's not gonna be successful.
What? (SPEAKS CHINESE) (LAUGHTER) - Wait, what, what'd you say? - I told them what you said.
The club will work.
I'm gonna make it work.
No, see, you're perfect for us because you'll have very few customers, see? That's not true.
I'm gonna make money.
(SPEAKING CHINESE) They're asking if you're gonna stay, 'cause if not, they'll rip up the lease and find some other money-losing business to come in.
I'm staying.
Okay? I'm staying.
And I'm gonna make money off of this.
You'll see.
(LAUGHTER) Wait, that was English.
They understand English.
(SPEAKS CHINESE) Are they really the owners? See you around, Maisel.
- Hey.
- How long you been here? - A while.
- I didn't see you.
- Yeah, I was in the other room.
I could see you over where you were.
Yeah, as soon as I got here, Shy kind of pulled me into his group.
That's good, that he included you like that.
You should get to know him.
Yeah, it was nice of him.
This is such a beautiful place.
Yeah, must have a pretty interesting history.
Ooh, yeah, definitely.
Look, Miriam, I can't take this.
I'm weird with a lot of people, and it's fine, I don't care, but it's too fucking weird to be weird with you.
I can't do it.
If this is how it's gonna be, then fuck it, I won't manage her, a-and I'm fine with that, really.
So these are the proof sheets from the session.
I circled the ones I thought were good.
See what you think.
I never thought you could take a bad picture, but there's some really bad pictures of you in here.
Most of 'em are really good.
Just have to figure out how I'm gonna print them, but it's gonna happen and it's gonna be great.
Susie, I want you to have "Associates.
" I want you to have a suite of offices and windows with views and a sign out front and someone fetching your coffee.
I want you to have your own car and a driver 'cause you are a bad fucking driver.
I want you to have a big apartment with hot water and a closet full of blazers.
I want you to have a bank account.
I can deal with Sophie Lennon.
You'll always be my number one.
Love, love, love! We are the whitest people in the world.
Day after day I must face a world of strangers Where I don't belong I'm not that strong It's nice to know That there's someone I can turn to Who will always care You're always there When there's no getting over That rainbow When my smallest of dreams Won't come true I can take all the madness The world has to give But I won't last a day Without you So many times when the city seems to be Without a friendly face It's a lonely place It's nice to know that you'll be there If I need you And you'll always smile It's all worthwhile When there's no getting over That rainbow When my smallest of dreams Won't come true I can take all the madness The world has to give But I won't last a day Without you.

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