The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s04e05 Episode Script

How to Chew Quietly and Influence People

1 So, you want to be a secretary for a talent manager.
- Yes.
Very much.
- Great.
You're up.
- Excuse me? - Go ahead.
I'm all ears.
Well, what would you like to know? Give me a minute.
Do you have a natural flair for meticulous organization? I'd say yes.
Yes, I do.
You excuse me again? Can you always be depended upon to do what you say you'll do? - Yes, certainly.
- Fantastic.
Perhaps you'd like to see my résumé? Excellent, yes, let's take a gander.
Three pages, huh? Mm-hmm.
Come on.
Some of this is bullshit, right? Then I went to Brooklyn College, where I got my B.
in English literature.
Very good.
And why do you want to work here? Many reasons.
But first and foremost, I'm excited to get in on the ground floor of a growing business.
Growing business.
Okay, that's putting a shit-ton of pressure on me.
Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me? Um, what will a typical workday look like? Will you excuse me a minute? Every one of these broads, they can type, they graduated from someplace, they sit nice.
I got this book with questions to ask.
It's no fucking help.
All the girls give the same answer, because they all probably got a fucking book, too.
You ever hire anybody? - Sure, lots of people.
- Well, what kind of stuff do you ask, so you know who to pick? That depends.
You got to tailor the questions to the specific job.
How, Fred? How? Well, when I hired a guy to paint my apartment, - I asked if he had a ten-foot ladder.
- Okay.
But I didn't ask that when I hired my tax guy or the girl to get my brother laid after his divorce.
You don't need a ladder for those jobs.
Fred, did you ever hire anybody at William Morris in a professional, show-business capacity? Not per se.
- I'm hanging up.
- Wait.
You should definitely see how the person chews.
- What? - I'm serious.
You're going to be in close quarters with this girl, with snacks and whatnot, munching and crunching, day in, day out.
If they chew loud, you're doomed.
My shorthand is excellent, and I type 70 words per minute.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm friendly but I'm firm.
Your time is precious, and I'll be the gatekeeper.
There will be no unwarranted interruptions.
Yes, that is all very interesting.
Very interesting.
- Hey, you hungry? - Uh, no, not really.
'Cause I was about to eat this, but now why don't you have it? Thank you, no, I just had lunch.
I'll cut it up for you.
I got a pocketknife.
That's very nice, but really, no.
Oh, come on, it's nice and crispy.
To be honest, I'm actually allergic Eat the fucking apple! - Papa, are you up? - Who is it? It's me, Abe.
It's not you.
- Stop that, please.
- It's not me.
Did I wake you? Sorry, I figured you'd be reading.
Your mother made me turn out my light.
Now, what is it? I need some help, but I'll ask you tomorrow.
No, it's fine.
I was just lying there thinking about how she made me turn out my light.
I just can't get my checkbook to balance, - and it's driving me crazy.
- What's going on? Nothing.
Miriam can't balance her checkbook.
Why on earth would you have her doing that - in the middle of the night, Abe? - I live in a Dr.
Seuss book.
I'm sorry I got you up.
Back to bed, you two.
Night night.
I can't sleep when your father's just lying there thinking about how I made him turn out the light.
- Then let me turn on my light.
- Fine, I'll sleep on the couch.
Do not sleep on the couch.
It wears out the cushions faster - than just everyday sitting.
- Then I'm going back to bed.
Where's the checkbook? In the kitchen.
It's been weeks.
You have to stop fighting.
Who's fighting? I'm simply recalibrating my entire relationship with your mother based on information she previously chose to keep secret for 35 years.
Could you stop that, then? It comes out different every time.
- Always terrible but never the same.
- Ugh.
What's this? Is it better if it's a one or a seven? It's less bad if it's a seven.
Call it a seven.
And this is what you're getting paid for selling all that Tupperware? It's no way to get rich, but I did win an aquarium.
Which has been surprisingly expensive to maintain.
I sold the most pastel Wonderliers in my region.
- Mm-hmm.
- I also won those toasters and a salad spinner.
And surely you've seen the two large dalmatians in our living room.
Do you think Joel could try to contribute a little more? He's doing everything he can, Papa.
Well There's your balance.
Uh, that's if the number was a seven.
And that's if it was a one.
I think even Ethan could have helped you.
Thanks, Papa.
Could I bring my book in here and read? Sure.
I'll forgive your mother in the morning.
For God's sake, the woman owns a Chanel sleep mask.
Looks like it's gonna be four debates.
Kennedy-Nixon? - He's such a creep.
- Which one? Nixon.
They both have skeletons.
You are not voting for Nixon.
I am not voting for Nixon.
He looks like he eats children.
Thank you.
Ethan wants one of these Etch A Sketch things, but they're $2.
99, and he'll break it in, like, a day.
What's an Etch A Sketch? You draw on the screen with the knobs, then you shake it, and the picture erases.
What's the point of that? To teach kids that nothing lasts.
- Joel! - What? You're not even gonna answer the door? - Nah.
- Come on! We discussed this.
It could be another one of Ma's girls.
- If I open it, I'm as good as engaged.
- It could be a delivery.
- They'll leave it.
- Someone could steal it.
Nothing lasts.
What do you do at the club? - Shh.
- Why? In case they're listening at the door.
If the phone rings at the club, you have to answer it.
People want to come in, you have to let them in.
There's a protocol for women of childbearing age.
If they want to talk to me, Mrs.
Moskowitz screens them with a series of discreet questions.
- Oh, my God.
- The system's worked for weeks.
- Why question it now? - Because it's demented.
Because it's Aah! I'll do it! - Do what? - I'll meet your parents.
Just answer the phone! - No.
We can wait my mother out.
- We can't.
We can.
She's getting older.
She has limited wind.
We need our lives back, Joel.
- My life is fine.
- Well, mine isn't.
This is dumb.
I mean, you said it.
We're in a a Relationship.
They have to know.
Make a date.
End the madness.
I'll just move again.
A moving target will confuse her.
Set it up.
I'll be at the movies.
Just in case.
Susie? Oh.
I just need to talk to you when you're done.
- No, now's a good time.
- Should I wait outside? Nah.
You ain't getting the job.
- Oh.
Okay, thank you.
- No.
Thank you.
- What's with your phone? - Nothing.
Why? I've been calling all morning.
All you get is a busy signal.
You need a secretary.
What do you think that was? What's up? - This.
- What is that? This is my invitation to Shy Baldwin's wedding.
Why the fuck would you be invited - to Shy Baldwin's wedding? - You tell me.
I don't know.
They're working off an old list? - Then you would've been invited.
- And I was not invited.
- Susie.
- I guess I was invited.
Why the hell was I invited to Shy Baldwin's wedding? And it's three days from now.
Basic wedding etiquette dictates invitations go out 45 days prior to the event, at a minimum.
I'm sorry, you're offended that you were invited at the last minute to a wedding you don't want to go to? Yes.
Who wouldn't be? - Me.
- And not only am I not going, I'm RSVPing "yes" and then not going, just to screw up his count.
You're a monster.
That thing's a waste of a nice gilded edge.
You know what? Maybe we should go.
- Go? Are you kidding me? - There's no way there's not an open bar, some good food.
You are not serious.
He kind of owes us, you know? You could get your picture taken there, get some good exposure and some good cake.
I am kind of curious to see the whole spectacle.
And I am really curious to drink a lot of free booze.
Did you see that? - See what? - So you didn't? - The smoke? - So you did.
- I did.
- Damn.
- Damn it.
- Were we not supposed to? Of course you were, but not then.
It's no good! I can't What was I How am I supposed Breathe it out.
It was on four, not three.
Just have to remember to count.
I'll just try it again.
I'm looking pretty good to you right now, aren't I? I got a net.
I should save for Ethan? We have saying back home: "Never too early for child to learn how to bury.
" Mm.
Let's just flush him and let his memory be a blessing.
Do we have any matches, Zelda? This is dangerous.
I saw Miss Miriam has matches in her bedroom.
I'll get them.
I'll get it, Zelda.
Weissman residence.
Mm, this is she.
Well, of course.
I'd be very happy to meet with Mr.
Certainly, any time he'd like.
Today's fine.
Half an hour.
I can be ready by then.
It's 385 Riverside Drive in Manhattan.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
As it turns out, I don't have time for tea after all.
There's a car coming for me.
I have business in Scarsdale.
Please tell Mr.
Weissman when he comes home.
Okay, I'll tell him you went outside to do your business.
I'll just leave a note.
- Just over there, ma'am.
- Thank you.
Solomon Melamid.
I'd, uh, shake your hand, but mine is straight from the horse's mouth, shall we say.
- Anyway, welcome.
- Rose Weissman.
It's a pleasure.
Cut it out, Zephaniah.
Don't let him scare you.
Oh, it takes more than a little showing off to do that.
I grew up with horses.
In Oklahoma.
- And I see you wore sensible shoes.
- Well, there's nothing elegant about landing on your backside in the mud, is there? I can tell, you know a thing or two.
Join me in a walk? Now, that Whoa, boy! is Copper Jack, my prize stallion.
A stable boy walked a mare past his stall this morning.
Poor devil got a whiff, and he hasn't been able - to calm himself since.
- Hmm.
Your house, my goodness, it's even more stunning than it looked in Town & Country.
My great-grandfather had it built in 1840.
We throw on another wing from time to time birthdays, Hanukkah.
Hmm, your family's in the railroad business.
Railroad, shipping, steel.
We're eyeing aviation.
Innovation's key.
Stagnation is death.
You're a businesswoman; you know all this.
Oh, yes, I am.
I do.
Weissman, I wanted to meet you, because your impressive match for my lawyer's daughter did not escape my notice.
Norma and Lorraine, my two daughters, are 31 and 32 years old.
Oh! - Uh, sorry.
- No, don't be.
Their mother cries herself to sleep every night wondering where she went wrong.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Trees with a few more rings on them happen to be a specialty of mine.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
That's good to hear.
I think we're gonna have to give him Starlight just to calm him down.
Horses are easy.
You throw them together, a little noise, maybe a stall door needs repairing, and that's that.
If only it were as simple with daughters.
- Tell me about them, your girls.
- Well Norma has a penchant for stable boys.
- She's the Starlight of the family.
- I see.
Lorraine, the younger one, she got kicked in the head by a horse as a child, so she's an easy mark.
We've had a lot of schemers and gigolos who look at Lorraine and see the goose that laid the golden egg.
- She almost married an actor.
- Heavens.
I got him a job on the road promoting Ford Thunderbirds.
He's in Alaska as we speak.
But they aren't all so easily disposed of.
You just need someone to screen out the schemers and find the man who will love Lorraine for who she is and not what she has.
And I need to be able to bring my daughters' husbands into the family business.
They can't be idiots, - or obvious idiots.
- Well, Mr.
Melamid, I assure you I can find some very nice men who are not obviously idiots and will make Norma and Lorraine very happy.
Oh, yes.
Happy, that would be good, too.
Not a deal breaker, but a nice bonus.
Weissman, I am appointing you director of the nearly bankrupt division of Melamid Industries known as my daughters' marital prospects.
Good luck.
And if it's any incentive, the extended Melamid family is large, rich and homely, so there could be a lot of Melamid matches in your future.
Well, then I'd better get right to work.
Where are Norma and Lorraine now? In the city.
They live together there like a pair of ex-nuns.
I'll set up meetings right away to get to know them.
Please tell Mrs.
Melamid I said she should start thinking about the centerpieces.
One more thing.
Respectability is of the utmost importance to the Melamid family.
We value decency, dignity and discretion, and we assume you and your family do as well.
- Yes, of course, Mr.
- Good.
Call me Solomon.
John! Send Edgar to give Mrs.
Weissman a tour.
Make sure you see the swans.
They are bastards but they are beautiful.
Hello? Is anybody home? Miriam? Ice cream, get your ice cream here.
I got chocolate, I got vanilla.
- You're late.
- It's my chauffeur.
He fired himself.
I had to take a cab.
- Okay, so - Did you hear what I said? A taxicab.
Susie I'm exhausted.
I had to hail it myself.
I had to put my arm up in the air, I had to leave it there until the cab pulled over.
I had to open my own door.
I had to duck down It sounds harrowing, but it's over.
Now focus.
- Mm.
- Look over there.
That is Mike Carr.
He books The Gordon Ford Show.
Hmm, not unattractive.
You are not gonna fuck him.
You're gonna meet with him.
Now, I got to make sure you are ready for this.
Let me see your eyes.
Well, at least they're spinning in the same direction.
Did you take your meds, or stop taking them, - whichever makes you less nuts? - Yes, both.
Because if you screw this up, all that's left for you is to be my secretary, and you'd be a lousy secretary.
Now, come on.
Mike Carr? Susie Myerson.
I was about to leave.
You would've missed out on the meeting of a lifetime.
When I went to a bullfight with Hemingway, that was the meeting of a lifetime.
I don't know what the fuck this is.
Then, let me introduce you to the goddamn living legend, Sophie Lennon.
Sophie, Mike.
I started out with ten minutes for you.
I waited seven, so now I have three.
- I like him.
- Great.
Ooh! You okay? Have you ever taken a cab? Ignore her.
Mike, when's your birthday? Day before Christmas.
It's a fucking curse.
How would you like it to be next week? What's the angle here? I thought you said no sex.
What I am offering you today is a gift.
An unprecedented interview with the great Sophie Lennon.
Unprecedented? She's been on every goddamn talk show in the country.
I have.
I've been on Sullivan nine times.
Yeah, I heard about you being "on Sullivan.
" He said he was leaving his wife.
I am not talking about some run-of-the-mill interview.
Is that what you think Gordon does? Run-of-the-mill interviews? - Mike.
- Keep walking.
- Mike, listen - There's no heat on her.
Okay? It'd be like booking an iceberg, sorry.
- And I accept your apology.
- Don't talk.
Mike, just listen to me.
This woman here, she had a nervous breakdown.
- That's your pitch? - She went from being the highest-paid comedian in this business to a punch line herself in one fucking night.
Complete career suicide.
You telling me that story doesn't interest you? Well, sure, but we can't talk about that shit on the show.
- Why not? - Because you can't.
Who says? I don't know, uh America? Fuck America.
You book Sophie on that show, she will give Gordon the kind of interview no other star in her right mind would ever agree to.
I am not in my right mind, that is true.
- She's got stories, Mike.
- So? My mother has stories.
I wouldn't book her, either.
Who'd you have on the show last night, Mike? Let me answer that a blonde starlet and a boring-ass director.
The night before that, a red-headed starlet and a boring-ass novelist.
And they're all plugging something.
They talk about their shitty movie or their boring book, how everyone they work with is a genius and how everybody in Hollywood is best friends.
And maybe they throw in a semi-embarrassing story about getting locked out of their house, wearing only a towel, then you go to a commercial, sell some cigarettes.
Well, Sophie Lennon has fuck-all to plug.
She's got nothing to lose.
So she is gonna open up her walk-in closet of skeletons and introduce them all to the world in living color.
And her publicist isn't gonna stop her 'cause her publicist quit last week.
It's risky.
If it's a disaster, I'm the one that goes down.
Gordon's been stuck at number two since the beginning.
He does something ballsy like this? He's number one and you're the one who made him number one.
If it doesn't work, sure, it's your ass.
But if he stays number two, aren't you getting fired anyway? Give me a card.
Got one right here.
Uh, wait, I got a new number.
And the printer fucked up.
There's no "Q" in "Myerson.
" Stay by your phone.
Did that go well or badly? I do not think you're gonna need to be my secretary.
What would you like to drink? Very cold water, please.
You get water, I still have to charge you.
And there's a two-drink minimum.
Water and two sherries.
Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.
Ooh! Everyone nice and lubricated out there? How you doing in the cheap seats? - All right! - All right.
Now I just want you to think about something.
Especially you with your hand precariously close to your crotch there.
Every girl you see working tonight, shaking their moneymakers has a father.
That's right, me, too.
I have a father.
Goes by Abraham.
He thought I'd grow up to be the perfect lady.
And here I am, slinging dick jokes in a strip club to a bunch of drunk men with various degrees of syphilis.
So happy Father's Day! You're home late.
- You're up late.
- Where have you been? We went out to get something to eat after work.
- We? - Me and Susie.
Oh, so no boyfriend.
Well, if you squint.
Late-night dining sounds very glamorous.
I ate my grilled cheese with my pinkie up.
Where are you going? You're certainly not gonna eat again, are you? You'll lose your figure.
Then you'll never get a boyfriend.
I already have a shadow, Mama.
There's something I need to discuss with you.
Something that can't wait till morning? I'm exhausted.
It's 5:00 a.
It is morning.
This is me falling asleep on the counter.
I have a new matchmaking client.
Solomon Melamid, of the Melamids.
- Are you listening? - Uh-huh, Mallomars.
Miriam, wake up.
This is important.
He has two unmarried daughters and he's richer than God.
Sounds great.
Mallomars sound better, but He's a very important man.
- He's very concerned about discretion.
- Uh-huh.
And I have promised him that I am nothing if not discreet.
- I will do nothing to embarrass him.
- Uh-huh.
I won't.
However What? I'm thinking things are gonna get a little loud.
I don't want to wake the kids.
You were saying? Your career thing.
- Yep.
- It's a problem.
Mallomars don't like jokes? Well, they don't like strip clubs.
You've been hiding it from us, so you must understand - where they're coming from.
- Where'd you get that? Your room.
It's full of them.
You're snooping in my room, like I'm 15? No, you didn't lie and sneak around when you were 15.
I never lied about the club.
I just didn't tell you the details.
I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.
A rubber girdle is uncomfortable.
Stumbling onto a box of newspaper clippings linking your daughter to a strip club for all the world to see is excruciating! It's pretty hard to stumble onto a locked box in a closed drawer.
So you were hiding it.
I wasn't hiding my box of my clippings in my apartment.
You mean the apartment your father and I bought back for you.
That's your cover story for something you're hiding.
Well, it's not a cover story if you don't use it consistently.
Yes, I am working at a strip club.
- So you're a stripper? - No, I am a comic.
Solomon Melamid will think you are a stripper.
Well, then he'll be very disappointed by my act.
Miriam, hear me.
There are dozens of rich, homely girls in the Melamid clan.
And all four of Solomon Melamid's sisters are widows.
Suspicious? Fine.
I don't care.
This large, sad family is a cash cow, and I want to milk it.
Who's stopping you? Grab a pail.
I can't because my daughter's a stripper.
Are we really gonna do this again? What else do I call a woman who performs at a strip club? An emcee, a comic, a jokester, a card, a gagster, a wag, a wit Would you go to a dentist whose office was in a whorehouse? Okay, the sun is coming up and I have to talk to Ethan's teacher at 8:00 about the odds of him getting out of kindergarten on the first try, so let's wrap this up.
What do you want me to do here, Mama? - Quit.
- No.
I am a comedian.
Well, comedian somewhere else.
The Wolford pays me.
It's regular money and I can do my act the way I want.
Why not just go back to the Gashole? The Gaslight.
That's a basket house.
There's no money there.
I don't see how Mallomar's even gonna find out about this.
He'll read about you in the paper.
I doubt he reads L.
Roy Dunham.
Melamid reads everything.
Well, even if he does, we have different names.
- Weissman, Maisel.
- L.
Roy Dunham is a journalist.
He will track down your identity and he will eventually print it.
Well, que será, será.
Miriam, my job is very important to me.
I could be on the verge of something very big here.
Me, too.
It's fucking fabulous.
You kind of fucked up the floral arrangement there.
There, now it's truly fucked up.
We're off to a productive start.
- Bar? - Bar.
What can I get for you? What's your most expensive Scotch? I think that would be the Balvenie 30, sir.
That one.
Uh, make it a double.
A triple.
Hey, what's your top shelf gin? - Throw some of that in there, too.
- I'll have the same.
- But with a cherry.
- Your most expensive cherry.
Two cherries, please.
Let's do some business.
Hello, boys.
Maisel, Miriam, hot rising comic.
Get in there, honey.
- Oh, she is something, huh? - Smile.
Looks good in a bathing suit, too.
Boy! Legs and tits for days! - Okay, got it.
- Good? You got it? Okay.
Uh, Susie Myerson and Associates is her representation.
Well, that was sufficiently gross and demeaning.
- You're welcome.
- Interesting combination.
What are they called? Sweet Revenge.
Whoa! This is definitely gonna make me throw up.
Do it on the dance floor.
- Canapé? - I can indeed.
Great portions here.
Eh, 20 bucks right there.
- Heads up.
- Ooh! - Oh, my God.
- Hmm? Susie, it's Sidney Poitier.
- What? Where? - There, front table.
Wow, and he's talking to, uh, Harvey.
- From the movie.
- Harvey was the rabbit.
But that is Jimmy Stewart.
Oh, my God, Jimmy Stewart is sexy in person.
Oh, my God.
- These are delicious.
- What are they? I don't even know.
A little ball of something that teaches you what pleasure is even if you've been half-dead - your whole fucking life.
- Excuse me.
Oh, no balls, just puffs.
Mmm, puffs are good.
Mm-hmm, I repeat, puffs are very good.
Oh, yeah.
I bet if you put a puff with a ball and maybe some cheese Wait, hang on, we're not supposed to be enjoying this.
- Are we? - No, we're not enjoying this.
Are you crazy? We're just eating and drinking Ah, fuck, we are enjoying it.
All right, let's get back on Will you get out of here? The lights are different, right? - Yeah, something's happening.
- Good.
I thought it was the drink.
This shit has to be what killed Toulouse-Lautrec.
Where's Carole? And the rest of the guys? I don't recognize a soul up there.
Hmm, must've gotten a new band.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I please have your attention as we welcome for the first time as husband and wife Mr.
and Mrs.
Shy Baldwin! - He looks fat.
- No, he doesn't.
His hair looks thin.
No, it doesn't.
And though I love that view The city lights don't shine as bright as you Shine as bright, shine as bright Come close to me, baby Cool as the river When you're here in my arms Manhattan's getting dimmer I know it sparkles, too But city lights don't shine as bright as you - Shine as bright - Paris at night Don't shine as bright as you - Shine as bright - Nothing's a sight That could shine as bright as you Oh, Rome is all right But them city lights don't shine as bright As you Did she just fucking curtsy? Is that what she did? Are you watching this shit? This drink is really growing on me.
Now look at this.
None of y'all had anywhere else to go tonight? Well, good.
'Cause now I get to gloat.
Look at the girl over there.
All right, now stop looking, 'cause she's mine.
Shy Baldwin.
I'm the luckiest man in the world, baby.
- Aw! - And so, in honor of my wife Boy, that is tough to say.
Um, I'll practice, I'll practice.
You just heard a little of my new single.
And it's a special one because the lyrics were written by my boy Reggie Harris.
Which is fitting because that man's been putting words in my mouth since we were kids begging his grandmom to buy us ice cream.
He made me say I had heat stroke Cute story about a control freak making his pal cheat an old lady.
the people I'm closest to.
I feel your love.
And my heart is with you tonight.
Feel better? - Yep.
- And now there's someone else who wants to chime in here.
You know him, you love him.
It's my good friend, Mr.
Harry Belafonte.
Yeah! Someone good! Shy, Monica, I had a special song written for you.
And I'm gonna sing it now, if nobody minds.
Three, four.
What's the way to the heart of a man about town? Gets around now, he gets around now What's the way when his feet are too good for the ground? - Tie him down now - Maybe Monica swayed She swayed - Maybe Monica played - She played Maybe Monica knew he would want more if she gave less More or less Maybe Monica prayed She prayed - Maybe Monica stayed - She stayed Doesn't matter what thing she pulled She pulled it best Baby made a maybe yes Maybe yes Baby made a maybe yes Maybe yes Hey, hey, hey He was startin' to head out to the club Hey, hey, hey Have a ball and Mei! I'm here! Joel? Thank God.
I got a dress.
I know.
I got eyes.
It's got a skirt and bow, see? There's birds on the top, kind of a Peter Pan collar thing.
You look great.
You sure? I don't know.
The skirt is weird, and I don't know what the bird is, and why is this a Peter Pan collar? I've seen Peter Pan, I've read Peter Pan.
I don't get the connection.
Anyhow, I told the girl at the shop that I needed a dress to meet my whatever you are's parents, and she handed me this.
Are you sure? 'Cause it's really important that this dress is right.
And while normally I don't care what anybody thinks about anything, I feel like there's a lot at stake here.
- There's not.
- Of course there is.
Are you crazy? The first thing they see is the dress and the second thing they see is me, so initially I asked the lady at the shop if she had a dress with a matzo ball print, which elicited exactly the kind of response you'd think deafening silence so I just took this one.
You look perfect.
My hair will be better.
So, if we get a cab within 20 minutes, we can be at my folks' place in time.
Or we can be a little late.
Shorten the length of time we're exposed.
No! Oh, my God, we can't be late! I want to do everything perfectly.
Too colorful.
Is this too colorful? It's too colorful.
I couldn't see at the shop that this was too colorful? - Mei, should I make us a drink? - Yes.
So I can be drunk and late with a too colorful dress and a Peter Pan collar.
Thanks, Joel! - Hey, you need to relax.
- Can't.
- You have to breathe.
- Nope.
I like what you're wearing.
But that's probably 'cause you're in it.
You want to have sex now? - No.
- That was your sex call.
- My what? - Your sex call.
- I do not want to have sex.
- Is that because of the dress? Please take me up on that drink.
I got together with Adina Kritzer, from pathology lab? She taught me some things about Jewish culture.
But it's all dumped out of my head.
I had Yiddish.
Now I have nothing.
You have Jewish culture right here at your disposal.
I remember two words "tsoris" and "gefilte fish.
" - That's all you need to know.
- I bought a yarmulke.
Mei, honey, girls don't wear yarmulkes.
What? Fuck.
That would've been good for Adina to mention.
And I'm pretty sure all sales are final.
- I'll wear the yarmulke.
- It's pink.
We'll use it as a coaster.
I'm gonna try on the other dress.
And throw up.
That's the sound you'll hear.
Ignore it.
Moishe, it's Joely and his little girlfriend! She's here, Shirl! - Don't open the door! - I'm gonna open the door.
- Don't open the door! - I got to open the door, Shirl! I want to see her at the exact same time you see her.
Where is she? She parking the car? That's quite a greeting.
Hi, Ma.
Well, where is she? What happened? Did you break up? - Let him talk, Shirl.
- She's feeling sick.
- What's the matter with her? - She's sick.
It's nothing serious, but there was a lot of sneezing.
I'm devastated.
I would've called ahead, but she started feeling worse in the cab, so I dropped her back at her apartment.
Did she think she couldn't be sick here? I'm a mother.
She wanted you to have this.
- She picked it out herself.
- Nice.
Your lady has taste.
Well, at least you can tell us all about her over dinner.
You know, you haven't even told us her name.
- It's Rachel.
- Ah, you have a cousin named Rachel.
- Different Rachel.
- Rachel.
Such a nice Jewish name.
The nicest.
Your father has a cousin named Rachel? Different Rachel.
Looks like he's got the good kind of croutons.
Be right back.
I have to powder my nose.
You know, the lighting's better in the ladies' room.
Well, well, well.
Bigger mirrors, too.
You look surprised.
A little.
So my invitation was a mistake.
I don't know.
The PR team made the guest list.
Jerry Lewis wasn't invited either, if it makes you feel any better.
- Not really.
- He came anyway.
Princess Grace is here.
Did you see her? - No.
- Oh, you will.
Hang out by the bar.
Monica looks beautiful.
She's a nice girl.
- She enjoys puzzles.
- Oh.
- Neat.
- Yeah.
I bought her a house in Beverly Hills.
- Bought her a house? - Well, I'm always traveling.
- She likes oranges.
- You should get her a puzzle of an orange grove.
She'll lose her mind.
First wedding anniversary gift, covered.
And look at you.
A wedding, a dance, a song, - and you hardly break a sweat.
- Ah.
The trick's keeping the fabric on your clothes light.
Nat King Cole taught me that.
He didn't come.
I was looking around for the gang.
Lester, Tommy, Carole, Slim.
- Got 'em locked up somewhere? - Uh, no.
- I have a new band.
- Why? I wanted a new sound.
Because the old one was such a disappointment.
You got to keep things fresh.
And they're a really great group.
You heard them out there.
They can really swing.
They sounded great.
But you don't miss the gang? You all just seemed like family.
You know what I miss? I miss your brisket.
I have not had a decent meal since the Jack Ballard's not much of a cook, huh? Jack Ballard's not much of a comic, either.
He's not.
You had a good comic for a while.
Beginning of the tour.
Who was that? Trying to remember.
Oh, yes.
What happened there? Trying to remember.
I believe I can see a tarmac? And in the back there, a plane? - Was there a plane? - There was a plane.
That's right.
That big thing sitting there full of people.
And it was missing a couple of folks, right? - Was it? - Yep.
It was.
You should've let me on that plane, Shy.
Oh, really? And why's that? Because I had something to say to you.
Oh, I bet you had a lot to say to me.
When you fire someone, they get mighty chatty.
Are you curious? What I would've said if I'd gotten on the plane? Something about winged monkeys? I would've said that I fucked up.
I fucked up like I've never fucked up anything in a life not without its fuckups.
I would've said I was scared off my ass getting on that stage, and Moms Mabley went on before me.
Yeah, it's hard to follow Moms.
I was desperate for that laugh.
I was desperate to just go out there and kill.
I just thought hometown crowd, talk about Shy.
So I did.
And I did kill, which was my job, but I should have gone in a different direction.
"Shy gives a lot of money to abused children.
In other words, he pays his staff.
" "Before every concert, Shy spends half an hour going " Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi "And then he starts his vocal exercises.
" "Shy doesn't think he's God's gift to the world, but he does call his suits his wrapping paper.
" - I get it.
- You are a treasure trove of punch lines.
But I never would have hurt you.
Not on purpose.
Not for anything in the world.
I thought we were friends.
And I take my friendships very seriously.
I know how loaded what I said was, and if I could take it back, I would.
If you had just let me on that plane, I would have said I was sorry.
And not to keep my job.
I'll get another job.
But because I was and still am truly sorry.
If I'd have let you on that plane, you would've brought Susie, and she would've tried to stab me with a cheese knife.
And I would have thrown myself in front of you and taken the blow.
And some Brie.
Well I sure have missed that brisket.
I'll send Monica the recipe.
You know, I'm back in the States for a while again next month.
Cut another Christmas album.
I know what to get my mother for Hanukkah.
Maybe we could, uh, get together, have a drink.
I-I could take you to - No.
- No? I'm not falling for that again.
We're not friends.
I have learned my lesson.
I hope you're gonna be very happy Dwayne.
That's what I'm saying.
- Can we get out of here? - Yeah, sure.
Thanks for the croutons.
- I ate everybody's croutons.
- Who let them in? Ladies, would you come with us, please? We have invites.
They checked them at the door and everything.
He still there? - Yep.
- He still big? - Yep.
- Mm.
- Lou.
- Susie Myerson.
And Mrs.
It's nice to see you.
- What is this, Lou? - I want you to meet my associate, Ken Bruni.
Ken is Shy's new agent over at MCA.
Very nice to meet you, ladies.
Enjoying the party? - Up until our abduction, it was great.
- Well, we just wanted to say hello and fill you in on some exciting news.
Shy's going to be the lead in Billy Wilder's next film.
Did you know he could act? I thought today's performance was pretty good.
I'll cut to the chase.
Everyone here is aware of Shy's proclivities.
But from now on, we're gonna help him to stay on the straight and narrow.
Watch over him 24 hours a day.
- Isn't that what Reggie does? - Reggie's gone.
Gone? - Holy shit.
- Look, he's a good guy, Reggie.
I like him.
But he's too close with Shy to control him.
There's too much history.
And too much history with the band, too, huh? Exactly.
Shy fought it, but eventually he realized it was time to chart a new course.
All this because I cracked a couple Judy Garland jokes - at the Apollo? - No, no, this has been a long time coming.
That night at the Apollo just gave us an opening.
So, thank you.
Reggie got Shy to where he is now.
- You realize that? - Reggie's taken care of.
Big severance.
We threw him some publishing.
He's buying a house in Westchester.
- Everybody's happy.
- Oh, I bet.
'Cause when you think Reggie, you think Westchester.
All right, Lou.
Suit guy.
- Ken.
- Thanks for filling us in on a bunch of stuff we didn't give a fuck about.
Okay for us to go? Just another minute of your time.
We understand you and Shy got pretty friendly on tour and that maybe you saw some things.
One thing in particular that occurred on a boat.
We know that you thought you were helping him, so the way it ended up with you on the tarmac that night, it doesn't seem right.
We want to make it right.
How does $2,000 sound? Two thousand dollars? Wow.
- You want to give me $2,000? - In exchange for your signature on a legal agreement stating that you won't disparage or besmirch Shy Baldwin in any way, publicly or privately.
You invited me so you could bribe me? It's not a bribe.
It's an agreement.
There is no way I would ever take $2,000 from you.
Uh, yeah, right.
Fuck you and your $2,000.
- How about three? - Miriam? - Nope.
Three? Forget it.
- Five.
Now, this is getting very interesting.
- Keep it.
- Yep.
We thought about it.
Not fucking interested.
- Ten.
- Okay, Miriam, that's a car.
Three cars or one big, fancy German car.
- A shiny, nazi Mercedes.
- No.
- No.
- Fuck! No.
Last and best.
Oh, are there harps playing somewhere? - I'm hearing harps.
- We're done here.
- We are? - Yes.
- Come on.
- We'd like you to reconsider.
The offer's gone as soon as you walk out the door.
I promised Shy I would never tell anyone about that night, and I haven't.
I promised Shy.
Let's go.
- Unless you want to - I want nothing from them.
Yep, me, neither.
Let's go.
Fuck you.
Stupid idea to come here.
- Was that aimed at me? - No.
- This was your idea.
- My idea? If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have found my invite to this thing for, like, ten months, so this is your fault.
Fuck it.
We're getting gift bags.
That's tacky.
I bet there's not even anything good Oh, my God, it's Chanel No.
- Get one for Grandma Mary.
- Who? Our grandmother who couldn't come tonight but was also invited and loves Chanel No.
- Got it.
- I'll meet you outside.
- Where the hell were you? - I was looking for a cab.
You told me, "Meet me out front.
" There weren't any cabs out front, so I thought I'd go around the corner because I remembered that whenever I shop at Bergdorf's, I always go out the side door to grab a cab - before they turn onto Fifth.
- I got this cab on Fifth.
Well, it's not a foolproof plan.
Just get in the goddamn car.
Next time, I leave you here.
Baby - The till's over.
- Over? That's not possible.
I did the count myself.
I counted twice.
There's an extra five.
Give it.
I must've screwed up.
Thanks for catching it.
- You know this guy? - Pop.
What are you doing here? I was in the area seeing one of my notions and trimmings guys and thought I'd stop by.
Well, come on in.
I'll spot you a drink.
Place looks good.
The decor, the ambience.
Very impressive.
Last time I was here, it was covered in buttons.
- Couple of whiskies for me and my pop.
- You got it, boss.
" I like the sound of that.
- It does not get old.
- You know that the key to a great relationship with your employees is respect.
In order for them to be productive, they got to think you trust them unconditionally.
- Absolutely.
- But every one of them's a thief, - so don't trust a single one.
- I know.
I put an extra five in the till, and he called it out.
And didn't pocket it.
That means he's a keeper.
I was taught by the best.
Any chance your girlfriend's around? No.
It's crunch time at school for her.
- Always with the books.
- In the summer? - It's medical school.
- Medical school.
Well, well, well.
She sounds interesting, this girl.
She is.
She's great.
With a lot of different sides to her.
Conflicting sides.
- What? - Well, the other night, the first half of dinner, she was Rachel, sometime before kugel, she was Rebecca, after kugel she was Ruth.
You kept them biblical.
- That was nice.
- I was nervous.
And I corrected myself.
You remember that, right? I do.
Just trying to think when was the last time I called Shirley Sheila or Trudy.
Or had to think for a couple of seconds when somebody asked how we met.
Ma's questions come pretty fast and furious, Pop.
- You know that.
- Mm-hmm.
Listen, so you know, what I know is all I need to know.
- I don't know.
- You like her.
That's all I know.
That's all I need to know.
But keep in mind your mother is very excited about Rachel Rebecca Ruth, and when she gets excited about something and that something disappoints her, our house gets very small and loud.
- I get it.
- The good news is your dinner appearance got you a little reprieve from her trying to set you up with every single Jewish girl she sees, including your cousin Rachel.
You can start answering your phone again.
So, there really is a girl? - Yes.
There really is.
- Okay.
That's all I need to know.
For now.
You got to open.
I'll see you around.
- Thank you.
- How many are you? Welcome to The Button Club, folks! - Benny, who's your pal? - Hey.
How you feeling? Feeling good? Feeling strong? Are you trying to speak? Tell me you did not lose your fucking voice.
I need to hear you say something.
I want to go home now.
All right, then, you're good to go.
In five, four, three, two Welcome back.
Our next guest is no stranger to you.
Or to plates.
It's the comedienne Sophie Lennon, but don't turn that dial - That's nice.
- because this is going to be a fascinating conversation.
I'm gonna make sure.
Come on out here, Sophie.
So Sophie Lennon.
Just how nutsy whacko are you? I believe the official diagnosis was "crazier than an outhouse rat.
" - Good girl.
- Well, my producers told me you'd be forthcoming this evening.
- So far, so good.
- Great.
So I can go now? You sit right back down now, lady.
You're not going anywhere.
In fact, you and I are gonna play a game.
- Ooh, a game.
- Just a little True or False.
I had my staff write down some of the various rumors we've heard about you over the years, and there are a lot of them.
So, I'm gonna read them, and you are gonna say - if they are true or false.
- Have at it.
- Here we go.
- Frank Sinatra wrote a song about you.
But it is true that I'm a tramp.
You once saved the life of a total stranger - choking in a restaurant.
- False.
But I'm the one who made up that rumor, and I'm glad to hear it's still going around.
You own a 300-acre ranch in Montana.
Honestly, who doesn't? You punched Olivia de Havilland.
She had it coming.
- You punched Humphrey Bogart.
- Cried harder than Olivia.
You're an addict.
With multiple addictions.
It's a long list.
You want to see it? - No, Gordon, this is dead wrong.
- It is.
I can stop numbers three and nine whenever I want.
Well, it's good to know there's no need to worry, then.
- Mm.
- You believe in intelligent life on other planets.
If there's none here, why would there be intelligent life anywhere else? Very true.
Next card.
Um, you provide financially for your 85-year-old mother.
- Yes, that is true.
- And in exchange, you have her do the ironing.
Well, when you stop working, you start dying.
That part is not true, to be clear.
You forbid your employees from wearing certain perfumes - I'll get it.
- But you'll miss the show.
There should be a way to pause this.
Like, you have a separate box recording the picture and sound simultaneously.
It should be able to rewind, too.
That's funny.
You once canceled a performance because you couldn't find your Seconal.
Uh, no, I could find my Seconal.
I just couldn't find the stage.
Oh, that's lovely.
It wasn't my fault.
Oh! Uh, sorry.
My stage manager, Maury, is either practicing for his dance recital, or he's motioning to me that it's time for our next guest.
But this being The Gordon Ford Show and my being Gordon Ford, I am making the decision to bump our next guest because I want to keep talking to Sophie.
Is that okay with you, folks? - You got some more time for me, Sophie? - Oh, I can even stay and clean up afterwards if you want me to.
So what happened that night, Sophie? The night of your big Broadway debut? Hmm.
- I got scared.
- Well, I think we can all understand that.
You were afraid that you'd fail? I think I was afraid I'd be good.
It's not a joke.
I was ready for that chance.
I rehearsed and rehearsed, and You ever feel so close to something you really want, so close that you just can't stand it, so you destroy it? You-you blow it all up? No.
Well, I glad you haven't, and I hope you never will.
Put that on your plate, gang.
Let's take a short break.
You're watching The Gordon Ford Show.
I told you so.
Right? - All right.
One last question.
- Indeed.
- Yes.
- On behalf of millions, are we ever gonna see Sophie from Queens again? Sophie from Queens? Hey.
Heck, Sophie's having a comeback! She's running after her career, yelling, "Come back!" But, you know, I would like my fans to get to know me, Gordon.
I'd like for them to spend some time with the real Sophie Lennon.
She's fun, too.
Well, you've been a lot of fun here tonight, Sophie.
A real gamer.
You are a true legend in this business.
And who here is perfect? Certainly not me.
Took a lot of guts to come out here and talk with me today, and I want to thank you.
I look forward to seeing what you're doing next, 'cause I will be watching.
Sophie Lennon, everyone.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
We love you, Sophie! Who are you? I'm here for the interview.
I had a 4:00.
- Today? - Yeah.
You do need a secretary.
You've been here since 4:00? 3:30.
I didn't want to be late.
You've been waiting for seven hours? - Okay, you're hired.
- I am? Congratulations.
You want a beer? Do I still get the job if I say no? - Yep.
You start tomorrow.
- What time? I don't know.
What time do jobs start? You're probably sleeping late, so 10:00? Good call.
- See you tomorrow.
- Hey, your first job is gonna be to tell all those other broads - they didn't get the job.
- Fine by me.
- Make it 10:30.
- See you at noon.
Hey, wait, what's your name? You taking Eighth? There's construction on Eighth.
I'm not taking Eighth.
Felt you turn right.
That would put you on Eighth.
Oh, look at that.
You're on Eighth.
- Get off of Eighth? - Yes, ma'am.
- Wait.
Wait, stop.
- What? Pull over.

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