The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s05e04 Episode Script


Who takes this town ♪
From brown ♪
To beds of green and rose? ♪
Thanks to New York City Turf ♪
And landscape pros ♪
Everything grows ♪
- Who makes some room ♪
- Mow the lawn ♪
- To bloom ♪
- Trim the trees ♪
Never fret or fuss ♪
Where more construction goes ♪
That's how it goes ♪
Thank you, New York City Turf ♪
Moving on, like the bees ♪
- Knowing thanks to us ♪
- That's how it goes ♪
- Everything grows ♪
That's how it goes ♪
Everything grows ♪
[STEVEN] All right, stop! Stop!
My petal got caught in the fence again.
- Do we have to lay down like that?
- Yes.
- Can we just crouch?
You haven't bloomed yet.
If you crouch, you've bloomed.
- There's not enough room.
- Well, it's all the room we have,
so there's plenty of room.
- Back to one!
- Are we ever gonna get through this?
Frank. Nicky.
- [NICKY] Wow. You got here fast.
- The message said come quick.
Usually when we call people
to come quick, they dillydally.
And cross state lines.
We appreciate you not
making us go to Connecticut
- to get you back.
- So, what's the emergency?
We need a favor.
Sure. What kind of favor?
We got a little show opening
here at the Expo tomorrow.
Just something fun, informative.
Excellent production values.
It is very good this year. Mm-hmm.
But our lead performer just dropped out.
- We can't find him.
- You tried Connecticut?
- We have, actually.
- Oh, he'll turn up somewhere,
most likely on the shore.
So, we were thinking: Midge.
- As what?
- As the lead character.
The lead. I thought you'd like that.
What the hell are you talking about?
One of our affiliates is
selling a product here
through the forum of music and dance,
and the leading part
is sort of a narrator.
Like Our Town with an edge.
Midge is a comic.
This isn't really her thing.
Could it be her thing? Just for a day?
I don't think so.
How about now?
That is a very nice number,
but she's got a full-time job now.
Mm. We already mentioned her
to the boss.
He loved the idea.
I'm really sorry.
- Oh.
Where are you going?
Boss was counting on this.
He likes to hear bad news
as soon as it happens.
Look, it's just
really short notice, you know?
Our Town, those people were actors.
Right? And Midge isn't an actor.
How about I help you find someone, huh?
Boss likes the idea of
the cute dirty girl doing this.
- Made him smile.
- A rarity, let me tell you.
I got a magician you guys will love.
His hair is long. I put him
in a dress. From a distance
Susie, this is me
asking you for a favor.
You understand "favor"?
Yeah, I understand "favor."
See, in a relationship like ours,
based partly on mutual respect
and partly on the fact
that I did a lot of
fucking favors for you
- The office
- The furniture.
the not killing you that time.
- That was a good favor.
- But, see, this,
when we come to you, hat in hand,
asking for a favor,
this is how you reciprocate.
This is how payback works.
So, I do this, it's payback.
It is, and very nice of you.
- And this counts as payback.
- Definitely counts.
- You want to see the paper again?
- No. I'm good.
- I'll talk to Midge.
- Ah.
The boss will be thrilled to hear it.
- [SINGERS] Everything grows ♪
[STEVEN] Up on that.
[STEVEN] Five, six, seven, eight.

- Heaven can wait ♪
- This is paradise
- Morning. Hair of the dog?
- Gordon Ford Show.
- Morning. Hair of the dog?
Morning. Hair of the dog?
Morning. Hair of the dog?
You know, everything's on
backwards, dear.
Take two.
- Morning, Marge.
- Morning. Hair of the dog?
What? Oh. Ew. No. What is that?
The only useful thing
my mother ever taught me.
Morning, Trudy.
I don't ever want to be
number one again.
[MARGE] Morning. Hair of the dog?
[MEL] Oh, God, that's terrible.
- Are you gonna drink yours?
- Didn't I already?
- I don't think so.
- Oh. Here.
- Oh, God, that's terrible.
- I don't understand.
How did I wake up in Wollman Rink?
Two in the morning, there I was.
Ah. Beats me.
Had skates on. Did I skate there?
At least it was a skating rink.
Yeah, but not the same rink
I started out in.
- I think I kissed Betty Porter.
- I think I kissed Betty Porter.
Morning, gentlemen.
Did we all kiss Betty Porter?
Betty Porter wasn't there last night.
- Are you sure?
- She had a baby last Tuesday.
- Baby?
- Christ. Who did I kiss?
- Betty Porter was pregnant?
Drink up, boys.
Hair of the dog?
- No, thank you.
- Morning, boss.
Midge, no one needs
that much happiness right now.
Sorry. Geez, no one here
can hold their liquor?
Really? Where have
all the real men gone?
If you find out, let me know.
Hey, did you know
Betty Porter was pregnant?
What are you insinuating?
Midge, Gordon wants to see you
in the studio.
- Oh. Now?
- Uh-huh.
Heaven can wait ♪
You know, that's a lot
more fun with a girl.
New chair. Making sure
it maneuvers just right.
They think hosting a talk show
is all about
the charisma and the jokes,
but really it's all about the chair.
Five point eight from the Russian judge.
Let's see Jack Paar do that.
You seem to have weathered the storm
better than the rest of the group.
Mm. Scottish ancestry.
And I've had three of Marge's
drinks and I've thrown up twice.
- Huh.
- You look good.
I never drink and skate.
Yeah, I was a little tipsy last night.
- Were ya?
- Yes.
I might've noticed.
I just wanted to make sure that
you're okay with everything.
With me, actually, after the, uh,
sort of, the thing with
- the lips that touched.
- The kiss.
Is that what the kids
are calling it these days?
- I'm fine.
- Good. Good, I'm fine, too.
Hey, since we're both fine,
what do you say we start over?
- Meaning?
- Go out with me.
Dinner. No ice. Solid ground.
- I'm flattered, but
- Come on.
I can be quite charming
when I'm not plastered
- and flat on my ass.
- No.
Give me one good reason.
I can give you 30 good reasons.
Okay, well, I don't have time for 30,
- but give me your top ten.
- One, you are not Jewish.
Ah, I am Jewish.
Changed it from Fordberg. Next.
- Two, you are my boss.
- You're fired. Three.
How about I just skip to ten?
You're married.
That's number ten?
Yes, I am married but with a caveat.
- That's a new one.
- It's a very specific kind of marriage.
We have an understanding.
As in, if there's a sock
on the door, don't come in?
As in, she has her life and I have mine.
- That's called being single.
- My wife is a great lady.
I admire her, I love her,
- and she's very flexible.
- Contortionist?
No. Well, yes, but no.
Jack Paar dated a girl on his show once,
and then that girl was
mysteriously killed.
I have never heard that story.
- Ask Jack.
- I will.
But even if that were true,
that's very unlikely
to happen to you here at 30 Rock.
The worst that can happen is you
get fan-kicked by a Rockette.
I'm not going out with you.
I haven't even told you
where we're going.
It would complicate my quest
to be on your show.
- You are on my show.
- I mean "on" on your show.
No. You're too pretty
to be "on" on my show.
- No one would look at me.
- Well, I plan on
walking through
a plate glass window later on.
- You'd still be pretty.
- Excuse me.
Sorry, Gordon.
Midge, you have a phone call.
Thanks, Dorie.
Seems I have
a very important phone call.
I notice you tend to leave all
of our conversations unfinished.
I have a problem with closure.
Enjoy your chair.
Hi. Listen.
I got a weird call today
from Frank and Nicky.
Yeah, yeah, I thought "oops," too,
originally, but I met with them,
and it may not be "oops" after all.
Uh, they're doing a show
at the Building New York Expo.
Frank and Nicky are doing a show?
- Yes.
- Like performing in it?
No, they're sort of producing it.
Are they hands-on producers
or just the money?
None of that is important.
Well, if you're in the show, it is.
Can you stop your brain for one second
and take in all the information
before you speak?
- No.
- Fine.
Listen, they got this show,
someone dropped out,
and they asked me for a favor.
I'm back to "oops."
It's not "oops." Enough with the "oops."
They want you to fill in.
- Is it a stand-up show?
- No.
It's like an industrial show.
Scripted stuff.
I don't do scripted stuff.
You did it on the radio.
No one could see me on the radio.
I was visibly free to panic.
It's two shows.
I'm not asking you to star in Brigadoon.
I don't know.
- Look
- [DINAH] Susie Myerson and Associates.
She is on another call right now.
Okay, you were right.
Frank and Nicky come with strings.
- Susie
- Yes.
Fine, I am an asshole.
But here's the deal:
if you do this thing for them,
this one favor, it'll be
considered reciprocation,
meaning we're off the hook.
I know what reciprocation means.
Do they know what reciprocation means?
Yes, it means I'm not
looking over my shoulder
for the rest of my goddamn life.
And what is this thing, again?
Oh, the thing I saw was cute.
Oh, they had tulips dancing around.
Girly shit. You love girly shit.
And what about my day job?
Tell 'em you're sick. Lady troubles.
I am not telling them
I have lady troubles.
It's a great excuse.
It could mean anything,
and I can guarantee you
not one guy is gonna ask you to clarify.
Hey, what do you know
about Gordon's wife?
- What?
- His wife.
I think her name's Hedy.
Nothing. Why? Nothing.
They have a weird relationship,
and I wondered if you knew the story.
Why the fuck would I know the story?
Who am I, Louella Parsons?
She's kind of a public figure,
so I thought
I don't know anything about wives.
I don't like wives.
There shouldn't be wives.
Okay. Sorry.
Look, are you gonna do
this thing or not?
I went to an industrial once.
On a school trip. It was fun, actually.
I saw a Pyrex show that changed my life.
Maybe I could have Joel
bring the kids down to see it.
It's gonna be years before I'll
let them watch my real show.
Longer if they're screwed up
and I need them for material.
So, you'll do it?
Sure. Let's reciprocate.
Thank you.
You owe me.
Yeah. Story of my fucking life.
- [MARGE] Hair of the dog?
[ABE] Mmm.
Zelda, this is delicious. What is it?
[ZELDA] You like it? It's
an old-world recipe called
Stop! Don't tell me. Too scary.
I just want to enjoy it.
Miriam, pass some more of the
old-world mystery stew, please.
So pretty.
Well, we haven't been out to the theater
and supper after with
friends in forever.
I thought it was time
to break out the finery.
Miriam, the bowl.
This was Grandma's, right?
It was my grandmother's, actually.
Handed down to my mother then to me.
- Then to me.
- [ROSE] Someday.
Yeah, someday.
Stop imagining my death.
- I'm not imagining your death.
- Can someone please hand me
You're imagining
those earrings on your ears,
which means I'm dead.
Maybe you just decided to give
them to me for my next birthday.
No, I'm dead.
What's the show you're going to see?
Well, it's That's disturbing.
It's something written by
a friend of Abe's, right, Abe?
Not a friend, exactly.
He was a writer at The Voice.
I knew him a little bit,
but he left soon after I got there.
He was a fine fellow.
I think there were real
friendship possibilities there,
had he stayed, but he left.
Long-distance relationships rarely work.
Well, I don't care who wrote it.
I just want to
get dressed up and go out.
I hope everyone is roomy for dessert.
It's very special. Janusz made it.
It looks lovely, Janusz.
It is a babka with a special
rum syrup and candy violets,
- just like my mother used to make.
- Aw.
The little ones are having
pieces in the kitchen now.
I put little plastic soldiers on theirs.
- They thought that was fun.
Oh, put it here, Zelda. I'm done.
Whoa, Janusz, this seems like
it has a lot of booze in it.
Oh, no, no, no. That's just the smell.
The rum all burns off
in the baking. Try.
Should I put some soldiers
on it for you?
I'm a pacifist, but thank you.
- Ah.
They'll sleep well tonight.
- [WOMAN OVER P.A.] Building New York,
where the greatest city in
New York keeps getting better.
[MAN OVER SPEAKER] How'd you get here?
Don't you live on Staten Island?
[MAN 2] I took the new Verazzano Bridge.
- [WOMAN OVER P.A.] Close your eyes.
Your new dream kitchen is appearing now
on the south stage.
Make all your dreams come true.
I'm itchin' for a new dream kitchen ♪
With the top technology ♪
Can't wait for
the right refrigerator ♪
Later model so chic ♪
I'm weak in the knee ♪

I'm shaking for some hot zone bakin' ♪
Making classic cake for two ♪
But just one thing
can cure my kitchen itchin' ♪
Baby's gotta make
her dream come true ♪
I'm cranky for a butler's pantry ♪
Can't the butler be included, too? ♪
Help me please relieve
my kitchen itchin' ♪
And my bakin' shakin' ♪
Oh, this pantry, can't we ♪
Go and make
your baby's dream come true? ♪
- Make your kitchen
- There she is.
The lady of the hour.
That is an excellent neckline
for you, Midge.
- Same to you, Nicky.
- I hope Susie expressed to you
our deepest gratitude for doing this.
She has expressed many things, yes.
Good. So, Jerome here Where are you?
- Uh No.
- Don't fucking hide from me.
You'd think these show business
types would be so outgoing,
but I got to tell you,
I find them a total mess.
- Shaking, crying.
- Very nervous bunch.
Anyhow, Jerome is our writer,
and he's making some quick
adjustments, emphasis on quick.
- Very quick.
- Nice to meet you, Jerome.
Apologies for getting
the pages to you so late.
We had a lot of reworking to do.
Anyway, here's your costume.
It's got a little hat.
I knew you'd like that.
Jerome, pages.
Uh, it would be terrific
if you were off-book.
But if you have to cheat
a little, we understand.
Ah, here we are.
Uh what's this?
- This is your stage.
- Biggest one in the joint.
Had to wrestle it out
from under the bricklayers.
Those motherfuckers don't budge.
But what is waste management?
I'm doing waste management?
Private demolition and waste management.
I'm hawking garbage?
Garbage disposal.
You sound disappointed.
Well, no, but I just saw
the pretty kitchen
and the oven
that hands you a cake, and I
Did Susie not tell you about
the slip of paper?
- Buy yourself a cake.
- Sure.
So, you should get changed
and learn those lines.
Jerome. Run 'em with her.
the Second Avenue subway.
Yeah, good luck with that.
[MIDGE] Private Demolition
and Waste Management:
A Musical Journey in Three Acts,
2:00 p.m. on the main stage.
Private Demolition and Waste Management:
A Musical Journey in Three Acts
at 2:00 p.m. on the main stage.
What the hell are you dressed as?
I am a private demolition
and waste management historian
and troubadour.
A fucking garbageman?
- Yes.
- That suit doesn't even fit you.
It's not for me.
It's for a 200-pound guy
hiding out in Binghamton.
And from the smell of this thing,
he shit his pants before he left.
- Jesus.
- It came with a cigar stub.
- It's still wet.
- No.
- I am not putting it in my mouth.
Well, at least your show's
on the main stage.
Have you seen the script?
- What is this, tears?
- It's terrible.
Fine, so you won't win a Tony.
It's a couple of days,
a couple of shows,
and then you and I are
completely reciprocated.
Right? Plus, there's the
Do not say "slip of paper" to me again.
Well, I have to say,
you are fucking adorable
in that garbage guy suit.
Gee, you sure know
how to sweet-talk a girl.
- Where's the cigar stub?
- I'm having it dry-cleaned.
- It's a great prop.
- It says so much about the character.
- Try it.
- Not without a tetanus shot.
Suit yourself. Still fucking adorable.
- Right, Susie?
- I'm gonna get one for myself.
- It's time.
- Oh, I've got butterflies.
We'll be over there watching.
So, uh, tits up,
if you got tits in there.
- Wait, where are you going?
- I got some work.
- Fuck you. This is your work.
- I do not want to watch this.
I am not reciprocating alone here.
- Do you know your lines?
- No, I do not.
You're supposed to be off-book.
I'm also supposed to be a man.
They know where my parents live.
They know where my parents live,
too, Jerome.
[JEROME] I should've been a pharmacist.
[MIDGE] Preaching to the choir, pal.
Private Waste Management:
A Musical Journey in Three Acts
starts now on the main stage.
Join us, won't you?
[BOY] Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Please bless Mommy and Daddy
and my little brother.
And mostly, God, please bless
New York City,
the greatest city
in the whole wide world.
I sure am lucky I live here. Amen.
[WHISPERS] Hey, guys, he's asleep.

What are they gonna do
to that little boy?
Who do you call to haul the trash ♪
The city trucks won't touch? ♪
Who's got the hard-won know-how ♪
With things hazardous and such? ♪
Who comes at night
staying out of sight ♪
And gone by break of day? ♪
You got a pile, a full square mile ♪
Who's gonna take it away? ♪
- Your personal trash man can ♪
He'll come and get your junk ♪
Your personal trash man can ♪
Each mattress bunk by bunk ♪
Who clears out all the evidence ♪
You ain't been spick-and-span? ♪
Your personal trash man can ♪
Toxic paint and cooking grease? ♪
Take it away, boys, take it away ♪
Feral pets not in your lease? ♪
Take it away, boys, take it away ♪
Leaded pipes and plumbing paste? ♪
Get your gloves,
that's medical waste ♪
Take it away, boys, take it away ♪
Take it away, take it away ♪
Huh, huh-huh, hey ♪
Whoa ♪
Hey, hey ♪
- Sun's coming up, boys.
We got to hurry.
Your personal trash man can ♪
No job too big or small ♪
Just pay him in cash and bam ♪
No questions asked at all ♪
Who's here to make things disappear ♪
That ain't part of your plan? ♪
Your personal trash man ♪
Your pick-up-the-stash man ♪
Your personal ♪
Trash man can ♪
Not bad.

[MIDGE] Wow.
Smell that fresh, sweet air.
You'd never know that just last night,
there was a mound of trash
as high as an elephant's eye.
High enough that
the Von Trapp Family Singers
could climb over it to escape the Nazis.
That's pretty high,
but now look at it. Gone.
Now all you see are sidewalks so clean
you could eat off of them.
Streets so gleaming
you could see your reflection.
- Hmm, looks like I need a shave.
- [PAPERBOY] Extra! Extra!
Oh, look, there's the paperboy.
New York's rooster.
Looks like it's that time again.
- The city's waking up.
All these happy people
excited to start their day.
Why, there's young mothers with babies
There's a businessman with a briefcase,
off to conquer the world.
Storekeepers ready to sell their goods
and waitresses rushing to
get you those sunny-side up eggs
you need to get you through your day.
All these people
walking down cleared sidewalks,
nothing in their way.
And yet some people think
the city is responsible
for this modern miracle.
But I'll tell you a secret: it's not.
- [BOY] It's not?
- No, little boy, it's not.
The city only disposes of
a small amount of actual trash
that is thrown away, the easy stuff,
but we live in a big city.
- We have big city trash.
- That's right.
And to get rid of big city trash,
you're going to need private demolition
and waste management.
[BOY] What is private demolition
and waste management?
Well, it's a company that
you pay to take away everything
that the city won't,
and unlike the city,
they never say no.
- Hello, old-timer.
- What you got there?
- I just got my bill here.
- A bill for what?
- I ran into some old paint,
rat poison, liquid chemicals,
DDT and a broken bookshelf,
and I wanted someone
to take it all away.
Then I got this estimate, ten dollars.
Just to pick some trash up
and take it far away from me?
- Are they kidding?
- Ten dollars isn't much.
It's ridiculous. I won't pay it.
I'll just put it out with my city trash.
The city won't take that, old-timer.
[OLD MAN] Well,
then I'll just take it down
to the church preschool
parking lot on the corner
and burn it, problem solved.
- You sure you want to do that?
- I certainly do.
As far as I'm concerned,
I wish I'd never heard
of private demolition
and waste management.
- Oh, no.
There once were trees ♪
And clear blue seas ♪
But now all the babies
are born here with rabies ♪
And full goatees ♪
Oh, so tough to raise ♪
We've seen better days ♪
Trash ♪
This life ain't fair ♪
- Smog ♪
- Beyond repair ♪
- Death ♪
- You're begging for mercy ♪
When you go to Jersey ♪
- To smell fresh air ♪
- Hoboken ♪
- Sweet toxic haze ♪
- Ha, ha, ha, haze ♪
- We've seen better days ♪
Telling you, good hygiene pays ♪
It's true ♪
Ain't gonna be no better ♪
[SCREAMS] He's dead!
- My boy is dead!
[MIDGE] Oh, no,
that looks like something
the demolition of a giant
building might've caused.
It did. I thought
the city would've hauled away
all the dangerous demolition waste.
The city doesn't
haul that away, old-timer.
- [SOBS] I know.
- I tried to warn you.
- You did.
- You need private demolition
and waste management to do that,
but you didn't want to pay for it.
I didn't want to pay for it,
and now my boy is gone!
[MIDGE] Yes, he is.
Happy people die every day from trash.
Ten thousand tons of garbage accumulate
in New York City every single hour.
The average person throws out
2.68 pounds of garbage per day,
and that's a really thin person.
Mismanaged waste kills up to
a million people a year globally
and can potentially carry
diphtheria, dysentery,
hepatitis A and B and C and D and E,
meningitis, cancer, tetanus,
tuberculosis, pneumonia,
influenza, syphilis and
assorted blood-borne pathogens,
parasitic infections,
zoonotic illnesses,
plus there won't be any place to park.
I can't hear any more. I'm convinced.
Private demolition and
waste management is important.
It's important! Oh!
[MIDGE] It is important.
People think happiness is such
a difficult thing to attain,
when in reality it all comes down
to the little things in life:
family, friends, smiles
and private demolition
and waste management.
The truth is
right in front of your face,
or on the sole of your shoe.
Tell 'em, folks.
Goodbye, junk misplaced ♪
So long, fumes we taste ♪
Ah, hello, private waste ♪
Private waste management ♪
Take it away ♪
- Trash ♪
All right, Tess!
Well, I was a little behind
at the beginning, I admit.
It took me 45 minutes to realize
she was talking about the dog
It's as if each play was written
by a different person.
I don't know his theater work.
I only know his writing in The Voice.
Well, his theater work is
infinitely better.
Oh, he'd love to hear that, Abe.
I just mean that i-in the theater,
he can explore more meaningful subjects.
There are layers to his work onstage.
- Some of his work.
- The Taskmaster?
Oh, sure, pick the one great one,
but A Bridge to a Road?
- Terrible title.
- Terrible play.
- I don't think so. Abe?
- But a couple of terrific monologues.
Abe, that was an Irish accent, right?
Dublin. I assume he means
the Dublin in Ireland.
You do realize
he's sitting right over there?
- Where?
- Right th Carl!
- One of your best.
- Hear, hear.
- It was wonderful.
- Well done.
Well, now I feel a little dirty.
- Who was that?
- That was the playwright.
- Really? He looks so normal.
- Like a bank teller.
Well, he's not a bank teller.
He's a talented writer.
Occasionally, yes, he is.
Better to be a bank teller.
A bank teller can always get a job.
But seriously, Abe,
you liked this play tonight?
I did. I thought his contemplation
on God and religion,
the parallels between marriage
and death and madness
Though a little heavy-handed
Was extremely thoughtful.
My goodness.
When did all of that happen?
That's what the play was about.
Really? I thought it was about
a little boy who loses his dog.
- In Dublin.
- Yes, in Dublin.
No, that was just a device he used
to talk about the man's
confusion with his sexuality
and his tortured relationship
with Jesus.
When did they mention Jesus?
They didn't have to mention it.
Jesus was all over the place.
His wife's name was Mary.
He wore sandals, the wine.
He owned a bar. Wouldn't they
have wine in a bar?
You know, they usually don't
have very good wine in a bar.
- It's always warm.
- I never order wine in a bar.
When are you ever in a bar?
Never, which is why
I never order wine in a bar.
Well, I didn't notice
any of these things.
I thought it was a very touching
story of a boy and his dog.
- And the dog was terrific.
- [ROSE] Wonderful.
Oh, wait. Last November.
I was in a bar last November.
With whom?
That wasn't what
the play was about at all, Rose.
But I agree with you about the dog.
They never mention Jesus or his
confusion with his sexuality.
- They don't have to mention it.
- Well, it would certainly help.
Anyhow, that's not the play I saw.
Art is there
for your interpretation, Rose.
[ABE] No, it's not.
You don't just decide the story
is whatever you want it to be.
I didn't decide anything.
I watched a boy and his dog who died.
- But it wasn't about that.
- How do you know?
I am a theater critic. I'm paid to know.
It's fine if you didn't get it.
It's not Guys and Dolls.
Well, I just loved her dress. [LAUGHS]
Well, I need another drink.
You loved Guys and Dolls.
Of course I did. It was a delight.
- Tuppance, drink?
- I saw Guys and Dolls with
Is it possible, Abe, that you're wrong?
That the play tonight was not
actually a deep meditation
on Jesus and latent homosexuality
but instead a sweet, simple play
about a boy who lost his dog?
- No.
- It's not possible?
- Under any circumstances?
- No, Rose,
and I don't know why you're
getting so upset over this.
Because you're calling me an idiot.
I am not calling you an idiot.
I simply said
you don't understand the play,
- at all. That's fine.
- Because I'm an idiot.
Retreat, retreat, retreat.
Rose, just because you can't grasp
a complex thematic piece like this
is not some reflection
on your intelligence.
I don't understand anything that you do.
Does that make me an idiot?
- I'm gonna have dessert.
- Me, too.
You know what? Maybe you're right.
- Thank you.
- Let's ask the man who wrote it.
What? No, Rose.
You do not interrupt
a post-opening meal.
Not until the good reviews
come out. Rose!
Excuse me.
I'm Rose Weissman, Abe's wife.
We just saw your play tonight,
and, um, do you mind?
- Oh, well, I, uh
- Thank you so much.
I was just wondering
if you could tell us
what you think your play's about.
He wrote it, Rose.
He knows what it's about.
- Hello, Carl.
- Hello, Abe.
The sound design was terrific.
Well, fine. Tell me, then.
What was your play about?
Well, when I was a boy,
I had a dog named Tom,
and he died very suddenly one summer,
and I never really got over it.
Is that it?
I-It was very scarring.
Now the Crusaders come into this game
sporting a 26 and 2 record,
while the Marksmen have
Oh! Mr. and Mrs. Weissman!
Janusz just proposed, and I said yes!
- She said yes.
- Can I make you a sandwich?
What? No. No. You proposed?
- And I said yes.
- She said yes.
How about an omelet?
No. No omelet.
Oh, Zelda. I'm so happy for you.
Thank you, Mrs. Weissman.
I will clean up the rose petals
after dessert.
You've got yourself a wonderful woman.
Thank you, Mr. Weissman.
I fixed the light in the linen closet.
Oh, good.
- Well, good night.
- Yes. Good night.
[ZELDA] I finished the dishes.
[JANUSZ] I moved furniture back.
[ZELDA] What a wonderful evening.
- [JANUSZ] The door needs oil.
- Wow.
- This was performed?
- In front of live people?
- Unfortunately, yes.
- We work too hard.
- I just want it a little better.
Please, any suggestion at all.
Adam, come on. Jump in here.
Your wife's so fat that
Well, that's just rude.
No. You're always making
"my wife's so fat" jokes.
The woman's had three kids.
You try losing the baby weight
after three kids.
[TRUDY] Alvin, is the script ready yet?
- Almost.
- 'Cause I should be typing it already.
- One second, Trudy.
- Should I bring in my typewriter?
- Will it make you happy, Trudy?
- Gordon's gonna need it soon.
Even if I had a better opening joke.
We have to finish
our real work first, Midge.
I was gonna pitch the kid should
get a pole through his head,
- but that's already taken.
- What about a pogo stick?
[GORDON] Goddamn it, George!
Ah, I can't believe this is happening!
[GEORGE] We will fix this, Gordon.
- No one saw him go?
- He was in the makeup chair.
Sally went to get
some more cotton balls.
When she came back, he was gone.
Did I need to know about
the cotton balls, Marge?
No, Gordon.
Was that information
pertinent to this situation?
- I'm just filling you in, Gordon.
- Oh! Well, thank you.
Any other random facts
you want to throw in there?
What was the temperature
of the room when he left?
Was he cold? Maybe he needed a sweater.
Maybe that's why 20 minutes before
I'm supposed to go on air,
my fucking comedian takes off
and no one notices.
Have we checked the sweater room?
Do we have a sweater room?
Maybe we need a sweater room.
George, call a guy.
I want a sweater room installed
right now.
Okay. Are you serious about that?
No, I'm not serious about
installing a sweater room.
I am serious about the fact
that I'm now missing a guest,
and is anyone doing
anything about that? Mike?
- I'm on it, Gordon.
- You are my talent booker.
Book me some goddamn talent.
- Marge?
- Yes?
- Was I just an asshole to you?
- Yes.
I'm sorry. Buy yourself some flowers.
- Mike?
- Got his manager on the line now.
How? How does he just leave?
He's unstable. That's why he's funny.
- Eh, he's not that funny.
- He could come back.
I don't think he's coming back.
He took his coat, his hat and
a Gordon Ford Show coffee mug.
From now on, no one gets a mug
until after they've actually
appeared on the show.
Am I clear? Mike?
No coffee mugs until after the show.
I mean where are we with a comic, Mike?
Doing my best, Gordon.
Okay, well, bright side,
it's the final slot.
People may have tuned out by then.
Is that the bright side, George?
That people have tuned out
before the show is even over?
No, I mean, why don't we just
extend the next to last guest,
- the guy from the Bronx Zoo?
- Oh, God.
We'll just ask him
to bring out a third animal.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm not pretending
to give a shit about three animals.
I don't give a shit about two animals.
One animal can go fuck himself.
I want a comic!
- Writers! [GRUNTS]
Pay close attention!
Any loser stand-ups that you know,
that you're friends with,
went to school with,
that you bowl with,
who fucked your cousin
or who you might be related to,
call them.
Bring them in, Mike will vet
them, and even if they stink,
he will still give them the thumbs up.
I repeat, anyone breathing
with a tight six minutes,
it's their goddamn lucky day.
Mike! You and that Rolodex,
my office, now!
[ALVIN] Come on, guys,
someone must know someone.
[HERB] Gee, Alvin, I don't know.
[CECIL] Got a dozen knock-knock jokes.
No? Nobody?
[ADAM] Cecil, what about your dad?
Now, this is going to be
a very nice house,
so I'd appreciate if you didn't
immediately shit all over it.
- You have an entire city out there.
Crap to your heart's content.
Susie Myerson and
Yep. Yep, she's right here.
It's Midge.
Hey there.
how much trouble will you get in
if I don't do the garbage show today?
You mean how many limbs will I lose?
- Yes.
- And will I miss them?
- Right.
- I'd say four and I would.
There's a chance I might be
on the show tonight.
- What show?
- The Gordon Ford Show.
Is that a bad "fuck" or a good "fuck"?
It's a bad "fuck" at the moment,
but it could turn into
a good "fuck" if you get on the show.
It's basically a very flexible
"fuck." What's going on?
Things are happening. Stay by the phone.
I'll call you back.
Diller's in Paris,
Schreiber's in Denver,
Sahl's sick.
Stiller said yes, Meara said no.
[GROANS] She never forgave
that crack about her upper arms.
Waiting to hear from Storch
and Allen. Should I try Hope?
Fuck. Yes.
Okay. Be right back.
- Gordon?
- Yeah?
- Put me in, Coach.
- What?
I've got 20 clean,
broadcast-friendly minutes
on various topics.
I've got family jokes, political jokes.
I've got political family jokes.
I'm ready.
For what?
To go on the show.
- This show?
- Yes.
What other show is there?
Tina, could you give me
a minute, please?
- Don't touch your nose.
- I will not touch my nose.
- Don't touch his nose.
- Mm-hmm.
So? What do you think?
I think, yes,
you should not touch my nose.
Come on. It solves all your problems.
I'm right here, I will not
disappear from the green room,
and I just had my hair done.
- Midge
- I'll run the jokes by the team.
I'll even ask Alvin for his opinion,
even though I truly don't care.
- It's not gonna happen.
- Why not?
Thank you for offering.
Is this because I won't go out with you?
I don't think that's been settled yet.
It's pretty settled.
Not the way I remember it.
Me dating you
and the Dreyfus affair. Settled.
No, this is not because
you won't go out with me.
Then why? Because I'm too pretty?
No, but you are very pretty.
We have a rule here, hard
and fast, never been broken.
No one who works on the show
can be on the show.
Well, that's a dumb rule.
Change that rule.
I'm not gonna change that rule.
Gordon, I'm a stand-up.
- You saw me. You liked me.
- I did.
No exceptions.
I want to be on your couch.
- Oh, well, sure
- No, not that couch.
- Sorry.
- This is dumb.
You have an empty slot to fill.
You said, and I quote:
"Any loser comic."
You even said they could stink.
You know Ralph's a stand-up?
I did not know that.
He really wants to be on the show.
Ralph's never coming on the show.
- Okay, but
- Cecil's a comic, too.
A good one. Cecil's never
coming on the show.
- Mel's a stand-up.
- I know about Mel.
Works all the time. People love him.
Mel's never coming on the show.
This is an arbitrary rule.
Willie tried. You know Willie?
The security guard?
Singer. Beautiful baritone voice.
- Willie's not coming on the show.
- Gordon
You make a good living here, right?
- I do.
- It's nice, the paycheck.
That should be enough.
Well, guess that's it.
That's it.
Thank you for your time.
Now, I have to go, or I'll be
late for my garbage gig.
I have no context
for what you just said.
Send Tina back in.
[MIDGE] He touched his nose.
I did not.
- [TULIP] I'm not wearing that.
- I will pay you an extra ten.
That's embarrassing.
Oh, what you got on now is a step-up?
- [MIDGE] Susie.
- What are you doing here?
What happened to being on the show?
It's not happening.
That's what happened.
Can I have my jumpsuit, please?
- I don't understand.
- A writer can't be on the show, ever.
The fuck are you talking about?
You can go.
Fine. Here.
It's a rule. Never broken.
I will never appear
on The Gordon Ford Show.
- Fuck!
- A good "fuck" or a bad "fuck"?
- That is a flat-out bad "fuck."
- I second that "fuck,"
and I'll raise you
two "shits" and a "cocksucker."
- It's a stupid-ass rule!
- Yes, it is.
Okay. I'm gonna go get this
over with, if you don't mind.
[ETHAN] Mommy! Mommy!
Ethan. Hi, baby.
We're here to see the show.
- How did you know about the show?
- You invited us.
- Oh, shit, that's right.
- [JOEL] We almost didn't make it.
Esther suddenly decided
she was sick of hearing
- the voices of our family.
- Wow.
I had to bribe her with ice
cream and a trip to FAO Schwarz.
She's a genius.
- [JOEL] You okay?
- Yes. I'm fine.
- You remembered we were coming, right?
- I did.
Just as soon as you got here.
- You want us to go?
- No.
No. Stay, enjoy the show.
I just had a bad day, that's all.
Why? Problems at work?
- Well
- Ah! Too much talking!
Boy, are you in the wrong family, kid.
Okay. There's hot dogs around somewhere.
Just stuff their faces.
I'll see you after.
some days are harder
than others, you know?
Yeah. I know.
- [ESTHER] Daddy! Daddy!
- Hey, Esther.
[MAN OVER P.A.] The public has spoken.
- Hey. Hey. Sorry. Sorry.
- Private Waste Management:
A Musical Journey in Three Acts
- is a hit.
- That looks good.
Catch it now on the main stage.
Ah, ah, ah.
[BOY] Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Please bless Mommy and Daddy
and my little brother
And, mostly, God, please bless
Christ. Hot in there.
Go on.
[BOY] Please bless New York City,
the greatest city
in the whole wide world.
I sure am lucky I live here. Amen.
[MIDGE] This kid's gonna spend
the next ten years
- stuffed in a locker.
- Hey, guys, he's asleep.
Who do you call to haul the trash ♪
The city trucks won't touch? ♪
Who's got the hard-won know-how ♪
With things hazardous and such? ♪
Who comes at night
staying out of sight ♪
And gone by break of day? ♪
You got a pile, a full square mile ♪
Who's gonna take it away? ♪
- Your personal trash man can ♪
He'll come and get ♪
Your personal trash man can ♪
Wow. Smell that fresh, sweet air.
You'd never know that just last night,
there was a mound of trash
as high as an elephant's eye.
High enough that
the Von Trapp Family Singers
could climb over it to escape the Nazis.
That's pretty high.
But now look at it. Gone.
Now all you see are sidewalks so clean
you could eat off them.
Streets so gleaming
you could see your reflection.
- Hmm, looks like I need a shave.
Ah, that joke has found its demographic.
What the fuck?
- [PAPERBOY] Extra! Extra!
[MIDGE] There's the paperboy.
He delivers, well, papers,
which become trash, ironically.
- There's a mother with her babies.
A guy with a briefcase who's the father
of at least one of those babies.
Apparently, the one thing
these people haven't thrown away
is the amphetamines.
- [BOY] It's not?
- What?
Oh, right. Wait. Okay.
Here I am, okay.
You haven't missed much, trust me.
No, little boy, it's not.
The city only disposes of a
small amount of the actual trash
that is thrown away, the easy stuff.
But we live in a big city.
We have big city trash.
See where I'm going with this?
[BOY] What is private demolition
and waste management?
God, that's annoying.
[TESSIE] There once were trees ♪
- And clear blue seas ♪
But now all the babies are born here ♪
With rabies and full goatees ♪
Oh, so tough to raise ♪
We've seen better days ♪
- Trash ♪
- This life ain't fair ♪
- Smog ♪
- Beyond repair ♪
- Death ♪
- You're begging for mercy ♪
When you go to Jersey ♪
To smell fresh air ♪
- Hoboken ♪
- Too close.
- Sweet toxic haze ♪
- Haze ♪
We've seen better days ♪
- Telling you, good hygiene pays
Hey, what the hell's going on up there?
- What? It's the trash show.
- No, it's not.
- She's fucking around up there.
- And she's still not off-book.
- What do you want from me?
- I want what was promised.
She's up there. She's in the suit.
From the beginning,
she's been a problem.
[NICKY] She wouldn't use the cigar.
Nobody's missing the cigar.
- I asked you for a favor.
- I know.
And I thought you were taking
that favor seriously.
I did take it seriously.
Does this look like serious to you?
[MIDGE] Is this a bad time
to ask where his mother is?
[FRANK] That looks like
a temper tantrum,
and I don't like temper tantrums.
Listen to me, the next time
I ask you for a favor
- Next time?
- Yeah, next time.
This was the favor, Frank.
What the fuck are you talking about?
We reciprocated. This was it.
- It? It?
- There is no "it," Susie.
We own you.
Thirty percent of everything you do,
everything you touch,
everything she touches.
That's the deal.
Yeah, but that was
before we agreed to do this.
Oh, Susie, I think you have
a problem understanding things.
No, I don't. This was
supposed to make us square.
There is no making us square.
This is it. This is the situation.
[MIDGE] Mismanaged waste kills up to
For how long?
For as long as you are
Susie fucking Myerson!
Now you get your head straight,
and you get her head straight.
And don't you ever fuck
with a musical production of ours again.
Next time, there's gonna be tech.
[MIDGE] parasitic illness.
Yeah, I guess while he mourns
his little cartwheeler,
I'm supposed to tell you now about
all the ways that trash can kill you.
- Bye Bye Birdie it ain't.
What's going on here?
It's a trade show.
Go buy some tires, hmm?
Why is Midge giving up onstage?
She never gives up onstage.
I don't know, Joel. It's an off night.
- Ask for your money back.
- Who are those guys, Susie?
- They're no one.
- They don't look like no one.
- Well, they are.
- Did you piss them off?
Leave me alone.
What did you do?
Why are they threatening you?
Why are they looking at Midge
like she's got
a fucking lot number on her ass?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Did you get her mixed up in something?
What's happening, "manager"?
You mobbed up?
- No.
- No?
This whole place looks like
part two of the Apalachin meeting.
- I got to go.
- Hey. Look at me.
- Do you have a handle on this?
- Yes.
- Do you need help?
- No.
How deep is my wife
in this shit you got going here?
- Just go babysit, Joel, okay?
- Fuck you.
You're not cute just 'cause
you're four feet tall
and you dress like a Katzenjammer Kid.
I want to know what you're into.
Okay, well, thanks for stopping by.
I'm gonna find out, Susie.
I'm gonna get to the bottom
of whatever it is
you have once again fucked up,
you hear me?
Goodbye, junk misplaced ♪
So long, fumes we taste ♪
Ah, hello, private waste ♪
Private waste management ♪
Take it away ♪
- Trash ♪
What are you, like, 30?
- [HART] This is really a thrill.
We never get asked
to do a third segment.
Do we, Cooper?
You sure you don't want
to feed him a termite?
- I'm sure.
- You're missing out.
And we're back from commercial
in three, two
Welcome back, folks,
and yes, we are still here
with my guest Hart Buckley
of the Bronx Zoo,
and I just can't believe my luck
but he has yet one more
adorable critter for us to meet,
- so let's
- [SOPHIE] Excuse me, sir.
- Is this the ladies' room?
Well, what do you know, Sophie Lennon.
Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes.
- Mwah.
- Mm, careful, Gordon.
That's how my fifth marriage started.
- And my fourth one ended.
Well, that sure was a nice greeting.
- Hello.
I think I wore your brother
to Delmonico's last night.
Oh, we are delighted to see you, Sophie.
- Hey, would you like a termite?
- Maybe later.
Sophie Lennon, as you all know, folks,
hosts the hit game show Seconds Count.
- Thank you.
It is a hit, isn't it?
Now, correct me if I'm wrong,
but isn't your studio
- right down the hall?
- I think it is.
And yet, I believe this is the
first time you've come to visit.
- Is that right?
- Now, not to be too much a braggart,
but I feel we've been
a good friend to you
at The Gordon Ford Show.
- Maybe helped you get that hit show.
- You did, Gordon.
I was at my lowest point,
and you gave me a leg up.
So, what happened?
Well, you know me,
once I've got my legs up
[GORDON] Heel, Sophie, heel.
Hey. We need talk.
the ever-loving fuck?
[WHISPERING] Why didn't you tell
me about this bullshit rule?
- What?
- No one who works on the show
can be on the show, is that right?
Yeah. So?
So, why didn't you tell me that
when you hired her?
- I didn't fucking hire her.
- No excuse.
Little excuse.
- You need to fix this.
- I need to
There is a goddamn show going on.
- Well, fix it after.
- I am not gonna fix anything.
It's a bullshit rule.
It's Gordon's rule. Talk to him.
Susan, they just waxed the floors.
I will catch up with you.
Don't forget I played lacrosse.
Susan! Damn it.
Could you not? I'm in Oh!
This is a ridiculous waste of stockings.
Stop. I mean, you're going to lose.
You know, this is just like
that party we went to
where you were supposed to dress
up as the woman you admire most,
and you came as Lady Macbeth,
and we got in that terrible fight.
You left and ran away,
and I caught you then, too.
Oh, no, you went through a glass door.
- How will I ever find you?
You can't not talk to me.
There's a reason we ran into each other.
The universe is telling us something.
No, it isn't.
And this is nothing like
that night or that party.
And you were on
the lacrosse team for two hours,
- and then you got bored.
- Lacrosse is boring.
I know it's boring.
I told you it was boring
and you shouldn't join,
and then you joined
because I told you not to join.
How fucked-up is that?
Jesus Christ. Don't you have
a gala to go to or something?
Nope. Today's my day of rest.
Wow, Susan Myerson.
I can't believe
I'm talking to you. It's been
Do not stand there and pretend
this is a touching reunion.
- I got to go.
- Why?
I have work. I have a life.
Just because you lose
interest in something,
- it doesn't just go away.
- I know.
There was still lacrosse after you quit.
Well, there shouldn't have been.
Please, just
It's been so long.
You look really good.
You do.
Yeah, I love the hat.
Mrs. Gordon Ford?
[SIGHS] Yeah.
It's quite an accomplishment.
- That's not all I am.
- Yeah, that's all you are.
It's all you are to me,
Mrs. Fucking Gordon Ford.
How are you?
Oh, you better pick
a different question.
Oh, Susie, can we take this
down just a hair?
I didn't tell you to follow me.
I didn't want to talk to you.
Hey, let's get a drink.
Let's find a bar and get soused,
and you can say everything to me
you've wanted to say for 15 years.
I don't want to say anything to you.
Fine, then you can ask me
anything you wanted to ask me
for 15 years.
No. Everything you say
is bullshit anyhow.
I guess I understand
why you feel like this.
Well, I don't give a fuck
if you understand or not.
This is public. It's too loud.
I'm loud!
I was loud then, I'm loud now.
This isn't new.
Please, let's sit and drink.
I can't cover everything
right here on the street like this.
- No.
- Please, let's talk.
I Let me find out about you.
I'm the same.
I am what I always was. You?
- Well, let me
- What?
Explain? Apologize?
Apologize for what?
For what?
For, I don't know,
making plans and promises and
I never made promises.
- You're kidding.
- I was 22.
What promises can you make at 22?
- Plenty!
- We're grown-ups.
Can't we be grown-ups?
Can't we talk like grown women?
I don't know what grown women talk like.
I deal with comics.
I'll apologize if you want me to.
Oh, will you? What a sport.
What a fucking peach.
I don't want an apology.
I don't want anything from you.
I swear, I didn't mean to hurt you.
It was college.
I was a redhead.
That was a mistake, too.
I didn't [GROANS]
You were definitely not
Oh, boy, I really want
to buy you that drink.
I have to go.
Nice to see you, Hedy.
You look good as a blonde.

Ow ♪
Uh ♪
Midnight, getting uptight ♪
Where are you? ♪
You said you'd meet me,
now it's quarter to 2:00 ♪
I know I'm hanging,
but I'm still wanting you ♪
Hey, Jack, it's a fact ♪
They're talking in town ♪
I turn my back,
and you're messing around ♪
I'm not getting jealous ♪
Don't like looking like a clown ♪
I think of you every night and day ♪
You took my heart ♪
And you took my pride away ♪
I hate myself for loving you ♪
Can't break free
from the things that you do ♪
I want to walk,
but I run back to you ♪
That's why I hate myself
for loving you ♪
Ow ♪
Uh ♪
Daylight, spent the night
without you ♪
But I've been dreaming 'bout
the loving you do ♪
I'm over being angry ♪
'Bout the hell you put me through ♪
Hey, man,
bet you can't treat me right ♪
You just don't know what
you was missing last night ♪
I want to see you begging ♪
Say "Forget it" just for spite ♪
I think of you every night and day ♪
You took my heart ♪
And you took my pride away ♪
- I hate myself ♪
- Ow ♪
Uh ♪
For loving you ♪
All right ♪
- I hate myself ♪
- Ow ♪
Uh ♪
For loving you ♪
I hate myself for loving you ♪
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