The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s05e09 Episode Script

Four Minutes

The Constitution only recognizes
that all people when they
are illegal are immoral.
And then they get busted
and they're indecent,
and that's where it's at.
Now, the last four years I
spent in and out of the courts.
And I figured out,
after four years, uh, why I got arrested
so many times.
Dig what happened. Uh
I do my act at, oh, perhaps,
Eleven o'clock at night.
Little do I know that
11:00 a.m. the next morning,
before the grand jury somewhere,
there's another guy doing my act
who's introduced as Lenny
Bruce in substance.
"Here he is, Lenny Bruce. In substance."
A peace officer, who is trained for,
to recognize clear and present danger,
not make believe, does the act.
The grand jury watches him
work, and they go, "That stinks."
But I get busted.
And the irony is that
I have to go to court
to defend his act.
I want to show you this, here.
- [MAN] Again?
Uh, "Criminal Court, City of New York,
Part 2B, County of New York."
Uh, "The honorable judges
and" blah, blah, blah.
[MUTTERING] " attorney."
"By the information
filed on April 3, 1964,
the defendants Lenny Bruce and
Harold L. Solomon were charged
in two separate counts,
giving an indecent performance
in violation of Section 1148
of the penal law of New York."
All right, now that's the grand jury.
That was the first bust.
"During the first performance,
Bruce fondles the microphone
in a masturbatory fashion.
Second performance, while
telling an act of exposure,
Bruce then turned his
back toward the audience
and moved his hand outward
and upward, below his waist,
in an obvious and crude pantomime
of an act of exposure and masturbation."
Okay, so I said, "Make sure to tell him
it's gestures of benediction,
not masturbation."
Because, like, I would never
make gestures of masturbation.
Because I like, like,
I'm-I'm concerned with, uh
with, uh, my-my image and I know
you know, what offends chicks.
Uh, what's ugly to them,
uh, what frightens them.
So I said, "Tell him it's
gestures of benediction."
Ah, "Three
Saint Paul giving up fucking."
Okay, what I said there was
Uh, that's how the bit is reported.
But I said that, uh [LAUGHS]
Oh, I forget, it's been so
long since I did that bit.
I said that, uh [STAMMERS]
I said, uh, how the hell
did I do that bit? I said
Now I see, I
I forget the bit, I No, it's weird
'cause I didn't know that
was a bit that they
that they put in there and, uh
I forget where it, where it started.
I think I was talking about
the how the Jews lost
- Hey, do you want to see my dance?
- [MAN] No!
Yeah, I'll do my dance for you, uh
Here, this is the first
time that I've ever danced
in front of an audience.
This is my, uh, my American folk dance.
Hello. Dirty Lenny's in here.
Dirty Lenny is going on soon.
- The pornographer.
Uh, look, I really dug working with you.
I did, and, uh Oh,
as Will Rogers once said,
"I never met a dyke I didn't like."
- And, uh, and goodnight.
When your mother ♪
Sends back all your invitations ♪
And your father to your sister ♪
Lenny Bruce.
- Yeah?
- You remember me?
Susie Myerson.
The chopped liver yenta
from Allerton Avenue?
No. I'm a manager. I'm
Midge Maisel's manager.
Didn't you used to be a man?
No, I did not.
Hey, who's holding?
You're doing some, uh,
interesting stuff up there.
Yeah, did you see my dance?
Hey, if you see Slim,
tell him I'm here and he
needs to get a fucking watch.
- The show's been over for hours.
- You got it, Lenny.
Hey, Lenny, you want to get out of here?
Go somewhere to talk?
I remember you now.
Yes. Gaslight. Long time ago.
- I'm a manager now.
- Of the Gaslight?
No. I'm a talent manager.
I'm Midge Maisel's manager.
I'm Dick Gregory's manager.
I'm Phyllis Diller's manager.
I'm Eartha Kitt's manager.
I'm a lot of people's manager.
Listen, let's just go get
some food, huh? Some coffee.
No, I'm not hungry.
Then let's just get
you back on your feet.
- How about that?
- Back on my feet?
What I saw out there tonight
was a fucking disgrace.
Nobody wants to see you
babble on about bullshit, man.
They want you to be funny.
You forget how to tell a joke or make
an observation without a fucking
case number attached to it?
I'm an observational cat, dig?
I observe and then I
report. That's all I can do.
- You can do more than that.
- Like sing?
Like club dates.
- Oh, man, come on.
- What come on?
The fuck are you talking
about, club dates?
There are no more club dates.
This, tonight, was a fluke.
They thought they booked Bruce Lee.
Are you trying to stand up?
I don't know what the
fuck I'm trying to do.
Club dates.
Yes, I'm trying to stand up.
I can't step foot in any
club east of the Grand Canyon.
I've been pushed so far west,
I got nothing left but Catalina.
Next week I'm working
on the back of a dolphin.
Jonah and the Whale for a pack of marlin
- and a school of sardines.
- I can change that.
Yeah? How?
I have connections.
People owe me favors.
You're gonna use your favors up on me?
- Why?
- Because you are Lenny Bruce.
There's only ever gonna be one of you.
Let's get him back.
Slim's here.
Keep those favors.
Use them for someone worthy.
Congratulations on repping Dick Capri.
He's a good comic.
Hey, Susie?
Is Midge here?
No. Just me.
Won't you come see me ♪♪
You can forget all your troubles ♪
Forget all your cares ♪
So go downtown ♪
Things will be great ♪
- Well?
- No.
No finer place for sure ♪
You tell him you talked
to Albert Grossman?
He's a mess, Miriam.
For you ♪
- You want to go in and
- No.
Look, I'm gonna be in L.A. next month.
If he's around, I will try again.
Downtown ♪
Come on, let's go get drunk.
Where they never close ♪
Downtown ♪
To the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova ♪
You'll be dancing with 'em,
too, before the night is over ♪
I happen to like ♪
New York ♪
I happen to like this town ♪
I like the city air,
I like to drink of it ♪
The more I know New York,
the more I think of it ♪
I like the sight and the
sound and even the stink of it ♪
I happen ♪
- Hey. Buddy, wake up.
Come on, sleep it off at home.
Okay, move it. Hey!
- Stop it!
- You stop it!
Hey. Hey! Listen! Ow!
You're not listening to me.
I suppose it's because
they all agree with me ♪
And you're releasing her?
She plays poker with the chief.
Well, I feel very safe.
- Just sign here.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- [SUSIE] Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Hello, there.
Thanks for coming.
Got everything?
All you need is your health, right?
Let's go.
I happen to like New York ♪
I happen to love ♪
New York ♪♪
If you won't take my best advice ♪
I'm not nice ♪
If you don't say that I'm okay ♪
That isn't any way to be ♪
- Here.
- Thanks.
You need anything else?
Want to tell me what's going on?
- Oh!
- Hey! Shoot.
I asked her to get you on the show.
- What?
- Hedy. I asked her,
as a favor to me, to
get you on the show.
- Thank you.
- I don't know if she'll do it, but I asked.
I mean, she owes me, so she should.
Maybe she'll feel
guilty about everything.
People feel guilty sometimes.
Even if they don't show it, right?
Sure. Sometimes.
Look, I know you never want to
talk about anything personal.
That's right. I don't.
But you are so upset.
Well, I was incarcerated, Miriam, hmm?
That changes a person.
I mean, you go on with your life.
You file shit away, you don't
expect you ever have to deal
with it again, and then there they are.
You know, walking right
back into your life,
uninvited, just standing there.
They don't even have the decency
to get fat or unattractive
or stupid or dull.
And now they're blonde. Fucking blonde!
You were
I was on a scholarship at Pembroke.
I had to work in the
dining room, bus tables.
Every day, this rich girl
and her friends would come in.
They always sat in my section.
And she'd wave me over,
wanting sugar cubes.
Okay, now there were fucking
sugar cubes already there,
right in front of her, it didn't matter.
She'd call me over
asking about sugar cubes.
Every goddamned day.
Well, finally, I had it.
Told her to fuck off.
Wasn't there to be her
dinner theater entertainment.
And she looks at me and she says,
"But I just wanted to talk to you."
That was it. [EXHALES]
Eight fucking words that cursed my life.
So, just to be super clear,
you two were together.
Meaning what did she see in me?
No, of course not.
I know exactly what she saw in you.
It was an unnatural
pairing, okay? I know that.
It was just dumb.
We looked ridiculous together.
I had one warm hat.
Furry, ear flaps.
When I wore it, I looked like her dog.
Like she was taking me
out for a fucking walk.
I know that's not true.
We fought all the time.
I hated her friends.
She hated going to clubs.
I never met her family.
She never met my family.
She chewed weird.
- Hmm.
- I always caught her drawing me
when I wasn't looking.
She would spend hours doing her hair.
Boring me stiff talking
about art, but
You know, she was also smart
and funny.
I actually believed her
when she said after
college, we'd move to Egypt
and rent out camels to rich tourists.
We were gonna adopt four of
the ugliest kids in the world,
raise them to be really
snobby, arrogant fucks.
Just confuse the shit out of everyone.
Junior year,
her mother took her to Paris.
And she came back engaged.
[SNIFFLES] I mean, she didn't
marry him, but that was it.
So I dropped out, moved to New York.
Burned that fucking hat.
Oh, Susie. I am so sorry.
I didn't know. I never
would've asked you
to go to her if I had, never.
No. I'm your manager.
You were right. Had to be done.
Is that the only time
you've been in love?
I didn't say love.
But yes.
And the last.
I think you'll fall in love again.
Uh-huh. I'm sure it will have
the same disastrous outcome.
[MIDGE] Why would you say that?
Were you ever a blonde?
I was.
College. For a bit.
I figured.
Rose, I think we've been had.
Neither of those children are sick.
What are you talking about?
I just overheard them laughing at us
for falling for their scam.
Calling us nitwits and dodo birds.
I felt Ethan's head. He was burning up.
Apparently, he stuck his head
under the hot water faucet
- for ten full minutes.
- What?
It was Esther's idea. She
orchestrated the whole thing.
Well, that's terrible.
They should be punished.
I agree. I'm going to the Voice.
Aren't you going to punish them?
I have an editorial meeting.
You're not suggesting
that I punish them?
You know, keep it
minimal. They're young.
But they did call us nitwits.
Oh, good, their mother can do it.
- Do what?
- Discipline your children.
- For what?
- They feigned illness and called us names.
- To your face? Bold.
- [ESTHER] Ah-ha-ha!
Now they're rubbing our noses in it.
You also have to tell
those people at your work
that this is a home,
not an answering service.
I don't know what you're
talking about, Mama.
They have been calling all morning.
Six times, to be exact.
I told Alvin I'd be back this afternoon.
- He knew that.
- And by the way,
they say that children who
lie become violent criminals.
- I have to change, Mama.
- Does this not concern you?
- Not particularly.
- Hmm. I thought, as their mother,
you might want to do something about it.
- Like what?
- How should I know?
And there you have it.
I learned from the best.
- Alvin?
- Yes?
I will have you know that I am
here on time every single day.
- Well
- On time enough every single day.
I do not call in sick.
I do not come in hungover.
- Why is she looking at me?
- [MIDGE] I stay for every show.
I go to every event. I get you
the fresh peanuts at Toots Shor.
I make sure you boys eat, that
the creamer was sold in this century.
I cover for you when you
are with your bookie, so
if I need a couple of hours
one afternoon to deal with
a personal matter, you should
accept that without calling
constantly like Adam's wife.
I have two children.
I have elderly parents.
I have responsibilities that
sometimes require my attention.
Is something wrong with your children?
No, besides becoming sociopaths,
my children are fine.
That's not the point.
Something happen to your parents?
My parents are fine. I'm just
saying you are not taking into
account that I have children
or extremely old parents.
- Did you go shopping?
- Why, Mel?
Because I'm a woman?
And all women do is shop?
No, because you're in a different outfit
from this morning and
it has the tag on it.
Okay. Yes.
This is a new dress. But
I did not go shopping.
And I did not call you.
Oh. Well, who did?
Midge, I've been calling you.
Gordon wants to see you.
- Oh.
Did she say her
children were sociopaths?
- Gordon? I got Midge.
Give us a minute, Mike?
Uh sure.
What happened with Paar?
- What?
- He book you?
- Nope.
- Was he there?
- Yep.
- So he saw you.
- He did.
- You didn't wow him?
- I was great.
- So I guess this "you'll see" that you threw
in my face is gonna
have to wait a while.
That's okay.
I'm patient.
Mm, funny.
Is that why you called out your hounds?
What hounds?
Yeah. Sure.
You win, you're on the show.
The show? This show?
That's the one.
Well wow.
- Tonight.
- Tonight?
You're on the show tonight.
Oh. Uh
- Problem?
- No.
- No problem.
- Not convenient?
- I didn't say that.
- Want to check with
- your girl, have her get back to my girl?
- No.
I can just put the whole show on hiatus
till you decide what works for you.
Tonight is great. Best night ever.
- Love tonight. I'm sure.
- You sure?
- I'm thrilled.
- I can tell.
Does it bother you that I'm thrilled?
I'm thrilled you're thrilled.
Okay, well, I guess that's it.
- See you tonight.
- See you tonight.
You want the door closed?
I do, otherwise when I
hurl this glass at it,
it will fly out into the bullpen
and hit someone on the head.
- Lawsuits.
- Sure.
Yeah, you got to think
about these things.
That's why you're the boss.
Yes, the boss. That is me.
- [ALVIN] It's too obscure.
- [MEL] No, it's not, if I ask my mother
Alvin. I have to go home.
- You just got here.
- I know. I have to change.
- [ADAM] You just changed.
- [MEL] We saw the tag.
- I need a different outfit.
- [ALVIN] Why?
- I am gonna be on the show tonight.
- What?
- How?
- What happened to the rule?
- Did they change the rule?
- Alvin!
- That's bullshit, Alvin!
- What the fuck?
- What the ever-loving fuck?
- Whoa, boys, stop being so happy for me, seriously.
I might cry. I'm going
on the show tonight.
And I'm in work clothes.
I need show clothes.
- Very different clothes.
- How?
I could explain it to you,
but there will be terms
like "side darts" and
"ruching" bandied about.
[ALVIN] Go. Please.
I wouldn't have to change
if I got on the show.
- [SUSIE] Yank it!
- [MAGGIE] I'm yanking it. It's not moving.
- Try a jiggle.
- If you jiggle, it will fall.
- It's not moving.
- What we need is a squirrel.
[SUSIE] To do what, Maggie?
To go out there and get the package.
So a trained squirrel?
You're saying we need
a trained squirrel. Am I
understanding this correctly?
- Well, it wouldn't hurt.
- This thing is not moving.
Shit. Do you remember
who the envelope was from?
The messenger just said delivery
for Susie Myerson and Associates.
Did it ever occur to you to tell him
to just walk two feet to
the left and actually drop it
at Susie Myerson and Associates?
- No.
- Why not?
Because we have the bucket!
The bucket is fun.
What's scary is that we are three
of the more intelligent
people in show business.
How do you like my dress?
Why aren't you at work?
- Do you like it?
- Miriam, please.
One ding-dong at a time.
Do you think this is a dress
that says, "I'm gonna be
on The Gordon Ford Show tonight"?
What? Fuck you.
No, fuck you.
- Are you serious?
- I'm Antigone without the laughs.
I can't believe it. What happened?
Gordon called me into
his office and told me
- I'm on the show. Tonight.
- Geez, short notice.
- He was pissed.
- Why?
- Why do you think?
- She asked him.
- I think she asked him.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- I don't think he liked us going around him.
- Tough shit.
That's what you do when
a big dead moose is lying
in the middle of the road.
You roll the fuck over him,
hack him up and make a stew.
- I'm gonna be on the show!
- You are gonna be on the show.
- I'm gonna be on the show.
- You're gonna be on the show!
Okay, I have to find my mother.
She is not gonna avoid it this time.
She's gonna come to the studio
and she's gonna sit there and take it.
That's entertainment ♪♪
- Dinah, what line can I use?
- Line two.
- I'm in your office.
- Okay. You!
Get out that Rolodex you've
got and call everyone we know
or don't know and tell them
to watch the show tonight.
You? You find us that squirrel.
On it.
- Stay focused.
- Focused. Yes.
We're here for 12 uniforms
for the supper club.
Only 12. And only the exact
uniforms we agreed on last week.
- I brought the picture.
- Never say yes immediately.
They will try and lay
their crap inventory
off on us just like last time.
I know. I'm still sorry I fell for it.
I don't know what I
thought we were gonna do
- with all those hoop skirts.
- My mother's a born hustler.
Just don't leave me
alone with her again.
I've located the uniforms.
They were hidden in the back, of course.
You'd think they'd come up
with some new tricks by now.
But there's something
else going on here.
There are men cataloguing
everything in the place.
What? What for?
I don't know. But I'm gonna find out.
Ma? Pop? I'm here.
[SHIRLEY] Hold on, Joely.
[MOISHE] Yeah, we're coming!
You know, it's not too
late to go to Macy's.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't fall for it.
But they have canes.
Anybody can get a cane.
Hello, Joel.
Just kiss me from there,
Joely. I'm fragile.
- What happened here?
- It's a long story.
I got time.
Okay. Well
Manny's in Florida visiting his sister.
[SHIRLEY] So Moishe's been
getting up early every day
- to open the factory.
- Anyhow, I'm up,
I'm in the shower, I drop the soap.
Bent over to pick it up, and suddenly
- Whoa!
- Bam, I'm down.
- [JOEL] Pop, Jesus.
- I'm down hard.
- So I call out for Shirley.
- Shirley!
- I'm in bed, dead asleep.
- A corpse.
Suddenly, I hear Moishe
calling out my name.
Now, it's dark. It's cold.
I have nothing on.
- Not a stitch.
- Ma, please.
[SHIRLEY] So I grab the
first thing I can find
- and I ran in.
- Moishe!
But when he fell, he splashed water
- all over the bathroom floor.
- [YELLS] Ow!
I'm down like a rock.
And that rock fell right on top of me.
[SHIRLEY] I thought I broke everything.
My coat was soaking wet.
It was like having a wet
yak laying all over you.
[SHIRLEY] The cleaning lady
wasn't coming till later
- that morning.
- We just lay there.
And talked.
[MOISHE] Just talked about everything.
What else can you do in a
situation like that besides die?
[SHIRLEY] We haven't
talked like that in years.
[MOISHE] And for the first
time, I really listened.
[SHIRLEY] And I listened, too.
[MOISHE] It was a terrific moment.
[LAUGHS] I love you so much!
Anyhow, your mother convinced
me I was being silly.
There's more to life than this factory.
And since I'm not
keeping it going for you
Moishe's gonna retire.
- What? Really?
- Selling the business.
- Everything goes.
- Just like that?
Sometimes it takes falling in the shower
for everything to become very clear.
Life is precious.
And it's not all about you.
You have to think about the
other people in your life.
- What about the workers?
- Fuck 'em.
Anyhow, the headline is I'm retiring.
[SHIRLEY] As soon as we can walk again,
we are selling the house
and getting a condo in Boca.
Well, I'm stunned.
But happy?
- If you're happy, I'm happy.
- [MOSKOWITZ] Mr. Maisel!
Excuse me, Mr. Maisel,
there's a phone call for you.
I'll be right back.
Okay, Arch, Arch, come here. Come here.
Let's talk about those uniforms.
Now, I know
- Hello?
- Hey. Sorry to bug you.
No. Please, distract me.
I'm gonna be on The
Gordon Ford Show tonight.
What? Midge, this is incredible.
I know. Can't believe it.
I'm almost afraid to
keep saying it out loud.
- It might go away.
- No. No, it won't go away.
- This is big.
- It's the break I've been waiting for.
Are you ready?
I'd better be, right?
Listen, if you need to talk about me,
us, whatever, go ahead.
- I don't mind.
- Oh.
- Joel
- I mean it.
I'd love to be able to still
live in New York tomorrow,
but if not, so be it.
Have I ever told you
that you are amazing?
You have.
A lot.
More than I deserve.
You want to come down to the studio?
Watch me trash you on
national television?
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'd like you there.
- Wouldn't miss it for the world.
- 8:30.
I'll leave the tickets under
"The one that got away."
You break a leg.
Bye, Joel.
I'm heading to the studio.
Hold on. I'm going with you.
Can you hold, please? Midge. Elbow.
What? Shit.
- Shit.
- What is it?
Shit. It's shit.
- Pigeon shit.
- What?
Fuck. Did you lean on the sill?
You never lean on the sill, Miriam.
- The sill belongs to the pigeons.
- I have to change again.
Into what? One of my suits?
Well, I can't go on like this.
Wait, can we stop by Bergdorf's?
You are not going shopping.
No one has that kind of time.
They'd have to postpone
the show by a week.
I have a couple dresses on hold there.
One of them could work.
I'll get them. You get to the studio.
- Really?
- Go, go, go!
Why do you let pigeons
shit all over your sill?
Because they're pigeons.
Their world is small, Miriam.
Give them something.
[MIDGE] "The best
advice I have for girls
who want to have babies someday is
live with your parents
so they can raise them."
- Maybe.
- Mm.
"My kids aren't babies anymore,
which is sad for a mother.
Now I have to hear their
opinions on the stupid outfits
I" Too orange. "The
stupid outfits I put on them."
"My son thinks I'm funny.
My daughter thinks
she's adopted." Too dark.
- The joke?
- The liner.
You sure you wouldn't like to do it?
Please. You're the professional.
"A lot of people ask me why I go
out and perform comedy at night
when I have two young kids at home." No.
"And I tell them, 'Because
they're bad laughers.'" No.
Yeah, I'm wondering if I
should mention the kids at all.
Mm, kids are relatable. Those
little fuckers are everywhere.
I know, but will people
hate a mother making jokes
- about her children?
- No. Why?
Because a mother's supposed
to love her children
and be soft and caring and bullshit,
- bullshit, bull Just let me.
- Yep.
Got 'em. I had them reinforce
all the hooks and buttons
so there's no surprises
on national television.
Plus, I didn't know what
your stocking situation was,
so I got you a couple extra pairs.
- Dinah, will you marry me?
- I am not marrying a comedian.
- Fair enough. How much do I owe you?
- Nothing.
You are not paying for this.
I am not paying for this.
- I am not paying for this.
- No one is paying for this.
I told them you'd be wearing
one of these fine dresses
on The Gordon Ford Show tonight,
so as long as you mention Bergdorf's,
it's all free.
Dinah, are you sure you won't marry me?
- Let's get back to the set order, please.
Time's a-tickin'.
I think I should pull
back on the kid stuff.
Okay, but you know if you do,
the minute you open your mouth,
the first thing that comes
out will be "I hate kids.
You can all suck my dick."
I don't think that'll be the first thing
- that comes out of my mouth.
- Midge!
- Success!
- Excellent.
- He's on Millie's line.
- This one right here.
- Here.
- Hi.
- My God, you people are hard to find.
- What are you talking about?
- I've been looking for you.
- I'm at work.
- I know that now.
Well, then, mystery
solved. Goodbye, Miriam.
I-I've been trying
to get ahold of Mama,
but she's been on the
phone for four hours
and she wasn't home
when I was there earlier.
- Why were you home earlier?
- I went home to change.
- Again?
- Yes.
For the second time today?
Yes. Well, third time,
once Dinah got here with
my dress from Bergdorf's.
I need someone young to listen
in on this and explain it to me.
Listen, I have amazing news.
I am gonna be on The
Gordon Ford Show tonight.
- Doing what?
- Stand-up.
You're a guest?
- I am a guest.
- Well, I'll be.
I've been trying to get ahold of Mama
because I have two tickets for
you guys to come down and watch.
We go live tonight at 9:00,
so you have to be in your seat at 8:30.
8:30. Okay.
- We'll be there.
- Great.
I have to go. I'm
sitting here in the
bullpen in my underwear
- I don't want to hear anymore.
- But I
Not a word. See you tonight.
Uh, wait! Miriam.
This is
really wonderful.
Thank you, Papa.
- Monologue doesn't write itself, boys.
Uh, no. Stop right there.
I just got everyone placed.
Come on. We have to get going.
- Where?
- I got a call from Miriam.
She is going to be on The
Gordon Ford Show tonight.
She's going to do her act.
Oh. Well, good for her.
We have to be there by 8:30.
So do whatever you have to
do here to leave the house,
because we have to go.
I'm not going.
What do you mean you're not going?
- Miriam is going to be on television.
If she wanted me to be
there, she would've called me
and asked me herself.
She called you and asked you.
You go and tell me how she was.
She said she's been calling you
and the line has been
busy for four hours.
- And you believe that?
- Why would she lie?
Because she's a compulsive liar,
just like her children.
- I don't think that's true.
- How long
did she lie to us about
doing stand-up comedy?
Hmm? And about Susie being a plumber?
When she called us during
Ethan's fake birthday party,
she said she was in Prague, when
she was really back in New York.
And I was most certainly not
on the phone for four hours.
I'm not a 14-year-old bobby-soxer
planning to elope with Elvis.
Maybe there's something
wrong with the phone.
There is nothing wrong with the phone.
I have been home all day with the phone.
I would know if there
was something wrong.
Maybe the phone was off the hook.
The phone's absolutely not off the
Well, that still doesn't prove
anyone was trying to call.
- Hello?
- Rose. Thank God.
I've been trying to get
you for the past four hours.
Midge is gonna be on The
Gordon Ford Show tonight
- and she has tickets for you.
- Oh.
Well, thank you for calling me, Joel.
You have to be there at
8:30. The show starts at 9:00.
- All right, Joel. Thank you, Joel.
- 8:30.
I'm supposed to hear
you say you'll be there.
- Hello.
- Rose. Finally.
I've been trying you for hours.
Listen, Miriam wanted me to
call to make sure you knew
she's performing on The
Gordon Ford Show tonight.
- I know, Shirley.
- They say to be here by 8:30,
but I would say 8:15 to be safe.
They give out a lot of
the free stuff at 8:15.
Frisbees, potholders,
wineglasses with leprechauns on them.
Goodbye, Shirley.
- Hello.
- [QUIETLY] Hello, Mrs. Weissman?
My goodness, you like to
talk a lot on the phone.
- I wasn't on the pho
- I don't have time.
Miss Miriam is trying
to get in touch with you.
She's going to be funny
tonight on The Gordon Ford Show.
- She has tickets for you to come.
- Why are you whispering?
Janusz does not want me
talking to you people anymore.
He says you are vampires
sucking the lifeblood out of us.
[JANUSZ] Zelda, who are you talking to?
This never happened. Bye.
- Okay, so
- This is Rose Weissman.
- Shh! I got her.
- Oh, it's been hours.
- Oh, good.
Midge wanted us to call
you and tell you that
- She's going to be on the show.
- Yes. And be there by
8:15 if you want to get the Frisbees.
I know. I heard. Thank you.
- How long do we have?
- One hour.
Let's go.
I don't understand why you
didn't have Antonio hail us a cab.
There were no cabs to hail, Rose.
Of course not. You didn't
let him blow the whistle.
- What?
- The cab whistle.
When he blows the
whistle, the cabs appear.
They have to already be
there to hear the whistle.
The whistle is not magic.
Antonio is not a wizard.
This is not Narnia.
- Oh, dear.
- Well, now we know
why there were no cabs
in front of the building.
They are all here.
Find a light.
I don't see a light.
Do you have a whistle?
Hello? Cab person?
- Yoo-hoo?
- Excuse me?
- 30 Rockefeller Center.
- No fares.
- Why not?
- Shift change.
- What did he say?
- He's not taking fares.
Because you didn't use the whistle.
[CAB DRIVER] I'd try the subway, pal!
- Excuse me? Are you available?
- No, shift change.
[ROSE] Excuse me, we need a cab.
Hey, that was my foot
you almost ran over.
- Excuse me, are you available?
- No.
- Excuse me?
- Taxi!
- Excuse me, we need a cab.
- Shift change, lady.
I don't understand why you'd all
change shifts at the same time.
How are we supposed to
get around somewhere?
Hello there, are you available?
- We're going to 30 Rockefeller Center.
- I wish you luck.
Excuse me, we need a cab.
We do not have a whistle!
- Sorry, lady.
- Excuse me,
we need a cab. I know there's
a shift change going on
Excuse me!
My daughter's going
to be on television
I will pay you ten dollars
- to not change shifts.
- Nope.
[ROSE] She called me and
the phone was off the hook,
which I had no idea was happening,
but my grandchildren
can reach it now, it's
- I have ten dollars if you don't change shifts.
- Nope, sorry.
[ROSE] We've had a very strained
relationship since her husband
left her and she became a
comedian, which I was hoping
Twenty dollars to give us a ride!
Plus whatever the ride costs.
And if someone in your
family needs tutoring
in advanced algebra or
differential equations,
or a favorable theatrical review
in The Village Voice, I can
make that happen as well.
What is wrong with the taxi industry?
I offered this man money and services.
I offered that one my
wedding ring, nothing.
- And still he wait, what?
- He looked at me like I was insane.
How could you offer
him your wedding ring?
That belonged to my great-grandmother.
Abe, don't try to change the subject.
What? That was an
heirloom. It was priceless.
She wouldn't even wear it.
She sewed it into her wig,
so no one would steal it.
A bus! I see a bus.
I wish we had that whistle.
- Ooh, please stop the bus!
- Wait!
- Wait!
- Stop it now! Stop!
- Do not move!
- [ABE] Excuse me?
- [ROSE] Excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver!
- Excuse me!
[ROSE] My daughter's
going to be on television!
There you go, your set order.
Nice and clear. Can you read that?
- I can.
- I'll pass it on.
Susie, I can move your dinner
with Shel to tomorrow. Do it?
Why am I having dinner with Shel?
Because you said you
wanted dinner with Shel.
I hate Shel. Cancel
the dinner with Shel.
I firmly believe that's the
best order for your set, so
See, you're fucking with the best order
just as I'm saying it's the best order.
That's a better order. Wait!
Shel took over the condo circuit.
I need to have dinner with Shel.
Cancel cancelling my dinner with Shel.
Alan Shepard.
An American hero.
- Thrilled to have you here.
- Thrilled to be here, Gordon.
- I see you got our basket.
- I did. It's big.
Well, we wanted you to have a
basket that you could see from space.
Apologies in advance
if there are any jokes
about little green men or
if the term "thrusters up"
gets shouted out at any
point during the show tonight.
Sign a picture for my wife,
and all will be forgiven.
Deal. See you out there.
- Maisel.
- Gordon. Hello.
I am really excited about tonight.
What are you wearing?
What? Uh, a dress?
Is this a trick question?
Just seems a little fancy.
Well, I don't know. I'm gonna do my act
on The Gordon Ford Show.
That seemed to call for fancy.
- Your act?
- Yes.
You're not doing your act.
Well, whose act am I doing?
It'd better not be Buddy Hackett's.
'Cause his team is quick to upset.
Let me clear this up for you.
You're not coming on to perform.
You're coming on as a writer.
A writer?
See if you can borrow a sweater
or something to throw over that.
Mr. Ford? Mr. Ford.
Mr. Ford, Susie
Myerson. Midge's manager.
I know who you are.
Listen, my client was
under the impression
she was performing on the show tonight.
Really? Who gave her that impression?
You. You gave her that impression.
I said she was gonna be on the show
and she is gonna be on the show.
- But not as a comic?
- No.
- But she's a comic.
- Not here.
Here, she's a writer, so she's
gonna come on as a writer.
What does that mean? She's
gonna come out and get hemorrhoids?
It means I will introduce
her as one of my writers
and ask her a couple of questions.
She will answer them and that's it.
- Why?
- Why what?
Why are you bringing her on as a writer?
Who gives a shit about that?
It's a human interest piece.
Like when a panda bear
gives birth in a zoo.
- Only not quite as cute.
- She is not a panda bear.
Look, she doesn't need to
come on the show at all.
I can bring on Mel.
He actually does look like a panda bear,
so it'll work even better.
- Gordon
- I'm due on set.
I will see you out there. Or not.
What the fuck?
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Mike! Mike!
Oh, my God! What?! What, Susie?
What the ever-loving what?!
He said she was performing on the show.
- And now she's not.
- She's not?
- She's on the board.
- Don't you produce this shit?
- Why don't you know anything?
- Why is she here if she's not on the show?
Oh, she's going on the show.
She's going on as a panda bear.
I'm sorry, what? Like, in a costume?
A metaphorical panda bear, Mike.
I don't know what that is.
It's bullshit. That's what it is.
Look, the big decisions
are always Gordon's.
He says he wants to
interview her as a writer.
- What does that mean?
- She's gonna come out and get hemorrhoids?
- That's what I said!
- Wow.
That sounds like unadulterated shit.
Fix this, Mike.
- I will see what I can do.
- Fix this now!
I fucking said I will see what I can do.
[WES] One minute, ladies and gentlemen.
- What's that?
- Last-minute pitch for the opening line.
Better. Give it to Teddy.
There seems to be some
confusion about Midge's spot.
Oh, don't get in the middle of this.
I'm in the middle of this,
Gordon. I'm your producer.
I changed it to a human
interest piece, quick interview.
- Okay, but [STAMMERS]
- Show's starting, Mike.
- [WES] For those of you still filing in
That podium won't man itself.
[WES] we are less
than one minute to air!
You're in for a great show tonight.
Now we're about to get
going, so keep that energy up.
This show's a live broadcast,
- so that means anything can happen
- [SHIRLEY] Rose! Abe!
Abe, over here, over here!
Oh, Shirley.
Where's Moishe?
Oh, he's on painkillers. He
thought he was Eva Perón,
so I left him at home.
- Here, Frisbees for you.
- [WES] Just a few things to bear in mind
- [JOEL] Rose, Abe!
- no eating and drinking.
- [ABE] Hi! Hey!
- Please no unwrapping candy,
keep the aisles clear,
and if you have to leave,
please do so quietly.
Emergency exit doors are
on both sides in the back.
Other than that, make a lot of noise
when it comes to showing
Gordon you're happy to be here.
Here we go, lots of applause!
And five, four,
- Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Gordon Ford Show.
- Tonight's guests
astronaut Alan Shepard,
Broadway sensation Carol Burnett,
plus a special visit with
a Gordon Ford writer!
- Now here he is,
Gordon Ford!
- Mr. Shepard?
- [SHEPARD] Okay, ready.
- Good luck, Miss.
- Thank you.
Nice to have you back on Earth.
[SHIRLEY] Gordon Ford is a genius!

Someone's being bashful ♪
That's no way to be, not with me ♪
Can't you see? ♪
That I am just as embarrassed as you ♪
And I can understand
your point of view ♪
I've always been ♪
Shy ♪
I confess it, I'm shy ♪
Can't you guess that
this confident air ♪
Is a mask that I
wear 'cause I'm shy? ♪
And you can be sure ♪
Way down deep I'm demure ♪
Though some people
I know might deny it ♪
At bottom I'm quiet and pure ♪
As much as this night stinks,
I really enjoyed Alan Shepard's nuts.
Hello, Midge? Are you Midge?
That's Midge.
Oh. Great. Thanks.
Midge? Hi. I'm Plum. I know.
It's a terrible fruity
family name, but there you go.
Can we help you, Plum?
No. I'm here to help you.
I'm your stage manager for the night.
What do you mean, "my stage manager"?
The real stage manager is
busy managing the real show,
so they assigned me to manage you.
Wait, don't you run the lost
and found for the ice rink?
Not today.
Shall we go?
- Not I, sir ♪
- Then who, sir? ♪
Where, sir and when, sir? ♪
I couldn't be tenser ♪
So let's get this done, man ♪
Come on with the fun, man ♪
I am one man ♪
The lady is one man ♪
Shy ♪♪
Carol Burnett, ladies and gentlemen.
Just fantastic, Carol. Can't
wait to see what you do next.
And we'll be right back,
ladies and gentlemen,
after a word from our sponsor.
- And we are out.
Wait here.
All right, guys, right this way.
You have to sit on a stool?
The couch is right there.
The couch is for the real
guests on the real show.
I'm not allowed to have back support.
Well, the stool is still on camera.
You can still make them laugh.
- This does not have to suck completely, so tits
- Nope.
- Right.
- [MAN] Girl writer on the stool.
You are on the left,
so Gordon can get back
to his desk as quickly as possible.
Got it.
Fine, thank you.
- [ABE] Look at her up there. Look, it's Miriam.
[ABE] Over here.
Miriam, I found your mother!
The phone was off the hook!
I went home and got her!
We took a bus! It was harrowing!
[JOEL] Psst!
- [WES] And we're back in
five, four, three
- ♪

[GORDON] And we're back,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is The Gordon Ford Show
and I am still Gordon Ford.
- Now as much as I would love
to take credit for everything
that happens out here,
I can't. There is an army
of men and women toiling away
in our offices back there,
so that I can come out
here and appear witty.
- Well, I thought that maybe you might want
to meet one of them
tonight. Would you like that?
So help me welcome to
The Gordon Ford Show,
our resident lady writer.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Midge.
- Hello, Midge.
- Hello.
[GORDON] Now you've been here
on the show five months now.
So I've got to ask the
question everyone's thinking.
In your own words, what
do you think of the boss?
He's great, Gordon.
- Handsome?
- Very.
- Charming?
- Like the prince.
Skillful juggler? Good with kids?
All of the above.
Midge is one of six
writers on my writing staff.
Now, you may all be
wondering what exactly is it
that television writers do?
Well, each morning, they
gather in the writers room,
they have bagels and
coffee, they read the papers,
they pretend to know
how to pass a football,
and then just about now
they start thinking
of tonight's monologue.
- Always prepared, right?
I can feel your eyes burning
a hole through my head.
You're lucky I'm not
staring at your balls.
So, Midge, as our resident lady writer,
let me ask you, what's the difference
between a male writer
and a female writer?
Oh. Uh
While you think of that, let's
meet the rest of the writing staff.
Jerry, turn that camera around.
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's Ralph Emerson,
Cecil Green, Adam Portnoy,
Mel Rubens, and my head writer
Alvin Blank. The writers
of The Gordon Ford Show.
My band of merry men.
- Hi! Hi!
[GORDON] All right, bring
it back around on me.
Okay, where were we?
Oh, yes, the differences
between male writers and female writers.
Female writers write a lot
more jokes about horses, Gordon.
And poisoning our husbands.
And we like to be held after we pitch.
- Okay.
And now a word from our sponsor.
- What?
- What?
- [GORDON] Go to commercial.
- What commercial?
Find a commercial.
- ♪

That's it?
Leave 'em wanting more.
[WES] And we are out for
commercial, ladies and gentlemen.
Stay on the stool. What are you doing?
- You still have four minutes left on the bit.
- The bit was done.
- I threw to commercial.
- I know you threw to commercial.
You weren't supposed
to throw to commercial.
- Not for another four minutes.
- So I threw early.
Four minutes early!
Look, I'll just wrap the
show after the commercial.
You have four minutes
after the commercial.
Are you listening? I
know I keep saying it.
- I'll vamp.
- For four minutes?
- Who are you, Mae West?
- What do you want from me?
I want four minutes from you. Content!
Bring out another writer.
Interview the stage manager.
Interview Plum. What the
hell is Plum doing here?
They never go to commercial this early.
They have three minutes and 56 seconds
left in this segment. I time it.
What the hell is she doing on a stool?
- Everything backfired.
- What did you do?
Why is everything automatically
my? Yeah, okay, it was me.
I had a friend talk Gordon
into putting her on
the show and since he's
a baby driven solely by his
ego and paper-thin nutsack,
he bumped her from a
stand-up spot to the stool.
And then she gets a
laugh from the audience,
so my guess is he shit his diaper.
I will do four more minutes
of stool work. Happy?
She's funny, Gordon.
You're the one who hired
her in the first place.
Because you thought she was funny.
Four more minutes after commercial.
- But
- Midge, please.
Four more minutes, and
then we can all go get drunk
or go to bed or drive a car into a wall.
- Might do all three, myself.
- Fine.
Thank you.
- Archie, I'm here!
- Finally!
I know. Did I miss it? What did she do?
- She sat on a stool.
- Oh, good.
She can do that. Hi. We're married.
- [ROSE] Miriam! Miriam!
- [ABE] Miriam, over here!
Miriam, I have to say, though not a word
of any note has come out of your mouth,
it is still very exciting
to see you sitting on that stool.
Thank you, Papa.
You know you can get
pregnant squatting like that.
I told you that one time,
- and you've never let me forget it.
- Because it was a doozy.
I just want you to
know, I'm very touched
that you had so many people
ask me to come here tonight.
Well, it was supposed
to be a big night for me.
I didn't want you to miss it.
Supposed to be?
It is a big night for me.
they want you back in place?
Is that a question, Plum?
I'll see you later, Mama.
[WES] And we're back in
two minutes, everyone.
Please stay in your seats.
We can fight about this tomorrow.
I mean, it's for four more
Stool, stool, stool.
Mike, can I talk to Susie for a second?
One second. One literal second.
What's going on? Are you thinking?
'Cause it looks like you're
thinking or passing a stone.
Susie, I have four more minutes left.
- Four minutes.
- Okay.
Four minutes. You hearing me?
- Yes. Four minutes.
- Four minutes.
- Four minutes. You've got four minutes.
- Four.
I am gonna punch you in
the nose. I don't care how
- it will look on TV.
- I'm thinking about doing something,
Susie, something reckless that could go
very badly for both of us.
- Yeah?
- It could ruin us.
Definitely me and you by extension.
I just
[WES] 60 seconds.
What do you think?
Look, you started your career
by getting up on a stage
that no one told you to get
up on, saying a bunch of shit
that no one wanted you to say, so
[EXHALES] tits up.
Tits up.
Buckle up, Mikey.
[WES] 30 seconds.
Everybody back in their seats, please.
I want you to know it was not
my intention to force your hand.
I had hoped you would
want to put me on someday.
This isn't personal, it's just
- It was not handled well.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you know the rule.
- I do.
[WES] And we are back
in five, four, three
I've just never been
great at following rules.

We are back with our lady writer.
So, Midge, something's
been nagging at me
ever since you came aboard.
The coffee in the writers' room is
so much better than in the
break room, why is that?
I wouldn't know, Gordon,
because fun fact
I am not actually a writer.
- What?
I'm a comedienne. I've only
been pretending to be a writer
so I'd have a bathroom
to use in Midtown.
So, why don't I just get up and
do what I came here to do, huh?
No, where are you going?
We'll find out.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
What's happening here
is a Jewish hijacking.
There's no planes involved,
no one wants to go to Cuba.
My only demand is four
minutes of airtime,
and a ride to the doctor when I'm old.
That's the nice thing about the Jews.
We only hijack a conversation.
So, I am not actually supposed
to be up here right now,
talking to you all. I
broke a pretty big rule
when I left that stool.
But lately, I've been doing
a lot of things I'm not supposed to.
Like becoming a comic.
That was a surprise.
To everyone. Me, especially.
I was just a wife and a mother
- on the Upper West Side
Upper West Side? Really?
My parents are in the audience tonight.
Compare notes on the parking situation.
My father's got a whole
conspiracy theory going on
It's not a theory.
There's a lot of Jews
on the Upper West Side
and not nearly enough parking
spaces. Connect the dots.
[MIDGE] so I was
just a wife and a mother
and then one day, my husband left me.
- On Yom Kippur.
The holy day when Jews fast
to atone for their sins?
That's the day he chose to leave me.
- For his secretary.
I can't really blame him, though.
She had some mints in her purse.
I'll admit, it was really
terrible for a while.
But then the sun set
and I could eat again.
Suddenly, I was single.
I wasn't raised to be single.
I didn't know what to do, so I
drank my weight in Manischewitz,
stumbled onto a stage,
grabbed a microphone,
and in that moment everything changed.
I discovered what it felt like
to have people listen to me.
Well, not men, but other people.
Well, not my mother, but everybody else.
Okay, not my children, my dates,
employers, coworkers, the new butcher,
but strangers. Strangers love me.
[MIDGE] Yeah.
How the hell did you get there?
I'm magic.
[MIDGE] Actually, I should be grateful
that my husband cheated
with the person that he did.
Because she was, as they say
in the American Journal of Medicine,
an idiot.
And I'm not just saying
that because she slept
with my husband. I'm saying
that because I saw her
ask a plastic plant in the office
if it wanted some water.
And then waited for an answer.
For ten full minutes.
And then went to the coffeepot
and asked why the plant was mad at her.
So when your husband leaves
you for that, it softens the blow.
It feels good that after their
first cocktail party appearance,
people call you saying,
"What was he thinking?
She apologized to the ashtray
every time she put out a cigarette."
- Did you do that?
- We did.
- From the party.
- [MIDGE] I've been single for a while now.
Quite a while. [CHUCKLES]
If I ever do remarry,
my mother's going to have
to give me "the talk"
again to refresh my memory.
I'm actually not sure if a
permanent relationship is even
in the cards for me anymore.
I mean, I work at night.
I come home reeking
of cigarettes and booze
with lipstick on my collar mine.
And the men in my life are no
longer boyfriends or lovers.
They're bits. Fodder for my act.
If they kiss loud or have nicknames
for their body parts like their feet.
Come on, we sell soap here.
If we have an argument on a Friday,
Saturday night I'm recreating
it for the Shriners,
who are always on my side
and think I can do better.
Plus I come with kids. Two.
A boy and a girl.
Their names are on the tip of my tongue.
We're a Jewish household,
so my son was circumcised
a week after he was born.
My daughter's trauma will have
to wait until she's old enough
to go clothes shopping with my mother.
- Well, that's fair.
I do know that because of my situation,
my daughter is going to
grow up different than I did.
She's gonna be tougher.
More independent.
That's a terrifying word.
Especially for women.
It was not a word we were
supposed to be familiar with.
I wasn't. My mother wasn't.
But I'm on my own now.
So if I want that flat tire changed
well, clearly someone
else is gonna do it.
I'm independent, not an idiot.
I haven't talked to a
plastic plant in months.
My kids, God, I promise
their names will come to me.
I think it's inevitable
that they will hate me
when they grow up.
Like every other parent,
I spend sleepless nights
imagining what my kids
are gonna say about me
to their psychiatrists.
Right? You've done this.
"She wasn't home."
"She missed my baseball game."
"She made me listen to
her tight ten for a week
before she opened in Toledo
and then had us heckle her
for three hours so she had
some practiced comebacks.
And our drinks were watered-down."
That's why I need to get really famous.
If you're really famous,
everybody loves you.
At least until the will is read.
[CHUCKLES] I heard a
story about Mary Martin,
Broadway star. Her driver got sick,
so she had to take a cab to the
theater she was performing at.
She gets in, cabbie asks
her where she's going.
She has no idea.
No idea where the theater
is or what it's called.
She is too famous to know.
She is so famous that, eventually,
someone will notice she's
missing and just come find her.
All she has to do is stand still.
That's the kind of fame I want.
Where I never have to know
who I am or where I'm going.
Where one day Bob Hope walks
up to me at a restaurant
and says, "Hi, I'm Bob Hope.
You probably don't remember meeting me,"
and I say, "Of course I
do. I'll have the chicken."
I want a big life.
I want to experience everything.
I want to break every
single rule there is.
They say ambition is an
unattractive trait in a woman.
But you know what's really unattractive?
Waiting around for something to happen.
Staring out a window, thinking
the life you should be living
is out there somewhere
but not being willing
to open the door and go get it.
Even if someone tells you you can't.
Being a coward is only
cute in The Wizard of Oz.
Ethan and Esther. I knew it
would come to me eventually.
- Oh!
- Huh.
- Yeah.
You have been an amazing audience!
I want to thank you,
I want to thank Gordon Ford,
and, most importantly, I
want to thank Bergdorf Goodman
from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you and good night!
I just wish she'd
worn a different dress.
- [IMOGENE] You did it, Midge, whoo!
- Holy shit.
- Holy shit.
Well, don't just stand there!
Get over here, Maisel. Let's go!
- Wow.
- Look at her.
- Ah!
Sit down.
Right now.
- Whew.
Where on earth did that come from?
It was always there,
Gordon. You just had to ask.
- Oh. Well, that was just terrific.
Really great. And I have
to say, I agree with you.
- You are definitely not a writer.
That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
I have been hoist by
my own petard, folks.
I knew this lady was funny
but I did not know how funny.
I'm just grateful you
didn't turn the cameras off.
Oh, we did. You can
recreate it, can't you?
Absolutely. Mm-hmm.
Folks, I don't actually think
you got a proper introduction
to this very, very funny lady here.
And I am gonna remedy that right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, making her first
but definitely not last
appearance on The Gordon Ford Show,
may I present the magnificent,
the magical,
the marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
- There she is. That's my daughter.
- That's my ex-wife.
- That's my best friend's ex-wife.
That's my ex-wife! [CHUCKLES]
You're fired.
Doop-doo-de-doop ♪
Doo-de-doop, doo-de-doo-de-doop ♪
Doop-doo-de-doop ♪
Doo-de-doop, doo-de-doo-de-doop ♪
Yeah, remember, indecipherable.
This makes no sense.
Do you want me to teach
you how to be famous or not?
After you learn, maybe.
Okay, this is not the behavior
of someone who's been eating
gratis salt and pepper shrimp all night.
But if someone asks for your autograph,
they should be able to read your name.
No. Wrong.
If they can read your name,
they will feel cheated.
They will know you are real.
That you went to school.
- That you can write a check.
- Okay. Here.
What do you think?
What's this?
My autograph.
I see at least three
letters very clearly. Again.
Who taught you how to be famous?
I was born famous.
- I see.
- I floated down the Nile in a basket
stuffed with greasepaint
and a copy of the trades.
- That's a terrific story.
- I made it up myself.
You want to hear the one
about the tap dancing locusts?
You want anything else?
Is there anything else?
Just the check. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Thank you for the feast.
You're welcome.
- It's been a great night.
- I concur.
Is it still snowing?
Well, if it is
there won't be any cabs.
Trains will be spotty.
You might have to seek shelter
somewhere nearby until it clears up.
I already sought shelter earlier,
and now I have to go to
confession in the morning.
Last booth on the left knows Hebrew.
Well? What about this?
Oh, nice.
- That's practically Sanskrit.
- Ah!
Okay, now we should work
on ignoring people
who you obviously know
when they're standing
two feet away from you.
All the famous people do it.
What makes you so sure
I'm gonna be really famous?
Mm, it's just a hunch.
I've seen your act.
I watched you escape a police raid.
So, running and talking.
You have many skills.
Think my show corset turned your head.
My head turned a long time ago.
It's why I keep pulling to the right.
I don't know.
I hope you're right because
I don't have a plan B.
All my eggs are in one big basket.
Mm, allow me.
God, I love a man who steals my food.
"A spotlight waits for you center stage.
All you have to do is
step up and claim it."
- Wow.
- "Once you do,
everyone will know who you are.
They will know your wit,
your intellect, your smile.
Your great, expressive eyes."
"They will be helpless to your charms."
That must be some very small writing.
"They will fall at your feet
and worship at the altar of
you and your show corset."
- Can I see that fortune?
- Oh, no. If someone sees you can read,
they'll never let you be famous.
"Your lucky numbers are 46,
24, 11, six and five."
It's all how you read it.
You mark my words.
Very soon, in the not
too distant future,
you will be paying for the Chinese food.

[DELIA] The week of the 24th,
you go to Orlando and Palm Beach.
Those dates are firm. Then you have
Chicago, Minneapolis and
possibly Vegas for two weeks.
- So far apart. All that travel.
Charo offered her plane.
Oh, well, that's fine, then.
- What about the Palace?
- We are working on the Palace.
They're still talking December.
I don't want to be in
London for the holidays.
- I know that.
- I want to be in New York for the holidays.
We have relayed the message.
I'm never in New York for
the holidays, and this year
- I want to be in New York for the holidays.
- I hear you.
New York for the holidays. Period.
However, if that's the only time
that works, then December's fine.
The building says there's
nothing they can do
- about the noise.
- They've been jumping around
for hours down there.
It's like Ruby Keeler moved in.
I'll knock on the
door and see what's up.
Tell them Yoko's complaining.
That'll shut 'em up.
Now, before we break,
what am I doing on Tuesday?
- Nothing.
- Oh.
- Well, are we working on booking something?
- No.
But you are working Sunday,
Monday and Wednesday, though.
- Traveling Thursday.
- But what about Tuesday?
You can rest on Tuesday.
Let me make some calls.
You press here, bring up the menu,
scroll over to the envelope icon, click,
- then write your message.
- Why don't I just call them?
Sometimes you want to text.
- When?
- When you're late.
- I can call when I'm late.
- It's just a fun thing your phone can do.
- Like take pictures.
- My camera takes pictures.
- What if you don't have your camera?
- I commit it to memory.
It also takes videos.
Does it have the nuclear codes?
- Can I bomb somebody?
- No, you can't.
What about aliens? Can I
communicate with aliens?
Not with the phone. Can I just
show you how to write a message?
You can certainly try.
So you scroll down to a
number and then you click
on that number until it
goes to the letter you want
- and then
- Enjoy the phone, Franklin!
- I wanted ♪
The music ♪
To play on ♪
Forever ♪
Have I stayed too long ♪
At the fair? ♪
I wanted ♪
The clown ♪
To be constantly clever ♪
Have I stayed too long ♪
At the fair? ♪
I bought me blue ribbons ♪
To tie up my hair ♪
But I couldn't find ♪
Anybody to care ♪
The merry-go-round ♪
Is beginning to slow now ♪
Have I stayed too long ♪
At the fair? ♪
The music ♪
Has stopped ♪
And the children must go now ♪
Have I ♪
Stayed too long ♪
At the ♪
Fair? ♪♪

[SUSIE] Hold on. I got shit everywhere.
- Literal shit or metaphorical shit?
- Uh, the fucking cleaning lady
- moved everything around.
Can't find my TV glasses.
Look in the box on the flower table.
Don't pretend that you know everything.
Box on the flower table.
You don't know everything!
She didn't move them.
She never moves them.
- Look in the box on the flower table.
- You know,
a whole continent away from
you is not enough space.
Did you find them?
Did your machine tape it okay?
Yes. I got it fixed.
- Did you check it?
- I checked it. It works.
Now, remind me, what happened yesterday?
Oh. Uh, they booted the guy
who didn't know which
character Danny Bonaduce played
on The Partridge Family.
Well, I wouldn't have known that.
It's Danny. Jesus Christ.
- All right, you got it?
- I got it. You got it?
I got it.
I'm putting it in.
I'm putting it in.
- Still putting it in.
- I'm in.
- I'm in!
- Now, don't press before I press.
Every fucking time.
Because we have to hear the
answers at the same time.
- I know!
- And if you get ahead,
then you hear the answer before I do.
I fucking know!
We'll press it at the same time.
Jesus. [GRUNTS]
Could've watched the whole show by now.
Oh! Susie, did you get my bird?
[GASPS] The red one?
She's gorgeous.
I've never seen anything like her.
- I named her Whore.
I didn't thank you for that?
You're welcome. You ready?
I am ready.
Okay, one,
two, three,
- go.
- Go.
Such a pleasant tune.
Mm, really pleasant tune.
Tournament of Champions.
- Will it be a retail specialist
from Louisville, Kentucky, Chris Miller,
who, yesterday, won $10,000?
- An investment analyst
They had a meeting here
and we're going over dates
and I look down. Tuesday's empty.
- Feel sorry for Delia.
- I mean, it's wide open, Susie.
And when I questioned it,
she looked at me like I'm insane.
[CHUCKLES] You want me to call her?
I want you to come back to work.
I've done my time.
I'll call her tomorrow.
I think I'm gonna take the champ.
Okay. I got bushy beard man.
go, the Jeopardy! round.
Gonna be a good match.
Should we make it a
little more interesting?
It's been interesting for 45 years.
I'm not sure how we're gonna top it now.
Let's do
Forbes' Billionaires, $200.
[TREBEK] March was a
great month for her:
she made her debut on the Forbes list
- Martha Stewart.
- Oh. The chick who went
to jail 'cause she's a broad,
even though every other guy
who does the same fucking thing
is walking around completely free.
- Who is Martha Stewart?
- Yes.
[BRAD] Billionaires for $600.
I think he would've given me that one.
[TREBEK] but this septuagenarian
member of the Disney
family is still on it.
- John?
- Who is Roy Disney?
- [TREBEK] Roy Disney.
- Oh, he's a nice man.
- Predators for $600.
- Are we gonna keep
How do you think I'd look in a goatee?
[SUSIE] Why would
that even occur to you?
Well, if there is reincarnation,
I could come back as a man
and I want to have a look.
- Are you bald?
- Why?
Because I think if you're bald,
it's weird if all the hair
you have is under your chin.
Hmm? Goatee looks better
with a full head of hair.
That is ridiculous.
That is ridiculous?
Not this entire conversation?
You don't ever imagine
what you'd come back as
- if you came back?
- No.
I still have all my marbles.
I think about it all the time.
Who would I be? Where would I live?
- What if I was an animal?
- Oh, boy.
I think I'd make a cute squirrel.
Or a swan.
Or a wild mustang.
I'd be a great wild
mustang. What about you?
I am not coming back as anything.
Come on.
I am fine being dead. I prefer it.
Any animal, what would you be?
- Skunk.
- [SCOFFS] Why?
Mm, great fur. Cute face.
And your ass is a weapon.
[SNORTS] That does seem like you.
Walking down the
street, someone bumps me,
turn, tail up bam!
- [SNORTS] I can picture it.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
And I look back over my
shoulder while I do it.
- And you're wearing your cap.
- That's right, buddy.
That smell? That's you.
- Enjoy your tomato juice bath.
- Tomato juice bath. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, throw-throw a celery stalk in there.
You're gonna be a while.
- [LAUGHS] Celery stalk.
- Next time, you're gonna look where you're walking.
Pepé Le Jew over here, huh?
- [MIDGE] Oh, it hurts. Stop.
Girls talk ♪
There are some things
you can't cover up ♪
With lipstick and powder ♪
Thought I heard you mention my name ♪
Can't you talk any louder? ♪
Don't come any closer ♪
Don't come any nearer ♪
My vision of you ♪
Can't come any clearer ♪
Oh, I ♪
Just want to hear girls talk ♪
Got a loaded imagination ♪
Bein' fired by girls talk ♪
It's a more or less situation ♪
Inspired by girls talk ♪
- But I can't say ♪
- Can't say ♪
- The words you want to hear ♪
- Want to hear ♪
I suppose you're gonna have to ♪
Play it by ear right here ♪
And now ♪
Girls talk ♪
And they want to know how ♪
- Girls talk ♪
- And they say ♪
It's not allowed ♪
- Girls talk ♪
- If they say that it's so ♪
Don't you think
that I'd know by now? ♪
Got the word up on
everyone's lipstick ♪
That you're getting faded ♪
You may not be an old-fashioned girl ♪
But you're gonna get dated ♪
Was it really murder? ♪
Were you just pretending? ♪
Lately I have heard ♪
You are the living end ♪
Girls talk ♪
And they want to know how ♪
Girls talk ♪
And they say it's not allowed ♪
- Girls talk ♪
- And they think ♪
- They know how ♪
- Girls talk ♪
If they say that it's so ♪
Don't you think
that I'd know by now? ♪

But I can't say ♪
The words you want to hear ♪
I suppose you're gonna ♪
Have to play it by ear ♪
- Right here ♪
- There are some things ♪
You can't cover up
with lipstick and powder ♪
But I heard you mention my name ♪
Can't you talk any louder? ♪
Don't come any closer ♪
Don't come any nearer ♪
My vision of you ♪
Can't come any clearer ♪
- Girls talk ♪
- And they want ♪
- To know how ♪
- Girls talk ♪
And they say it's not allowed ♪
Girls talk ♪
And they think they know how ♪
Girls talk, girls talk ♪
Girls talk ♪
Girls talk, girls talk ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Girls talk ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪
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