The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e07 Episode Script

Toulousse-Lautrec is One of My Favorite Artists

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all Tomorrow the weather will be clear.
And now, to top off this edition of the 6:00 News.
My story.
A lady in Philadelphia lost her dog.
She went to the pound and found it.
Once she got home, she found she had the wrong dog.
The woman, who didn't know one dog from another, was a vegetarian.
Veterinarian! That's probably somebody calling to ask us to explain what Ted just said.
Oh, hi, Rhoda.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I got hung up here.
Did you think of a movie for us to see? No, don't pick me up.
I wanna come home first.
I'll try to think of a movie.
- Bye-bye.
- Go see the new John Wayne picture.
- Is it good? - They're all good.
I never miss a one.
Why's that, Lou? Do you identify with John Wayne? That's it.
Wayne gets teed off at somebody, he hits him or shoots him.
I get teed off at somebody, all I can do is write a memo.
Like this one! But, Lou You wanna see a good movie? See Son of Flubber.
You can't go wrong with a Disney movie.
- Know what my favorite Disney movie is? - Snow White? Right! Hey, who can name all seven dwarfs? I can.
Lou, how about you? Murr? - Lou, you wanna grab a hamburger? - No.
I don't eat meat.
I'm a veterinarian.
Rhoda! What are you doing here? I got tired of waiting up in my place, so I came down here.
Listen, I'm sorry I'm late.
What's the matter with your leg? This is the lotus position, a yoga exercise.
It helps a person achieve an inner peace.
It'll just take me a minute to change.
Rhoda, aren't both legs supposed to be up when you're in the lotus position? Only fanatics use both legs.
- Hey, can you get that? - Huh? Oh, sure.
Hey, Mary, I can't, hon! Aah! Hello? Phyllis, hang on a second.
Yeah, Phyllis? Well, I tell you, I was just about to go out to a Well, all right, I'll wait.
I knew I should've met you at work.
Don't tell her we're going to the movies or she'll want to come along.
- And you'll let her.
- She sounded kind of frantic.
She's frantic we might go to a movie without her.
Oh - Hi, Phyllis.
- Something's come up.
I wondered if you could take care of Bess for a few days.
- Oh? What is it? - It's Lars, Mary.
He's contracted a case of varicella from one of his patients.
Varicella? What's that? Lars is in the incubation period, and I'm immune, so Chicken pox! That's what that quack's got! Chicken pox! I really wouldn't ask you if it weren't an emergency, Mary.
You said varicella, but it's plain old, mundane chicken pox.
- Rhoda, would you please - A kid's disease! Rhoda, please! Phyllis, don't misunderstand this.
Are you sure that Bess wants to stay with me? She's not crazy about me.
Mary, it's time Bess found out that life is no bed of roses.
Milk, butter, jelly - Hi.
- Bess'll be up in a second.
These are the books.
- The books? - Yeah, on creative child-rearing.
I know some people find it amusing that I insist on raising Bess from these, but the men and women who wrote them are experts, and the people who laugh aren't.
Besides, Bess thinks these books show a lot of insight.
Bess has read these? - Yes.
Why? Does that surprise you? - Well, yeah.
- She's just a little girl.
- Wrong.
"She's just a little girl"? Uh, chapter six.
"The adult who says of a child 'She's just a little girl' is clearly showing her ignorance.
" Well, what do I know? She's going to be here in a second, so I ought to prepare you for something.
- Oh? What? - Something she does when she's angry.
- I ignore it.
I wish you would too.
- W- What? Mother's coming, Bess.
No, Mother is not coming until Mary finds out what it is that Bess does.
She wears my wig and makeup.
Mary will be doing the very best she can, Bess.
We can't expect too much of her.
Remember, Mother and Father love their Bess.
And Mary likes her.
Well, here we are.
Uh, have you had dinner? Yes.
Phyllis burned it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why? You didn't burn it.
- Well, no.
It's just when you try something and it doesn't turn out, it's disappointing.
Well, it doesn't bother Phyllis.
Do you always call your mother Phyllis? It's her name.
Yeah, I know, but when I was a little girl w- when I was a young person, I, uh, I always called my mother Mother.
I still do.
I mean, I never even think of calling her Marge! That's what it is.
It's Marge.
Did Phyllis show you these books? Uh, yeah.
I haven't had a chance to really get into 'em yet.
Well, I think you ought to.
This isn't going particularly well so far.
Uh, do you like having all that makeup on your face? - Yes.
Do you? - I think it makes you look awful.
Uh Bess? Uh, Bess, what are you what are you doing? - Mary? - Aah! Bess forgot this.
She likes her milk in it.
How's everything going so far? Don't answer.
I know everything's great.
Where is she? - Well, uh, she's, uh - Locked herself in the bathroom, huh? Well, yes.
You said something without looking in the book first.
- Well, yes.
- What did you say? Uh, well, I told her I thought the makeup looked awful.
- And now you're trying to get her out.
- Yes.
Could you help me? - Of course I'm going to help you.
- Good.
Chapter eight.
"Right of Privacy.
" Uh, Bess, "l-I respect your right of privacy.
I don't mind your locking the door.
" Uh, r-really, l-I don't.
And, um "I am always eager to participate in a free and open discussion of whatever it is that's bothering you.
" Really.
Really, l-I am.
You might have to burn your washcloth.
It's got gunk all over it.
I recognize those quotes.
They're right from the books, aren't they? Uh, well, yeah, they are.
Hey, what do you say we forget the books and talk about what fun we can have tomorrow? How about that? I'm not working.
You and I could go shopping.
- What for? - Nothing.
You don't have to buy anything when you shop.
And that's kinda nice, because if you know you're not gonna buy anything, you don't have to wonder whether or not you can afford it.
What can I do for you now, Aunt Mary? - Why don't you go get the mail.
- Okay.
I'll get it! Hi, Aunt Rhoda! I'm going to get the mail.
But if you haven't had breakfast yet, set a place for yourself.
Who was that nice, short little person? That's my roomie.
I can't believe it, Mary.
What happened? You know something? She's really just a nice little just a nice little girl.
- How? - How what? - Did you do it? - I didn't do anything.
Well, all right, maybe I did.
Hey, Rhoda, have you ever wondered what kind of mother you'd be? I don't care, as long as it's not unwed.
Well, I've always wondered.
And you know what? I think I'm gonna be fantastic! - Don't you think? - I think you threatened her life.
- Oh - Morning, all! - Hi.
- Everything is beautiful.
Guess what.
Lars was in error when he thought he had varicella.
Chicken pox! All he has is Rhus diversiloba.
- Translation, please.
- Poison oak.
Hi, Phyllis! Get your things, dear.
Mother's here to take you home.
I don't want to go home.
- What? - I don't want to go home.
Ohh! She doesn't mean that.
As soon as you get her home Oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't force her, Mary.
We encourage her independence.
If this is where she wants to be This is where you want to be, is it, Bess? - Uh, but, Phyllis - No, no, Mary, you don't understand.
If Bess wants this This is what you want, Bess? Well, it's obviously her wish to stay here.
Is it your wish, Bess? Then this is where she'll stay.
Oh, hi, Mary.
Come in, love.
Uh, Phyllis, listen, I just feel awful about this.
About what? Well, about what Bess said.
I mean, I think she meant she just wanted to stay with me for breakfast.
Oh, no.
She meant she wanted to stay with you forever.
No, Phyllis, I'm sure she didn't.
Oh, but she did, love.
You're gay and young and unencumbered.
Not like me, the old drudge who cooks her meals, mends her tattered clothes.
- Of course she wants to stay with you.
- No, she doesn't! But she does, dear.
For now.
Maybe in a week or two she'll become bored.
Not with you, of course.
Maybe less than a week.
Honestly, Phyllis, I don't know how you can be so calm about this.
I mean, if my daughter Should you ever be so fortunate as to become a wife and then mother a child like my Bess.
- Trust me, Mary.
- Well, okay.
l But, boy, Phyllis, I really Trust me.
All right, all right.
Oh, uh, Phyllis, l I hate to ask this.
- I've never had to ask the question.
- Ask anything.
Uh, Phyllis, I've got a date tonight.
Could you baby-sit? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Ted Baxter with the 6:00 News.
So far, so good.
It was disclosed today that Deputy Defense Minister 'Nay-guy-en' Banwat" - Nguyen Banwat.
- Nguyen Banwat.
- " Met last week with 'Lanole' - Lon Nol! at a top secret enclave near Phno Phnom Penh.
" Whatever happened to the good old days when they had wars in England? You'd find a way to mispronounce "London".
Grant asked me to remind you it's Richard Milhouse Nixon, not "Milhorse".
- Hi! - Bess, hi.
What are you doing here? I thought I'd meet you and go home with you.
Well, okay, but it's very busy, so you just sit over here and stay put, huh? - Uh, Ted, this is Bess.
- Hi, Bess.
You're the anchorman, aren't you? Nice child.
Mary, we've got film on the Florida bank robbery.
Put another lead on an idiot card for Ted.
They're cue cards, Lou.
I don't know why everyone feels compelled to call cue cards idiot cards.
We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.
Mary! Mar - Have I got an appointment with you? - Uh-uh.
- Then what are you doing there? - I'm waiting.
We're all waitin', kid.
Did you forget that lead on the diet pills? Yeah, I got it.
I have an idea for you while you're waiting.
Draw a picture.
- I can't draw anything but flowers.
- Well, then draw flowers.
I'm so tired of drawing flowers.
I've been drawing them since I was four.
Ah, well, then look.
A horse is easy.
Say, Mary, that's a nice horsie.
Thank you, Ted.
Mary, where are the idiot cards? Cue cards, Lou, please.
Cue cards.
Excuse me, Ted.
Mary, would you please give those cue cards to this idiot? - What's that? - A horsie! That's nice.
That's nice, Teddy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm waiting for Mary.
- You want something to do? - Uh-huh.
Do you like to recite in school? - Yeah.
- Okay, repeat after me.
- Nguyen Banwat.
- Nguyen Banwat.
- Phnom Penh.
- Phnom Penh.
- Richard Milhouse Nixon.
- Richard Milhouse Nixon.
How'd you like to be the anchorkid? But for now, make some notes about the newsroom and write a composition for school.
- Okay.
- Good girl.
Murray, see if you can do this in five lines or less.
- What's your name, please? - Lou.
- What do you do here? - I'm the boss.
Thank you.
Mary! - How's it going? - Fine.
- Yes, sir? - Who's the kid? - Well, that's kind of a long story.
- How can it be a long story? I say, "Who's the kid?" You say, "SallyJones.
" Who's the kid? - Bess.
- That wasn't too long.
She's the daughter of my downstairs neighbors.
But now she's staying with me and, uh You may not have noticed, but I never cuss when there are kids in the newsroom.
Yes, I noticed.
I want you to know I appreciate your watching your language.
I don't like to watch my language.
I don't like having kids in the newsroom.
I mean, I'd like to cuss right now because that kid's out there.
But I can't cuss because that kid's out there.
Do I make myself clear? I think so.
You'd like to cuss.
Is that it? Yes! Very much.
Oh, well, then, uh, I'll get her out of there.
Good! I feel a cuss coming on.
This is too good to waste.
Send Ted Baxter in here.
Boy, I really like where you work, Mary.
It sure is a lot of fun.
What do we do tonight? Well, uh, we could talk about what we're gonna have for dinner.
What about TV dinners? - We don't have any.
- But I could go out and get some.
That'll give you some time to figure out whatever's got you so uptight.
- That's a good idea.
- Okay.
- I'll walk slow.
- Okay.
- And charge it to my account.
- Okay.
- Hi, Aunt Rhoda.
- Hi, kid.
Hey, Mary, I know you still have this thing to straighten out with Phyllis, but I've got a problem.
It's sort of pressing.
I need $40 to pay a fine or I'll get arrested.
- A traffic fine? - No.
I fed a buffalo.
Yeah, sure you did, Rhoda.
Really! I went to the zoo on my lunch hour.
Anyway, you know I've always been a sucker for buffaloes.
You know those signs that say, "Don't feed the buffalo"? I fed the buffalo.
They really fine you for that, if they catch you.
- Rhoda, what did you feed him? - Low-fat prune yogurt.
You know something, Mary? That buffalo's gonna have some nice figure.
- Can you spare the 40? - Yeah, I think I can.
- What's happening with dizzy Phyllis? - Nothing.
She's still trying to act as though nothing was wrong.
And I just don't know how to get through to her.
- I'm gonna have to, though, aren't I? - Yeah.
It's either that or start saving up to put the kid through college.
- In addition to paying for my buffalo.
- Yes.
I'll write you a check.
I couldn't look at you, knowing how you feel, and take money from you.
I'll pick it up later.
I brought Bess a little cabbage soup.
No offense.
I know you're a wonderful cook and you're feeding her well.
- Where is she? - Uh, she's out buying TV dinners.
Well, I just dropped by to see what time you wanted me to baby-sit tonight.
Phyllis, sit down, will you.
I was, uh, just calling you to tell you that, uh, I think everything is kinda crazy around here, and it's gonna get even crazier if you don't do something.
- What's your problem, Mary? - It's not my problem, Phyllis.
It's yours.
We've been all over that.
It's just a phase Bess is in.
I think Bess would want to come home if you'd just show her you miss her.
Why don't you come right out and say it? You think I'm a lousy mother.
No, I don't, Phyllis.
I'll tell you exactly what I think.
I think l What are you trying to say? I'm trying to think of a nice way to say that I think you're a lousy mother.
Well, Miss Daughter-Snatcher, let me tell you something.
I have read all the books and I feel that l-I'm What are you doing wearing my love beads? Bess made these for me.
Can you beat that? She's made you the same beads she made for me.
She loves you.
She wants you to be her mother.
Oh, Phyllis - W- What is it? - Bess.
She saw me crying.
- She'll hate me for being weak.
- Hate you? Oh, Phyllis, listen.
Look, you and I have been good friends for a long time, right? Well, not so good as you think.
I mean, it's because you come on so darn strong all the time.
Well, I like you so much better when you come on weak.
And if I feel this way, imagine how Bess felt when she saw you just now.
Well, why imagine? I'm gonna go get her.
- Mary? - Yeah? Should I keep crying? It wouldn't hurt.
Phyllis, do you know where Mary left a check for me? I got fined for feeding a buffalo.
Oh, well, look, there's no need to get that upset.
It's all taken care of.
You're an incredibly sympathetic person! Do you know that? My goodness.
I'd better get outta here.
I think I'm depressing you.
If the zoo was half as sympathetic as you are, I wouldn't need the 40 bucks.
Mary, whatever you do, don't mention the buffalo.
Phyllis, Bess went home.
- Home? - Home.
I just talked to her.
You know what she said? Well, it was just so touching.
She looked up at me and she said, "Uh-huh.
" She said, "Uh-huh"? I don't know what that means, Mary.
Well, you had to be there.
She said "Uh-huh" after I said, "Bess, are you here because you know your mother needs you?" And she said, "Uh-huh"? Uh-huh! Oh, Mary, this isn't much, but thank you.
You're gonna make a wonderful mother.
I know.
Oh, isn't this silence lovely? Mary, I love movies, but not the kiddie show at 10:00 a.
on a Saturday.
Yeah, but Bess wanted to treat us, so how could we refuse? Anyway, it was so nice seeing Phyllis and Bess laughing together.
I see what you're getting at.
Phyllis and Bess laughing together.
The world has a nice, big, pink Mary Richards bow around it.
Is that it? Well, yeah.
Something like that.
Let me tell you something.
That Phyllis is still a crazy lady.
She's wacko.
She's taking that kid to the movies again tonight.
So? That's great.
They're going to see Myra Breckinridge.
Ohh! I'm kidding.
Anybody would know I'm kidding.
But not you.
You believe everything.
Mary, you're the most gullible person I ever met.
They don't call you Rhoda the kidder for nothing.
You are gullible.
- I am not.
I was kidding you.
- You were not.