The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e12 Episode Script

Anchorman Overboard

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all [Knocking] Hi, Phyllis.
I'm sorry.
I don't have time to talk.
I'm late for work.
- Do you have a few minutes and a cup of coffee? - I'm really in kind of a hurry.
Well, then just make it instant.
But, Phyllis, you don't understand.
In a couple of minutes, I'm gonna be late for work.
Uh, no, I'm not.
I am.
- Uh, what is it? - Mary, I'm in a real bind.
I've got a deadline, and you've just gotta help me.
- What do you need? - A cup of coffee and Ted Baxter.
- Ted Baxter? - Yes.
To give a talk for my club.
I'm in charge of guest speakers, and I don't have any guest speaker for tonight.
- So can you help me out? - Tonight? But that's tonight.
I know.
I guess you're entitled to the whole story.
Uh, we had Dr.
Herman Davis lined up you know, the controversial psychiatrist who wrote that great book, Don't Be Embarrassed About S-E-X.
But he, uh, he backed out.
He decided at the last minute he was uncomfortable with women.
Well, Phyl, I don't know.
Ted's not very good at that sort of thing.
But, Mary, it's just talking.
Yeah, well, it's just talking that Ted's not very good at.
Mary, if I were in your position, you know that I would do anything I could to help me.
- Yeah.
- But I can see it's just too much trouble.
Well, Phyllis, listen.
Let's just say - [Continues, Indistinct] - that I could get Ted to talk, how long would you need him? - I'd need him to talk 15 minutes.
- [Sighs] Well, I suppose I could get Murray to write something for him.
Oh, great! Oh, great! Our subject for tonight is "The World Today.
" - Uh-huh.
- Never mind the coffee, Mary.
I'm really in a hurry.
You really helped me.
I just wish there were something I could do for you.
Phyllis, the only thing I need is to get to work.
Listen, my car is in the shop.
Do you think you could drive me to work? - Oh, sure! - Oh, thank you.
Let's see.
It's 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back.
- If it's really that important to you.
- Well, it would help.
It'll take me 15 minutes to get ready, but if you really want me to - Well, no.
Forget it, really.
- Well, I'll postpone things.
I'll move things around.
- No, Phyl, please.
Don't postpone anything.
- I'll drop them if necessary.
- Thanks anyway.
- Don't mention it.
What are friends for? - Murray, is the coffee ready yet? - No, not yet, Lou.
No coffee? We usually have coffee by 9:00, and it's already It's How come it's always the Minneapolis clock that's on the blink? Maybe it's because that's the clock we use all the time, Lou.
I mean, if the Tokyo clock stopped, who'd notice? I need coffee.
He almost made sense to me.
- Does anybody here know how to work this machine? - I can do it.
Uh, where do you put the dime? It's not that kind of machine.
- Well, then I can't do it.
- [Groans] - Good morning, everybody.
- Hi, Mar.
Do you realize that if the clock was working, you'd be late? - I'm sorry, Mr.
- Don't apologize now.
- Go make coffee now.
You can apologize later.
- Coffee, right, right.
- Hi, Ted.
I'm glad to see you.
- Coffee, coffee, coffee.
- Coffee, coffee, yes.
Does anyone have a dime? - Uh see? I need it to open the cabinet.
The handle's broken.
[Chuckles] Ted, I've got a favor to ask of you.
- You remember my friend, Phyllis Lindstrom? - Mmm.
Well, she is in charge of the guest speakers for her club, and she was wondering whether or not you would make a speech at her club.
- It's a women's club.
- Well, if they wanted me, I assumed it was a women's club.
Well, gee, I don't know what to say, Mar.
I mean, I'm Well, I, uh "I'd love to.
" - Oh, Ted, thank you.
- Oh, it's nothing.
You know, this could be a very interesting experience.
I mean, talking in front of all those people in person, I mean.
Now I'll be able to actually hear their applause instead of just knowing it's there.
Ted, I don't know how to break this to you, but I don't think people sit at home at night applauding the 6:00 news.
- Murray - Oh, I know just what you're gonna say.
Would you write a speech for Ted? Oh, Mary, I, l "I'd love to.
" Ah, thank you, Murray.
Mar, uh, when do those ladies want me to speak? Uh, well, tonight.
- Tonight? - Yeah.
Well, that doesn't give me much time for him to prepare.
Well, what is Ted supposed to talk about tonight? Oh, what difference does it make? They'll love me.
I've gotten cheers by just simply cutting a ribbon at a supermarket opening.
That's because they didn't think you could do it.
- What the heck am I gonna talk about? - Well I have this wonderfully amusing anecdote about [Laughs] what happened to me when I bought this suit.
Uh, no, Ted.
I think what they want is your personal view of the world situation.
He doesn't have one.
What they're gonna get is my view of his personal view of the world situation.
So all those ladies wanted me? Well, I'd better get to work.
I've got to write today's news, Ted's speech and finish my novel before 6:00.
Murray, I didn't know you were writing a novel.
Reading one.
- Oh.
- [Phone Rings] Newsroom.
Oh, hi, Phyl.
Yes, it's all set for tonight.
Ted'll be there.
No, forget it.
You don't owe me a thing.
No, really, Phyl.
You don't owe me anything.
Well, I'll tell you, there is one thing.
I could use a ride home tonight about 7:00.
Oh, right, of course, the meeting.
How could I forget that? No, no, don't not have your hair done, Phyl, really.
Yeah, I know.
The buses leave every 24 minutes.
Yes, Ted will be there.
- Ted will be where? - Oh, well, I just arranged for Ted to speak at a women's club.
Mary, do me a favor.
Next time you do something like this, you ask my permission first.
Wait, no, no.
I'll save you the trouble.
Next time, the answer will be no.
Oh, well, okay, Mr.
But wh-why? Mary, a karate expert's hands can get him in a lot of trouble.
Yeah, but what does that have to do with Ted? Those hands are considered a deadly weapon.
It's the same with Ted's mouth.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Were you waiting to see somebody? - I'm waiting to see Miss Richards.
- I'm Miss Richards.
- Are you Miss Richards? - Yes.
I'm Dave Curson.
I'm a publicity man.
You've probably heard of me.
No, I can't say that I have.
I'm gonna have to work on that.
- Well, uh, would you like to sit down? - Oh, thank you.
- Oh.
- That's - What can I do for you? - Well, I saw your name on the board downstairs, and it said you were associate producer of the news.
- Congratulations.
- Well, thank you.
I thought you'd be the person to see about getting some publicity.
You see, I thought if I could get some of my clients on your news program, it would really help my business a lot.
Well, I think probably the man you should see is Lou Grant.
- He's in charge of the news.
- Was that Mr.
Grant who just left? - Yes.
- I don't think I'm ready for Mr.
Grant yet.
[Laughs] I know what you mean.
So, uh, who are some of your clients? You've heard of the Midwestern Yo-Yo Association? Well, I'll tell you, Mr.
Curson, I don't see how a news program could help publicize yo-yos.
I guess you're right.
Well, look, here's my card.
If you ever need any publicity for the station, just give me a call.
Oh, Mr.
Curson, uh, the telephone number here is crossed out.
Oh, I know that.
You see, the printer made a mistake on the phone number, so I got 'em for half price.
If he'd left my name off, I probably could've got 'em for nothing.
- Well, good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Is this a "pull"? It's a "pull"? - Yes, it's - Uh, Mar? - Yes, Ted? About tonight.
Do you think I ought to wear my dark blue suit or my tux? Oh, I think the blue suit will be fine.
- Okay.
Mary? - Yes? I was just wondering I mean, if you're through with it - Yes? - Could I have my dime back? - [Doorbell Buzzes] - Who is it? - [Doorbell Buzzes] - Who is it? It's me Phyllis.
- Wh- What's the matter? - "What's the matter?" - Yeah.
Is there something wrong? - "Is there something wrong?" Phyllis, will you stop repeating everything I say and tell me what's the matter! Wait a minute.
Your club.
How did, uh It didn't go well, did it? Well, it didn't go at all.
It just laid there.
Mary, you could at least have warned me that he's never spoken in public before.
Phyllis, I did.
I told you What happened? Well, he wasn't so bad in the beginning when he was reading his speech.
I mean, at least he finished.
- We applauded.
It was all very nice.
- And? And then Helen Edwards asked him a question.
Wa- Was it a hard question? Well, yes, it was.
It was, " Are you for or against women's liberation?" Uh-oh.
Was he for it or against it? Well, we don't know.
He just stood there with his mouth open, like he was going to say something.
And then a sort of glaze came over his eyes, he giggled a couple of times, said something nobody understood and then he asked if there were any more questions.
- And were there? - Well, yes.
There were about an hour's worth of questions and two minutes' worth of answers.
Poor Ted.
He must feel just awful.
Why don't you ask him? - Well, I would, but it's a little late for calls - He's standing out in the hall.
In my hall? He didn't want to come in unless he had a personal invitation from you.
- Do you want to invite him in? - Well, of course I do.
Ted, uh, why don't you come in? I don't know.
Well, uh, would you like to come in? I'm not sure.
[Phyllis] Could you phrase that so it's not a question? He seems to take orders rather well.
- Ted, get in here.
- Yes, Mary.
- Can I take your coat? - Another question! I don't know.
I just don't know.
Hello, Mr.
Grant? It's me.
Mary Richards.
Oh, not much.
What's, uh, new with you? Well, yes, Mr.
Grant, I do have a very good reason for calling you at 1:00 in the morning.
- I don't know how to say this - Why don't you just say it? I guess I'll just say it.
Grant, a little while ago Ted dropped by, and he was kind of upset and Mr.
Grant, Ted's locked himself in my bathroom, and he won't come out.
- So then what happened, Ted? - So everything was going fine.
They were attentive, laughing at what I was saying.
Then I realized I wasn't saying anything funny.
I should have worn my tux.
Somehow you don't laugh at a man when he's wearing a tux.
I don't know.
I just think you're blowing this whole thing way out of proportion.
No, he's not, Mary.
I was there.
But what does it matter if a few women laugh? How many could there have been? - Twenty-five.
- Two hundred.
Actually, we're both right.
There were 200 when he started.
Mary, come into my office.
We're, uh, just going to make coffee.
They're just going to make coffee.
- Ted needs a drink.
- Oh, well, Mr.
Grant, - I really don't think that Ted's in any shape - Mary.
- What, Mr.
Grant? - When a man's in that kind of shape, he doesn't need milk and cookies.
- I've got some brandy.
- Another glass, please.
I never like to see anybody drink alone, unless it's me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
When I was a kid, the whole family used to practically live in the kitchen.
- I've got to get going.
- I just got rattled.
I didn't know they were going to ask hard questions.
I tried to help him out by asking a question that I was sure he could answer.
I asked him where he bought his suit.
How was I supposed to know? I own three suits.
Ted, why didn't you just open up your coat and read your label? Oh, sure.
It's easy to second-guess.
Everybody's a Monday morning quarterback.
I'm telling you, Lou, I can't do it.
I've lost my charisma.
Whatever that is.
Ted, you know, I know just how you feel.
- I was humiliated once.
- You were? Oh, yeah.
It was a high school play, and we were doing Romeo and.
Juliet, and Well, you know the big scene, the final scene when Romeo thinks that I'm dead? And I was lying out there, and Romeo was standing over me.
And he had just plunged the dagger into himself, and I suddenly had to sneeze.
I tried as h-hard as I could not to sn-sn-sneeze.
And I did.
I sneezed, and Romeo looked down and said, "Gesundheit.
" And I looked up and ad-libbed, "Thank you.
" Oh, it was awful! A high school play, Mary.
It's not the same thing.
Oh, but no, Ted.
My mother and father were sitting in the audience.
So were mine.
They were the first to leave.
Ted, my point is that I survived, and so will you.
Thanks, Mary, for trying to make me feel good.
I wish you were better at it.
I think I'll I'll go home now.
Ted, you're not going home.
- He isn't? - I'm not? No.
You're coming with me.
I have a guest room.
I'll drive you to work in the morning.
It'll be nice.
Thanks, Lou.
I love you for that.
- Good night, Mar.
- Good night, Ted.
You know, Mr.
Grant, that's really very, very nice.
What's nice? It's the only way I can guarantee he'll show up for work.
Besides, it's a great excuse to get my wife out of the guest room.
[Ted On TV] That was the senator making that statement at the airport today.
Ladies and gentlemen, a serious "warming" from uh, warning from the University of Minnesota's "asphosmerics" Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
Atmospherics department.
[Clears Throat] Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
l Dale Wick, head of the department of atmo of that department announced that in five years, smog could reach "legal" proportions.
What? Oh.
Lethal proportions.
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
I seem to be having a little trouble.
I'm, uh, just sorry.
And now for the lighter side of the news.
The "populotion explusion" Oh, Lord, I'm sorry.
Grant] Mary, get in here! - Yes, Mr.
Grant? - Sit down, Mary.
The rating book came in for this week.
Take a look at the 6:00 news rating.
We went up! That's right.
Do you know why? I'll tell you.
Because people are tuning in to laugh at Ted Baxter.
Or as he might put it, "Bed Taxter.
" He's become the thing to do.
We're starting to catch on, Mary.
But I don't want that.
I don't want to do a successful comedy show with Mr.
I'd rather do an unsuccessful news show.
Is that too much to ask, Mary? Mr.
Grant, are you trying to say that I am to blame for this? I mean, all right, I admit I got Ted involved in that women's club, but I really don't see how that makes all of this my fault.
- Sit down.
- I didn't Maybe, Mary, you haven't noticed this about me before, but I'm one of the few people in my field who doesn't have a peptic ulcer.
And one of the reasons for that is that I'm able to delegate blame.
Nothing that goes wrong here is my fault.
It's Ted's fault.
It's Murray's fault.
It's Gordy's fault.
This is your fault.
- It is, isn't it? - So fix it before it begins to look like it's my fault! This is Ted Baxter saying good "nise" and good "nute.
" - What was going on in there? - Oh, you don't want to hear about it.
I already did.
- Hi, Ted.
- You're just saying that to make me feel good.
Hey, look, Ted, it was my fault.
It was a slow news day.
I just couldn't write anything exciting for you to read.
A revolution in South America, a crisis in the Far East and an earthquake in Peru.
[Chuckles] No, Murray, it's not the news.
It's me.
I've lost something.
Has anyone seen my hat? I think it's under Mary's coat.
Ted, it's nighttime.
I know.
I'm just not in the mood to be recognized.
- Excuse me.
Aren't you - No, I'm not.
I used to be.
He still looks a lot like him.
[Clears Throat] Hi, Miss Richards.
- Oh, hi.
- Remember me? - Sure.
You're, um Dave Curson.
- Dave Curson.
You remembered.
Well, it looks like you're busy.
I'll come back.
No, I wasn't, really.
I was just about to close up shop.
- What can I do for you? - Well, you see, I had this idea.
And, uh, it's probably not a very good one.
No, it's no good.
Curson, why don't you let me hear the idea? Oh, well, it was an idea I had for the Midwestern Yo-Yo Association.
You see, they're having their Midwestern Yo-Yo Championships this Sunday, and I thought your announcer, Paul Price, could accept their Man of the Year award.
Then maybe he'd announce it on the But it's not a very good idea.
Never mind.
- Uh, Mr.
Curson, I wouldn't say that.
- You wouldn't? I think I could get everyone on the station yo-yos too.
There's just one problem.
You see, Paul Price is gonna be covering the hockey game.
- See, I didn't think - No, wait a minute.
What if we could get Ted Baxter? - Oh, Miss Richards, do you think you could? - Good night, Mar.
Murray, do you think we could get Ted to accept a Man of the Year award? Oh, sure.
But who'd be dumb enough to give him one? - The Midwestern Yo - Yo Association.
Ted Baxter, Mr.
Well, the shoe certainly fits.
Anybody got the correct time in Minneapolis? Subtract 15 hours from Tokyo and add a day.
- Good morning, Mr.
Can I help you with those? - Good morning.
Uh, yeah.
I want you to answer these letters.
- Fan mail? - Not exactly.
"Dear Sir: The 6:00 news is an insult to my intelligence "and a disgrace to television.
"I am not going to watch the show anymore, and neither are my mommy and daddy.
" Did you ever get a hate letter written in crayon? Mr.
Grant, have you seen Ted this morning? I think I might have some good news.
My good news is I haven't seen Ted this morning.
- Oh, Lou.
- Ohh.
- Got to see you about a couple of things.
- What is it, Ted? First of all, there were no bath towels in my dressing room again.
There's no bath in your dressing room.
That's the second thing I want to see you about.
Whoever heard of an anchorman's dressing room without a bath? [Deep Voice] I want you to get on that right away, Lou.
After all, it's not too much to ask for.
I understand Cronkite's got a sauna.
How'd you do it? I got 600 people to give him an award and all Ted had to say was, "Thank you.
" Well, it sure worked.
Ted's back in shape, and we certainly needed him back in shape.
Ted's his old self again.
He sure is.
[Laughs] You understand, of course, why I can't bring myself to thank you for that.
[Typewriter Keys Clacking] - Hi, Miss Richards.
- Hi, Dave Curson.
Dave Curson.
Remember me? Yeah.
[Laughs] - I got Ted Baxter's award back from the engraver.
- Ohh.
- The towels are real nice, Lou.
- You're welcome, Ted.
Maybe the next time, you can get me some cloth ones.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Mary] Uh, Ted? Your award came back from the engravers, and Dave wanted to present it to you.
- Oh.
- Good luck.
[Laughing] Oh, isn't it lovely! What does it say, Ted? "To Ted Baxter.
" Read the rest of it, Ted.
"Yo-Yo Man of the Year.
" Got any more of these little award things? As a matter of fact, I do.
I have another group here.
It's the Minneapolis Association of Shoe Repairmen.