The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e15 Episode Script

Howard's Girl

# How will you make it on your own # # This world is awfully big # # And, girl this time you're all alone # # But it's time you started living # # It's time you let someone else do some giving # # Love is all around # # No need to waste it # # You can have the town Why don't you take it # # You might just make it # # After all # # You might just make it after all ## Mary, it's Friday.
What do you say we go out and buy ourselves a nice lunch? Gee, I'd love to, Murray, but I just don't think I can afford it.
Well, maybe I could lend it to you.
No, no.
I still owe you five dollars from last Friday.
- Oh, do you? - Yeah.
Don't you remember? - We had lunch at Quo Vadis.
- Alfredo's.
- And I ordered lobster thermidor.
- Lobster Newburg.
- So you lent me some money, remember? - No, I'd completely forgotten.
Are we having the old Friday lunch-a-rino, gang? How about it, Mar? It's just gonna have to be you and Murray.
I'm a little short this week.
If you need to borrow money, I'm sure Murray would be glad to lend it to you.
- [Phone Ringing] - Newsroom.
Mary Richards.
Bob Freelander here, general manager of WKS.
Yes, sir.
Just a moment.
I'll put Mr.
Grant on.
- No, I wanna talk to you.
- To me? I'm interviewing several young women for a producer's job.
- I'd like to talk to you about it.
- You're considering me for a-a producer's job? Yes, on a new talk show for ladies.
We're calling it The Ladies' Talk Show.
- Certainly is catchy.
- How soon can you get in here so we can talk? I don't see how I can during, you know, working hours.
Then we'll do it today on your lunch hour.
We can lunch and chat right here in my office.
Let's say 12:30? Well, all right, 12:30 will be fine.
I'll see you then.
Wait a minute.
I'd like to order some lunch.
What would you like? Oh, um, a hamburger and coffee.
If you're ordering lunch, get me a ham sandwich, a glass of milk and a side of French fries.
And a ham sandwich, a glass of milk and a side of fries.
I'll have a pastrami on rye and a vanilla shake.
And a pastrami on rye and a vanilla shake.
Is it good news or bad news? Phyllis, since when do you greet bad news with champagne? Champagne? Mary! I didn't know they even made it in Idaho.
So, what's the news? So, the news is that I have been offered a new job to produce a women's talk show at another television station.
- Mary, produce? - Producer! - [Phyllis] That's terrific! - It means a lot more money.
It means my own office and a private secretary.
And you'll meet new guys, and you'll be able to afford a whole new wardrobe.
Right.
And I don't wanna do it.
Oh, yeah.
Money, guys, glamour.
Who wants that? If you don't want the job, then why the champagne? Because I'm gonna have to take this job.
l-I can't afford not to.
So I'm trying to convince myself that I'm really happy about it.
So why don't we have some champagne and celebrate my new job? - Why don't we? - Because I don't want a new job.
I mean, I will be leaving a lot of people that I love.
And I feel like a traitor to Mr.
Grant.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Your only loyalty should be to yourself.
But Phyl, Mr.
Grant took a big chance on me.
When he hired me, I was completely inexperienced.
That's like saying that I owe Lars something for marrying me because I was completely inexperienced.
Mary, take the job.
- You owe it to yourself.
- I just don't know.
Mary, look, if you don't wanna leave, go in to Lou Grant and demand a raise.
Oh, Rhoda, I could get a raise.
What I need is a raise.
It's It's painfully simple.
There are two choices here.
- A: Lou Grant meets your price.
Or B: You quit.
- You're right.
It is.
It's painfully simple.
- Well, I guess we don't need this yet.
- Hey, Mary, next time you throw a party, let us know beforehand if you're gonna open the bottle.
[No Audible Dialogue] You know, Murray, maybe I don't need a raise after all.
I'm going over my budget, and I figure that on my salary I can't possibly make it, but somehow this month I did.
It's fantastic.
It came out even, right down to the penny.
- Well, almost.
- Did I pay you back that five dollars I owe you? [Groans] I do need a raise, don't I? [Ringing] Newsroom.
Mary Richards.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Free [Low] lander.
Uh, no, I haven't made that decision yet.
Twenty dollars a month for gasoline.
That's not bad.
Uh, yes, sir, I understand that you'd like an answer soon.
Hey, Murr, this girl throws away more money on food than I spend on booze.
It's just that it's not quite as easy to come to You know, there are other factors to consider here.
[Whistles] Twenty-five dollars a month for dry cleaning? - That includes my laundry.
Uh - Oh.
Listen, I'll try to get back to you this afternoon.
Um Would ten minutes be all right? - All right.
I'll talk to you then.
Good-bye.
- Never make it.
- I know.
Mr.
Grant? - Huh? - Could I speak to you for a minute? - Sure.
Come on in.
Mr.
Grant, the reason that I have been going over my budget - is I have been offered a new job.
- You've been offered another job.
- It's over at WKS to produce a ladies' talk show - WKS.
- called the Ladies' Talk Show.
- Ladies' Talk Show.
- You knew? - Well, the broadcasting industry in this town is like a big family.
Everybody knows what everybody else is doing.
For example, Bob Freelander undoubtedly knows that this morning I went to our general manager and told him I wanted to give you a raise.
Oh, Mr.
Grant, that's just wonderful.
- Because I was just - It would've been, but he turned me down.
Now, before you get on the phone and try to tell Freelander that you'll take his job, let me give you a word of advice: don't.
Give me a good reason not to, please.
Mary, it's cold out there.
Everyone's jockeying for position, ready to cut each other's throat.
- Is that what you want? - You guessed it, Mr.
Grant.
I wanna go out there and scratch and claw for power.
I'll stop at nothing in my ruthless fight for the top.
Mary, it's dog eat dog in this business.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I thought you said the broadcasting business was like a big family.
I didn't say it was a nice family.
Mr.
Grant, we both know what has to be done here, and it would make it a whole lot easier for me if you would be the one to say it.
[Sighs] Mary you are going to have to quit me.
Couldn't you just have said, " quit the station" or just a plain " quit"? Well, I guess I said that because I hired you, not the station, me.
But just because I went out on a limb for you, I certainly wouldn't want any sense of loyalty to me to interfere with a better deal for you.
I'm sure glad you're not putting this on any kind of personal basis.
The reason I am is 'cause I don't want you to go.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you too.
When does Freelander want you to start? He said as soon as you can find a replacement for me.
Don't worry about that.
Go.
Well, then, I guess I'll clean out my desk on Friday.
Okay.
Hey.
I wanna give you a going-away party.
Who usually arranges for those things? I do.
- [Knocking] - It's Rhoda.
- Come on in.
- [Phyllis] That you, Rhoda? - Yes, Phyllis, yes.
I am going into Mary's apartment.
Yes.
She doesn't miss a thing that goes on in this entire building.
Hey, Mary, I just washed my hair.
Can I borrow your dryer? - I'm sorry, Rhoda.
It's broken again.
- Oh.
Listen, soon the money will start pouring in from your new job, and we'll be able to afford a new one.
- Can I borrow your stove? - Yeah, sure.
It beats trying to dry your hair over a hot plate.
Hey, Mary, were you in bed? I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Listen, I tried to go to sleep, but I just couldn't.
I guess it's because of the new job.
Or possibly because it's only 8:30.
Yeah? And I was sitting around here thinking about leaving the newsroom tomorrow.
I got myself so depressed I decided I'd just go to bed.
Yeah.
You know what hot milk tastes like? Hot milk.
Sure.
I'm an expert on the stuff.
Did you know that the first man to drink hot milk invented the word "yech"? Hey, come on, kid.
Let's just talk, huh? Yeah.
Good.
Anything.
I just don't want to think about that new job.
What do you want to talk about? They showed me my new office today.
Outside it there was this bunch of girls all laughing and giggling, having fun.
There I was, inside my private cubicle practicing sitting behind this big desk, looking like an executive.
I felt like Rosalind Russell.
Yeah, Mary, it's gonna be tough trying to find you a tweed suit with padded shoulders.
Hey, wait.
No, it isn't.
I just remembered.
I've got one.
- Oh.
- Hi.
Why didn't you tell me you were having a pajama party? - Phyllis, I'm not wearing pajamas.
- Oh.
- With you, it's always so hard to tell, Rhoda.
- Good one.
- So, what did I miss? - Nothing much.
I was just telling Rhoda how hard it's gonna be to leave my old job tomorrow.
Oh, Mary, dear, funny Mary.
There are some lessons that I've learned in my life that I would like to share with you right now.
Mary, you know that trouble you've been having tonight about sleeping? This ought to do it.
- Good night.
- Good night, dear.
- [Door Closes] - Life as I see it is a long trail of leavings.
What I mean is, you leave school, you leave home, you leave jobs Phyllis, leave me alone.
I know what you're getting at, but it's not gonna help me.
Yes, it will, Mary.
If you just let me explain it to you the way I explained it to Bess.
But Phyllis, I'm not 12 years old.
Last year, she had this marvelous opportunity to go to camp, but she was miserable about having to leave, just as you are.
I mean, the situations are so analogous, it's well, it's astounding.
But I explained to her the fun she'd have doing new things making buttons out of walnuts, short-sheeting the counselor's bunk.
Phyl Mary, not only that, but making new little friends.
An adventure.
It'll be the same with you, Mary an adventure.
You'll see.
Everything will be just fine.
But I don't want to go to camp.
- Hi, guys.
- What are you doing out of bed at this hour? Murray asked me to come in early.
Yeah, I wrote a farewell speech to Mary to close the show with tonight.
I figure if Ted studies it all day, maybe he can do it on the air tonight without a goof.
Mary's still not here.
I'm gonna have to make these party arrangements myself.
Murray, you're gonna have to help me make some phone calls.
- Anything at all I can do? - I've been asking myself that same question about you for years now.
- Who do you want me to call? - Let's see.
I want this to be a party to remember.
Get a large punch bowl and get me a distillery and two lemons.
I want this to be big.
By the way, Ted, you haven't kicked in yet.
- How much is this going to cost? - Up there.
Maybe into two figures.
- Two figures? - Mm-hmm.
I don't know why every time we turn around, we have to throw our hard-earned money away on some frivolous party.
- What about flowers? - Flowers too.
Let's see.
"Distillery, punch bowl, lemons.
" - What time would you like the Minneapolis Symphony to arrive? - Aah, you.
Here's five dollars, Murr.
Take what you need out of that and give me the change later.
This desk will never be the same.
Yeah, I know.
Mary's old desk.
Maybe we should retire it.
You know, like they do football players' jerseys.
Where is she, anyway? Isn't she even gonna show up on her last day? The girls from Sales took her out to a farewell champagne breakfast.
And at noon, the guys from Promotion are buying her a farewell drink and lunch - The guys gotta be snockered before the party.
- Yeah.
[Ringing] Newsroom.
No, Miss Richards isn't here.
Who's calling? Oh, hi, Freelander.
Lou Grant.
Yeah, I'll have her call you, maybe.
Hey, Freelander, you got yourself a good girl.
You'd think Mary would be back from lunch by dinnertime.
- I'm beginning to get worried.
- It's all right.
The whole production department hasn't come back from lunch, either.
If she doesn't hurry, she's gonna miss Ted doing the farewell speech I wrote.
Uh-uh.
Don't do that.
You'll dent the dip.
- Listen, my stomach is growling.
- Well, take a drink.
Why do you think my stomach's growling? I had a drink.
I gotta have some food.
This punch Lou made is gonna eat right through my stomach.
Well, you can't eat.
I want everything to look perfect for Mary when she gets here.
- Lou? - Hmm? What is that shriveled-up little thing doing in the punch? Five minutes ago that was a fresh gardenia.
Hey, here it is.
Mary's gonna miss it.
Hey, everybody, here's the farewell speech.
Gather around.
[Ted On TV] Tonight for my sign-off, in place of my usual droll anecdote, I'd like to get serious for a moment.
The associate producer of our 6:00 news is leaving our friendly fold for greener pastures.
It is with mixed joy and sadness that we view her exodus.
So all of us here at WJM wish a bon voyage through the ocean of life and the best of luck to our own Mary "Rickards.
" Richards! Her name is Richards! - It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
- Why your fault? I wrote the whole speech out phonetically, except for Mary's name.
- How'd it sound, boys? - "Rickards"! You said "Rickards"! I don't get your point, Murr.
- Her name is Richards.
- Now I get your point.
Hi, guys.
- [All Greeting Together] - Hi, Mar.
- Hi, Murray.
Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.
Hello, Mr.
Lou.
Did you have a nice lunch? Oh, you know.
All I know is that the service must have been rotten.
You've been gone for over six hours.
Is there anything new around here that I should know about? Not much.
Your new boss called.
[Sobbing] Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Try to keep it down.
Everybody's looking.
I know.
Everybody kept buying me drinks, and I kept letting them, because I couldn't face coming back here and having to say good-bye to all of you.
I will be just fine.
Just give me a moment alone.
Don't worry.
I will not embarrass you you good old boss.
It's gonna be some party, baby.
I'm nothing, Gordy.
All I've got are looks and a voice.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
I'm telling you, Gordy, I'm just a no-talent.
Somebody put truth serum in the punch.
Lou, Murray, you might as well hear this too.
I do a good job of hiding it, but I'm a lousy newsman.
That's not true, Ted.
You don't do a good job of hiding it.
Get yourself together.
You're being too hard on yourself.
- No, he's not.
- [Laughing] [All Laughing] Oh, just a - wonderful bunch of wonderful guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Mary Sobbing] - She really picks up a party, doesn't she? I should've stayed with what I started out to be, the only thing I ever really wanted to be a male fashion model.
A male model? Well, if he wants to be a model, I guess that's the best kind to be.
I used to look at glossy pictures of those guys in the ads standing there like this.
How do I look? Sober? - Sober.
- I think it's happened.
- What's happened? - I've built up an immunity to booze.
- Lou? Gordy? - Hmm? - Yeah? - Now, I am in the presence of real men, and I know I can trust you.
- Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- I have been happily married to the same woman for ten years.
- You know that.
- Yeah.
- But every once in a while - Hold it, Murray.
I've been here a few times in bars, at various parties.
People sometimes say things at times like this that they later wished they hadn't.
- Yeah.
- So I'd like to stop you right now - from mentioning any names.
- Marie McGuire.
You tried.
- I didn't hear it.
- Marie McGuire.
[Sighs] She was a pom-pom girl in college.
Oh, boy, was she something.
Blond hair, blue eyes.
- Blond hair, blue eyes.
- [Sighs] Marie That's your wife.
- Yeah, I know.
Isn't it terrific? - [Groans] This is gonna be one of those big parties.
Where are you going? Well, it's, uh, getting late, and l I just thought I really couldn't face any plain old good-byes, so I was planning to call everybody individually, you know, next week and I figured if I stayed any longer, somebody would probably start singing - # For she's a jolly good fellow # - Yeah.
Oh.
[All] # For she's a jolly good fellow # For she's a jolly good fellow - I can't sing either.
- # Which nobody can deny ## - Speech, Mary.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Let's hear something.
Say a few words.
- Speech! Speech! l-I don't know what to say to tell you how I feel, except to say that I'll never forget any of you.
Of course you won't.
We'll be seeing each other all the time.
Well, that's right.
We will.
- We'll be seeing each other all the time.
- We'll have lunch together.
- Lunch together.
We will.
- Every week.
Every week we will have lunch together.
[Chuckles] I don't know who I'm trying to kid.
I've been to enough of these things to know people say they'll get together, but they never do.
The minute I walk out that door into your dog-eat-dog world, that's the last time I'll probably see any of you.
Well, except for Ted on the news.
Or in a fashion magazine.
So, anyway, I just want to say thank you and good-bye.
So, uh, come on, everybody.
This is a party.
Everybody's supposed to be having a very good time.
I know I am.
Mary, come into my office.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sit down.
Mr.
Grant, I'm awfully sorry.
You gave me this beautiful party, and I put a damper on it.
You didn't put a damper on it.
You dropped a bomb on it.
But I don't care about that.
I'm gonna meet Freelander's offer.
Come on, Mr.
Grant.
The general manager already turned you down once.
Yeah, but I didn't threaten to quit yet.
You'd quit for me? No.
But the general manager doesn't know that.
So let's call Mr.
Freelander and tell him to find somebody else for that job.
You mean right now? Of course now.
Hello, uh, Mr.
Freelander? This is Mary Richards.
Um Could you hold on just a minute? - Mr.
Grant, it's so loud I can't think.
- Yeah.
Hey, hold it down out there! Mary's on an important call.
Mr.
Freelander, uh, there's been an interesting little development here.
Uh, listen, I know I haven't actually started to work for you yet, but, uh, I quit.
- I think she's going to stay.
- Well, Mr.
Grant has met your offer, so I've decided to stay right here.
[All Cheering] [Applause] Oh, that was just some friends of mine.
Yes, sir, I do realize what I'm doing.
Yes, Mr.
Freelander, I have given the matter a great deal of serious thought.
[Hiccups] Thank you.
- Hiya, Ted.
- Oh, hi, Murr.
Oh, Mar, I just want to personally tell you how pleased I am that you've decided to stay.
Oh, thank you, Ted.
- It was a lovely party, wasn't it? - The best.
We all chipped in, you know.
- Oh, did you? - Yes.
And I was thinking that since it was a going-away party for you and you actually did not go away I mean, you were there enjoying the party like everyone else.
- Ted, are you suggesting that I, uh, chip in? - Well - How much? - Five.
Five? [Mews]