The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e19 Episode Script

We Closed in Minneapolis

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all My photographer says he's having a heck of a time.
Almost sent me Cary Grant's pictures by mistake.
For some zany reason, he thinks I look like Cary Grant.
Except he's got a deeper cleft.
Yes.
You know, I keep leaving little notes to myself remember, Cary is the one with the deep cleft.
Not that mine is shallow, mind you.
It's just that his is so abnormally deep.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Long lunch hour, Mar? - Uh, no, no.
I wasn't at lunch all that time.
I had a doctor's appointment.
Murray, do you think you could take over the production charts for me for a couple of days? - I'm gonna be out.
- Sure.
Is anything wrong? No.
No, hey, no.
Everything is just fine.
I just, uh I'm going into the hospital.
- Hospital.
Are you okay? - Tell us everything, Mar.
What's wrong? Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it.
Why shouldn't she want to talk about it? Sometimes people don't want to talk about these things.
Oh.
Mary, sometimes it helps to talk about these things.
Look, Murray, it it is so inconsequential.
It isn't even anything.
I'm only gonna be gone a couple of days.
Is Mr.
Grant in his office? I have to have him sign a couple of forms.
- Yes, he's in there.
- Okay.
Uh, Mar.
Mar, I may be a little out of line, but before you do anything drastic in a hospital, I just want to say that I like your nose the way it is.
What are you going into the hospital for? Oh, Mr.
Grant, I don't want to take up any more of your time.
Mary.
If you want me to sign this hospitalization form, I have to know what I'm signing.
And you haven't filled in the part about why you're going in.
It's, uh, it's not one of those woman subjects? Uh, no.
- It's not dangerous? - No.
So what is it? Can't you give me a little hint? Mr.
Grant, it's just it's such a teensy, little thing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that where it says, "Reason for hospitalization," they'll accept "teensy, little thing.
" Okay.
- I'll tell you.
- No calls.
I'm having my tonsil out.
Your tonsil? Calls.
See, I had them out when I was a kid, but one of them grew back.
I told you it was just a teensy, little thing.
Mm-hmm.
So what are you making such a big deal out of it for? I'm not making a big deal.
I told you it was a teensy, little thing.
Calling it a teensy, little thing made a big deal out of it.
How come you're keeping it such a big secret? It's a little embarrassing to be having your tonsils out when you're 30.
Oh, yeah.
'Cause it's something only kids have done.
Right, and on top of that, it's only one tonsil.
Mm-hmm.
Well, let me put your mind at ease.
Any time you're having a tonsil out at your age, it can be pretty serious.
Well, I mean, any time you're lying on an operating table, and there's some guy with a knife standing over you See, that's another reason that I wasn't particularly anxious to talk about it.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Look, forget what I said.
It's just a kids' operation.
Still, I'm very nervous about it.
I have a thing about hospitals.
I know it's silly, but No, I know how you feel.
Can I see you for a second? I need you to check out this story.
- Come on in.
- Just came in over the wire.
- "Tonsils"! - Oh, I don't believe it! If you didn't want us to be curious, you shouldn't have made a big deal out of it.
Tonsils? Well, that's nothing.
Something kids get.
Nothing like my operation.
What did you have, a lobotomy? I don't know.
- Well, what was it, Ted? - Surgery.
Well, you don't think you're born with a face like this, do you? [Knocking] - Aaah! - Happy tonsil day! Rhoda, it's not today.
It's tomorrow.
- All right then.
Happy tonsil eve.
- [Noisemaker Honks] - How long you gonna keep this up? - Keep what up, Mary? I don't know what you're talking about.
I got an anonymous gift certificate for ice cream yesterday.
I figured it was from you.
Listen, I meant to tell you, there's a toy ambulance parked downstairs.
- Is that for you? - Are you finished? No, I got one more.
Now, little Mary Richards, you're going bye-bye to a nice, white room.
Yes, you are.
You put your little "headie"down and go to sleep and have sweet dreams.
And then[Gasps] the tonsil fairy comes.
- And he yanks out your throat! - Oh, Rhoda! Now I'm finished.
Good, 'cause it really isn't so funny.
Having your tonsils out at our age can be dangerous.
At our age, having your hair done could be dangerous.
Mary, please relax.
Stop worrying about it.
It's just a kids' thing.
No, no, Rhoda, it's a kids' thing if a kid is having it done.
If I'm having it done, it's a grown-up Mary thing.
I don't know.
Seems to me a couple of days in the hospital would be a nice rest, especially if you have a good roommate.
I'll probably have some brave little six-year-old.
Let's hope it's somebody I can get along with.
I know what you mean, Mar.
When I went in, I was hoping I'd have a roommate I could get along with, but I ended up with a woman.
You know, why don't you get a private room? No, my insurance only covers semiprivate.
It'll be nice to have a roommate, somebody to talk to.
- [Hoarse Voice] If you can talk.
- Rhoda! Mary, it's gonna be great.
Lounging around, being waited on hand and foot, lying in bed in your fantastically sexy nightgown.
What fantastically sexy nightgown? I'm glad you asked that question.
Here is your going-to-the-hospital present.
Try and guess what it is.
Right! Rhoda, if this is a pair of pajamas with feet in it, I'll kill you.
Nope.
No, uh, feet in that.
Rhoda, listen, it's really beautiful, but, y you know, to wear this in a hospital, you have to have led an entirely different life from the kind I've led.
Now, listen to me, Mary.
You're going to a hospital where there's 600 bored, restless women.
There'll be, like, 12 interns, maybe 2 residents.
That's it.
In a situation like that, you take any edge you can get.
Listen, Rhoda, it is it's beautiful, really.
But I think I'll save it for another time.
- [Car Horn Honking] - Uh, there's the cab.
Will you put the stationery in the bag for me? Sure.
[Sighs] You won't forget to pick up my mail, will you? No, I won't forget.
Let me walk you downstairs.
- Okay.
- Let me carry that for you.
Oh, she didn't argue.
You know, Mary, if your operation goes well, I'm thinking of having 11 pounds of fat removed surgically.
- Miss Richards? - l- I'm in here changing.
Your roommate is switching rooms.
She'll be with you in a minute.
Take either bed.
- Oh, Rhoda! - Something the matter? No, no, no.
It's just something a friend of mine did.
- You got a friend in there? - No.
No, no.
Everything is, uh, just fine.
Hi.
Oh, swell.
They didn't tell me I'd be rooming with a go-go dancer.
Am I in time for the supper show, or have you gone on already? You mean this nightgown thing? Well, it's not really mine.
Yeah.
Well, this isn't mine either.
I borrowed it from Princess Grace.
Listen, I was just wondering which bed you'd like.
Either one is fine with me.
You know, if there is anything I love, it is long debates concerning bed assignments when I'm standing here on crutches.
Right.
Yes.
I'll take this bed.
- Unless you'd rather have - What difference does it make? - You're right.
- Right, right.
Yes.
- I'm, uh, Mary Richards.
- Wonderful.
- C-Can I help you? - I can do it myself.
I was a little nervous when I came in and I saw the empty bed.
Boy, you can sure use company in a hospital.
Uh-huh.
I understand that you were in another room.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wh- What was it like? - Pretty much like this one, I guess.
- Mm-hmm.
So how come, uh, you changed rooms? Because of my roommate.
- Your roommate? - Yeah, she kept wanting to talk.
Hello! Want a TV? Oh, isn't that nice? Yes, thank you, I'd like one.
- Oh, good.
I get TV for nothing.
- Isn't that nice? - I didn't know they did that.
- They don't.
You didn't think you got it for free, did you? Oh, no.
No, no.
No, I knew that.
[Chuckles] Let's see, I wonder how much it could be.
Brand-new TV only costs, what, $200.
If they charge you a dollar a day - 7.
50.
- 7.
50? - Hello.
- Oh, sir.
l I'm only gonna be in here for a few days, so I won't need the TV.
Oh.
Oh, that's swell.
You are just beautiful! Here you get me all hyped up for TV, then you don't want it.
O-On the other hand, what can it cost? I'll only be in here for a couple of days.
Good.
This is your remote control.
It shows you how to work it.
Remote control.
Oh, sir, could you tilt that just a little bit this way? Move it over just a little bit.
That's fine.
Just perfect.
[Man On TV] For 300 points, who is the prime minister of Canada? - Marvelous.
Yes, that's marvelous.
- [TV: Indistinct Voices] So you're coming to visit.
Would you turn the sound down on the TV set? [Turns Off] Look, Bert, just because I broke my leg does not mean that we are gonna patch things up.
Bert, listen, I can't talk.
There's this go-go dancer here hanging on to every word I say.
Oh, yeah, okay, marvelous.
So you're coming to visit tomorrow.
Right, I'll circle it on my calendar.
Bye-bye.
Well, did you enjoy the conversation? Mrs.
Kuhne, you know, it's pretty hard not to hear a conversation when you're just a couple of feet away.
Listen, we're gonna be in here for a couple of days together.
Don't you think it'd make life a lot pleasanter if we both kind of relaxed? - [Scoffs] - Hey, how 'bout some candy? Relax.
Relax.
There is a laugh for you.
[Chuckles] I go on my first vacation in eight years, go on a skiing weekend, and the next five minutes, I break my leg.
- Were you just a beginner? - I didn't even get that far.
Fell on the ice getting out of the car.
However, I am not here for a broken leg.
I'm here for an ulcer.
- An ulcer? - Yeah.
The broken leg aggravated the ulcer my husband gave me.
You've just had one thing right on top of the other.
I don't know how you Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You have probably noticed by now that I am not exactly Miss Congeniality.
So why don't you just go back to your bed, hmm? Honestly, wouldn't you really much rather watch the tube than listen to me? - Not really.
- What are you, weird? I mean, do you really enjoy listening to people tell you what's wrong with them? Besides, it's not that serious.
Just an ulcer and a broken leg.
Unless my allergy to chocolates flares up.
- What are you in for? - Why don't we turn on the TV? I wonder if they get all the channels here.
It's after 6:00.
There is one show I just cannot miss.
Oh, I gotta see that.
Ted Baxter and the news.
You're kidding.
Well, this is the most fantastic coincidence.
Go on.
Guess what I do for a living.
[Ted On TV] And I'd like to make a correction on the correction I made yesterday.
It seems I was originally correct, so the correction I made was, uh, incorrect.
- What an idiot.
- [Ted Continues] I tell you, this show gives me the biggest laugh of my day.
So what do you do for a living? I'm a stewardess.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
I, uh, just wanted to drop in and say hello before we go into surgery.
I hope everything goes all right.
Well, that's, uh, gonna be more or less up to you, isn't it? Oh, no, I'm your anesthesiologist.
No, I just knock you out.
Well, it's certainly very nice of you to drop by like this.
Well, I try to make a habit of it.
- Oh, what's this? - That's my bill.
But you haven't done anything yet.
I know, but I'm the first person that everybody forgets about when they get out of the hospital.
People, you know, plan on going to see their doctor again, so he gets paid.
But, uh, who ever wants to see me again, right? Well, do you expect me to pay you n-now? Oh, no, you don't have to, unless you want to.
Uh, no, I think I'd just as soon wait.
Hmm.
I didn't think you'd want to.
Well, good-bye.
I guess I won't be seeing you again.
Listen, l-I'll pay my bill.
I promise.
- I hope you mean that.
- Oh, I do, I do.
Hi, Mary! Hey, you're lookin' great, kid.
- Ohh.
- How do you feel? - Fine.
- Hey, that's some terrific nightgown.
- I'll get you for this.
- Hi, Mary's roommate.
Oh, Mrs.
Kuhne, I would like you to meet my friend Rhoda Morgenstern.
Wonderful.
I am going to go freshen up, which, in my case, could take a week.
At least you didn't get a six-year-old kid for a roommate.
Poor lady.
Her whole life is such a mess.
She's got a bad leg and a bad marriage and a bad stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, how's your throat? Oh, pretty good.
It went very well.
- It's just a little sore here.
- Good.
Listen, I brought you some ice cream, but I see you already have some.
Yes, I've been having some all day.
Rhoda, I couldn't look at another spoonful.
Oh, I would have been here earlier, but as I came in the hospital, I stupidly took a wrong turn and ended up where? The doctors' lounge.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Which reminds me, I brought your bed jacket.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Mary.
Your ice cream's gonna melt.
I'm gonna go see if I can find a refrigerator.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Be right back.
Oh! - Hello.
- Hi.
I'm here to see Loretta.
- You-You must be Bert.
- Yeah.
You must be the go-go dancer.
I'm not a go-go dancer.
- Loretta said you were a dancer.
- No, I'm a s-stewardess.
Which airline? - I freelance.
- Freelance? Hi, Loretta.
Nobody could ever make me believe you're sick.
You look absolutely terrific.
You said that about Cincinnati.
I'm just trying to say how nice you look.
You don't lose an ounce of your appeal to me, even with that broken leg.
That's too bad.
Hey, Loretta, I brought you a new book.
Try to guess what it is.
- The Sensuous Woman.
- Yeah.
I read it.
Found it in a wastepaper basket in the maternity ward.
- [Phone Rings] - Hello.
- Hiya, Mary.
- What do you say, Mary? - Gee, you look terrific.
- Hey, you didn't have to come.
- We know, but we wanted to.
- We missed you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Murray Slaughter and, uh, Mr.
Grant, I'd like you to meet Bert and Loretta Kuhne.
- Wonderful.
- What do you say? I brought you some ice cream.
Hope you like vanilla.
Oh, I do.
A lot.
You better.
Hey, Mary, I found a refrigerator.
Looks like I have to make another trip.
Hi, Murray.
How are you? [Chuckles] I don't mind making another trip.
The refrigerator is in the doctors' lounge.
I'll come back and say good-bye before I leave, if I ever leave that lounge.
- Pleasant person.
- Yes.
- How are you feeling? How'd it go? - Oh, just fine.
Just a little, uh, sore.
- Great.
- Great.
And how's everything at the old salt mines? - Great.
- Great.
Uh, so when are these visiting hours over? Oh, uh, I guess the nurse will probably come and tell us.
- Oh.
- Yeah, probably.
There's only one chair, Lou.
You wanna take it? No, no, you take it.
I've been sittin' all day.
Go on.
Yeah, I'm sure it'll all work out.
Bye-bye.
Excuse me.
Bert, what are you writing all over my cast for? You're supposed to sign a cast.
You guys wanna sign it? - I don't know.
- Come on.
Write on it.
- We got a whole leg to fill up.
- Okay.
- Come on.
You too.
- You sign for me, Murray.
Bert, I would like to thank you very much for making me feel like Grauman's Chinese Theater.
I come down to cheer you up, and this is what I get? Bert, will you hold it down? Just hold it down.
Excuse me! Bert, what are you doing here? I don't even know that man.
You have an absolute stranger signing my leg.
So, uh, everything went okay, huh? Just fine.
Good evening, everybody.
Good to see you all.
[Mrs.
Kuhne] Will you cut that TVset down in there? I don't feel like listening to that idiot do the news right now! - What idiot? What did she mean? - Nothing, nothing.
- We probably should hold it down though.
- Who's behind there anyway? Listen, Bert, is it so hard to understand? I just don't feel like exercising in my cast right now.
It would do you good.
Besides, that's what's making you so tense.
I enjoy being tense, but if it's gonna worry you, why don't you leave? - Then I'll feel a lot less tense.
- Visiting hours are over.
But I won't say anything if you want to stay an extra ten minutes.
No! No, rules are rules.
If visiting hours are over, we'd better go.
- Yeah, uh, I'll see you next week, Mary.
- Okay.
You look terrific.
- Stop goofing off and get back to work.
- Thank you.
I'd like to know who it is back there called me an idiot.
- I'm gonna leave now.
- Good.
- Loretta, I won't be alone out there.
- Yeah, I know.
Say hello to your mother.
Hey, Bert! Hey, Bert, listen.
Come on back.
It's just I've been feeling so Hey, Bert! - Bert! - Hey, uh, Bert! Mrs.
Kuhne.
So you have any idea what this whole thing's gonna cost you? No, they give you the bill on the way out.
They don't just give you the bill.
They shake you by your heels till they get their money.
Too bad your tonsil took this long to give out.
Why couldn't this have happened while your body was still under warranty? Listen, Rhoda, why don't you go on downstairs.
I'll meet you in a minute.
- I want to wait for Mrs.
Kuhne.
- Where is Mary Poppins today? She's having her cast replastered.
Her cast replastered? Well, her husband Bert wrote his name all over it.
Since they've split for good, she's covering it up.
Hmm, covering it up, huh? Sure.
That's how you know when a relationship is over when you get your cast replastered.
- This has been the strangest few days.
- How do you mean strange? Well, I mean, I've practically lived with her.
I listened to her fights, I overheard her phone conversations.
And we hardly know each other.
We're perfect strangers still.
Mary, if you're thinking you should get to know her better, forget it.
The Statue of Liberty would turn that woman away.
It's just a funny feeling when you know you're not gonna see anybody again.
- Do you know that feeling? - Sure.
I get it a lot on first dates.
Mrs.
Kuhne.
Good-bye.
Mrs.
Kuhne, I'm back, because even though we didn't really get to know each other, - still in all - Look, I know what you're trying to say.
And I'll take two boxes of your cookies.
Okay, Mrs.
Kuhne.
I give up.
You win.
Terrific.
Wonderful.
I wanted to be friends, and you didn't want to, so you you won.
The only thing I don't understand, Mrs.
Kuhne, is, uh, wh-what did you win? Nothing.
Look, I've, uh I've kind of been out of it.
You know, between the Bert thing and the leg and my ulcer, it all, uh, kind of got to me, and I got kind of well, you know.
Mary, you may not know this, and it may hit you ten minutes from now, but I'm apologizing.
No, hey, it hit me right away.
Listen, good-bye and good luck.
- All the best.
- Right.
Oh, say, Mary, listen, uh Before you leave, could you do me a favor? Could you tell me where you got that nightgown, you know, the go-go thing? - You're kidding.
You really wanna know? - Yeah.
Well, it was a present, but I'll find out and I'll call you.
Ah, that's great, because, uh, see, I decided to go back to my husband.
I thought it might be great for a second honeymoon.
Oh, that's great.
You're going back to Bert.
No, I'm going back to my husband.
Did you think Bert was my husband? Oh, no, no.
No.
l - No, I didn't think Did I say "Bert"? - You said "Bert.
" Oh, well, no, I, uh Certainly, I knew.
Listen, I have to be going.
My friend is waiting for me.
[Mews]