The Mayor (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

1 [GASPS, LAUGHS.]
Found my favorite.
Black Jesus on skis.
Why not? You go, brother.
I'm partial to the more traditional ornaments.
Black Jesus reading the Bible.
- Baby Black Jesus on a walnut! - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Ho ho No! We missed all the decorating.
Don't worry.
We haven't put the star up yet.
Which means we also haven't heard Jermaine's joke where he says that he's the star.
I can't do it now.
So, who's gonna put me on top of the tree? Where is the star? I just had it.
T.
K.
: Well, you know, it seems to me that whoever finds the star should be the one to hang it up on the tree, right? Where's the star, T.
K.
? Why does Courtney get the honor every year? Most families rotate so that none of the children feel neglected.
You're not my child.
You're not a child.
Let's get this star on.
- Okay, I'm gonna give you a boost.
- Here we go.
- We ready? - All right, Ma.
Careful, now.
Don't go too fast.
Going too fast! Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Okay, that was not a reflection of my boost.
My boost was solid.
All right.
Can we wrap this up? I got a little Hanukkah thing I got to get to.
It's gettin' funky, it's gettin' funky It's gettin' funky, it's gettin' funky "But I heard him exclaim 'ere he drove out of sight, 'Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
'" [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you again, Mayor Rose.
Would you care to stay for some dinner? We're having pizza.
I'm sorry.
Pizza that that's all? When my mom used to bring me here, I would help serve turkey, green beans you know, the works.
There was even a tree a real tree and kids got presents.
Oh, we got presents.
Some local dentists donated over 200 toothbrushes.
- Useful gifts are so underrated.
- I'm sorry.
Are you telling me that these families are celebrating Christmas under a plastic tree with pizza and toothbrushes? It's been a very hard year.
We lost our federal funding, and we have more families to support than ever.
You see them? The Baxters.
Husband got laid off, fell behind on their rent, and got evicted.
That's the type of family we didn't have last year.
Wow.
I didn't realize things had gotten that much worse in a year.
Mm-hmm.
Hey! Everybody! - Courtney.
- Hey! Mayor Rose you are not about to overpromise right now, are you? Oh, you don't even know.
Ah, people, I was raised to believe that every family deserves to have a great Christmas.
A dinner, presents, a real tree.
- That tree sucks! - Yes, it does! So, friends, as Mayor of Fort Grey, I hereby pledge to give every family in here a Christmas you'll never forget.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
No time for questions.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
- I'm here all day! Big news I promised the shelter residents a real Christmas.
Also, Val's mad at me.
Classic Courtney overpromise.
I love it! I'm not mad, Courtney.
I-I think it was a great thing to say.
Wait.
F-For real? Be careful.
This could be one of her word traps.
VAL: For real.
I Wasn't it Gandhi who said a society can be judged on how it treats its most vulnerable citizens? Ah, yes, yes, and somebody else said that that's basically what I said.
I love what you're trying to do, but the shelter feeds over 300 families and the city can't afford that.
- Hey, look, Val.
- [SIGHS.]
I know it seems impossible, but isn't it my job as mayor to at least try? T.
K.
: Hey! Also, I'm gonna need your ideas to help do that.
Yep.
Chop-chop.
It's 4:00 p.
m.
on Christmas Eve, so good luck.
- Yeah.
- Well, w-we've already drained the entire 2017 budget.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
This idea is a little naughty.
- I doubt that.
- You think it's naughty? We could get an advance on the 2018 budget, just to get Christmas going.
Sounded a little naughtier in my head.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But we would need official sign-off from two people.
First, you.
Oh, you already know I am easily persuaded.
Who else? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Who is it? Oh, it's you guys.
Go away.
Wow.
Drinking in your office on Christmas Eve? That's lonely, even for you.
Well, if you must know, I promised my family a ski trip to Mammoth, but I can't afford it.
So they're home all packed, and [WHISPERING.]
I haven't told 'em yet.
So, is your plan just to hide out in here forever? No, I need an excuse, so I'm gonna drink until I think of one.
Well, you know, we would love to stick around and brainstorm, but we need your signature to release the 2018 budget to help the homeless.
You know what? That's a great idea.
I can say I got stabbed by a homeless person, and now [CHUCKLING.]
I can't go skiing.
Thank you.
Get a hold of yourself, man.
Ed, just sign the paper, and we'll leave you alone.
Oh, if I could just get my wife to say those words.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Look, the city's already borrowed against the budget.
You know this.
Fort Grey does not have a slush fund.
If they did, I'd be skiing right now.
Come on, man.
It is the holidays, okay? There must be something we can do.
I just gave a huge speech.
It was real charismatic.
Here's an idea maybe you should have thought of this three months ago.
But you didn't.
And that's not surprising, because you really haven't done much as the mayor.
No, no, no, no.
That's not true.
We, uh We We solved a bus strike.
- We got music in schools.
- Met a lady.
That's all very cute, but what about jobs? What about housing? What about all those potholes? Something that makes an actual difference.
Gunt, c'mon, man.
This is for families.
It's Christmas.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"It's Christmas.
" [NORMAL VOICE.]
I know.
Where did I put all my fuzzy feelings? Forget it, man.
You're not leaving, are you? Door's always closed, guys.
Gunt.
Gunt.
- He's a jerk I know.
- No! He's right! Did you hear what that volunteer said? This year was worse than ever.
The people of Fort Grey need jobs, and I'm the mayor who put plastic covers over benches.
I shoulda just stayed in my lane and been a famous rapper, then Fort Grey would've been better off.
Is anyone gonna touch that? Courtney, change is slow.
Fort Grey has no money, just a lot of red tape and a bitter City Council President.
You're being too hard on yourself.
Or am I finally being hard enough? - What? - I'll see you guys later.
Why does he ask a question if he's not gonna stay around for the answer? I mean, I don't always have one, but I like to hear myself talk you know, find it, go on that journey to discovery.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's see what's on the World Wide Webby, the old Dub-dub-dub.
This is a garbage planet.
- Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong - Sleigh I relax when everyone panics Kids don't know that Santa is Mama But around the tree we sing Ohh! Oh! Of course! A pothole.
Come on.
Ohh, really? [SIGHS.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
Oh! Oh! Aah! [MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS.]
[RUMBLING CONTINUES.]
Mm.
[MUSIC ENDS.]
[GROANS.]
[VEHICLES PASSING.]
Where are my covered bus benches? [WIND WHISTLING.]
[BELLS JINGLING.]
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh, uh, perfect timing.
I got stuck in the rain.
You are an angel.
- That's right.
I am.
- Whoa! You really went all out with the Christmas decorations this year, huh? I didn't know the post office made white uniforms.
It's a bold choice, Ma.
Like I told you, I'm not your ma.
I'm an angel.
Angel 467 with the Department of Salvation.
I specialize in epiphanies.
In fact, one more, and I get to choose where we have our retreat next year.
Okay, that is that's a really good prank, very specific.
This ain't a prank.
I'm here to show you what Fort Grey would look like if you were never elected mayor.
Oh, so you don't believe me? Oh, well, let me show you what your city look like.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Whoa! Seriously? I mean, all of that is because I wasn't elected mayor? Well, it's not that bad.
But it is bad.
Hold on tight.
I got a lot to show you.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
It's gettin' funky, it's gettin' funky [INSTRUMENTAL VERSION "DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS.]
CROWD CHANTING: Take a hike! We're on strike! Take a hike But I thought the bus strike ended months ago.
Not in this world, it didn't.
- Oh, so you're not gonna change? - Mm.
In this world, does everyone dress like a waiter from "Star Trek"? No one can see me.
They can only see you.
Watch.
- ALL: Take a hike, - Aah! - [LAUGHS.]
- we're on strike! Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Isn't it fun? Now, stop wasting time.
We got a packed schedule.
Sir, I am I am so sorry.
Hey, I thought angels were supposed to be nice.
Yes, but that dude is horrible.
I can't even tell you about it.
Take a hike! - [CHOIR VOCALIZING.]
- Hey! [GROANS.]
Oh.
What's What's up with Pam? She doesn't know you.
Remember, in this world, you lost the election.
Wait.
If I lost the election, then who's mayor? Mm.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
No.
Anyone but If you repeat it over and over, they'll believe you.
- Gunt.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Okay.
- What did he do to my office? Oh, he, uh, he decorated it.
I like to call this style "modern bordello.
" Just squash the measure.
No, there won't be a public outcry because we're gonna vote in a closed session.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, bye-bye.
Hey.
You're a bit early for my massage.
What is Julio sick? I'm not I'm not a masseuse.
I'm Courtney Rose.
I ran against you.
Are you the publicity-stunt kid? Oh, wow.
That's hilarious.
Look at you.
What do you need a job? You know what? I'm a good guy.
I'm not the devil.
I'll help an old rival fallen on hard times.
We need a bathroom attendant.
Ah.
How did you hurt your foot? Ah, skiing in stupid Mammoth.
Horrible trip.
[BLOWS.]
Free advice never have a family.
Wait, I thought you couldn't afford to go to Mammoth.
Well, if you're the mayor, you can afford a lot of things.
You just got to work the system a bit.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
You made a slush fund? - Mm.
- COURTNEY: Oh, man.
- You are the worst.
- Mm.
Well, I had some help.
We have officially gerrymandered the entire city.
You're guaranteed a second term.
Do you know what that means? That means we finally get to dump all that toxic waste - [SINGSONG VOICE.]
in the river.
- Every.
Last.
Drop.
Oh, I love it when you talk gerrymandering.
- Not as much as I love doing it.
- Val! Courtney Rose? Oh, right.
You're still here.
You remember Val, my chief of staff.
Aren't you supposed to be, uh, - rapping in Fresno or something? - [LAUGHS.]
Fresno? Hell, no.
- You are.
- Or h-hell, yes.
Yes, I am.
I just came back to see how my city was doing and see how you guys are doing after the big victory.
- We're doing great.
- Yeah.
Thanks for stopping by, Colleen.
Courtney.
[CHUCKLING.]
Courtney, Colleen, - Leslie, Trixie who cares? - [CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
And you're not doing great.
The atrium is filled with protesters.
Can we just arrest them already? Please do.
They give me the heebie-jeebies.
- You got it, Eddy.
- Oh.
- "Eddy"? - We are "v" close, Leslie.
That little lady's gonna make me a senator.
Val, Val, wait, please! Hey, how could you work for a guy like Gunt? That little man is gonna make me a senator one day.
Good for you, but what is the city doing for Christmas? Come on.
You remember the Gandhi thing you can judge a society by how it treats its most vulnerable? Oh, please.
Gandhi was weeks into his hunger strike by then he was totally delirious.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- Gandhi.
That guy was all marketing.
- Oh, my God.
- [HUMMING.]
She is a totally different person.
[SCATTING.]
Val was always ambitious, but with you as mayor, she broke good.
Yeah, with Gunt as mayor, she broke bad.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Awesome.
Okay, apartment looks amazing.
Mom looks great.
- "Great"? - Yeah.
She is a timeless beauty! She's strong, sophisticated.
Aww, there you are, baby.
- Uh, oh.
You know what? - Who is I was supposed to show you life if you had never become mayor.
This is life if you had never been born.
- Who's that? - Close your eyes.
Mm.
I'm so glad we never had kids.
Rawr! Oh! Get it, Miss Dina.
He cute, girl.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[MOANING.]
- What's that noise? - Oh, that's T.
K.
- He sold his car.
- No way.
- He loves that car.
- [MOANING.]
Well, without their jobs at City Hall, Jermaine thought it'd be a great idea to buy 25 pay phones, and then T.
K.
sold his car so he could buy a stake in the "company.
" - W - It's been three months.
They've made $1.
25.
Did you check the phones today? Just a Canadian quarter.
Why did you bring me into this mess?! I thought that there would be a bigger market for people who wanted to get off the grid.
You said "mountains of quarters.
" - I thought quarters were just gonna fly in! - I see no quarters! - I don't see no quarters coming in - T.
K.
and Jermaine, are you two arguing again? Cut it out.
It's Christmas.
I'm gonna go heat up some dinner and [GASPS.]
Courtney! I didn't think you were gonna be home for Christmas! COURTNEY: Oh, of course.
Like I wouldn't come home for Christmas.
Remember, you're not home you're on tour.
Running for mayor got you a lot of attention, and now you're capitalizing on it.
What if I told you that you can make $10,000 a month just from sitting at home? [SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
My hat.
Yeah, sorry.
I forgot my hat.
I should I s I should probably get going.
Yeah, you know, I guess there's nothing left for you here.
like friendship.
So now even my own boys don't like me? Well, you ditched them to chase your music career.
Would you like you? All right, come on.
Let's get me outta here.
You better watch your tone talking to me.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[CHOIR VOCALIZING.]
So - my boys are broke, and they hate me.
- Mm-hmm.
Yep.
- And it's all because I'm not mayor? - [HAT THUMPS LIGHTLY.]
- What is it my fault? - Yes.
- [GLISSANDO PLAYS.]
- Oh.
Well, that's not an epiphany-level thing, so we gonna have to try again.
But we've seen everyone.
It's not just how your people are doing it's how your city is doing.
Oh, no.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I thought the bus strike was in its third month.
Oh, it is.
This is referring to the garbage strike.
Oh, look where we are.
[CHUCKLING.]
Fort Grey Elementary? What are the teachers on strike, too? Mm.
What do you hear? Nothing.
Right.
Because there's no music program for the kids.
But, yeah, the school's closed.
It's Christmas.
- Of course there wouldn't be any noise.
- Don't get smart with me! - I'm just - It'd be sad, even if it was open.
- You know, I can't stand you.
- I Make me sick, like I got nothing better to do than drive you around Fort Grey all day.
Do you even have your wings? Don't you worry about me! - Well, at least the roads are smooth.
- Mm-hmm.
We haven't hit a single pothole.
Gunt did do that.
He couldn't wait to fill those potholes.
Oh, this is what we came to see.
Wait.
That's the shelter.
Oh, that was the shelter.
Gunt cut a lot of the social services.
You know, those, uh, ski-lift tickets - aren't gonna pay for themselves.
- The Baxters.
Wait.
If the shelter's closed in this world, that means they have no place to go.
That's right they don't.
But why would Gunt close the shelter and pave the roads? I don't get it.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
- Oh.
I get it.
- Mm.
I cannot believe things are so much worse because I'm not mayor.
I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything.
Well, little stuff, maybe.
Those things you call little add up.
A-A bus bench.
A music program.
They all have a practical purpose, but they also mean something more.
They are all symbols of a mayor who wants good things for his city.
I do want good things for the city.
Well, having a mayor that cares makes a difference.
You inspire people.
So they then feel better and do better.
It's a ripple effect.
So what Fort Grey is missing is is me? - [GLISSANDO PLAYS.]
- Well? Yes? [LAUGHS.]
It's an epiphany! We're going to the Atlantis! You can sit on a dolphin while you gamble.
So I need you to gather your things - and shuffle on to the left.
- What do you What do you mean? - Yeah, it's been nice spending time with you.
- Wait.
What do you What do you mean? What do you mean?! Wait, wait, wait.
I'mma take a scuba resort course.
- Bye! - Wait.
Can I go back? Why aren't you answering me?! I want to be mayor again! Why do you angel types got to be so cryptic?! [CLANKING.]
My bus benches are covered.
My bus benches are covered! [LAUGHS.]
My bus benches are covered!! My bus benches are covered! Whoo-hoo! Hello, Fort Grey! Hello! Hello, little boy! Look.
Mayor Rose has gone crazy! Yes, "Mayor Rose" I love hearing those words.
Thank you, little boy.
It's not a compliment! "Mayor Rose!" Hello, Fort Grey! [LAUGHS.]
- On this strip alone - Christmas! [LAUGHS.]
potholes have caused multiple car accidents just this year.
Oh, hi! Hello.
Hi.
I'm so sorry.
I know you're just doing your job, but oh, although, it is Christmas Eve.
I believe you deserve the night off.
May I? I called Dina, the police stations, all of the kennels, and no one has seen Courtney.
Maybe we should go look for him.
Uh, I found him.
- Ding-dong, ding-dong - [SCOFFS.]
COURTNEY: Thank you.
Hello, Fort Grey! This is Mayor Rose, and I am here to tell you that you matter and what you do matters.
I was feeling really sad today because I felt like I couldn't make a real difference, but I was wrong.
Every action makes a difference, no matter how small.
People will tell you that what you do doesn't reeeeeally matter, but that is not true.
As long as you do something.
What a freak.
So, while I can't do everything that I really want to do for this city, I'm gonna feel good about the things that I can do.
So I'm heading down to the family shelter, and I'm gonna keep my promise and make their Christmas the happiest it can be! [LAUGHS.]
Thank you! - Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong - Merry Christmas! Yeah! - Oh! - That was, uh Wait.
Also, I'm gonna fix these potholes.
That is the first thing up in 2018, okay? Back to Gabby Montoya.
[LAUGHS.]
And merry Christmas! That was Mayor Rose with a surprise Christmas message.
[CHATTER.]
Hey, hey, hey! - Merry Christmas! - Hey! Mayor Rose! Hey, Mr.
Baxter, merry Christmas! I'm just here to read a few books.
I'll I'll pass out some pizzas - whatever you need.
- There you are.
Oh, my gosh.
Guys, guys! - [LAUGHING.]
Hey! - No, no, Courtney, please.
[GRUNTS.]
My bits and pieces! I'm so sorry I disappeared.
I just wanted to make sure that these people have the Christmas they deserve.
That's why we're here.
We raided the office supplies.
Yeah.
Paper plus scissors plus tape equals snowflakes.
Hey, man.
And we may have had a couple presents laying around.
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
- Come on, guys.
That was a very good speech you made, Courtney, but if you ever disappear like that again, then I'm gonna do a lot more with these scissors.
Yes, that's the Val I know.
You broke good, huh? Sure.
Okay, so, how about we take that tree and move it to the center of the room, okay? It's ugly, but it could be worse.
Of course, it could be better.
- Ma? - [LAUGHS.]
Wait.
Did you bring this tree all the way from home? Of course.
What's the good of having a mail truck if you can't stick it in your truck after your son makes a beautiful speech on TV? Oh, mm, thanks, Ma.
Thanks for coming to help out.
I'm not the only one, baby.
Wait.
Whoa.
Hey, wait.
Is this all because of my speech? These people want to do good.
You just inspired them to do it.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Merry Christmas! Six pairs of Golden State Warriors socks.
- Gift card for an oil change.
- Aww.
Beignet mix from New Orleans.
Here you go, little mama.
Be careful.
It's heavy.
Poetry magnets.
Oh! You got me some great gifts.
You got me some great gifts.
Tropical body spray which one of you? Huh? Huh? [CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE.]
Well, well, well, Mayor Rose.
Congratulations on another little Goonies adventure.
Wait.
How did you hurt your foot? Did you go skiing in Mammoth? No, dummy.
I told you I couldn't afford it.
I fell down the stairs.
And thank goodness I did, because it was the perfect excuse to skip the ski trip.
- Mm.
- Now, where do I put the potatoes? Wow.
There must be a Santa Claus somewhere.
Come here, Gunt.
Keep your pants on.
All right.
[LAUGHS.]
This is a great party.
It's a wonderful thing you did, babe.
- That we all did.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- And thanks, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
You are my mom, right? You're not an angel? - [SCOFFS.]
Can't I be both? - Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
I just wanted to make sure it was you.
Miss Dina, would you please join us at the piano? - All right.
- Let's get these Christmas carols poppin'.
[PIANO PLAYS "JOY TO THE WORLD".]
Joy to the world, the Lord is come - Sing, Dina.
- Let Earth receive her King Let every heart prepare Him room And Heaven and nature sing And Heaven and nature sing And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing Sing Sing, ye-e-e-e-e-ah Sweet Baby Jesus.
And Heaven, and Heaven And nature sing - I'm proud of you, baby.
- Thank you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SNORES, SNORTS.]
[SNIFFLING.]
[GROANS.]
Hey, uh, you looking for Courtney? I don't know where he is.
He's probably breakdancing for some orphans or something.
I'm not Dina.
I'm Angel Dina, and I'm here to whip your sorry soul into shape.
This happens a lot every Christmas.
I get drunk at the office, I fall asleep, and then I get visited by some sassy ghost who takes me to my childhood or shows me my grave.
One even tried to teach me empathy by turning me into a woman.
That was hot.
Well, uh, I-I have to take you on some kind of journey.
It's the rules.
Why don't you just turn me into a woman again? But nice feet, though.
Okay, I think this one's for downstairs.
You good with that? Actually, I have a catalog I can show you what she looks Okay.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Hello?